2 June 1640
I feel as if I might shake myself to pieces. It's in three days and I think I might collapse before I get the chance to walk down the aisle! Kitty's been helping me out, because I can hardly think and Kurloz hasn't been by, and I just want to be married and get this over with! I can't wait to start my new life, to begin to write a new chapter in this story I'm living.
I'm going absolutely out of my mind! I can't wait.
5 June 1640
Today we were married! Oh my goodness, it was such a day. I planned to walk to the castle, but Kurloz sent a carriage Kitty and me! I've never ridden in one before. It was such fun! Once we were at the castle, a lady-in-waiting showed us the rooms to change, then helped us with our corsets, and then said she would be in the back of the chapel to tell me when to walk. And my bouquet was lovely! It smelled delicious.
I waited in the back, and my sister went down first, and then I followed, and I was trembling like mad. Kurloz gasped when he saw me and smiled, and his cheeks went a little pink. But then I suddenly felt very aware that everyone else was dressed up fancier than me, everyone had the newest court fashion and I was wearing the peak of common style. I could feel them staring-especially his father. (Although that may be because I look just like my mother, and he was part of killing her rebellion.)
But once I was up with my darling and priest, all that melted away. I told him that I promised him all of my love for the rest of my life, and that I would always be there for him, and that I loved him. And he told me the same things, in different words. I was crying and trembling when I slipped his ring on his finger, and he had to hold my hand steady when he put on my ring because I was so shaky.
And the reception! What an affair! There was a huge sit-down dinner, with the fancy dishes and the richest food I've ever had, and a million people swarming us with questions and well-wishes and such. I felt almost overwhelmed, but my darling was sitting with me, so I was alright. My sister found the whole dinner thoroughly enjoyable, and said the food was delicious.
Then there was some dancing, but the formal dances of the palace. I danced with Kurloz, really, because I didn't know anyone else but my sister and a few of my noble friends through him, and he was smiling so big, it was adorable. I'm so happy! The music was lovely and the people were beautiful, in lovely dresses and suits, and it was just amazing. I did get to meet many of the new people I'll be seeing every day, and they were fun to talk to. I'm sure we'll get along famously.
I'm in my new room now, with my one parcel. I only packed a few things, because he said seamstresses could make all my clothes, so I only brought what I couldn't replace-a few of my favorite books, a few trinkets, my old toy cat, gifts from my darling. My mother's books are at home with Kitty if I need them. My new bed is large and soft as a cloud, more comfortable than anything I've ever slept on. I'm not sure I'll be able to focus on sleeping with him when the bed is so comfortable!
Kurloz thinks it's silly, but he couldn't understand why I love the bed so much. And, in addition, the stone walls make the whole place a bit chilly, so I can sleep with lots of lots of blankets, which I love. And maybe we can cuddle a little, which we normally don't, but I would like to. It's just that we've never had a night together! I know it's a bit silly, but I think it would make me feel very loved.
I best put this journal away, because my darling just called for me from the other room. We have rooms, plural! A bedroom each-nobility don't share a bed with their spouse, apparently-a receiving room, a study, a dressing room, and a bathroom (a bathroom, my goodness). I'm in the study right now, sitting at the smaller desk. (The other desk is my darling's, because he has a million papers on his desk he's forever reading over and studying.)
Well, time to go enjoy my wedding night! I'll write again tomorrow.
7 June 1640
We had a bit of an argument today, because he told me I was underdressed for our wedding.
"My dear, I don't know these styles. I wish you'd told me what you wanted me to wear; I just sewed a dress I liked. I couldn't have known."
"You must know that we dress differently here," he said.
"I do," I said. "But I didn't know how, or what I could do to fit in. My darling, I am sorry to have embarrassed you. I didn't know. Next time if you tell me, I can fix it."
He rolled his eyes. "These things aren't hard to find out."
"They are if you're common!"
"You haven't been common your whole life," he said. "Surely you saw these styles when you were a child."
"I did, but I don't remember much. I was so hungry! I can't remember much of anything from then! You can't expect me to sew a dress I saw when I was eleven with no pattern!"
"Hey, hey, calm down," he said, placating. "You don't need to shout. That's not what I meant."
"I'm not shouting!" I said. "I-okay, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I could possibly have known what to wear, since you didn't tell me, and I had no way of knowing otherwise."
"I thought I wouldn't have to explain how to dress to you," he said. "Sorry." His tone was awfully sarcastic, even biting, but I thought it best not to argue. He probably feels embarrassed, and that can really throw someone for a loop. It's just a mood, and it will pass. I'm sure once the stress from the wedding wears off, we'll be back to normal.
