"The Blame Game"
Touya stared at the man in front of him, glaring daggers into his soul, hopefully.
"Touya, calm down," he heard Yukito say beside him.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked again, pushing Syaoran aside so he could walk through the door without his permission.
He sensed Yukito looking at the man apologetically before walking in the house himself.
"I don't remember giving you permission to come in," Syaoran said, glaring at Touya, which resulted in a glaring battle between the two.
Touya made a move to launch towards Syaoran, but Yukito grabbed his shoulder gently. "Touya," he called in a warning tone.
"This little asshole is getting smart with me in my sister's house. And, how is she sick within a span of 24 hours? This bastard has to be the cause behind it." He glared at him, wanting to smack the smug look off the doctor's face. "Where is she anyway?"
"Resting—"
"I wasn't talking to you," Touya said, moving past Syaoran with a bump to his shoulder as he walked through the house. "Can't believe the Kaijuu skipped out on Christmas," he said under his breath to himself.
He headed to her room, feeling annoyed with the footsteps following closely behind him. He pushed her door open, eyes landing immediately on her bed where she sat up.
His face faltered, seeing her pale skin, but flushed cheeks. "What bus ran you over?" he said sarcastically, walking towards her bed, sitting in the chair beside it.
She frowned before a pout formed on her lips. "I knew I heard your loud voice," she said quietly.
The smug look left his face the moment he heard how weak and vulnerable she sounded. He sighed, shaking his head. "I didn't even know that kaijuu's were capable of getting sick," he said.
"Mou, did you really come here to make me feel worse?" she whined, making him smile a little.
That is the response he was looking for.
"No, I was coming here to beat the asshole that I knew would be here and who did this to you," he said, sounding annoyed again.
"Syaoran?" she questioned.
He scoffed. "First name basis now?" he asked in a disappointed tone.
"Touya, don't make things harder on her," he heard his best friend at the door.
Sakura gasped softly. "Yukito-kun, too?"
Touya looked at her face, noticing her face turn redder. And not because she's sick.
He rolled his eyes. "When does he ever not tag along when I'm here?" he said.
Sakura pursed her lips. "Shut—"
"I wanted to see that you were doing alright myself," Yukito said, walking all the way in the room.
Sakura giggled softly, making Touya cut his eyes at her. He could not understand how his sister still had a thing for a man she knew she would never be with.
Honestly thinking, he did not think that she actually liked him. But because his best friend was a kind and charming man, there was no way that a person could not like him.
He heard someone clear their throat at the door, making him look in the direction to see that it was Syaoran. He had a scowl on his face as he marched over to the bed where they were. Touya looked at him from the corner of his eyes, wondering what the man was up to now.
If he could have, he would have been butt in and stopped whatever Sakura had with this man before it was too late. Because he had been too far away from them, he did not even get the chance to properly meet Syaoran and scare him away.
All he knew was that the man had this sense of protection over his sister the moment he opened his eyes in that hospital. He could tell that Syaoran would be the man to sweep his sister off her feet. He could tell that Syaoran would be the one to fight for her no matter what.
And that's what made him hate the doctor even more.
"I don't think we've properly met, Dr. Li," Yukito said, turning to Syaoran.
Touya watched the scene, seeing Syaoran's displeasure with Yukito.
A smirk crept to his lips before he turned to Sakura. "Is this really your type?" he asked.
When his sister's cheeks colored, he rolled his eyes, feeling annoyed with her response. He had expected her to retaliate like she always does by yelling at him for being rude or embarrassing her. It may have just been because she is sick right now, but there was still the thought that the doctor actually is her type, which annoyed him.
"Well, either way, we'll be spending the rest of our day until you're well enough to come," Touya said confidently.
He could feel the doctor glaring at the back of his head. "That's not even possible. Don't you have a wife and kids?"
Touya turned around to face him with a glare on his face. "And don't you know how to mind your business?"
"You two aren't making me feel any better with your arguing," Sakura said, making them look at her.
"Sakura's right. We should go so she could get more rest," Yukito suggested.
She smiled at him appreciatively, making Touya take the hint.
He sighed, looking at her. "You need to get better," he said, popping her forehead softly, not wanting to hurt her.
She pursed her lips slightly before a small sad smile formed on her lips as she slid back down to lay. "I'm trying," she said softly, eyes drifting close slowly.
He smiled a little. "Kaijuu."
Her eyes flew open, glaring at him with the familiar fire he loved. "Wait until I get back up. You're dead," she threatened.
He smirked. "Looking forward to your failure." He stood up from the chair, smiled down at her before walking out of the room with the other two men.
The moment he closed the door behind them softly, he turned to Syaoran with narrowed eyes. "Are you planning to stay here?"
"I do believe that I promised her father that I'd take care of her until she gets better," Syaoran said confidently.
Touya frowned before walking past the two. "I'm going to turn on a movie in the living room."
He hated the doctor so much, but he had never given him a reason to think that the man would hurt his sister. Any man who came into Sakura's life was very capable of hurting her, though. He knew the last bastard had hurt her, but he never knew to what extent. Sakura had changed after that, so he knew it had to have been bad.
He hated himself for almost an entire year for not knowing what the bastard had done to his sister, or even where he was. Thanks to Nakuru, she kept him sane.
Now, he had to deal with another man who is trying to take his sister away again. He was convinced that he hates every man who liked his sister now.
Syaoran just happened to be one of them.
Sakura giggled softly at Yukito's comment about needing to drag Touya out of the house or they would never leave. Touya and Yukito were finally getting ready to leave after spending time with her for the last hour when she woke up.
She had finally convinced them to go home to her father's. She still felt stumped about missing Christmas at their dad's home, but she knew it would have just ruined their Christmas because they would be too worried about her. She never liked to make anyone worry about her, though she seemed to do that a lot.
