Honey I Love You But I Just Can't Smile

by sciencegeeky

Meulin Leijon's beloved mother passed away not even a year ago. Now she's raising her younger sister alone, trying to balance her friends, her family, her work, and most important-her beloved Kurloz. It's going to be difficult, but she can do it. Right?

10. Honey I Love You

2 April 1640

Kurloz was over today, and he asked if I'd made progress on my wedding dress. I told him I'd bought the fabric and picked a pattern, and he almost panicked. "You haven't started yet?"

"No," I said. "It won't take me more than a month to sew it, with embroidery and all. And I'm using the lace from my mother's wedding dress, so it'll take even less time."

"Why are you using her lace? That's a bit…rude, isn't it?"

"She told me she wanted us to have it," I said. "She didn't wear her wedding dress after her love died, and she told me once I could wear it to my wedding, or take some of the lace for something old."

"Are you following that superstition?" he asked. "It strikes me as a bit…I don't know. Irreverent?"

"I suppose," I said. "But 'something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue' is kind of sweet. Something old from my mother, something new for my dress, something borrowed from my sister, and something blue-my dress! My mother and my sister can be with my on my wedding day."

"Won't your sister be there?"

"Of course. I just-oh, I don't know. Maybe it doesn't make any sense."

"It's alright," he said. "We can all be irrational, and that's alright."

"Yes, I suppose," I said. "Well, anyways, I'll be starting my dress soon. I'll be wearing it a fair bit, probably, so I best make it well!"

"Why would you wear it more than once?"

"It's a nice dress," I said. "I can use it for any festival or occasion. My mother wore her wedding dress for years after she was married."

"We won't have to do that," he said. "We have money, and seamstresses, and…well, I'm sure you're a brilliant seamtress, but honestly there's probably higher standards for some of our palace functions."

I felt a little hurt, but he is right-they dress differently for palace functions. I'm making my own wedding dress, but it might be the last dress I make. I'm sure I'll have to wear all the latest court fashion for most functions. Well, I can wear my normal clothes around the "house", probably. I'm not sure anyone will stop me from doing that.

"I do like my clothes, though," I said. "They're decently comfortable, and they fit perfectly."

"Whatever the seamstresses make will fit you exactly," he said. "And they can make it out of the best fabrics, so it will surely be comfortable."

"Yes, that's true," I said.

"I don't want you to worry, is all," he said. "You have a lot on your mind. A creature as angelic as yourself shouldn't have to concern herself with such trivialities as cooking and sewing." His voice was soft and kind, and I could feel myself going red. "We can focus on our political duties and raising our children. And plenty of leisure time, I'm sure."

"Leisure time!" I said. "I've never thought of it like that."

"You deserve it," he said.

"Thank you," I said.

It was a good day. After eating, we…we slept together. It felt so amazing, and this time since we've practiced some, I knew just what to do (so did he!).

I just hope I'm not pregnant. I don't think I could be, since this really is only the third time. I'm pretty sure I would notice! Women in the village vomit and feel dizzy and crave odd foods and have headaches and breast aches. I would notice if that happened to me!

I don't mind. I just don't want to have a baby until we're married.

7 April 1640

I picked a pattern and a fabric for my dress today. I'm so excited! The design will work well with my mother's lace, and Kitty's going to lend me her nice necklace to match the blue. She's also going to help me with the embroidery, because heaven knows she's better at it than I am. The dress is going to be beautiful! I'm sure no girl will be as happy as I will be on my wedding day, and Kurloz will say no girl will ever be as lovely.

Just two months until I'm married! I'm so excited.

11 April 1640

Kitty asked me today about the wedding.

"When is it?"

"June. June fifth."

"That's so soon."

"I know," I said, feeling giddy.

"Do you really think I'll be alright on my own?" she asked, sounding a little nervous.

"Yes," I said. "I taught you to hunt, didn't I? And you said you don't want me to treat you like a child. So I'm not. You'll be fine."

"I think so," she said. "You'll visit, right?"

"Of course," I said. "I love you. I'll always love you."

"I love you too," she said with a little smile.

