"A New Revelation"
Syaoran looked around the small café for auburn hair and jet black hair. He was running a little late because of the guys back at the hospital. They had been trying to bombard him with questions about why he was leaving the hospital.
He has never left the hospital during lunch break, unless he had a lunch meeting with the board, so it rose questions in the hospital. He had just had a lunch meeting the day before, so almost everyone knew that, that was not where he was going.
Thus, of course, leading them all to believe that he had a lunch date with his "secret girlfriend."
How wrong they were, he thought when he remembered that Meilin would be there as well.
Just at that moment, he spotted auburn hair and emerald eyes that were locked on him. A smile slowly crept to his lips as his heart sped up in his chest. But, when her eyes shifted from his to something else, his eyes followed hers and his smile faltered, seeing who it is. Or, who they are.
His fists clenched, feeling all those pleasant emotions he had just felt, wash away as he saw four other women he was not aware would be there.
In an instant, he turned on his heels, storming out of the café.
He was not surprised that Meilin would pull some strings like this, because it was like her to. Or, so he assumed it was Meilin.
The moment he reached his car, he heard the bells of the café jingling and a familiar voice calling his name, snapping him out of his anger fit. He turned in her direction, clenching his jaw.
"It's not what it seems," Sakura said, rushing to his side.
His eyes scanned the area, glad to see that there were not many people out in the area right now. "This is exactly why I didn't want to do this. She pulls shit like this all the time. She kisses up to everyone's ass in my family and—"
"Meilin didn't invite them!" Sakura interrupted, shocking Syaoran to the core.
"W-what?" he stuttered, moving back from her slightly.
"She didn't invite them…I did," Sakura said quietly, keeping her distance from him.
He was not sure if he was relieved or hurt about that. One part of him felt hurt and betrayed, not wanting her near him. But, the other part wanted her to touch him; comfort him and explain herself to him.
"Why would you do this to me? I told you I didn't want to see them—that I wasn't ready to do that yet!" he bellowed, clenching his fist.
"Because, you are now," she said calmly, cautiously moving over to him.
He moved back, realizing he did not want her to touch him after all. "No—"
"Yes. You said, 'was,' past tense, which means you are now," she said confidently. "You're just saying you're not because you think you're not."
He stopped, thinking about what he had said. He did say 'was,' he realized.
"But, that doesn't mean I am right now—!"
"You are! It's been years, Syaoran. You've had years to prepare yourself for this. Years since you've seen them and just sat down to talk to them. You're ready and I'm going to need you to trust me when I say that," she said, moving closer to him again.
He did not make a move to stop her this time. "How could I trust you when you just pulled some shit like this? I feel so betrayed right now, and—"
Small, lithe arms wrapped around him tightly, shutting him up immediately. "I know that this was wrong, Syaoran. It was wrong to go behind your back and plan a date with your sisters and us, but I had to. I have to do things like this with you to help you get better. And, I know that it'll be hard for you to, but try to understand, okay? Try to trust me when I say these things to you. I'm looking out for your best interest. I'm putting my all into helping you, because you're a top priority in my life right now. I want the best for you, and if making you feel betrayed will get you better, I would do it over and over again. Just don't let this ruin what we've already fixed."
Sakura held him tighter as she said all this into his shirt. Hearing her say all this, while she held him so tightly, he could feel the sincerity in her emotion. He could feel how much she had the passion to help him.
The hurt and betrayal began to slowly disappear, and he wrapped his arms around her body, pulling her closer to him. He did not say anything, letting her know through his embrace that he believed her.
Her head rest directly over his heart, so he was sure that she could feel and hear the rapid beating of his heart. He could feel her soft warm lips press against his chest, kissing over his heart before she pulled back.
He looked down at her and saw a small smile on her face. "Are you ready?" she asked.
He was quiet for a moment, but then grabbed her hand, squeezing it a little tightly. "If you're here with me, then yes," he finally said.
Sakura squeezed his hand in return, and then tugged on it. "Please, behave yourself."
"I'll try."
They walked back to the café and headed for the corner where Meilin and his sisters are.
Sakura motioned with her hands for them to slide over for her and Syaoran to sit in the booth with him. She was sure to let Syaoran sit at the end, which he felt grateful for. Just in case he needed to make an escape.
No one said anything at the table, making Syaoran want to get up and leave to ease them all.
He jumped when he felt Sakura's hand drop to his thigh to grab his hand under the table. "So, I heard about the ball at the hospital," Sakura said conversationally.
Syaoran released the breath he did not even know he was holding, due to the tension at the table.
"That's why we're down. Syaoran's team must be skilled for the well-known Clow Reed to trust his daughter's life in their hands," Feimei said, making Syaoran look in her direction.
She caught his eye and smiled at him, making him look away shyly.