Her eyes landed on Syaoran who seemed to be feeling awkward about something Yukito had said that she missed, clearly.
She could not believe that he had come to her rescue again. After kicking her out like that, she knew that he would never speak to her again. Yet, he came back, saving her like he always does. She did not know where they stand at the moment, but something told her that Syaoran was really done with the games.
She knew he would not sleep with her, seduce her, or try to charm her anymore until she decided what she wants. And she could not even be too sure about that happening either.
Right now, Syaoran had a new mindset that she could not quite place her finger on.
She knew there was nothing she could do to make him feel better about the way she had been treating him; making him feel like he was just good for sex. He is so much more than sex, though. He is Syaoran, one of the most caring men in her life. She wanted nothing but the best for him, and she knew she could not give him what he wanted. She was glad that he knew that now.
"Hey, we're going to head out seriously this time. Are you sure you don't want to come with?" Touya asked, snapping her out of her thoughts.
She looked at him, seeing the desperate look in his eyes before she shook her head slowly. "I don't want to worry anyone. If I'm feeling better in the morning, I'll drop by. Plus, I still have to give you all your Christmas gifts," she said, smiling at him a little.
After she had woken up from her nap, she had come to the living room and watched the movie with them. Or, more like they talked during the entire movie. She had been feeling a lot better since she woke up, so she should be fine to go out there in the morning.
"Here, I'll go and get them—"
Touya stopped her before she could get up. "Tomorrow," he said, looking at her pointedly. She saw the look as a way of telling her that she had no other choice but to drop by tomorrow.
She sighed with a smile on her face, knowing what her brother was telling her. "Tomorrow," she promised.
Sakura and Syaoran bid the two goodbye, without Syaoran and Touya having a glare battle before they left, leaving them alone again.
Sakura stood at the door with her hand on the knob after closing it behind her brother.
She did not know if she could have any further conversations with him because it would just make things worse. She had already agreed to going to Tokyo with him for New Years, so she did not want to give him any more hope than that.
She could not even begin to fathom how she let him convince her to do that.
Tokyo, of all places? She could not help but feel like Syaoran was hiding something drastic from her now.
Going to Tokyo with him would be the only way to find out what it was.
I'm such an idiot.
"Sakura," he called, his voice sending chills down her body.
He had not even tried to do that, yet it still affected her like it always does.
She took a deep breath before turning around to face him hesitantly. Her breath caught in her throat at the look he had in his eyes.
He looked tired and worn out.
"Syaoran..." she called softly, slowly walking over to him. "You should get some sleep."
He sighed, shaking his head. "No, I'm fine. I should be telling you that," he said tiredly.
"I've rested enough today already. I've been sleeping since 8 this morning and now it's 8 in the evening...you really should rest."
He closed his eyes for a moment before they opened. "Okay. I'll need a blanket and pillow then," he said.
"Eh?"
"I can't leave until you're better like I promised your father…and because this is really all my fault," he said the last part sadly.
"Okay, it's just, why do you need a blanket and pillow?"
"The couch. I'll rest there for a few hours."
She frowned, not expecting that answer from him. She knew he had said that he would not just jump up and sleep with her anymore, but not sleeping in the same bed as she was being too much. It was very foreign to her.
Even if they would not sleep in the same bed together sometimes, they would not have sex. He had proven himself capable of sleeping beside her without jumping her bones, so why was he suggesting the couch now?
"Syaoran, you can—"
"No, not until we come to a real agreement about what we are going to do about us," he said before she could even finish her statement. "I just need a few hours anyway."
She bit her lip, feeling them tremble at his distance. How could he just go from loving and caring to cold and distant so fast?
Oh right, being fed up with a woman who has continuously strung his emotions along for months now. She did not want to use the excuse of her past on why she played with Syaoran's feelings for this long. Even after the first time they had sex, she had already made up in her mind that they would never be together. And then the second time came around, she reasoned that she just felt lonely. And then the third time came around and she suddenly started to lose excuses as to why she was doing it when she knew from the start that they could never be together. He was still her patient, after all, but even she knew that was just an excuse she kept giving him.
She felt bitter. Not because of him, but herself. She had never done something like this in the past. She had never played anyone as hard as she had been playing him these months. She did fall for him in the process, but not enough to change her mind about not being with him.
Despite him realizing that she had been playing with his emotions for so long now, he still wanted to help.
The fact that he wanted her to spend New Year's with him in Tokyo, to help her, made her heart ache even more. She just could not understand him sometimes. Did he hate her or like her? She could not help but wonder what had happened during those three weeks of her absence. Was it that he realized something else?
"Sakura," she heard him call, snapping her out of her thoughts.
"Eh?"
"The blanket..."
"R-right," she stuttered, rushing to get him a blanket.
Once she returned, she handed it to him quietly, which he accepted.
"I'll just rest for a few and then go over to get your things from my place, okay? I'll be right back to check on you and make sure your temperature's gone down," he said.
She swallowed, nodding her head before her phone came to mind.
Akinari had texted her by now, she was sure.
She looked at Syaoran as he laid down on the couch, throwing the blanket over his body.
The moment his head hit the pillow, his eyes closed, and she could tell he was out. He was exhausted because of her...
But he deserved it.
She wanted to strangle her inner voice for speaking up.
Syaoran had no business throwing her out in the cold like that, but neither did she have any, playing with his feelings like that.
She sighed softly, staring at his face that is slowly starting to relax. What would she do after New Year's?
He clearly said that he would try to move on with his life if she would not give him an honest answer about giving him a chance. She never wanted that, though.
She just wanted...
What do I want?
Syaoran stood in front of her door with his fist raised against it, debating if he should wait or go ahead and knock.
It had been three days since he last saw her on Christmas Day.
Before he left that next morning, he made sure she was alright, and her fever had gone down. Once he saw that she was fine, he allowed her to leave and go to her father's house after holding her hostage.