11 June 1640
We've been sleeping together every night, and it's fantastic. It feels lovely and I've been sleeping very well, because I'm always properly exhausted! Soon I'm sure I'll be pregnant. I'm so excited! And my darling is too. He keeps saying how excited he is to have our son. I know he'd be happy to have a daughter, but he does want a son. I want a daughter, so what can I say? It's politics. We must have at least one son.
In a few days the honeymoon time ends and I start with my political duties. I'm a bit nervous! I've never done something like this before. My darling says he'll help me every step of the way, and a lot of what I do is about visibility. He also said I'll have free time, to study or do what I please. I hope to study medicine and law, to better help the women and children it's my job to help. I don't completely trust some books on medicine, having been written by men, but I can use my judgement.
When I have time, I can also go into the village and keep doing the work I do. Rebecca's doing much better, but she hasn't had her baby yet, and I need to help her deliver.
15 June 1640
I went to court for the first time today. After many days of standing very still while a seamstress fitted me a new dress (it's a plum purple, and the color isn't my favorite but she didn't have time to get new fabric in a color I like), today I saw the court and they saw me, more importantly. My darling has been doing this for ages, and so seemed quite bored, but I found it fascinating! There's so much ceremony and formality to the whole thing-who speaks and when, and what they say, and how they talk. They largely addressed the duke himself, who I still haven't much spoken to, and something his wife, and rarely my darling. His brother was conspicuously absent, but no one commented. No one commented on my presence, either, except that many of them were staring at me. I didn't mind much, really. It's probably just because I'm new, or because of the dress the seamstress, Verity, made me. It is gorgeous. I've never seen something so beautiful.
And today I met my ladies-in-waiting! It was very formal when we were introduced, but once the men were gone, I told them to please just call me by my first name. There's four of them-Katherine, Ellen, Grace, and Magdelena. They all have titles, but I don't remember them, and in private they told me they don't mind first names. I don't know if they're just saying that, though.
Before I forget, and so I remember their names and all: Katherine is tall and then with very dark hair and eyes-they're almost black. She's quiet, and introduced herself as an excellent seamstress, charged with maintaining the dresses Verity makes. Ellen is shorter, and rather plump and blonde, with light brown eyes, and a very rosy blush to her cheeks. She said she's talented in the fine arts and in sports, so she would love to paint or ride horses with me, because we have horses, naturally. Grace is a little taller than me, with very long, dark hair, and dark skin, and big dimples when she smiles. She said she's skilled in language and writing, so she could help me with correspondence and writing. I hope I can write to my friends! And Magdelena is short, with red hair and green eyes and freckles, and a wide smile. She said she could be helpful with keeping up with the politics, people and activities and such. I'll need her help!
Apparently I'll see them and be with them just about every day. I'm alright with that! They all seem like nice people, although Katherine was a bit snobbish about me being common (none of them know about my birth parents, of course). If I'm friendly and kind and treat them with respect, it'll go well, and we'll surely be friends.
19 June 1640
Kurloz and I haven't been able to be alone together so often, but every night we go to bed together and most often after we sleep together we talk some, about our days and our work and how we feel about it all. I admitted to him that I'm worried I won't measure up, and he told me he was sure I would. He told me he worries a lot about being the duke, rather than just the duke's eldest son, and it's going to happen soon enough.
Also, apparently I'm "borrowing" Katherine and Ellen and Grace and Magdelena from the duchess herself, because she feels I might be unprepared otherwise. I can't tell if that's an insult or a kindness. I'd have to talk to her in person to be sure.
On that note, in a few days comes the first dinner with just Kurloz and his family. So it'll be the duke, the duchess, Kurloz and me, and Kurloz's brother Gamzee (an odd fellow to say the least). I'm a little nervous, but I think it'll turn out alright.
And I got a letter today, from Kitty. She asked how I am, how married life is, how life in the castle is, and when I can come visit. I'll write her back tonight. I'm not sure when I'll be able to visit, because I'm so busy, but I can certainly write.
22 June 1640
The dinner was today, and it went decently well, I think. The food was good, of course, and I had a conversation with Kurloz's father's wife, who seemed kind. I think she sent me the ladies out of kindness rather than condescension. She also seemed quite bright, despite what Kurloz seems to think of her. Unless she's just very good at appearing intelligent and isn't, really, and I'll find out later that she's dim.
