Chapter 12: The Return of these Hometown Heroes!
Part 1
Axel, the town of beginner adventurers.
Due to this world's broken game balance, this supposed starter town was previously sieged by all sorts of powerful adversaries.
It was a miracle that this place was still standing.
After Rain teleported us, she went back to the capital to report to the king.
I asked her, while she was at it, to deliver a letter addressed to Iris.
The poor girl…she was probably desperately missing her onii-chan!
I imagined her forlornly sighing while lying on the bed I used during my visit to the capital, all the while crying bittersweet tears while reminiscing about our days together!
My cute imouto! Don't worry! Onii-chan will…!
"It has certainly been awhile," Darkness said, interrupting my thoughts of Iris. "I hope that my acquaintances will still remember me…"
As if anyone could forget a lunatic like her.
"It hasn't been that long," Aqua said. "I mean, it may seem like three months has passed since we last left Axel and embarked on our perilous journey to the Capital and then the home of the Crimson Demons, but I assure you that it has only been a month or so, maybe even less, since our departure."
"Who exactly are you talking to, Aqua?" I said.
Megumin, who was skipping merrily ahead of us, turned around and smiled.
"We're finally home, everyone," she said.
We returned her smile.
Out of all of us, it was Megumin who was the happiest at having returned home.
A peaceful life.
That was what she wanted.
Certainly, with the Devil King army eliminated, such an ideal was possible.
And in terms of financial security, even without the money Vanir owed us, the king made sure that we were taken care of, in that regard.
Spending the rest of my life in comfort with these girls…
Soon, we were near the town's entrance.
"Well, then, let us go," Darkness said, as she stepped forward, the others following after her.
"Wait a second," I said.
"Hm? What's wrong, Kazuma?" Aqua asked.
Just going in like this, so casually?
Even though it's been three months, I-I mean, about a month since we departed?
It felt sort of anti-climactic.
"No, no, no," I said. "This sort of lame entrance will not do. We are the heroes who accomplished all sorts of great deeds. Our homecoming needs more flair, more grandiosity!"
"You're starting to speak like that devil, Vanir," Darkness said. "And don't think that we'll go along with your whims so easi…hmmph!"
Darkness's words were interrupted as Megumin's cape hit her on the face.
Megumin, flicking her cape and posing dramatically, declared her approval.
"Hoho! Just what I expected from Kazuma! That visit to my hometown has made a positive impact on you! Very well, I will cast Explosion and use it as the backdrop for our magnificent entry!"
Aqua joined in on Megumin's theatrics, taking out her fans and twirling it about.
"And I will cast Sacred Create Water to remind the citizens of Axel that I am the deity ruling over this place!"
What was the deal with this 'end of times' scenario?!
Where they trying to bring about the apocalypse?!
"N-Never mind! I don't want you two to waste your precious mana for something so insignificant like this!
"Hmph! That is an excellent point! The powers of Explosion must be reserved for the eventual combat with the gods themselves…"
Then why did she insist on using it every day for the sake of 'practice'?
"Thanks for worrying, Kazuma, but I have plenty of mana in me! A small flood is no big deal at all!"
This goddess of debt just couldn't read between the lines at all!
"Now, now," Darkness said, coming to my rescue. "It's already lunchtime, right? Let's go to the guild and have something to eat. Since it's been awhile, I want to have some fried frog meat."
"The muscular Darkness can think of nothing but shoving meat in her mouth! Are you perhaps worried about your protein intake, or lack thereof? Perhaps, after all this time, your muscles have turned into fat since you haven't had a chance to train?!"
Not wanting her intention to flood the city be derailed, Aqua said these insulting things to Darkness.
"D-Don't think that I'll let that go just because of my fetish! I am not muscular, I'm just toned, OK?! And the idea of muscle turning into fat due to disuse is just a myth!"
As Darkness and Aqua continued to argue, Megumin and I looked at each other.
"L-Let's just go," Megumin said.
Our homecoming was very anti-climactic.
Part 2
"Oh, isn't that Kazuma and the others?! Hey, guys, it's them! They're back!"
In the guild hall, familiar faces began to congregate around us.
I expected the staff to restrain them, but they also joined the rush towards us.
"Hey, hey, when I hear about Kazuma defeating Prince Jatis in that tournament, I almost couldn't believe it! I thought I was dreaming!"
"Hey, hey, was that rumor about Darkness and Kazuma engaging in some kinky exhibition play true?! That was the talk of the capital, wasn't it?! It must be true 'coz I read about it on Adventurer's Weekly!"
"Hey, hey, Kazuma! You're stinking rich now, right? Treat us all to a round of beer!"
I had almost forgotten how rowdy these guys could be.
Darkness, when hearing about that incident from awhile back, began to blush, essentially confirming everyone's suspicions.
"Ohhh! So it wasn't just a rumor after all?! Now that I think about it, Darkness and Kazuma are kind of close, aren't they?"
