Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own Attack on Titan

Rated M for gore violence, language, and sexual content

Enjoy

Southern Cadet Corps Headquarters, Wall Rose, 850...

Vanessa found a spot to practice hand-to-hand combat. Her partner, Mikasa, was silent and held the wooden knife in her hand. They faced each other. Mikasa flexed her wrist. "Ready?"

Vanessa nodded. Mikasa charged. She was fast, and had the knife aimed for the belly. Vanessa waited until it was too late. She grabbed Mikasa's wrists, but she felt the poke against her abdomen. Mikasa paused before she poked too hard. "You're dead."

Vanessa let her go. "Yeah. Let's go again."

Mikasa narrowed her eyes ever so slightly. They re-positioned themselves back. Mikasa switched the knife to her other hand. She rushed forward again, and raised her hand. Vanessa hesitated when Mikasa got close. She stepped to the side and grabbed Mikasa's arm, diverting her away. However, Mikasa grabbed Vanessa's collar and pulled her in close. Vanessa found herself wrapped in Mikasa's arms with the wooden blade against her throat. "Dead again."

"Damn," Vanessa said. "Another try?"

Mikasa released her. "Why are you holding back?"

Vanessa blinked as she readjusted her jacket. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Mikasa lashed out, slicing the knife across Vanessa's chest. Vanessa jumped back way too late. She sighed and shrugged. "Okay, maybe I am."

"Why?" Mikasa asked. "What's the point? You never used to. We were always fighting for the top of the class. Now...it's like you're trying to stay out of the top ten."

"I just don't like hand-to-hand combat training," Vanessa said. "It doesn't count against our final grade. Besides, when I fight someone for real...I don't want them to know what I can do. I don't feel the need to take this seriously."

"You haven't been taking anything seriously," Mikasa pointed out. She eased her grip on the knife. "We're training to fight titans, not people. Your true skills need to be known."

Vanessa frowned. "The Scouts don't care if you're in the top ten."

This surprised Mikasa. "I thought you were joining the Military Police?"

Vanessa said nothing. Mikasa tapped the knife against her thigh as thought of an idea. "You know...I knew about that bet you had...with Ymir."

Vanessa raised an eyebrow. Mikasa smirked ever so slightly. "I knew if you had lost you would've had to do her chores until graduation. So...I let you win."

In a flash of movement, Vanessa threw her fist, aimed for Mikasa's face. She dodged in time, and jumped back to maintain distance. Mikasa noticed the pure rage on Vanessa's face, and now she smiled. She tossed the knife aside, not wanting any burdens. Vanessa took a big step forward and raised her leg. Mikasa mirrored her actions, raising her own leg. Their shins slammed against each other. They both lowered their legs, and turned over their shoulders. Despite the height difference, they moved in sync. They threw their fists, but blocked the other. Vanessa raised her knee, but Mikasa dropped her elbow to block it. Vanessa grabbed ahold of Mikasa's wrists and spread her arms. She raised her leg up and hooked it around Mikasa's neck. She squeezed Mikasa's throat between her thigh and calf. Vanessa yanked her down until Mikasa was stuck between her legs. Mikasa jabbed her fist into Vanessa's stomach which allowed her to slip free. Vanessa stumbled back, still glaring. "I won that bet fair and square."

"Guess you'll never know," Mikasa taunted, popping a kink in her neck.

Vanessa attacked again. She dropped down, aiming to sweep Mikasa's feet, but Mikasa jumped up. Vanessa kept spinning. She braced herself, and swung her leg up. Mikasa leaned back, avoiding the kick. Vanessa spun once more, and threw her fist, hitting Mikasa in the sternum. Vanessa kept coming, but Mikasa was ready. She blocked Vanessa's kicks and punches. She managed to land a punch to Vanessa's ribs and chest. Vanessa stumbled back, but dodged Mikasa's next couple punches. Vanessa kicked her away. She jabbed her foot against Mikasa's stomach, then her chest, then her face. Vanessa quickly spun over her shoulder, slapping her heel against Mikasa's face. Mikasa nearly fell back onto her rear. She took the moment to touch her cheek which was beginning to turn red. "Alright. Serious, then."

