"A Solution to the Problem, or not"
Syaoran watched her fiddle with her fingers as she kept her gaze from him.
They were sitting at one of the tables in the hospital. The room was almost empty, with the exception of a few people staying behind to clean the hospital.
He wanted them to be somewhere alone, but was too afraid of suggesting it. He feared she may run off and disappear again. She was already close to getting away earlier, but he caught her in just enough time.
He did not think he could take anymore hurt that she threw at him tonight. The things she said at the staircase, her being here with Akinari, and her letting him touch her even after he asked her not to, was too much for him in one night.
"Can you look at me, Sakura?" he asked gently when he noticed her eyes trained on the floor.
"You said we would talk..." she said quietly.
He could feel his heart twist in his chest, not understanding why she is acting this way. "I want an honest conversation with you, though. How could I know you're being honest when you won't even look at me?" he asked sadly.
"Can we really have an honest conversation around so many people?" she asked softly.
"Let's go somewhere else, then. We can go to my house, your house—hell, we can go to my office if you don't want to go to our places," he suggested, grabbing her hand.
She pulled her hand back from his after looking around. "I don't want this night to get any more troubling as it already has been for us," she said.
"And it won't. Just..."
"Your office is fine. You're not off work tonight anyway, right?"
He frowned. "I'm off. I've been working all day," he said.
When she did not say anything, he stood up from the chair. She looked up at him, surprised by his sudden movement.
"Come on," he said, looking elsewhere in the room.
"Hmm?"
"Let's go to my office," he said.
She sighed, standing up with him. "Talking. That's it," she said in a strict tone.
He swallowed, not wanting to make that promise. He was not dragging her to his office to do anything but talk. He just wanted to take caution, though. He knew how he could be sometimes. Making a promise like that could be futile.
"Come on," he said.
"Syaoran," she called in a warning tone.
"Please, Sakura. I just...we'll talk," he said.
She sighed, looking around and then nodding.
He grabbed her hand, squeezing it before gently pulling her with him to the elevator. He pressed the up button, squeezing her hand a little tighter unconsciously. "Everyone we have to worry about is gone. There are just the night shift workers and patients," he said.
He was glad when the elevator doors opened. They walked inside, and he pressed the highest floor.
The elevator doors closed, making his heart twist in anticipation.
He swallowed, turning to her. His breath caught in his throat, seeing her stare at him with an intense look in her eyes he had never seen before. He still did not bother speaking until they reached the top floor, though.
He motioned her to step out first when the doors of the elevator opened. He followed close behind her, reminding her where his office is.
Once they settled inside, he closed the door behind him, looking at the back of her head as she stood.
His eyes slowly scanned her backside, not able to help but admire how beautiful she looked, even from behind.
"I really need to personally thank the seamstress who created this dress," he said, slowly walking towards her as his eyes trained on the little skin shown from the dress that Akinari had touched earlier to irk him.
"Tomoyo," she said quietly, making him stop his advancing towards her.
"The moment I saw you tonight...I couldn't keep my eyes off you. It was so hard concentrating on conversation with anyone else, knowing that this...that the most beautiful woman to me, was in the same room as me..."
He continued to move towards her before standing directly behind her, feeling her heat. He just wanted to turn her around to see that beautiful blushing face he was sure she has right now.
"Syaoran," she called timidly.
He closed his eyes, loving the way his name sounded rolling off her tongue so fluently. It almost erased the painful feelings of when she called him by his last name earlier.
At the thought of that, he snaked his arm around her waist, pulling her back against him. "Don't ever address me so formally like you did earlier," he whispered in her neck, holding her tightly.
Her breath hitched as she froze in his arms.
He squeezed her small frame a little gently and buried his face in her neck. He could almost melt in into a puddle of mush at her strong scent intoxicating his lungs. She smelt so good. How he missed this smell.
His lips brushed against her neck, emitting a surprised noise from her mouth that sounded too close to a moan to his ears.
"I missed you," he whispered against her skin. "…so fucking much that it hurt being away from you. Even the thought of you leaving me for a moment hurts."
"S-Syaoran," she called weakly, struggling to get loose a little.
He held her tighter. "Just...wait. Let me hold you a little while longer," he said.
She stopped struggling, letting him hold her for a little longer.
It felt like it had been ages since he last held her in his arms. Three weeks. That's all it had been, yet it felt longer.
"I thought about you every single second of the day for these last weeks. It's been so hard without you," he said.
When he felt her shiver, he brushed his lips against her neck again, kissing it this time. His lips dragged up her neck slowly until they reached her ear.
