1 April 1641

I feel so awful. I don't know what's wrong with me. Everything hurts and I lost my baby. I know I want children, so why can't I have them?

Kurloz hasn't spoken to me all day. I think he's sad, too, but it hurts that he'll hardly look at me. I'm trying so hard. I'm doing everything right, I think. I'm resting and eating right and all that, and I've still lost my babies. I don't know what else I can do.

4 April 1641

I don't know what to make of this. Kurloz and I had an argument last night, but it felt different than our other ones.

"We should start trying for another baby," he said.

"Can't we wait for a month or two?" I asked. "I'm so tired."

"We can't wait," he said, sounding shocked. "Meulin, we need to have a child."

"I've had two miscarriages. My body needs a break."

"It's healthy to have children," he said.

"But it can be very dangerous," I pointed out. "And I'm so tired, Kurloz. I just want to have a child, and having lost two pregnancies…" I couldn't go on.

"Then we'll try again. We'll have a baby."

"Can't we just wait?" I asked.

"No, we can't wait," he said, like it was the stupidest thing he'd ever heard. "We need an heir."

I sighed. "Alright."

Maybe it'll take some time to conceive and I won't have to worry about this again for a while. I'm just so tired.

7 April 1641

I'm going to see my sister soon. Kurloz is worried I could be pregnant without knowing it, but I'd be days along, hardly far long enough for it to count. I miss her and I want to see her. I suppose I could stand a sympathetic ear right now. I know Kurloz is grieving in his own way. I need to talk to someone a bit further removed, someone who isn't hurting so badly right now and who can listen and make me tea. I like my ladies, but I haven't known them long and there's a lot I can't tell them. I need my sister.

Kurloz will probably be unhappy, but he'll just have to deal with it. I'm going to see my little sister.

10 April 1641

I went to see Kitty today. The walk felt harder than normal, but I'm not sure why. Maybe it's just how tired I've been since I lost my baby. My second baby.

It was so good to see her. She was tired, too. She told me she's been hunting and preparing almost nonstop, and she admitted to me she fainted the other day and she's not sure what to do.

"I want to help everyone," she said. "But if I don't eat, then I can't do the work."

"Kitty, you need to eat!" I almost yelled. "You deserve to eat as much as everyone else. You…you can't let yourself go hungry. Please." I can't stand the idea of my little sister going hungry. "And if you aren't taking care of yourself, you can't take care of anyone else."

"But Linny, someone else could go hungry because I was eating."

"A dozen people could be fed because you were well enough to go hunting."

She blinked at me. "I suppose so."

"You're my sister," I said. "I can't let you go hungry ever again."

She nodded. "Alright. How are you? With your…your miscarriage?"

I frowned and blinked against tears. "It hurts. I don't know why I can't have babies."

"You don't know you can't have babies," she said. "Maybe you've just been unlucky. I'm sure you'll be able to have a baby."

"I hope so," I said, fidgeting with my teacup. "Kurloz is upset."

"Why's he upset?"

"He wants children, too. And he needs to have a child."

"I know you'll be able to have a baby," she said. "I know it."

"Thanks, Kitty," I said, still feeling shaky. We sat together with our tea for a long time and it was good to just sit with her and feel comfortable. She's my sister. I love her more than anything. I hope she takes my advice and takes better care of herself. I want her to be well and I could never let her go hungry.

My baby, when I have one, will never go hungry. And I will never let my sister go hungry, either, as long as I can do anything about it.

I hope Kurloz is feeling better tonight. The grief must be getting to him, too. It hurts.

13 April 1641

I don't know quite how to feel. Kurloz is unhappy I left to see Kitty, because he said I was just missing for a day and he was worried. He's just been…cold, lately. He hasn't been saying much and we haven't spent the night together in a few nights. I want to talk to him, but he doesn't usually want to talk. He's not typically a talkative person, and I understand that, but it seems sometimes he may explode from the force of keeping it all in. In public, at the dinners and in court and all, he acts completely normal, but once we're alone he shuts down and won't speak to me.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what to say to fix it. Maybe I should apologize for going away to see Kitty? He might be upset that I left to see her because I might be pregnant. Maybe I forgot to tell him? I thought I remembered, but I have been a scatterbrain lately.

