1 January 1640
New Year's Day today! I stayed up until midnight with Kitty, and then when that old grandfather clock we inherited struck midnight we toasted the new year with a glass of wine each. It was nice, very calm and quiet and just the two of us celebrating the new year together. 1640! I'm probably going to get married this year, and probably with that be pregnant! Oh, I'm so excited to be pregnant! Having children is going to be so wonderful. I can't wait!
I'll see Kurloz again soon, and then I can give him his present. It's a lovely pen! I think he'll like it a lot.
4 January 1640
We had another fight about it today.
"Meulin, I don't know how much longer I can wait!"
"My sister…she's only sixteen."
"You were seventeen when your mother…when she passed. She's plenty old enough to manage on her own. Didn't you teach her to hunt?"
"A little," I admitted. "She is pretty good…"
"I don't want to come between you and her, or make this more difficult for you, but my father wants me to marry in sixteen days. And Meulin, I love you! I want to marry you. I want to have a family with you!"
"I love you too," I said. "I can't explain how much I want to marry you, or how much I want to have children with you. But I need Nepeta to be alright on her own. I need her to feel like she can handle her life without me before I leave."
He sighed. "I understand you love her. But you need to move on, or you'll be living in the past and treating your sister like a child forever."
"I'm not treating her like a child!"
"Obviously you are," he said. "Have you seen her with her friends? She still acts like a thirteen-year-old. It must be because that's how you treat her."
I felt like I'd had the wind knocked out of me. I've been trying very hard to raise Nepeta right, but if he's right-and he does tend to be-I'm part of the reason she's different, and part of the reason that's been giving her trouble. Maybe I am treating her like a child? I am doing all of this because of her. Maybe I shouldn't?
Oh, I don't know.
What I said was, "I-I need to think about this. And-oh, Kurloz. I do love you. I want to marry you. I-can't you tell your father we're engaged? It might buy you some time."
"I will," he said, sounding irate. "I don't have much of a choice."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I-I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" he asked.
"You sounded frustrated with me," I said.
"I'm not," he said, but he still sounded annoyed. "I should go talk to my father."
"I love you," I said.
"I love you too," he said, and he left.
I feel awful, about that and about treating Kitty like a child. I really can't do that-she hates it when people treat her like a child, and I don't want her to feel that way. She is different, but she's so brilliant and wonderful and kind that I don't think it matters. I'm so worried I'll mess things up, and maybe I'm so worried about ruining everything that I've looped it back around to being a failure.
I don't know what to do. I feel all tied up in knots by this. I don't know how to solve all these problems, and I certainly don't know how to change the way I've always treated my sister. It's probably best I just talk to her. Communication is important, my mama said. Sometimes you just need to talk to someone, because most problems are just miscommunication.
7 January 1640
I asked Kitty about it today.
"Hey, Nepeta?"
"Yes?"
"Do I treat you like a child?"
She shrugged. "Um, a little. Sometimes."
"I'm sorry."
"It's alright," she said. "You're raising me now. It's not like how other people do."
"If you're sure," I said, but I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it. She sounded pretty assured, but people don't always mean what they say and I'm so afraid I'm hurting her without knowing it.
I'll marry when she's seventeen. She'll be plenty old enough. I was only so afraid to be on my own when I was seventeen because I had to take care of Kitty. She just has herself, and Button I suppose, but Button takes care of herself. She'll be fine on her own when she's seventeen. My goodness, she'll probably be married in just a few short years herself!
I've certainly gotten myself much too worked up over this. Kurloz was right-I am treating my sister like a child, and she's not. I can't keep acting as if she can't take care of herself when she certainly can, as she's already hunting decently well. I love her, and I can't treat her this way when it's not helping her or me at all.
11 January 1640
Kurloz apologized today.
"I'm sorry for snapping at you, and for saying such things. I've been under a lot of stress at home. And it's going to be alright. My father said he'd give me a few more months. No later than July, but still. More time."
"Its alright," I said. "I understand how it can be. And that works out perfectly. If we marry in late July, Nepeta will be almost seventeen, and I can visit home every day until she is. And I understand. It can be a lot."
"Is there any chance we can marry earlier?" he asked.
