1 July 1641

I apologized as much as I could to my love today. I think it went alright.

"Kurloz," I said, as soon as we were alone. "I'm so sorry. I-I'm so sorry. I didn't mean-I know you'd never. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me."

He sighed affectionately. "Thank you. It's alright. This is why I want you to see a doctor, love."

"What do you mean?"

"You keep showing these signs and I'm really worried you have some kind of hysteria." He looked down at me with the biggest, most worried eyes. "I'm worried about you."

"Alright. I'll see the doctor," I said. "I feel fine, you know."

"I know," he said. "And I'm glad. But it's different when it's in your mind."

"I suppose you're right." I've never had the melancholy my mother did, the sadness that weighed so heavy on her. I don't know how it feels when your mind gets sick. I don't think I have hysteria, but if it makes him feel better, I'll see the doctor. He'll surely tell me I'm fine and then we can go about our lives as always.

5 July 1641

I've been busy but today I had time to see the physician. He asked me a bunch of questions, looked at me seriously, and said, "Are you currently pregnant?"

"I don't think so."

"Well, I feel that you are showing some signs of hysteria. I recommend becoming pregnant and having a child as soon as you are able. This should bring your womb back into place and cure your symptoms."

"I feel fine, Dr. Jones."

"As is natural," he said calmly. "It is very common for a woman's womb to wander. It's highly likely this happened before you were married and you never noticed, hence why you didn't notice until your husband mentioned it."

I've read anatomy books, and I don't see where exactly my uterus would wander to when I'm not looking. I can't help but feel I'd notice something like that. But I don't know. Kurloz is right that neither my mother nor I have any sort of formal education. We just have books. I don't usually trust male doctors, but it's true that I never went to school. What knowledge can I lay claim to that a physician wouldn't have?

I don't know. I don't feel hysterical, but maybe Dr. Jones is right. I want to be pregnant anyways.

8 July 1641

My stomach was turning today when I woke up and I hope so badly it's a baby! It would be good for my health and anyways, I want a baby. I haven't mentioned to Kurloz that I want a little baby girl. He needs us to have a son, so I haven't talked about my wish for a daughter. I want to pass on these things I know as the midwife to my daughter.

The knowledge I have as a midwife that a doctor will never have is the simple experience of being a woman. It 's not much, but I think it helps, sometimes. I want to pass on what I know from my mama, what she learned from her real mother, on to my daughter, who can pass it on to her daughter, and on and on.

11 July 1641

I haven't gotten my bleeding yet, which is a good sign! I never thought I'd be happy to vomit. I'll wait a week or two more to tell my darling, so I don't get his hopes up for nothing, but I think this might be a pregnancy! I hope it is.

It's going to be hard to do my duties when I'm seven or eight months along. Maybe I'll have time off to lay about feeling terrible. I'll manage either way! I know women who work in the fields practically until they're in labor. Of course Kurloz insists I rest when I'm pregnant. It must make him nervous. I'm nervous, and he loves me, so of course he'd worry.

I'd get bored with nothing to do. If I had to sit around and do nothing while I was pregnant I think I'd lose my mind. My mama says I never sat still when I was a child. Even though there are lots of books for me to read here, without something to do I'd go mad. It's a good thing there's plenty to do!

14 July 1641

I mentioned to Grace today how I'd like to have a daughter.

"I'd teach her everything I know," I said.

"Oh? Like what?"

I remembered suddenly that I couldn't tell her and felt the distance between us again. "Reading and writing, of course, and languages. Like how my mother taught me."

"Most of us noblewomen read and write," she said kindly. "I'm sure your daughters will learn how."

I nodded, but I thought again about how I might not be able to teach my daughter how to be the midwife. There's a lot I might not get to teach her. For that matter, there's a lot I might never get to teach my sons. I want to teach them love and compassion and I don't know if I'll get to do that here. My love is a kind man, but his father didn't teach him that. I don't think anyone did; I think he learned it on his own. I want to teach my children kindness. I will teach my children kindness. No matter what else happens, I will be kind to my children.

