1 September 1640

I finished decorating the guest rooms! It took me a while between court and my other responsibilities-public appearances, appointments with other nobility, all that. And because I didn't know much what I was doing. My mother-in-law looked over everything and nodded approvingly. She said I'm going to be lovely to have around the house! I couldn't help but smile.

"Thank you so much," I said.

"You're quite welcome. Now get some rest, before the guests arrive. You'll need to be in top form for this."

I nodded, feeling nervous again, and went to my rooms to sit down and prepare. I asked Katherine to help me pick the right dress for the occasion. I don't want to mess up with my clothes like I did at my wedding. Image matters so much here! I need to look right.

4 September 1640

I should go my sister again soon. I certainly won't be getting away when the visitors are here. I hope Nepeta's doing alright. There have been some strong storms as of late and I'm a little bit worried about her. Our home is very sturdy and our garden is usually protected by the trees, but I worry. I know part of it is me being nervous, because it was a storm that almost killed me when I was a child, but it's also that she's my little sister. I'll always worry about her.

7 September 1640

I went to visit Nepeta today. I left a note for my love on his desk, told him where I was going, and headed out.

And I saw the village. It was a mess. There's only a couple thousand people in the whole village, and only a couple hundred houses-not counting the farms. Goodness knows there are smaller villages, but ours isn't large. I think at least fifty houses were destroyed. People were everywhere, just trying to…clean up the mess, I suppose.

I found Nepeta at home skinning and gutting animals faster than I've ever seen her, with people I hardly knew sitting at the table.

"Nepeta," I said.

"Linny!" she said, lighting up.

"Kitty, what happened?" I asked.

"One of the storms," she said. "We don't know what it was, but it-out of nowhere, this huge gray cloud came down and…it tore everything up."

"Oh, Kitty," I said. "I'm so sorry." I took her hands and said, "I'm so sorry."

"That's why there's people here," she explained. "Their houses are destroyed. A lot of people are staying at the church but not everyone can. I think there's a few hundred people whose homes are gone."

"Oh my goodness," I said. "I-my goodness. What can I do to help?"

"If you can stay a while, you can help me hunt," she said. "Or cook. Or work on the harvest. One of the Reeses is always around to watch their children, but you could switch with them, maybe."

"I'll help with whatever you're doing," I said.

So I helped her gut the animals and put them in some stews to bring into the village later. She's been making food constantly, she said, so other people can focus on building the new homes.

She can't let people go hungry any more than I can. We've both been hungry and we can't stand to let anyone suffer that way. I understand completely why she's taken people into our home. I'll do whatever I can to help.

We had a few moments to ourselves before I had to go, so we sat together at the table and talked. We didn't talk about much of great importance, but it was good to just sit together and be sisters. I love her so much.

My darling and I had a lovely night and I slept well. Our visitors come in three days, and I need to be ready.

10 September 1640

Our visitors arrived today! The Count and Countess Jameson are probably about a decade older than my love and me, maybe a little older, and have very strong northern accents. I'd never say anything, of course, but I've never heard anyone talk like that before. I suppose it's because I've only ever heard people talk like where I'm from. It's strange to think about how people talk so differently around the world.

Anyways, they seem…a bit snobbish, but alright. We all went to greet them and then I went with my mother-in-law on a tour of the castle, which is apparently standard. I'm sort of tagging along with what she does, so I'm prepared when it's my turn. I did my best to walk like a proper duchess and talk like one, too. I tried to pitch in when I could, but I don't have much to say, really. But I think I did alright.

They settled in, and then we had a proper fancy dinner. It was just the count and countess, my parents-in-law, my love and I, and Gamzee. Not that Gamzee ever notices anything that happens, but he has to be there.

There's a lot to do, a lot of showing them around and meeting people and such. I'm just glad I can watch my mother-in-law do it first. I'm not just being thrown into it all. Thank goodness! I don't always know what's going on, but at least I have someone else who knows how to do it.

15 September 1640

It's been an exhausting few days. I've been entertaining the Countess Jameson nigh-constantly, and while she doesn't know I'm common she knows who I'm supposed to be. She has expectations of me I have to meet. It's been stressful! I'm trying to do everything right and it sometimes feels overwhelming.