"They are. They patched up my ankle," Sakura said in a teasing tone.
Syaoran could feel a small smile form on his lips. "It didn't need patching up. It just needed it's owner to be more careful," he said, not looking at anyone at the table.
He heard his sister's laughter, along with Sakura's.
"Kinomoto-san has two left feet?" Fanren asked.
Meilin laughed, making Syaoran freeze in the booth. "There are even photos online with people catching her on the ground," Meilin said.
Sakura gasped, causing Syaoran to look in her direction. "Are you serious?" Sakura asked, bewildered.
Everyone, except Syaoran, laughed at the disbelief in her tone.
"I'm so embarrassed," she said, covering her face with her free hand. "Hoe…"
Syaoran intertwined their fingers together. "For the record, I think it's adorable," he murmured to her, so they could not hear.
"Kawaii!" His sisters chimed at the table, making him shrink down a little, feeling embarrassed that they had heard him.
His eyes drifted to Sakura's face, seeing the red crimson hue that enhanced the innocence of her nature.
"You guys are so cute together!" Shiefa exclaimed.
When Syaoran did not hear Sakura say anything, he wondered if it made her uncomfortable.
"How's father?" he asked, deciding to change the conversation to safe territory.
The laughter and fangirling stopped immediately.
"You should come home and see for yourself, baby brother," Fuutie said in a reasoning tone.
"I am home," he retorted, holding Sakura's hand tighter.
"To Hong Kong, where you grew up," Fanren said sadly.
Hearing the sadness in her tone made him feel guilty.
"We miss you, Syaoran," Meilin said. "Everyone just wants to see you again. My mother and father still talk about you, my brothers and sisters still ask about you…and—"
Syaoran scoffed, feeling annoyed that she is the one who had so much to say. "You should be glad I haven't come back," he said in a snarky tone.
"Syaoran, don't—"
"Are you still holding a grudge against me for something I never had control over?" Meilin said, clenching her fist on the table.
"Grudge? W-what's going on?" Fuutie asked.
"Wow, I'm surprised that she hasn't said anything about that," Syaoran said sarcastically.
Sakura squeezed his hand, getting his attention. "You promised to behave," she whispered to him.
"I am. I just find it oddly weird how much she misses me," he said, directing the statement at Meilin.
"What are you talking about, Syaoran? We all miss you. Uncle Zou, Aunt Ying, Cousin Bo—hell, even father and mother does," Fanren said.
Syaoran pulled his hand away from Sakura, making her look at him worriedly. "Then, why the hell haven't they come here? Why hasn't she come here if she fucking misses me so much?" he asked angrily, keeping his voice down, though.
"She?"
"Syaoran, you should calm down and rationalize where you're at, and who you're with," Sakura said tightly.
He humorlessly laughed, shaking his head. "Not like they would ever understand because she actually cared about them. She didn't spit in their face and trample all over their lives. She didn't—"
"That's enough!" Sakura hissed, silencing him instantly.
"I'm confused. What's going on?" Fanren said.
Sakura sighed, shaking her head. "Please, don't worry about it. Syaoran's just going through a lot and—"
"And, it all has something to do with auntie," Meilin said boldly.
"Meilin-san, please—"
Syaoran glared at her. "Oh, you would know since you had so much shit to say in the past; so much attention that you needed. Just shut the fuck up and—"
"Syaoran Li! You were raised better than that, and to not talk to a woman like she's not a person," Fuutie said, glaring at him. "Apologize to Meilin this instant."
Syaoran stood up from the table, making Sakura follow suit behind him.
"Wait—"
"It was nice seeing you guys. I do miss you guys, but this," he pointed to Meilin, "is the exact reason why I don't tolerate the bullshit from this family. I will see you guys at the ball, and hopefully not anymore after that."
And he stormed out of the café, but not before hearing Sakura apologize to them quickly and rushing after him quickly.
Not wanting to hear her chastisement or anything else, he rushed to his car.
"Li Syaoran, you wait!" she exclaimed, catching up to him.
He stopped at the demand. "I know I shouldn't—" When he turned around and saw a smile on her face, he stopped.
"It's okay," she said, panting softly from rushing after him.
"What?" he asked, shocked by her statement.
"You were able to sit in the same room and have a conversation with them in a well-mannered tone. You got angry, yes, and you said something that should not have been said, but you didn't yell. You didn't strike, and you were able to sit in the same place with them for 20 minutes," Sakura praised him. "And, you take very large steps."
Even though he did not want to, a small smile formed on his lips at her witty comment at the end. "Let's…do this again," he said hesitantly.
He missed his sisters and actually wanted to spend time with them, he realized.
"What?" Sakura questioned.
"Without Meilin with us," he said quietly.