"I don't know," I said. "Why?"
"I'm very much testing his patience right now," he said. "My father…is not very happy with me right now. The sooner we marry-and the sooner we have a child-the better."
"I know," I said. "And I'm sorry. But I can't abandon my sister."
He sighed heavily and said, "Alright."
"Would you like some tea?"
He looked at me oddly and pointed at his teacup.
I blushed a little and said, "No, I mean, for your nerves. My mother had teas for people when they were worried or things were difficult. To make things more manageable."
"No, thank you," he said. "I can manage."
"Alright," I said. "Just tell me if you change your mind. There's no shame in it, and certainly no harm. I drank it every night for a while when my mother passed, and sometimes even now if it's just been a long day."
"Can't you just manage without it?" he asked.
"I can," I said. "But it's easier with the tea."
He nodded. "I see. I hope it helps."
"It does."
And that was that.
15 January 1640
I'm teaching Kitty how to hunt in the winter, which is different because you can't really camouflage as well by just wearing green and moving carefully, and she's actually better at it! I know I can be fidgety and have trouble sitting still, but she's very good and sitting very still until the animals think she might as well be a part of the scenery and she can shoot our dinner.
I'm going to miss this. I want to marry Kurloz and have my family, my own little babies with their big eyes and sweet smiles, but I'm going to miss eating dinner with my little sister, just the two of us. We're happy together, Kitty and me. We're family. She's always been my family, and she always will be.
18 January 1640
Kurloz turned twenty-one in a few days! I want to get him a nice present, but I'm not sure what. And I don't have much in the way of savings right now, since it was just Christmas. I ask him what he wants, and all he says is for me to love him. I do love him! I just want to give him something even half as nice as the things he gives me. I don't know what he wants, though!
My goodness, this is hard! Well, I'm sure I'll come up with something. I always have. I have some faith in my mind to turn up something in the end.
20 January 1640
I found a good gift! His family doesn't really do birthdays, because they find them frivolous, apparently. How very strict! I know some people's religion prohibits them from doing things like dancing or having birthdays, and I can't imagine it! I can't imagine not allowing yourself to enjoy your own life. My mama told me once that God loves us and so God wants us to be happy. So why shouldn't I enjoy myself?
Well, that doesn't matter. He had his birthday with me! I believe in dancing and birthdays and good fun. I made baked apples and gave him his gift, a stand and fancy inkwell for the pen I gave him. They match and everything! He said he loved it. I'm glad-it's hard to find a good gift for him. He said that he didn't need a fancy gift, and I told him he got me so many nice things that I want to get nice things for him.
He smiled, sweet as sugar, and kissed me softly. I'm glad he seemed less worried. I can't tell, these days, how he'll be. I suppose I can understand that; I'm sure my moods were a bit wild when Mama passed. He's shouldering a lot right now, with his father. I just hope our wedding can ease some of that burden.
Kitty said today that Karkat is with one of her friends and she's hurting about it. I understand that. It must feel more personal now, rather than just Karkat being rude. I feel awful for her. I hope she feels better soon.
24 January 1640
It's freezing cold outside right now. I might freeze to death, my goodness! I have my warm cloak and my hat and scarf and mittens and all that, but I do have to hunt, and it's awfully cold out.
Kitty doesn't mind the cold so much, so she does out to hunt sometimes for me, and I'm grateful. Our stews are getting a bit duller as the winter wears on, but I think we'll be alright for food. We always preserve more than we think we'll need, partially just in case and partially because then if someone doesn't have enough we can give it to them. It's the midwife's job to help people, and if they're sick from starving it's my job to help them.
There's more illness now than in the summer. People get sick more easily in the cold. My mother has a million treatments for winter fever in her book, along with every other illness, but it's still just more work.
I can't stop this work. When I'm married, I can't stop doing this. I'm saving people's lives. I can't stop.
28 January 1640
Kurloz was over today for tea, and he asked about Horuss and my other friends.
"How are they?"
"I don't know," I said. "Damara's lost her mind. I can hardly stand to speak to Rufioh, honestly. Horuss likes me, and I can't deal with that. Porrim and I disagree about Damara. Aranea and I have never been close. And Kankri drives me mad! Oh, Latula and Mituna are doing well. They came for lunch the other day, and that was quite fun. How are Cronus and Meenah?"