My love assures me I'm doing just fine, but sometimes he doesn't seem as confident in me. He tells me he believes in me but once in a while, his tone seems to betray something else. I've tried to tell him that, but he insists he doesn't mean it like that. Maybe I'm reading too much into things.

They leave tomorrow. I'll be ready for a bit of rest.

18 September 1640

My darling and I had a…rather serious conversation today.

"Meulin, my dear. I need to talk to you about something."

"Of course. What is it, dear?"

"You aren't pregnant yet, I take it."

"No, I'm not," I said.

"We've been married three months," he said, rather delicate.

"I know," I said. "My mother's book said it can take up to half a year, even a year. It will happen, my dearest."

"Alright," he said. "I hope it happens soon."

"Me too! I'm very excited to have a baby," I said truthfully.

I love him very much and I'm thrilled to have a family with him. It's going to be wonderful.

20 September 1640

I wanted to go visit my sister today, but my love stopped me and told me I needed to be in court today. A very important man from the west came today to speak with his family, and it was important I be there. I'm part of that now. I don't do or say anything, but I have to be there. I think part of it is that the future of the duchy is secure, or somesuch. The eldest son of the duke has a wife, and will have an heir.

I hope I get pregnant soon.

23 September 1640

I was terribly ill today. My darling wanted me to see the doctor, but I can't trust male doctors. I just asked for ginger and lemon in some green tea.

I'll be alright. I managed to keep some broth and plain bread down at dinner, and hopefully I'll be in court tomorrow. I need to be well if I'm to be the noble woman I need to be.

25 September 1640

I felt much better today, thank goodness. I suppose I ate something that disagreed with me.

I spent much of today with my ladies, mostly Ellen and Magdelena. We three painted together and giggled, actually enjoyed ourselves together! I think they're getting more comfortable with me, which is nice.

Magdalena also updated me on some of the court gossip-proper gossip, not just who's who. She told me all about Lord Buchanan's affairs with his wife's ladies, and the Lady Bernard's little indiscretions. She also told me about how various Earls go out and get drunk and do dumb things, lots of little things like that. It's lots of fun! I'm looking forward to having something to think about when I'm in court. And the fact that she trusts me to keep these things to myself is nice. She trusts me more than she did.

Friendships aren't built in a month, but we're working on it.

28 September 1640

I was ill again today, and I'm beginning to suspect something exciting-I think I may be pregnant!

I won't tell anyone until I'm sure, of course. I know miscarriage is very common in the first few months, and it may even be a coincidence. I know that my mother always induced miscarriages as early as possible, because it was the safest and the most natural. So if anything is going to go wrong, it's going to happen soon. I don't want to get anyone's hopes up.

30 September 1640

I made it out to see my sister today! Things are still completely mad in the village, and winter is starting to set in. Kitty's managed to harvest everything and preserve it, but they're going through the food they have too fast.

I'm worried about her. I don't want her to work herself too hard.

1 October 1640

I really thought I told my love I'd gone out, but he swore I hadn't.

"My love," he said. "My love, I was so worried."

"I left you a note. I know I did!"

"Maybe you dreamed you did."

"I'm sure I told you," I said. "I told my ladies."

"I didn't know where you were," he insisted.

"I'm sorry, my dearest," I said. "Next time."

"It's always next time," he snapped.

"I'm-I'm sorry," I said. "I really am trying."

"I know you are. But you need to try harder."

"I will," I promised.

I feel like I'm losing my mind. I wrote a note, and I told him where I was going. Maybe I did dream it? But that doesn't make any sense. I woke up and got dressed and all that before I told him where I was going.

I don't know what to make of this. Maybe I just do need to try harder. Maybe it's all the stress I'm under, and I am losing my mind. I know it runs in my family.

I'll be careful from now on. I need to be at my best.

5 October 1640

Being a noblewoman can make for an awfully busy life. I have court every day, and public events and appearances, and correspondences to keep up with, and a household to manage. It's strange. I've always done my own housework, of course. Now, I manage the servants with my mother-in-law. I don't cook for myself; I direct the chefs what to make. Or I send the maids to take care of something. My mother-in-law is in charge, of course, but I have a lot to do, too, and she trusts me to take care of things.

I'm exhausted by the end of each day. My love can tell. We usually finish off the night sleeping together, talking a bit, and then falling fast asleep. I hardly even dream these days.