Sakura frowned, making him annoyed slightly. "What is that all about?" she asked.
He shook his head. "I have to get back to the hospital," he said, turning away from her.
"We have to talk about this, Syaoran," Sakura pressed.
He opened the door to his car, keeping his eyes from her direction. "Another time," he said. "I'll see you later."
He got in the car, closing the door behind him.
His heart hammered in his chest, feeling the pain hit him all at once as he thought about everything that just occurred. He had not felt this much pain since he started seeing Sakura, but it was not foreign to him.
The only difference this time is the fact that he did not want to have sex to get rid of it.
He wanted Sakura.
'I want to see you tonight,' Syaoran sent the text, after he contemplated for hours if he should send her the text. He was quick to send another message saying, 'if that's alright with you.'
After scrubbing in on a surgery, Syaoran had been sitting in his office, wanting to text Sakura, but at the same time, not wanting to bother her.
He should have been doing this paperwork, but Sakura was the only thing he could concentrate on, though she was not there with him.
What the hell is wrong with me?
A knock on his door put a stop to these thoughts, instantly turning his professional mode on. "Come in," he said in a clear and concise tone.
The door slowly opened, revealing…Eriol?
Syaoran's professional mode switched off as he glanced at the man. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, folding his arms over his chest, leaning back in the chair.
His glare faltered, not seeing the usual playful smirk on his face. Eriol's face looked a little sad, he would even say.
Syaoran sat up in the chair with scrunched brows. "What's going on?" he asked. "You can close the door."
Eriol closed the door quietly and walked over to grab one of the chairs in the room to bring to Syaoran's desk. He sat down in it, and then looked at Syaoran. "I need medical advice," Eriol said, seeming to cut straight to the point.
Syaoran raised a brow. "About?"
"Do you know about Sakura's mom?" he suddenly asked.
Syaoran looked around the room cautiously, making sure Eriol was not playing any tricks. "What about…her?" he asked slowly.
"She didn't survive giving birth to Sakura. Tomoyo's mother is Sakura's mother's cousin, and she almost didn't make it out alive giving birth to Tomoyo. So, it's a genetic thing, right? Something that runs in their family, right?" Eriol asked.
Syaoran slowly nodded, taking precaution. "Possibly, but that's not always the case," he said.
Eriol took a deep breath and then released it. "But, it still is, even if it's just a possible thing. I have one more question," he said.
Syaoran nodded, motioning him to ask.
"What is the percentage of this happening to Tomoyo?"
Syaoran's eyes widened, surprised that Eriol would come to him and talk about this.
"We're planning to try sometime in the beginning of the year, so…I just want to be sure that…I won't lose her in the process."
Syaoran remained quiet for a moment, making him wonder how he should respond.
"Answer me, man. I'm starting to freak out," Eriol said calmly.
"Th-there's…a slight chance, but it's not a guarantee. Maternal deaths are due to a lot of different complications, though. Extra precaution and extra care could just be provided for her. And, typically, the doctors would be able to tell after a few weeks if her chances of living after birth will happen with this type of condition," Syaoran explained.
Eriol let out a relieved sigh and stood up. "Okay, thanks," he said, walking towards the door.
Before he left, he turned around to say, "And, don't mention this to Sakura," and closed the door behind him.
As soon as it closed, Sakura came to mind, making him wonder if she knew there was a chance it could happen to her.
Just as he thought of this, his phone went off, letting him know he had a text.
'Your place :),' it read, making his heart flutter in his chest.
He texted her the time to be at his place. He turned to his desk, suddenly having the motivation to get some work done.
The moment he pulled up to his apartment, his stomach fluttered in excitement, seeing Sakura sit outside her car, waiting for him. Sakura turned to him with a smile on her face.
He smiled, leaning down to kiss her lips gently as he wrapped his arms around her small frame. When she let out a soft, satisfying sound, he pressed his body against hers, pushing her body against her car.
It had not even been two full days since they saw each other at that café, yet he still missed her like he always does. There was definitely something wrong with him, but he felt alright with that.
Sakura made a slight grunting sound, making him pull back from her lips.
He even got off work early to see her.
"I can't get a proper, appropriate greeting anymore?" she asked, smiling at him.
"I'd say my tongue down your throat is proper," he said teasingly.
He leaned down and kissed her nose before motioning her to follow him up to his apartment. She followed closely behind him, wrapping her arms around his, making him smile as they walked up the stairs.
He unlocked the door, letting her inside first.
As soon as the door closed, his lips were on hers again, kissing her passionately. "I missed you," he whispered against her lips.
She smiled against his lips and then pulled back, but wrapping her arms around his waist, hugging him.
Surprised by her sudden show of affection, he looked around to see if someone is playing tricks on him again today.
