Chapter 24: Granting Nobility to this Undeserving Scumbag!
Editing and supervision: LordVTP
Proofreading: Marv
Part 1
One morning, we received an unusual visitor…
"G… Greetings, Satou-sama. I've been sent here to deliver urgent news…"
...A certain busty onee-san type who normally had a haughty attitude towards me.
"Oh, we have a guest today? Here, have some tea."
"Thank you… Eh? Excuse me, but this is hot water…"
Is this goddess doing this on purpose or is she incapable of learning from mistakes?
"Claire-dono, what business do you have with us? Don't tell me you're going to start another civil war…"
"P… Please don't mention that travesty again! I was only doing my job, so…! Anyways, Satou-sama, your presence is required in the capital… Please come with me."
"I see. So the time has finally come. This is why the busty white suit-san is here, right? To come grovelling to the great me who was the hero of the civil war. The king did mention something about nobility that time…"
"White suit-san… Please don't call me that."
She didn't complain about the 'busty' part and even puffed her chest.
"Wait a moment… I heard something about 'nobility' in regards to Kazuma. Surely, that is a mistake..."
"I understand your worries, Dustiness-dono. However, I am only here under orders to bring you all to the capital."
"Kazuma, Kazuma. What's this white suit onee-san talking about? This conversation is quite exciting!"
The opportunistic Aqua looked to me with sparkly eyes.
"Well, after the battle in the Crimson Demon clan village, the king was talking about restructuring the council of elders and thought about us as candidates… This also involves giving us nobility, so…"
"Kazuma, Kazuma. I don't know exactly what's going on, but consider our pursuit of a peaceful daily life before making any hasty decisions..."
"Hah?! Is this really that excitable Megumin who shows off at any opportunity?! Listen, Kazuma, even though I am the goddess of water, Aqua-sama, the guys at the guild still don't respect me! To show those guys who they're really dealing with, I have to take this offer!"
They don't respect you because they only ever see you getting drunk in the middle of the day.
"These three receiving noble titles?! What is the king thinking?! Of course, as a daughter of Dustiness, I am loyal to my liege, but… Has he gone insane?! Aqua, are you sure you performed that resurrection ritual properly?!"
"What is Darkness saying?! Of course I did! I'm not like the Darkness who hasn't made any significant contribution in a while!"
"Why you…! I usually don't bring religion into our arguments, but as expected of an Axis-cultist! Don't try to undermine my contributions! As a Crusader who fights with Eris-sama's blessing, I give my all in every battle!"
"Gahh! This brute of a noble is relying on violence! Not the face, not the face…!"
Part 2
"Excuse me, sir. I'd like to purchase 5 tickets to the capital…"
At Axel's teleportation service, Claire purchased tickets for all of us.
She told us that all of our needs would be taken care of, so we packed light and left right away.
"That child called Rain would always pick us up and use her [Teleport] for travel. Why is this white suit onee-san who can't use any convenient magic the one escorting us? She's even wasting money when that Rain child could have easily..."
"I am indebted to the Arch-Priest-sama who saved my liege's life, but please don't test my patience! Rain currently has her own orders, so please forgive my 'inconvenient' self!"
We waited for a few minutes until the next trip to the capital. There were a few others who joined us in the circle.
"Uwaa! Isn't that the Kazuma-led party who accomplished a lot of feats?! W-We are big fans!"
These are some of the tourists who came from the capital to tour Axel.
One of the reasons Axel's tourism and economy had grown was due to the public interest in the party led by the great me.
"Oi, are you part of those meddlesome tourists who are always loitering outside our home?! Stop doing that! It's unpleasant!"
"Ah! That beautiful blue hair! It's the Arch-Priest, Aqua-sama, right?! Please, give me your autograph!"
"What delightful children! If it's just an autograph, why didn't you say so~! Here, since I'm in a good mood… [Nature's Beauty]!"
"A… Amazing…!"
She quickly changed her tune and even performed for the tourists.
