"The Haunting Past"
Syaoran knocked on her door calmly, not wanting to scare her. He could not believe that he had come to her place at one in the morning to cry about his problems to her, again.
How pathetic...
The door opened, to his relief, only to reveal a worried Sakura.
She grabbed his hand, pulling him inside her apartment. "What's going on? Are you okay?" she asked worriedly, closing the door behind her to shut out the freezing air.
"Sakura..." he called, dropping his head low in shame. "I'm so pathetic..."
He felt it to be true the moment he heard it out loud.
"Why do you say that? You know that's not true, so why?" she asked softly, leading him to her living room.
She made him sit on the couch beside her as she wrapped her arm around him.
"Because you were right..." he said, staring down at the table in front of them. "I'm not better. I'm still pathetic because I still think about sex when things aren't going right in my life..."
"What happened?" she asked softly.
He was quirt for a moment, not sure if he should tell her what happened. He had to though.
"I-I...thought I was better...I thought you were wrong about...me. I thought that...just maybe..." he paused, feeling like he would disappoint her with this.
"What made you think about sex?" she asked.
He was surprised that she had guessed without him having to tell her anything.
"I wanted to see if I was better, so I..." He clenched his fists together, suddenly feeling angry at himself...and her.
"What did you do, Syaoran?" she asked, a little edginess to her tone now.
"I...wanted to see if I could...text the woman who gave birth to me..." he said, feeling the back of his eyes burn with tears; angry tears. "I was just going to check on her...just to know if I'd feel...the way I feel right now. I thought I was better and that I wouldn't...and I..." he stopped, closing his eyes tightly.
"Syaoran," he heard her call softly.
When she did not say anything, he took the hint and looked at her hesitantly.
"You miss her," she said.
His heart nearly stopped beating, hearing her say that, of all things in the world. "Hell no. What the hell am I supposed to miss? How much she showed she hates me?" he asked, pulling back from her touch now.
He suddenly felt disconnected from her after that question.
"I don't know what you could miss...but I do know that coming up with the idea to contact her would have never came to mind if you didn't..." she said softly, removing her hands from his body.
He suddenly missed the physical contact from her. "I don't wanna see her though. I don't want to know how she's doing. I just wanted to see..." He stopped, realizing he did not know why he thought of that. "I wanted to see...if I was truly better..."
"And that was the only way?" she asked softly.
He shook his head, realizing what she is trying to do. "No, Sakura. I don't miss her and I don't care about how she's doing. She can rot in hell for all I care," he said with hatred.
He truly meant that from the bottom of his heart. She did not deserve his concerns or care. She deserved nothing from him, so she would not get anything from him.
"Okay," she said softly.
He frowned, not liking that response from her. "What should I do to get rid of this feeling?" he asked, hearing the desperation in his own tone.
"What do you think?" she asked, pulling him back over in her arms. She laid back, pulling him with her to lie on her chest.
He situated them to lay over on the couch so he could rest between her legs and lay on her chest.
When her fingers slid in his hair, he closed his eyes, suddenly knowing the answer to the question.
"Do you think...do you think if I...actually check up on her, the feeling will go away?" he asked slowly.
"That's what I was thinking..." she said, stroking his hair gently. "Maybe it won't be as bad as you're thinking it will. Even if you don't want to know she's doing fine or hoping that she's suffering...it might give you peace of mind just doing the act."
He sat up from her chest, looking her directly in the eyes. "Will you help me?"
"Of course," she said, giving him an encouraging smile.
His cheeks warmed, seeing the sincerity in her eyes.
"Where's your phone? Let's do it tonight so you won't have to stress about it tomorrow at work and waiting around for a text. If we do it now, you know we won't get a text back tonight because it's late," she explained.
He sat up, facing her as he reached in his back pocket to grab out his phone. He handed it to her, but she would not take it. "You send the text," he said quietly.
"That defeats the purpose," she said, giggling at his behavior.
His frown only deepened. "I..."
"We can do it together then. First, let's come up with what you should say."
He took a deep, shaky breath before releasing it. "I don't know..."
"Okay, let's go with...'I hope you're doing well?'" she questioned.