17 July 1641

I wonder how Button's doing. Kitty said she was going to try to get Button a tomcat so she could have kittens, but I haven't heard anything else about it. I miss my cat. That probably seems so silly! Missing my cat when I have my husband with me. But I do miss Button. She's such a sweet kitten.

I felt unwell again today. I hope it's because I'm pregnant! I want to believe I can have a lovely baby with my darling. Kitty's told me she's excited to be an aunt to my baby. My little ones will have so many people who love them. Their parents, of course, and my sister, and my ladies, and our nanny, and hopefully some other children…I want my children to grow up knowing they are loved.

20 July 1641

Kurloz's brother looked terribly ill at dinner today-pale and sweaty and trembling. I wanted to go over and feel for a fever, but I'm not the midwife here and I don't do things like that. Proper ladies don't, and so I can't.

So instead I asked Kurloz later. He said it happens when his brother tries to not take the opium for a few days. Apparently he'll pace up and down the halls of the castle at all hours of the day and night, shaking and running his hands through his hair.

"It sounds like he's miserable."

"I wouldn't know. He doesn't talk about it much, and not to me."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"What for?"

"It sounds hard, your brother having this problem."

He shrugged. "We've never been close. He's been like this a long time, ever since he had that fever when he was thirteen."

I can't imagine not being close to my sister, but then, just because we share blood doesn't mean we'd be guaranteed to get along. "Alright. If you ever want to talk about it…"

"I know," he said. "You're here for me." It sounded a little like he was mocking me, but I think more likely he's just tired. I would be.

"I love you."

"I love you too," he said.

24 July 1641

I wonder if Kitty would like it if I sent her a gift for her birthday. She hasn't been writing, but maybe she'd still like something. I mean, I have money now! There are so many nice things I could buy her now. She loves studying biology-maybe I could get her some book about that, something about plants or animals. I'm sure she'd like it. I just hope she isn't angry with me. I don't know why she wouldn't be writing, because I know she's busy but things have been getting better, except that perhaps she's mad at me.

I hope she's not mad at me. I'd like to think I'm good at telling these things, but sometimes I think my own husband is angry with me and he says he's not. So I don't know anymore if I can trust my intuition about whether or not Kitty's mad at me. I feel like I used to trust myself more, and these days I hardly feel sure of anything.

I'm very tired. I'm going to lie down for some rest.

28 July 1641

I think I should've gotten my bleeding by now. Maybe I really am pregnant! Oh, I hope so. I haven't mentioned it to my ladies, or even my husband, but I think I might be. I did write it to my sister, though. I've always told Kitty most everything, and she's almost as excited to be an aunt as I am to be a mother. I know she's going to be a wonderful aunt. I'm so excited to play with her and my baby together, as a family. I've always wanted a family, and I'm just so excited to have one.

My dear has been a bit calmer, lately. He's been laughing more, even when my jokes aren't very good. It makes me so happy when I can make him laugh. His eyes light up and his face breaks into the biggest grin, and he looks like he could light up the world. Nothing makes me quite so happy as making my love smile.

1 August 1641

I am definitely going to send Kitty a book for her birthday, because I found the perfect book. It's these tiny little things that make up plants-cells, I think. Someone's made a device for looking at the world and seeing that plants are made up these tiny little units all stuck together. I think it's interesting, but I know Kitty will be even more interested.

I wrote a letter wishing her a happy birthday today and told her I missed her and I'd come see her as soon as my baby was born. And I will! As soon as my baby is born, I'll go over to see her so she can meet my little one.

I mentioned it to Kurloz, how my sister is going to be a wonderful aunt, and he smiled and said he knew she would be.

5 August 1641

Today is Kitty's birthday! She's eighteen years old today, a proper grown-up. My goodness, I'd bet she's grown since I last saw her. I wonder if we're the same height now. I was almost exactly the same height as my mama, and last I saw Kitty she was a little shorter than me still. We're small in this family.