I do, and I always will.

14 April 1640

I'm making good progress on my dress, and I think it will be done in plenty of time. As soon as I'm done with the skirt I'm going to give it to Nepeta to embroider and I'll work on the top, which is harder to fit perfectly, and I do want it to fit perfectly. At least I'm not growing anymore! My breasts stopped growing when I was seventeen, and I'm glad of it. I didn't like forever having to fix my shirts so they fit my ever-growing body. Now if I sew a dress, it will stay with me for as long as I like, or until it wears out.

I wish I had more time for my friends. There's just so much to do! Kurloz is taking care of much of the actual wedding planning, because he knows what's expected of a wedding for a powerful duke's son, so for me it's the dress. Kurloz said he'll manage invites, and as we're to have a small wedding party (just my sister and his brother) there's not much work for that. Kitty's wearing a nice dress of hers, so no worries with that.

I'm also wearing my mother's old veil. I'm glad I don't have to make one of those! It's harder than you'd think.

So soon! I can hardly believe it.

17 April 1640

A woman in the village, Rebecca, has been having some trouble with her pregnancy. She's been awfully sick, vomiting constantly and not able to keep anything down. I'm worried about her. I've been treating her with ginger and lemon and peppermint (it's a delicious tea), but she's hardly able to keep down water. I've been having her drink water constantly to keep from dying of thirst, and telling her where to put pressure on her wrist to help, but I'm not sure it'll be enough.

I'm worried about her. I hope she makes it, but…she might not.

21 April 1640

I'm doing everything I can for Rebecca, trying to keep her comfortable, and luckily her husband is helping me. I give him tea for her to take three times a day, and orders to boil water for her, and have her drink it as much as she can. I also left behind broth for her, so she can have at least something to eat.

Kurloz has been by, so I've been telling him of my progress on my dress. But he won't see it until our wedding day, of course! I'm excited for it. We're going to be married! We're going to have babies together, and it's going to be wonderful. I can't wait!

25 April 1640

Kitty's quite excited to be in the wedding. We've never gone something like this before! The most formal thing we do are festivals in the village-never a wedding like this! It's going to be such a grand affair. Honestly, I'm very excited for the supper! It's going to be delicious. I've probably never had food like that before. I've always made my own food, so we mostly just eat normal food-commoner food. I've never had this fancy food before! I'm very excited!

Kurloz said he would surprise me with the menu, but he said he's sure I'll like it. He said the wedding cake will be stunning. I'm sure it will be. I'm quite thrilled! I always thought I'd plan my own wedding, but it's really quite fun letting him do the planning and trusting I'll enjoy it. I'm sure I will. He's always been right before when he's planned things for me, and I've always enjoyed it. My wedding, I'm sure, will be much the same.

28 April 1640

I can't believe I'm going to be married so soon! I just keep remembering it and feeling excited. I'm going to be married in just a little more than a month! I'm going to be a married woman, with children and my goodness-I'm going to be a duchess! I was going to be a lady, and then I was going to be a common woman all my life (which I was quite alright with), and now I'm going to be one of the most powerful duchesses in the kingdom!

It's all quite the adventure. I'm going to have the power my mother always wanted to use for good, and I'm going to use it to help people.

I'm actually quite excited to start my work as a duchess. I'm going to use the money I have to help people, train more people in medical work and set up programs for widows and orphans and anyone who needs help, really. I hope I can help open up university to more people, and-if I can-have government work to be more fair to the common people. People should have a voice in their government, and someone as wealthy as my darling should not pay the same taxes as someone poor as Damara's family.

There's much to do, but I'm excited to start.

1 May 1640

Rebecca's doing a bit better, but she isn't really feeling well. I have her on bedrest with just enough exercise to keep her from losing all strength, so she won't be weak or feeling weak when the time comes to give birth.

Luckily, she's been keeping down a bit more than just broth. I managed to feed her some proper soup, with some vegetables and meat. I've also been coaxing some nice sweet foods into her, with honey and even a little sugar. It's to get as much energy into her as possible, so she can keep up her bodyweight.