"Well, they are married now," he said. "Not that they see each other more often for it. Meenah's fully recovered, finally. Damara did quite the number on her."
"Oh, I'm glad to hear that," I said. "That she's better, I mean."
He laughed. "Of course."
"They'll have to have an heir," I said.
"Oh, I'm sure they will, but they have plenty of years left to have children. I have the sense…hm. Don't tell anyone else that I told you, but I suspect he does not like women."
"You mean he'd sleep with a man."
"Yes," he said, still quiet.
"Well, I'm sure Meenah won't mind if he has a special friend on the side. She and Aranea…"
"What?" he said, his eyes going wide.
I shrugged. "I know people say it's sinful, but I don't think it can be bad to sleep with someone you love, even if you can't have a child together. I mean, it feels nice, doesn't it? Why should someone be denied that because they can't have a child?"
He went quite pink and said, "Sleeping with someone you can't have a child with is a sin. Just because it feels nice doesn't mean it's the right thing to do." I forget his religion is much stricter than mine. That's alright. He understands when I explain it.
"I suppose," I said. "But I still don't think it's fair to categorically deny someone that kind of love just because of who they love."
"I just can't wrap my head around it," he said.
"We'll just have to agree to disagree," I said.
"Alright," he said. "But I won't-we won't do that."
"We're going to have children, aren't we?" I said. "If that's your quarrel, we won't have that problem. We'll have lots of children!"
"Yes, I think we will," he said softly, and he reached out to stroke my hair behind my ear. It was so soft I thought I might melt. "I love you. And I'll love our children."
"I love you too," I said. "And I will love our children."
He smiled, and it was…it was good. It's going to be good.
31 January 1640
There's been an outbreak of smallpox in the village. I had smallpox when I was a child, though I had a relatively minor case, so I'm not afraid, but it is so much work and it's so hard because people die. Most of the time, the farm girls live, but no one else can be so guaranteed. Mama noted that people who had cowpox hardly ever had smallpox, but it's hard to tell because they do still get it, sometimes, and sometimes they get it but it's not as bad.
One man had bleeding pox, and there was a child with the flat pox. My mama taught me the four kinds-normal, minor, flat, and bleeding-and so many this time have the bad kinds. Children, especially, have been having the flat pox, and that's one of the ones that kills.
It's hard to be in the village right now, with everyone ill and stressed and tired. But I'm doing everything I can to keep people comfortable, and isolating them from other-especially children.
2 February 1640
Kurloz was over today, but I couldn't possibly stay. I told him as much, because of this outbreak in the village, and he asked why I couldn't take a break.
"Kurloz, people are ill. People are dying. I have to go."
"If you work yourself exhausted, you'll be ill, too."
"I can't get smallpox-I've already had it. If I'm a bit tired, so be it. People need me right now. They need me to help them, and treat them. There's a child crying in pain right now, Kurloz. I need to be there."
"Are you sure you can't stay and have tea? I've been hoping we could talk."
"I really can't," I said, pushing my pack farther up my back. "I have to go. I'm sorry. We can talk when this outbreak is under control."
"Fine," he said. "See you then."
"Of course," I said. "I love you."
"Love you too," he said.
I understand he's upset, but I need to do my job.
Our village can't have more than two thousand people in it, and I think I've treated about a hundred of them (my goodness!). Anyone who's sick is not permitted to leave their home, and if they're sick and they have family who aren't sick and never have been, they're to stay with someone else. I've been keeping people comfortable as well as I can, making chicken soup almost constantly. And I've been using vinegar soaks to bring down the fevers. At this rate, I'll be out of both rosehips and elderflower!
I hope this passes soon. Smallpox lasts about two weeks, maybe a bit longer, so in a week or so this should be better.
6 February 1640
I'm glad I preserved as much as I did, because I have been burning through rosehips and elderflower and mint and even chamomile, because it's hard to sleep when you feel that awful. And you need sleep to feel better!