She attacked now. Throwing hard punches. Vanessa could only block them, unable to find an opening. Mikasa jabbed Vanessa's upper thigh, hitting where the main artery was, then punched her in the gut. Vanessa fell onto the ground, and rolled back onto all fours. As Mikasa approached, she raised her leg. Vanessa dodged the kick and got to her feet. She divert Mikasa's punch, and jabbed at her ribs. Mikasa withstood the pain and wrapped her arm around Vanessa's. She grabbed Vanessa's other arm and pulled her close. Mikasa slammed her forehead against Vanessa's. Before she could do again, Vanessa brought her knee up, pressing it against Mikasa's chest. Mikasa let go of Vanessa's arm and punched her square in the jaw. Vanessa fumbled to stay on her feet. Mikasa threw more punches which Vanessa dodged. However, Mikasa grabbed ahold of Vanessa's arm, and began punching her ribs repeatedly. Vanessa cried out then slipped free, slamming her knee into Mikasa's back. Mikasa moved with the momentum, turning over her shoulder and aiming her elbow. Vanessa grabbed Mikasa's arm and slammed her own elbow into Mikasa's stomach. "Ah!"

Mikasa paused, realizing she was breathing hard. Vanessa was as well. "Tired?"

Mikasa couldn't help but smirk. "Nope."

"Good." Vanessa stood up straight and got into a defensive stance. She raised her hand and beckoned Mikasa forward. Mikasa obliged. She ran and raised her knee, but Vanessa slapped it away. Vanessa dodged Mikasa's punches and threw her elbow back. However, Mikasa blocked the jab then slammed her fist onto the left side of Vanessa's face. The impact sent a flash of memories rushing through her head. Vanessa fell onto the ground. Images of the man in black playing over and over again. His smiling face as he hit her. Time seemed to slow down. She felt Mikasa slip her arms around her neck. She felt herself being pulled up as Mikasa held her in a choke-hold. Fear and adrenaline surged through her body. Vanessa reached back and grabbed Mikasa's hair. Mikasa yelped as Vanessa pulled and her grip loosened. Vanessa slipped free and turned, raising her fist. Suddenly, Christa stepped in between them. "Both of you stop it!"

Vanessa froze. She managed to stop her fist from colliding with Christa's face. Mikasa blinked in surprise. Vanessa wasn't glaring at her in fury, she was glaring in terror. The skin around her scar was turning red. Vanessa flicked her glare to Christa then began to calm down. She lowered her arm and looked away, the faint image of the man in black still burning. Christa placed her hand on Vanessa's shoulder, and Vanessa flinched. "Hey, it's okay. It's just me."

Mikasa watched them. She recognized the look in Vanessa's eyes. She knew what she was feeling, what she was re-experiencing. She knelt down in front of them. "Vanessa...I'm sorry."

"Wait...is that it?"

Vanessa and Mikasa both glanced over Christa. Everyone had gathered several meters away, watching. Conny threw his hands up in the air. "Dammit. I had my money on Vanessa!"

"Idiot!" Jean scolded. "You should've betted on Mikasa like I did."

More arguments broke out. Christa gave Mikasa and Vanessa an apologetic smile. "I couldn't stop them. They've been watching the whole time."

Vanessa growled and picked up the abandoned wooden knife off the ground. She threw it with no aim in mind, but it nailed Conny right in the face. "What're you all looking at?! Fuck all of you!"

Vanessa turned away from them, gritting her teeth in anger. Mikasa stared at the bruise starting to form on Vanessa's face. "For what it's worth...I'm glad you didn't hold back. Wouldn't have been any fun."

"Glad you enjoyed yourself," Vanessa grumbled. Christa breathed a sigh of relief over the peace that began to settle.

Mess Hall...