Since my mama took me in, I've had slightly more weight than I need, but not quite as much as I want. I've never had all I could want to eat, though, so I suppose I understand that. I have my mama's shape of body. (As well as her eyes and her hair and her face and much of her personality.)

Well, I'll sure I'll put on weight once I'm eating the best foods and have enough all the time. Kurloz says I'm lovely no matter what, but it would be nice to have a nicer body. And some weight will be good when it comes to being pregnant and giving birth.

I am rambling like mad! I'm just so excited and nervous and worked up all at once, and there's so much! I'm starting a whole new life in just a month, and while I've already done that once, my mama was there to help me. Now I'm doing it as an adult, of my own right. But then, my love will be there for me, and if he's with me, surely I can do just about anything!

6 May 1640

My dress is coming along swimmingly! It's going to be so lovely, and it's going to fit in a very flattering way. I modified the top to make my chest look better, a bit fuller and nicer overall. Kurloz says, when we are alone, that he very much likes my chest and I might show it off more. Well, for our wedding day, I will! I think the cut of skirt will flatter my hips, too, if I did it right, which I think I did.

Kitty's doing my embroidery, and she's doing a pattern of lovely morning glories and forget-me-nots, with little vines and leaves connecting them. She won't let me see until it's done, but she drew me a little sketch of what it'll be when it's done. It's going to be truly gorgeous!

Oh, I cannot wait to walk down the aisle. I'm sure I'll be shaking like mad, but it will be lovely!

10 May 1640

It's so soon! I can hardly believe it. I can't even sit still.

I've thought of myself for my most important years as a commoner. It's odd-people say it's birth, being a noble or royal, and by birth that's who I am. But I left that life and by upbringing, I'm a commoner. As far as anyone would ever know, I am common. I don't believe that my blood will come through me, because I don't think my blood means much, but I am terribly nervous of this and I just hope that whatever I learned as a child, what little of my first future I absorbed before I left, will help me.

Kurloz hasn't been over as often lately, and when he does come it's for a short time he seems so exhausted. I'm worried, but it's probably very stressful up in that castle. I keep offering my help with wedding planning, but he says he needs to do this, because I don't know the castle and its traditions as well, which is true. He said just to focus on my dress.

It's so soon!

13 May 1640

My sister is apparently feeling a similar mix of excitement and apprehension as the big day approaches, because she's been worrying at me over dinner about looking nice for the whole assembly and being on her own, even though I promised to visit as often as I could and write often.

I'm sure she'll be fine. She's a good hunter, and she's smart, and if she needs help she can always just write me. I've dealt with all matter of strange adult nonsense, money and men in the market and the rude apothecary's assistant who's forever trying to cheat me out of another pence. I'm sure I can help her.

17 May 1640

My dress is almost done! I've had a lot of time to work on the dress at home.

I hope I can make friends in the castle. I won't be able to come to the village as often, so I won't be as close to my old friends here. I want to have friends, of course, because I can't just have one relationship in my life! I'm sure there will be other women in the castle to be friends with. I'm told there's ladies-in-waiting for a duchess, but I want to be friends with them on my own terms, not just because that's their job. I will do my very, very best to be kind and genuine with everyone, as well as friendly, and hopefully that will win me a good friend or two.

I'm so thrilled I can hardly sleep. I just feel restless and silly, waiting on my wedding day.

22 May 1640

Just a little less than two weeks until I'm married! I haven't slept with my darling in a while, and I'm alright with that. It will make our wedding night special, like I always wanted. I was thinking idly of doing something romantic for him, but we'll be in his room, so I can't get candles or rose petals or anything. Best I can do is wear my nicest petticoat and that corset that pushes my breasts up.

Well, it will be fun! As it always is. And once we're married, we will more often, so we can have a baby together. Oh, a baby! I hope there's a midwife in the castle, because I do not trust my future children to some man who's a physician. I want a midwife to help me give birth.

My darling will understand. I'm the one giving birth! I'm the one risking my life to bring our little one into the world, and the one enduring nine months of pregnancy for my baby. I will be the one to make choices on such matters, of course.