16 April 1641

I apologized to him today, for leaving without telling him. He nodded, but nothing changed. He still doesn't seem to want to talk to me. I don't know what else to do, or who to talk to. I can't even write Kitty, because then the person I dictate to will know! And I can't tell my ladies, of course. They're nice but not my best friends. None of my in-laws are…well, they're not untrustworthy, but I don't think I can or should talk to them about my marital troubles. And I'm not going to talk to a male priest about this.

I just don't know what else I can do to fix this. I said I was sorry and I wouldn't do it again and I just don't know what else I can say.

18 April 1641

I tried again today to apologize, and I think things are back to normal.

"I really am sorry, my dear. I didn't mean to scare you. I won't do it again. I'll stay here until we have our first baby, so I won't be risking anything."

"Thank you," he said. "It just worries me, when you go like that."

"I know. I'm sorry."

"Meulin, I know you're used to having so much freedom, but…when you're noble, you have to be more aware of these things. Things like image. It looks…very bad, you going off on your own."

"I would-I would never be unfaithful to you!"

"I know that. But not everyone does. You're a lovely person, but you need to look and act the part."

I nodded. "I understand. I'll do my best."

"Thank you, Meulin. You're doing well."

"I hope so. I feel like there's always more to learn."

"Well, you're learning. You don't know everything yet, but you're learning," he said reassuringly.

I nodded. "I know it's been almost a week, but…do you want to spend the night?"

He smiled like the sun. "Of course I do. Soon enough we'll have a baby!"

"Soon enough," I agreed, smiling myself.

22 April 1641

Church went on for ages yesterday. I don't know why today felt so especially boring, but I thought I might fall starve to death by the time it was finally, finally done. Kurloz teased me about it later.

"I thought there was a dog in church today," he said. "But it was just your stomach growling!"

"He spoke forever today!" I said.

"I know. He can be like that sometimes. It's over now!"

"Yes, finally."

"Promise me you won't say that to anyone else?"

"Of course not, my dear." I leaned my forehead against his. "Don't worry, I know. It's image."

"Thank you, dear."

"I just want to be honest with you, when it's just us."

He nodded. "I'm glad you can be honest with me." He kissed my forehead and said, "Let's get to bed."

I love him so much. I think I always will.

25 April 1641

I did charity today with my mother-in-law, and afterwards we sat down to have tea together.

"Giving charity can be so strange," she said.

"I feel the same way!"

"I don't see why it's necessary." She sipped her tea delicately, like a duchess.

"How do you mean?"

"Well, why don't these people simply solve their problems, instead of begging to us?"

I coughed.

"Meulin?"

"Pardon me. What do you mean by that?"

"Well, these peasants. They have these stories, about having no work or losing their farms. I don't see why they don't simply find work, or purchase some land."

"Perhaps they don't have the money."

"They can surely find work of some sort," she said glibly.

I didn't know what to say to that. I suppose I know that the very wealthy live in another world, but I didn't realize how much. And I just wasn't sure how to explain to her how it is just never that simple! My mama didn't talk much about her time traveling the country, but she told me a little about people she met whose lives fell apart for reasons far beyond their control.

So I just nodded, and said, "I suppose everyone has their own ways of solving their problems."

She sighed. "Yes, I suppose so. What's in this tea? It's delicious."

I don't know what to think of that. I know she doesn't understand; we haven't spoken about much of importance, but she was raised noble and never wanted for anything. I thought I might trust her, but now I'm not sure. What would she say if I told her the story of my life? I doubt she'd understand. It seems no one here understands.

28 April 1641

I asked Kurloz what he told his father's wife about me.

"Not much. She heard your last name and assumed you were from the family, so I let her believe it."

"Goodness," I said, feeling the tension build in my neck. "What can I tell her?"

"I'd rather you let her keep believing you were raised in the Leijon family. She thinks you don't know much because they're not landed. She was raised as a duke's daughter herself; she'd never understand."