His brother was a bit…off for the whole meal. He just stared off into space and occasionally commented on something someone said, or just on nothing at all. His father seemed annoyed.
Incidentally. If his father recognizes me because of how much I look like my mother, he's made no indication. He doesn't seem to have any trouble with the fact that I'm a commoner, though, so perhaps he does recognize me and holds some odd affection for my mother. I hope not. I find that almost unbearably strange, that he'd claim they were ever even friends. My mother never talked much about the duke, or the queen, or anyone in power, really, but when she did I could tell she hated him.
Kurloz later complained about his father's wife, and I'm beginning to suspect he doesn't like her because his mother passed. I imagine many people don't get along so well with their stepmothers, and he's no exception. He is only human, after all!
26 June 1640
Things have been mad around here, but I finally had the chance to go see Kitty, instead of just writing her every day. I told my ladies and then walked to my old house to see my sister methodically chopping vegetables for a stew.
"Kitty!" I said, and I ran to her.
"Meulin!" she said, her face breaking into a huge grin. "I'm so happy you're here!"
"Me too!" I said, taking her hands. "How have you been? Alright?"
"Yes, I've been alright," she said. "I've missed you!"
"I've missed you too," I said. "Oh, Nepeta, the castle is absolutely mad! I've been running around everywhere, trying to do a million things at once. And the dresses! I have never worn a skirt so incredibly difficult to sit in, or a bodice half so tight!"
"That's mad," she said. "How do you manage?"
"My darling helps me," I said. "And I have ladies-in-waiting, which is quite the adventure."
"Are they your friends?"
"Sort of," I said. "They will be, but we can't just be friends right now. You know how it is."
"Well, are they nice, at least?"
"Yes," I said. "For the most part. I'm too common for Katherine, apparently! You should've seen the look on her face when I told her my mother was the midwife. They think midwives are witches, don't you know?"
"That's because you are a witch," she said with a soft smile. I was a witch sometimes in our pretend games, and then when I started doing the work I do we joked about it.
"Oh, silly," I said. "How are things? How are your friends?"
"Equius is good," she said. "He's going to go to university and study building! He said I can come visit him. I'm excited to see it! It's going to be the most amazing thing ever. Um, Terezi has been saving up her money, and she says she wants to do like her aunt did and go to school to be a lawyer. Tavros is working more on the cow farm now. He loves it, because he gets to work with animals instead of people. Kanaya's aunt is doing alright, and we read together sometimes. I've been doing some of your work, like sewing up cuts and things. So I can help you out when you're not here."
"That's good to hear," I said. "It is good to know the village won't fall apart without me."
"And how is your married life?" she asked, teasing a bit.
"Oh, very good," I said. "Very good. I mean, we, um…we're together every night."
"In bed?" she asked cheekily.
I went quite pink and said, "Yes. It's nice! Nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'm teasing you," she said.
"I know," I said. "Oh, I can't stay too long. I have to go to the village to do my work, and Rebecca needs to be ready to give birth…And I best tell Kanaya she ought to start taking over for me. If she still wants to, of course."
"Taking over? But Meulin, you actually like being the midwife."
"I love it, but I just don't have enough time to do all the work I need to. It'll be good to have someone else to help me."
She nodded. "I will not, anyways."
"We always knew that!" I teased. It's true-Kitty never wanted to do my mother's work. It's twofold, apparently-she hates to see people sick and suffering, whether she can help them or not; and she finds the pus and vomit nonsense disgusting. (I do too, honestly, but I find it less revolting and it doesn't make me shiver all over and want to vomit myself. Blood, though, bothers me more than her.)
Speaking of, I went to see Rebecca, and started helping her with her breathing and exercises so she can be ready to give birth. I also told her about pushing and everything, and I told her I will know and tell her when to push. I'm in the castle these days, so I told her to send a messenger to the castle and ask for me using the word "olive", because it's unusual enough that I can tell guards and such to watch for it in messages, and send all such messages to me immediately.
And then I went to see Kanaya, and I told her how I want to start training her. I will teach her everything I know, as well as how to read and write, and she can help me out-perhaps as a partner, even. And when we two have children (if she has children-Nepeta reports she's been seeing Rose, and those two can't conceive together, I don't think), we'll pass it all on to them.