"...Please stop moving around in the teleportation circle. We will begin the procedure now."
The four of us stiffened and stayed deathly still upon hearing the operator's words.
We had bad experiences with failed teleportation spells before.
…
…
"It's the capital again…! Well, to tell the truth, we've been here so many times already that the excitement is all gone."
"There's plenty of aspects about the capital to admire. If one is aware of the history of this place, the stories behind the architectural design, then…"
"Ah! That bar is having a mid-day sale!"
What kind of bar has a midday sale?
Are they specifically targeting alcoholics like Aqua?
"Please don't separate from the group! We need to report to the king!"
Claire chased after Aqua who ran away from Darkness's pretentious speech.
"Claire-dono is our escort but she's leaving us here… Well, it's not like we don't know our way. Shall we head to the castle?"
"Darkness is really quite diligent when it comes to noble matters, huh? Why don't we play around for a bit before we head off to such a serious meeting."
"I agree with Kazuma. Let's take this time to relax. That food stall over there looks interesting. I believe those are weedhoppers grilling over the fire. Shall we take a look?"
Megumin pulled my sleeve and led me to the stall.
"Geez… All of you need to take a summons more seriously…"
"Despite Darkness's griping, she's still following us obediently."
"That's because I'll feel left out if my friends are having fun on their own..."
"...Why is Darkness suddenly acting like Yunyun? This fake noble already has so many conflicting characteristics and now you're stealing traits from others?"
"I'm doing no such thing! What is Kazuma saying now?!"
Megumin bought three weedhopper skewers for the three of us.
"Aren't these things just grasshoppers? The smell is alright but I'm not sure about eating insects…"
"What's wrong with eating insects? I don't know what a grasshopper is, but weedhoppers were my primary source of protein during my childhood."
"Again, what the heck is a weedhopper?"
They looked like normal grasshoppers to me.
"A weedhopper is a weedhopper. They camouflage within the weeds and invasive vegetation that grow in people's backyards. The weedhoppers will lurk in those weeds and latch onto unsuspecting victims to draw blood. These things are among the most annoying pests so people take great pleasure in eating them. They don't taste particularly good, but the revenge tastes sweet."
"I wasn't interested in the first place, but that piece of trivia seals the deal. You can have my skewer, Megumin."
Smiling happily with sauce on her cheeks, Megumin took my skewer and took a big bite out of the weedhopper's head.
That would have been very cute if she had been eating anything else.
"There you all are! Why is everyone eating snacks when we are due for a meeting?! I finally got Arch-Priest-sama to come along after spending all my pocket change buying her beer… Please stop fooling around and come with me already!"
We were yelled at by Claire who dragged an intoxicated Aqua behind her.
Part 3
In the castle…
Like before, the maids dressed us in formal attire.
"Kazuma always looks like a waiter when he tries to dress up. He has a natural air of servility. Fufu! Unlike me who looks beautiful no matter what I wear…!"
This bitch…!
As we had visited the castle many times before, we didn't need a guide to lead us to the hall.
We strutted around as if we owned the place.
"Satou-sama, it's a pleasure to see you again…"
Greeting me with a stiff curtsy before we entered the hall was my cute little sister, Iris.
Behind Iris, standing way too close, was her siscon brother, Prince Jatis.
"Hm? Why is Iris talking to me so distantly? Didn't Iris use to call me 'onii-chan~' and often ended her sentences with 'tee-hee~!'?"
"Since when?! That's BS, onii-sama! You're trolling hard AF right now! Ah…"
She covered her mouth after that accidental outburst.
"How's it going, Iris? It's been a while. It's me, your Megumin nee-chan."
"Again, since when did I call you that?! Geez, my father is inside expecting you, please don't make him wait…"
She lowered her head and entered inside.
"What's with her foul mood? Could it be…? Come to think of it, Iris should be at an age when she gets moody at a certain time of the month…"
"Please stop teasing the princess! And as for Satou-sama's inquiry, yes, princess Iris has achieved that important milestone as a woman. We are all very proud of her. Her development in that area has been closely documented by myself and I will continue to monitor her for any further development…"
Claire provided a report of her stalker activities even when she wasn't asked.
