1 January 1641
The nausea seems to come and go, but mostly I just feel exhausted. I'm glad I can still do what I need to do, even though I all but fall into bed at the end of each day. I know my husband wanted to know as soon as I did, but I'm not sure yet, and I'll know when I get my bleeding (or don't!). I've been getting my bleeding more consistently, so I'm expecting it soon. If I don't bleed, then I'll know it's a baby.
I hope it's a baby. I dream about my future children sometimes. I have these beautiful dreams about my wonderful future family sometimes. I used to dream about standing next to my sister, across from my mama. Or, I think it's my mama, anyways, how she looked when she was my age then-about seventeen. In those dreams, I felt so wonderful and warm, and my mama was right there in front of me. I feel the same way in the dreams now, warm and happy with my new family.
I'm excited for this new year. It's going to be wonderful!
4 January 1641
I wrote today with Grace. She's very nice. We worked together on learning Russian. I used to know better Russian than I do now. Grace doesn't know any, but she's game to learn. I like Grace a lot. She's curious, like me. We both like to learn new things and read about the most recent discoveries. We spent a while working on getting the lettering just right, because it's a whole different alphabet! There's more letters in their alphabet too. Maybe I'll send something to Kitty in Russian! I think she remembers it better than I do. I'll never speak as many languages as my mama, but I can try to learn some of them!
I confided some in Grace about my mama. My ladies know I was raised by my aunt, even though she wasn't my aunt before she was my mama. I just talked a bit about how much I miss her some days, and how I'm sad she won't be around to help me raise my children. They don't know anything about my birth parents or what exactly my mama did for me. Only Kitty and Kurloz know the whole story, I think, of when I ran away and nearly died.
Kurloz doesn't really know the whole story, though. Not even Kitty does. Only my mama knows about how I thought she was an angel come to take me to heaven, and how I had nightmares for years later. Maybe I should talk about it with him. It might help me feel better.
8 January 1641
Today my darling and I talked about my story of how I ran away and got ill.
"My dear, I want to tell you something. I think it'll help us talk about how we raise our children," I said.
"Of course," he said, sitting on the edge of his bed, so I sat next to him.
"I know you know I ran away from my birth parents, but I want you to know the whole story. Kitty's and my-Nepeta's and my parents, they starved us. They let us go hungry when there was plenty of food. I was so skinny I could count my ribs. I was eleven and I didn't know what else to do, but I knew I needed to get away. So I ran away. I left home in March and ran into the village, since it was close by. But I was too small and skinny and I had no food, and I-I got sick. I don't remember all of it. But I was sick and alone and hungry and it was cold and I had nothing to keep me warm, so I-I nearly died. I was in Sheppard's Alley, covered in mud, screaming, when my mama found me. She got me warm and fed me and treated me, and took care of me. I went back for my sister a month later.
"So, I just wanted to tell you, because I know it's strange but it means a lot to me. I want to be there for our children. It matters to me a lot that we always take care of them. I never want them to feel like they need to run away."
He sat very still for a while, then said, "Thank you for telling me. I agree that we should take care of our children ourselves. But you're noble now. We have nurses and tutors for our children and that's good!"
"It is good. But I want them to come to us if they're frightened."
He nodded seriously and took my hand. "I love you, my dear. We'll take care of our children."
I felt much better having told him and we had a lovely night together. He's so sweet.
13 January 1641
Magdalena and Grace and I painted today. We do a fair bit of painting because it requires a lot of practice. I am getting better! I've made a couple of half-decent landscapes. Magdalena and Grace must have known each other before, because I see Grace relax around Magdalena. I'm not sure Magdalena has ever been shy in her life! I envy her.
We talked about not much while we painted. It was a good day. It's cold, but I feel warm inside these days.
17 January 1641
I feel a bit strange right now. My darling seemed stressed and irritable again today. I was with him in court and nothing specific seems to have happened, so I'm not sure why. I hope it's not me. I know he spends a lot of time worrying about me and I don't want to be the source of his stress.
I love him a lot. I want to help him and make him happy. I hope he knows I'm here for him.