I returned home a bit late, but in plenty of time to dress and go to supper. Kurloz shot me an odd look, but I was on time, so I'm not sure what it was about. Anyways, eating with his family can be awfully worrisome. His brother is off in his own world, and his father is a huge man with a loud voice and firm opinions-so a bit frightening and sometimes stressful to be around. His father's wife is a nice enough woman, but she doesn't speak much. At least I have my darling to talk to.
27 June 1640
Kurloz and I had an argument today.
"Where were you yesterday?"
"There was no court or chapel, so I went to see my sister and some of my patients in the village. I told you the day before, remember?"
"You never told me," he said.
"I'm sure I did," I said, but I wasn't quite sure. I thought I told him, but maybe I didn't?
"You definitely didn't," he said. "I need to know where you are, darling. I was worried!"
"I'll tell you next time, for sure," I promised. "I'll remember."
"Please do," he said. "Or you'll worry me."
"I will," I said. "I'm sorry, darling. I didn't mean to worry you."
He nodded and leaned back in his chair (we were in the study), and said, "I might read a bit before bed."
"I think I will too."
"That sounds nice," he said. "I'll read in the bedroom. Shall I call you to bed?"
"Sure," I said. Since I don't have to wake up at any particular time (I can hardly believe it!), he tends to decide when we go to sleep. I don't mind. Even if I'm not tired after we're done, which is rare, I can just read by candlelight once he's asleep, since we have as many candles as we want here.
I've mentioned it once or twice, but Kurloz doesn't like to cuddle, really. I told him not the whole night, because I do have my own bed, but right after we're done in bed I'd just like a little closeness. But he said he's always too hot and he doesn't like it. Goodness knows hugging him can be like hugging a lit fire, so I can hardly begrudge him that.
Oh well. I know he loves me. I can't demand anything of him-it's his body, and if he doesn't want to use it to cuddle with me, so be it.
30 June 1640
My darling was so kind today! He woke me up with flowers and gave me the biggest kiss, and said he had a surprise for me. It turns out he made me the most delicious pudding for after dinner, and then he and I danced all around our room, and in bed he was so soft and sweet. It felt amazing, and it was just so nice.
I should do something for him! Now that I have the money, and the shock has worn off, I should do something wonderful and kind for him. I'm not sure what, yet, but something!
2 July 1640
I have an idea-I'll cook him a nice dinner and dessert, and we'll eat together, and then I'll give him some nice, matching cufflinks and ring. It's probably the most expensive thing I've ever bought or ever will buy, but it will look lovely. And then we'll have our night together, like always!
They hold court most every day but Sunday, and chapel early on Sunday, so I just need a day when court ends early and I have time to cook. Maybe I'll ask Ellen to help me! She said she's good with arts and such.
I have been trying to talk to my ladies every day. Magdelena keeps me up-to-date on all court happenings, and so I talk with her for at least a half-hour every day, usually in the afternoon over cups of tea. Grace is helping me learn more languages, and she and I will write little poems and short pieces and share them with each other. With Ellen, most times in the afternoon we will paint together. Once I get better at managing my time, I'll go horseback riding with her. She's a brilliant painter! I'm trying my hardest to learn from her. And with Katherine, since I've always sewn my own clothes, I help her work on my dresses and we talk about sewing and embroidery.
I'm slowly making friends with them. Grace is by far the kindest, the easiest to feel I can trust, and Magdelena the friendliest. Ellen is quiet but just a perfect teacher, helping me out because she knows I've never done this before but never condescending. Katherine is a bit closed off, but she smiles more genuinely now than she did before. In time, I think I can win her over. I'm good at that. I was kind to Kurloz and talked to him a little every day until he felt comfortable enough with me to talk about why he can be so shy! It's easy, he says, for him to feel like people are using him for his power, so he was afraid to get close to common people. But he said after so long of me just being kind and friendly, he supposed perhaps I did just want to be his friend. I did! He's a kind, sweet, handsome man, and I love him.
I'll pick a day when court ends early, and I can get myself down to the kitchen. I hope a chef will allow me a stove and oven to work with! I want to do it myself.
6 July 1640
I finally had my chance today! I went down to the kitchen right after court, telling my love I had some work to do, and went down to the kitchen. I asked a chef if I could borrow some cooking supplies for an hour or two, and he looked surprised but agreed. I told him I'd be sure to keep his oven neat and clean, and he laughed a little to himself but left. So I made some of my best food, and then organized it all nice on two plates and brought it up to our rooms, and I also wrapped up his gift.
When he came back to our room, he immediately shed his coat and said, "What a day!"
