Chapter 4: A Mysterious Hero Dominates this One-Sided Tournament!
Part 1
When Iris wasn't watching over my training or going over countermeasures with me, we were enjoying the sort of everyday decadence she was not privy to as a sheltered Princess.
We snuck her junk food to eat, as well as those cheap paperback fantasy novels about heroes and adventurers that she enjoyed, but was forbidden by her instructors to read, thinking that anything outside of serious literature would pollute the young princess's mind.
As a result, Iris eased up around not only me, but the rest of the party, switching over to a looser style of speech.
Though, she still called me 'onni-sama'.
The other girls got along with her, too. Darkness had known her since she was a kid, as the Dustiness family had close ties with the Belzergs, so that was a given, but Aqua and Megumin, specifically Megumin, developed a surprising bond with Iris.
Megumin mentioned that she had a little sister. Maybe she was unexpectedly good with kids?
In fact, I no longer had a monopoly on Iris's time and attention. As the week went on, Iris began spending more time with the girls.
They grow up so quickly.
As for me, while I was never the type to focus on one thing, due to Iris's strict supervision, I found myself developing some discipline during the course of the week.
Outside of the mandatory training Iris ran me through, I took the initiative in formulating tactics and contingencies when I would normally be taking naps. I read books about war stratagems and historical accounts of ancient battles by my bedside, often dozing off as I was in the middle of reading.
The inverse occurred with the two of us. While Iris learned to loosen up, I learned to get my act together.
"Your degeneracy levels have seemingly diminished, Kazuma."
Megumin made this unnecessary comment about my improved conduct.
I was in the King's study, reading about a civil war with the Belzergs and another noble family that attempted to usurp the latter's rule, long ago, a clan largely forgotten by contemporary history, the Lightsworth.
"You're now at a level where I'd consider you 'human'. Before, you functioned like some kind of empty shell of a body who existed merely to partake in temporal pleasures. But now it seems like you have some purpose in life."
Her insults had a special kind of impact I couldn't exactly define.
She continued to say,
"Well, it's good to see you so productive, but instead of spending the whole day under a kotatsu, now you spend most of your time in the study. It's always the extreme with you, isn't it?"
In the rare times I wasn't bombarded with the usual distractions NEETs tend to succumb to, my disposition was such that I could spend an inordinate amount of time focused on productive activities, but this was rarely the case.
"If you came here just to mock me, you've accomplished your purpose. Kindly buzz off, please."
I dismissed my verbal aggressor as I resumed at the point where my reading was interrupted.
"...Sorry. I didn't come here just to pick a fight with you. Actually, I…"
There was a knock on the door.
"Onni-sama, can I come in?"
As I was about to reply…
"I'm sorry, Iris, but your onii-sama and nee-chan are discussing adult matters right now, OK? And please don't make me explain what that may entail. It'll be embarrassing for all of us involved. Maybe when you're a bit older nee-chan will teach you a couple of things, OK?"
Again, this fearless girl was talking down to someone of a vastly higher station than her.
"...But Megumin-san isn't all that much older than me."
Megumin's knees buckled. A critical hit.
"...Well, if onii-sama is busy then I will come back later."
Iris's footsteps were heavier than usual, making the usually stable wooden flooring creak.
Really, I can assure you, these two have gotten closer.
When Megumin turned to me, she saw my contended face.
"What are you grinning about?"
"Oh, nothing. I'm just happy that my popular period has finally arrived."
"Uwa. So you're the delusional type, huh?"
I didn't want to hear that accusation from her.
"So, really, what did you come here for?"
Not wanting to be derailed again, I urged Megumin to state her business.
"I was just thinking about what we'd do after this stupid tournament is over. And, knowing you, I figured that it'd be prudent to finalize a plan now, as you'd likely procrastinate and spend your time idling about here in the castle, otherwise."
Now, why would she think that?
"It seems like you already made plans," I said.
"Yes, as a matter of fact, I did. I'd like for us to travel to my hometown, the village of the Crimson Demons."
Although I was always up for a trip to new places, just like anyone, my recent run in with the Alcarentia lunatics made me hesitant to agree right away.
"...Would you say that you're 'average' for a Crimson Demon? Like, does everyone in your clan behave like you?"
I couldn't find a gentler approach, so I attempted to ask her straight out.
"There's no need for your indirect line of questioning. You're implying that I'm somehow strange, right? Well, don't worry. During my schooling days, I was somewhat of an outcast, though not to the extent of that Yunyun. But let it be known that my ostracization was by choice and not by…"
I tuned out the rest.
So if Megumin was the exception and not the mean, then I didn't see any problems with this trip.
But…
"OK. I guess we can go. But don't get too excited. If I see anything wrong with the place, I'm leaving immediately, with or without you."
"Your apprehension towards my hometown is really quite rude, but I'm glad that we resolved this matter quickly. I guess I'll have to leave you alone now?"
She said that as if it was a question.
"Yeah, you can go."
"...OK."
When she left to close the door, I heard her say, "Oh, what are you doing here, Darkness?"
"...I have business to discuss with him."
Darkness was still putting on a tsundere act.