He shook his head. "I don't hope that though."
"Let me see your phone," she said, already taking the phone from his hand.
She typed in the password he had given her a few weeks ago. "I'm going to say—what is her contact name?" she asked, looking at him curiously.
"...Mom," he said quietly, feeling himself become irritated suddenly. "Which I need to change."
"Mom..." she said thoughtfully, making him frown even deeper.
"Don't get any ideas in that head of yours. Only reason that's her contact name is because I've never changed any of my contact information. I just transfer contacts over to the next phone."
"You've never blocked her? She's...tried to contact you numerous times throughout the years..." she said, eyes training on the screen of his phone.
He frowned, taking the phone from her gently. "It doesn't matter what she's tried to do. I don't want to have anything to do with her," he said, pressing the trash button to delete the entire thread of texts.
'Are you sure you want to delete this thread?'
"You don't want to do that," she said, just as he was getting ready to press the yes. "You're going to need those for later to get answers."
He pressed the 'no' before handing her back the phone with an exhausted sigh. "You do this, then. You handle it. I can't do it," he said, feeling everything become heavy suddenly.
"I'm going to text and say..." she stopped talking as she was already typing the message.
The anticipation rose in his chest, hearing the keys press.
A few seconds passed before she showed him the phone.
'Hey, I know it's late but I was just thinking about you—'
"No, I can't even read all of that."
"Fine, I'll rearrange it," she said, typing in another message.
She showed him after a minute.
He read the first word and told her no again before he just decided to take the phone from her all together. He typed in a message slowly before showing her.
"It's really late right now, but I just wanted to shoot you a text to let you know that I'm still alive," she read the message out loud.
He held his breath, anticipating her response to the text.
"Why this?" she asked softly.
"Well...she's asked me numerous of times throughout the years how I've been and I've never responded, so...I feel this to be the best response," he said.
"Hit send then," she said.
He looked at her hesitantly, not sure if he had her approval or not. He took a deep breath before releasing it. "Is that okay?" he asked, feeling the pressure rise in his chest.
"I would say that," she said, taking his phone. "I'm going to send it."
He reached for his phone, suddenly feeling the need to change his mind. "Maybe this isn't a good idea. We can do this another time," he said, starting to erase the message.
Sakura held her hand out to him, looking at him pointedly. "Doing nothing isn't going to solve the problem. You're okay right now because you're with me, but how will it be when you leave? When you sleep at night alone? Live your day to day life at the job without me being there? What are you going to do then?" she asked.
Those questions only served to make him want Sakura in his life more than ever. He wanted her around more than he had her around these last few days. He may be alright with her not working at his job, but he definitely wanted to come home to her everyday.
"You're right..." he said sadly, noticing how right she is right now.
He had felt so much better since he got to her place and started talking to her.
He knew right then and there that he would not be able to live without her.
"Send the text. We're tackling this issue right now. We have to start somewhere," she said sternly, making him feel obligated to.
"I know, I know..." he said, yet he still did not want to.
"Hit send."
His thumb lingered over the send button, but he found it hard to tap it.
He felt soft fingers wrap around his hand and her fingers grip his on the phone. The motion suddenly made it that much easier for him.
He tapped the send button, feeling his heart nearly stop beating in his chest.
"Better?" he heard her softly ask.
And he suddenly felt a weight being lifted off him. He looked her in the eyes, seeing a genuine look in them, which brought him back to life. He nodded, leaning towards her slowly.
She turned her face away from him after noticing he was going in for a kiss. "I don't think that's a good idea," she said.
He frowned. "Why?" he asked, grabbing her face gently to turn towards him.
"I don't want you to start something I won't let you finish," she said softly.
"I just want a kiss..." he said, pushing her down on the couch so he could climb on top of her.
"Syao—"
He closed the gap between their lips, interrupting her. He just wanted to kiss her and hold her a bit.
She put her hands on his shoulders, attempting to push him off, but he grabbed her wrist, pulling back from her lips. "I promise I won't try anything more," he said, looking her directly in the eyes.
She stared at him for a moment, looking for something, it seemed before she sighed with a small smile on her face.