It had been quite awkward that morning, him not even knowing how to depart from her without a single act of intimacy. He was used to giving her a kiss, or even a hug, at least.
He was trying to stick by his word. He would not try anything with her anymore unless she said she wanted it; wanted him—something with him, other than sex. He would not just let her keep using him if that was what she has been doing this entire time. He did understand where she is coming from now. She had been through a lot. Being with her would mean having patience, time, commitment, and the list could goes on. He could not understand how he could do that if she would not even give him the chance to.
He would wait until she gave him her honest answer, and whatever it is, it would determine if he could wait around for her or try and move on as a lonely man again. He was already certain that he would never find a woman he wanted to be with as much as he wanted to be with Sakura. He had absolutely no doubts about that. Therefore, he concluded within these last few days that he would just be alone for the rest of his life.
He still had to remind himself of this every ten minutes when he suddenly felt the urge to send her a text or call.
He wanted to give her space to think about what she wants instead of smothering her like he had been doing this entire time. He would not just sit here and put all the blame on Sakura for the reason he is in this much pain now. He had been the reason too. Sakura did constantly tell him that they could not be together, so it is not like he is completely innocent in this entire situation. He knew from the start that there was a possibility that they could never be together, especially since she kept saying it.
He had decided himself to try and win her over; make her see that he is worth a try. She never made him make that decision, so most of his pain is on him at the end of the day. Everything was not on Sakura, he had reminded himself after thinking about everything the next day.
Though she had three weeks to think about being with him, he knew that her mind was not solely focused on him. She had other things to worry about instead of just him. He was trying to be more understanding instead of jumping to conclusions now.
After New Year's and his plan, if she still told him she did not want to, he would let her go like he knew he had to. He could not just sit and mope around like a lost puppy when she would never be with him. He may not look at another woman the way he looks at her, but he still needed to be at peace with himself and her.
He heard the door unlock before he could even knock, making him put his fist down quickly.
The door opened, revealing Sakura with her small suitcase in hand.
As it always does when he sees her, his heart skipped a beat.
She had on a dark green sweater with burgundy leggings and brown knee length boots. She had on a green beanie to top the look, along with gloves.
Not being able to resist the urge any further, he smiled at her a little and caressed her blushing cheeks. "You look cute," he said.
His eyes fell down to her pink lips when she bit them bashfully.
He wanted to lean down and take them between his own, but knew he had to resist it. He could not be the one to cave.
He ripped his eyes away from her lips, realizing it felt harder than normal even though it had only been four days since they last shared a kiss.
He thought he might have died a few weeks ago when she disappeared like that, but this time, it felt much worst. He concluded that it was because she is so close, but he could not do anything about it.
"Thanks..." she said. "And... are you sure you want to spend your New Years with me?"
"Positive," he said quickly. "We're going, whether you like it or not." He gave her a pointed look.
She frowned, showing her displeasure of his demand. "But—"
"You're already packed and ready, so let's go," he said, taking her bag from her hand.
"Hey, I can carry that—"
"Come on," he said, already walking down the steps of her apartment with her bag.
"W-wait a minute," he heard her say behind him distantly, as if she had run back in the house.
He unlocked his car door and placed her bag in the back with his before he settled in the front seat.
A few minutes passed before Sakura came rushing out to the car.
She opened the door to the car and hopped inside, panting softly. "Why are you in such a rush?" she asked, sounding out of breath.
"I'm supposed to check in at the hotel at 5," he said, cranking the car up.
She sighed, bulking up her seatbelt. "Well, I'm sorry you decided to arrive late," she said.
He chuckled softly, shaking his head before he pulled out of the parking lot. "Are you done trying to argue?" he asked, rolling his eyes.
"Mou..." she whined, making him chuckle again.
"You really didn't have to get such a nice hotel for three days," he heard Sakura say as he sat her bag by the bed. "And the view is so nice!"
He looked in her direction, only to see that she had run to the huge window that displayed all of Tokyo.
A smile crept to his face as he noticed her behavior resembled a child's. He sat on the edge of her bed, dropping his head down so he could look at his hands.
He was not sure how he would bring up the fact that they would be seeing Eichii within the next few days.
He could not help but stress about how she would react to the information, what she would do, and what the outcome would be.
Even though none of this has anything to do with him, he knew that he had to be the person to tell her. Akinari would not tell her clearly, and no one else in this world would have the guts to do it.
He had to do it.
"Are you okay?" he heard her voice, snapping him out of his thoughts.
He looked in her direction, only to see that she was looking at him, and a lot closer than he expected her to be.
Almost instantly, his body reacted as it registered what could occur right now.
They were alone. In a hotel. With one bed. No one would bother them. They would have no interruptions. And not to mention, she was in arms reach.
All he has to do is grab her arm and push her down on the bed and seduce her into having sex with him like he normally would.
It had only been four days...
When he looked her in the eyes, her breath caught in her throat and she began to blush.
"I'm fine, just thinking about the view my room would have," he said, abruptly standing up on the bed.
He prayed that she would not look down and see the excitement in his pants.
"O-oh..." she said quietly.
"Yeah. I'm just in the room across from yours, so just call if you need anything," he said, smiling at her a little.
"You're going over now?" she asked softly.
He could have sworn he heard the disappointment in her tone, but he ignored it; reasoning that it might just be his imagination.
He shrugged. "I'm going to go ahead and get settled in too," he said, walking towards the door.
Before he could even open her door, she stopped him. "Wait, Syaoran."
"I..." She sighed, making him hold the knob of the door tighter as anticipation rose in his chest.
"What is it, Sakura?" he asked softly.
"I just..." She let out a quick huff.
He turned around to see her standing at the foot of the bed, looking in distress. He felt a little bad for her. He could not help if he did not know what she is trying to tell him, though.