She whimpered, sending a message straight to his groin, awakening the beast.
"Where's your scarf?" he asked in her ear gently.
He was glad the scarf was missing right now, but he still wanted her warm at the same time.
"F-first floor," she said quietly.
He hummed, kissing his way down her neck again, except to her bare shoulders.
"S-Stop," she said weakly. "We said...just talk."
He stopped kissing her neck, but kept his arms wrapped around her tightly. "What do you want to do about us?" he asked gently.
She took a deep breath and then released it. Nothing came after that, though.
"Should we keep us a secret?"
"No," she said immediately, interrupting him. "I don't see an 'us' happening, honestly."
He released her, feeling that stab of rejection in his heart again. "Why?" he asked. "Is it the rumors? My past? Your reputation? Your license? That bastard? Your past? Whatever it is, I can fix it," he promised. He grabbed her shoulders gently, turning her so she could look at him. "Let me fix it."
"No...don't. I just want you to fix you," she said, looking at him sadly.
He grabbed her hands, squeezing them. "I can't do that without you, though," he whispered brokenly.
And he could not. Everything was too hard without Sakura. She had become his supporter. His person. What could he possibly do without her now?
She removed her hands from his, moving them up to cup his cheeks. "Yes, you can. You have to," she said.
His heart tightened, seeing the threatening tears in her eyes, and hearing the brokenness in her tone. "Okay, I can, but, I don't want to. I want you to be here every step of the way," he said.
She sniffed. "I can't do that," she said, closing her eyes tightly.
She was in pain with him too. He could tell. How could he take it away from her when she would not let him, though?
"You can. You just don't want to," he said, looking away from her, feeling hurt by that obvious information.
"That's not true," she said, making him look at her. "I do want to, but I can't baby you every step of the way."
"You aren't, Sakura. I'm the one who has to face my problems. I'm the one who has to live with them...and fix them. I just need support. Your support," he said, hoping to convince her with this.
"I..."
"Why can't you give me that, Sakura? That's all I'm asking right now to your declaration about me needing to fix myself. Why can't you compromise?"
Her eyes watered even more, making him grab her hands on his face. He brought them to his lips, kissing each finger. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked sadly. "Please, don't cry."
"I..." Her voice wavered, telling him that she would break down at any moment.
"Shh, you don't have to talk," he said, pulling her in his arms.
"This is why I knew we couldn't talk," she said into his chest brokenly.
"We can, though. You just need time—time, like I needed time to warm up to you and talk about everything. That's all," he said, inhaling the scent of her hair.
He felt disgusted with himself for getting aroused at a time like this when her scent intoxicated his senses.
She shook her head against his chest. "I just don't see it happening, Syaoran. We aren't good for each other," she said.
Syaoran released her, making her look up at him when he grabbed her chin. "Why?"
"We just can't. I'm not ready for this and you aren't either," she said sadly.
"Why? Make me understand," he said desperately.
"I'm just not ready—"
"Is it Eichii? You aren't over him?" he asked, feeling his heart tighten in his chest in anticipation. This was something he did not think would be a factor in their relationship.
"Of course I am. I just..." She dropped her head.
"No, look at me," he demanded gently. "I want to see you."
She looked up at him sadly. "What if I lose you too? What if—"
"There is no what ifs, Sakura. You won't lose me. I won't ever leave you, okay? I would never betray you or purposely hurt you," he said.
When she did not say anything, Syaoran grabbed her face gently, so she could look him in the eyes. "What else is there? If the 'wanting to have kids' is an issue, that's fixed. I've already set up an appointment to get a reversal. It won't be tomorrow or the day after tomorrow, nor this year. After everything gets settled and the trial starts in January, I'll have it. And no, it's not because you want kids..." he trailed off.
"Syaoran," she called softly.
"I want something that only we can create together. I don't want to share that with anyone else but you," he said sincerely.
He had never thought of having kids as something like that until Watanabe said it. Kids had never sounded appealing to him before, but after Watanabe said that...all he could think about was a mini Sakura and mini Syaoran running around a house.
The image made his heart warm like nothing had ever done before.
"We can have however many kids you want," he said.
As soon as that statement came out, she pulled back from him with a sad smile on her face. "Syaoran," she called again.
"I'm trying, Sakura. I'm compromising and it's something I want to do. I've had more than enough time to think about all of this, especially after your ploy of disappearing on me. I'm trying, because I want you. I want to be with you. I want to spend a life with you, if you would let me...if you want me," he said the last part quietly.
He moved closer to her, cupping her cheeks. "I mean it. I mean every bit of it. I want to be with you," he said.