"You do." Well, he doesn't entirely, but he tries.

"I've known you a long time. She never knew any commoners."

"I suppose you're right," I conceded. "She seems kind enough."

He shrugged. "I suppose." I think it's still hard for him, having a stepmother.

"Do you want to talk about it?" I asked, as gentle as I could.

"No."

"Kurloz…"

"Meulin, I don't want to talk!" he snapped, and I jumped and recoiled. "Oh. Sorry. I'm going to go to bed."

I'm worried he's just going to crack under the pressure. The more responsibility he takes on, the more he seems to be stretching himself so thin he might break, like he's not just burning the candle at both ends but holding it near the fire, too. I don't know what to do to fix it.

1 May 1641

I love visiting the nursery, seeing the little ones playing and laughing together. I can never stay for long, but it's such a happy place. I think I'd like to speak to the matron there, a warm-looking woman who must be done having her own children, based on her age. I know I won't be able to be with my baby all the time, so I want to know how she handles the children. I want my baby to be raised with love and kindness. I suppose as the woman mothering one of the next dukes, I can have some say in what they do in the nursery.

I hope all the children in the nursery are treated with kindness. If it were up to me, every child would know love from the day they're born. My babies will know love every day of their lives.

5 May 1641

I sat down for tea with the matron today. Her name is Agnes and she told me she's been working in the nursery for fifteen years. (Fifteen years! My goodness, fifteen years ago I was still living with my blood parents.) We talked about the best way to correct children who are misbehaving, what they're taught throughout the day, things like that.

"It's very important to me that my children are raised with kindness," I said.

"I believe the nanny you'll have is Miss Grace," she said. "We have most of the same ideas on how to best raise children."

I rather forgot that my children will have a nanny. They probably won't spend much time in the nursery, because they'll have their own nanny to care for them. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I felt my cheeks go red. How could I forget? I felt so stupid.

"Right, of course. Where might I find her?"

"I believe she's in the kitchens today. I'm sure Mrs. Norton could find her."

I nodded and thanked her and left her to her work. I felt so foolish. How could I forget that I'll have a nanny for my children? Of course they won't be in the nursery with the other children, the "lower status" children.

I'll find Grace another day. Today I'll just do what I need to do and try to stop kicking myself for being so stupid.

9 May 1641

I spoke with Grace today. She's one of the minders for another noble family's children in the castle now, but she'll move to take care of my little ones when they're born. She said the children she's caring for now will be old enough to have a governess by then, probably.

Anyways, I had tea with her and had much the same talk as with Agnes. She said she believes in being kind to children and education and lots of other things I think are important, but she also said she thinks children should be spanked occasionally.

"You know what they say-spare the rod, spoil the child."

I had to think a moment of what to say. "I don't believe in hitting children."

"Well, not just any time," she said. "Just as discipline."

"I understand, but I don't believe in ever hitting a child. I just don't think it's useful." I don't believe in hitting children because I don't ever want my children to be afraid of me, or think I want to hurt them. And I don't want them to ever feel they deserve to be hurt. But I thought saying that might be unnecessarily confrontational.

"Well, what does your husband say?"

I blinked. "Pardon me?"

"What does your husband say about this?"

"I don't know his stance on spanking."

"I'd like to talk to him about this."

"Oh, of course," I said. "We should all meet and talk about this."

"I wouldn't want to change anything without his approval," she said, as if it were the most normal thing in the world. I didn't know what to say to that. I know I'm supposed to submit to my husband, but as far as I understood it, raising children is the wife's responsibility.

"I understand," I lied. "I'll find a time for us all to sit down and talk. Thanks for meeting with me."

"Of course, my lady," she said, dipping her head. I really don't know how to feel about all that. It's going to be much worse when I'm a duchess and they call me Your Grace (I think that's the right title).

I'll bring it up with my darling when we next have time.

12 May 1641

Kurloz and I talked about parenting today.

"Grace doesn't want to change anything without talking to you, too," I said. "Since you're my husband."

"Naturally," he said. "What are you worried about?"

"I never want our children to be spanked. I don't think children should ever be hit."