No one else seems to have gotten sick. So in about a week, this should pass, and people will be better. I'm not looking forward to when the blisters start to burst. That is the worst part of the illness.
10 February 1640
The blisters have started to burst for most people, and it's exactly as disgusting as I remember. I don't say anything to the sick people, of course, because the last thing they need is the midwife saying how gross they are, but it's disgusting, and I have to deal with it.
It's mostly cleaning. Nepeta's agreed to help me, because I have other things to do. She doesn't like to do this work, but she'll help me when I need her to. Her friends have been kind about it.
Kurloz only came to see me once since I turned him away. It's good of him to give me time to worry about this. I can talk to him about what's on his mind once this has passed.
14 February 1640
It's finally really over. People are still ill, but the deaths have stopped and most people are just about done with the blisters, and now it's just scabs and scars. The children have to be told, over and over, not to itch, but that's about it, and I can make skin creams for that.
I'm exhausted. I might just take a day or two to sleep and recover a little. Anyone who's not an emergency will have to wait. I need to rest.
17 February 1640
I feel much better-about back to normal-but Kurloz still hasn't come by. Maybe I should write him? He probably doesn't understand how smallpox works, or how long it lasts. Someone who isn't a midwife is a physician, so someone who's only dealt with it once, wouldn't know everything I know thanks to my mother's books.
It's been good to take a couple of days to rest. Kitty hunted for me and I did cook some, but I also took time to just sip tea and read to myself.
20 February 1640
I wrote Kurloz, but he still hasn't come by, and I'm starting to worry. I'm worried he's ill or something's happened to him, and I'm also worried that he's upset with me. I know he wanted to talk about something, but I have a job to do! It's important to me!
Maybe I should've set aside some time for him. He needed me, and I wasn't there for him. If he doesn't come by in a few days, I'll write him again to apologize. If he comes by, I'll just apologize in person.
24 February 1640
He was by for lunch today! I was so relieved. I cooked a good meal and made tea and said, "I know you wanted to talk, and I'm sorry I didn't make time for you. I suppose I let the crisis overwhelm me. I should've been there for you. Do you still want to talk about it?"
"It's fine now," he said, and he sounded bitter.
"Are you sure?" I asked. "You sound upset."
"I'm fine!" he snapped, and I recoiled.
"I'm sorry," I said. "You seemed awfully upset, and I just want to be here for you."
"Don't be sorry," he said, irate. "I'm fine, alright? Can't you just let it go?"
"Sorry," I said. "Tea?"
"I have tea already," he said.
"Oh, right," I said, feeling silly. "Well, let me check on lunch. Are you hungry?"
"A bit," he said. "Is it good?"
"I hope so," I said. "I cooked it myself, so I may not be the best judge."
"It's probably fine," he said moodily.
"Are you sure you're alright?" I asked. "Is it your father again?"
"I'm fine!" he snapped again. "Why won't you let anything go?"
"Sorry," I said, and I went to kitchen to finish lunch.
He wasn't in a much better mood when he left, but I can't blame him. He's shouldering a lot of weight right now. When we're married, I'm sure some of it will lift and he can be a bit more relaxed.
28 February 1640
It's starting to get a bit warmer, and I'm preparing for planting season. The garden is our second-best source of food and herbs, after hunting of course. And it's good that we can eat lots of different vegetables, because my stews never get boring!
I hope Kurloz is feeling better. He wouldn't tell me what was wrong, and that worries me. If he can't talk to me, I'm not sure who else he has. He can't talk to his father, certainly, and his brother is most often off drinking. Eliza was once his friend, but not any longer. He doesn't have many other close friends, because that is what politics does to a person.
2 March 1640
Kurloz was over today, and he told me that he's been by less often because his father has been introducing him to women almost constantly, and the women themselves are becoming more and more insistent. They flirt with him shamelessly and say things that imply there would be personal benefits to the marriage (he went quite red at that, it was adorable).
"Of course I haven't taken any of them up on the offer," he said. "I have you."
"A few months," I promised. "Once Nepeta's old enough."
He nodded. "How has Latula been?"
"Fine," I said. "Busy, you know. She was helping me with the smallpox laundry."