20 January 1641
I told him today I was worried about him, because of all the stress. He sighed and I watched all the tension fall out of him.
"I am tired," he said. "Do you think you can…I don't know. Just remind me you love me?"
"Of course," I said. I'm pretty tired myself, but he needs support more than me right now. He's under a lot of pressure. "I love you. You're a wonderful man and I love you."
"Thank you, dear. I love you too."
I thought it might help to hold him, but he wasn't up for it. He rarely is, so I suppose that wasn't unusual. Kitty doesn't like hugs at all, so I can't blame him. I'd feel better if we cuddled more, but that's just me.
24 January 1641
My bleeding should be coming soon. I was sick again today-I was almost late to court. And my breasts ache! I had it last time, but I think it's worse this time. I didn't used to like my breasts, but I do now, and it's no fun that they hurt. Apparently they get a bit swollen and even more sore towards the end.
But the nausea is much worse. I woke up today and the first thing that happened was that I had to throw up, and then I just sat on the floor and felt terrible for a while. I think it's only supposed to be three months or so before these things calm down, but it's still terribly unpleasant.
I need some rest.
28 January 1641
I haven't gotten my bleeding, so I told my husband today, but it went strangely.
"Pregnant? Are you sure?"
I nodded.
"Meulin, that's wonderful," he said with a smile. "I'm so happy."
"Me too. But it doesn't feel wonderful right now."
"How do you mean?" He sounded so concerned.
"I'm ill. I threw up this morning, and I'm very tired, and my breasts hurt. It'll be a month or two before I feel better, and then the end of the pregnancy is pretty bad, too."
"It's bad? Then why are you doing it?" he asked, sounding angry.
"Because it's worth it. I want children! I'm excited to have our babies."
"Is it worth all the illness?" he snapped.
"Of course," I said, feeling confused. "What's wrong?"
"Well, I don't want you to suffer," he said sarcastically.
"Kurloz, I don't know what you're so upset about, but having children is hard on a body, but that doesn't mean it's not worth it."
"I'm not mad!" he all but yelled. "I have work to do." He stomped off to his desk to work.
Later at night, he apologized and told me he was excited and happy. He didn't seem completely sincere, but it's hard to be sure. I usually know what people are thinking, but I'm not always sure with him.
31 January 1641
I'm trying to be careful with the baby, of course, but I do want to go see my sister soon. I wrote her to tell her I'm pregnant and she's very excited! I miss Kitty and I want to make sure she's alright. It's cold and by this time of winter, people are running low on food. I want to make sure she has enough food and that she's warm and that she's not overworking herself. I can't help but worry. I love my sister. I'll always worry about her.
2 February 1641
My darling and I had a big fight today. I feel terrible about it.
"My dear, I'm thinking of going to see my sister soon."
"Meulin, you're pregnant! We talked about this."
"I know you're worried, but walking one cold day won't cause a miscarriage."
"You haven't been resting at all! I told you you need rest, and you're not listening!"
"I don't always have to listen to you! I'm your wife, not your servant. I know more about pregnancy than you do!"
"Meulin, I worry about you! You're so high-strung and nervous and one of these days you'll get yourself hurt! Your sister is fine. She's doing fine! You need to rest."
"It's not just that! I want to see my sister. She's my sister!"
"Is that more important than our baby?"
"No, of course not!"
"So if she doesn't need you, then why are you going?"
"Because-I-I don't know!"
"Then can't you just stay here? Please?" He sounded so tired and worried.
"Alright," I said. "I'll stay until the baby is born and rest."
"Thank you," he said. "How about we lie down now? I don't want you on your feet too much."
I let him guide me to bed and we just lay there for a while. I don't know why he's so fussed, but if it makes him feel better, I can stay here for nine months. I'll just write Kitty more often. I already write her at least once a week. If she needs anything, I can send someone for her.
6 February 1641
I wrote Kitty today to explain that I won't be able to come visit her again until I've had my baby. I hope she doesn't worry too much. Growing a baby is hard work. It's good that my love insists I rest, or else I'm sure I'd exhausted myself. I'm going to be very careful with myself so my baby is safe inside me. I intend to always take care of my baby, starting now.