He blinked, making a confused face. "But children need discipline. They need to learn right and wrong. How else can they learn?"

"We can do other things to discipline them, like…tell them what they did wrong. Take away their toys. I just don't want anyone to ever hurt our children."

He frowned. "I understand where you're coming from. It's just that I don't want our children turning out like my brother." I know now that Gamzee takes opium, which I suppose explains why he's so laconic.

"They won't," I said. "They'll have good people to look up to."

"But we need to discipline them," he insisted. "I just don't want anything bad to happen to them because we were too soft on them."

"Alright. I understand. But it should be an absolute last resort, only if nothing else works."

"Of course," he said.

I still would rather never spank my children, but marriage is about compromise. He's compromised so much for me, marrying me even though I'm a commoner. I can make a couple of concessions myself to be a good wife.

15 May 1641

Kurloz asks every day if I'm pregnant. It's starting to drive me a little bit mad. I told him he'll know as soon as I do, and asking me every day won't make it happen any faster. I'm trying to be patient with him, because I know having a baby is much more important for him than it is for me. But I am a bit annoyed. It will happen when it happens.

I never thought I'd be looking forward to feeling sick! Next time I feel sick to my stomach, I'll know (or probably know) that I have a baby on the way. It's nerve-wracking, but I'm so excited to feel my little one stirring inside me.

19 May 1641

I took some time during services today to read the Bible along with the preacher, which is apparently quite unusual. I don't know why it would be. I've read the whole Bible through and most of it at least twice. Kurloz asked me about it afterwards, when we were in our quarters.

"Why were you reading during services?"

"I was following along with the priest," I said.

"I think perhaps you shouldn't do it again," he said, gentle as could be, but I was still irritated.

"Why not?"

"Because as the noble family, we need to be attentive to the priest. People take their cues from us."

I blushed pink and said, "I understand. Sorry."

"It's alright. Just remember that people always have their eyes on you, now."

I nodded, feeling terribly silly. It's easy to forget, when I've been living my life however I please for so long. My mama didn't care one jot what other people thought of her, and in some ways I'm like her. It's easy to forget that now, as a noblewoman, people are looking at me. I have to keep up appearances.

It can be exhausting.

22 May 1641

I've been thinking a lot about the name my mama used in the village-Mary Smith. I think Smith was her mother's maiden name, but it's also a very common name. And I know a dozen Marys just in the castle. I know people must've known she was who she was, because she says she was only gone for two years or so. She picked a name as plain as a name can be and let people she'd known her whole life pretend they didn't know her. I imagine it was safer; if anyone acknowledged that she was in the village, based on what I've pieced together, I suspect they would've had to turn her in.

I think she only took up midwife work after she took us in. I wonder if she changed her name, or lied about her name, to keep Nepeta and me safe. I don't know for sure; I'm sure there was plenty of risk to herself, but she said things that make me think her own survival wasn't one of her highest priorities.

Or maybe she didn't care as much about her name. I've been thinking a lot about how much changed when I married, down to my very name. Maybe it wasn't the same for her. I don't know if other people feel this way about their names.

26 May 1641

My stomach was turning a bit today. I hope it's a baby! I won't tell Kurloz until I'm more sure, but I felt a bit lighter today. I want a baby so much.

We worked on a big needlepoint today, my ladies and I. It's a scene of a group of knights in some sort of parade. I'm working on some of the trees, and it makes me miss the woods. As soon as we were strong enough, my mama took us for walks. I always loved being outside. I like my life here, but I miss reading with my feet in the creek and hiking out to the spring and climbing the old oak trees.

I can't really mention to my ladies how much I miss the woods, because I'm not supposed to tell them much about my old life. I have no doubt they know something, since I keep making mistakes, but I don't think I'd be allowed to mention specific things I miss. And I'm not sure what to tell Kurloz. I'm not sure he'd understand, and even if he did, I think he might be a bit angry with me. He gets irate sometimes when I talk about things I loved when I was young I can't have anymore. I suspect he feels guilty for taking me away from a life I enjoyed. I don't know how to explain to him that missing some things from my childhood doesn't mean I don't enjoy my life now.