She closed her eyes, leaning into his touch as her cheeks warmed under his palm. "Syaoran, I..."
"Just don't turn me away again. You know I hate that the most," he said, leaning down to kiss her nose.
She took a deep breath, nodding her head.
"Tell me you won't turn me away then," he demanded, begging her with his eyes.
Her eyes shifted from his, telling him that she could not say it.
"Please..."
She bit her lip lightly, nodding her head a little.
"So, what do you want to do? You can have all the control in this, and that's saying a lot," he said, surprising himself with this information.
He was already a control freak as it is, so he could barely believe that he was standing here, telling her that she could have all the control in their relationship.
She opened her mouth slightly, but nothing came out.
"Come on, say something. You're making me nervous with your silence," he said impatiently.
"O-Okay," she blurted.
"Okay?"
"We need to...take this really slow, though. You know that...I still have some things to work on too, so we...can't just jump into a relationship," she said slowly.
"Okay. Where should we start?" he asked, feeling the unsettling feeling in his chest relax. They were getting somewhere finally. "A kiss?" he added teasingly, though he meant it. He missed her lips the more he stared at them.
Her cheeks colored, making him smile and deciding to take one anyway without her permission.
He leaned down and closed the gap between their lips in a sweet kiss. He shivered underneath his suit when she grabbed the sleeves of his shirt, pulling him closer to her.
His hands moved up to her hair, grabbing the hair tie that held her hair up as his lips continued to kiss hers.
She pulled back from his lips, showing surprise at his actions as her hair fell down in a disheveled look. He liked the look on her.
"I love your hair," he said, running his hand through the short tresses.
She touched her hair subconsciously to straighten it a bit. "It looks a hot mess right now," she murmured.
He grabbed her hand, bringing it to his lips to kiss it before he brought her hand to his chest and kissed her lips again. He wrapped his arms around her body, enjoying the silk material underneath his skin.
He pulled his lips back from hers, looking down at her with heavy eyes. He wanted to be inside of her so badly right now, but knew it was not the time. "I love your hair," he repeated. "You look good."
"You look good," she said quietly.
His cheeks warmed before he leaned down, kissing her lips again as he led her over the small couch in his office.
When he gently pushed her down on the couch, and he sat down beside her, she pulled back from his lips with a blush on her cheeks. "Have you really not slept with anyone else?" she asked in a timid voice.
Syaoran pushed her down on the couch, climbing on top of her.
She rests her hand on his chest, looking up at him with pursed lips. "Answer me," she said stubbornly.
He clenched his jaw, feeling his heart flutter in excitement at her question. "Are you, by any chance, jealous?" he asked teasingly.
The red in her cheeks darkened even more and she pushed against him to get up. "It's not funny."
He grabbed her hands, pinning them on the couch underneath her. He leaned down, kissing her jaw. "There's no one I'd rather have under me like this," he whispered against her skin before he dragged his tongue down to her neck.
Her breath caught in her throat as she stopped struggling to get free. "J-Just answer the question."
"Of course I haven't. I don't want to either," he said, kissing her neck gently.
Her breathing picked up as she closed her eyes. "What have you been doing to stop your urges?" she asked, keeping her eyes from his.
Syaoran watched her chest heave up and down faster. "Look at me and I'll tell you," he said, sliding his hand up her body to her chest.
She closed her eyes for a moment before looking in his eyes.
He smirked, kissing back up her neck to her lips as he hovered over her. Their eyes locked with each other's as he kissed her lips briefly. "Thoughts of you and me…in here, naked and sweating," he said against her lips. "On this couch."
He closed the gap between their lips, squeezing her right breast gently.
She moaned against his mouth, making him pull back. "But, we're taking it slow," he said tauntingly, lifting from her body. He pulled her up with him. "I've masturbated to thoughts of you since you've been gone. I would never betray you like that," he said, caressing her face.
"Okay," she said softly.
"Do you believe me?" he asked.
She swallowed, nodding her head a little. "Kind of."
"I'll take that for now," he said, kissing her lips again.
She laughed softly, pulling back from his lips. "You're not going to stop, are you?"
He frowned, looking at her sadly. "It's been...three long weeks. Of course I won't stop," he said, grabbing the back of her neck to pull her face towards his again in a deep kiss.
When she closed her eyes and opened her mouth for him, he slid his tongue in her mouth, tasting her for the first time in three weeks.
He groaned in delight and reached behind her to find the zipper of her dress. He played with it for a moment before sliding it down a little.
He untangled their tongues and stopped when he heard her moan in protest. He looked at her, wondering what was bothering her.