"Okay, okay. I get it." Ymir insisted. "Obviously that wouldn't work."

Vanessa listened halfheartedly to the conversation. Ymir was in deep discussion with Christa, theorizing evacuation scenarios while Sasha listened. But, Vanessa couldn't focus. Her mind kept going back to her fight with Mikasa. "...what do you think, Vanessa?"

"Huh?" Vanessa snapped her attention back to them. "Sorry. What do I think about what?"

"Christa's evacuation idea," Ymir said. "Some sort of immediate alert system to spread from the districts to the villages."

"Oh? How would that work?" she asked.

"Well," Christa began, "If we found a way to extend electrical systems across the land, I think it would be beneficial to-"

"Listen to you guys." Eren's voice ripped through the room. "Interior. Five years ago, this used to be part of it."

Jean turned from Marco to glare at his rival. "You got a point to make, friend? I'm right here!"

"Poor Jean, so misguided," Eren said, taking a sip of his drink. "And besides, I don't think your head'll fit in the Interior anyway."

Several people snickered, which burned Jean even more. "Very funny."

"Seems a little backwards to me. Fine-tuning your titan killing skills so the brass will station you somewhere you'll never see one." Vanessa blinked as realization hit her. Eren's words struck a cord in her. She thought about her fight with Mikasa again.

"You'd rather I was good at getting killed?" Jean argued. "Thank you, but I'll pass. Better to play the system than to get gnawed on."

"You son of a bitch!" Eren slammed his hands against the table as he got up.

Jean did the same. "Bring it on, you little bastard!"

Everyone watched as they confronted each other. Eren grabbed ahold of Jean's shirt, pulling him closer as he glared. Armin begged them to stop, but Mikasa got up. She grabbed Eren's hand, forcing him to let Jean go. Eren appeared to turn his anger to her, but subsided. Suddenly, Jean grabbed ahold of Eren's shirt. "You think you can judge me?!"

"Huh?!" Eren gasped. "You rip my shirt, you're dead!"

"I don't give a damn about your shirt! You piss me off!"

"What? Are you crazy?" Eren shouted back.

Jean continued to yell. Eren grabbed his wrist, and moved around Jean, kicking under his legs. Jean dropped to the ground like a sack of flour. Several people gasped in surprise. Vanessa narrowed her eyes, she recognized that move. She had seen Annie use it many times. Jean sat up, rubbing the back of his head. "Dammit! What the hell was that move?"

"Little something I picked up this afternoon while you were busy with your thumb up your ass," Eren said. "You honestly believe the Military Police are your ticket to the good life? You're not a soldier. You're a joke."

The room was dead silent as Jean glared up at Eren. Before either of them could do anything, the door opened and Sadies stepped inside. "Would someone care to explain the little ruckus I heard just now? I do hope everything's all right."

Eren and Jean quickly sat down, keeping quiet. Sadies took another step, glaring at everyone individually. Mikasa suddenly raised her hand. "Sasha passed some gas, Commandant!"

Reiner snorted his drink, spraying it all over Conny who yelped in surprise. He apologized and offered Conny a napkin while everyone else struggled to hold in their laughter. "Why am I not surprised?" Sadies frowned and headed for the door. "For the love of God, learn some self-control."

Later...

Vanessa stared up at the night sky. She could see the constellations clearly, and the stars glimmered. She loved nights like this. The cold air kissed her hot, bare skin, almost licking her sweat. Pleasure radiated throughout her body, but she couldn't relax. Her back and shoulders ached from the hard ground she laid on, the blanket doing nothing to soften it. Reiner's shoulder suddenly obstructed her view, moving in and out. She turned her head slightly away as she held onto him. She felt Reiner press his lips just below her ear, panting as he softly kissed. His hold on her hair tightened as his entire body jerked against her. Vanessa rubbed his bare back lovingly, her own climax long abandoned.

Reiner's chest pressed against hers with every breath. He gave her a soft kiss then pushed himself up on his elbows. "Did you...?"