"Tokyo is..." She let out another sigh. "Tokyo is a good place with great things. I have so many memories here that it's a little...surreal that I'm actually here again. Being here makes me feel...a little less tense about the thought of Tokyo now, so thank you," she said quietly.
He smiled at her, nodding his head. "I'm glad then," he said before opening the door and walking out.
As soon as he closed the door, the idea of telling her that they were here to see Eichii erased from his mind.
He had to, though. That was the only way he could help her move on.
He sighed before walking to his room. Once he swiped the card to get in, he went straight to unpacking all his clothes.
He sat on his bed and laid back as soon as he finished, with his phone in his hand. He held it up, scrolling on the internet for the number of the institution that Akinari told him.
He put the phone against his ear, listening to it ring as he stared at the ceiling.
After the phone rang one more time, a lady's voice came through the phone, "Hello, this is Tokyo Metropolitan Matsuzawa Hospital, this is Maiya speaking, how may I help you?"
"Hello, this is Li Syaoran speaking," he said confidently.
"D-dr. Li? Everything doing alright?" the woman stuttered over the phone.
"Yes ma'am. I'm calling in regards to one of your patients. I was wondering if a man by the name of Eichii Kobayashi is still present?" he asked.
"Kobayashi-kun?"
"Yes ma'am. I'm a friend wanting to visit," he said.
"Yes, he's still presently here. I didn't know that Kobayashi-kun had any friends. No friend has visited him in the last few years that he's been here," Maiya said.
"Well, I was his doctor after the accident. If you'd like, you can contact the hospital he was at when the incident first happened. You'll see that I was the surgeon who performed the complicated surgery when I flew out," he said.
After doing some research, he remembered that he did receive a call from the hospital to help scrub in. At the time, he did not know that it was Eichii.
He had looked so much different on the picture that he saw in Sakura's house. After Akinari told him what happened, all the pieces were finally put together. So, he formulated a plan and felt overly confident that it would work.
"Oh! You're right," the receptionist said. "I remember it clear as day. You want to make a visit?"
"Yes. I knew him personally and have just found time on my schedule to visit him," he said.
"Alright. When should we expect you?"
"Is today too soon?" he asked uncertainly.
"Uhh...I think the morning would be better because that way, he'll have all his meds and—"
"That's fine. I'll be there bright and early in the morning," he said, not wanting to hear the extra details.
He heard a knock on his door. "Alright, Dr. Li. Thank you for calling and letting us know," she said.
"Syaoran," he heard Sakura call from outside the door.
He sat up on the bed before ending the call without saying bye. He rushed to the door, opening it to reveal her standing in front of his door.
He could not understand why he felt like he was doing something wrong.
You are hiding something from the woman you want.
He cleared his throat, looking at her. "E-everything okay?" he stuttered.
"I... I'm hungry, and thought..."
"You want to go and get some dinner? I know this nice restaurant down the street from here," he said.
Her face brightened and she nodded her head. "Okay. I'll just go and get my things and we can leave," she said, already rushing over to her room.
She yanked the door, trying to open it but it would not budge. "Uh..."
"You forgot your card in the room, didn't you?" he asked, raising a brow.
"Maybe..." she said sheepishly.
He chuckled, shaking his head. "Come on, we'll go get you another one," he said.
"Mmm, it still tastes the same after so many years," Sakura squealed as she bit into the shrimp.
Syaoran smiled a little, watching her eat the food excitedly. He was not even hungry, but because she wanted food, he was alright with sitting here with her.
"You aren't going to eat?" she asked after noticing him watch her.
He took a bite out of his shrimp before training his eyes on her again.
"You know...Me and Eichii used to come here sometimes," she said suddenly.
Syaoran swallowed at the mention of his name. The thought of the man and Sakura being together still unsettled him to no end, but he knew that he had to endure it. This would help her close this chapter of her life. After these three days, there would be no Tokyo in their lives. He would make sure of it too.
"Really?" he asked, making himself interested.
"Yeah. He hated this place because he never liked seafood," she said.
"Well, you should be glad that I do," he said, taking another bite out of his plate.
Sakura giggled. "I am."
Syaoran looked at her, surprised to hear her say that. He did not even respond, not knowing what to say.
"Hey...I was wondering...and I know that it's wrong of me to ask of you and I totally understand if you say no..."
"Sakura," he called softly. "What is it?"
"Could I... stay in your room with you? We don't have to do anything, I just..."
When she trailed off, Syaoran looked at her, seeing the distressed look on her face.
How could I ever say no to that?
"Okay. That's fine," he said.
She let out a breath of relief. "Really? I mean, are you sure? You really don't have to if you don't want to," she said.
He shook his head. "Of course. I know how...your nights are. I'll still be here with you until the very end," he said, though he whispered the last part.
He did not know how she would react when he brought up Eichii, but he knew he had to.
First, he would meet the man alone, talk with him about a few things before bringing the idea up to Sakura.
He was not even sure how he would bring up Eichii being alive yet. He just needed time and tomorrow morning to get there now.
He brushed the thought to the side for now. He had other things to focus on right now. Like, him and Sakura sleeping in the same room tonight.
He would not do anything for sure.
"Thank you...I don't know how I could ever make it up to you," she said sheepishly.
He smiled, grabbing her hand on the table gently and giving it a light squeeze. "Being a little less stubborn could make up for it," he said in a teasing tone.
She giggled, shaking her head. "I'll try then," she promised.
"Good. Now, finish eating your food," he instructed.
She grinned at him before resuming her meal.
They made small talk as they finished their meal.
They drove back to the hotel after they finished, with Sakura going to her room and Syaoran to his.
As soon as he closed the door, his heart almost jumped out of his chest in excitement that he wanted to be pressed down.
He could not believe that Sakura had asked him to sleep with her. She was almost never that bold and open with him. She was starting to show him that she trusts him.