"I would suggest us going out for dinner tonight, but I feel like something's wrong," Syaoran said light-heartedly, so he would not upset her.
"I missed you, is all," she said, still resting her head on his chest, no doubts listening to his heart beat.
He dragged his hands up her arms until he reached her shoulders. He pulled her back slightly, so he could look at her face. He could not read the expression on her face.
"We do need to talk…" Sakura said softly.
Syaoran's breath caught in his throat, feeling like this is déjà vu.
They just "had to talk" the other day when she tried to end them.
"It's nothing you should be afraid of," she reassured.
He sighed, moving his hand up to caress her face. "Good. What is it?" he asked.
She pulled back from him, looking around the apartment.
Syaoran's eyes followed hers, trying to find what she is looking at. The entire place was spotless clean, so she would not find what she is looking for.
"Hungry?" he asked after she remained quiet for a few minutes, rising the tension in the room. "I have wine."
Sakura smiled, nodding her head. "That's what I could use right now," she said.
Syaoran chuckled and nodded his head before heading to the kitchen to grab them two glasses and the wine bottle. Once he finished, he called to her, letting her know that he was going to change.
When she said, "okay," he headed to his room and changed into comfortable clothes, unconsciously checking his appearance in the mirror. He walked back to the living room with the two glasses in his hand and the bottle of wine in the other.
He smiled, seeing Sakura sit on the couch with her phone in hand and the tv playing on the screen, on the news channel. Most times, he would feel upset that another had her attention while he was around, but this time, it was different.
He was not angry, just curious and a little jealous; only because it was getting late and possibly some other man was texting her phone.
Pushing those feelings aside, he walked over to her, sitting on the couch beside her. He leaned forward to set the glasses and wine on the table in front of them.
Sakura switched her phone off and casually placed her phone on the table, relieving him a little.
There was no suspicion in her actions and she did not even seem jumpy in the least bit. It was relieving.
"I was just texting Tomoyo." She tilted her head to the side slightly, looking at him curiously.
"Oh," he said, not even noticing that he had been staring at the phone on the table. "About that—" He stopped, remembering that Eriol had asked him not to mention it to anyone. Sakura, especially, since they are best friends.
"Hmm?" Sakura asked.
Syaoran leaned up and poured them both a glass of wine. They would need to drink a bit before having this conversation, he assumed.
He handed Sakura the wine, glad she accepted it. "You are fine with red wine, right? I should've asked you before," he said, sheepishly looking down at his glass.
Sakura touched his arm, making him look at her. She took a sip of her wine and then smiled at him. "Red wine is fine," she said reassuringly.
He sighed in relief. "Okay, good." He took a sip from his wine too.
"What about Tomoyo? You started to say something earlier," Sakura said, and then took a larger chug of her drink.
Syaoran watched her, wondering what is bothering her. She never pegged him as the type to be a drinker, so something had to be wrong.
"It's…not about Tomoyo," he said slowly, watching her pour more wine in her glass with shaky hands.
"What is it, then?" Sakura asked innocently.
"You said you want…kids, right?" he asked, sounding uncomfortable.
During mid-sip, she stopped, not moving an inch. She swallowed her drink slowly and then turned to him. "What about it?" she asked, raising a brow.
Syaoran shook his head, taking a chug of his wine. "Just asking," he said, in what he hoped, as a nonchalant tone.
"Well, yes, I do want kids some day in the future," she said, nodding her head slowly.
He wondered how he could ask the next question without hurting her.
"You don't want kids," she said suddenly.
He looked at her cautiously, wondering how he should respond to that. He could not tell if it was a trap or what. "I got the—"
"Vasectomy, I know. You told me," she said.
The tension was so thick in the room that it was beginning to become suffocating.
"Yeah, but—"
"So, why are we having this conversation?" she interrupted.
Syaoran untensed beside her and sat his half-empty glass down. "Because I thought about your mom and your birth," he said boldly.
"What about it?" she asked as if to say that she did not understand the question. "I mean, I know I said I didn't know much about her, because I don't. Even though it sounds crazy and unrealistic, I can still remember the way she smiled and held me when I first came out after they briefly brought her back to life. Nothing else after that, though."
Syaoran stared at her, feeling sympathetic for her. "I know, and I believe you. It's just…don't you think that…" he trailed off, hoping she knew where he is coming from.
"Wouldn't you think it's a genetic thing?" he asked, seeing that she was not going to figure it out on her own. She could be dense at times, he was beginning to notice.
She stared at the glass in her hand blankly, making him wonder if the question hurt her. She chugged the rest of her drink down.
"Sakura—"
"I'm having kids, Syaoran," she said in a finalizing tone.
"I—"
"Just because you don't want kids, doesn't mean you have to put it on me too," she interrupted again with a frown.
