Chapter 20

Several memories, forgotten from years past, suddenly began to resurface in Scarlett's mind. She remembered once, she was a little girl, scampering wildly down the carriage path to Tara, being chased by a few black boys who were scampering and laughing with the thrill of the chase. She reached the steps to the plantation house first and triumphant slamming her hand against the veranda post, she turned to her pursuers and put out her tongue. Then she gave a beaming smile and ran inside. But just as she crossed the threshold, she quickly veered a few steps back into the porch and stood aside in loyal admiration. Ellen had been planning to make her rounds to the houses of their more unfortunate neighbours and this afternoon, she was setting off, her hair in a tight, smooth chignon, her black taffeta dress- crisp and fresh and smelling of lemon-verbena. The black child who always followed her about, now carried two boxes of Ellen's hand-sewn clothing for a few scrawny infants and a vessel full of soup for an old widow. Mammy thundered behind Ellen, muttering words under her breath and occasionally chiding the little girl to keep her mind on her work. As Ellen stepped into the porch, when she saw Scarlett, her soft eyes instantly filled with reproach. Scarlett immediately bit her lip and stuck a foot behind another and looked extremely sheepish. One word from Ellen asking Scarlett how she got the tear in her dress or the scrape on her knee and Scarlett would have instantly plunged into the adventure of trying to crawl under a stubborn hedge to catch a stray chicken and falling over a jutting piece of rock in an effort to hop across the garden stretch on one foot for the longest time. But Ellen never asked those questions. Before Scarlett used to wonder why but off late she had begun to accept that her Mother may be too gentle to inquire after such coarse things.

Instead, much to Scarlett's exasperation, Mammy began to enrage at her. "Miss Scarlett, what have you been doing with yourself since this morning? Making such a hole in your dress and running with them field-hand children. You know better than to run about like that and worrying your family. And what have you been eating? I can see something red in the corner of your lip. Now don't swallow it! It better not be those berries-"

"Mammy-" said Ellen, softly.

Mammy instantly stopped speaking and turned to Ellen respectfully.

Ellen threw a glance in Scarlett's direction. "Give Scarlett a bath and mend the tear in her dress."

"Yes, Miss. Ellen" said Mammy, faithfully.

Ellen walked down the steps and got into the carriage. She arranged the folds of her skirt about her and signalled for the coachman to take off.

Mammy shuffled back into the house before realizing that Scarlett hadn't followed her. She shuffled back out and called for Scarlett to follow at once. "Miss. Scarlett, now you better do what your Ma told you. Miss. Scarlett-"

But Scarlett stood extremely still, clutching the post and staring after the disappearing carriage. Now the admiration had gone and instead a vague sadness was in her heart. A single tear ran down her cheek as she remembered how she had squirmed in her Mother's soft gaze. Her Mother had the power to make her feel absolutely ashamed. And she deserved to feel ashamed. She really shouldn't have run like that with the boys or torn her dress. She simply couldn't understand why she was so different or couldn't control her impulses better. But her Mother loved her anyway. Mother was wonderful. The fount of wisdom and a pillar of strength. But as Scarlett turned, she couldn't help wondering with a childish wonder why she couldn't attract her mother's attention or love with the sweetness of her face or the glitter in her eyes. It was a vague question. Very vague and stirred a dumbed down sense of disappointment. But she would try harder. Maybe she just hadn't looked bright or impish enough.

She shrugged and followed Mammy inside.

A year later, Ellen had begun her lessons to her children on how to be little ladies. Scarlett, on some pretext or the other had managed to evade the lessons and wandered often into the cotton fields or the orchard. But somehow, as much as she laughed and enjoyed the fresh hilly air, the loneliness that immerged during early childhood seemed to grow stronger and stronger. She crept back to a window sill and peeped inside. Suellen was anxiously memorizing some poem and Careen was reading the Bible aloud. Ellen was seated in her favourite armchair, very erect, and trimming a frock. Scarlett looked in on this scene and with a final, defeated sigh, she went inside to join them. That evening began her first lesson in being a proper Southern belle.

While Scarlett couldn't share much of her experiences with her family, she never failed to relish them on her own. She witnessed baby animals giving birth, collected eggs in baskets, dug in the dirt for potatoes, brushed ponies- She enjoyed the life in the plantation home. Others spoke as if they loved the land but it was Scarlett who acted out on that love. She loved taking brisk walks, riding slowly on her horse to savor the County landscape. In these occupations, she found very little female company. As the years went by, she was beginning to grow in despair. She had failed to make any girlfriends and Mother never asked her why. She stayed late with the beaus in the County and Ellen never questioned that either. The things that were expected of Scarlett were to walk daintily on pigeon-toed feet, dance in rhythm and make polite compliments. This Scarlett found too easy. Her mind was naturally drawn to selfish desires which she had come to regard with fear and guilt.

It was a few years later. Scarlett remembered being at some gathering in the main town and she was standing in the crowd, a sun hat over her head and a shawl about her shoulders to protect her flawless white skin and her attention was suddenly diverted to Stuart Tarleton and India Wilkes who stood a few feet away from her. They were talking something, she could not catch what they spoke. But India was bending her head and in that plain face, she saw a soft, winsome smile. India was listening attentively to something Stuart was saying and when she looked up, her eyes were brilliant with love and there was a contentment on her face. Scarlett remembered staring at the couple with curiosity, then astonishment and then an unexplainable rage. What could Stuart possibly have been saying? He always says silly, childish things. And he was always playing silly pranks. And why was India smiling like that? How could she, who was so plain and frightfully boring have something to be so contented about?!

Scarlett remembered feeling an odd sense of emptiness. A queer longing for love that only a mother could have filled. And when the crowd had broken up and India had left in her carriage, Scarlett remembered walking just by the twins and laughing out brightly. Stuart turned around and was pleasantly surprised to find Scarlett regarding him with such gay familiarity. "Why Stuart Tarleton! I could hardly recognize you in that smart suit you've got on. You are getting to be more and more like a gallant County swain. I could swear trembling down to my poor, weak knees when I saw you walk in with Brent. And Brent, how could just stand there like that without giving me so much as a handshake. I've come home for good from Lafayette. And I just know you boys will show me a good time here-"

Stuart and Brent stared at Scarlett, blushing to their ears and making fumbling responses, all the while wondering how come they never thought Scarlett was so beautiful before. They didn't realize that was the day when Scarlett had decided to make herself be noticed.

A decision which was made seriously and deliberately in the mind of a girl who had refused to succumb to the feelings of absolute powerlessness.