Vanessa shook her head and sighed, disappointed. Reiner blinked in surprise. "Damn. I thought for sure the second time would do the trick. I don't think I have any energy for a third. I'm sorry."

He moved to lay down beside her. Vanessa wiped her hair off her face. "It's not your fault. I...I just have a lot on my mind."

"You wanna talk about it?" he asked. He reached out and grabbed her hand, entwining his fingers with hers.

"I was thinking about what Eren said earlier," she confessed.

Reiner turned to look at her. "You were thinking about Eren while we were having sex?"

Vanessa rolled her eyes, and groaned. She sat up and rubbed her eyes. Her head felt a little light. She hadn't been sleeping well, lately. "Are you still planning on joining the Military Police?"

Reiner inhaled and sat up. "Yeah, I am. You are, too...right?"

Vanessa thought over Mikasa's words. Reiner let go of her hand, and rubbed her back gently. "Are you worried about not making the cut? You're doing fine. You'll definitely make it. There's plenty of time to get your scores back up."

She closed her eyes. She had endured numerous conversations with him over their future once graduation came. "Reiner, I can't."

"Can't what?"

"I can't join the Military Police."

Reiner froze. "What? What're you talking about? This was our whole plan."

She slumped her shoulders. "I know. But, I can't do it. I'm joining the Scouts."

"What? I don't understand. Vanessa, you said you wanted to join the Military Police. You've been saying it for the past couple years." His voice was growing louder. "Now, all of a sudden, you change your mind?"

Vanessa bit her lip. She turned to face him, and held his hands. "You're right. I did say I wanted to join the MPs...but I said that because it's what you wanted. And, I've been so internally conflicted that I've been holding myself back to stay out of the top ten. To give myself an excuse...like a coward."

Reiner frowned as he searched her eyes, studying her expression. "Are you...breaking up with me?"

"No! No, no," she insisted. Vanessa scooted closer. "I'm just being honest. You deserve that. Reiner, I love you. I don't want to lie to you about this anymore."

"How are we supposed to be together if I'm in the MPs and you're with the Scouts, huh?" he asked, slipping his hands free. "What's wrong with you? You're not suicidal."

"That's not what this is. I-"

Reiner grabbed her face and pulled her close. He rubbed his thumbs gently against her cheeks. "You need to be honest with yourself. Why are you really holding back?"

"I just told you," she said. She grabbed his wrists, but didn't try to pull him off. "I was trying to make you ha-"

"Bullshit!" He shook her suddenly. It was a quick, hard shake. "You're scared, aren't you? You're scared of what we have. And instead of facing that uncertain future, you decide to impulsively join the Scouts? Don't be a coward, Vanessa. And stop holding back. There's still time for you to make the top ten. You love me, right?"

"Yes," she whispered.

"Then stay with me," he begged.

Vanessa furred her brows. She had seem him like this before. Most of the time he was caring and supportive, but sometimes, a different side of him would show. Now, he looked desperate and fearful. Like, if she said the wrong thing, it would change everything. "You're right. I shouldn't hold back."

She pushed him away and crawled over to where her clothes were. Reiner watched her in disbelief. "What're you doing?"

Vanessa quickly threw on her camisole and grabbed her shirt. Reiner reached over and grabbed her arm, but she yanked herself free. "Vanessa. Hey, talk to me."

"And say what, Reiner? I'm trying to be honest with you about what I really want," she stressed. "Do you have any idea how long I've been keeping that to myself? And you have the nerve to accuse me of being scared of our future? What about you? What is this between us?"

"You know what this is," he said, returning to his seriousness. "You know how I feel about you."

She leaned forward. "Then why are we keeping it a secret?"

"You know why!" He paused to calm himself. "You said you were fine with it."

In her fury, she threw her sock at him. "Of course I'm not! I'm not some dewy-eyed, lovesick girl, Reiner. I don't want other people in my business either, but sneaking around like we're forbidden to be together? What kind of relationship is that?"