9 October 1640

I'm still sick to my stomach quite often, and I suppose that's pregnancy for you. My mama wrote that sickness is common for the first couple of months. She never talked to me about her own pregnancies, and I never asked, because I knew it was a sore subject for her. But I've seen lots of pregnant women and I know what to expect.

I'll tell my darling soon, once I'm two months in, so it's less likely to go wrong. I don't want him to worry.

13 October 1640

Kurloz suggested today that I start dictating my letters to my sister. I asked him why on Earth I'd do that, and he said I should get practice dictating. I've never done it before, but everything we do that's formal has to be written by a scribe.

So I tried it, and it was harder than I thought it would be. It's a good thing I'm practicing. I'm sure Kitty will ask about it, so I put that in the letter, too. I hope she's doing alright! With the storm and all, the village must be struggling. Our home may be standing, but neither of us can stand to see people suffering. I hope she listens and doesn't work herself too hard. But I think working yourself too hard is like being a bit stubborn-it runs in our family.

17 October 1640

I couldn't wait anymore! I told Kurloz today after dinner.

"My dear, I have something to tell you."

"Oh?" he asked.

"I think I'm pregnant!" I said, unable to contain my excitement.

"That's wonderful!" he said, grabbing my hands. "Oh my goodness, Meulin, you've made my day!"

I smiled. "I'm very excited," I said. "I have to be careful, though. It's too soon to know for sure."

"How do you mean?"

"Well, before about three months, it's much easier for things to go wrong. But I have no doubt I'll be fine."

"I'm sure you will be," he said with a smile. "I-I feel silly asking, but…"

"We can still sleep together," I said. "It's only when I'm breastfeeding that we can't."

"Well, you won't be nursing, so that won't be a problem."

"Pardon me?"

"We have wet nurses," he said. "You won't need to nurse our baby."

"I want to," I said. "I've always wanted to nurse my own child."

"That's sweet, but we'll be busy," he said. "After the baby is born, you're expected to go back to working right away, and prepare to have another baby."

"We need to wait at least two months," I said. "Nursing or not, it's not safe to try too close together. And I want to raise my own children."

"Of course we'll raise our own children. But we'll have help."

"Yes, but it matters to me that they know me as their mama, and you as their papa."

"They will," he promised. "You best get some rest."

"Thank you, dear," I said, and I kissed him.

It was a nice night. But I forgot how different it is to raise children when you're noble. I was raised like a noble child for the first eleven years of my life, but my parents were wrong. Come to think of it, I did have a nurse and a tutor and a nanny. But I want to raise my children like my mama raised me. She loved us and held us and took care of us. We knew she was there for us. I want my children to be able to rely on me.

20 October 1640

My love is very worried about me right now. It's really adorable. I told him things can go wrong and now he's so worried about our baby. I told him it would most likely be fine, but he still worries. I hope this isn't arrogant, but I think I know more than him about pregnancy and childbirth. I'm still doing most of my duties, and I will until I'm too pregnant to do much of anything.

That said, I am a little bit worried. I know that my mama had trouble carrying babies, but I don't know much about it. I'm related to her by blood. I don't know if her problems could be passed down to me. I'm trying not to worry about it too much, because worry, ironically, can also be bad for pregnancy.

My goodness, I'm almost certainly fretting over nothing. Most of the women I care for carry their babies to term with no problem. My mama was unlucky, that's all. I need to calm down. It's like my love says when I get worried-I'm high-strung, and need to remember to take a breath and calm down.

24 October 1640

Apparently they don't celebrate All Saints' and All Souls' in the palace, or, not like we do. They don't do festivals here, because it's not proper to dance like we do or eat messily or any of that. I don't mind. I like the festivals, but I'm curious to see how it's done in the palace! I asked my love and he said they have the most lovely church service, then had a wonderful meal, and had a different sort of party, with music and serious dances and such. I'm excited! My darling and I have been practicing dances in our rooms and it's so much fun. His smile is beautiful, and he smiles so happy when we dance together. Maybe one day I'll teach him the dances I grew up with!

Things are good right now. I'm not sure how they could get better!

29 October 1640

My new mother-in-law and I sat down for tea today. I was nervous because I know I don't know what I'm doing, really, but she was nice. She told me I was doing well and asked if I felt ready for the holidays.

"I definitely do," I lied. I'm so nervous!