Though he is very intelligent and well-educated, and he has claim to a formal education I don't. We'll talk things over, and come to decisions together, but when it comes down to the wire I think my vote must count for more.

25 May 1640

I really haven't been sleeping. I've been making myself the tea we have to sleep, and also the tea for nerves, and it has been helping. It's not nightmares-I'm just so excited I can hardly fall asleep! Button has been cross with me, of course, because I haven't been going to bed when she believes I should. She's always been a proponent of bedtime, since I was little. I do love my cat, too, and I think I will miss her. But she must stay with Kitty, both to mouse the house and to keep Kitty company.

I'll see her when I come back to visit, and I'm sure I will be as glad to see her as she will be to see me.

29 May 1640

It's in a week! I am bouncing off the walls. I finished my dress today, and I tried it on, and it looks lovely. Kitty smiled and told me I looked absolutely gorgeous, and I'd surely make Kurloz speechless. I hope so! I can't wait to see his face when I walk down the aisle. I hope he thinks I look beautiful!

I'm not at all sleeping well. I'm too excited!

2 June 1640

I feel as if I might shake myself to pieces. It's in three days and I think I might collapse before I get the chance to walk down the aisle! Kitty's been helping me out, because I can hardly think and Kurloz hasn't been by, and I just want to be married and get this over with! I can't wait to start my new life, to begin to write a new chapter in this story I'm living.

I'm going absolutely out of my mind! I can't wait.

5 June 1640

Today we were married! Oh my goodness, it was such a day. I planned to walk to the castle, but Kurloz sent a carriage Kitty and me! I've never ridden in one before. It was such fun! Once we were at the castle, a lady-in-waiting showed us the rooms to change, and said she would be in the back of the chapel to tell me when to walk. And my bouquet was lovely! It smelled delicious.

I waited in the back, and my sister went down first, and then I followed, and I was trembling like mad. Kurloz gasped when he saw me and smiled, and his cheeks went a little pink. But then I suddenly felt very aware that everyone else was dressed up fancier than me, everyone had the newest court fashion and I was wearing the peak of common style. I could feel them staring-especially his father. (Although that may be because I look just like my mother, and he was part of killing her rebellion.)

But once I was up with my darling and priest, all that melted away. I told him that I promised him all of my love for the rest of my life, and that I would always be there for him, and that I loved him. And he told me the same things, in different words. I was crying and trembling when I slipped his ring on his finger, and he had to hold my hand steady when he put on my ring because I was so shaky.

And the reception! What an affair! There was a huge sit-down dinner, with the fancy dishes and the richest food I've ever had, and a million people swarming us with questions and well-wishes and such. I felt almost overwhelmed, but my darling was sitting with me, so I was alright. My sister found the whole dinner thoroughly enjoyable, and said it was delicious.

Then there was some dancing, but the formal dances of the palace. I danced with Kurloz, really, because I didn't know anyone else but my sister, and he was smiling so big, it was adorable. I'm so happy! The music was lovely and the people were beautiful, in lovely dresses and suits, and it was just amazing.

I'm in my new room now, with my one parcel. I only packed a few things, because he said seamstresses could make all my clothes, so I only brought what I couldn't replace-a few of my favorite books, a few trinkets, my old toy cat, gifts from my darling. My mother's books are at home with Kitty if I need them. My new bed is large and soft as a cloud, more comfortable than anything I've ever slept on. I'm not sure I'll be able to focus on sleeping with him when the bed is so comfortable!

Kurloz thinks it's silly, but he couldn't understand why I love the bed so much. And, in addition, the stone walls make the whole place a bit chilly, so I can sleep with lots of lots of blankets, which I love. And maybe we can cuddle a little, which we normally don't, but I would like to. It's just that we've never had a night together! I know it's a bit silly, but I think it would make me feel very loved.

I best put this journal away, because my darling just called for me from the other room. We have rooms, plural! A bedroom each-nobility don't share a bed with their spouse, apparently-a study, a dressing room, and a bathroom. I'm in the study right now, sitting at the smaller desk. (The other desk is my darling's, because he has a million papers on his desk he's forever reading over and studying.)