Once she controlled her panting, she looked back at the door. "Let's just go to your place. I don't want a repeat of last time," she said.
His heart leapt in joy as he helped her up.
"Where's your scarf and purse again?"
With each caress his lips made on her skin, her body burned with desire, but her heart ached with guilt.
Syaoran had been so honest, pouring his heart out to her like that back at the hospital. This was the only thing she could do in return of his kindness; show him how much she wanted him.
She knew coming to his place would further lead him into believing they would be together, but she wanted this too. It was selfish and wrong.
Selfish because they were here right now, just for her. He wanted her here because he believed they would be together. She had been stringing his emotions along all night, giving him false hope that they could be together.
She did not have to let him kiss her like this; touch her like she meant the world to him. And she certainly did not have to tell him that they would start something, but would have to take things slow when she knew they would not.
She meant the stuff about her needing to work on herself first and he needed to work on him too, but not the working on themselves together.
He may have taken things slow if she had not suggested them coming to his place, but she could not help it.
Three weeks without his touch, his lips, and his scent was her undoing. So, yes, she took the opportunity the moment he started seducing her into making love with him.
She just did not know how this night would end, especially with his emotions so invested in every touch he made, every kiss he gave her, and every word he spoke.
After his declaration of wanting to have kids, and having already set up an appointment, she knew he was all in, and not just for the sex.
She was stuck, once again.
"What's wrong, baby?" he asked, coming back up from her neck to look in her eyes. "You're distracted."
She could feel her cheeks warm as she wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him down to her lips. She kissed him passionately, letting her hands move up to his buttons so she could start unbuttoning the white shirt.
He grabbed her fingers gently, pulling back from her lips. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want to. I know you said you wanted to take us slow," he said gently.
This was her opportunity to stop this. Stop it before she hurt him again like she had all this time; even tonight with her hurtful statements.
Looking in his longing amber eyes made her forget that, though. She just wanted to be one with him again. She wanted to feel him one last time and have some type of closure and then she would be done.
"I want you," she whispered, pulling him down to kiss her.
And he let her finish unbuttoning his shirt.
"I want you too," he said after pulling back from her lips with a smile on his lips.
She needed to stop this, yet she still slid her fingers down his chiseled chest, making him shudder on top of her.
"You know..." He made her sit up on the bed so he could unzip her dress. "I was thinking when you said I needed to fix myself."
He pulled the rest of the dress down, revealing her bare breast.
Her cheeks warmed, seeing his hungry eyes stare at them. He leaned down, taking her right breast in his mouth, sucking on it gently.
She moaned quietly, burying her head in the soft pillow under her head. When his tongue swirled around the sensitive bud, his name slipped past her mouth.
"Goodness, I missed these," he said once he pulled back as he grabbed the other breast, pinching her nipple.
He switched to her other breast, giving it the same amount of attention. As he pleasured her breasts, his other hand made to pull the rest of her dress down gently, not wanting to tear it.
She helped him get it off, leaving her in her green lace panties. She reached down to unbuckle his belt when he kissed back up to her collarbone, sucking on the place that was oddly sensitive for her.
Once she got the belt loose, her hands made to unbuckle his dress pants. "W-what about your thoughts on that?" she asked, needing a distraction from the nagging voice in the back of her head telling her to stop while they still could.
"That woman...I have to confront the situation, don't I?" he asked, dragging his finger down her torso to her navel teasingly.
She swallowed, closing her eyes as she shivered. "R-right," she stuttered, anticipation growing in her nether regions as his fingers teased the top of the lacy material.
"I should talk to her eventually, shouldn't I?" he asked quietly, stopping his fingers from teasing her.
Her eyes widened, not believing he had said that of all things.
Just a month ago, he could not even say her name. Actually, he still could not say her name, it seemed.
Sakura looked at him, seeing his eyes avoid hers. "Syaoran," she called softly.
He let out a forced laugh, shaking his head. "Like I'll ever be able to do that," he said, leaning down to kiss her, but she turned away from his lips.
"Are you planning to?" she asked.
"I don't know," he said quietly.
"Do you want to?"
"No," he answered immediately.
"But?" she asked softly.
He sighed, shaking his head with a sad smile on his face. "I don't know...something just tells me it's the right thing to do," he said sadly.
And this here was the reason she knew that this should stop right now. He was opening up to her, showing her the vulnerable side that no one else had ever seen. Yet, she could not stop him.
"Okay," she whispered, running her hands through his hair soothingly. "We'll figure something out."