She nodded. "It will be quite lovely. I suppose you've been working with your seamstress?"

"I have," I said, which was true. Katherine has been helping me figure out the proper fashion to be wearing for the festivals.

"And how have you been?" she asked, all genuine and kind.

"Quite good. And you?"

"I've been well," she said. "How are you adapting to noble life? I know you were raised a commoner." She sounded a little bit condescending, but I tried not to think about it. Most people here are, a bit.

"I think I've been doing well," I said. "And my husband, he's been a perfect darling. You've been so helpful too."

"Anything you need," she said. "I did always want a daughter."

I don't want a new mother, not when I spend so much time missing my mama, but I didn't want to make her upset. "Thank you so much. I hope I can be a good daughter."

"I'm sure you will be."

I hope I can be a good noblewoman anyways, and do what's right. I'm nervous!

31 October 1640

Dinner was a bit more formal tonight for All Souls', but mostly things happen tomorrow. My love said I looked beautiful in my gown and he couldn't wait to see me in my fancy festival clothes. He looks so handsome in his formal clothes, too. He's very handsome. I have the most wonderful husband in the world-kind, sweet, thoughtful, considerate, and terribly handsome.

I worry about my brother-in-law, though. Gamzee never seems quite…there, when we're all together. My darling worries, too. We've talked about it some, but I might talk more after the holidays. I don't know him well, but I wouldn't want anything to happen to him.

1 November 1640

Today was wonderful! Church was long, but nice. We had communion and the priest talked about what the saints have done for us and how we must recognize them for all the good work they do. I don't know much about specific saints, but they were all holy people who did good things for those around them, so I think they deserve a day to be celebrated.

Dinner was delicious. Our chefs pulled out all the stops, and we had these wonderful game pies and fancy meats and cheeses, and fresh fruits and vegetables, and the most delicious pudding. And the dancing! It wasn't like at home, but I danced with my love and other noblemen and it was quite fun! Between dances I chatted with some of the other noblewomen and my ladies, and they're all fun to talk to. We gossiped and talked about the food and told little jokes and (not that I'd ever tell anyone!) teased the priest about his stiff manner of speaking.

It was good. And then, later, when it was all over, my darling and I danced to our room and had a wonderful night together. I'm exhausted but I've never felt so good about being tired. I think I will be walking on air for days.

5 November 1640

I think I'm two months pregnant now and I feel, frankly, awful. I'm sick to my stomach all the time, even when the food is delicious. My whole system seems to be in a tizzy-sometimes I can't eat, sometimes I'm starving for foods I don't have. Sometimes I need to excuse myself to the bathroom every five minutes, and sometimes I'm so thirsty it's like I've never had water before. And to top it all off, my breasts ache. I know it's because my milk will be coming in in a few months, but I wish they'd wait a moment. I don't need to breastfeed for more than half a year! My goodness.

It will get better, I know, and it will all be worth it when I have our little one in my arms. Kurloz looks at me with stars in his eyes when we talk about it, and sometimes he touches my belly so gently, already caring about our little baby. I'm not showing yet, so we haven't told anyone else, but he's so excited already. He's so sweet. I love him so much.

10 November 1640

I spent most of today with my ladies, Magdalena and Ellen specifically. We painted together and got a little bit messy in the process! They noticed I was acting differently, so I decided to tell them.

"Well…we're keeping it quiet until I'm further along, but I'm pregnant!"

"That's wonderful!" Magdalena exclaimed. "Oh my goodness, how exciting! Do you know, boy or girl?"

"No, how would I?" I laughed.

"There's all sorts of ways! You could try the barely trick, or the hand one, or the-"

"Oh, those are all nonsense," I said.

"My mother said she knew I was a girl as soon as she was pregnant," Ellen said.

"Really?" I asked. "You know, I never asked my mother if she knew about her son."

"What about you? Did she know for you?" Magdalena asked.

I wasn't sure what to say. I don't talk much about my odd family situation, and my love doesn't want me to talk about my mother being the midwife. So I said, "It's a bit complicated, but I was raised by my aunt. I call her my mother, but she didn't give birth to me."

The two of them nodded and didn't ask any more questions about that, so I suppose I got away with it. "Anyways, I'm very excited." I touched my belly and smiled.

"I'm so happy for you," Ellen said sincerely. "Just let us know if you need anything."