"No, no. When you think about it, there's this developing atmosphere around the exploding girl with screws loose and Kazuma. In fact, don't they look perfect together?"
"I beg to disagree, sir. It's obvious that there's something going on between Aqua and Kazuma. And it's common knowledge that they've known each other the longest!"
"Huh?! Are you blind?! Aqua and Kazuma?! Where did that come from?!"
"No, you're all wrong. Don't you remember when Kazuma stole that thief girl's panties? I think I see something there!"
"Kazuma steals everyone's panties, OK?! It doesn't mean anything! He even stole my panties not that long ago! And he obviously has the hots for that decrepit store owner who sells magic items! I always see him looking at her with lewd eyes!"
"Lust never leads to love!"
"Only a virgin would say that!"
"Gah! Why you…!"
"…Well, I for one think that maybe they're all just good friends, nothing more, and it's OK if it stays that way, since true friendships run deeper than even the most passionate romance…"
Silence.
"What nonsense are you talking about?! Just die!"
"Why you…! Take this!"
Somehow, a riot ensued.
No, actually, I didn't understand why they were all so invested in my love life.
I looked to the others for help, but it seemed that they had already sneaked away earlier.
I was crushed on all sides by these fellows who suddenly became so interested in my personal affairs.
"OK, that's enough! All of you, calm down already!"
Coming to my rescue was the receptionist onee-san, Luna-san.
As everyone began to settle down onto their own seats, Luna-san smiled at me.
"Well, well, Kazuma-san. It seems that you've had a busy month."
"Ahahaha. S-Something like that."
I was uneasy because the look Luna-san was giving me, I had seen it before.
It was that look she gave when she wanted me to go on a quest.
"Even though Kazuma-san is now the hero of this country, I hope that he still goes on the occasional quest once in a while. It would be a shame if his talents were to go to waste due to idleness and a misguided desire to stay home all day and indulge in comfortable luxury."
That was exactly what I intended to do!
Was she an Esper?!
"W-Well, I guess I can stop by the guild once in a while..."
"Good! As this guild's ace adventurer, I have high expectations of you from now on, Kazuma-san!"
"Ahahahaha…ha…"
Even so, Luna-san had a point.
It wouldn't do for the hero of this land to devolve back into his NEET tendencies.
And plus, Iris would sulk if she saw that all her hard work to rehabilitate me went to waste.
But still…
The life of lounging around all day under the kotatsu…
So long, my dreams!
I dejectedly wandered about the guild until I found Megumin and the others already eating a feast of frog legs.
Megumin was about to sip on some beer.
I was about to snatch the mug away from her, but Darkness held my hand midway.
"It's OK to let her have a taste, Kazuma. It's been awhile since all four of us have eaten a meal together like this, anyway."
A meal of frog legs and beer at the guild…
It certainly brought back a lot of memories.
"OK, fine. But Megumin, practice moderation."
I sighed as she gave me a thumbs up while gulping down the beer.
Well, let this be a lesson to her, when she feels the effects afterwards.
"Oi, Kazuma," an adventurer from the next table called out to me. "So, are you treating us to beer or what?"
I smiled. "Oh, what the hell! Everyone, drink 'till you drop!"
"Uuoooooh!"
"Kazuma, Kazuma, alcohol is amazing! The feeling of inebriation is like the emotional high I feel after releasing an Explosion! Now I understand why Aqua is so willing to degrade herself into a low-life alcoholic for this stuff!" She grabbed another mug from a passing waitress. "Bottoms up!"
I expected Aqua to retort about that 'low-life alchoholic' comment, but she was already drunk out of her mind.
"Come on, Darkness! I've been practicing all this time! Let's see if you've been maintaining those hard muscles of yours!"
A warrior-type adventurer propped his elbow on our table, provoking Darkness to an arm-wrestling match.
"D-Don't call them hard! They're toned, OK, toned!"
The servers sighed as they prepared themselves for the property damage and the drunken antics of us adventurers.
I had almost forgotten about all this.
Being around nobles trying to gain my favor.
And then having to deal with those eccentric Crimson Demons.
I was once again among my peers.
That's right.
Before we were heroes.
Before we defeated the Devil King.
We were adventurers of Axel.
"All right! You female adventurers have been safe during my absence, right?! Well, your days of peace and security have come to an end! Let the Steal fest begin!"
After having rapidly consumed a mug of beer and already feeling its effects, I stood on a table and declared this proudly.
"Here it comes! Go for it, Kazu-trash!"
"Kyaa~! I knew this would happen! Girls, let's get out of here, the free beer is so not worth it!"
"Steal! Steal! Steal! Steal!"
The male adventurers all started enthusiastically cheering for me.
"Hahahahaha! Don't think you can run away from the Steal that led to the defeat of the Devil King! Steal!"
"Oh! Kazuma got some racy ones! Whose is that?!"
"Give those back! I bought those to show my boyfriend later!"