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I am going to kill that Lord Reginald," he said with an exasperated sigh. "He is offering my father the worst advice, and then saying it's because he has the kingdom's best interests at heart. What an ass. And he thinks he's better than the rest of us, just because he's older. He's going to drive me mad. What's all this?"
"I made you dinner," I said. "And I got you something."
"Oh," he said. "It looks nice."
"Thanks," I said. "I cooked it all myself. I hoped you'd like it."
"Shall we eat?" he asked.
"Alright," I said.
So we sat down at the table in our main room and ate together, and talked about our days. He complained about his father's advisors, who are apparently that kind of old person who never learned how to think a new way. I just talked some about the kitchen in the castle, which is huge and so fancy! I've never cooked somewhere so fancy.
"And what's this?" he asked with a sweet smile.
"A gift," I said coyly.
"Oh?" he said, and he opened the box. "These are very pretty, Meulin. Thank you." His voice was soft and sincere, and very sweet.
"I'm glad you like them," I said. "I've never had much money for something like this before, and I wanted to find you something amazing."
"I appreciate it," he said. "But you don't have to do anything now. We're married."
"I know," I said. "But you've always done such kind things for me, and I wanted to return the favor. I love you."
"Well, alright," he said. "I appreciate it. I do love these. They'll go very nicely with my favorite suit."
I smiled. "Good."
"Has Verity finished your clothes?"
"No," I said. "It'll take longer than just a month. But I do have more than one dress, and plenty enough underthings. She said she'd make some in green for me-it's my favorite color!"
"Green? Why? Purple is much better on you."
"Green brings out my eyes. My mother always said. Anyways, it's my favorite color!"
"Well, at least have her do some in purple," he said. "I love how it looks on you."
"Alright," I said. "I don't mind purple!"
"How about that one with the silver trim?" he asked. "It looks very nice on you, but it's not too revealing. You should wear it more often!"
"I suppose," I said. "I'm not sure what these dresses are supposed to flatter or reveal!"
"Well, you know, since we're married, we can't go showing ourselves off to anyone we like. Our bodies are for each other. That's all I mean. I wouldn't go around without my shirt on or anything. You look lovely," he added, reassuring. He's a always been a little more conservative in his dress than me; I suspect it's because he's always had to be more concerned with image than me. I'll have to start caring about my image too.
"Alright, fair enough," I said. "I'm sure Verity wouldn't sew me anything immodest."
"She wouldn't," he agreed. "She's a good seamstress."
We didn't talk about anything important after that. I suppose he is right-I'm a married woman. I've promised my heart and my body to my darling. It isn't for anyone else to look at. So I'll dress modestly, or at least ask Verity for modest dress! She surely knows what she's doing, and wouldn't sew me something wrong to wear. She's at least forty, so she must know what she's doing.
And Katherine, once we're closer, can probably keep me up to date on the fashions, so I can stay abreast of all that.
11 July 1640
I love these stone walls when it's summer and boiling hot. They keep us cool when it's so hot and unpleasant outside. I wish I could go swimming! I love swimming. I have since my mama taught me how. Maybe I'll go see Kitty again and go swimming! Anyways, Rebecca must be almost nine months by now. It'll be good to see her and check on her, to make sure she's alright. Not to mention my other dozens of patients, and Kanaya! Oh, I've so much to do.
I will tell Kurloz this time, so he doesn't worry.
14 July 1640
I told my darling where I would be and went to see Kitty again. It was such fun! We talked about our friends and people in the village, and we had tea together, and she made me the best lunch. She's the best! I'm so glad she's my sister.
I went to see Rebecca too, and she is getting on. But she promised to send for me the second she went into labor, and I promised her I'd be there as fast as I could. I've been practicing on a horse, so I might even be able to ride there. I also saw some of my other usuals, and found out another two women were pregnant and so went to attend to them. And then I found Kanaya and kept teaching her, and told her to go to the two women (Alice and Margerie) and help them out as practice. I told them an apprentice (sort of) of mine would be stopping by to help them when I couldn't, and I was teaching her everything, so they had nothing to fear.
People trust the midwife-well, women do, and children, and sometimes men. So the trick is to help people trust Kanaya, too, as they trust me. They didn't used to trust me, because I was just my mother's apprentice, but I've proved myself. Now Kanaya needs to prove herself.
18 July 1640
It's been more than a month, but I'm not pregnant yet. I'm a bit confused. I had my bleeding today, so I couldn't be pregnant. But we've been sleeping with each other every night, and (at risk of giving away too much), I'm fairly certain we're both enjoying ourselves immensely. So I'm not sure. My mother doesn't have notes in her book about how long it takes to be pregnant!