He almost felt a little annoyed that she is starting to after he decided to stop pestering her about them. He would take what she gave him now, though. He would just not be blind with the signs and things she gave him this time.
He walked over to his bed, picking his phone off of it. He swiped it on, seeing that he had a message on his phone.
'What room are you in?' it read.
He had texted Wei earlier that day asking if he could bring something he left at his place. Matter of fact, he had forgotten it like three times already now.
He had Sakura's gift sitting on his couch for the last week, abandoned by his lack of attention. So much had been going on that he always forgot it when he left the house, including today. He only thought of it when they first got settled into their rooms before he texted Wei and asked if he could drop it off in a rental car he had paid for.
Syaoran texted Wei the number of his room before he threw the phone on his bed with a sigh.
Things were so complicated now between them. He could not even pinpoint when they changed between them.
He guessed it was when he started to feel something for her, other than an attraction. But then again, it could have been the moment he realized how much he really needed help.
Nowadays, it seemed like he never had a problem to begin with. His urges were not as frequent as they used to be, and he had not even had a release since the other night with Sakura.
Knowing that she would never be his took away his appetite for everything.
There was just so much going on that he did not even have much time to focus on his own problems.
He could not help but realize what Sakura means now. She had said that they should focus on themselves first and fix themselves.
That thought had angered him, as he took it as her way of telling him that they would never be together, but now that he thought about it...it seemed like he had swept all of his own problems under the rug.
It was almost like Sakura had done for all these years...
A sting of guilt and pain stabbed at his chest.
He had treated her so coldly the other day, feeling like his old self again. Not the one who used sex to get that high, but the one who was abused by his own mother.
He hated that feeling. It was the worst feeling in the world, yet...only people he felt important to him made him feel this way.
Sakura was the most important person in his life, so of course the assumption of her using him would make him feel like the abandoned child.
He was never one to wallow in self-pity, but this time felt different. He wanted to wallow in this pain that only he...had brought upon himself.
Blaming Sakura would get him nowhere. She never told him to be her patient. She never told him to get help. She never told him to want to be with her. And she certainly never told him to love her like this, he realized.
Love...
Though he never experienced the love of a mother; the first time a person experiences love...he sure felt like Sakura had been giving it to him this entire time.
That is why he could not understand why she did not want to be with him. If she showed him that unconditional love that a mother is supposed to show, why could she not just be with him?
Because it's just not that easy...
A light knock on the door snapped him out of his thoughts.
For a moment, his heart stopped before he took a deep breath and realized it might not be her. He walked to the door, opening it slowly.
"Master Li," a man said, bowing slightly to acknowledge him.
Syaoran smiled a little, forgetting his own pain, seeing the person at the door. "Come in," he said, stepping to the side for him to walk inside.
It had been so long since he last had a real conversation with the old man.
Wei walked inside with the little wrapped box in his hand. "Where is she?" he asked gently as he sat the box down on the desk.
Syaoran closed the door and sighed. "The room across the hall," he said quietly.
"I see," Wei said, sitting down in the chair carefully. "The walk here was long, so I hope you don't mind me resting a bit."
Syaoran shook his head. "You're fine. I hope I didn't trouble you," he said.
"The only thing troubling me is not knowing how you're holding up," Wei said.
"I..."
"Are you serious about her?"
Syaoran took a deep breath, nodding his head slowly. "I want her...so badly, but it's never going to happen," he said, hearing the tears in his own voice.
He would not do this, though. He would not cry in front of the man.
"Is it your condition she's worried about?"
Syaoran clenched his fist tightly. "No... it's not even just that anymore. It's me and it's...her and her past. It's so...complicated that I don't know what else to do besides be here, in Tokyo," Syaoran explained.
"I'm sure you'll figure something out. You're a smart young man who has his head screwed on right," Wei said encouragingly.
Syaoran smiled gratefully, nodding his head. Even though he had not given Wei all the details of what was going on, Wei seemed to pick up rather fast.
"What's the difference..." He trailed off, not sure if he should ask this question or not. It had been a question that had been bothering him as of late, but he thought it was quite ridiculous to ask.
"Take your time," Wei said quietly.
Syaoran took a deep breath before letting it go. "What's the difference between...a mother's love and... a woman's love? Is one greater than the other or…what is it?" he asked, feeling his cheeks warm at that question.
"Ah..." Wei said quietly, making him nervous.
After not seeing Sakura for those three weeks, it made him realize so much that it hurt every second of his day.
It almost felt like a deep hole had appeared in his heart and it constantly bled. There were so many questions running through his head the entire time. Questions like, what had he done? Had he done something wrong? Was he not capable enough of being loved by someone? And the list went on.
All he did was overthink everything in those weeks.
Even after he tried drowning himself with work, it never worked. Nothing worked, because there was always still that slightest bit of hope that Sakura would come back to him; comfort him and tell him that she did want to be with him.
It all hit him like a shock wave when he finally realized the person who caused him the most pain would not comfort him. It hurt so much because that's what he wanted the most.
So, because she did not comfort him, he put the blame on himself. He had thought, maybe he did deserve all that pain he was in when she left him. He thought that he was not good enough to be with her. He did not deserve to be with the most wonderful woman in the world to him.
All of his insecurities were lying on his shoulder for that entire time period when she was gone.
He could not fathom how or why she had such an effect on him that made him feel like the lowliest scum on earth.
Maybe he was before, but he thought he had changed. He thought he was a better person than he was months ago. Yet, her rejection and absence made him feel like he was not even worthy of her presence.
Even after feeling like that while she was gone, he still wanted to be with her. He still thought that she is the woman meant for him. He was sure that no other woman could make him feel what he feels for Sakura.
That's why when she showed up at the charity banquet, he knew it was destiny telling him that she is meant for him only.