"Steal, steal…Eh, wait, for me?! Wait, Kazuma, I beg you man, please return those!"
As I flaunted the panties in the air, I couldn't help but think that if every day was like this, if we fell into such a routine from now on, I wouldn't mind it at all.
Part 3
"Ugh. My head."
"I-It's my fault, Megumin. Even though I knew it was your first experience with alcohol, I neglected to monitor your uptake," Darkness aid.
Darkness, who had a high metabolism, was the only one who wasn't suffering.
"The liquors at the capital were good and all, but nothing beats that good 'ol Axel beer," Aqua said.
There was a pleasant look on her face, until it turned green. She grabbed a bucket beside her and threw up.
"Hey, that's my bucket you're barfing into," Megumin said, before her cheeks inflated. She grabbed Aqua's bucket and unleashed her vomit.
I wasn't in such a bad state as these two. I spent my time harassing the female adventurers, and didn't have much time to drink.
"Hopefully, this will serve as a lesson for you, Megumin," I said. "You see? Alcohol is not as glamorous as you might think. Sure it feels good for a little while, but in the end you will only be left with regret."
"Feels good, but ends with regret, huh? That must be what a night with you must feel like," Megumin slurred back a retort.
"…"
I set myself up for that one.
We were back in our mansion, which had been finally repaired after Megumin blew it up along with the Devil King.
I had intended to tend to the grave of our resident ghost, but I had been too drunk by the time I got home.
I intended to do all sorts of things. Reminiscing with the others about the memories we had in this mansion, checking the rooms to make sure the repair staff got everything back the way it was.
But now I was leaning back on this sofa while Megumin and Aqua were vomiting in buckets beside me.
As I watched Megumin dry-heaving in front of a bucket, a long string of vomit infused spit hanging down her lips, there came a knock on the door.
"Who could that be, at this hour?" Darkness said.
"I'll get it," I said.
If Darkness wasn't there to take care of those two, who knew what would happen to them.
Or what would happen to the living room.
And I didn't want to take over the responsibility of watchdog for Darkness, anyways.
I fought the warnings from my body to stay down instead of moving about, but I forced myself to stand.
At the door, I projected my voice out and said, "Who is it?"
"It's me, it's me!"
The voice was familiar.
"Sorry, but I'm familiar with the 'it's me, it's me' scam. It's quite frequent in the country I came from. Please leave the premises before I unleash our pet Running Hawk Kite on you."
"C-Come on, did you forget already?! You should recognize me just by my voice. It's me! And you don't really have a pet Running Hawk Kite." She paused. "…Do you?"
Right on cue, Megumin began dry-heaving again.
"Uuueee~! Uuuuueeee~!"
"Gah! You really did get a pet Running Hawk Kite?! Why?! Is this what they call the frivolous expenses of the affluent?!"
I did recognize that voice from somewhere.
I opened the door.
"Ah, so it was you, Chris."
The thief girl who taught me my first and favorite skill.
She smiled cockily. "Heh. You're the one who invited me, Kazuma-kun."
Hm? Did I do something like that?
"Haha! That confusion on your face is so funny, but I don't blame you. Still, you act so different around me compared from when I was…well, I guess guys really do prefer the gentle, submissive type, huh? Or maybe it's because of this…"
For some reason, Chris looked down at her breasts with an amused look on her face.
"Well, come in, Chris. Make yourself at home," I said.
"Thanks! Whoa! It stinks like vomit in here!"
"We had a celebration at the guild," I said. "You weren't there?"
"Well, I heard that you'd be there and I knew that you can get out of hand during those things…"
Ah, so she didn't want a repeat of that incident.
Chris was known in Axel with the disgraceful moniker of 'The First Victim', after all.
"Eh? Chris? What are you doing here? I thought you were at the capital?"
Darkness said this as she peeked at the door, having recognized her friend's voice.
Chris went to the capital?
"This is the first time I've heard of this," I said.
"Didn't I tell you, Kazuma-kun? Well, I guess I didn't have a chance to, or maybe it slipped my mind. Sorry! I was busy with all sorts of things as I was preparing to leave."
Well, we weren't so close that she had to tell me all her life plans.
"Why didn't you look for us when you were at the capital, Chris?" I asked. "We could have arranged for you to stay with us in the castle."
Chris's face stiffened.
"Ah. Now that you mention it, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I just did that…"
Certainly. She must have heard about our accomplishments by then, and how we were invited to stay in the castle. She would have saved money on accommodations if she sought us out.
Darkness prepared some tea for Chris, and while she was at it, made some medicinal tea that was supposedly good for treating hangovers, for Aqua and Megumin.
I took the buckets away as having them out was just plain rude towards Chris.
Thankfully, Aqua and Megumin had already gotten most of the vomit out of their system.
They were now lazily reclining on the sofa as Darkness made them gulp down the bitter tea.
"So, what brings you here, Chris?" Darkness asked, after she finished fussing over Aqua and Megumin. "You still didn't explain why you left the capital. I thought that you were trying to make a name for yourself there."