"Thank you," I said gratefully. "I'm alright for now, although goodness knows I've felt better. Once I'm further along I'm sure I'll need help! And of course at the birth."

We went back to painting, and it was nice. I'm not good at painting by any stretch, but I am getting better! I love learning. This is good fun.

16 November 1640

I got a letter today from my sister, asking why I don't come visit her more often. I've been so busy! I wrote back and told her so and then decided to go see her soon. I'm so excited to tell me about my pregnancy! And I best check our mama's books. Kitty's going to be so happy. She always said she was excited to be an aunt. I'm so glad I have all these people around me who love me and will help take care of our baby.

Our baby is going to be so loved. I'm so lucky.

21 November 1640

I went to see Kitty today! I told my ladies and my love, left a note for him, and told the guard, too, when I left. It was a lovely walk, although a bit cold. I have my good winter clothes so it wasn't so bad. And Kitty had a nice warm cup of tea for me.

"You're acting different," she said. "What's going on?"

"I'm pregnant!" I said, feeling giddy with it. "I think I just hit two months. It's early but I'm so excited!"

"That's great, Linny," she said. "That's wonderful." She had her big, sincere eyes, and I was so glad to tell her.

"I'm a little nervous," I confessed.

"How come?"

"Well, Mama, she couldn't have babies, really. It was really hard for her. And we're blood related, so I'm worried I might also have trouble. Even if it's not that. There's a million things could go wrong. I just worry!"

"You're going to be fine," she said. "Our birth mother had us just fine."

"That's true," I admitted. "Thanks, Kitty. I suppose Kurloz is right-I can be a bit high-strung."

She wrinkled her forehead, thinking. "I suppose so. You do worry a lot. But less than you used to, like right after Mama passed away. I don't think you're very high-strung-just a bit of a worrier."

"I was a terrible worrywart then," I said. "I was worried about you. But you're doing so well now."

She smiled. "I am, I think. I took down a deer a few days ago!"

"A deer! Nepeta, that's amazing!"

She blushed. "It took a lot of work, but I got one. It's going to feed lots of people this winter. If I need to, I think I could get another."

"You're really incredible, Kitty," I said. "A deer. My goodness!"

"You are too. Do you need anything for being pregnant? Any of Mama's herbs?"

"I'm going to check her books. I've been so sick to my stomach. I know ginger's good for that, but I don't remember what all else."

"Is that normal?" she asked, sounding nervous.

"Perfectly normal," I assured her. "No fun, but perfectly normal."

She smiled at that and we talked about not much for the rest of my visit. I'm still so happy I hardly noticed the cold as I was walking home. It was good to see Kitty again. I miss her when we're apart for too long. She's my little sister, of course I do! I'll have to keep remembering to make time for her.

25 November 1640

It's not even December, but Christmas preparations are beginning here-planning the decoration and the meal and the service. There's a sort of play, but not like the theater. They do a performance of the Nativity, with a Mary and a Joseph and everyone, and everyone's invited. It's so everyone can see the story of when Jesus was born. I do love Christmas carols, so I'm excited! We've had a few traveling groups stop in my hometown and do religious plays for us, but I mostly prefer the less savory theater. My darling does not agree with me about Mr. Shakespeare's plays. I probably can't go to see plays now as a noblewoman, or only see some of them. That's alright. I'm excited for this Nativity play!

28 November 1640

Today…today was terrible.

I was going about my usual life, organizing the household after court to prepare for the holidays, when my stomach began to ache-painfully, not like with the nausea. I was all set to ignore it when I felt the blood.

"Excuse me," I said to the head maid. "I have to go."

"But the decorations for the visitor's rooms-"

"We'll do that tomorrow. For today, just keep cleaning the main ballroom and preparing the good china. I must go."

She looked baffled, but let me go. I all but ran to my rooms, where I frantically tried to find my darling, because I knew what was happening. It didn't feel too different from my bleeding, but I knew I was pregnant, and I knew I was miscarrying.

He was in meeting so I sat so the blood would drip into a basin and clutched at my stomach and tried not to cry. I want a baby so badly. Why did I lose this one? I suppose I know that miscarriages happen all the time but I wanted this little baby so much. It hurts to lose them.

My love found me still sitting there because he'd heard from the butler that I'd left suddenly. He was so worried.

"I lost the baby," I said. "I-I lost it."