She hadn't forgiven me for my week long abduction of Iris.
Outside, she and Megumin exchanged goodnights, then she entered the room and softly closed the door behind her. She was wearing her night gown, which was skimpy and unusually seductive.
After all, despite being a responsible noble, she was still the lewdest girl I've encountered thus far.
"Kazuma."
She said, derisively.
"Hi. It's been awhile since we talked. What can I do for you?"
I decided to take the gentle approach.
In response, she wordlessly produced a strap of leather she had been hiding behind her back.
"Please punish me, master."
"I refuse."
Faced with this incredible request, I immediately deployed a refusal.
Even though she had regarded me with such animosity just seconds previous, she had the nerve to say such outrageous things. How shameless!
"Please, Kazuma! I've been so stressed out lately and I need an outlet! And, as a result of your week long disappearance act with the princess, you're the primary source for why I'm cascaded with heaps of bureaucratic burden; the onus to restore my depleted morale falls solely on you!"
Having expressed her grievances, she placed the leather piece on my lap.
"My willingness is not the problem. Since a girl went so far as to night raid me while appealing to my latent masculine desires for dominance, I have no reason to refuse. However, I am also a man learned in the workings of cliche. If I was to yield to your whims, the inevitable outcome would be for someone, likely another potential romantic lead, to inadvertently encounter me and you appearing to be engaged in a suspicious activity..."
If such cliche encounters could be avoided, let us do so with much diligence.
"No, I promise that no one will find out. Please! You can just whip my wrists a little, or even just my fingertips. Come on, just the tip, we'll only use the tip!"
I had told Iris that Darkness was in charge of the erotic scenes, but it was mostly said in jest.
But this Depraved-tina was going all out to claim the full position.
"...Fine. But I will dictate the conditions for your 'punishment'."
"Yes! This dog will do whatever you command, master! Do you want me to start off with licking your shoes?"
Whatever should I do with this tainted girl?
Part 2
"Ahn! Ahhnnn! It's...piercing through me!"
We were in the training grounds, which was dark and unoccupied, and twenty or so feet away from me was a tied up Darkness.
There was a single Manatite powered lamp on, and near the bleachers of the grounds were a row of metallic containers some of the castle staff had moved there this morning.
"Don't stay in that one spot. I need you to move around, or I won't improve at all."
Iris's concern motivated me to put more effort into my combat training.
And so I snuck into the training grounds to train my Snipe skill on the more than willing human target, Darkness.
"I wasn't hoping for this sort of play, but it sort of feels like I'm being executed, tied up like this, and shot down like a worthless criminal by a row of archers…"
If her character continued to devolve in this manner, a future involving a medieval firing squad could indeed prove likely for Darkness.
I tried to break through Darkness's natural fortifications, but she proved too resilient for my arrows.
For my next experiment, I attempted to slice her with my partner with the weird name.
"Tee-hee! That tickles!"
The blade deflected off her armor.
"Create Water, Shocking Grasp."
"Stop that. It feels all tingly."
"Tinder, Wind Breath."
"Ooh! You're like a fire-breathing dragon! Still doesn't hurt, though."
Magic didn't work. Arrows and swords couldn't even penetrate her armor.
Prince Jatis wouldn't have as high of a defense stat as Darkness, but my potential magical and physical damage output were, nonetheless, inadequate in penetrating the defences of a high-levelled front line warrior.
Using Steal to extract the Prince's armor, as I had done with the Devil King, could have been a viable strategy, but Prince Jatis would likely be prepared for such a tactic.
After all, this time, with my name and even my method of fighting fairly known throughout the land, I didn't possess the element of surprise, which had always been my most prominent tactical advantage.
I felt a sense of futility.
"I don't think I can win against Prince Jatis," I said.
"Oh. You...You actually believed that you stood a chance? You're more optimistic that I pegged you for, Kazuma."
Her 'M' side took a step back for a moment to make wake for her 'S' side.
She continued.
"Anyway, it's not imperative that you win this tournament, to tell you the truth. Do you really believe that King Joethanael would allow a scandal so disgraceful like his son, the prince, marrying his daughter, the princess? He'll be discreet about it, but I'm certain that, even as we speak, there are several machinations in the background being...uh, machinated, to prevent such a scenario from happening."
A firm believer in the societal system like Darkness presented me with an all too realistic conspiracy of intra-political subterfuge.
"Well, whatever, I'm tired now. Let's go back."
I hydrated myself with a water bottle I purchased from a high class goods store. In this fantasy world, water bottles were a luxurious commodity. The material was made from a plastic like substance extracted from the Puri-Puri, which was a tubular shaped tree native to a foreign, tropical island-country.
"Yeah, we should go back. It wouldn't be too good if anyone saw me in this condition," Darkness said.
Tied up, skimpy nightwear transparent from sweat, hair let loose and sticking to her skin.
Also, at some point, I began to get sweaty as well and abandoned the thick tunic I had been wearing, leaving me topless.
And of course…
"Who's there! No one is supposed to be in the training grounds at this hour! Identify yourselves!"
...something like this had to happen.