He grinned, leaning down to capture her soft lips with his again. He really just wanted to feel the way her lips would always love on him.
He deepened the kiss, pressing his lips into hers harder. When she let out a whimper, he attempted to slip his tongue in her mouth, but she pushed back into the couch.
He broke the kiss, taking the hint. "What's wrong, baby?" he asked.
"You're trying to have sex..." she said with a blush on her cheeks.
"I'm not," he almost whined. "We don't do that, I know. Just...let me kiss you right now..."
She stared at him for a while before giving him a pointed look. "You try and take this further, you're going—"
He closed the gap between their lips, shutting her up. He grabbed her arms gently, pulling her up. "Lets get to bed," he said, picking her up bridal style.
"Syaoran," she called, wrapping her arms around his neck as she looked him straight in the eyes.
He chuckled, kissing her cheek before walking them to her room after switching the light off in the living room. "Do you trust me?" he asked, looking at her seriously now.
"I-I do, but—"
"Show me you trust me right now then," he said in a demanding tone.
Her cheeks colored as she pursed her lips.
He kicked her door shut before carrying her to her bed, placing her down gently. He climbed on top of her, closing the gap between their lips again. He slid his hand under her pajama shirt, caressing her soft skin gently.
Her breath hitched in her throat, making him deepen the kiss. She moaned in his mouth, arching her back, making him slide his hands behind her.
He broke the kiss, laying his head on her soft breast after noticing her get too into it. He wanted so badly to make love to her, but he promised her and himself that he would not do that. "I'm going to sleep now..." he said, holding her tightly.
He heard her soft giggle as her fingers slid in his hair. "Could we get under the covers first?" she asked.
"Just let me lay on my ladies for a little longer," he said cheekily, making her laugh.
"So, are you ready to come out to us, Dr. Li?" Syaoran heard one of the doctors ask at the table.
He had decided to take a quick lunch break after working since five this morning.
He had woken up earlier than Sakura, letting her know that he would leave to get to the hospital early to get his mind off what they had done last night.
It was now one in the afternoon, which meant that he had been working for eight hours straight without a break.
He had expected a lot of people to bring their loved ones to the hospital for the trial, but not this much.
Nothing had not even been confirmed. It was all an experiment; a test to see if this procedure would stop seizures all together without the side effects and outcomes of most procedures for epilepsy. So many people were putting their lives and trust in his hands...
He had never felt so trusted and admired in his life yet so...scared; terrified that he might be the man to ruin 1,000's of lives.
He mentally slapped himself, reminding himself that he had to trust himself more than anyone else in this world in order to fall through with this.
Ideally, things should work if he had been correct about his research on seizures and the different procedures revolving seizures.
He had his team creating a prescription of medicine, which toyed with the area of the brain that the seizure would occur so they could perform the surgery.
Most seizure surgeries resulted in a lot of negative side effects, like impairment of speech, or the ability to use one side of the body and so many more.
He wanted to perform a surgery where there would be no more drastic side effects like that.
"Earth to Li," he heard one of the doctors say, snapping him out of his thoughts when he saw a hand being waved in front of him.
"Come out about what?" Syaoran asked before drinking the water from the bottle.
"You and the psychologist," Dr. Hanaka said in a suggestive tone.
Syaoran wanted to punch the smug look off the man's face, but knew he could never. The man had technically walked in on him all over Sakura.
He knew the man was looking forward to the chance of bringing this up.
"That psychologist is Kinomoto Sakura," Syaoran corrected, not liking the idea of Sakura being talked about as if she were just that.
The title of psychologist did not always hold a nice name, so he wanted to be sure to keep her in the good light, which just happened to be her name alone.
"Okay, Dr. Li, show out then. You wanna tell everyone what yesterday was about now? You have a bit of time here," Dr. Hanaka said.
"You would love to know," Syaoran remarked sarcastically before eating some of his food to distract himself from the conversation.
"We all would, right, guys?"
Syaoran looked at everyone at the table, daring them to agree with the man.
Everyone else looked to the side, some even eating their foods.
"Stop being a prick, using your power. We are all here as friends right now, remember? We made that agreement and even got you to sign those papers," he said.
Syaoran cut his eye at the man. "Those papers weren't real."