That's why he felt so thrilled and happy that she finally agreed to give them a chance. He could not understand how she could make him the happiest man alive with an answer as simple as yes. And then she comes right back and crush his heart, his dreams; all the hope he had left for living on.
No one had ever played with his emotions like that before.
It still hurt, even thinking about it. Being here with her, in Tokyo, so she could feel better, even hurt. It hurt because he knew that whatever he did or would do to convince her of giving them a chance, she would not do it.
She had proven that enough, so he could see no reason to keep annoying her with his feelings because that is what he felt like he was doing at this point.
Sakura would only give him a chance if she wanted to. Not because he wanted to be with her.
He knew that he was no one in her life to be mad about that, though. He almost admired her for putting herself first in this situation.
If she felt that she would be happier without him, even if it hurt him more than anything in this world, he would have to be happy too. At this point, he just wanted her to be happy.
Nothing mattered anymore about himself besides the way she felt. There was no more convincing in this.
Until Sakura came to a conclusion about what she truly feels for him, he could not do anything besides stand by her side and support her.
"Master Li?" Syaoran heard a voice call.
He looked in the direction of the voice, only to see that it was Wei who had called him.
Did I zone out?
"I'm sorry. Did you say something?" Syaoran asked.
Wei smiled at him gently. "The love of a mother for her child is primal, like nature in a sense. She created you, you came from her, so it doesn't matter what you do or how you look, she will always love you and see you as...one of the best things that ever happened to her, no matter what because you are a part of her. You're biologically linked to each other, so it's almost instinctual," Wei explained.
"Yeah, right," was what Syaoran wanted to remark at the thought of his own biological mother. He saw it no way possible for Yelan to have felt that about him.
"But, a woman's love is quite different. She's not connected to you in any type of way by nature...yet, a woman will still love you. Not because she has to, like a mother does, but because she wants to love you with everything she has. Do you understand?" he asked.
Syaoran thought about it for a moment before it all made so much more sense than it had before.
He nodded slowly, clasping his hands together in front of him. "I'm pretty sure I'm in love with her, then, huh?" he asked quietly.
Wei's eyes widened, hearing him speak so boldly about it. "Why do you say that?"
"Because...I don't have to love her like her father has to. I do because I want to. I want to be the only man in her life...I want to be with her. I want to make her happy. I want to keep her safe, even if...I put her in harm's way the other day...but even when I tried to do that, I failed at it and gave in immediately. I want to be there for her...I just want...her. I know it's selfish of me, but I just..." He stopped, not sure what else he could say.
There was too much to say, but he could not see any reason to hurt himself more by saying all of this when she would not let him do any of that for her.
"How did you hurt her?" Wei asked.
Syaoran was quiet for a moment, not sure if it would be quite appropriate to tell him what actually had happened.
"We..." He swallowed. "...got in a very heated discussion. I'll spare you the details and just tell you that I kicked her out in just my T-shirt..."
"In this weather?" Wei asked with a raised brow.
Syaoran dropped his head, feeling so disgusted with himself when Wei asked the question like that. He had been wrong for doing that, but at the time, he thought nothing of the predicament.
He thought he was just giving in to what she had been wanting for so long. He was attempting to let her go like she wanted him to.
He mentally scoffed, realizing he would not have been able to do that, even if he tried.
He had just been angry and beyond hurt, so he was just going to give her what she wanted and try to move on. He knew it was impossible for him to move on at this point in their relationship, though.
"I didn't think about it. I forgot that she didn't drive to my place. I forgot...everything in that moment honestly..." he said, thinking about how he truly felt after she told him they could not be together.
He just wanted to give her what she wanted and get rid of the pain. Clearly, that was one of the worst things he could have ever did.
"Have you apologized?" Wei asked.
Syaoran sighed, shaking his head slowly. "And I feel like an even shittier person because she came back afterwards and told me why we couldn't be together. She told me about...her, and who she is and I... I really am one of the worst people on this Earth," he said sadly.
"You know that, that's not true. You already know what you have to do, so there is no point in wallowing in self-pity. What you did was absolutely wrong...but not unforgivable compared to the past you. You can fix it if you do the right thing," he said.
Syaoran sighed, shaking his head. "It's a lot more complicated than that. I've probably made her feel like the shittiest person alive too—"
A knock on the door interrupted his sentence before he could get it out.
"I should get going," Wei said, standing from the chair in the room.
"You should meet her," Syaoran said, walking towards the door.
He opened it, revealing Sakura stand at the door with her pajamas on. He smiled at her when a blush crept to her cheeks.
She looked behind him, insinuating that someone is behind him.
Syaoran stepped to the side, revealing Wei. "Sakura, this is Wei, my old butler...Wei, this is Sakura," Syaoran introduced them.
"O-oh, it's nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you," Sakura said, smiling at him as she held her hand out towards him.
Wei took her hand and shook it gently. "It's nice to meet you as well, Ms. Kinomoto. I've heard nothing but great things about you," he said gently.
Syaoran could see her flush even more at that statement. "Well, I'm glad then."
An awkward silence passed between them before Wei cleared his throat. "Perhaps I should get going and let you two enjoy yourselves," he said.
Syaoran could feel his own cheeks warm at that statement, though he knew Wei meant it as something innocent.
Head out of the gutter, Syaoran.
"Thank you again," Syaoran said, smiling at him.
"It was nice meeting you," he said to Sakura.
Sakura smiled at him before she bowed. "Y-you too," she said after stepping to the side for him to walk out.
Wei nodded towards Syaoran before walking out the door.
"You can come in," Syaoran said, stepping to the side for her to walk in.
"I really hope this isn't a problem," she said timidly, walking inside the room.
Syaoran closed the door before turning to her. "I told you it isn't a problem," he said quietly, walking towards her.
She sat on the bed with a sigh. "I'm exhausted."