Darkness was about to speak but I covered her mouth with a hand, and I used Lurk to temporarily conceal our presence.
"Don't make any unnecessary noise. It will be bad for the both of us if they catch us. For now, let's find somewhere to hide."
She nodded her approval.
I looked around for a place to hide.
My gaze landed on the row of metallic containers. One of them was open and I could see that it was vacant, and the dimensions could just accommodate our respective heights and combined width.
Leading Darkness, we hid inside this empty container.
At the time, this seemed like a good idea.
...
Outside there was the sound of hoofbeats.
There was a bump on the road and our container was propelled upwards.
"You're usually so reliable and quick-witted. What happened tonight?"
"...I'm very sorry."
Inside this cramped container, we were being dragged along by a horse carriage with the other containers, being transferred to who knows where.
Once the guards left, before Darkness and I could follow suit, some people from a delivery service came and loaded the containers to a horse cart.
How was I supposed to know that our impromptu hiding places had places to be, so to speak.
Darkness and I were in the same condition as when we had been transferred, and she was still tied up in the bondage-like knot she begged me to tie her in earlier. And now our sweaty bodies were practically meshing together and our hot breaths would mix into a sultry heat cloud...
This situation was too erotic!
If we weren't heading to our respective dooms, I'd be thanking the goddess of fortune, Eris-sama, for her divine providence.
"Kazuma, for awhile now, I've felt something hard pressing against my thigh. I realize that this situation is difficult...and that there are certain features of your male anatomy that is impossible to regulate, but…"
"No madam. You must be mistaken. This protruding item here is merely my sword…"
"It doesn't matter if you use a euphemism. Call it your 'pee-pee' or 'willy' or 'sword' or whatever, just please try to shift it away from me."
She then proceeded to widen her thighs.
"Here, please insert your 'sword' between this open space..."
"Y-You really are the one in charge of erotic-scenes! Putting my 'sword' between your thighs is even more provocative than the current placement! And I'm telling the truth, this really is my sword, the one with the weird name of 'Chunchunmaru'. Furthermore, if we were to continue with Megumin's bizarre sense of terminology, this sharp and hard thing here isn't my 'Excalibur'."
Even in the dark, I could see the fierce glow of her blushing cheeks.
"O-Ok, thanks for clarifying that, I guess."
"N-No, I shouldn't have raised my voice there."
In this awkward situation, one couldn't help but act overly polite.
From outside, we finally heard voices. This moving operation was executed with quiet professionalism and there was no idle chatter exchanged during the loading or transfer.
Well, hurray for working-class competency, but these sticks-in-the-muds weren't doing me any favors!
"We're here boss. Pull the horses over."
"OK. Good. Make sure to chain up the containers. We don't want thieves getting their hands on these statues when we leave them here."
"Got it."
The ride didn't even take ten minutes, which means we were still in the capital.
"Oi, Darkness! We need to run now! They are going to chain up our container if we don't...hm? I feel something damp on my leg?"
Come to think of it, Darkness's body had been tensing and convulsing recently.
"I'm sorry. I meant to tell you earlier. I felt confident in my ability to hold it in, but I suddenly got nervous and a little bit escaped..."
As we wasted valuable time on this subject, we heard the sound of a chain being wrapped around the container.
"They're all chained up, boss."
"Whoa, that was fast. You keep this up and maybe I'll be the one calling you 'boss'..."
"T-That means a lot to me, boss!"
We were so screwed.
"Kazuma, I let a bit out, but I still need to go really badly. Please find a clever solution like you always do in crucial situations."
Yes, I often displayed the ability to think outside of the box.
But we were literally in a box. A metal one. With chains tied around it.
I took out the water bottle I had unconsciously brought along as we retreated from the guards.
"Please go ahead and use this bottle."
"I refuse."
Her standards were too high. And now that I think about it, during our first night in the mansion, Megumin refused to 'relieve herself' in a wine bottle, as well. Even though, back in Japan, during important guild raids, I'd often use a bottle during toilet-based emergencies...
Nonetheless, during the long stretch of time we spent in that box, Darkness held it in.
It didn't feel like a long time, due to the tension, but somehow, the hours passed by with unperceived rapidity, and morning arrived.
We heard noises outside, a lot of noise.
"Oi, what's going on, Darkness? Is there some kind of big event today?"
The Darkness who had been praying to Eris-sama this entire time, stopped to answer me.
"Now that you mention it...today is the…"
She had the look of pained realization on her face.
"Those movers earlier mentioned 'statues', didn't they?"
"Oi, Darkness? Darkness?!"
We then heard a singular voice amongst the crowd outside.
"Thank you all for appearing this early in the morning! As you all know, today is the day we unveil the statues of our heroes, Kazuma-sama and his party! We will place the statues right here, at the center of the city, to rightfully honor our heroes. Now, without further ado, we will open the containers!"
One by one, we heard chains fall down.
"And here are our four heroes, immortalized in stone! Eh? There seems to be some extra boxes here, how peculiar...well, we'll open them anyway!"
What happened to my supposedly high luck stat?
Darkness was in tears now. She was going absolutely hysterical.