"What happened?" he asked.

"I-I don't know. I was just talking with Carolynn and all of a sudden I had cramping and bleeding, and I know I was pregnant, and I-I lost the baby."

"I'm sorry," he said, sitting next to me. "Are you alright?"

"I will be. I was only two months along. It's not very serious. We can probably still have children. I just…lost this one."

"It's alright," he said. "But maybe next time, you should be gentler on yourself."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, if you're working too hard, wouldn't that be hard on your pregnancy? Maybe next time, you should rest more."

"That's a good idea," I said. "If you can afford to have me off for some time."

"Of course," he said. "Your health is more important than your work."

"Thank you, dear," I said, leaning back on him. He's so kind and good to me. I love him so much. I'm glad to have him when things are hard like this.

1 December 1640

My darling seemed especially worked up today, but he just snapped at me whenever I tried to ask what was wrong. He's so full of stress from the holidays. This life is very stressful! No wonder my dear can be so irate some days! I would be, too, in his shoes.

I try my best to be gentle when he's clearly exhausted. He needs me to be a good wife for him those days, and I can certainly do that.

3 December 1640

Today was the first Sunday of Advent! Since it's Sunday we didn't work on the holidays but we did have a nice dinner. I love Advent. It's such a wonderful time, the excited waiting for Christmas. It's fun and joyful and a good time of year.

It was just delightful. Conversation was delightful and I felt so good by the end of dinner. I had a few glasses of wine, so I felt warm and giggly. My love helped me to bed and told me he loved me with a sort of fond exasperation, like he knew I shouldn't have drunk so much. I love him. I always will.

7 December 1640

We talked a lot today about how he's been so tense and snappish. I told him I was worried and he admitted he was upset about the miscarriage.

"It's just that I got my hopes up and then…" He shrugged helplessly.

"I know," I said. "Me too. I really want children, and I'm so sad I lost that one."

"Can we try again?" he asked anxiously.

"What do you think we've been doing?" I teased.

He smiled.

"A miscarriage at two months is relatively common, and nothing to worry about."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am. Normally I wouldn't have told until the third month, but I was so excited!"

"Ah," he said. "I would prefer you tell me as soon as you know."

"I will," I promised.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"I-I'm worried that walking to your sister's home didn't help," he said delicately.

"I doubt it."

"You walked miles in the cold," he insisted. "I can't imagine that's good for your body."

"I suppose not," I said, trying to think. My mama did advise people to rest up as soon as they knew. Walking miles in the cold is not really resting. Neither is work here, but this is more work with my mind, not my body. "I'll rest more next time. I promise."

He smiled with relief. "Thank you, my dear."

It's good to know why he was upset and it's good to know I could ease his worry. I've always been good with people. I'm glad I can be here for my husband.

10 December 1640

Today was the second Sunday of Advent, for peace. Service was lovely again. It felt peaceful. It felt calm and safe. I told my love how happy I am it's Advent, and he told me again I'm an angel. He thinks the world of me. I want to live up to that and be good enough for him. He's so wonderful to me. He deserves the best from me.

I talked much more with the other noblewomen today, and they're all fun to talk to. I hope I'm fitting in! They're all such fun and I hope we can be friends.

13 December 1640

I've been so absentminded lately. I keep misplacing things. I keep my journal in the drawer of my nightstand and it's always where it should be, but my pens seem to leap around my desk and my combs seem to play musical chairs when I'm not looking. I think the stress is getting to me. I have been stressed from the move and all the changes, and the miscarriage.

My darling has been worried about me when I told him about misplacing things. He wants me to be at my best and he wants me to be happy. He gets so worried sometimes, that he's not good enough for me. I tell him he is all the time, because it's true! He's a wonderful man and I love him. Sometimes he can be terribly insecure when I talk with other men, but I always reassure him he's my husband and I love him. It must be hard growing up with a father like his, with that weight on your shoulders. I'll do all I can to help him carry some of it.

17 December 1640

Today was the third Sunday of Advent, joy. I suppose I am joyful! So many wonderful things are happening-Christmas is coming, I'm married to the man I love, we're going to be starting a family. So much is joyful in my life.

I am worried about the village. It's getting cold and I hope they have enough. My sister is good at what she does, but I don't know if she can feed the whole village all winter long. I know she can feed herself, or I never would have left home, but I don't know about everyone else.