Well, time to go enjoy my wedding night! I'll write again tomorrow.

7 June 1640

We had a bit of an argument today, because he told me I was underdressed for our wedding.

"My dear, I don't know these styles. I wish you'd told me what you wanted me to wear; I just sewed a dress I liked. I couldn't have known."

"You must know that we dress differently here," he said.

"I do," I said. "But I didn't know how, or what I could do to fit in. My darling, I am sorry to have embarrassed you. I didn't know. Next time if you tell me, I can fix it."

He rolled his eyes. "These things aren't hard to find out."

"They are if you're common!"

"You haven't been common your whole life," he said. "Surely you saw these styles when you were a child."

"I did, but I don't remember much. I was so hungry! I can't remember much of anything from then! You can't expect me to sew a dress I saw when I was eleven with no pattern!"

"Hey, hey, calm down," he said, placating. "You don't need to shout."

"I'm not shouting!" I said. "I-okay, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I could possibly have known what to wear, since you didn't tell me, and I had no way of knowing otherwise."

"I thought I wouldn't have to explain how to dress to you," he said. "Sorry." His tone was awfully sarcastic, even biting, but I thought it best not to argue. He probably feels embarrassed, and that can really throw someone for a loop. It's just a mood, and it will pass. I'm sure once the stress from the wedding wears off, we'll be back to normal.

11 June 1640

We've been sleeping together every night, and it's fantastic. It feels lovely and I've been sleeping very well, because I'm always properly exhausted! Soon I'm sure I'll be pregnant. I'm so excited! And my darling is too. He keeps saying how excited he is to have our son. I'm sure he'd be happy to have a daughter, but he does want a son. I want a daughter, so what can I say? It's politics.

In a few days the honeymoon time ends and I start with my political duties. I'm a bit nervous! I've never done something like this before. My darling says he'll help me every step of the way, and a lot of what I do is about visibility. He also said I'll have free time, to study or do what I please. I hope to study medicine and law, to better help the women and children it's my job to help. I don't completely trust some books on medicine, having been written by men, but I can use my judgement.

When I have time, I can also go into the village and keep doing the work I do. Rebecca's doing much better, but she hasn't had her baby yet, and I need to help her deliver.

15 June 1640

I went to court for the first time today. After many days of standing very still while a seamstress fitted me a new dress (it's purple, and the color isn't my favorite but she didn't have time to get new fabric in a color I like), today I saw the court and they saw me, more importantly. My darling has been doing this for ages, and so seemed quite bored, but I found it fascinating! There's so much ceremony and formality to the whole thing-who speaks and when, and what they say, and how they talk. They largely addressed the duke himself, who I still haven't much spoken to, and something his wife, and rarely my darling. His brother was conspicuously absent, but no one commented. No one commented on my presence, either, except that many of them were staring at me. I didn't mind much, really. It's probably just because I'm new, or because of the dress the seamstress, Verity, made me. It is gorgeous. I've never seen something so beautiful.

And today I met my ladies-in-waiting! It was very formal when we were introduced, but once the men were gone, I told them to please just call me by my first name. There's four of them-Katherine, Ellen, Grace, and Magdelena. They all have titles, but I don't remember them, and in private they told me they don't mind first names. I don't know if they're just saying that, though.

Before I forget, and so I remember their names and all: Katherine is tall and then with very dark hair and eyes-they're almost black. She's quiet, and introduced herself as an excellent seamstress, charged with maintaining the dresses Verity makes. Ellen is shorter, and rather plump and blonde, with light brown eyes, and a very rosy blush to her cheeks. She said she's talented in the fine arts and in sports, so she would love to paint or ride horses with me, because we have horses, naturally. Grace is a little taller than me, with very long, dark hair, and dark skin, and big dimples when she smiles. She said she's skilled in language and writing, so she could help me with correspondence and writing. I hope I can write to my friends! And Magdelena is short, with red hair and green eyes and freckles, and a wide smile. She said she could be helpful with keeping up with the politics, people and activities and such. I'll need her help!