He smiled, nodding his head, and then leaned down to kiss her lips as his hand grabbed the waistband of her panties, pulling them down slowly. His lips trailed down her face again the further he pulled her panties down, until she kicked them off when they reached her ankles. His face stopped at her stomach.
He kissed around her navel teasingly, as his hands caressed her hipbones gently. "Why aren't you ready for a relationship?" he suddenly asked against her skin in the quiet room.
Her breath hitched in her throat, caught off guard by that question. She had not expected him to be so bold and ask her that at a time like this.
"Tell me, please," he said in a demanding, yet desperate tone.
Only Syaoran.
Because he was being so open and honest with her today about everything, this was the least she could do for him. Even in this awkward predicament.
"It's hard to...trust people. In a serious relationship, you're supposed to be able to show a side of yourself to a person that no one else may ever see. That side of me just happens to be...toxic for the person I get with and myself," she said.
Syaoran's lips stopped caressing her skin and he looked up at her. "What do you mean?" he asked.
"I just...I would only enable my partner, if he were to have a problem."
She only seemed to attract problematic people in her life, so she just assumed that she was not ready to get into a relationship until she could handle her own issues. There was no way she could tell Syaoran that, though.
"Say you were to hit me...I won't see a problem with it, because I'll see reasons why you did it. When I see why a person commits an action, I understand them and forgive them over and over again in hopes that they won't do it again when they tell me they won't—"
"I would never hit you, though," Syaoran interrupted with a frown on his face.
She smiled sadly, nodding her head. "I know, but it's not just that scenario. It's any scenario. Even if you were to cheat on me...I know it would be because of your condition, so I would forgive you...so I can't do that. I value myself way more than that, and because I know that I am like that in a relationship, I'd rather not be in one until I can fix that problem," she said.
"I would never cheat on you either, baby. You're too special for that," he said, kissing her stomach softly.
"I know. It's just...I want that problem fixed," she said, shivering at the contact.
"How would you fix that, though?" he asked.
She went silent at that, not even sure herself. She just knew that she needed to face the thing that caused the problem to begin with. And then she would go from there.
"I don't know," she said. "You're the first person I've ever told that to before, so...I hope that I can trust you with that information."
"Of course you can. I would never betray or take advantage of that," he said.
"Thank you..." she said quietly.
"Why...why didn't you tell me about that time at night?" he asked sadly.
She froze under him, not believing he had just asked her that out of the blue. He even asked it as if it had been bothering him for a while. "W-What time?" she asked, deciding to play dumb.
"2:37," he said without any hesitation.
"H-how...did you..." She was at a loss for words, not understanding.
"What happens at 2:37? I've seen you react..." he said.
She was quiet for a moment, trying to remember a time where he had seen her experience that moment. She may have in the beginning of their affair, but she had stopped overtime when she began to feel safe with him.
Maybe he had in the beginning, but did not feel comfortable asking until now, she concluded.
She swallowed, closing her eyes. "It's the time that Eichii strangled me..." she said quietly. "I don't experience it as much anymore since we've been involved with each other, though."
"I want to keep you safe from that—everything, including your own demons..." he whispered, caressing her hipbone again with his fingertips.
"Thank you..." she whispered, knowing that he meant that with all his heart.
"Is this why you're not ready for a relationship either?" he asked.
"Yes...I don't want to depend on you to make me feel good all the time. I want to get to a point where I can feel good by myself, because you may not always be around to make me," she said.
"I would try my best to, though," he said.
She lost her train of thoughts when his lips started kissing lower slowly. She hummed, sitting up slightly on her elbows, so she could see him. "H-how?" she asked, feeling her cheeks warm when he spread her legs open for him.
When he stared between her legs for too long, she attempted to close them, feeling self-conscious about herself, but he stopped her.
"Don't cover yourself from me. You're beautiful—everything about you is," he said, leaning down between her legs to kiss her.
She blushed, watching him place teasing kisses all over her bare skin before he used his fingers to spread her lips.
She could not hold back the moan when he licked her from bottom to top a few times slowly. His tongue began to tease the pleasure bud by licking slow circles around it before speeding up.
She closed her eyes, feeling them roll to the back of her head when his tongue began to directly stroke her clit back and forth quickly. The moment his lips closed around it, sucking gently, her hips bucked, and she almost came immediately.
His sucking remained gentle, yet he used the tip of his tongue to circle around her clit quickly, sending her over the edge quickly as soon as he slid a single digit into her.
When his licking and fingering did not stop, she trembled under him, screaming his name, as she was extra sensitive. Yet, he kept going.