Syaoran's brows scrunched together, confused at why she would say that. "I know, and I wasn't trying to say that you couldn't have kids. I just thought that—"
"I know the percentage rate is higher for me to die during birth, but I still want to. I won't know unless I try," she said. "And, hopefully one day, I have a husband who'll understand and support my decision to do so."
He looked at her, sensing the hint in her tone. "I have nothing against you wanting kids, Sakura," he said gently.
Sakura sighed. "I never said you did. I just mean what I said," she said.
"There are re—"
"You don't want kids, though. Why have kids that you don't want? It'll just be like…" Sakura stopped.
Syaoran had already assumed in his head what she would say, though. "Like, what? A vicious cycle of me treating my child like shit, too?" he said distastefully.
"That's not what I was going to say," she said softly.
"You're thinking about it, because I am too," he said, grabbing his glass of wine to drink more.
He suddenly wanted something stronger than this.
"That's not true, Syaoran. There are only two routes you could take, if you did ever decide to have kids. Either choose not to let your kid go through the same thing because you want the best for them or treat them that way because it's the only way you know how to treat a child. I don't think it's the latter, either," Sakura said, caressing his arm lovingly.
His stomach fluttered as he leaned into her touch unconsciously. "That's what scares me," he said quietly, listening to his own heart beat loudly against his chest.
"I don't want kids because…what if I do treat them like shit? What if I do repeat what that woman did to me? I don't want to do that to anyone else," he whispered the last part quietly, as he recognized the burn behind his eyes.
"Syao—"
"It's not that I don't want kids, I just don't want to put them through that," he said sadly.
Sakura pulled on his arm. Taking the hint, he moved over into her arms, feeling weak and vulnerable. He hated this feeling so much, but Sakura always made it seem okay to feel like this.
She wrapped her arms around him tighter, making him snuggle closer to her chest in the awkward, slouched position. "You don't want to hear this right now, but I'll say it anyway. You will be alright. It's okay to feel this way about it now, but you can't dwell on this fear for the rest of your life," she said, caressing his hair gently.
The technique soothed him, even if it was a little.
"It'll get you nowhere, trust me."
Syaoran slid down her chest to her lap so he could look up at her face. As soon as he did, he felt something wet slide down the side of his face.
Before he could wipe them away, Sakura leaned down to kiss the tears on his face. "And, it's okay to cry sometimes. You've had all of this bottled up for so long, so you deserve to let it out sometimes," she said, and then kissed his cheeks again.
"Sakura…are you…"
"Yes, I'm speaking for myself as well," she said, taking the question right out of his mouth.
She sighed, smiling at him sadly. "We are so much alike in more ways than you can imagine," she said.
"How so?" he asked quietly.
"Because…" She looked at him, making him give her all his attention. "Right now, I'm stuck in the same position. I'm scared to get in a relationship, fearing that it would just be a repeat of the same thing. I don't want to enable another person because of their problems. I don't want to have to fix the person I'm with. I want to help the person as they fix themselves on their own, but I don't want to be the one who has to do it," she explained quietly.
He suddenly understood so much more about her from that explanation.
All this time, he had been assuming that she does not want to be with him because of his condition and she was ashamed of him. But, in the end, it was so much deeper than that.
Syaoran sat up from her lap and scooted closer to her. He kissed the side of her head. He motioned for her to lay down on the small couch, so they could cuddle.
When she did, he moved behind her, so they could spoon. He prayed that she would ignore his growing erection because it would just remind her that he still had some issues of his own.
Even though he did not think of sex as the first thing to turn to when things were going bad, his body still did. It was not used to the new Syaoran yet.
Syaoran wrapped his arms around her, pulling her closer to him. "Tell me about this codependent relationship you had," he said softly.
Sakura relaxed in his arms, letting out a soft sigh. "It was with Eiichi…" She trailed off.
"Look at me," Syaoran demanded softly.
Sakura tilted her head to the side, so she could look at him. "It's okay. I want to hear about your past," he said reassuringly.
She smiled at him before leaning up to brush her lips against his softly and then pulled back. "I met Eiichi in undergraduate school," she started off, laying her head back down on the sofa pillow under them.
"It was my first year in college, so I was 18. We were taking a class together, but he was only a part time student. He was in the military," she exclaimed in a cheerful tone.
Syaoran knew it was not the time to get upset, though. This was about her.
"It was…magical, like every girl says it is, being in love for the first time."
When she stopped talking, Syaoran squeezed her gently, coercing her to continue.
"Even thinking about this is hard, Syaoran. I don't talk about him anymore, because it's hard sometimes. I…"
"I understand. You don't have to rush yourself. We have all night," he said, kissing her head gently.
"Really?" she asked in such a vulnerable tone.