I'll keep it to myself, I think. I don't want to worry anyone.

29 March 1641

My stomachache went away, and I got my bleeding today. I was so hoping I'd be pregnant, but it seems not.

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Kurloz asked me.

"You're doing exactly what we need."

"I mean, besides that." He blushed faintly. He's very pale from a life spent indoors, so I can see it when he blushes even a little bit.

"No, I don't think so. It will happen, my love."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm the midwife. I know these things."

"You were the midwife."

"I still know everything I learned from my mother," I pointed out.

"How do you know she knew what she was talking about?"

"Most of it is also in medical books we had in the house, and I've used a lot of it myself. And she had lots of practice!"

"But those books could be out of date."

"Kurloz, my mother knew what she was talking about. And so do I."

"Alright," he said, even though he sounded doubtful. "I hope we'll be pregnant soon."

"Me too," I agreed. I kissed him and added, "Everything will be fine, my dear."

"I suppose."

I know everything will be alright. I'll be pregnant soon and we'll have a baby and it'll all be wonderful. I just wish I didn't have to wait.

1 June 1641

We've been married almost a year! I want to do something special for our anniversary, but I'm not sure what. Maybe I'll cook for him again? I'm not sure, though, because surely the chefs here can cook much better than I can. I'm not sure what he'd like for a present, either. I'd ask, but I want to surprise him. I hope I can come up with something!

I suppose what he'd really like is for me to be pregnant. I'm doing my best. We are together just about every night, although sometimes it doesn't feel so passionate as it used to. Sometimes I feel like he's just doing what needs to be done and he doesn't care as much about enjoying ourselves together. But some nights it's like our wedding night all over again, and he's so desperate for me he can't stop kissing me.

I think some nights the stress of his work overwhelms him. I hope that's all it is.

4 June 1641

I found a lovely gift, I think! I found my dearest a pearl pin from the New World. I think it'll look lovely with his favorite shirt. I wonder if he's gotten me anything. I would suppose he has, but he doesn't have much space in head to spare for me. I don't mind. He carries a lot and if I'm what slip through the cracks once in a while, well, that's not so bad.

I don't like how it feels, to be the thing that gets forgotten. I try to be a good wife and support him, but I'd like at least a little something back. Maybe I'll bring it up after our anniversary.

5 June 1641

He did remember! He bought me a beautiful bracelet with colorful gems and said I looked lovely. I feel bad that I thought he'd forget, now. He may be a busy man, but he loves me. He's my husband and I'm his wife. He made the same promise to me as I did to him.

We had some time together today, so we cuddled together in his bed and talked about not much. I talked a little bit about the woods and how much I loved the creek and the spring when I was small. He told me about his tutors and how he used to sneak away from lessons when he was a child. I love him so much.

8 June 1641

I worked on the big needlepoint with my ladies today. Maybe tomorrow I can persuade us to go riding, but for today we stitched away. As I was working on the trees, I mentioned my sister.

"Nepeta always had a talent for climbing trees. Our mother was very proud and very nervous."

"Oh, you have two sisters?" Ellen asked.

I didn't say anything for a moment, completely baffled. "No, just one."

"Then who is Nepeta?"

"My sister," I said.

"So then who's Kitty?" Magdalena prodded, and suddenly I understood the problem.

"My sister's name is Nepeta. My nickname for her is Kitty. I suppose I don't even notice I'm calling her that anymore."

"I see," Ellen said, nodding. It's strange that even when I think I'm making friends with my ladies, I keep finding little things that show we don't know each other all that well. None of them talk much about their own lives, I suppose afraid of saying the wrong thing, and it can make conversation difficult. I don't know how anyone does it.

"I don't remember why I call her Kitty," I added. "I've been doing it since we lived with our birth parents." I immediately bit my tongue and cursed myself. "So, since before she was seven, at least."

"I'm sorry," Grace said kindly.

"What for?"

"Your parents' deaths."

It took me several moments to realize that since they know I was raised by my mama, they must assume my birth parents died. I hope since I was looking down, they thought I was sad.