Apparently I'll see them and be with them just about every day. I'm alright with that! They all seem like nice people, although Katherine was a bit snobbish about me being common (none of them know about my birth parents, of course). If I'm friendly and kind and treat them with respect, it'll go well, and we'll surely be friends.

19 June 1640

Kurloz and I haven't been able to be alone together so often, but every night we go to bed together and most often after we sleep together we talk some, about our days and our work and how we feel about it all. I admitted to him that I'm worried I won't measure up, and he told me he was sure I would. He told me he worries a lot about being the duke, rather than just the duke's eldest son, and it's going to happen soon enough.

Also, apparently I'm "borrowing" Katherine and Ellen and Grace and Magdelena from the duchess herself, because she feels I might be unprepared otherwise. I can't tell if that's an insult or a kindness. I'd have to talk to her in person to be sure.

On that note, in a few days comes the first dinner with just Kurloz and his family. So it'll be the duke, the duchess, Kurloz and me, and Kurloz's brother Gamzee (an odd fellow to say the least). I'm a little nervous, but I think it'll turn out alright.

And I got a letter today, from Kitty. She asked how I am, how married life is, how life in the castle is, and when I can come visit. I'll write her back tonight. I'm not sure when I'll be able to visit, because I'm so busy, but I can certainly write.

22 June 1640

The dinner was today, and it went decently well, I think. The food was good, of course, and I had a conversation with Kurloz's father's wife, who seemed kind. I think she sent me the ladies out of kindness rather than condescension. She also seemed quite bright, despite what Kurloz seems to think of her. Unless she's just very good at appearing intelligent and isn't, really, and I'll find out later that she's dim.

His brother was a bit out of it for the whole meal. He just stared off into space and occasionally commented on something someone said, or just on nothing at all. His father seemed annoyed.

Incidentally. If his father recognizes me because of how much I look like my mother, he's made no indication. He doesn't seem to have any trouble with the fact that I'm a commoner, though, so perhaps he does recognize me and holds some odd affection for my mother. I hope not. I find that almost unbearably strange, that he'd claim they were ever even friends. My mother never talked much about the duke, or the queen, or anyone in power, really, but when she did I could tell she hated him.

Kurloz later complained about his father's wife, and I'm beginning to suspect he doesn't like her because his mother passed. I imagine many people don't get along so well with their stepmothers, and he's no exception. He is only human, after all!

26 June 1640

Things have been mad around here, but I finally had the chance to go see Kitty, instead of just writing her every day. I told my ladies and then walked to my old house to see my sister methodically chopping vegetables for a stew.

"Kitty!" I said, and I ran to her.

"Meulin!" she said, her face breaking into a huge grin. "I'm so happy you're here!"

"Me too!" I said, taking her hands. "How have you been? Alright?"

"Yes, I've been alright," she said. "I've missed you!"

"I've missed you too," I said. "Oh, Nepeta, the castle is absolutely mad! I've been running around everywhere, trying to do a million things at once. And the dresses! I have never worn a skirt so incredibly difficult to sit in, or a bodice half so tight!"

"That's mad," she said. "How do you manage?"

"My darling helps me," I said. "And I have ladies-in-waiting, which is quite the adventure."

"Are they your friends?"

"Sort of," I said. "They will be, but we can't just be friends right now. You know how it is."

"Well, are they nice, at least?"

"Yes," I said. "For the most part. I'm too common for Katherine, apparently! You should've seen the look on her face when I told her my mother was the midwife. They think midwives are witches, don't you know?"

"That's because you are a witch," she said with a soft smile. I was a witch sometimes in our pretend games, and then when I started doing the work I do we joked about it.

"Oh, silly," I said. "How are things? How are your friends?"

"Equius is good," she said. "He's going to go to university and study building! He said I can come visit him. I'm excited to see it! It's going to be the most amazing thing ever. Um, Terezi has been saving up her money, and she says she wants to do like her aunt did and go to school to be a lawyer. Tavros is working on a cow farm now. He loves it, because he gets to work with animals instead of people. Kanaya's aunt is doing alright, and she still comes to read sometimes. I've been doing some of your work, like sewing up cuts and things. So I can help you out when you're not here."