I wonder if my child will be tall or short. I'm small, and so is my sister, but Kurloz's family are all tall, skinny people. Well, they're skinny for nobles, anyways, and taller than anyone else I know. Who will our baby look more like?

I think I'm going to tell my husband soon, so he knows. It'll be a weight off his shoulders, I think. Anything I can do to make him happier I will.

8 August 1641

I felt absolutely awful today, sick to my stomach, and I told my husband why.

"Kurloz, I'm pregnant."

"Oh, Meulin, that's wonderful!" he said, taking my hands. "Get some rest, then. Best rest up until our baby gets here."

"I will. I'm so excited to see my sister, though! She's going to be thrilled."

"We said, though, that you won't go traveling while you're pregnant," he said sternly.

"And I won't," I said. "I'm not a child, Kurloz. I'm just looking forward to seeing my sister again."

"I didn't mean to say you were," he said. "I just worry. You don't always think things through."

"I'll stay inside," I said. "I'll rest until the baby's born."

"Good," he said, kissing my forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too."

11 August 1641

I mentioned that I'm pregnant to Magdelena and Grace today while we were sitting together working on correspondence.

"That's wonderful!" Magdelena gushed. "Oh my goodness, you're going to have such a cute baby!"

"I hope so," I said. I'm afraid of getting my hopes up, but I want this baby so very much.

"I know so," she said. "How exciting!"

"I'm glad to hear that," Grace said. "Do you know, daughter or son?"

"I don't," I said. "My mother told me she knew her first child was a son, but not until later. I rather hope for a daughter, though."

"You've mentioned that before," Grace said. "Have you always wanted daughters?"

"Since I was young."

"And sons?"

"I'd love to have a son," I said truthfully. "But I've always wanted at least one daughter. No matter what happens, I just hope my child is healthy."

Magdelena nodded. "Of course. Our physician is very skilled."

I privately doubt that, but I nodded my agreement. And maybe I am being unfair to the man. Maybe there is something wrong with my mind, some reason I've been so forgetful and easily confused lately. How would I know? I'm in my own head.

"My husband is thrilled," I said.

"Of course he is!"

"I only wish he'd fret less."

"How do you mean?" Grace asked.

"Oh, he just worries. He doesn't even like me to go riding when I'm pregnant. He's worried something will happen to me while I'm not here, or that going out in the cold or heat will make me ill."

"That's sweet," she said with a little smile.

"It is." I smiled to myself. It's sweet how he worries. He cares about me.

"Look at you blushing!" Magdelena teased. "You certainly are the lucky ones."

"I think so."

I think I am lucky. I have a good life here. I love my husband and he loves me, and I'm going to have a baby soon. It's good.

15 August 1641

Today was my birthday! I'm twenty-two now. I hope to hear from Kitty soon. I know she hasn't written in a while, but it'd be nice to hear from her on my birthday. I hope she got the book I sent her. I'd like to hear if she's reading it, and if she likes it.

We had court today, of course, but afterwards we had a nice dinner and my darling gave me a beautiful necklace. He said the stone is amethyst, and it's supposed to protect the wearer.

"I don't really believe that sort of thing, but I want to keep you safe," he said.

"It's beautiful. Thank you so much." I put it on and glanced in our mirror. It does look beautiful.

"I'm so glad you like it," he said with that shy smile of his. "I hope it keeps you and our baby safe."

"Our baby is safe."

"I know."

"Have we gotten any letters today?"

"No, I don't think so. Why?"

"I rather hoped my sister would write. I want to know if she likes the book I sent her."

"Nothing today," he said. "Maybe tomorrow or the next day? It might take a couple of days."

"Yes," I agreed. I'm sure I'll hear from her soon.