"Thank you," I finally managed. "It's been a long time, but thank you nonetheless." And I went back to stitching. My ladies let it go.

12 June 1641

I mentioned missing my home to Kurloz today after we had our night together.

"This is silly, but doing that needlepoint makes me miss the woods," I admitted quietly.

"Oh, Meulin," he said. "Isn't it better here? You have everything you could ever want, and…and I'm here."

"I love it here. I love my new life. But I miss it there, too, sometimes. Kurloz, my mother is buried in the woods. My sister lives there. I can't help but miss it."

He frowned. "Aren't you happy with me?"

"Of course I am."

"Aren't I enough for you? Us, and our family?"

"It's not that," I said, feeling a bit frustrated. "I love you and I want to have a family with you. But my mother and my sister are also my family, and they always be. So I suppose I just miss them."

He frowned again and stroked my cheek, gentle as could be. "I suppose I understand. You'll tell me when you're pregnant, right?"

"Of course." I think I kept the irritation out of my voice. I wish he'd stop asking.

"Thank you. I hope it's soon."

"Me too."

I don't think he does understand. He's never left his home. But he's trying, and that counts for something. It counts for a lot.

15 June 1641

Kurloz has been acting strange since I mentioned missing the woods-colder, I suppose. Like after I lost our second baby. I think he's annoyed with me. I wish he wouldn't be. I can't help missing the place I grew up, where I first learned that someone would take care of me. It's the place I was a child. I wasn't truly a child with my birth parents-I had to take care of Kitty. In the woods, with my mama, I could be a child. I want that for my children.

I want to talk to my darling about how he's been acting different, but I don't want to make him more worried about me. He has enough to worry about, and my lack of pregnancy is certainly weighing heavy on him. I'm trying, but there's no magic trick for conceiving. You just have to keep trying.

My ladies and I are going to go out riding soon. I'm looking forwards to it! I need some fresh air.

18 June 1641

We went for a ride today, Ellen and I. Ellen's a quiet sort, so we just rode together in the forest Kurloz's family owns. We couldn't until today because the men were hunting, and we can't be in the forest at the same time as them so no one gets hurt. I wish I could go hunting, but I'm a woman, and so I just go riding. Anyways, I don't think they bowhunt. I'm not sure I'd be any good with spears or swords.

I didn't see Kurloz until bed, and he was quiet today. I don't often go riding, and I know he worries when I'm gone, but I was riding with my ladies on land his family owns. There is no safer place for me besides inside the castle. I'll ask him tomorrow.

20 June 1641

I tried to talk to Kurloz today, but it did not go all that well.

"My dear, you've seemed so quiet lately."

"I've been busy. My father is to be called away for a visit soon and I must be prepared."

"I understand," I said. "I just want to be able to help you. I love you."

"I love you too," he said, but it sounded cold.

I took his hands. "I'm always here for you. Just let me know if you need me."

He nodded and turned back to his desk.

He didn't invite me to bed, even. He just finished his work and went to bed. It felt strangely lonely in my comfortable bed. For a moment there I missed Button. Button usually slept in Kitty's bed, but she'd herd me into my bed and if I was ill or she was just mixing things up, she'd curl up on my bed and purr softly next to me.

Maybe we'll get a cat here. I'd like that.

23 June 1641

Grace and I wrote correspondence together today. I have to write letters back and forth with other nobles like my mother-in-law, and while I enjoy writing, it can be awfully dull. I like doing this with Grace because she has a lovely hand and because she's game to giggle at the pretensions we all put on.

"Look at this one," I said. "This woman keeps starting her sentences with 'if it pleases you'. I wouldn't laugh, except that she says 'If it pleases you, I found your home quite lovely.' That doesn't make any sense."

Grace giggled. "I suppose better to be too polite than not polite enough."

I sighed. "I doubt one word out of place will stir up a civil war. Although what do I know!"

"That's why I'm here."

"I appreciate you very much."

"I'll pass these on to the scribe when we're done," she said.

"One of these days I'll have a nice enough hand to write my own correspondence."

"It's not that," she assured me. "The scribe is a professional."