"Dr. Hanaka does...make a point, Dr. Li," one of the other doctors said uncertainly at the table.
"You're in on this now, Dr. Rui?" Syaoran asked, raising a brow.
Dr. Rui just happened to be one of the doctors on the case with him since he also specialized in neuro.
Rui held his hand up defensively. "I'm not in on anything, but I'm just saying...technically, he's right. You agreed verbally and on paper...So..."
Syaoran shook his head, eating more of his food. "We're good friends. Remember when she sprained her ankle?" Syaoran asked, looking at Dr. Hanaka.
"Yeah, we were just pulling on your leg and threw her on you because we wanted the pregnant man," Dr. Hanaka said, chuckling as he stared at his food.
"Even though that was minor and could've been handled by one of the nurses, you assholes still came to make my day that much harder," Syaoran said.
Everyone laughed at the table, except for Syaoran.
"It was Dr. Hans idea."
"Just out me then, Jun," Hans said.
"I figured it was between Hans and Hanaka. The only assholes who bring trouble to my life," Syaoran said the last part under his breath.
"Either way, what's with you two now? She sure came in here telling you yesterday," Dr. Hanaka said, reminding him about how humiliated he felt being dragged around like a doll.
He frowned. "She did not tell me with anything."
"That's not what I heard..." Dr. Hanaka said under his breath.
Syaoran glared at him. "I wonder why I still have you here sometimes."
Dr. Hanaka grinned at him. "So what's with you guys? Are you guys dating? You've been plastered all over the news for the last month or two. I think you've just been purposely ignoring or avoiding it."
Syaoran thought about it; he owed these people no explanation.
"Li, you better start talking..." Dr. Hanaka said, giving him a pointed look with a gleam in his eyes.
"Are you guys dating? I can't believe you've been going without fucking the women here," Rui said, making Syaoran cringe inside. "Or is she your therapist?"
"Of course not. What use do I need with a therapist?" he asked defensively without thinking.
"I don't know, Dr. Li. Anything could be going on with your life," he said, holding up a hand in defense.
"I don't need a psychologist. I have my shit together," he said confidently, though he knew that had not been the case.
He was just at Sakura's place brooding over his problems.
That is none of their business though.
"So you guys are dating," one of the doctors at the table said.
He wanted to shout out to the world that it was true; that Sakura is the woman he wanted to be with.
There was no way he could do that though.
They still needed to get their professional relationship straightened out first. He could not risk getting Sakura in trouble. Especially with Akinari hot right now. He had to tread lightly with everything now, as it all seemed so delicate.
"No. We're just good friends. I told you guys that we kept in contact after she left the hospital for a follow up," Syaoran said.
He could not believe he was explaining himself to them.
"What kind of friends? Have you tapped that yet?" Dr. Hanaka asked, purposely trying to irk him.
Syaoran would not let him do that today though. He would not play into the game he was trying to make him.
"This conversation is over," Syaoran said, already standing from the table with his drink in hand.
"Oh come on—"
"Nah, he's right. Let's not push it," Dr. Hanaka said to Rui.
Syaoran nodded towards them before leaving the table to get more work done.
Syaoran watched the scalpel tear into the patients skin; almost mesmerized by the red liquid pouring from it.
He was great at doing perfect and clean cuts. He never liked to leave a scar that did not look decent enough that would be there forever. Sometimes he wondered if he felt that way because he had a nasty mark from the woman who had given birth to him. He never wanted anyone else to feel that way about a mark.
"Dr. Li, I think there's something you'd want to know about," he heard one of the other doctors call as he handed the scalpel to the intern to his right.
"If it isn't important, I don't want to hear anything about it right now," he said through the mask before proceeding to open the flesh of the body on the table.
It was not like it was a complicated surgery; in fact, it was one of the easier ones, but he had wanted to scrub in, as he had not done any cutting since this trial started.
"Okay..."
He continued on with the procedure with a silence in the room that never happened.
"What was it that you wanted to say?" Syaoran decided to ask as he carefully removed the appendix.
He placed it in another nurse's hand carefully.
"It's not important," the doctor said behind her mask quietly.