"S-Syao—!" When he curled his finger inside of her, she stiffened underneath him, feeling herself come again uncontrollably.
She fell back on the bed, panting loudly as she tried to catch her breath.
Syaoran kissed up her body slowly until he reached her forehead.
"I-I—"
"You don't have to apologize for feeling good," he said, before kissing her lips hard.
She kissed him back, tasting herself on his lips as she moved her hand down to pull his pants down.
He grabbed her hand, stopping her. "We don't have to do this, if you don't want to. We can still stop," he reminded her again.
She wanted to pull her hair out in frustration at his actions. He was being too good to her, yet she would still not give him a chance.
She should stop this.
Her eyes fell down between them to the raging erection Syaoran had. How could she possibly tell him they should stop when he had given her a release, while he suffered?
She swatted his hand away and pulled the rest of his pants down, along with his boxers. She pushed him over to the side so she could climb on top of him. Looking him in the eyes, she sat down on his erection, making him groan. "Do you want this?" she asked in a seductive tone, grinding her wet core against him.
He moaned, trying to move along with her. "A-are you sure? This isn't just about the sex anymore," he said, looking up at her.
Despite his efforts to convince her of that, she could still see the look in his eyes, begging her to ride him into oblivion.
"I know," she said quietly, reaching down to grab him and position herself over him.
And she did know. She knew that he would make love to her with the intent of them being together; building a future together.
He sat up, making her sit directly on his lap before she could do anything else. "You know...I think there's something more to this," he said, caressing her hair.
She looked him square in eyes, wondering what he meant by that. He sure was being random tonight, she noticed.
"Us...how do we keep being in this same predicament when we try so hard to end us? It was me first, rejecting you and ignoring all your efforts in the beginning...and now, you're rejecting me and ignoring all of my efforts," he said, sliding his hands down to her neck.
"I'm not ignoring your efforts, because I see them," she said, shivering at his touch.
"Then, why? Why aren't you acknowledging them? Why haven't you tried us out yet?"
Because I'm scared!
"I don't know...I just..." She sighed. "Can we just make love?"
She could see his cheeks color in the dim room at her question. "Make love, huh..." he said sheepishly.
She smiled, nodding her head. "That's what it's been feeling like since...I can't even remember," she said.
He smiled, kissing her lips gently. "You're right," he agreed.
Stop it, Sakura, now! You know this will get either of you nowhere.
"Your love is better than any love I've ever experienced before, so I...don't ever want to lose it," he said, wrapping his arms around her body, pulling her flesh against his. He squeezed her tightly, almost appearing afraid she might just disappear if he let her go.
And that's when she realized she could not leave him. There was no way she could leave him alone in this world. She wanted to be here for him when no one else is. She wanted to be the one behind him, supporting him in everything he did.
Only she could give him this love that he needed.
And she would, she decided.
Abandoning all thoughts of not giving him a chance just second ago, she slid her fingers in his soft hair, pulling his face closer to hers so she could kiss him with as much passion that she ever had before.
She would try with him. She wanted them to work, so she would compromise until they were both ready to be in a relationship. She would put in as much effort as he had been over these months, she promised herself.
He flipped them over so he could straddle her body as she looked up at him. He positioned himself over her entrance, but she stopped him before he could finally bury himself inside of her for the first time in a long time. "You won't ever lose it," she promised, meaning it with all her heart.
When she saw the huge grin on his face, she knew she had made him the happiest man alive.
"I promise you won't regret giving it to me either," he said before pushing himself inside her to make them one.
"Please, Eichii! You don't want to do this!" she exclaimed, grabbing his arm as he tried to yank it back from her. He still stroked her, though.
"I...I can't do it anymore, Sakura. I can't live with these thoughts anymore. I can't live, knowing that I..." He stopped, trembling under her touch after she grabbed his arm again to stop his assaults.
"Knowing what, babe? We can talk about it now. Maybe it'll make you feel better," she said, wrapping an arm around his back.
Eichii's eyes watered, breaking her heart even further. "I can't. It won't! Just, please! I want it to stop. Make it stop! Make it all stop!" he yelled, pushing her away roughly and covering his ears suddenly.
Because she was caught off guard, she bumped into the wall, screaming when her back made contact with it.
She was on her feet in mere seconds, at his side again, ignoring the pain like she always did. She knew not to touch him this time.
"Calm down—"
"Don't you dare fucking tell me to calm down, bitch! It's your fault I'm in this predicament anyway!" he spat, glaring at her.