She says she's fine when she writes, and the village is too. I have no reason to distrust her, but I can't help but worry. She's my little sister. I'll never stop worrying about her.

20 December 1640

We're starting trying to conceive again. We were before, but we are more seriously now. I'm looking forward to having a baby! There's a lot that I think will be different from how I thought I would raise my children, but Kurloz is right-they have to be raised as nobles, not as commoners. I'll be doing more of the work of raising them than him, because he's much busier, but we'll both have a say in it.

I've been talking to my ladies about raising their children, and they say the same things, about raising children as nobles. There's tutoring and etiquette and all sorts of things they'll have that I didn't when I was a child. I want this good life for them.

My husband worries a lot about me. He worries about how the earl talks to me, and about my health with the pregnancy, and about my new clothes, and about everything. I think it's why he can get so short with me sometimes. When I'm most worried, I know I can get very snappish. I'm trying to help him stay calm, and I think tea helps, but I don't have all my herbs. Noble life is very stressful!

24 December 1640

Today was the last Sunday of Advent, for love of course, and also Christmas Eve! It was quite wonderful. I've been trying to find a good gift for my darling and one for my sister. I picked my sister a couple of books I'm sure she'll like and I settled on another book, one about the New World, for my darling. He's curious about the exploration that's been happening. I'm curious too! Maybe I'll read it myself when he's done.

Buying gifts is hard. I hope I've done well!

25 December 1640

Christmas was today, and it was incredible! Of course it started with church, and then after that we had the most delicious dinner and lots of celebrating-plenty of wine and dancing and chatting. It was just such fun! I've never seen such a feast and I've never had such good food. The dancing was wonderful and all the noblewomen were delightful to talk to. I feel a little bit silly from the drink, but mostly just warm and comfortable and wonderful. I never drank much at home, because our mama didn't, but I find I enjoy some wine sometimes.

My darling worries when I drink, but I know I'm fine-a bit tipsy, a bit giggly, but I know when my head starts to feel fuzzy that it's time to stop. He helped me to bed and all but tucked me in, the silly fellow he is. I love him so much.

26 December 1640

My darling gave me a wonderful gift today: a bracelet with our wedding date on it and space to add our children's birthdays. He said he wants me to always have something of him and our babies close to me. He's so sweet! He loved the book, too, and said he'd start it that night. He gave me the most beautiful smile and kissed me and told me he loved me so much.

I told him I was going to see Kitty soon to bring her her gifts. He's worried, of course; he doesn't want me walking so far in the cold. But I'm not pregnant yet, so he's letting it go.

29 December 1640

I went to see Kitty today! I brought her the books and she was so happy she started bouncing on her toes like she does. There's one about plants and one about animals in our country, so she can read them to learn all about nature. She loves learning. She got me a gift, too-a set of jars for herbs and things. They're lovely little cut glass things, perfect for storage. I put them on my desk when I got home and used one for my pens.

I could tell she was under a lot of stress, so I asked her about it.

"I'm fine," she said. "We've been very busy. I hunt every day. I don't want us to run out of food."

"You're doing something really kind and generous," I said carefully. "But I don't want you to get sick. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you."

"I'm fine, Linny!"

"Are you sure?"

"I'm a grownup, Meulin. I can take care of myself. Mrs. Portland and Mrs. Reese are also worrying about me, and so is Equius. I'm perfectly alright."

I nodded. "Alright. But if you need anything, just write me."

"I will. You should write more often!"

I couldn't help but laugh. "I will. I'll tell you all the exciting palace news."

"I want to hear how you are."

"I'll tell you that, too. You tell me how you are, alright? And how the village is."

"I will. I promise." She was very serious all of a sudden, like she gets sometimes. I think the stress of the village is weighing on her.

I had to go before long, but I left her with the new books and a promise to come back soon.

31 December 1640

I was terribly ill this morning. I may be jumping to conclusions, but I hope very much that I'm pregnant again! It could be any number of things, but between the illness and the other symptoms, I hope it's another pregnancy. I know when my baby is born I will tell them that I have loved them since I knew they were a tiny little thing inside me. I'll tell my husband when I'm more sure, but in the meantime, I love this little life with all I have. I can only imagine what I'll feel when I hold my baby for the first time. I think I may just explode with love.