Syaoran could not understand why she had decided to bring it up in the first place then. Things like this annoyed him to no end.
He stitched the patient back up before finishing the rest of the surgery.
Once they finished changing and washing off, he walked out of the room, telling the doctor who had interrupted the surgery to come with him.
Once they settled outside the room, he turned to her with a hard look in his eyes. "You know we don't stand for that in my hospital. Nothing is as important as a patients life on a table in that room. You know that so—"
"Dr. Akinari dated Dr. Kinomoto at one point, so I thought you'd like to know what everyone's saying about you in the hospital," she interrupted, staring him directly in the eyes. "We normally talk during little surgeries like that, so I was just trying to make small talk—"
"You wanted to talk gossip in the ER—" He stopped, his mind registering what she had really just said. "What?"
She crossed her arms over her chest, leaning against the wall. "One of the women you've slept with here overheard their conversation in his office yesterday. When a females dick resource is cut off, she can get pretty nasty is all I'm saying," she said, chuckling at the end. "Anywho, I have somewhere I need to be, so I'll be on my way, sir.."
Before he could even respond, she was already walking away with her head held high as if she had accomplished something.
Syaoran could not understand why she, of all people, felt the need to tell him that. He had never even slept with her before. The thought had never even crossed his mind, so why she felt like she had to tell him that was beyond him.
But more importantly, Sakura had been lying to him this entire time. She had said that Akinari had been nothing but a good friend of hers, yet she has been with him before.
The thought of her kissing the man sent his mind and raging heart on overdrive.
When the thought of her stripping out of her clothes for him crossed his mind, he almost lost it in that moment.
Quite frankly, he was not sure who he wanted to confront right now. Sakura or Akinari.
He knew if he confronted Akinari, there would be blood and jail time.
Therefore, the only person he could confront right now is Sakura.
Another betrayal on her part that was affecting him badly right now. He could not understand why she always had these type of negative affects on him when she is the one who could bring him the most happiness in his life.
He stormed to the elevator, punching the down button multiple times impatiently. He did not have time for this right now, but there was no way he could sit here and wait to see Sakura when he would have time. He would never have the time to see her today or tomorrow or the next day.
Once the elevator doors slid open, he stormed inside and hit the ground floor.
He would tell Dr. Rui to be in charge of things over the trial until he got back.
He had to settle this now.
"You have a good one, Mr. Watanabe," he heard Sakura say distantly.
A switch went off in his head at hearing that name as he closed his car door.
He had not been in contact with the man since the holidays. He had set him up an appointment to get the reversal at the end of February, but they had not had any further conversations about their problem since. Unless he had texted Syaoran and he had forgotten to respond.
Shaking his head of the thoughts, Syaoran made his way over to the building, having one mission in mind.
When Sakura caught sight of him, she looked as equally as surprised as Hitoshi did.
"Dr. Li," Watanabe said, nodding his head in acknowledgment of him.
And he suddenly felt angry at another man who is addicted to sex being here with his women alone. He knew exactly what these people were like. He knew what they thought and the thought of him thinking about his Sakura that way was infuriating.
The monster in him was driving him mad with jealousy today.
In fear of saying the wrong thing, Syaoran just nodded towards him.
"I'll be in contact with you very soon. I've had a lot going on for the reason I haven't spoken to you."
"I understand. I'll look forward to it," he said tightly.
Watanabe walked off, leaving them alone.
"What are you doing here?" Sakura asked worriedly.
Instead of responding, he pushed her inside the door fully so he could come in with her. He closed the door behind him before turning to her with a glare on his face.
"You did fuck that son of a bitch," he started off angrily.
Her eyes widened, clearly surprised by that statement. "What?"
"You fucked that so-called best friend of yours. Everyone fucking heard it," he said, feeling himself get even more angry at the thought of it.
"I—what? We did not sleep together so what are you talking about?" she asked, folding her arms over her chest as if she were angry at the accusation.
"You dated, didn't you? You're a fucking liar who can't be honest for shit!" he bellowed.
She frowned. "I did not lie and we did NOT date. Where are you hearing this nonsense from?" she asked, sounding confused as ever.
Of course she plays dumb.