"Of course," he said with a note of bitterness so subtle I wasn't quite sure I'd heard right. "Have she and Mituna been trying to have children?"
"I'm not sure," I said. "Porrim told them her trick for not having children if you don't want to. They want to have money saved up before they start a family, just in case something were to happen."
"Porrim's trick?" he asked, choked.
"Yes," I said. "She told me, too, but I doubt we'll use it. Since we want children."
"Ah."
"She has been a bit odd lately about you," I said. "She says you're all I ever talk about. I said that's not true, but she's very serious about it."
He rolled his eyes. "Well, you know how some people are. Can't stand to see other people happy."
"Yes," I said vaguely. "I don't know if that's Latula, though. She is awfully kind."
"She does seem to be," he said. "I don't know her well."
"You should meet her," I said. "I trust you and your judgements."
He smiled. "I'm glad to hear it. I just hope she's a good person. You're so wonderful, and you deserve all the best from your friends."
I nodded. "Thank you."
"What for?" he asked.
"Just being here for me," I said. "When people are difficult to deal with."
"It's hard being a person, and hard talking with people," he said. "I'm glad you're here for me, too. I'd never manage with my father without you. And…I am sorry I snapped at you, a few days ago. That wasn't fair of me."
"It's alright. I understand. I'm known to do the same under stress."
I smiled, and he kissed me.
It was very nice to kiss him. The first time we did, I was so unsure. I didn't know what I wanted, and I didn't know we could kiss before we were married, and I just had no idea what to do. Now I know what I want, and how nice it is to kiss him, and how much I want him.
5 March 1640
Kurloz managed to escape more of his father's attempts to marry him off today. He said the women, while fine enough, aren't half as lovely as me. He's said it before, but whenever he does I feel myself blushing terribly. He's so sweet! I love him so much.
He brought me a little gift today. He said he knows I don't like gifts, but he saw this book in the market and thought of me. It's a book about a doctor in a small town, and his adventures there. It seems like a good book, although I have a sense it might be one of those books where the men are characters and the women are there for the plot, but he's a man-he wouldn't understand that. And anyways, it was so kind of him to think of me. He knows I like medicine and I like romance-type novels, so it makes sense.
I think I'll like this book. After all, it was a gift!
9 March 1640
His father has been absolutely mad about trying to have Kurloz meet "the right girl". The problem is that his father doesn't understand that he's already found a girl, and so is trying very hard to figure out what it is Kurloz wants that these girls don't have. It's kind of funny! I almost feel bad for his father.
I told him to please tell his father we're engaged, so that this can be easier for him, but he isn't sure. I hope he will. I think it might make things easier on him, and it would get his father to leave him alone about this.
13 March 1640
My goodness! Today was…today was quite the day!
My sister was in the village today with Karkat and Equius and her other friends, and so Kurloz came over. He was all sweet like he is, and he brought these lovely flowers, and he fretted about the women his father has him meeting, and he mentioned…he mentioned how some of them want to sleep with him.
"Really? But you're not married."
"I'm not that old-fashioned," he said, rolling his eyes. "It's just that none of them are…are you. Or even half as pretty as you."
"Am I?" I asked. "Pretty, I mean."
"Yes," he said, sounding sad.
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing."
"Kurloz, something's wrong," I said. "It's alright, you can tell me."
"Well, I'm not. I mean, I just feel sometimes, that you don't find me…handsome, or good-looking, or what have you."
"No, you're handsome and attractive!" I said. "It's just-marriage and all!"
He looked at me funny. "You-you know that's not what anyone does, don't you?"
"What do you mean?"
"Most people, when they're engaged, they'll sleep together. They're married before the children are born, of course. I've seen it happen for lots of women."
I blinked. I didn't know that, but if I count back the months, the women in the village do that, too. I just never ask about it-it feels quite rude.
"Oh."
"We don't have to," he said, all in a rush. "I'm sorry."
"No, no," I said. "I didn't know. I-I suppose-my goodness, I never thought-"
"Meulin," he said. "It's just fine. We don't have to do anything you don't want to do."
"I don't know," I said.
"Your sister's out, right?" he said.
"Yes."
He nodded.