I've been thinking about names, too. Most of our child's names will be inherited, but I want them to have something from my family, too. I want a daughter to have my mother's name as a middle name, and a son to have my maiden name as a middle name. I've been thinking of first names, too, but haven't settled on anything yet. I like Violet for a girl, or Joan, and William or Benjamin for a boy.
I wish my mama was here. I always wanted her to be with me when I had my babies. I wish she could be with me now, when I'm getting ready to have my first one. She'd know what to do to keep me safe and well. She'd know.
10 February 1641
We talked a little bit about names today. Kurloz has a lot of other names I didn't know about, because that's how nobles are, and most of them will be passed on to our son. There's also a collection of names for girls we'll pass on, too. He's alright with a daughter having Dianna as one middle name, although he's not happy about it because of things between his father and my mother. He's much less happy about giving our son my maiden name as a middle name, because it's the name of another noble family. I suppose he's right, but I don't have anything else to pass on. My name is all I have that's my own, not mine and my husband's.
I don't think I had other names. All I have is Meulin née Leijon. I don't mind being Meulin Makara, but I want to remember Leijon.
13 February 1641
I feel restless staying in the castle all the time. Kurloz doesn't want me riding horses, which I'm only just learning to do anyways, so I hardly leave the castle. I try to spend some time in the courtyard most days, to get some fresh air, but Kurloz worries even about that.
It gets under my skin, sometimes. I understand he's worried, but lots of pregnant women work up until the day they give birth. I'm trying to keep calm about it. I think it's mostly the pregnancy. I know how irritable pregnancy can make people. I'd best keep that in mind and stay calm.
17 February 1641
I used to hear from Kitty every week, but I've been getting fewer letters from her later. She must be busy. The whole village is relying on her, and she must be busy all the time. She probably doesn't have time to write me back. I talked with Kurloz about it, and he suggested writing her a bit less to keep from adding to her work. I wasn't sure, but he persuaded me it was a good idea. I don't want to make my sister feel like my letters are another burden on her when she's carrying so much already.
I'm very tired. I should get some rest.
20 February 1641
I painted today with Ellen and Grace. I'm definitely getting better, but my ladies have been training their whole lives. I'm a bit jealous! I know things, but they have an education. My love knows so much more than I do. He learned so much so young. I'm so glad our children will have an education.
My love and I spent time today lying in bed, talking about our future.
"I'm so glad our children will have a real education," I said.
"I'm glad they're going to grow up so well taken care of. And I know you'll be a wonderful mother."
"Thank you, dear. You'll be a wonderful father yourself." I sighed. "I am looking forward to going for walks again, though."
He frowned. "What's wrong?"
"I like going for walks, is all. I miss my sister, too. It's just nice to get some fresh air and stretch my legs once in a while."
"I thought we agreed you were going to rest while you're pregnant."
"I am! I am resting. But once I've had the baby, it'll be nice to see Kitty again."
"Meulin, we're going to have a baby to care for."
"Oh, of course," I said. "I'd bring the baby with me. Nepeta should meet her little niece or nephew!"
He looked like he was going to pass out from shock. "You'd just take our baby away?"
"I'd carry our baby during the day to my own sister," I explained.
"My goodness," he said. "Would you at least agree to take a carriage?"
"Alright," I said. "Love, it's going to be wonderful having a baby. It feels scary now, but once our little one's here, it'll be different. They're less fragile than you think."
He sighed again. "I think you're right. I don't mean to fuss overmuch. I just…I'd just die if anything ever happened to you or our child."
"I know. It's going to be alright, my dear."
It will be.
24 February 1641
I keep losing my damned pens! I feel like I'm losing my mind. I mentioned it to my darling, who frowned and asked if I felt alright.
"I feel fine, dear."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course."
He nodded. "Well, just let me know if you don't. I don't want to bother you, but…are you familiar with hysteria?"