The tone made Syaoran pull her closer to him. He never saw Sakura in her weak moments. It was only a few times where he had, so he wanted to cherish every second she put her trust in him; her heart in his hands.
"Of course, take your time."
A few minutes of silence passed between them before Sakura sighed. "He got…deployed."
Syaoran caressed her arm, looking at the ceiling as he listened to her voice and the sound of her breathing.
"We were together for almost four years. We moved in together and he had just proposed to me before he was told that his unit would deploy," she said quietly.
Sakura sat up and turned to him, so she could look at him.
His heart twisted, seeing the tears glisten in her eyes. He sat up slightly, wrapping his arms around her, pulling her head to his chest. "Shh…you don't have to talk about it anymore," he said, caressing her hair gently as her tears wet his chest.
She shook her head against his chest. "No, I have to. I have to, so you can understand why we can't be together," she said between sniffling.
Syaoran ignored the stabbing in his heart, wanting to make her feel better any way he could.
She turned her head over, so she could lay her ear directly over his beating heart. "When he got back, things changed—he changed. He was… so cruel…he was mean, and it was like he lost touch with his humanity. Every little thing triggered him. Every little thing I said angered him, anything anyone said triggered him. So, he…started getting physical," she said the last part quietly.
Syaoran almost did not even hear her.
"It started with minor things like…pushing me aside when I upset him or saying mean things to hurt me. And then, it escalated from there. I know this may sound crazy to you, but it wasn't his fault. Something happened out there to him that I still don't know until this day, because he wouldn't talk about anything from his deployment. Even though I knew I couldn't help him, no matter how hard I tried, I still wanted to. I…"
When she stopped, Syaoran realized he had been holding his breath the entire time of her rant. He could feel white hot blood course through his body.
He had been upset before, but never this much. He wanted to kill the man. He was already plotting out how he would do it.
All he had to do was find out how he would find the man and hide the evidence. He wanted the man dead for putting his Sakura through something so traumatic.
"Your heart is beating so fast…" Sakura said quietly, resting her hand on the other side of his chest to caress it.
He shivered, holding her tighter to use something that could bring back his humanity. "Why?" he asked tightly. "Why did he do this to you?"
Sakura sighed. "I…I don't know. It was PTSD from whatever happened while he was gone, is the only thing I can come up with. And…it was me, taking up for his actions. Whenever he would do anything to hurt me, I reasoned for him. I covered for every single thing he did. By me doing this, it was like I supported his behavior. Our relationship just became one-sided over time. Just…me trying to take care of him and protect him from others," she said quietly.
Syaoran swallowed, feeling his hand shake from anger around her body. He had so many questions but did not know which one he should ask first. He knew he had to know one thing, though; where the man is.
"I told you a while back that I was strangled in my sleep…" She trailed off.
She grabbed his trembling fist, making him loosen the grip on his palms. "Please… I don't want you to get yourself all worked up over this," she said softly.
"How could I possibly not get worked up over this?" He grabbed her chin, forcing her to look up at him. "He hurt you. Just thinking about it, makes me want to skin him alive."
Her eyes dropped down, looking as if she did not want him to see her cry.
"Look at me, Sakura," he demanded.
When she did, he leaned down and kissed her lips gently. "Where is he now?" he asked after pulling away from the short kiss.
"It doesn't matter where he is—"
"Sakura. If you don't tell me, just know that I'll find him on my own," he said dangerously.
"I…" She stopped, pulling back from his face so she could lay her head on his chest again. "He's already gone."
Syaoran froze under her, not fully understanding what she means. "What?"
"He was depressed…and didn't want to live anymore, so he…" She stopped again, suddenly bursting into hysterical sobbing.
Syaoran was quick to sit up slightly, pulling her body with his so she could rest between his legs, as he wrapped his arms around her body tightly.
He had not expected her to say that, of all things. And, he was just trying to plot how he would kill the man himself. He suddenly felt guilty, because of her hysterical crying about it.
"I-I'm not crying because…I'm sad," she said between the sobs. "I…"
Syaoran held her closer and began rocking back and forth, stroking her hair gently. "Shh, you don't have to talk anymore," he said in a soothing tone.
She shook her head against his chest as she held on to his shirt tightly. "No, I have to. I'm over this. It's been six years…six years since this happened. I'm just crying because…"
She could not even finish the sentence as her entire body trembled, crying for some form of release of the tears and sorrow.
"I'm still so disappointed in myself. I failed him as a person. I couldn't save him and…" She stopped, and just continued to sob into his chest.
Syaoran continued to hold her, letting her cry into his chest as he thought about everything.
It all made so much sense to him now, especially her first breakdown when she had lost the patient a month ago. It was like a reminder of her losing Eiichi because she was powerless in the situation. She is a psychologist, so he thought that she would understand more than himself, that it is not possible to save everyone. But then, he realized it dug deeper than that.
