Chapter 76

After staying still for an hour or so, Scarlett rose up and rushed eagerly to the vestry. The clergyman minister was now polishing off a few silver articles with a small cloth on the table.

"Father, may I speak with you?" asked Scarlett.

The minister looked up and smiled. "This is an irregular day. Usually I don't have so much time on my hands. My wife takes care of these things while I am busying preparing for the masses. But she is ill and has taken to bed. That is why I am here. But perhaps I am here because God wants me to listen to you. So, come in and take your seat. Tell me what is bothering you."

"I sat still for a while as you said, Father-" said Scarlett, eagerly. Her eyes ran over the shelves nearby where a curious arrangement of prayer beads, small miniatures of Mary holding Infant Jesus, the Apostle Paul- small bottles of water, candles, incense were kept. "I wish I could do more. I want to buy some holy water and some of those candles."

The clergyman man walked over and handed those items.

"How much are they?"

"They are mine, Madam-"

"Butler- My name is Mrs. Scarlett Butler-"

"Well, then, Mrs. Butler- you may have them free of charge-"

"Oh thank you!" smiled Scarlett. "I feel as though I am becoming quite possessed- I don't know what is happening to me these days" Scarlett grinned nervously and the clergyman smiled kindly.

"No doubt, some pain drove you here- you spoke about submission- you have learnt how to submit to God. Yet you still talk of being possessed- why?"

"Well, I keep imagining the past- I never used to do it before-"

"Isn't it good to think of the past. I enjoy recalling my boyhood days-"

"Yes, but I never used to do that. And it brings a lot of pain-"

"Pain, you say- What kind of pain?"

"I don't know- I start sweating and my head aches badly- Oh Father, I always feel as if I am running through a mist where monsters and terrible things are reaching out and I am looking for a safe place but there is no one- And I feel so tired and lost and frightened-"

The minister leaned forward in his seat and leaned his elbows so that his fingers formed a pensive peak. "Describe this pain you spoke of - the things you imagined today-"

"Well, it isn't an interesting story-"

"Its quite all right- You can tell me-"

"All right, I will tell you- You see, Father..." Scarlett related the entire happenings she imagined to the minister who nodded attentively and never interrupted her until she finished what she had to say.

"Well, Mrs. Butler- It seems to me that your Mother's emotional weight was borne by the entire family. Her desire to escape her sadness was worked into the strict upbringing of her children and the efficient working of the entire plantation-"

"Is that bad?!" asked Scarlett, in fear.

The clergyman chuckled softly. "Mrs. Butler- who am I to judge a person? But you were her child once- what do you say? Now that you have imagined so much- tell me, what do you say?"

Scarlett looked taken aback. "Well, I-"

"Don't be afraid, Mrs. Butler- remember you have just now surrendered to God and you are here- you are safe here-"

"I.. I think its all wrong- It was only sadness- being busy just for the sake of escaping it seems like..like.."

"A child's plan? Yes, I think in many ways your Mother was a hurt child at heart. Her anger not being allowed to feel sadness had built up so much that she feared the emotional weight would destroy her. So she gathered the help of her husband and her children-"

"But Father, I wanted to submit to my own pain before-"

"Ah, but your Mother's need dominated your own- When she was busy serving others to escape her own sadness, how could you be allowed to sit in calm submission to your own emotions?"

"I always ran to Mother whenever I was upset- She comforted me so gently."

"She must have found a great pleasure in that. To relieve sadness in others when she could not relieve her own-"

"But isn't that how it is supposed to be? Shouldn't her daughter seek the comfort of her Mother's arms?"

"Yes, but the choice is always there. You can confide in your Mother or you could choose to submit to your pain and bear the cross on your own. That is how one bears sadness when the sadness is in a person's nature...in this case, your Mother's nature. We are all quite the opposite on the inside. We are not the people we profess ourselves to be- You, Mrs. Butler- you were raised to be a dominant woman and you believed yourself to be so but here you are in an equal urgency to submit. This means, you do have a desire to be calm and listen to God, to other people, to let life lead you on- The more you struggle, the greater this need will be-"

"But I don't feel anything-I always thought-"

"You don't have to feel- That was the dependency, don't you see? Whenever you submitted to your Mother, she loved you and made you feel safe- you have linked pleasure to submission- A link you must break-"

"Then Rhett was wrong!" said Scarlett, in irritation.

"I beg your pardon-"

"My husband- He gave me the idea that submission was a pleasurable feeling.. I used to feel so guilty... So, I have made this connection of submission to pleasure just as Mother thought she could relieve her sadness pleasurably in the arms of her cousin"

"Yes, that's right-"

"Then she was not an independent woman- She was not strong-"

"No."

A look of severe disappointment shadowed Scarlett's face. She felt completely let down. She wiped a few tears and said in a shaky voice, "So, why am I imagining all these things now, Father? Am I possessed?"

"No, of course not! Imagination is good. When you feel the emotions stirring, a little imagination can bring out the entire pain and help you form your own personal values- Morality comes from imagination and pain. You are maturing into a responsible woman- follow the trail of your thoughts...not in its entirety but just enough to make some sense to your past experiences. You seem to want to live a more meaningful life-"

Scarlett got up and nodded gratefully to the minister. She walked quickly out of the dim church and back to her Peach tree home.