"Of course. Why do you ask?" I had a sneaking suspicion.
"I've heard it can come on with pregnancy. I trust you. I'm sure you do feel fine. But please let me know if that changes."
"I will," I said. I don't ever tell people I think they have hysteria, because I think it comes out as dismissive, but I know it's a disease. I don't think I have it, but I am losing pens and getting irritable with people. Maybe my mind is going a bit. I hope my husband can help me stay sane.
27 February 1641
I'm about two months pregnant! It's very exciting. I think most miscarriages happen before three months, so I only have one more month to go. It's also usually better after three months, too. Less vomit and pain.
My ladies are quite delighted. None of them are married, so I'm the only one who even could be pregnant. Grace loves to talk about how fun it'll be to have a baby, and Magdalena all but squeals over how cute my little one will be.
I asked Ellen today if she thought I was acting strange at all. She said I was acting more nervous as of late. Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me. It makes me nervous.
1 March 1641
I keep feeling my belly and remembering that I have a baby growing inside me! I'm not showing at all, yet, and only my love and my ladies know. I asked him not to tell his parents yet, because I would rather keep it to myself until I'm at least three months along.
Magdelena is so excited for me. She's the youngest and she said she's so excited to meet my baby. But thank goodness, it's not all we talk about. It makes me feel better to know that even though I'm going to be a mother, I'm still me. I'm going to have a beautiful little baby, but I'm still going to be Meulin. I'm still going to be learning to paint, riding horses, talking with my ladies, writing with Grace. I'm still me.
4 March 1641
My darling and I had a lovely dinner today, just the two of us. We don't often get to have a meal together alone, because of the guests and the family and everyone else, but today we did. We laughed together about court today and the Earl Southby's ridiculous ways.
"He'd be less absurd if he did any research," my husband said.
"And his boots! I can hardly keep from laughing," I agreed. "He's so dramatic, too! 'Good Lords and Ladies, honorable people…"
My love's eyes wrinkled up with laughter. "You'd think he'd learn, but every time! Every time he comes to the court, he's like that."
"I used to think court was fascinating, you know?" I said. "When we were first married, before we had it every single day."
"To me, it was always dull," he said. "Ever since I was a child."
"They brought you to court as a child?"
"Oh yes. Not every day, not even most days. Most days I was with my tutors. But once or twice a week, I had to put in an appearance. It was always dull."
"My goodness, I can't imagine sitting inside for that long. I was always outside."
"Really? Even when you were with your parents?"
"With my birth parents, no. But as soon as I was allowed, I was outside every day. My mama loved to walk and explore the woods with us. I used to climb trees, play hide-and-seek, all of that."
He gave me a strange look. "Do you still like to walk?"
"I do. I like to get some fresh air once in a while," I said. I do-I always have. I don't know if it's because I felt trapped for so long, or because I just love the outdoors, but I love being outside.
"Are you going to go walking? Now?"
"No, I'm not, darling. I told you I wouldn't and I won't."
"No need to get snappish."
"I'm sorry," I said. "I just don't want you to worry."
He nodded. "It's alright."
It was a lovely dinner. I love talking with my darling. He's just such a kind person. I love him so much.
8 March 1641
We have some more guests coming soon, a less important duke and duchess from somewhere west of here. Having guests makes me nervous. Most people here know me, and they know that they can't always expect as much of me as they can of people raised noble. They look down their noses at me sometimes, but at least I don't have to worry quite as much about being a disappointment. When guests come, I have to be perfect. I'm always worried that I'll wear the wrong thing like I did at my wedding and just ruin everything.
I don't want to worry my love with this, because he has a thousand more things to worry about than I do. Trying to organize all the politics can be an absolute nightmare. Maybe I'll talk to him tomorrow, to see if I can help.
10 March 1641
After dinner, when we could go to our rooms, I asked my darling if there was anything I could do for him, with the guests coming and everything.
"No," he said shortly.
"I just want to help you, my dear."
"Then do your work and let me do mine."
"Darling, I'm worried."
"I'll worry about my own work. Stick to the women's work."