"I don't know. You tell me," he threw her sock back. "We've been sneaking up here for three years and I feel like I hardly know you. Every time I ask something personal, you bite my head off."

"That's not fair," she warned. "I told you it's-"

"-complicated. Yeah, I know," he huffed. He turned his glare to the trees. "Fine. You're right. I'm being selfish. I want you to join the Military Police."

He crawled over to her, and held her hand. "Stay with me, please. You're right. This isn't a healthy relationship. So, let's make it better. We won't have to hide anymore. I promise. So stay."

Vanessa felt her throat go dry. She was full of anger and sadness, and she knew he was being sincere. Vanessa took a long, shaky breath. "Reiner...I can't."

Three weeks later...

"Do you have heart?"

The Cadets saluted. "Sir!"

The Commander of the Cadet Corps stood on the platform before the two-hundred and eighteen graduates. "As of this moment, you have three options open to you. The Garrison Regiment whose job is to reinforce the walls. The Scout Regiment who rides out into Titan country to take back what was once ours. And the MP Regiment, maintaining law and order under orders from His Royal Majesty. Those cadets eligible for the MP have already been named."

Vanessa stood in line with the top ten at the front of the graduates. She wasn't entirely sure she was going to make it, but she did. She stood right in-between Annie and Eren. "The rest of you take a good look!" The Commander demanded. "These are the top of your class!"

After the ceremony, the cadets were gathered in the great hall to celebrate. They were provided a feast and plenty of good ale. Vanessa leaned against a pillar as Ymir tried to convince Christa to chug her ale. Conny and Sasha were behind her, cheering. Vanessa laughed as Christa insisted she could chug without vomiting. "I'm serious!" she said. "I totally can!"

"And on that note," Vanessa interjected, "I need more ale."

"Oh, can you fill up me up, too?" Ymir held out her mug. "I'd really appreciate it, sweetie."

Vanessa reluctantly took Ymir's mug. "Whatever. Don't kidnap Christa while I'm gone."

"No promises!" Ymir said while Christa blushed.

Vanessa moved through the crowd over to the barrels. Thomas was kind enough to turn the tap so that she could fill up the mugs. She thanked him and turned to walk back. She skidded to a stop, almost running into Bertholdt. "Oops. My bad."

"No, it's okay," he said.

Vanessa gave him a halfhearted smile and moved to walk around him. As she did, he gently touched her shoulder. "Wait. Do you have a second?"

"Uh, yeah, a second. This is Ymir's drink." She held up the mug in her left hand.

Bertholdt gestured for her to follow him off to the side, away from the others. "Look, I'm sorry to ask this, but...what's going on between you and Reiner?"

Vanessa's polite smile faltered. She swallowed back her rising anger. "What do you mean? Nothing's going on. Why are you even asking?"

"He's been kinda messed up lately," he admitted, almost whispering. "What happened?"

Vanessa frowned as her confusion grew. Bertholdt never got into people's business. He always kept to himself. "I'm...I'm super confused as to what you're doing. Why aren't you talking to Reiner about this? Why is it any of your business?"

"Reiner and I grew up together. We're like...like brothers," he explained. "I've never seen him like this. What did you do to him?"

Vanessa widened her eyes in surprise. "What did I do? Bertholdt, you..." Vanessa took a deep breath. "I don't want to talk about this. We're supposed to be celebrating. What the-hey!"

He took the mugs from her and set them down on the table beside them. "Vanessa, listen. You need to tell me everything. How long were you together? Was it his idea? Yours?"

"Bertholdt, stop-"

"Did you get tired of him or something?" He continued. "Everyone knows you like to sneak off at night. Off military property. I'm not judging you. Just tell me what happened with-"

She slapped him. Not hard. But enough to surprise him. Bertholdt blinked and touched his cheek. He wasn't sure what surprised him more: the fact that she had slapped him or that she had managed to reach his face. He was sixteen inches taller than her. "Shut up," she warned. "I don't know why you care so much about my relationship with Reiner, and I don't want to know. If you're so interested, go ask him. He's the one who ended it. Leave me the hell alone."