"Darkness, come on...don't cry, let's face this with some dignity…"
"But Kazuma, you're crying too…"
Indeed, I was.
Oh, goddesses in heaven! How could such a cruel thing happen to me?!
Eris-sama...!
I'd even resort to this…
Aqua-sama, please help me!
Those were my thoughts as the chains came undone.
"Kazuma...I can't hold it in..."
At this point, all my desperation and fears and all mortal restrictions had dissipated.
I had reached a kind of nirvana where material concerns held no meaning.
I gave Darkness a serene smile.
"It's fine. You've done very well enduring it so far. By the way, I left my actual sword back in the training grounds. This hard, twitching thing here is indeed my 'Excalibur'. Please forgive me."
Darkness returned my serene smile with one of her own. She had reached this nirvana as well.
"I see. So that's why you didn't even attempt to cut down the ropes. It's OK, I forgive you. But, you should see the doctor. I don't think your 'Excalibur' is supposed to be like that for more than four hours."
"Duly noted, my friend, duly noted."
And then, as the chains were released, Darkness released herself as well.
Part 3
We were in the conference room again.
With me was Darkness, the King, and Iris.
"...For the sake of preventing the incitement of a riot, I can't allow you to participate in this tournament. Forgive me."
The King said this while avoiding my eyes.
"...Yes, sir."
The public backlash was astounding.
Darkness and I had been receiving multiple death threats since that incident.
Not like I could blame anyone. Many children woke up early in the morning to gaze at the statuettes of their heroes.
Only to see those heroes ostensibly engaging in some incredibly kinky play.
And then there was the 'waterworks'.
"That said, we can't just cancel the tournament. The rules state that Iris can find a champion to fight in her stead, but...the only one I can possibly see defeating my...son…" He used that word like it was a curse. "...Jatis, is Satou Kazuma. I don't think that even Mitsurugi Kyouya, the famous cursed blade user, could stand a chance."
Poor Mitsurugi. He was already being used as the scale to measure the power-level difference of a new rival.
"I'm sorry, Iris," Darkness said. "Because of me, you…"
"No. It's OK. I've been relying too much on onni-sama, anyways. It's not fair to ask him to win my battles for me. Now that I think about it, asking him to fight that peerless Jatis nii-sama is equally absurd..."
So even my faithful little sister had her doubts about this whole thing.
What was that week of arduous training for, then?
The studying, the self-betterment...
All that character development had been for naught.
How disappointing! What a letdown!
I feel like complaining to someone!
"Well, I'm sure you have a lot to discuss. I will be going now."
This whole time, the King hadn't made direct eye-contact with me or Darkness.
As the King left, Iris made to leave as well.
But before she did, she said,
"Ahem. I also have matters to...take care of. Um...this might be a bit impudent of me to say, but please try not to use the conference room for anything naughty…"
Darkness and I didn't even attempt to respond.
When Iris left, Darkness said,
"That was great. So exhilarating. I've never felt so good in my life. The extended torture of having to hold it in, having to be in close proximity with an aroused man, what a treat. Can we please do that again? I'm sure we can find a metal box somewhere."
This girl just never gives up.
…
The day of the tournament.
The arena that usually functioned as a gladiatorial coliseum for deathrow bound inmates was renovated for the event.
Specifically, there was a massive cleaning effort directed in cleansing the dried blood from the walls and flooring.
The hidden death traps were dismantled.
The blood seeking hell hounds were caged.
The electrocuting barrier separating the audience bleachers from the grounds was deactivated.
King Joethaneal was a good King, but he sure had a thing for gladiatorial combat.
But I digress.
I didn't hear anything from Iris, but the deadline for tournament participants to sign up had already passed.
If she failed to recruit a representative, she might have to marry her perverted brother.
Which was so wrong.
I was very worried.
I was sure that the King had plans and all, but I couldn't help worrying.
Really, this dilemma wouldn't be so complicated if it wasn't for the warped disposition of that Prince Jatis.
Speaking of Prince Jatis…
"King Joethanael, please disown that pervert sis-con son of yours! I refuse to serve under a pervert like that! Will you really let Princess Iris marry that deviant?!"
"Down with Satou! Down with Dustiness!"
These chants were heard throughout the arena.
The public animosity was split between the exhibitionists, Darkness and I, and the lolicon, sis-con Prince Jatis.
Normally the peasants wouldn't be so direct in their criticizing of nobles and other figures of importance, but now the democratically minded King Joethanael had returned to the capital from his constant involvement in the front-lines as the army's strongest warrior and most brilliant strategist.
Which means, the country would no longer be in the hands of more tyrannical nobles, who had been delegated the capacity of wartime politicking.
With free speech returned to the common masses, the scandals that would have been swept under the societal blanket previously, were now exposed to collective scrutiny.
And thus…
"Down with the Prince! Down with Dustiness! Down with Satou!"
"Execute them!"
"Actually, the exhibitionist display of Lady Dustiness and Satou-sama was kinda hot…"
...The crowd was like this.
Naturally, I was disturbed by this development.
Darkness didn't seem to mind, though.
"Kazuma, Aqua and I will watch over there."