Chris averted her eyes. "Make a name for myself there…right. Well, actually, um, this is a bit embarrassing for me to admit, but I had a hard time settling into the big city. I guess I was too overconfident. And so I used the last of my money to come back here."
"I see," Darkness said. "Not just Chris, but that must be the case for most adventurers who stationed themselves in the capital. With the defeat of the Devil King army, those front line fighters are now out of a job…"
Eh?
So it was our fault that Chris had to give up on her dreams and come back to Axel?
W-What was up with that?!
Chris must have sensed the guilt I was feeling as she frantically waved her hands about. "I-It's not as dramatic as you make it sound, Darkness! Geez! Don't project your fantasies onto me!"
"…Ehehehe. Facing unemployment, the proud female knight who had been fighting proudly in the front lines had no choice but to sell her body! Her first client, a perverted noble who had always had his eyes on her, would say something like, 'Hohoho. You've been training this body to become like a weapon that surpasses the Devil King, but now it is nothing more than a tool that will satisfy the lust of a man like me!' The female knight will resist, claiming that the noble could have her body, but not her heart, but the noble will eventually break her down and…kuh! P-Pleash use your big thing to mesh me up, mashter~!"
We watched as Darkness melted into a puddle and squirmed on the floor.
"I-It seems that Darkness is still time same, huh?" Chris said.
No, somehow, her condition was even worse than before.
Part 4
In the end, we agreed to let Chris stay with us.
The mansion was too big just for the four of us, anyway, and it was sort of indirectly our fault that she had to come back from the capital.
"Y-You guys are mistaken about the unemployment thing…well, I guess this works out, too, I guess."
Again, she said all these vague things.
I chalked it up to Chris being embarrassed at having to rely on us for shelter, but she was a friend, and the others didn't seem to mind her staying with us for a while.
Aqua, who had already started to recover as she was an experienced drunkard, didn't seem to care if Chris was staying with us or not.
In fact, she took immediate advantage of it.
"OK, new girl. If you're going to be staying here, you need to know the established hierarchy. Everyone in this household comes second to me, Aqua-sama, a goddess."
Chris's eyes widened. "G-Goddess?! Senp…I mean, Aqua-san, w-what are you talking about?!" She laughed nervously while looking at Darkness and Megumin. "There's no way that you could really be a goddess, right? Haha. What a funny joke!"
"Gah! Why is this new girl so rude to me?!"
Darkness sighed. "Don't take Aqua so seriously, Chris. She claims to be a goddess for some reason. What's weird is that she's still a powerful Arch-Priest, even though she commits so many blasphemies on a daily basis. Maybe the real Aqua-sama is much more lenient than I thought…"
"T-The real Aqua-sama, r-right!" Chris said. "Because there's no way that real goddesses would come down here, in this…I mean, in our world! Nope!"
"Uh, yeah, exactly," Darkness said.
Even Chris seemed to be disturbed by Aqua's antics.
"Guys, you shouldn't tease Aqua so much. In fact, if you tease her about being a goddess, then I will take personal offense, too," Megumin slurred. She had a hot towel covering her eyes as she occupied the entirety of the couch, lying down on it with her limbs splayed.
We were all sitting next to the kotatsu except Megumin, who was still out of sorts.
Darkness raised a brow in confusion. "Why would Megumin take offense if…oh, I get it. Because Megumin sometimes claims that she's the reincarnation of the 'god of destruction' from a previous lifetime, or something, right? So if we attack Aqua, it affects you vicariously, right?"
"…Don't group me with Aqua. And I'm not lying about being the reincarnation of the god of destruction."
Beside me, Chris began to chuckle.
"It certainly is lively around here," she said.
"You should see them when they don't have hangovers," I said. "This is pretty tame compared to the usual."
"Ahahaha! Is that so? Then it looks like I'll have lots of fun during my stay here!"
It was dinner time, and even though Megumin still felt nauseous, Darkness insisted that she get something in her stomach, or else her condition might get worse.
We didn't have time to properly stock-up our pantry, so dinner was take-out that Chris brought with her.
"I thought that it'd be rude if I came empty handed," Chris said.
How considerate of her.
Actually, contrary to what you'd think of a 'thief', Chris was very well-mannered.
I was starting to develop a high opinion of her.
I mean, in comparison, Aqua and Megumin was already wolfing down the food.
I was looking especially at Megumin. She noticed me looking at her.
"…What is it?"
I sighed. "Nothing. I'm just wondering if the last week had all been an illusion…"
"Oi! Don't think that I don't know what you're talking about! Don't underestimate the Crimson Demon clan's powers of comprehension!"
The Megumin who had made my heartbeat go 'doki, doki' so many times during our stay in the home of the Crimson Demons…
Where had that Megumin gone?
And it didn't help that I had front-row seats to the sight of Megumin vomiting ceaselessly for an entire hour.