Eiichi was not just a patient to Sakura, if one at all. He was a person who held great significance in her life. He was going to be the center of her life, but that was suddenly taken away from her. And, because of her overly-caring and passionate nature, she felt like she failed these people as a person, rather than a psychologist.
Instead of voicing his thoughts about encouraging her, he kept quiet. He knew that she was very well-aware that it was not her fault; that she had no power in this situation. She had been through this six year ago, so of course she had thought everything through. Plus, she had—
"Is this why you see Akinari?" he asked after her sobbing calmed down.
She sniffed, sitting up from his body, but he was quick to pull her body back to his. "Yes…"
Syaoran did not say anything, still not feeling comfortable with the thought of her seeing him to get help.
"But, I'm fine now. I've moved past that part of my life, and only see Aki when I need to. It's no longer a priority in my life anymore," she said, voice cracking a bit from the crying. "I'm a psychologist, listening and helping others 5 to 7 days out of week, so it's only natural for me to have a therapist. I have to maintain some level-headedness too."
Syaoran stared at Sakura, not knowing how to feel about all of this. One part of him understands her, but the other wanted to know so much more to understand a lot more.
"He strangled you, didn't he…?" he asked, though he already knew the answer to it.
She sniffed, nodding her head against his chest. "And, shot himself right afterwards."
At the whispered response, Syaoran released her, letting her sit up from his chest. He looked at her saddened expression, feeling his heart pause in its beats.
"He had already attempted to end his own life several times prior to that, but I was always there to talk him down from his episodes. He saw a therapist, but he was…already gone. Nothing could get through his head…no amount of therapy, medicine…nothing could help him." She looked down, wiping her eyes of the tears.
"Sakura…" He did not know what else to say, still surprised by this information.
"What sucks the most is…I didn't even get to go to his funeral. I didn't even get to see him one last time…to…apologize for not being enough for him at the time; for not being able to save him. I just wanted to see him one last time before…letting all of this go," she said quietly.
"So, do that," Syaoran coerced. "Go and talk to him. Apologize…tell him how you feel."
Sakura shook her head slowly. "I can't. I don't even know where he was buried…if he was buried. I just…left everything behind me in Tokyo, and Aki told me it would be best to. And, he was right. Moving back here was the best thing I could have ever done…"
"But, you want closure."
"I guess so. I just…I can never bring myself to ask Aki where he was buried…if he was buried at all, you know? Maybe…"
"So, try. You're always telling me to try things. The same could be applied for you as well," Syaoran said.
Even though he said this, he had already formulated a plan in his head to help Sakura. She is always ready to help him, so now he wanted to do the same, in any possible way he can.
It seemed like they were both an emotional rollercoaster right now.
She released a soft sigh. "I know, Syaoran. And, I'm not expecting you to…accept everything I've just told you about myself. I just want you to understand me."
"I accept everything about you, Sakura." He was quick to clarify that he was not judging her in any kind of way.
"Oh, Syaoran…please, you don't deserve this," she said in a shaky tone, telling him she would cry soon. "I can't be with you because we even started off wrong."
"I know we started off wrong, Sakura. Hell, I started off just wanting to have sex with you. We both started off wrong in this, but now, it's different for me." Syaoran leaned up to grab her face, caressing her soft, rosy cheeks. "I want you, Sakura. All of you. I don't just want sex anymore. I want the whole package."
The tears streamed down her cheeks as she stifled her sobs, touching his hand on her face. "Syaoran…"
"I'm not in this short-term anymore. You're the first person I think about every morning I wake up—hell, you're the last person I think about every night before I go to sleep. Every single time I come home to nothing, I can't help but wish that you were here, waiting for me to get home from work. Everything I do in my life, I always think about the way it would affect you. What I feel for you is long-term," he confessed, pulling her close to him by her neck.
She sobbed, trying to pull back from him, but he would not let her. She was quick to let him pull her over to him, so he could kiss her lips gently.
He could taste the salty liquid on the side of her mouth, but there was no way he could care. He had feelings for this woman in front of him, and he would be willing to do whatever it takes to have her with him.
She broke the kiss, looking at him sadly. "I used you, though, Syaoran. I used you for the sex. I used you for the good distractions of my own pain that I blamed you for bringing to the surface again. How could you ever want to be with someone who used you?" she sobbed, shaking her head.
"Are you using me now?" He was serious suddenly, not even the least bit hurt by this revelation.
They both had done some things they should not have done in the beginning. It changed nothing now, though.