"Vanessa, I-"

She held up her hand and he flinched. "Say one more word and I bitchslap you again, Bertholdt."

Bertholdt closed his mouth. Vanessa grabbed the mugs and grumbled under her breath as she pushed past him. "...asshole."

Garrison Stables, the next day...

Vanessa broke apart the bundle of hay in her hand and pushed it into the feeding bucket. The horse gladly ate it up. She moved on to the next stall. Christa was filling the water buckets. She kept glancing over at Vanessa, watching her work. She also noticed Vanessa's eyes were a little swollen. Her curiosity began to grow. "So...you wanna talk?"

Vanessa sighed. "Not really."

Christa furred her brows. She filled another bucket as she thought. "Reiner, huh? That's a...interesting choice."

Vanessa paused and turned to frown at Christa. "'Interesting choice'? What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

Christa shrugged as carried the water bucket to the stall for the horse. "Well, Reiner just seems...you know."

"No, I don't," Vanessa said dauntingly. "Please, enlighten me."

Christa hesitated, trying to find her words. "Please don't hit me, but...Reiner never seemed interested in girls."

"What in the world gave you that impression?"

Christa pressed her lips together and filled another bucket. Vanessa rolled her eyes and tapped her fingers on the stall door, intriguing the horse. "Did you know I wanted to be singer when I was a kid? Like my mom."

Christa turned off the water and glanced at Vanessa over her shoulder. "Your mom was a singer?"

"Yeah. A really good one. I wanted to be just like her." Vanessa scratched the corner of her eyebrow. "But that dream died pretty much when Wall Maria fell and I was taken my the MPs."

"Understandable," Christa said softly.

Vanessa gazed out the stable windows. "I decided when I enlisted that I would join the Scouts. Call it suicidal, if you want, but Eren has a point. As he always says, we're at the mercy of titans, and we need to fight back. If it weren't for them, I would still have my home. My mother, too."

"Joining the Scouts became your new dream...?"

Vanessa nodded. "And I almost let Reiner kill that dream."

Christa blinked and leaned back against the wall. "What do you mean?"

"He tried so hard for three years to convince me to join the Military Police. It was always his goal, I guess." She shrugged indifferently. "Things between us started out as just typical teenage attraction. But as more time went on...I fell in love with him. Like an idiot."

"You shouldn't blame yourself. You two were together for awhile, right?" Christa asked and Vanessa nodded in response. "I'm sure he wanted you to chose the Regiment that would keep you alive. He must love you, too."

"That's the thing." Vanessa finally turned to look at Christa. "I don't know that he ever really loved me. Or at least as much as I loved him. When I stood my ground and insisted on joining the Scouts, do you know what he did? He dumped me. Broke it off like he was tired of me. He-He always asked me if I loved him. He never actually said the words."

Christa's eyes filled with sympathy. "Vanessa-"

"Never in my life have I felt so stupid than in that moment when he walked away from me." Vanessa swallowed, trying to keep her voice from cracking. "It's my fault. I let those I love take advantage of me. Use me and manipulate me. I always become desperate and stupid to hold onto their affection."

A single tear began to roll down her cheek. Christa rushed forward and wrapped her arms around Vanessa. "I would never do that! I wouldn't use you or manipulate you. Fuck Reiner. You're strong, Vanessa. Don't let the bastards grind you down."

Vanessa laughed and managed to blink away the tears. "Thanks, Christa."

"No!" Christa stepped back, still holding onto Vanessa's arms. "You and I are family. I know it in my bones. You should know my real name. It's-"

The sound of bells ringing caught their attention. Both girls rushed out of the stables. Garrison soldiers were running around in a frenzy. An officer walked by. "Cadets! Gather in the courtyard for your orders!"

"What's going on, sir?" Vanessa asked.

"The outer gate," the officer said with dread on his face, "has been breached."

End of Chapter 5