"That's good to hear," I said. "It is good to know the village won't fall apart without me."

"And how is your married life?" she asked, teasing a bit.

"Oh, very good," I said. "Very good. I mean, we, um…we're together every night."

"In bed?" she asked cheekily.

I went quite pink and said, "Yes. It's nice! Nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm teasing you," she said.

"I know," I said. "Oh, I can't stay too long. I have to go to the village to do my work, and Rebecca needs to be ready to give birth…And I best tell Kanaya she ought to start taking over for me. If she still wants to, of course."

"Taking over? But Meulin, you actually like being the midwife."

"I love it, but I just don't have enough time to do all the work I need to. It'll be good to have someone else to help me."

She nodded. "I will not, anyways."

"We always knew that!" I teased. It's true-Kitty never wanted to do my mother's work. It's twofold, apparently-she hates to see people sick and suffering, whether she can help them or not; and she finds the pus and vomit nonsense disgusting. (I do too, honestly, but I find it less revolting and it doesn't make me shiver all over and want to vomit myself. Blood, though, bothers me more than her.)

Speaking of, I went to see Rebecca, and started helping her with her breathing and exercises so she can be ready to give birth. I also told her about pushing and everything, and I told her I will know and tell her when to push. I'm in the castle these days, so I told her to send a messenger to the castle and ask for me using the word "olive", because it's unusual enough that I can tell guards and such to watch for it in messages, and send all such messages to me immediately.

And then I went to see Kanaya, and I told her how I want to start training her. I will teach her everything I know, as well as how to read and write, and she can help me out-perhaps as a partner, even. And when we two have children (if she has children-Nepeta reports she's been seeing Rose, and those two can't conceive together, I don't think), we'll pass it all on to them.

I returned home a bit late, but in plenty of time to dress and go to supper. Kurloz shot me an odd look, but I was on time, so I'm not sure what it was about. Anyways, eating with his family can be awfully worrisome. His brother is off in his own world, and his father is a huge man with a loud voice and firm opinions-so a bit frightening and sometimes stressful to be around. His father's wife is a nice enough woman, but she doesn't speak much. At least I have my darling to talk to.

27 June 1640

Kurloz and I had an argument today.

"Where were you yesterday?"

"There was no court or chapel, so I went to see my sister and some of my patients in the village. I told you the day before, remember?"

"You never told me," he said.

"I'm sure I did," I said, but I wasn't quite sure. I thought I told him, but maybe I didn't?

"You definitely didn't," he said. "I need to know where you are, darling. I was worried!"

"I'll tell you next time, for sure," I promised. "I'll remember."

"Please do," he said. "Or you'll worry me."

"I will," I said. "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to worry you."

He nodded and leaned back in his chair (we were in the study), and said, "I might read a bit before bed."

"I think I will too."

"That sounds nice," he said. "I'll read in the bedroom. Shall I call you to bed?"

"Sure," I said. Since I don't have to wake up at any particular time (I can hardly believe it!), he tends to decide when we go to sleep. I don't mind. Even if I'm not tired after we're done, which is rare, I can just read by candlelight once he's asleep, since we have as many candles as we want here.

I've mentioned it once or twice, but Kurloz doesn't like to cuddle, really. I told him not the whole night, because I do have my own bed, but right after we're done in bed I'd just like a little closeness. But he said he's always too hot and he doesn't like it. Goodness knows hugging him can be like hugging a lit fire, so I can hardly begrudge him that.

Oh well. I know he loves me. I can't demand anything of him-it's his body, and if he doesn't want to use it to cuddle with me, so be it.

30 June 1640

My darling was so kind today! He woke me up with flowers and gave me the biggest kiss, and said he had a surprise for me. It turns out he made me the most delicious pudding for after dinner, and then he and I danced all around our room, and in bed he was so soft and sweet. It felt amazing, and it was just so nice.

I should do something for him! Now that I have the money, and the shock has worn off, I should do something wonderful and kind for him. I'm not sure what, yet, but something!