This sense of disillusionment…
It was like learning for the first time as a kid that girls weren't made of sugar and spice and everything nice.
That they farted and peed just like the rest of us.
And also, perhaps it was because we were home now, in a familiar place.
Like how, in a school trip, you would start seeing your classmates in a different light, and an intimate atmosphere would form…
Not that I'd have experiences of such a phenomenon first hand.
But that was how it was depicted in manga and anime.
After dinner, we drank some more tea while Aqua forced Chris to play that strange chess-like board game she often played with Megumin.
"Fufu. This will be your initiation, new girl. I hope that you'll learn your place after you face defeat in my hands," Aqua said.
Aqua was starting to sound like one of those queen-bee types who ruled the popular cliques in school.
"Ah, I know this game. I'm quite good, though, Aqua-san," Chris said. "Especially with the Thief pieces…"
"Haha! If you're a mere beginner, there's no shame in admitting it! Everyone knows that aside from the useless Adventurer piece, the Thief piece is the weakest combat piece in the game!"
"It's not all about combat power, Aqua-san. There is also utility to consider. For example, I will use my thief's 'Bind' ability."
Aqua actually blushed a little. "H-Hold on. Sorry, it seems that I've forgotten the effects of that skill. Please let me check the rulebook."
She suddenly turned meek all of a sudden.
Perhaps it was because Chris was so patient with her.
It was like a naughty child losing their hostility when a patient teacher shows consideration towards them.
"Ah?! Really?! So unless I have my Arch-Wizards waste a turn using 'Break Skill', that piece you used Bind on won't be able to attack?!"
"Yes, they can still move but…ah, since your Crusader can't attack, and you've moved within the range of my Adventurer, I will counter using this..."
"A pincer attack?! Kuh! That Crusader piece didn't last long at all!"
Darkness was watching the game, and tried her hardest not to take Aqua's comments about the Crusader class personally. "N-Nice work, taking out that Crusader, Chris. It must have been a difficult task, indeed," she said.
With the effective way Chris used her Thief pieces, Aqua couldn't catch them, even if they overextended past the enemy's frontlines. And Aqua had to use her Arch-Wizards to dispel the Bind skill, otherwise her other important pieces wouldn't be able to attack the entire game.
As such, Chris was free to use her own Arch-Wizards in an offensive capacity, without fear of being countered by Aqua's own Arch-Wizards.
"And I'll take this Arch-Priest you were hiding behind your soldiers the entire battle, and with that I win the game, Aqua-san."
"Ugh. Although Megumin is a much tougher opponent than you, the way you fought was very irritating. It reminds me of a certain sneaky someone. But, that was kind of fun, in a way! Do you want to play another round?"
"Oh, sure!"
I thought that Aqua would go on a tantrum and flip the board over.
Maybe she thought that she'd have a chance against an opponent who couldn't compare to the genius level intellect of Megumin.
Eventually, I was sure Aqua would revert to her usual ways.
Sure enough, by the fourth game and her fourth defeat…
"Gaaaahhhh!"
"A-Aqua-san?!"
She flipped the board over.
Part 5
It was late now.
There were a lot of available spare rooms for Chris to sleep in, and we prepared blankets and such in case of situations like this.
As for the toiletries…
"We can buy you some stuff tomorrow, but if you use this holy water that was produced from the divine body of yours truly, your mouth will be clean anyways!"
"T-Thanks, Aqua-san."
Chris probably wanted to ask, 'Exactly which part of your body did this 'holy water' come from?', but stopped herself, so as not to appear rude.
As we were preparing to go to sleep, unpacking our bags and taking out our sleep wear and toiletries, I felt a hand touch my shoulder…
"Ahem," Megumin did a fake cough.
She then slipped me a piece of paper.
When she walked away, I unfolded it.
We didn't really get a chance to talk today, even though I had a lot of things I wanted to talk to you about.
If you'd like, do you want to meet me in my room? Preferably when everyone else is asleep. I don't want them to get to wrong idea
-Megumin
P.S. I don't want you to get the wrong idea as well. There's nothing lewd going on, got it?
"…!"
Ah, there she was!
The Megumin that I thought was a mere illusion finally returned!
"Yahoo!"
"E-Eh? Kazuma, what's wrong?"
Darkness, who was unpacking beside me, said this.
I could see Megumin blushing a little as she pretended to be occupied with her own unpacking.
"A-Ah, nothing. I just found the lucky underwear I thought I left behind in the home of the Crimson Demons…"
"…I didn't know that Kazuma was the type to have lucky underwear."
"I-It's the secret to my high luck stat!"
What the hell was I saying?
"W-Well! Does anybody mind if I take a bath first? I need to prepare my body for..."
Megumin hurriedly passed by me again, provided another fake cough, and I felt another piece of paper in my hands.
Nothing Lewd Going On, Got It?!
Each word was capitalized.
She even felt the need to underline it.
I still took a bath anyways, since I still smelled like booze.