Her face faltered, shaking her head. "Of course not, Syaoran. I care about you. I care about you enough to make you see that you deserve better. You deserve someone who can sleep at night in bed with you; someone who hasn't used you in the past. You don't want to be with someone who doesn't trust you, someone who—"
"I want to be with you, Sakura. I don't just want someone to be with. I want Kinomoto Sakura."
"You can't, though. What if I enable you too? What if—"
"You won't, Sakura. I won't let you do that to me. I won't even do anything to hurt you the way that bastard did. You mean too much for me to do that to you. I—"
"It's not you. It's all me, because of the type of person I am. That's why I can't be with someone who has issues of their own. That's—"
"I'll see another therapist, for crying out loud! I'm working through my problems now, aren't I? I went to lunch with my family earlier this week. You said I did fine, you—"
"Oh, Syaoran…please," she nearly begged. "Don't put yourself through this. You don't have to deal with me. I don't even trust you!"
"And, that's my fault. I created this fucked up image of myself by sleeping around. I don't blame you for thinking that I could cheat on you at any moment if we got together. That I'm thinking about another woman. But, let me take the blame for that. Let me build a trust to make you feel secure. I'll show you that you can trust me."
"How?" Her voice cracked. "How could you possibly do that? How could you possibly change how I feel?"
"It doesn't matter how. Just let me handle it, and we can see where we go from there. I'm working out my own problems too, so it's not just you helping me anymore. You told me to trust you with your betrayal stunt, and I did. So, could you at least try to trust me with this?" he asked gently.
She was quiet for a moment, rising the suspense in the room. "I can't be both your therapist and significant other…" she said.
"So, let's choose one. You can be my therapist until—"
"Syaoran," Sakura called, stopping him from talking.
"I'm trying. I understand why you're hesitant but try." He put emphasis on 'try.' Trying meant putting effort into their relationship.
"Psychologist aren't supposed to like their patients…"
"But, you do."
"It's normal for the patient too, but I should've stopped the meetings before it was too late," she said.
"But, you didn't."
"I…"
"Come here, Sakura," he demanded softly.
She crawled over to him in between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her, making her fall over to rest all her weight on him. "You can think about it. I know it'll take some time wrapping your head around everything that's going on with us, and what I've said. We are in no rush. No one knows about us and the way we feel, so there's no pressure or expectations held over our heads. We can do this at our own pace."
Sakura looked up at him with a vulnerable, frightening look on her face. "Okay," she said softly.
"We can keep quiet about it as long as you want to, because I know you have to think about your name in this town too. Just think about everything I've said, baby," he said, kissing her head.
He grabbed her by the waist, making her sit up slightly. He moved his hands down to her thighs, making her straddle his waist. Leaning forward, Syaoran ghosted his lips over her neck, leaving light kisses all over it.
As if she took the hint, Sakura situated her body, so she could sit directly on his lap, making him wrap his arms around her waist. He moved his hands up to her soft strands, pulling her head back slightly to have better access to her neck.
His other hand glided down her body to her waist, letting his hand slide under her shirt slightly to feel her smooth skin.
"R-right now?" She sounded breathless, spurring him on more.
He shifted under her, making her sit directly over his erection. "If you want to."
She dropped her head back down to look him directly in the eyes, telling him that she wanted this.
He pulled her head down, closing the gap between their lips.
The only thing that could be heard in the room was their kissing and heavy breathing as their kisses became more passionate.
"Tonight's news is something we all did not expect! Our famous psychologist Kinomoto Sakura and Doctor Li Syaoran were found canoodling near the café in downtown Tomoeda! Is there something going on between the two, or…"
Syaoran's lips stopped, head turning to the TV instantly. And there they were, hugging outside the café the other day after he saw his sisters at the café.
Everything came crashing down on him, telling him that all good things come to an end, even though they had not even started anything yet.
A/N: I didn't get the chapter out last week, so sorry, but I hope this update made up for the missed time! As always, thanks to theDeviantMe for editing, though I went in and added a bit more to the chapter after she finished. Therefore, any grammatical mistakes that are seen is completely my fault!
I didn't get to respond to reviews(I did read them all, so thank you all so much!), but I wanted to get the chapter out to you guys as fast as possible. This week has been extremely busy and will be for the rest of it because I have three test and assignments due before Thursday D:.
And, I know this is very random, but is there any episodes on CCS where we hear our dear Syaoran laugh? Chuckle? Anything remotely close to laugh, besides smile? I didn't notice until re-watching the show this past summer that he doesn't at all. Anyway, I was just curious if anyone else noticed it or if he did and I missed it :o.
Aside from the random thought, what did you guys think of the chapter? A little too much information to take in at once? Too little? Just the right amount? It would be great to know your thoughts!
I can't make any promises when the next update will be up, but I'll try to get around to working on the next chapter as soon as I find the time! I promise!
Ja ne!