19 August 1641

I finally got a letter from Kitty today! She didn't mention the book, though. Maybe she doesn't like it and didn't want to tell me. Or maybe she hasn't had time! She must be busy these days.

But reading the letter reminded me how much I miss her. I haven't seen her in person in months, not since…my goodness, last November! I miss her very badly, but Kurloz will never let me go see her while I'm pregnant. He'd be furious. I still think he's overreacting, but he worries. And I have already lost two babies. I would be worried caring for a woman who'd had two miscarriages already. My mama said when she was pregnant her husband fretted, tried to take extra care of her and everything.

22 August 1641

Today is my mama's birthday. It's been so long since she died and still I miss her on her birthday. She didn't make much fuss about it, because she said she was too old for such things, but we still celebrated.

She wasn't all that old. Kurloz's father is the same age and he's doing just fine-he's only forty-six. He'll live twenty years more at least. I think she just felt old, from the weight on her shoulders.

I think his father is to blame for my husband's moods. The days he meets with his father are nearly always the days he's sullen or irate. Today was one such day.

"How was your day?" I asked after dinner, when we were in our room alone together.

"Long," he said. "My father and I talked again."

"What about?"

"How we need to have a son. I wish he'd stop bothering me about it. I told him we're doing everything we can, but he won't…leave me alone, I suppose."

"I'm sorry, my dear," I said. "I am trying."

"I know you are. And once you have the baby, it'll be better."

I know he didn't mean to, but I felt all the guilt for how his father treats him come to rest squarely on my shoulders. If I could only have a baby-and we've been married long enough, heaven knows-his life would be so much easier.

"I love you."

"I love you too," he said. "It's going to be alright. Just a few more months."

Just a few more months, and we can both breathe easy.

27 August 1641

I went riding with Ellen today. It did not go as well as it could have. We were riding in the forest when a fox ran out in front of us. I leaned forwards to see, but my horse started and since us women have to ride sidesaddle, I fell off the horse and landed face-first in the muddy road. It rained yesterday, too, which made it even worse. There I was, a proper noblewoman, with my face and front of my dress as muddy as a child's. I haven't been so dirty since I was a child and played in the mud for fun.

Ellen was kind about it. She helped me back on my horse and brought me back inside by a back way, so no one would see me. She's the quiet sort, so I don't think she'd gossip about it, but I'm sure someone saw me and the whole castle will know by tomorrow how the wife of the duke's son can't even ride a damned horse.

I've never felt so ridiculous. I may know how to stitch up a would and delivery a baby, but that's no good here. My ladies all know the skills they need for this role, and here I am, stumbling around like I don't know which way is up.

I just want to go to bed. Maybe I'll feel better tomorrow.

29 August 1641

My husband heard what happened.

"Who told you?"

"Sir Adams," he said. "I don't know where he heard it. He asked me if you were well."

Sir Adams is one of the knights in the court. I don't remember what he does, but he and my husband sometimes go hunting together. "I'm fine."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I felt silly."

"But you could've been hurt!" he said, taking my hands. "I'm glad you're alright, but you could've broken a bone, or…I don't know!"

"I didn't want you to worry," I said, feeling silly.

"I'm your husband. Of course I worry about you." He touched my cheek, gentle as could be, and I leaned in to his touch. "I always will. I just wish you'd tell me these things."

"I will."

"And please be careful riding. I'm sure it's less strain on your body, but I wouldn't want you to lose our baby."

I hadn't even thought of that. "I will be. Ellen knows what she's doing."

"Ellen?"

"Lady Bennet." He doesn't know my ladies' first names. Apparently it's improper. "She's a good rider."

He nodded. "Just…be safe, my Meulin."

"I will be. I promise." He kissed my forehead, so tenderly I could hardly stand it. He's such a sweetheart. I love him so much.

2 September 1641

I felt terribly ill today while I was trying to work on the tapestry my ladies and I are making. I could hardly stitch a leaf! I learned embroidery on leaves and flowers, and today I could hardly manage that. My ladies were kind about it, saying it must be hard to pregnant. It certainly can be. Only Katherine has children of her own, and she's still a bit standoffish, but they're all sympathetic.