"Ehehehehe."
In the tub, I was giggling maniacally.
Getting an invitation from a girl this late at night.
Even though the sort of things I was envisioning probably wouldn't happen…
One of a virgin's small pleasures in life was to delude oneself into anticipating the impossible!
In all seriousness, I couldn't help but notice that the mood between Megumin and I was improving.
Beyond this, however, I didn't know what to expect.
Pursuing a relationship with Megumin, if this good mood continued…
Was something like that even possible?
No, of course it was possible.
What was so wrong about a guy and a girl pursuing a relationship?
In terms of the age difference, this world's laws were different from my own.
And the gap wasn't really all that large, anyways.
In some ways, Megumin was more intellectually capable than me.
In terms of maturity, she could use some work in some areas.
But she had an advanced awareness of the things going on around her.
Certainly, she was more mature than I was, at her age.
So with that justification, I supposed that it was just a matter of how we both felt.
And how exactly did I feel, about Megumin…?
"…!"
I didn't notice, but time had flown by as I was in the bath.
Sitting in this lukewarm water, I had spent all this time trying to rationalize a relationship with Megumin.
"Oi, Kazuma, hurry up already! I don't want to go to sleep smelling like vomit! What do you think my adorable followers would say if they saw their goddess in such a state?! Oi!"
I dressed into my sleepwear and opened the door for Aqua.
"Finally! Why did you take so long? Don't tell me you were doing…this?"
She made some obscene hand gestures with her hand.
"Well, let's say that I was. I suppose it helps that you're the goddess of water. That bath water could use some cleansing."
"Don't degrade the value of my title as the goddess of water! And if you were doing all sorts of dirty things in the bath, at least have the courtesy to drain the water!"
I left Aqua to her bath as I went to my room.
The familiarity of my room immediately hit me.
"Ah! This bed can't compare to those luxurious ones from the castle, but somehow it feels like I can sleep here forever!"
Diving on my familiar bed, I shifted my form into the position I was comfortable in.
Hugging my pillow, my body relaxing.
"…Ah…this…feels…"
My eyelids began to fall.
"…Wrong!"
I righted myself into a sitting position.
That was close! I didn't realize how exhausted I was, and almost fell into a tranquil sleep!
Ah…sleep…
I reclined on the headrest once more…
"No, no, no! Get your head in the game! Eyes on the goal!"
I yelled these empty platitudes in an effort to psyche myself up.
My alone time with Megumin would be put in jeopardy if I let myself fall into one of the major temptations of life, sleep.
"That's right. Remember all those times you slept for only two hours a night just to receive the Daily Reward and the EXP bonus available only in certain times of the day. Remember your days as a Ranker who was consistently in the leaderboards in all the mainstream MMORPG's!"
I dwelled on my past success in order to resist the overwhelming urge to sleep.
I resumed this pattern of almost drifting to sleep, only to suddenly regain motivation once more.
Soon, after what felt like an endless transference between sleep and wake, it was already past midnight.
Aqua was an early sleeper, but Darkness was always up late at night, the light in her room never shutting off until two in the morning.
And sometimes you could hear strange noises coming out of her room…
I didn't know about Chris's sleeping patterns, but she wasn't familiar with the layout of the mansion.
She wouldn't know the difference between Megumin's room and the bathrooms, for instance.
It didn't matter if she caught me sneaking about to or from Megumin's room.
After reassuring myself, I made my move.
Part 6
Sneaking around in my own home felt strange.
Rather, it felt kind of sad.
While I was sneaking around in the shadows while using Lurk, I couldn't help but wonder why it was that I was so careful in hiding my late night meeting with Megumin, from the others.
Surely, we were all friends here. Wanting to chat with each other, regardless of the time, there was nothing inherently wrong with that.
'But if you wanted to chat, then why didn't you just meet up in the living room?'
Darkness was bound to say that.
And there it was! That was the strange thing, wasn't it?!
If Megumin just wanted to 'chat' then why invite me to her bedroom?
And what was up with that suspicious message anyway?! If she wanted to talk to me so much, we could spend the whole day chatting the next day, if she wanted to!
Or perhaps she was saying, 'talking the entire day is not enough for me, I want to talk to you during the night, too'.
"!"
W-What was up with that incredibly dere-dere scenario I conjured?!
Regardless of my inhibitions, if Megumin, or any girl really, were to say something like that to me, I had no doubt that I would fall in love immediately with them!
I mean, who wouldn't, after a line like that?
But of course, such a person didn't exist.
Such embarrassing dialogue could only be found in bishojou games.
My tired mind was coming up with all sorts of strange things.
Well, whatever Megumin's intentions were, I would find out soon.
After setting up that flag, of course, inevitably, some unrelated incident just had to occur.
I saw a figure in the darkness
And they seemed to be using Lurk.
From some reason, my Detect Enemy didn't activate.
Like what happened with Sylvia, maybe this thief didn't have any hostile intentions.