Her breath caught in her throat as her eyes watered at his cruel statement. His mood swings were only getting worst, she noticed. "Eichii—"
"Don't call me that. You should've never told me it was a good idea to go out there—you should've never encouraged it. If you never encouraged it, I wouldn't have gone, I wouldn't have saw what I saw; experienced what I experienced...I..." He stopped, suddenly storming out of the kitchen.
Sakura was quick to follow him, afraid of what he might do next. This was not the first or even the tenth time he had one of these moments.
It had been months since he started acting like this. Despite it being this long, she still could not register that her Eichii would even be capable of acting and treating her this way.
He had been the sweetest man alive before he left the country. He had been the man of her dreams; the one she wanted to spend the rest of her life with.
But, now...he was the complete opposite of what she wanted.
"Eichii! Don't you dare do anything stupid," she called after him as she followed him to their room.
He slammed the door in her face, locking it before she could go in with him.
She knocked on the door gently, not wanting to cause a ruckus. Loud noises were one of his triggers. She had learned that the hard way with a hand and shove to the kitchen counter.
When he did not respond, the panic began to rise in her chest as she knocked on the door again calmly. "Eichii, babe, open the door. We can talk about this," she said.
No response.
Her breathing picked up and she began to shake the door knob, trying to get it to open. "Eichii!" she yelled.
He would normally let her talk him down from his episodes before he did anything stupid, with the exception of a few failed times.
"So help me, Eichii. Don't make me break down this door," she exclaimed, feeling her patience run dry.
The door unlocked, getting rid of the unsettling feeling in her chest. She opened the door immediately and nearly ran to him as he sat on the bed with his head down.
She wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tightly. "Don't do that again. You know how I feel when you lock yourself in a room," she whispered in his neck.
"I'm sorry..." he said quietly, leaning into her touch. "I just..."
"Shhh, don't talk," she whispered, stroking his hair.
"I'm just so tired..." he spoke anyway, sounding exhausted.
For some reason, it sounded like he was referring to something else, other than lack of sleep. She looked past it, though, pushing him back on the bed to rest.
She helped him under the covers before sliding under them with him, not caring that they were fully clothed. She cuddled up to his body, holding him tightly. "It's okay," she whispered in his ear.
"I just can't keep living this way," he said, ignoring her encouraging words.
"We'll figure something out tomorrow. Let's get some rest now," she said, ignoring the signs that she should be paying attention to. She had been ignoring them for months now, thinking she could get him past this.
"Sakura, I love you...you know that, right? Things would be so much more different if I...if you...everything would be different if we could..."
Sakura could not understand what he was trying to say, so she hugged him tightly, stroking his hair. "Tomorrow, we'll get this sorted out, okay? Just rest," she said quietly.
"I hit you again, though...you're hurt," he said sadly.
"I'm okay," she said, despite her back stinging from the earlier push. "You didn't mean to."
"I still hurt you, though..." he said sadly.
"I'm okay, alright? Stop worrying about me and just focus on you," she said.
He sighed, nodding his head against her.
Sakura held him until she was sure that he had fallen asleep.
At this point, she was not sure what she could do. She had done everything she could. Anything that bothered him, she fixed it. She rearranged their entire apartment when he complained about it. She had the entire place painted a different color, all the furniture changed—everything.
She adjusted her life to his, took a semester off and everything to accommodate his needs. Nothing seemed to work for him.
She was determined to get him better, though. She would do whatever she had to do to get him better.
Whatever it takes...
She could feel herself drifting off to sleep not too long after that thought, hoping that she could figure out a way to help him get past this—whatever it was.
Just when that darkness swallowed her whole, she could hear a faint voice from the distant whisper, "I'm sorry," before something cold and wet wrapped around her neck tightly.
Her eyes flew open immediately, coming in contact with dull blue eyes as her mouth opened slightly. "Ei...chi—" She grabbed his arm tightly, trying her best to pull his grip from her neck.
When his grip did not loosen, she started to panic as she thrashed under him, trying to gain control of the situation. His hold took the air she could breathe, along with her voice to snap him out of his trance, because that's exactly what he is in right now.
The more she struggled, the harder his grip tightened around her neck, making her eyes feel like they would bulge out of her sockets.
She attempted to gasp, but she could feel her very last breath approaching as her head almost exploded with heat the tighter he held her.
After digging her nails into his arms weakly one last time, she realized he would not stop blocking the oxygen from entering the wind pipes that supports her brain and organ.
Her hands weakly fell from his arms, as her body gave up on the losing battle.
Everything went black as she felt herself slipping into that place that everyone approached when facing death.
"Sakura," she faintly heard a distant voice call.
'Huh?'