He sat beside her on the bed, being sure to keep an appropriate space between them. "I know being here is a lot for you. I'm just really glad you decided to come here with me," he said.
Sakura looked at him for a moment. "Why? Why are you doing this?" she asked quietly, her voice wavering a bit.
Syaoran frowned. "I'm sorry, Sakura. I just...want to make it up to you for everything that you've done for me...and everything horrible that I've done to you," he said sadly.
"But, being here?" she asked.
"I know it seems like I'm doing this for...terrible reasons, but I'm really not. This really is just for you. I don't want you to have those horrible memories here anymore...I don't want you to hold on to such...horrible things in your past. I want you to have closure, just like you've been saying that I need closure this entire time. I want you to have exactly what you want me to have, you know? And Tokyo...as much as I hate thinking about you being with someone else here and being close to legally binding yourself to another man...you need this. You need this to be happy. Just...trust me, okay? That would really just..."
"So, we're here to help me get closure?" she asked softly.
"Yes. You said that you didn't know how you would, so I've come up with my own plan to help you get that closure," he said.
She looked at him with amusement in her eyes. "Really?" she asked, sounding interested.
He nodded. "And, I think...it'll really be closure for you. You just have to promise me that you won't be mad or hate me for it," he said, smiling at her.
"That's not even possible..." she trailed off.
A bit of hope rose in his chest at that statement. "Why do you say that?" he asked.
She sighed, shaking her head. "There's no point in telling..." she said.
"No, tell me, please. I'm tired of this miscommunication between us. I'm just assuming things in my head, making myself angry and bitter like last time, so just tell me so we won't have a repeat," he said.
"What...did you assume the other night?" she asked quietly.
"No, we aren't getting into that because I want to know this thing," he said, not wanting to get into it, though he knew they needed to so he could explain himself and profusely apologize.
"I'll tell you why if you tell me what you assumed..." she said.
He was ready to as soon as she said that, even though he was going to tell her anyway. "I... I felt so...used. I couldn't really understand what was really holding you back from getting with me. I just thought that you really didn't want to be with me. And after you said we'd be together finally...I was so...happy. Nothing had ever made me happy, even after I passed residency and became an official doctor. You say that, make me happy, then we spend the most wonderful night of my life together. I'm dreaming of you and then the next thing I know, you're telling me that we can't be together even after you said we could. It had hurt so badly and you lying beside me began to make me feel...used just for sex. I know I did that to other women in the past, so I could only blame karma, but...I've never ever had sex with you to use you. I may have tried in the beginning, but we never have. It's always been genuine in our time. I've meant every touch, kiss...everything. That's why...it hurt so much, that I just wanted to give you what you wanted," he explained.
"But, I've always wanted to be with you," she blurted, making his heart skip a beat.
"Why couldn't you just tell me all of that before? You know I've always wanted to be with you," he said quietly.
"I didn't know how to...I just...you were a patient, so I couldn't just tell you about my past and abusive ex. That's just not how it works. And I saw how much I hurt you the other night. It hurt me so damn much to know that I hurt the man that I... the man that I want to be with. It hurt so..." She stopped, breath catching in her throat.
Syaoran's eyes softened and he wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer. "You've been through enough...please don't think about anything besides what you need to be focusing on. Forget...me. I'm fine, okay? I don't want you putting your focus or feelings on anything but the goal. And that's your closure," he said, leaning his head back so he could give her a pointed look.
She smiled at him sadly before nodding her head. "Okay."
"No, promise me you'll stop feeling like you're a horrible person for the things you've done. I understand why you did them...I just wish you could've told me ahead of time and I may have reacted differently and that..." He held her tighter. "I'm so sorry for kicking you out like that. You did not deserve that kind of treatment no matter what you do."
"Syaoran—"
"No, Sakura. What I did was heartless and cruel...I got you sick. You could've died if my humanity didn't decide to kick in," he said brokenly.
"But, it did because that's not the type of person you are..." she said softly.
He sighed. "I know...can we just...communicate more now? None of this would've happened if we had communicated everything," he said.
She nodded. "I know. We just..." She groaned, making him chuckle.
"Let's just get these last few days over with and then we can decide what we'll do after that, okay?" he said gently.
She nodded against his arm and sighed. "You're right. I'll stop...I'll try to worry about what I need to worry about right now, even though you haven't told me what you have planned to get me this closure," she said, raising a brow at him.
"You'll see," he said before pushing them back on the bed so they could lay down.
"What are you doing?" she asked, sitting up a little.
"Laying down. We have a long day ahead of us tomorrow," he said, already closing his eyes.
He felt her shift beside him. "What do you have planned for tomorrow?"
"I have somewhere to be in the morning, but I should be back by the time you get up," he said, sitting up. "Come on. Let's get under the covers."
She followed him to settle under the covers with him.
He wrapped his arm around her body, pulling her close to him as he rest on his back.
"Could you switch the light off?" she asked quietly.
He reached over and switched the lamp off, the darkness enveloping them in the silent room.
Syaoran closed his eyes, wanting to fall asleep immediately.
He wanted no distractions. Sleeping so close to Sakura with her body pressed against his was already enough to make him want to jump her bones. He promised that they would not do anything until they got their own issues settled first. Plus, he did not want to confuse them any more than they already are. Sex added in their relationship would just further confuse them.
His hands unconsciously rubbed up and down her arm soothingly before he thought of something. "Why did you want to sleep here with me tonight?" he asked.
When her small hand dropped on his chest, he froze, unsure how to keep his body from reacting to her touch.
"I feel safe with you. When we're together...there's not much else I think or feel...so, I don't experience that moment again," she explained.
He smiled, holding her tight. "Sakura," he called.
"Hmm?"
"What's your definition of love?" he asked.
For a moment, she stayed quiet before clearing her throat. "Um...it's..." she trailed off.
She never continued, though.