No, if they were planning to break into someone's abode, that would fall under 'hostile intention'.
Perhaps they had a skill that could bypass Detect Enemy.
The only reason why I noticed them, even as they used Lurk, was because I had been using Foresight to navigate in the dark.
Reinforcing my Lurk, I tried my best to blend into the shadows.
All the while, I inched closer to the threat.
Closer.
Closer.
Until I was close enough to attack!
"Gotcha!"
"Eh?!"
I leapt towards my target.
"Wah?!"
It was a feminine voice.
And the body…
"If it's a female thief, then it is my duty as the owner of this estate to do this! And this!"
Overcome with my duty as a law abiding citizen, I let my urges run free…I mean, I performed the self-defence necessary to apprehend this female thief!
"Ah! This chest is quite modest, but there's no doubt that this is a female thief!"
"M-Modest?! Let go of me already! It's me, it's me!"
Hm? Somehow the voice was familiar?
But it couldn't be, right?
"A thief and a scammer?! Just for participating in that 'it's me, it's me' scam, you deserve double the punishment!"
"Geez! Just let go of me already!"
"Guh!"
The hilt of a dagger buried into my stomach.
Gaining free space, the thief lashed out with a kick at the same spot her dagger had hit.
I was sent flying back.
I righted myself after wheezing once.
Without any equipment, I had to rely on my magic.
"Create Water! Freeze!"
Spraying water on the ground, I quickly flash froze it into a layer of transparent ice.
The thief held onto the wall for support, and didn't advance further.
All that's left is to disable her further and wait for the others to hear the noise and come to my aid…
"Create Earth, Wind Brea…"
"Bind!"
Before I could properly disable her, the thief grabbed a rope she had attached to her belt and threw it at me.
Ah.
What an idiot I was.
With the ice everywhere, I couldn't dodge.
Well, if I was going down anyways…
"What are you doing?!"
I ran towards the thrown rope!
Even as the rope latched onto my body, disabling my limbs, I pushed my momentum to slide down the ice!
"Log roll attack!"
I yelled this ridiculous thing as I log rolled through the ice and swept up the legs of the thief!
"Whoa!"
She fell on her butt even as I continued to slide down the hall.
"W-W-W-What's going on here?!"
Megumin, who was still awake as she waited for me, was the first one to respond.
She came out with one of her emergency wands. Her hand shaking as she held it out.
I had almost forgotten that Megumin had a tendency to panic.
"There's a female thief! Don't let her get away!"
Megumin squinted her eyes in the dark at the thief's direction.
"…How are you so sure that it's a female thief, Kazuma?"
I did not miss the accusatory tone in her voice.
"I can see in the dark with Foresight, remember? Never mind that! Let's just apprehend this female thief!"
"No, rather than risk our lives fighting this skilled thief who managed to take down a veteran adventurer like Kazuma, shouldn't we just let them go? I don't know what it is they stole, but we don't have a lot of valuables, anyway. Only Aqua has an expensive taste among us, and we can always just replace any stolen wine."
As if I cared about any stolen items, especially if it was one of Aqua's fancy wines!
Really, what my intention was…
Capturing a female thief and 'interrogating' them was the fantasy of every healthy male adventurer!
"No, we must capture this female thief!"
"Why are you insistent?!"
"Megumin?! Kazuma?! Are you guys alright?!"
Darkness emerged out of her room, her face flushed red, her body sweaty, and her hair a mess.
She held out her sword in front of her.
We all looked at her suspicious state.
"I-I decided to have a late night work out, in order to maintain my shape…"
She provided an excuse even though we didn't ask for one.
"…What's going on here?" Aqua said, as she blearily came out of her room. She was the only one with the sense to bring a candle. "Are you guys having a slumber party without me?"
What part of this seemed like a party to her?
As they all cornered the female thief, and as I tried to roll my way over to them, the female thief considered her options, looking behind at an open window to her side.
Darkness noticed the motion and blocked that passage.
Eventually, the female thief sighed.
"Now, take off your mask!" Darkness said. "By the authority of the house of Dustiness, I assure you that if you cooperate willingly, your sentence will be light…"
The thief sighed once again. "Why did I ever think that this was a good idea?"
The mask came off.
Silver hair, and a scar on her cheek.
Which she scratched.
"Uh, hey. Sorry for the commotion this late at night, guys."
Part 7
"Well, to start with, what do you guys know about the Chivalrous Thief?"
We had relocated to the living room.
Surrounded by all of us, not necessarily restrained, but under close supervision, Chris said this while averting her eyes.
"Oh, you mean that handsome thief who is stealing from corrupt nobles and giving the stolen loot to orphanages ran by the Eris church?" I said.
I had heard about this Chivalrous Thief from Iris, who spoke about such a man with so much admiration.
I spat on the ground. "Ah, such hypocritical guys who break the law under the pretension of 'justice'. I bet that guy just likes the attention."