Maybe I'll ask some of the women in the village. It will make it clear to them that I am young and relatively inexperienced but it will also help me, and I am young and relatively inexperienced.
21 July 1640
Because I can't find the time to go into the village, I finally gave in and asked Grace. She's the nicest one, and the one I'm closest to. And the least likely to make fun of me.
"Grace, may I ask you a question?"
"Of course, Meulin." Also the one most comfortable with just calling me Meulin.
"It's a bit personal, and you don't need to answer. Do you know how long it takes after you're married to become pregnant?"
She glanced down at her pen and said, "I'm not sure. As I understand it, you could become pregnant your wedding night, or it might take several months."
"Thank you," I said.
She frowned, and her forehead creased. "You're welcome?"
"You've soothed my nerves," I said, feeling silly for having asked. "My darling and I have wanted children for a long time. It's only been a month, but I was a bit worried."
"Well, you needn't worry," she said. "You have plenty of time. You're both young."
"Yes, I suppose we are," I said. "What about you? Is there anyone?"
"Missus-Meulin, I can't imagine you wish to know of my personal life."
"It's alright if you don't want to tell me. But I am curious! I like hearing about these kinds of things."
She looked down at her pen again and tightened her shoulders. "There's no one, Meulin."
"Alright," I said. Obviously there is, but no need to press her if she's not comfortable telling me. She isn't comfortable calling me by my first name! Considering how people around here get awfully hung up on protocol and procedure, I can't imagine just a month would be enough for her to feel comfortable with me.
24 July 1640
I'm starting to understand why Kurloz doesn't like court. It can be unbearably dull, now that the novelty's worn off. I could care less about Lord What's-His-Name of Somewhere's problems with his knights. It's interesting sometimes-I am only human, and may be permitted to enjoy some gossip from time to time-but other times I can hardly stay awake.
Kurloz and I laugh about it when we're lying in bed together and everyone else is asleep. I know I have my own bed (our rooms are right next to each other, but distinct rooms), but it's much nicer to sleep in his. Sometimes I catch his eye when a particularly boring fellow is speaking and we both giggle a little. It's very nice.
He's so sweet. He knows I'm not used to this and so he sometimes teaches me in the evenings how all this works. He's very patient with me, which I appreciate. I really only know about being the midwife, and even not much of that! He has formal education and everything. I'm glad he has the patience to teach me.
It's late now, and high time I went to his room. His bed is a little bigger than mine, so we usually spend time together there. I do wish he'd cuddle me more afterwards, though. Well, to each their own and all that.
1 August 1640
It's still strange to me, having leisure time. I've had time before in the evenings to read and talk with my sister and my mother, but never just this free time where I can learn such skills as harpsichord and painting. Painting! My goodness, it is a challenge. Ellen is teaching me, but I'm not very good yet. She's been patient, thankfully, since I wasn't educated this way growing up. The other three have, too. I don't know where I'd be without them!
I know it was more difficult for Kurloz to choose to marry me than to pick at least a gentlewoman with some education, but his patience with me is incredible and I'm not about to stop now! I've been learning my entire life. I want to keep learning for the rest of it!
2 August 1640
My sister's birthday is in a few days! I'm going to get her the most beautiful necklace I can find. She loves necklaces. I want to give her something nice for all the years we didn't have much. The year after our mother passed, we hardly had enough to eat, much less give each other gifts. I'm going to put things right and give her something she'll love.
The castle is practically its own village. I'll buy something tomorrow or the next day, whenever I have the time.
5 August 1640
Today was Kitty's birthday! I told my love where I was going in the morning, left him a note on his desk, and went to see her with a little emerald pendant on a silver chain wrapped up in a nice box, with a ribbon and everything. It's the most beautiful present I've ever given.
I knocked on the door and Kitty opened it, and when she did her face split into that grin I love so much. "Linny!"
"Happy birthday, Kitty! You're so old," I teased. We went inside to sit at the table, and then I said, "This is for you."
She took it and looked at the package, then said, "Can I open it?"
"Please do!"
She did, and when she saw the necklace her jaw dropped. "Oh my goodness, Meulin. It's beautiful. I'm going to wear it every day!"
"I'm so glad you like it. It's so strange having money! I can just…buy things. We have more food than we could ever eat and plenty of clothes, and my love can give me such lovely gifts…I wish I could bring you with me! It's amazing."