"What would you do if I told you that I'm in love you?" he asked instead.
She gasped softly, sitting up slightly while leaning her weight on her hand on his chest.
He opened his eyes, meeting her emerald pair in the room.
He felt grateful for the city lights shining in their room. He had forgotten to let the curtains down, but he was glad about it now.
"W-What are you trying to say?" she asked.
"Just a hypothetical question..." he said, caressing her arm. "You can answer that when you're ready too. We should sleep right now."
"I—okay, you're right," she said, laying her head back down on his chest.
"Goodnight, princess," he whispered, kissing her head as he pulled her body closer to his.
"Goodnight, Syaoran," she said.
He stayed awake past 2:37, just to make sure she would not wake up.
Syaoran kissed her forehead after tucking her back into bed. "I'll be back in a few," he whispered to her sleeping face before caressing her disheveled hair.
He had been awake for the past two hours, rehearsing how the conversation would go between him and the man this morning. He just wanted to get it over with so he could be sure how to plan Sakura and his reuniting.
He had not decided if he would be there with them or let them be alone. In all honesty, if it were up to him, he would definitely not leave them alone. He was too afraid that she might decide to go with him instead. But another side of him trusts her to never do that to him. It was not possible for her to go back to the man who damaged her anyway. She would not even give him a chance, so there was no way she could give the other man a chance...right?
He internally groaned, pulling away from her before he could let his anger take over. He needed to stay calm before he walked into the institution and buried the man alive himself.
Even after playing the blame game, all along, he knew that the fingers should have been pointed to the man at the institution. Not Sakura. Not him, but Eichii.
He shook his head before grabbing his wallet and keys on the desk by the bed. There was absolutely no reason to get himself riled up over the man all over again, lest he was trying increase his chances of being behind bars.
He had to behave for this, or the plan would not work. He was doing this for Sakura. Not himself, because he would have already had the man killed if that were the case.
He left the hotel room, closing the door behind him gently and left the hall. He walked out of the hotel, going straight to his car as he took deep breaths repeatedly.
He continued to do this as he drove to the institution. He was trying to get himself together. And hopefully keep it together. He could not snap. No, he would not snap.
He parked the car outside of the large institution, just staring at it.
This was definitely for Sakura.
All for Sakura.
He would keep it together and behave himself.
When he locked the door and stepped foot outside the doors of his car, he realized his anger had only rose sky high.
Fuck.
A/N: Darn it, a day late! I'm still glad I was able to get it done faster than normal, though :).
Thank you all so much for the support! I kind of expected you guys to still be upset with Syaoran, after the prologue, about him realizing what self-love is when he hasn't had it his entire life haha. While it wasn't right for him to kick her out in such a state, I do think it was necessary for him to realize that he should love himself and not just accept anything anyone gives him. We should all have self-love at some point in our lives, but it's really hard to find it when there's so much going on around us that makes us hate ourselves, and/or accept any kind of treatment from people. It's good to realize when you deserve something so much more than what you're getting! Sakura has learned this already, hence her wanting to get out of the situation with Eichii in the past (little teaser: Sakura MAY have wanted Eichii gone...not spilling anymore than that until the time comes :P).
In Sakura's defense, because I love her and will always stand by her side, we can all see why she is the way she is, what triggers her, and her being a victim of abuse, so it's very understandable how or why she would conform to the sin of getting with a patient she slowly falls for. We even see why she "uses" him in a sense to make herself feel better because she has been abused in the past. However, it doesn't make her right for doing everything she's done so far in the story.
Both characters are in the wrong here, but we should be able to see from each person's perspective about the entire situation, which is what I've been aiming to do the entire time.
Also, I don't think either of them are toxic for each other. They just have problems they need to fix about themselves before they can even get together, like we all do. Like, the communication thing needed to be fixed, which Syaoran pointed out in this chapter. There has been horrible miscommunication on both sides here, where they did not tell each other something, which made them come up with assumptions in their heads(hence, Syaoran thinking Sakura doesn't want to be with him and she just wants to use him for sex and vice versa on her side). I don't think there's been any abuse as of late in the story, aside from Eichii's, of course D:. Syaoran's comment about him feeling "free" was just him insinuating he didn't feel like he was in a relationship anymore, like most people feel when they get out of a relationship, because you are kind of tied down to one person unless you're just a cheater lol. When you're with a toxic person and you break it off, you could also feel free too, because you don't feel like that person is controlling you anymore. There's a difference between the two, but I'm not going to go too deep into it to make this author's note any longer than it already is haha.
And, FYI, we're all going to hurt the person we end up with, regardless if we're in love with them or not. It's going to happen because we aren't perfect and it's nearly impossible to do everything right in a relationship, especially with a person you're in love with.
I don't think it's impossible to be friends with someone you've had feelings for in the past, because I have done it before and still do it, but that may just be because I try to have a mature mindset about everything at this point in my life. It's more about just wanting the person you "love" to be happy, honestly lol. It's not hard at all, especially when you've both moved on to better things after realizing the two of you couldn't work out. Also, friends don't have to equal talking to that person every single day when you're much older and have lives to live, so I think that's what makes it easier to still consider an "ex" or " ex-lover" to be a friend if the breakup wasn't extremely bad or a betrayal was involved, which some people can still do afterwards :). I'm not saying that will be the case here, though, because there's no way I'd write a SxS story and not make them end up together in some way in the end haha. Just giving an insight on a mature mentality on that issue :).
ANYWAY, I just wanted to clear everything up since we are pretty far in the story and getting ready to directly tackle the issues that caused everything else in the story :).
I start classes on next tuesday, so I'm going to try and get another chapter out in a few days after I respond to your reviews xD. I was trying to get this chapter out first lol. I hope everyone who's in school have been having a great semester so far, by the way!(Sorry, I talk way too much, even online!)
Ja ne!