Chapter 40

When Scarlett left Will, her heart felt momentarily light from laying her burdens and confessions on Will's shoulders. But in the very deepest chambers of her heart, she felt guilty and afraid that she did not tell Will that after Ashley, she has set her mind to pursue and get Rhett Butler. She was almost helpless in her hopes to secure her husband now. And yet the very same deep chambers resonated with uncomfortable truths about Rhett.

During her conversation with Will, Scarlett had heard herself speaking for the first time. It seemed like the first time. How clearly and wonderfully she had explained her own nightmare of running through the mist. Yes, that was what she had been doing. It felt like she had been doing that since she was born. Never mind who she was running from or where she was running or why she was running. The point was she would always be running or in Rhett's words -always be reaching for the moon. Ellen had been that place of safety and security. And Ashley had been a temporary relief. Or rather Ashley's words had been a temporary relief. The way he rode down to Tara from his European trip, a handsome, learned, cultured man and yet so full of chivalry and nobility, taking off his hat and looking up at her. How overjoyed she had been in her teen years. She had assumed so hastily that since Ashley appeared so genteel and noble, he would identify the same qualities in her - or when he said he identified them, that he spoke the truth. She never for once imagined that Ashley harbored thoughts of lust towards her and avoided her as if she were some poisonous temptation. Scarlett shuddered as she thought these words and recoiled with disgust at her own conclusions.

But now the trouble was whenever she tried to fit the same coat of armor on Rhett, her own experiences with him rose in a loud shout against her. Hope conflicted with fear for now several things were becoming evidently clear. She cast her thoughts back and marvelled at how two conversations they had had - the one on the night after Melanie's reception and the one after Melanie's death, two very different conversations but how similar they had been in tone and emotion.

In the first, She had been high-handed with Rhett. Rhett was drunk and he was raging and bellowing. But she could see that he was jealous of herself and Ashley and she had coldly remarked that he was jealous and he would never understand that kind of love. That he was only capable of carnal lusts. She said she had felt pity for him and she had walked away.

And in the second, they had changed places. She was the one earnest and pleading now. And Rhett had been as cold and dismissive as she had been before. He copied her tone and her lack of emotion - the words were different, the situation was different but the tone and emotion were the same. Almost as if he wanted to hurt her and cause her as much pain as she caused him.

And now several instances came leaping to her mind when Rhett played tit-for-tat. It was strange that just after she had excluded Rhett from her relationship with Ashley, Rhett had taken steps to secure Bonnie's affection and exclude Scarlett from his relationship with the little girl. Just as she closed the door on him, he closed the door on her. She had been insensible then. It was strange how everything he had adored about her, her single-mindedness, her bravery, her quick words, her frankness... everything that he loved about her was what he hated about her now. He called her single-mindedness - stubbornness, her bravery was now childish tantrums, her quick words were thoughtless and selfish, and she should have been soothing instead of frank. Even as she thought this, she wondered if Rhett might be crazy for turning the tables on her as he did in the end. And it wasn't even that she defended herself or that she couldn't change - but wasn't he overreacting to everything? They had both been bad and horrible with each other. Why couldn't he see the good with the bad?

Why was his heart fixed on her being bad and why was Scarlett's heart threatening to fix itself on him being good despite her brain telling her otherwise?

Pangs of dull pain wrenched her heart now but she couldn't cry just yet. She glumly wondered why. Her heart tore and twisted within her. Was there any way to resolve this stabbing pain of conflict?! Anxiously she clutched at her head and reached for some headache pills.

She was at her own home now. And in front of her were some unopened letters. One was a thank-you note by Hanna and worded by Aunt Pauline. She decided to open that one later. The others were some bills. Already somebody else wanted her to find a suitable place for him to work in. Cookie had sent up the maid to tell Scarlett that a man was waiting at the kitchen's rear entrance with his hat in his hands, waiting to speak to her. Scarlett smiled lightly. Her only solace was in her present occupation now. She felt happy when she thought of that. It made her happier than many things- almost as happy as her darling sawmills.

Distractedly she tore open Aunt Pauline's letter and another smaller letter fell out.

Her hands trembled violently as she picked up the paper and her eyes fell on her Aunt's wispy writing,

"Rhett visited us last week and inquired after you-"