"Maybe you should talk to the physician," Ellen suggested.

"I suppose. What would he do?"

"I'm sure there's something for nausea. Everyone gets sick to their stomach sometimes."

I nodded. I still don't trust the castle physician much, but I think I might be being unfair to him. "I think I'll do that."

"I hope it gets easier," Grace said.

"It will, in about a month. The first three months are the hardest, my mother always said."

"My mother said the same."

Katherine nodded her agreement, but didn't say anything.

"I might just do the border today," I said. "Maybe put in some forget-me-nots."

"Why those?" Magdelena asked, and suddenly I remembered again the gulf between me and them. My mama is buried in no churchyard, with only flowers to guard her memory. Those flowers grow around our home, in our forest. They're on my old skirts and Kitty brings them inside in the winter to keep them warm. I couldn't say any of that to them.

"They're just so lovely! But maybe roses, for the colors."

"I like roses," Ellen said. She has a good sense of color, and I wasn't sure about the forget-me-nots anyways, so I put in a couple of roses before dinner.

6 September 1641

I've never felt so lonely when around so many people. It struck me, sitting at one of the big meals the other day, how I felt like I didn't know anyone at the table except my husband. There's distance between me and my ladies, and between me and my in-laws, and I can't talk to most of the men without it being improper.

I miss my friends. Isn't that silly? I have my husband and soon my baby, and I miss the girls I spent time with when I was a child. Maybe I just miss being a child. I didn't have so many responsibilities and duties when I was a child, and fewer people expected things of me. It felt easier. Or maybe I miss having people to talk to. I can tell my husband anything, of course, but I like to talk to lots of people, and somehow I don't think my ladies would appreciate my stories about being a wild child in the forest.

I don't know what it is I miss. I'm sure once I have my baby I'll be entirely too busy to miss much of anything!

9 September 1641

I made up my mind and went to see the physician today. I told him I felt ill because I was pregnant and asked him what I might do about it.

"There's not much to be done about it," he said.

"Pardon?"

"You should consider yourself blessed," he said seriously. "God has brought you this child. Some illness is a small price to pay."

I blinked, not sure what to say. My mama always taught me that while childbearing is hard, it was our job to make it easier. She told me that the pain was enough, and anything we could do to ease it was a great kindness. But maybe the physician is right and I should just accept the pain as part of having a baby. He told me if I wasn't feeling well I best rest, stay in bed and let my husband take care of things.

I don't know exactly what my husband is supposed to take care of, since we don't have the same responsibilities. But I might as well rest while I can, because goodness knows I'll be busy enough after the baby is born!

13 September 1641

I tried to bring up the idea of going to see my sister by carriage today to my darling, and he…did not take it well.

"If I went by carriage, there wouldn't be any danger to me or the baby. I'd just like to see her, for a little bit."

"It's still a bad idea. Anything could happen to your carriage, or while you're in the forest, and there would be no one around."

"My sister knows some of the same things I do about medicine."

"I'd worry. I would be so worried I wouldn't be able to get anything done."

"I'd just be going to see my sister. Nothing bad will happen!"

"But something could! Anything could happen to you! Can't you just stay here?"

"I want to see my sister!"

"There's no need to shout," he said. "Or act like a child."

"She's one of the most important people in my life, Kurloz. Please, just for a day."

"No. Not until our child is born."

I knew there was no point arguing anymore, so I just nodded. "Alright. I understand."

"Thank you, Meulin. Knowing you're safe is a weight off my mind." He kissed my forehead and hugged me tight. I suppose it's sweet how he worries so much, but I wish he'd relax a little. I'm an adult and I can take care of myself. I feel like sometimes he forgets that.