Megumin said this as we were ushered into the VIP seats of the arena.
Even, Megumin, who valued camaraderie the most out of all of us, wanted nothing to do with the public's vitriol.
"OK. Tell me if you need money for snacks, or anything."
I decided not to blame Megumin for wanting to extricate herself from a scandal she had no involvement in.
But then she said,
"Thank you for your kindness, but I don't think it'd be wise to have people see you transacting money with an underaged girl like me."
"..."
Had the public's perception of me already reached such an irrevocable state?
"If you're offering money, I will gladly take it."
Aqua quickly snatched the Eris I had been offering to Megumin.
I was ready to unleash the usual insults on Aqua, but I felt that I wasn't in any situation to criticize her.
After all, I had just been involved in something incredibly foolish, even more so than anything that idiot Aqua had ever done, or probably would ever do.
As Aqua and Megumin took their seats, I occupied myself with reading the issue of Adventurer's Weekly they were handing out at the entrance of the arena.
I skimmed through the text until I found something of interest.
A list of the tournament participants in order of adventurer ranking.
1. Satou Kazuma (Dropped-Out)
Offense: C+
Defense: C-
Magic Power: C+
Intangibles: A+
Total: B-
Notable Accomplishments: Defeated three Devil King generals, the mobile Destroyer, and the Devil King. Not considered as traditionally powerful, but wields an astounding variety of skills due to the unique features of the Adventurer class, and is indisputably the greatest strategist in this tournament.
Once considered the second coming of the original hero, the Great Hero Satou, and was easily the crowd favorite, Satou Kazuma-sama fell to disrepute once he got involved in a scandal with fellow party member and prominent noble, Dustiness Ford Lalatina (more about this juicy incident on page 35).
Satou Kazuma-sama has opted out of the tournament.
2.
Prince Jatis Herald Wind Belzerg
Offense: A
Defense: A
Magic Power: B
Intangibles: B
Total: B+
Notable Accomplishments: While his combat achievements are not as illustrious as Satou Kazuma-sama, which explains his number two ranking in this issue of Adventurer's Weekly, Prince Jatis has been fighting in the front lines from a young age, and has saved many of his fellow countrymen's lives through his bravery and heroics. However, similarly to Satou Kazuma-sama, Prince Jatis has recently been involved in a serious scandal.
In an interview, we asked Prince Jatis what his intentions were for participating in the tournament for his own sister's hand in marriage. He answered,
"I want to marry Iris-chan. I love little girls, and of course, I love little sisters. Wait, are you going to publish this?" (more about this juicy interview on Page 35).
Prince Jatis, ignoring common sense and the persistent advice of his personal circle, has not opted out of the tournament, even after receiving numerous death threats and a looming execution order from his own father, King Joethaneal. We expect that there will surely be a violent riot in the capital should Prince Jatis win the tournament.
3.
Sir Fredrick Erwing Nightingale
Offense: C
Defense: B-
Magic Power: D
Intangibles: B+
Total: C+
Notable Accomplishments: In his youth, Sir Fredrick fought in the front lines and had a reputation for his solid strategic mind and his mastery of traditional Belzergian sword and shield combat. After his retirement, Sir Nightingale has since been involved in an exclusive congregation of elderly nobles, Privileged Elders in a Distinguished Organization, otherwise known as P.E.D.O. It is unclear why Sir Fredrick joined this tournament, and he has declined our requests for an interview.
4.
'Alice'
Offense: A
Defense: C
Magic Power: A
Intangibles: ?
Total: B+
Notable Accomplishments: A mystery contender, we're not even sure if 'Alice' is her real name! In the evaluation, she scored astoundingly in offense and magic power, but we have yet to see her apply these assets in actual combat.
The lack of information we have on this 'Alice' character has lowered her down some in the rankings, but we expect that 'Alice' will be quite the offensive juggernaut in this tournament.
5.
Claire Eaglebaum
Offense: B-
Defense: C+
Magic Power: D
Intangibles: C+
Total: C
Notable Accomplishments: The heir of the Eaglebaum family, which equals the stature of the Dustiness family, Lady Eaglebaum is also the personal bodyguard and instructor of Princess Iris. While limited in opportunity by her duties to the royal family, Lady Eaglebaum is an occasional fighter in the frontlines.
As it is quite peculiar for Princess Iris's bodyguard to participate in this tournament, we asked Lady Eaglebaum for an interview, to which she formally declined. But she did have this to say:
"What, did you think I was going to slip up like that idiot Prince and spill everything? I'm not that loose-lipped! I've read Adventurer's Weekly before, so I know all about page 35, that's where you keep all the juicy gossip! You can't fool me you rotten journalists, you *ommitted*...now get out of my house before I *omitted*..." (Lady Eaglebaum: Loyal bodyguard, or Little Girl Lover? See Page 35 for the juicy gossip)
"..."
There were more participants listed, but I didn't feel like reading anymore.
I realize that I shouldn't be saying this about myself, but everyone involved in this tournament were massive perverts, one way or another.
Well, I didn't know anything about that 'Alice' character, but she/he/whatever was probably the most suspicious individual in this tournament!
