Chapter 63

If Scarlett had imagined that her intimate tete-a-tete with Rhett would ever seem awkward or dull, she needn't have feared at all. For Rhett seemed determined to make the most of the trip. He wore his best clothes, shaved neatly and presented a clean appearance. He was in good humour most of the time as he walked with her on the promenade and smoked his cigars.

The only time she saw him returning a blank gaze was when she realized quite by accident that she was sitting in the same broken chair that she had sat in when they had travelled on their honeymoon in the ferry. This was a different ferry but somehow the chair was the same. She had nearly lost her balance and fallen the last time and she did the same again. This time she laughed and looked at Rhett. But he looked almost eerily blank.

Feeling nervous, Scarlett quickly stopped laughing. "You know, Rhett, I said I would tell you why I don't love Ashley anymore. But I can't get to that right away. I must tell you about myself first. I know you think you already know everything that is to know about me. And maybe you do know. But you can't know everything. Especially since..."

Rhett raised his brows.

Scarlett hesitated once again, fearing the plunge she was about to take into an emotional abyss. But she was between a rock and a hard place and the only way out was to drill right through. She sat down beside a sunlit deck table and set her parasol down. "Let me start with my own Mother, Rhett. I know I've told you before that she was in love with her cousin, Philippe Robillard who was the black sheep of the family and that her father refused to let her marry him. Well, when Philippe Robillard died, Mother followed Pa to Tara. You know this much. But I never told you what I thought about it. Well, let me tell you now. I never understood why Mother had become so hurt by this. You see, her family where only looking out for her own good. They weren't malicious. An yet she was so upset that she never invested in any other relation ever again-"

"She married your Pa-"

"Yes, she did. But Pa and Mother were as different as chalk and cheese. Mother worked all the time to manage the plantation and Pa went out riding into town, occasionally gambled and hollered around the farm- They never really improved on each other-" Scarlett bit her lip in thought and continued. "When I was small, I was mostly allowed to run around with boys my own age and with the black children in the fields. Mother never paid much attention to me then because I guess she was so busy running the farm and raising the family. I was energetic, loud mouthed and always getting into all kinds of scrapes. I never could make girl-friends. But Mother didn't worry about that. But later on, she did try her hardest to get me to act and talk like a lady. But how is that possible? When I mingled for years with boys , how could I suddenly be expected to be demure and sedate, to walk slowly and talk softly.. "

"But you were those things-"

"Only on the outside" said Scarlett, her green eyes shining. "On the inside, I thought the whole thing was silly. A girl learns how to dance and talk sweetly to beaus and in just a year or two, she has to set aside her dancing slippers and smiles and marry somebody, have babies and wear the most hideous colours. I was determined to live out my life-to really live life .. to the fullest! But I also wanted to feel safe. If only Mother had come along with me and shown me how to live- She never really lived, Rhett. She only served. And I was afraid the same thing would happen to me. That I would also one day wear nothing but crisp, black taffeta and walk with my chin held high, with a bunch of grandbabies about me .. just stagnant.. never being on the edge of things- Anyway, if she wouldn't come out to the fields, or even make some effort to understand how life on the farm actually went, even after I was born, then I guess I wasn't good enough to get her attention-"

"What does this have to do with Ashley?"

"Ashley resembled my Mother in a way. He was so gentle and sweet. When he first came to our door, I was just a small girl of fifteen and he looked like a knight in shining armour- a real Prince Charming- Everybody loved Ashley and I thought if only I could bring Ashley out of his shell- If I could only improve him somehow, then he would be forever grateful and I would feel loved- And Ashley always spoke about honour, duty and feelings. He spoke about them as if he experienced them. I thought that if I could always know what Ashley felt, then I would somehow become a true Lady, the way Mother always wanted me to be. You always said many times that I wasn't a Lady and I've always pretended that I didn't care. But deep down I did care. It doesn't make sense but do feelings ever make sense? I know that Mother was a real Southern Lady and she was safety itself and I knew I must eventually become like her. So, you see, I was stuck between wanting to feel safe and wanting to explore and live- and then I met you. We had a good time at first didn't we? You knew all about my temper and I was so annoyed by your -"

"Charm? Charisma?"

"Neither. Your way of talking- you are such a show-off! Well, I didn't realize it then, but I wouldn't have attempted half the things I did if it weren't for you. You went down those paths and showed me they were safe before you egged me onto them-"

Scarlett's hands trembled and she kept them under the lace of her parasol.

"Well, you know I married Charles Hamilton just to stay close to Ashley- I had to know everything about Ashley- what he was feeling- what he was doing- what he was thinking- But it was all always so vague and yet so beautiful. I don't know why I thought it was beautiful- you see, I often thought my own Mother's unfeeling yet caring nature was something likened to Mother Mary. I thought Ashley might be like that too. I know that he came from a very good family- a family much more united and harmonious than mine- so, why should there be anything wrong with Ashley- Well, it was only with the death of Melanie that I realized that for all his talk of feelings and honour, he had actually supressed his heart. So, he would never give me what I really wanted-"

"To be a Lady?"

"I...I guess so. I don't really know- I forced Ashley to work in my mills because I thought it would do him good. If he could only learn how to tell things practically- if only he could be more shrewd with his dealings- I..I was only trying to help him become something wonderful- I honestly thought I could bring him up to the state when he was strolling down Twelve Oaks, reciting some book he'd read or by the piano composing some poem or lyric- I thought I could do that.. But I was just stuck with just getting to know everything that he was doing- I was just stuck there- I wanted to see, I wanted to understand the things he knew and felt. I wanted to understand him!"

Scarlett felt her voice choke and rubbed a small tear from her eye. "I..I don't know why.. I just-" She found a handkerchief and blew her nose into it.

"But you did help him in other ways, didn't you?" said Rhett, kindly. "You helped him find a job and he wasn't at all fit for doing anything other than being the son of a rich planter-"

"Melanie kept singing my praises. Honestly Rhett, if she hadn't said those things about me, I wouldn't have remembered them myself- When I spoke to Ashley alone, he would start recalling the past- the old days- days that I loved and wished to forget- and when he spoke of them, I became that little girl again- that girl who was never afraid to run across the fields, crying at the top of her voice, falling from trees, damming brooks, throwing pebbles across the lake- I was never afraid then- But I had changed so much later- And when I felt so small and helpless, Ashley appeared like a source of safety- It was hard to resist him-to resist-"

"-taking that safety-even after you were married to me-"