Chapter 70
Scarlett's demons began to haunt her the moment she stepped out of her house. Memories of how she had spent all her time and energy trying to secure Ashley Wilkes - taking care of Melanie during her pregnancy, taking care of the entire Wilkes family after the war, providing Ashley with work soon after, everything she ever did all came to a glorious nothing. She tried to convince herself that it would be the same with Rhett. There was no love in those eyes of his. And he was leaving her, that was a fact.
Her hands trembled and her heart twisted in bitterness at all her efforts for finally being in that moment- having done something so meaningful that she could feel all those special feelings that everybody else seemed to feel. But she had been fooled and she would very easily have been taken in again if she had stayed any longer in that house.
She could not remember when she started realizing that she was capable to showing affection and that she was just different in expressing her feelings than her Mother who seemed to have personal values and morals at her fingertips. All those gentle reproaches came from a loving place but she could never really be like her Mother. And perhaps if her Mother had tried more in their relationship, she would have seen just how worthy of a daughter she was.
Tried more.
Somehow that phrase stuck in her mind as her eyes wandered down the busy streets. Somewhere down the lane was a huge carnival sign. She saw the colourful banners and a crowd of young people chatting outside the gates and possessed by the sudden urge to enjoy herself she quickly walked down the road and entered the carnival grounds.
When Scarlett returned to the house, her face was flushed and pink. Her eyes were alive with cheer which did not come from any relationship but just from having a splendid afternoon amongst some fun and festivities. She saw that the children were out with Rhett and began giving orders for lunch. Now that the first few moments of meeting Rhett were over, Scarlett felt she could relax and perhaps even grow comfortable with having Rhett stay with them that day.
But the three did not come for lunch at all. Instead she saw them only for a late dinner. Ella was half asleep and Wade was nearly falling off his chair in fatigue. When dinner was finally over and both children sent to bed, Rhett called her into the library. Scarlett steeled herself for the final goodbye.
"Wade tells me that you plan on sending him to a law school-" began Rhett, abruptly. He lit a cigar and smoked it. "I thought you wanted him to run Frank's store. Why the sudden change of heart?"
"Wade told me he wanted to become a lawyer. That's why." replied Scarlett, annoyed at Rhett's interference.
"He told you that before and you nearly bit his head off. But you've changed your heart...or mind suddenly- but never mind- Its a lot of trouble, you know. Wade might give up after he sees the long travel and the hours of study in a dingy damp office- It might all come to nothing-"
"I'm going to drive him to the law office everyday-"
"And mould him into something he's not-no doubt-"
"It shouldn't matter to you since you are-" Scarlett bit her lip. Rhett was trying to bait her again.. damn him. He wont let her give him a decent farewell.
She took a deep breath.
"You couldn't be more wrong. I don't want to mould Wade. I am only going to accompany him to the law office every morning, drop him off and I'll come right back home. In the evening, he will come home on his own with his friends. And if Wade wants to quit, its his responsibility. I am only trying- It's just something I thought of trying- Besides-"
Suddenly Scarlett's eyes glazed over with a kind of tenderness. "Wade has lost his father. He never knew him. And he loves you but you are going away. So, its up to me to help him find out what he wants to do in life- be it a lawyer or a store keeper. I am going to do the same with Ella too. We three are all we've got! And you must have noticed some difference-"
"I have." replied Rhett, shortly. "I suppose you have finally decided to love your children because you might derive some sort of happiness in caring for them- "
"Why do you keep trying to understand or criticize me, Rhett? What does it matter what I do?!" snapped Scarlett, in exasperation. "Good heavens! Aren't all mothers running around trying to find the best for their families?! I am not any different-"
"Yes, you are- Because you didn't love both your children when they were born!" replied Rhett, softly. He drew his cigar and gazed intently into Scarlett's face.
"Yes, you are right!" said Scarlett, surprised at the emotion in her voice. "I hardly remember Wade's first year. He was just somebody's baby in a cradle while I worked all day at the hospital, dressing wounds and carrying trays of nasty smelling things from one ward to another- And I thought Ella was an ugly baby-a little monkey that's what she was! I've felt ashamed for not liking things at the first glance- especially important things like my own children- But perhaps I was never meant for that- Oh Rhett, don't you see that's why I expected so much more involvement from you? I knew that I wasn't very capable of expressing my own feelings from the word go! That's why I depended on you to- But never mind- Its too late now. But I've found it doesn't matter what I feel towards a person or a thing when I first see it. As long as I consult my heart at some point and do what's best for everyone- And maybe I will never feel many tender feelings or be sedate or sublime in the broad sense of what Society expects from women, but that's all right. I don't believe in all that anyway-"
"What do you believe in?"
"In enjoying life, taking risks and being there for my children- In a way, I feel sorry for you, Rhett. You think you are escaping your troubles when you leave me but the only real happiness is in doing things together and being there for each other- Now, why do you pace the floor like that? When is your boat coming? Shouldn't you be at the dock?"
Rhett took long strides across the carpet and looked annoyed too.
"Why do you keep walking like that?" repeated Scarlett, in irritation.
"Because I don't know what to do, dammit!" cried Rhett, frustrated. "I thought I knew. Now I am not so sure."