Moreover, what was concerning was that comment about the city rioting if Prince Jatis won the tournament…
At least I had the good sense to call it quits! That perverted prince sure was resilient!
After having ran out of ways to distract myself, my attention was once again wrenched to the near riotous energy of the crowd.
"Lynch that Sadistic Satou!"
"Burn that Prince of Perverts in a stake!"
They had already come up with oddly fitting monikers.
But to think that I'd be consider the S in the S&M...
We were relatively safe in the VIP area, as there were layered barriers of Magic Repulsion and Protection from Arrows around us, but I wished they'd also made the booth soundproof.
The crowd's angry chanting was starting to intimidate me.
"The acoustics in this arena is amazing," Darkness said.
Of course she'd think that.
Although I wasn't exactly anxious for it to begin, from the entrance to the arena grounds, we saw King Joethaneal majestically walk in. Following a step behind was Iris, who was accompanied by Rain, and a green haired girl, equipped with a crossbow, who was probably Claire's replacement.
The King was equipped with his full armor, which lacked the usual pretensions of a noble's armaments, the jewelry and elegant inscriptions replaced with dents and old magic burns and severe looking lacerations.
They arrived at the center. Rain placed her hands over the King and chanted a spell.
Soon, the arena was filled with King Joethanael's voice.
"Ladies and Gentlemen. Thank you for coming…"
I was the type who always spaced out during the Principal's opening remarks, back in Japan, and I couldn't help but do the same here in this world.
Instead, I looked to the nobles who were seated with me in the VIP booth.
There was an odd air of obedience about them. Well, such behaviour was expected. With all of these scandals left and right, they probably didn't want to risk anything while out under the scrutiny of the public eye.
In fact, I just noticed this, but everyone in this booth, including Megumin and Aqua, had been avoiding Darkness and I. We had a whole row of chairs to ourselves. A particularly panicky female noble let out an "EEK! I'm sorry!" when I made eye-contact with her.
What was it, had a I contracted some sort of disease that one could contract through visual exchange?
And I wished that the freak beside me, the M to my supposed S, would stop panting and huffing already.
With the introductions out of the way, the King left and Iris wordlessly followed. Then another man strode confidently to the center of the grounds, dressed in a ridiculous get-up reminiscent of a circus stage master, a conflicting image in the wake of the King's stifling eminency. This guy was also wearing a familiar looking mask…
...Wait a minute!
"Greetings to all! To the irresponsibly decadent nobles who are now beginning to regret thy orgastic period of corruption and selfish gain in the absence of the king, to the middle-class stragglers dwindling about in a state of subtly torturous existential purgatory, and to the unhygienic street urchins who bribed the guards for entrance with busk money and is now licking up the popcorn crumbs thy consumerist pigs are carelessly dropping on the floor, welcome to this elaborately staged event meant to distract thy from the inevitable societal, economical, and cultural decay left by the ill-timed subjugation of the Devil King, whose lifetime of tyranny has ironically been supporting this country's wealth, raw material production, and political stability! I am, of course, thy master of ceremonies...Vanir!"
There was a sort of moody silence that enveloped the arena.
Vanir said, "Fufu. Yes, let all that stew for awhile and feed moi with thy collective negative emotions!"
I was thinking it was about time for this guy to show up.
I leaned over to Darkness. "Is that guy supposed to be here?"
Darkness didn't get a chance to answer before a legion of guards equipped with pikes charged in an organized, stampeding assault towards Vanir.
But Vanir easily dodged and weaved with creative and fluid dexterity through their linear, pierce attacks.
The crowd, thinking this display was part of the event, offered rambunctious cheers.
They had already broken out of their temporary depression.
"Thank you! Thank you! The fabulous clothes I am wearing have the enchanted property of 'evading a bunch of untalented scrubs'. As long as your opponents are a bunch of untalented scrubs, you will surely be able to evade them! These are on sale at Wiz's Magic Item store now!"
Did Wiz know about this?
Soon enough, the King went over to exchange some words with Vanir. I used my recently aquired Lip Reading skill to intrude into their conversation.
"...Right now, moi is certain that the boy with the weakest class has learned yet another worthless skill and is eavesdropping on our conversation, so we will have to pick this up later, your excellency."
The King glanced to my general direction.
Crap! I forgot about that Devil's near omniscience!
"...Fine. I heard that you are mostly harmless. But I will be keeping my eye on you…"
"Yes, moi liege! Anything for moi liege! This humble devil only wishes to promote the defective products of a certain well-endowed Lich."
"...I think I know who you're talking about. Well, whatever, just get on with it. And cut down on the theatrics, would you?"
"Thy will be done!"
"...I'm going to need some wine."
When the King left, Vanir looked to my direction to and gave the 'OK' sign.
He then 'spoke' to me, as in, I lip read what he was saying from the 1 km of distance between us.
"Moi has taken great pleasure in the meal of negative emotions thy has emitted during that 'incident'. By the way, hath thou enjoyed my performance as 'boss'?"
No, it couldn't be…
"OK. Good. Make sure to chain up the containers. We don't want thieves getting their hands on these statues when we leave them here."