Chris laughed as she pointed to herself. "That's not a very nice thing to say. And I'm not exactly a 'guy', Kazuma-kun."
"Eh?! Chris, do you mean to say that…?!"
Darkness widened her eyes as she looked at her friend in shock.
"Yup, I'm that famous Chivalrous Thief!"
Darkness's face shifted from surprise, to comprehension, until it hardened into an emotion I hadn't seen from Darkness yet…
"…I see. So you're that kind of person, huh?"
"E-Eh? Darkness?"
"I can't believe that you committed all those crimes! I can't just ignore this, you know!"
Chris squirmed in her seat. "Um, I know that this is not the time to say this but…I'm doing this for a good reason. And because of that, I can't afford to go to jail. Please just overlook this, just this one time!"
"There's no way that I can! I'm…I'm the daughter of Dustiness! The people believe in me to uphold the laws of this land!"
"I-If you want me to atone for my crimes, I can do that! But, for now, I still have things I need to do! I'll face the punishment, but…I was hoping that as a noble, you could use your influence to, you know, help me out a little…"
Darkness gasped. She began to step away from Chris.
"Did you think that…you can get away with your crimes, just because you're friends with a noble of high-stature like me?!"
"!"
Chris's mouth went agape as she looked at Darkness.
Megumin, Aqua and I looked at each other.
We all slowly started stepping away…
"You three, where are you going? Stay here."
We froze. The Darkness who was usually like that spoke in such a commanding tone.
"N-No! Darkness, I never once even considered our friendship as a means to…how could you even think that?!"
"Now that I think about it, you probably returned from the capital to escape the search parties, right? So you came to us for a place to hide...no, if you were just looking for a place to lay low, any random inn would do. You chose our home because it's a political sanctuary. Not only do I, a Dustiness, live here, but my comrades as well, the heroes who defeated the Devil King..."
Chris brought her head down. "That…even though that's not my only motivation…I considered those factors…yes."
"I see."
Without saying another word, Darkness left us alone with Chris.
We heard her softly climb upstairs.
"I-I'll go talk to Darkness," Megumin said.
She followed Darkness upstairs.
Aqua and I were left to awkwardly stand around Chris.
I coughed into a hand. "Um, I'm sure that Darkness is just shocked, is all."
Chris laughed. "It's OK. You don't need to cheer me up. I know Darkness. She has a good set of morals. Which is one of the reasons why I approached her in the first place."
I remembered the story Darkness's father told me, about how Darkness had continually prayed to Eris-sama for a friend, and then one day, Chris suddenly appeared, and they hit it off from there.
"I should have known that Darkness, who values the law and the ideal of justice, would react this way."
I didn't know what to say.
This was the first time I've been in the middle of any real relational conflict.
Certainly, the girls and I had our share of arguments.
But we never had any real fights before.
"Hmph. If you're Darkness's oldest friend, you should know better," Aqua said.
Putting salt on the wound, of course, was Aqua.
"Oi, Aqua, Chris gets it already. Just leave her alone."
"No, it's OK, Kazuma-kun. Aqua-san is right. I already knew that Darkness would react this way when she found out that I broke the law."
"Geez! And Kazuma calls me stupid! It's not about some dumb law, is it?! Darkness was mad that you used her! That you betrayed the trust between you!"
"!"
As Aqua said it, I began to realize it too.
Darkness seemed upset about finding out that her friend was a criminal, at first.
But at the end, what seemed to cause her the most grief, was the thought that Chris had befriended Darkness just because of the political advantage she could derive from it.
"I-Is that really how it is?"
"Of course it is! I mean, I'm sure that Kazuma should be rotting in jail right now, with all the sexual harassment stunts he pulled, but you don't see Darkness doing anything about it!"
"Oi, don't use me as an example!"
Ignoring me, Aqua went on.
"Geez! This is what I don't get about you mortals! You overestimate yourselves! You really think that Darkness is so righteous and morally upstanding, that she'd condemn you to a jail cell?! Darkness cares about you more than some law! Don't think that she's above such things like selfishness! She's not a goddess like me, OK?! She's an imperfect human being who will gladly twist her morals for the sake of a precious friend! And the same goes for you! You stupid mortal! You're not a goddess either! Stop taking matters in your own hands, acting like some kind of lame vigilante by yourself, and rely on your friend more!"
Aqua took deep breaths after that passionate speech. Exhausted, she threw herself on the sofa.
Chris looked at Aqua for a while before smiling gently.
"I see. It seems that I've still got a lot to learn from you, senpai."
"You got that right. I mean you…huh, senpai?"
Suddenly, a bright light came upon Chris.
I shielded my eyes.
As the light dimmed, I slowly opened them.
Silver hair, but it was longer now.
The scar was gone, but she was still scratching her cheek.
Eris-sama winked at us.
"Thank you for inviting me to your lovely home, Kazuma-san."
Chapter 12 END
Next Chapter: Gifting these Delinquents with Guidance!