I considered reminding him that women's work and men's work are silly distinctions and I could do his work if he showed me how, but he seemed very on edge and I decided not to. "Alright, dear. Just remember I'm here for you."
He nodded, rather stiffly, and went to his desk to work. It hurts, a bit, when he won't let me help him. But I know everyone works out their worries differently. If he needs me, he knows I'm here for him. I want to be a good wife, and so I will be there for him when he needs me.
13 March 1641
I felt terribly unwell today. I know it's normal when one is pregnant, but I don't have to like it. I told my ladies I wasn't feeling well, but I didn't tell my husband. I don't want him to worry or think I don't want this baby with all my heart. I just want to sulk a bit about how much my stomach turns and my breasts ache.
And there's a terrible fear in my chest that I can't have children. I had enough trouble conceiving, and I've already had a couple of miscarriages. What if I can't have children at all? My darling needs to have children. I don't know what he'll do if I can't have a baby. I don't know what I'll do! I want to have children. I'm scared I can't.
I best not worry anybody by talking about it, though. I don't want to make anyone worry unnecessarily.
16 March 1641
My husband was so kind to me today. After dinner, he gave me the most lovely brooch-silver set with beautiful amethysts. I could hardly believe it.
"This must've cost a fortune."
"You're worth a fortune, Meulin," he said with the kindest smile I've ever seen. "I just wanted something for you to wear with your new cloak." My old cloak had two buttons to hold it together in the front; my new one pins at my left shoulder with a brooch.
"Thank you," I said. "It really is beautiful."
"I'm glad you like it," he said with a shy little smile. "How's the baby?"
"Fine," I said. "It's hard to know much, this early."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, the little one isn't kicking yet. That'll be in a month or two if everything is normal."
"Can you really feel the baby kicking?"
"Oh, of course. You'll be able to, too. I've felt women's babies kicking when I examine them."
He smiled again. "I'm very excited."
"Me too."
I'm so excited to have my baby. I can't wait to hold my little one in my arms and know that they're my beautiful baby, my baby with my love. It's going to be wonderful.
20 March 1641
I miss my sister very much right now. I always thought I'd have my babies with my sister around to help me. I haven't seen her in so long. I know I can't go see her, and we do write letters, but it's not the same as seeing her every day in person. It's not the same as being pregnant with Kitty there to help me.
I do feel like I hear from her less often these days. Maybe she's just busy. She's feeding the village on her own. I doubt she'd have time to write me! And I don't want her to feel like I'm imposing on her time. It feels like I'm not very good at that. I feel like I'm in everybody's way here, sometimes. Everyone else knows what they're doing and I'm a common girl who doesn't even know completely how to be a common woman. I didn't get to learn everything from my mama before she died. I had to figure it out myself. I don't even know how to be common; how can I be a good noblewoman?
I suppose I have to keep trying. I'm to help redecorate the guest rooms for this duke and duchess, and I should get to it.
22 March 1641
The duke and duchess arrived today, and we had a celebratory dinner for it. It was like all the others-the delicious food, the speeches, the music and dances. The duchess seems like a nice lady. We talked a bit while my darling and his father talked with the duke, about the food and the decorations and how her trip was. I wonder how it feels to leave your children behind when you go traveling. I can't imagine it.
Although, when it's past midnight and my baby is wailing for milk, I'm sure I'll understand a bit better. I'm sure I'll want a moment to myself then!
25 March 1641
I'm so excited for my baby to kick. I sometimes go to the nursery, where the working women of the castle leave their babies during the day, just to see the little ones running around and having fun. I'm going to have a baby soon! I'm so excited some days it's all I can think about.
But today was mostly spent with the visiting duchess and my mother-in-law, making polite conversation while the men talk politics. I find myself faintly annoyed about that, but what can I do? I'm a common woman married into this powerful family. Anyways, I doubt I'd be any good at politics. I get too worked up too easily. My darling is right that I can have a bit of a short fuse!