Seriously?! One of the movers, that 'boss' character, was this devil the entire time?!
"Id~iot. As if moi would waste valuable time to be involved with thy life to such an extent! For the supposed hero, thy sure is gullible! Kekeke!"
This guy...!
Turning away from my direction, Vanir raised his arms wide.
"Now, without further ado...let the tournament begin!"
Part 5
"Runic Burst!"
Prince Jatis struck his swords to the ground and the runes etched onto his armor glowed blue and a burst of energy violently emanated from him.
His opponent was sent flying onto the arena walls, the impact creating spidered cracks. He slid to the ground, unconscious.
That could have been me.
"The lolicon, sis-con bastard takes this victory!"
Vanir announced, as he raised Prince Jatis's arm up in the air.
"Boooo~!"
"Get your hands away from Princess Iris!"
"Lock this predator up in jail!"
In this case, the public's hostility was very much warranted.
The very first match had set the tone for the entire tournament.
Prince Jatis sheathed his dual blades and returned to the participant waiting area. He didn't seem at all perturbed by the crowd's hostility. For some reason, he had the air of a martyr about him.
He really shouldn't be acting like the victim here.
"Well! Even if he is a sis-con pervert, Prince Jatis is indeed the favorite to win this tournament! Now, can somebody please collect that man's unconscious body over there…"
A recovery team carrying a stretcher transported the limp body from the grounds.
"Now, then, coming up next is a battle between Claire Eaglebaum, and the mysterious contender...Alice!"
Claire confidently strode to the center of the ring. She wore a white overcoat and buckled to her waist was her usual long sword. The audience greeted her entrance with some polite applause and cheers.
Less dramatically, 'Alice' emerged from an opposing entrance. Obscured under a tan colored hooded cloak, she was equipped with multiple weapons. A long sword, hanging from her left hip, a quiver of arrows and a shortbow by her right hip, and attached to an arm was a small leather shield buckle. From her gear, I couldn't quite ascertain which class she belonged to.
"Well, then, no hair-pulling, no biting, no scratching. Fight!"
After spouting blatantly sexist remarks, Vanir retreated from the clash.
And apparently, Alice decided to retreat, as well.
"...Huh? What are you doing? Get back here!"
Claire chased after Alice's sprinting cloaked figure.
But when it seemed as if Alice would continue retreating, she turned around, pulled out her short bow, and quickly let an arrow fly.
"Snipe!"
The arrow, while not as accurate as my Snipe, did its job in distracting the pursuing Claire.
"Argh!"
A cut emerged on Claire's right shoulder, where the arrow had glanced her.
Not giving her opponent a chance for reprieve, Alice closed in and extended a hand to Claire.
"Fog Cloud!"
A dirty, voluminous cloud suddenly manifested around Claire.
"W-What is this!"
First it was an Archer skill, then it was followed by an Intermediate-class Wizard spell.
"Kazuma, could this be someone with the useless Adventurer class?!"
Darkness said, becoming enthralled in the fight.
The nobles around me were similarly intrigued.
I looked through the magazine and checked 'Alice's' evaluation once more.
She scored an 'A' in both offense and magic power.
To think that someone with such elite natural abilities would willingly take up the weakest job.
"What an enigmatic fellow," I remarked.
"The king of enigmas just said something amazing," Darkness said.
When I returned my attention to the fight, Claire had emerged from the cloud with three arrows piercing her body. Without armor, the advantage of fighting with light encumbrance diminishes with limited mobility.
And without vision, mobility becomes a fool's gambit.
But it would just be as foolish to stay in one spot, even with impaired vision.
But Claire, with her combat experience limited to emergency front-line skirmishes and encyclopedic study, failed to understand this.
'Alice' casted Fog Cloud once more, and Claire stayed unmoving, taking her chances with countering a direct attack. But Alice had so far proven to be the opposite of a direct fighter.
"Wind Blade!"
'Alice' drew her sword, made consecutive slashes on the air, and from the invisible stroke work, crescents of condensed wind pressure was forged from the arena's still air.
They rapidly honed onto the fog and disappeared into it.
The Wind Blades displaced the fog and Claire was revealed lying sprawled on the ground, still conscious, but obviously unfit for battle.
"Victory goes to this suspicious little midget here!" Vanir announced.
'Alice' didn't revel in the audience's cheers. She went to Claire, exchanged some words with her, nobly shook hands with the loser, and watched as the medics carried Claire away on a stretcher.
"She's good. Fights exactly like you, but somehow, she's better?"
Darkness said this in a teasing manner.
I couldn't exactly refute. While I earned one Skill Point every time I levelled-up, most people earned double or even triple SP yields.
"Yeah. She was blasting out Intermediate-level spells like they were nothing."
"I meant that she actually has some grace in combat. She chivalrously shook hands with her opponent, while you would have disgraced them."
Again, I couldn't exactly refute her words.
After the exciting first match-ups followed a series of battles between non-combatants.
After all, this was a tournament to determine who would take the Princess's hand in marriage.