"Maybe I should marry a rich man, too."
"If you love him, you should."
"You always talk about loving him," she said. "But…I don't know. It seems like…it seems like no one loves me. Maybe no one ever will."
"Nepeta, don't say that," I said, shocked. "I-what happened?"
"Today? Nothing in particular."
"I mean, why are you saying this? You're wonderful. You're my sister. I love you so much! More than anything."
"I don't know," she said, a little bit melancholy. "It seems like none of my friends really like me. I thought they did, because they're always nice to me, but a few days ago Karkat got really mad and told me that no one really like me, they just put up with me." Her eyes filled up with tears and I wanted to fix everything but I couldn't.
"That's absolutely not true," I said. "Equius-he loves you. And so do Aradia, and Kanaya, and Terezi, and Tavros, and Feferi! And all the others in the village."
"How do I know that?" she said, so tired. "How can I know that they're not all lying like Karkat did?"
"You can see how they act," I said. "They must act like they love you."
"Easy for you to say," she said. "You can tell these things. I don't know if they love me or if they're just pretending until I give up and leave them alone. I don't know." She sounded so lost.
"Kitty," I said. "You can always ask them."
"People don't do that," she said.
"Then don't do what people do," I said. "You never have. You're your own person. That's part of what makes you amazing. Anyone who doesn't appreciate that doesn't deserve to be your friend."
"I love you, Linny," Nepeta said.
"I love you too, Kitty."
She put on the necklace and took my hand.
"I will always love you," I said. "No matter what happens."
"And I will always love you," she said back.
We had lunch together and then I went home.
She deserves so much from this world. I know her friends don't hate her because I've seen how they act around her. Equius loves her, certainly, and so do the others I mentioned. It's not her fault Karkat can be cruel. And he can be! I'll give him a piece of my mind next time I see him. He has no right to be saying those things to my sister.
10 August 1640
I find I can write less often as I have less time alone. I have more time when I don't have to be hunting or tending the garden or working, but then I'm with my ladies or my love. He doesn't mind when I write here, although he doesn't understand it, but I'd still rather be talking with him than writing here.
I need to make time to see Kitty soon. It's only been a few days, but I'm used to seeing her every day. I miss her.
13 August 1640
My love is worried about me. He told me today he noticed I was looking pale and tired, and asked if I wanted to see the physician. I told him no, and not to worry, but I'm not sure. He might be right to worry! I have been worrying a good deal lately. There's so much I don't know. I have responsibilities in managing the household and decorating and entertaining that I'll need to take on more and more as time goes on. The duke is hosting some other important fellow from somewhere north of here (as if that's not half the country) in a couple weeks, and I have to be hostess with my new mother-in-law.
I suppose I best find her. Now that the newness has worn off, I'm expected to perform my duties as…as whatever my position is. Since my love's title is honorary, I'm not sure what title exactly I have. I know when his father dies I'll be the duchess, but I'm not sure what I am now.
Well, off to find my mother-in-law. I only hope she's not with her husband. I wouldn't tell my husband, but I find his father very intimidating.
15 August 1640
I told my love where I was going and left the castle for the village. I stopped by to see some of my patients, and then I went to my old home.
"Kitty, it's me!" I called.
"Meulin! I missed you!" she cried, running from the garden all the way through the house to me. I come at this time of day because she's always home, even if she's in the garden.
"Oh my goodness, I've missed you so much," I said as I took her hands. "I don't know how the time keeps slipping away!"
"I missed you too, Linny," she said with a little smile. "Come on in. I've made lunch. And happy birthday! I didn't get you anything…"
"That's quite alright," I said. "Don't worry about it."
We ate together and talked over everything that's happening, and I confided in her about me not being pregnant.
"It's been more than a month. Shouldn't I be carrying by now?"
"I think it can take half a year sometimes."
"Why do you say that?"
"It was in Mama's mother's book. She kept track of how long it took for people to get pregnant, and most people were pregnant before six months. It's only been one month!"
"You're right," I said. "I'm turning into such a worrywart! Oh, but how have you been?"
"I've been good," she said. "Equius is going to do so well in school. He showed me some of his drawings and he's going to be very good at designing buildings." She smiled, almost to herself. "I have such smart friends."
"You do," I said. "But you're the smartest of all."
"I'm not," she said. "You know I'm not very good at people."
"Doesn't mean you're not smart," I said. "You're very smart. You can do calculus! I sure can't do that."
She went a little red. "Thank you, Linny."
"You're welcome, Kitty."