"Fuck, Sakura, baby, can you hear me? Are you there?" the voice kept talking as she suddenly saw her own body lying on the bed with a man shaking her gently.
'Is that...me?'
"Fuck! Wake up, baby!" The man attempted to breathe life into her mouth, but her body remained motionless.
Sakura stared at her own body lying on the bed, wondering what the hell was going on.
She was watching herself lie unconscious on the bed with her fiancé trying to wake her as he performed CPR on her. She could not make a move to tell him that she was there. She could only watch as she felt something hold her body in place from stopping the scene.
"Fuck!" Eichii stopped, jumping off the bed as he paste back and forth in the room, swearing under his breath before he ran to the dresser beside their bed. He grabbed the phone off the desk, dialing a number.
He tapped his feet impatiently before he spoke into the phone. "Hello? Yes, m-my fiancée, she, she's—unconscious! I think she's dead, just please, get here now!" he panicked, running his hand through his hair frustrated. "Please, just get here now!" He hung the phone up, rushing back to her side.
He caressed her hair before grabbing her nose gently and blowing into her mouth again repeatedly. When he saw that would not work, he went to pump against her chest repeatedly. "Come on, baby," he said, almost starting to look like a maniac, trying to wake her up.
Sakura just stared at the scene, wondering when this darkness would release her to calm him, yet she made no move or attempt to tell him anything.
"Fuck! I can't live without you, Sakura. I need you to get up," he yelled in her face, now shaking her vigorously when he realized his attempts would not work.
He cried out as tears welled in his eyes.
Watching the scene, Sakura still could not move to calm him. For some reason, she wanted this all to end like this. Her misery of being with him, the abuse, and the torment that she lives in everyday because of him. She could not take it anymore.
So, she thought, as she watched him attempt to wake her, she would be better off dead and away from this all. And maybe, he would even move on and not be reminded of his past because of her.
And that's when she realized she was making a conscious decision in accepting death.
"I-I'm sorry, Sakura," the voice said, making her look up at the scene.
She gasped, seeing him pull a gun out of the drawer beside their bed.
When he held the gun to his head, she panicked, trying to break free of the dark entity holding her back now.
'No! Stop!' she yelled from the top of her lungs, yet her voice was mute to her own ears.
"I love you," he whispered, looking at her before pulling the trigger.
As if the dark entity was satisfied with the scene, it released her, letting her run over to the bed where they were.
She stepped back into her own body, waking up, gasping for oxygen, yet her body could not move.
She heard sirens outside of the door as she continued to try and catch her breath before everything went black again.
"Sakura," a voice called softly, making her sit up, gasping for breath.
Cool air slapped her skin as the covers fell down her body along with a strong arm. She looked in the direction of the arm, only to see that it was Syaoran who had called her name in his sleep.
She took a deep breath and then released it, trying to catch her breath. Looking around the dim lit room, she noticed that she was in Syaoran's room still. "Okay," she whispered, trying to get herself together.
She had not had that dream in a long time, so she did not even know what to do to calm herself down. Her heart felt like it would jump out of her chest, just as much as her lungs burned like fire.
She closed her eyes, running a sweaty hand down her soaked face.
She could not do this anymore. She should have never come here with Syaoran tonight, she noted, feeling the tears well in her eyes.
Every time she cared about a person so much and decided to give them a chance, she was reminded of how much she loved and what extent she would go to for a person.
She could not experience that again and create another trauma that would scar her forever like the last. She had no doubts that she would go to the ends of the Earth for Syaoran now.
She needed to get out of here, because she felt suffocated. She felt trapped; like she was actually being strangled by the situation. This was too much for her right now.
When movement beside her was made, she quickly laid back down on his chest, pretending to be sleep. She could not face him right now after that dream.
She needed out without any more trouble. She had to stop this, even if it meant hurting Syaoran in the long run. She would thank herself later for it, and hopefully he would too.
A/N: Soo, I still didn't get to respond to reviews even after last Wednesday when I took my last final, because I suck. Something came up again, which stopped me from getting this chapter finished, as usual (Life's so freaking annoying, ugh). Because I've been stuck at the hospital all week with my sister, I was able to get this chapter started and finished within a few days. I'm going to try and get another chapter or two (three, with my fingers crossed) out before the year is out!
Thank you guys so much for the support, because your support really pushes me to keep going with writing these days lol. I'm going to end the author's note here, so I can get this chapter posted and possibly respond to some of the reviews :P.
I do wonder if I'm the only one here who's ever had an out of body experience before...(not a dream, but the actual experience)
Ja ne!