As such, the participants were mostly young nobles seeking to gain immediate and certain political power by marrying the Princess of Belzerg.
There was one noble, however, an older one, who proved to be quite the combatant.
"To think that we would witness Sir Nightingale in combat once more. While his intentions in participating eludes me, I appreciate the rare privilege we've been blessed with today."
"Yes, though I can't exactly imagine the reason for him joining this tournament, I find it inspiring that one of our country's most valorous and decorated warriors have retained his battle instincts even at such an old age."
Some nobles behind us were speaking sincerely about this Nightingale fellow.
I didn't sense even a hint of sarcasm in their voices.
Really, this Nightingale ojii-san was part of an organization called P.E.D.O.
The suspicious acronym could have been a mistake, possibly, but this something called the 'Privileged Elders in a Distinguished Organization' was already highly suspicious.
Nonetheless, this Nightingale fellow was, as reported, an experienced warrior. Even if he was up against a bunch of non-combatants, they were non-combatants in their physical primes. They were faster, stronger, and more athletic than the aged former warrior.
But still, he dealt with them handedly. Using a classic sword and shield style, as well as some deceptively lithe dodging and parrying work, this old man easily dispatched his opponents.
Even more impressive than the old man, though, was the mysterious 'Alice'.
Out of everyone in the tournament, she had the most varied and fluid fighting style, dispatching her opponents in multiple ways with skills ranging from archery, swordsmanship, magic, and she had even used some healing magic.
She was certainly the fan favorite, which wasn't really all too great of a feat, as every other fighter were either deplorable perverts, or had some kind of hidden agenda.
Well, for all we knew, this 'Alice' person could be some kind of sinister villain, though, by the honorable way she conducted herself in combat, that was quite the unreasonable presumption.
Part 6
Once the rest of the miscellaneous fodder were dealt with, it was finally time for the final four.
The matches were between Alice and Nightingale and Prince Jatis versus some young, noble swordsman who got lucky with his matchups thus far.
At the time of the intermission, Darkness said something worrying to me.
"Kazuma, I need to go to the bathroom."
I had an ominous feeling of Deja Vu.
"...Thank you for telling me. But our relationship is not so intimate that you need to relay such personal information."
"No, I'm telling you that I need to go, but I know that if I were to mix in with the crowd and queue up to the bathrooms, I would surely be enveloped in the middle of a riot."
She seemed to enjoy the prospect of being lynched by a mob, but she also knew the terrible ramifications of such a thing occurring.
"Fine. Let's talk to Aqua."
"Eh? How could Aqua help us with this predicament?"
Well, despite everything, Aqua was the goddess of water after all.
Water as in fluids.
At least, this was my desperate reasoning.
We approached Aqua who was munching on some roasted peanuts she, I was certain, had purchased with my money.
"Hey guys. Good tournament so far, huh? Would you care for a snack?"
She offered the peanuts to us.
Beside Aqua, once Megumin saw Darkness and I approaching, she frantically wiped the peanut crumbs from her face and clothes.
"Actually, Aqua-san, we have a bit of a situation here."
I drew closer to Aqua and whispered to her…
"Oh, I see. Well, you came to the right person. You see, I have the power to not only control and even manifest water, I can also evaporate it, so to speak."
I see! How convenient!
So that was how she cleans up spills so quickly, or how our laundry dries after having been left out in the sun for a mere ten minutes.
"What we need to do is have Darkness 'relieve' herself right here, and as long as I am maintaining some physical contact with her, I can dry up the 'fluids' even after she is 'releasing' them."
What a convenient power!
I was actually a bit impressed by Aqua, who uncharacteristically displayed some practical use, for once.
"N-No way! I can't do something that embarrassing!"
Darkness said, as she blushed and fidgeted with the hem of her skirt.
I said, "Oi. Remember our time in the metal box? Remember the water bottle? It wouldn't have been so bad if only you used the water bottle. Right now, Aqua is offering to be your water bottle. Are you saying that you'll refuse her?"
"That's right! I'll be your water bottle, whatever that means."
Aqua offered her hand to Darkness, who eventually accepted it.
"OK. But I'm only doing this because I trust you, Aqua."
Darkness smiled fondly at Aqua.
In this display of trust, even I couldn't help but be taken in by the intimate atmosphere. Megumin and I exchanged pleasant smiles.
It was good to have friends.
"Don't worry, Darkness, your trust is not unfounded! Even though this is the first time I'm doing this to a live human being, you may rest assured that I'm going to do my best!"
"Eh?"
Darkness visibly attempted to stop the release.
But the floodgates had already opened.
And it all poured out.
The release was so violent that I swear it made a 'woosh' sound.
Her dark stockings became even darker.
The clear fluid pooled around our feet.
It just wouldn't stop.
And so, for the second time that week, Darkness had relieved herself in public.
Our neighboring nobles were quick to notice.
"Eek! Dustiness-sama is at it again!"
"There's a lot! There's a lot dripping out! Why is there so much?!"
"...That's kinda hot."
I retract my previous statement.
Friendship is overrated.
…
Chapter 4 END
Next Chapter: A Startling Revelation for this Sis-con Prince!