She is smart. I hope she knows it.
16 August 1640
I swear I told Kurloz I was leaving to see Kitty, but today he said I hadn't.
"Why didn't you tell me yesterday?"
"I didn't want to ruin how happy you were after seeing her."
"That's very kind of you," I said, feeling a little caught off guard.
"Thank you. But I was worried, Meulin. You keep doing this-running off without telling anyone. It worries me, and it…" He bit his lip, like he wasn't sure of what he was about to say. "People talk. It could start rumors."
"That's-that's absurd," I said. "I'm not-I'm going to see my little sister. I'm not being unfaithful. I wouldn't even dream…"
"I know," he said. "It's just what other people say. We have to worry about that now."
I sighed. "Alright. Next time, how about I leave you a note on our desk? That way you'll know where I am and you can tell everyone I've gone to see my sister. I'm sure they'll understand."
"Alright," he said, a bit reluctant. I suppose he's still worried.
"I love you," I said.
"I love you too."
And that was that.
18 August 1640
I found my new mother-in-law, and she seems like a very kind woman, despite what my love says. Well, I do not think she has made any particular effort to be kind to him, especially considering she married the duke just half a year after my love's mother died. And I know how hard it is to lose your mother.
She told me she was glad for my help and she'd like me to start organizing servants to clean up the guest rooms and decorate them appropriately. I faltered a bit at that, because I don't know exactly what that means, and she gave a little sigh and started to explain. I feel awful making everyone else's life harder since I don't know what I'm doing. I know how to do women's work, but a common woman's work, not this.
I'll have to learn. I've always been a quick learner, and this time is going to be no different.
21 August 1640
I have been sleeping so well lately. When my love lets me curl up next to him in bed, I sleep deeply and dreamlessly. I don't have nightmares like I once did, the ones that my mother had to soothe me from for hours, but I do still dream of being starving and alone. I haven't told my darling so as not to worry him, but his warmth in bed makes me feel so much better.
I'm not alone anymore. I have him and my sister and my friends, and I'm never going to be alone again.
26 August 1640
I was sitting with Ellen today, trying my damnedest to summon up some painting skill, when a messenger told me that a woman from Rebecca wanted to know if I could sell her some olive oil.
I sprung up and said, "I have to go."
"What's wrong?" Ellen asked.
"I have to see someone. Don't worry, I'll be back." I turned to the messenger and said, "Tell my husband I've gone to the village to attend to some work and I'll be back by tonight. If he's worried, my sister will know where I am."
The messenger nodded and scurried away. I followed him and ran to my home, where I keep my supplies, and then to Rebecca's home.
Luckily, it all went relatively smoothly. Rebecca and her baby (a little girl) are both alive, if exhausted, and I left them with the pain medicine for when you've just had a baby and plenty of boiled water, so I know it's safe for her to drink. I haven't done this much on my own, not as much as my mother, but I did pretty well. I'm good at what I do, I think. My mother taught me well.
27 August 1640
My darling was furious with me today. I got back so late he was already asleep, so I went to my own bed so as not to wake him, and this morning he woke me up with the most wild look on his face.
"Meulin, where the hell have you been?"
I am not generally highly responsive when I first wake up, so I mumbled, "Work."
"Work?" he shouted.
"Rebecca had her baby," I said. "I gotta go see her today."
"You were missing for hours! I was worried sick!"
"I sent the messenger boy to you," I said.
"I never got any message!"
"Love, I'm sorry to have scared you. It was important that I go. Babies don't wait for anyone when the time comes to be born."
"I'm sure the woman didn't need you."
I stared at him in shock. "Yes, she did, Kurloz. Giving birth without someone around who can help you is…I can't even conceive of how dangerous that would be."
He frowned seriously and said, "You know you can't let anyone here know what work you do. What will they think if they see you leaving for the village at all hours of the day and night?"
"I still don't understand why you don't want anyone else to know my work."
"Midwifery is too close to witchcraft for anyone's comfort."
I sighed. "Alright. Fair enough. I trust you. But I still need to do my work. I have a responsibility to the women in the village."
He frowned again, still clearly upset. "I'd really rather you find someone else to handle the births."
"I am training Kanaya. I can do more work with her."
"Do that," he said. "Please."
"I will. My love, I'm so sorry I scared you. I promise I'll tell you next time I have to go into the village."
"Alright. Please try to remember this time."
"I will. I promise. I am sorry, my love."
He nodded and took my hand gently. "I love you."
"I love you too."