Everything has a double meaning here, too. Sometimes when they're discussing dresses, my mother-in-law is quietly undermining a count who dislikes my father-in-law through his countess. It's not too hard to figure it out and say the right thing myself, usually, but I'm frightened to say the wrong thing and send everything to pieces.
It's been going just fine for now. The celebrations have gone off without a hitch so far, and in a day or two they'll be gone and it'll be court and services and charity and more planning for more parties.
I feel strange about charity. It's a recent addition to my responsibilities, to go with my mother-in-law and bestow gifts on the common people (or however it is they put it). It just feels odd. I don't see the point of making such an affair of it. And we could simply make the rules different so people didn't need to come for charity. But I'm helping people, which is what I've always wanted to do, so I suppose I'll do what I can. It'll be easier when the duke himself isn't around to be stern and old-fashioned and such.
28 March 1641
I asked my love today about his father.
"What do you think of his work?"
"He's a very skilled politician," he said.
"But his…his policy, I suppose. The way he conducts his business. What do you think of that?"
"I think he's doing decently," he said. "Why?"
"I just…don't think it's fair. Some of it."
"Unfair?"
"So many people have to make do with so little. It seems cruel to not help them."
"It's more complicated than that," he said. "I know this is all new to you, but my father isn't a cruel man. I respect him. He's doing what he can. I don't know if he understands the extent to which some people suffer, but he can only do so much. He is still subject to the queen."
"You understand," I said. "You've been to my village-you know what it's like there. A lot of us are fine, but some people…some people need so much more than they have."
"I do," he said. "I want to change things. I will, once I'm the duke. But it's not going to be as easy as just…fixing it."
I nodded, accepting that. I suppose he's right. I don't know, of course, but I don't know anything about how this all works. I just know that there could be more done to help people I've seen go hungry.
And I know what my darling said, but I don't trust his father at all. I understand how Kurloz could feel that his father is a good man at heart, could respect him, but I just can't. That man let my mother die. I don't know the whole story, but I know my mama didn't like the duke. I know he was there when they killed my mama's love. Maybe he's a kinder man now, or perhaps he just did a bad thing once, but I don't think I can forgive him.
That's alright. I hardly see the duke anyways, and my darling is a perfectly wonderful person. It's going to be fine, and in time we'll get to make the rules and make things better.
30 March 1641
I can't believe this. What on Earth is wrong with me? I don't understand.
I was with my ladies this afternoon, working on some embroidery with Katherine and Grace, when I felt a wave of pain through my belly. It was out of nowhere and I gasped aloud and dropped my needle.
"Meulin?" Katherine asked, looking up from her own work.
"I'm sorry," I said. "I don't know what came over me." I picked up my needle and was ready to go back to work when it washed over again and I felt the blood. I wanted to curse but not in front my ladies-I'm trying very hard to be proper. "I-I need to go back to my chambers."
"What's wrong?" Grace asked.
"I'm not sure," I lied. "I feel…very unwell."
"Come on," Katherine said, putting my arm around her shoulders. I used to think she didn't like me, but I'm coming to the conclusion that her manner is just rather brusque. "I'll call the physician."
"No," I said. "No, I don't need that. I know what to do."
"You're no doctor," Grace said gently, supporting my waist. "We'd best get someone in to have a look and make sure you don't have a fever."
I couldn't say much else without giving away things I'm not supposed to say, so I let them call for the physician and told him I just felt unwell. He frowned and left me with some strange tonic I certainly won't be taking-it has opium in it and I only use opium when I absolutely need to. It makes me nervous. It's very powerful.
Once I was alone, I just laid in bed and wept. I lost another baby. I don't know what's wrong with me. I was almost three months this time. I just want to have a baby. Why can't I? What am I doing wrong? I feel awful.
My darling found me there after he was done with his business (I didn't want to send for him and worry him) and I told him what happened. He pinched his lips together and turned away to go back to his desk. I know he's hurting too, but it hurt so badly to watch him leave like that. I didn't feel strong enough to get up and follow him, so instead I stayed in bed and felt sore and lonely and like a failure. I'm a noblewoman and a wife. What's wrong with me that I can't have a baby? What's wrong with me?