Chapter 52

Scarlett sent Wade ahead with the bags and walked through the cedars to Tara. She felt sullen and tired. She wanted to lay her burdens on someone else's shoulders. But this time she knew she couldn't. She wondered at how elated she had been just a week ago. She was feeling adventurous and optimistic. Things were finally going her way when this happened. A dull pain weighed her heart. She stared at her home from afar.

How clever she had thought of herself when she conjured up the image of her own Mother as the Virgin Mary. She had imagined so many beautiful pictures in her head and childishly nurtured the notion that she was some delicate creature on the inside who could think beautiful things when all the time.. Suddenly Scarlett saw herself as a little girl with a muddied frock, cheeks red from running and a bleeding bruise on her knee and unable to attract her Mother's affection despite her charm and spontanity and feeling terribly anxious that she had such shameful feelings. The image shot up such strong emotion in her that she wept. How tenderly her own delusions had covered up the truth. But now, she could finally understand that it was a child's truth. So, the tears stopped quickly. Now as she stood looking at the newly planted cotton field, she saw herself in a similar position. She had exhausted herself and now, something new must grow.

She walked up to the house and climbed up the porch stairs. Suellen greeted her at the door and they sat together in the little parlor, drinking coffee and talking about the things that Scarlett saw at General Beauregard's rally.

At the end of the conversation, Suellen rose up and fetched some papers and showed them to Scarlett. "Now, Scarlett, don't get mad. I know these are basic calculations but I gone wrong somewhere and it isn't tallying properly. Could you please.."

Scarlett gazed at the sheet and replied quietly,"Its all right, Sue.. You were right to this part here and then you've muddled up the rest by leaving out these numbers! Here, I'll show you-"

"How nice of you to do all this for me-" remarked Suellen happily.

Scarlett finished the tally and while handing back the papers she asked ,"Sue, what do you think of Mother?"

Suellen, who was still skimming through Scarlett's writing, distractedly replied, "Mother? I pray for her soul often-"

"I was asking about what you thought of her as a person-"

Here Suellen paused and thought a moment. "I'd like to think of Mother as someone who worked hard and managed everyrhing. And after her, you are the next best hardworking O Hara this family's got!"

"But don't you wish Mother had been more affectionate? Dont you think that might have made you feel less anxious about.. about.."

Scarlett struggled to explain for she could not understand her own feelings. "Well, how about getting along with your friends? You were always anxious weren't you?!"

Suellen shrugged. "I dont see what Mother could have done about that-"

"But dont you see, if Mother had been more adventurous, we might been different?"

"How?" asked Suellen, dumbly.

"I dont know!" cried Scarlett, annoyed. "Don't you feel irritated when you have to..to..talk about yourself with others? Goodness knows.. Its always hard with people judging and complaining and gossiping-"

Suellen looked maddeningly vague again. Suddenly she brightened up and said "I think I know what you mean, Scarlett. You mean that when ,for example, Hetty Tarleton doesnt share anything about her fiance, I must respond by not telling my own secrets!"

"No!" cried Scarlett, losing her temper. "God's nightgown! I thought you would have more sense than this, Suellen! Here I am trying to have a decent conversation with you and you sound so stupid!"

"Well,this is what comes of asking you to help me with arithmetic. You think you know everything,Scarlett!"

Suellen stormed off and Will who had come in and witnessed the last part of their talk, smiled and said "You are wasting your time with her,Scarlett..she has no idea about the thing you said just now-"

"Then what was she so anxious about? She was always so worried that she couldn't meet her old friends again!"

"Oh..that's just to look at the latest fashions, eat dainties and sew patterns. Suellen only goes for that sort of thing. She gets anxious enough when she doesn't get enough of that alone!"