"I suppose that's why I'm to send all my letters to my sister through him."

She made a strange face at that. "Pardon?"

"Oh. My husband has me practice dictating by writing letters to my sister through the scribe, so I can learn how on something not as important."

"Hm," she said, mostly to herself. "How is your sister?"

"Well. She has rather less to do with the spring plants growing in, although she's still hunting for the entire village on her own. I tell her to take more time for herself, but I doubt she'll listen."

"Maybe Her Highness should take her own advice," Grace teased.

"I know, I know." I'm better about it now, but sometimes-especially on days when we give charity, or when my darling is especially stressed-I know I work too much. "I've learned my lesson. The tendency runs in my family. My mother was much the same." I try not to say "mama" around my ladies, or anyone else in the palace, because it makes me seem young and common.

She smiled. "Your mother sounds like she was a lovely woman."

"She was incredible. How is your family?"

"They're doing well. My elder brother is training under my father to take over the land soon. My mother is home with them, and my sisters and brothers. I believe my next sister is going to be sent to be a lady-in-waiting herself, soon." She smiled slightly. "You may not know this, but it is a great honor to serve you."

I went very red. "I'm sorry?"

"You are one of the most powerful women in this country. It is considered a great honor to serve you. And, if you don't mind my saying so, I enjoy spending time with you."

"Thank you," I finally said. "It is an honor to have you as a lady-in-waiting."

She blushed herself and ducked her head. She's a kind person. I truly enjoy my time with her, and of all of them, I think she's the one I know the best. It is truly a delight knowing her.

26 June 1641

My husband was quiet and closed off again today. It is starting to grate on my nerves. I'm trying to be a good wife, but he's making it impossible when he hardly looks at me some days. He's my love. He promised me the same things I promised him. I want to help and sometimes I feel like I'm throwing myself at the stone walls of my castle home.

Some days I need him, and he's not there. I don't want to blame him, but it hurts to feel that he doesn't care for me, even though I know that's not true.

I know it's not true.

30 June 1641

I'm still not pregnant and I feel awful. I would never be a good mother, not after what I did today.

I tried, today. I really tried. It's Sunday, so my husband and I had time to sit together before bed.

"My love," I said gently. "I know we've had this conservation before, but I want to try again. I love you. I care about you. I want to help you."

"I don't need help."

"There's no harm in asking for it. You can let your guard down, with me. I'm here for you." I stroked his cheek. "I'm your wife. I'm here to help you."

"All I need from you is a baby."

That hurt. "I'm more than just a vessel for your children. I'm my own woman, and I want to help you."

"If you wanted to help me, you'd give me a son!"

"I'm trying my best!"

"You need to try harder, then! Your best just isn't good enough."

I stood up, too angry to stay sitting. "That's hurtful."

"It's true."

"No, it isn't! I can't just will children into my womb! There's no magic spell that would summon a baby for us."

He stood up, too. "There are things you can do, to make it easier to conceive. You could talk to the physician."

"I don't trust him."

"And why not?"

"Because he's a man."

"Because he's a man! But you trust me, don't you?"

"Of course I trust you!"

"So why won't you trust the doctor?"

"Because male doctors, they don't listen to women. I've seen it."

"Why are you so difficult?" he snapped. He stepped closer and I backed up.

"I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm just trying to help! I don't know why you won't let me help you!"

"I don't need you to treat me like a child! I need you to get pregnant and do you damned job!" He stepped closer, and closer, until my back was against the wall and I couldn't go anywhere. "I try so hard to make you at home here! And all I get from you is mistakes and infertility! I don't know why I even bother!" He was shouting so loud and I was backed against the wall, and I was so frightened, and then he raised his hand and I panicked. I shoved him away and he fell, because of course he did, and I felt terrible.

"I'm so sorry," I said. "I-I panicked, I thought you were going to-"

"Going to what?" he asked. "Hit you? How could you? I would never, ever hurt you!"

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

"Just go," he said, and he stood up and turned away to go to his room.

So I did. I don't know what else to do. I hurt him. I hurt the man I love. How could I? What's wrong with me?