"So you've never went out with him?" he asked testily, moving towards her.
When she flinched and he saw the fear flash in her eyes, he stopped approaching her.
"I would never hurt you, Sakura," he said softly, reminding her that he still care about her and her wellbeing. He would never lay a hand or degrade her in anyway she may have been thinking and he wanted her to know that. "Just answer the question."
She stopped backing away when her back hit the desktop. "I—we went on one date," she stuttered.
He saw red.
"So you did fuck him," he concluded.
"No, I didn't. I swear we didn't do anything like that," she explained quickly. "You said you trust m—"
"To hell with that when you left out the fact that you guys went out. You said your relationship wasn't like —"
"And it's not. We tried to go on a date but it didn't feel right because we didn't see each other like that—"
"What else did you guys do? Tell me the full fucking truth, Sakura," he demanded angrily, clenching his fist now, digging his nails into the palm of his hands to inflict some sort of pain on himself to distract himself from the dangerous emotions.
"W-we—I..."
"Say it!" he hissed, getting more upset at her delay in response.
She shook her head vigorously. "It wasn't like that! We went on one date and that was it."
"Did he touch you?" he asked, moving closer to her again. If she had said yes, he would have to touch her all over again to get rid of the thought of another man touching her.
"No. We didn't do anything like that—"
"Did he kiss you?"
"Syaoran—"
"Sakura, answer the question. I'm going to get the answers one way or another," he said calmly, trying to ease the rage in his heart. He hated yelling at anyone; so of course he did not want to do that to Sakura, of all people.
She was quiet for a moment, as if she did not want to say the answer he knew she would say.
"Sakura—"
His phone went off in his pocket, making her eyes fall down to it.
"Saku—"
"You should answer the phone—"
"Answer my damn question—"
When the phone kept ringing, Sakura glared at him. "Answer the phone!" she said.
Syaoran reached into his pocket, taking his phone out to go off on the person interrupting their conversation.
As soon as he looked at the caller ID, everything else was forgotten.
He stared at his phone, nearly immobilized as everything else drowned out.
"Syaoran."
'You're worthless.'
'I wish you were never born!'
'It should've been you, not him!'
He closed his eyes tightly, wishing the memories...the pain of the memories would vanish.
"You don't have to pick up the call," he heard Sakura's voice say distantly.
The phone stopped ringing, snapping him out of his trance of torture.
"Syaoran," Sakura called again.
Syaoran swallowed nervously, turning his attention back to Sakura. "S-so, did you guys..."
A message came through before he could finish that statement, making his eyes fall on the screen.
He swallowed, seeing the name 'mom' on the screen.
"We kissed...once, but it was really weird and it ended right after that," Sakura blurted, making his attention draw back to her with fire in his eyes.
"What?!"
The door to her practice opened, revealing the woman he had seen months ago in the group session.
"So, you're the source of the ruckus I hear outside the door..." Akiho said, giving them both a disapproving look.
Fuck.
A/N: I'm so so sorry for the delay of the update! I wanted to upload the chapter sooner, but never got around to writing the last scene until a few days ago. Just when I wanted to edit, but connection on my laptop has not been working all day, so I apologize for any errors since I edited this chapter on my phone!
I did not get around to responding to reviews, but I did read them and appreciate every last one of them! You guys are just so supportive that it gets overwhelming sometimes for me! As soon as my connection starts working again on my laptop, I'll get around to responding to them!
But aside from that, how did you guys like this chapter? There wasn't as much action as I wanted from the hospital in this chapter, but there was enough to take me through the rest of this year :P. Hmmm...do you guys think Syaoran's overreacting about Sakura and Aki's past? Which woman spread these rumors in the hospital and why did she feel the need to let Syaoran know? And Yelan's steadily trying to squeeze herself back in Syaoran's life! Will Syaoran let her? Will Sakura do some convincing to help him get his closure? And where was Aki this chapter? Was he formulating a plan for mending his relationship with Sakura? Hmmm...I'm going to end the note here, as I've already said too much xD
Oh! And Happy New Years in advance in case I don't upload again this year! I hope you guys have a great fulfilling year!(And next decade!)
Ja ne!