18 September 1641

I feel unwell, but not like I have these past months. I woke up today feeling terribly dizzy and warm, like even the cool stone walls couldn't keep the last of the summer heat out. I suspect I may have a fever of some sort. Normally I'd take my medicines, but I don't have them here, so I suppose I'd best drink lots of water and get a good night's sleep. My mama always said a good night's sleep is one of the best treatments for many ailments, of the body as well as the mind.

I don't think I'll mention it to anyone unless it gets worse. I don't want my husband or anyone else to worry about me.

21 September 1641

I feel much better. I suppose it was just a cold. Goodness knows those happen to everyone! I've seen my husband when he gets ill. He tries to ignore it, of course, until he's shaking so badly he can hardly hold a pen or his voice vanishes completely. I wish he'd take better care of himself. If he worried about himself half as much as he worries about me, he might actually take a day off the next time he has a cold.

I hope I start showing soon. I'm excited to see and not just feel my baby. And I'm excited to feel the kicking! My mama said it usually starts around the fourth or fifth month, and you can definitely feel it! I remember her showing me when we cared for pregnant women, and how strange it felt to feel the baby moving around in there. I can't wait to feel it for myself.

25 September 1641

It happened again. This time it was at night, as I was going back to my room from my husband's. I stopped in my tracks as I felt the pain wash over me in wave, like something was squeezing every pain point I have. I gasped and braced myself on the wall and tried to catch my breath, but before I could do much else my darling was at my side.

"Meulin? What's wrong?"

"My baby…"

"Not again…" He scooped me up in his arms (skinny as he is, he's still well-fed and strong) and carried me to my bed. "I'll get the physician."

"Please, no."

"You need a doctor."

"Please don't go."

"I have to."

The physician frowned seriously, then told me to take some laudanum. He didn't have much else to say; he just put the medicine next to my bed and left. I suspect he didn't know what else to do.

"Alright," my husband said. "Here you go."

"I don't want it." Laudanum scares me. It's so strong, and I've only ever used it myself for people who I think may not make it.

"The doctor prescribed it. Just have some. It'll help."

"I don't want any!"

"My dear, that's the hysteria talking. You've just miscarried. It's no wonder you'd be hysterical. This will help."

I knew there was no point in arguing, so I took as little as I could and then I fell asleep. I still feel a little strange as I write this, but I seem to have slept through most of the feeling. I don't know if it helped because I still feel terrible. My stomach aches with cramps and I feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of the despair. This is my third miscarriage. What on Earth is wrong with me? Why can't I have a baby? What am I doing wrong? This time I was so careful. I fell off the horse, and had a fever, but those were both over before I lost this baby. I don't know what's wrong with me.

28 September 1641

Kurloz has been insisting I take the laudanum every night. It always makes me feel strange. It's hard to describe, but I feel like I'm slightly to the right of myself. It feels…nice, I suppose. I feel warm and calm and happy, but also slightly outside of myself, and I don't know what to make of it. I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill by fearing it so much, or if I'm right to worry. It's the drug Gamzee takes, I think.

Kurloz said the physician said I should take it for a week. It does help the pain, and there is certainly enough pain. The bleeding is done but the pain has lasted longer this time.

Everything hurts. I think I understand now the sadness that weighed on my mother. I feel empty and tired and heavy, and I never knew it was possible to feel so hollowed out and so heavy at the same time.

30 September 1641

Kurloz has hardly spoken to me except to remind me to take my medicine. I know he's upset with me. I feel terrible. He had so much hope pinned on this baby and I lost it, again. I think I must be cursed. I don't know what I've done but there must be something wrong with me that this keeps happening to me. How can I possibly have had three pregnancies and no babies by anything else than the will of God? What have I done wrong?

My ladies have been more subdued lately, too, I suspect because I've been acting different. I just don't know what to do. Kurloz is hardly speaking to me and I can't really talk to my ladies and I never know when or if Kitty will write me back. I can write, and it helps, but it's not the same.

I feel so very alone.