"Kurloz, I-my goodness-look, I don't know, you're very handsome and I do want you-" I was tripping on my words, just rambling all over the place.
"If you want me and I want you, why shouldn't we?" he said, his voice rough.
I kissed him, hard, and I wasn't sure but once we were in bed it was…it was wonderful. It hurt a little at first, but I think that's supposed to happen. It does in all the books, anyways. And it was so nice after that. Afterwards he cuddled with me for a long time, telling me how much he loves me and how beautiful he thinks I am. I know I'll never love anyone like I love him, and I know no one else will ever love me like he does, but it's still nice to hear it.
I wish my mama was here. She'd understand.
17 March 1640
He was over again today, but we didn't go to my room again because Kitty was home. It felt so nice. I feel…I feel odd about it, since we aren't married, but it's really nice and it satisfies the wanting I've been feeling in my gut since we first kissed. Our wedding night won't be special how I thought it'd be, but it'll be special because we'll be married.
21 March 1640
I haven't seen Latula in a while. She must be awfully busy with everything, laundry and cooking and everything else she has to do. Being an adult means a lot of work I didn't have when I was young. I can only imagine it's like that for all of us.
I have Kitty and Kurloz, and that's all I need anyways. I don't need a million friends to be happy, and I don't need anyone else to tell me I have value. I can tell myself that.
25 March 1640
My sister and I had dinner today, and she told me she misses me. When I spend a lot of time with Kurloz, sometimes I don't spend as much time with her, and that's not what I want to do. I want to be close to my sister for my whole life. I love her, and we're sisters-we can be the closest of friends, because we've known each other our entire lives.
It's the time of year the most people have influenza. Everyone thinks it's winter, and winter is when more people get sick, but influenza specifically peaks in March and sometimes into April.
Well, I can manage that. I always have.
29 March 1640
Kurloz was over today, and he told me he finally did it! He told his father we were engaged. The only problem is that is father insisted on a June wedding, no later. Everything's mostly planned out, and so my darling told me perhaps I best start sewing my dress.
"It's so soon!" I said.
"I know," he said. "But we don't have much choice."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I know this is all because of me, and I know it's hard for you."
"It's alright," he said. "It has been hard, but it's going to be over soon. We'll be married."
"I'm a little sad we won't have a wedding night," I said idly.
"What, do you not want to sleep with me?" he asked.
"No, no, that's not what I meant," I said. "It's just that I always kind of wanted a romantic wedding night."
"We can still have a romantic wedding night," he said. "Just because it's not the first doesn't mean it isn't good."
"I know," I said. "Maybe we even can today! It's just something I wanted when I was younger."
"Alright," he said. "Well, we all have little dreams when we're children. I wanted to be a professor of math, did I ever tell you?"
I laughed. "I used to want to go to university. My mother had a hard time letting me down from that one, because she knew it would never happen. It was her fondest dream, too."
"University? Are there any women there?"
"No, but there should be," I said. "Anyways, I was a child. I didn't know any better. I just wish I spoke as many languages as my mother did!"
"She spoke lots of languages?"
"Oh, yes, eight or nine I think by the end of her life."
"Wow," he said, sounding impressed. "That's a lot for a woman."
"It's a lot for anyone," I said. "I really only speak English and French and Russian, and a little Italian."
"Oh," he said. "I only have English and French."
"That's more than a lot of people," I said. "And if you want more, it's never too late to learn! I'm still learning new things when I read, these days."
"You'll love our library," he said. "My father is there a lot, so…perhaps not as much, but it's still nice and full of books."
"I'm sure I will!" I said. It will be such fun to live in the castle! A big fancy bedroom and a library and a nice bathroom! We've always done our baths in the kitchen, because that's where the fire is for heating the water, so I've never taken a bath in a bathroom! I think that will be quite something. Kurloz is used to such things, so he doesn't quite understand why I'm so excited about it, but I am. Kitty certainly understands! I'll ask her to visit me and she can stay in the fancy guest quarters.
Our children will probably all have their own rooms, which they wouldn't in my house. It would a room for my husband and I, a room for Kitty (and possibly her husband), and a room for our children. This will be better for them, and what I want is a better life for my children. I think that's what everyone wants.