"Ah, welcome! I'm glad you could make it! Please take a seat…"
The king greeted us warmly as we entered.
There was high-class food laid out over the table. We took our seats and immediately dug in.
"…Be my guest."
This late invitation was offered by the king.
"Royal food is really something else! Even though Kazuma has the cooking skill and uses expensive ingredients, he can't match this kind of flavor!"
"Don't compare an amateur like me to the chefs of the royal court. And now that I have a bunch of skill points, I can upgrade my cooking skill. I'll make Aqua regret those words when she tastes my superior cooking."
"Please don't spend your skill points on useless skills, Kazuma."
You really shouldn't be the one saying that, explosion girl with the screws loose.
Across from us, Iris ate her food quietly and without much vigor.
"The white suit lady told me that Iris is steadily maturing. It won't do if the growing Iris is picky with her food. Be careful or you'll end up malnourished and doomed to stay as a loli forever like a certain someone…"
"Who is this certain someone? Care to clarify?"
This certain someone glared balefully at me.
"…"
Iris didn't respond. She stood from her chair.
"…Father, may I be excused?"
The king considered Iris for a second and said,
"Fine. You may. I'll have the maids bring the food up to Iris's room."
Iris bowed and left the hall.
We looked at each other curiously.
"Oi, Kazuma. She's obviously in a bad mood because of you."
"I don't like how I'm always the first one accused of any wrongdoing. As you all could see, I didn't do anything this time that would warrant a tsun-tsun reaction from my cute little sister."
"You said 'this time', so there were other times, huh?"
Megumin looked down at her plate with a worried frown.
Her onee-chan instincts were activating.
"Father, I will go see what's bothering Iris."
"No, you siscon bastard. Stay here."
As if he knew what twisted thoughts Jatis had in mind, the king immediately shot him down.
"Ahem. If I may say something, I do remember a curious incident that happened the last time Satou-sama visited the castle…"
Standing behind her liege, Claire casually brought up this statement that was obviously a personal attack against me.
"Your majesty, before Claire-dono speaks, please allow me to apologize beforehand for whatever this depraved man may have done."
"Again, why doesn't anyone ever give me the benefit of the doubt?"
Claire coughed to get everyone's attention back. She's enjoying this too much.
"If I remember correctly, the last time Satou-sama was here, he had a private talk with Princess Iris in his room. I respected their privacy and only listened by pressing my ear on the wall from the next room, instead of pressing my ear directly outside their door..."
Why was she looking at me as if I should thank her for doing that?
"Ah, I also listened in from that same room. It was tempting to hop onto the veranda and peek in from the windows, but as a gentlemanly prince, I didn't do that and settled for listening."
"Don't listen in the first place!"
After I yelled at the perverted prince, white suit-san continued,
"I didn't hear much of what was said but at the end I heard Princess Iris crying. She then left the room in tears. I think she might have been greatly offended by what this man said and broke the door on her way out."
"Is that true, Claire? So that's what happened to that door... I'm sorry for wrongfully putting the blame on you."
"You liar! What's up with that outright lie?! This gorilla woman version 2 is the one who kicked down the door! Don't take advantage of the fact that people blame me for everything to absolve the blame from yourself!"
"Wait, if Claire-dono is version 2… Oi, Kazuma, why don't you tell me right now who gorilla woman version 1 is, huh?!"
"Yeah! Hit that no good HikiNEET, Gorilla woman version 1! Hit him on the face! Make that ugly smug of his even uglier! …Wait, why are you hitting me, too?! Not agaaaiiin!"
Part 4
Coffee was served after the entrée along with some pastries that resemble cream puffs.
They only resembled cream puffs as the cream puffs I remember didn't have the ability to hop around and try to escape as you're eating them.
"Muuu~ Muuu~ Muuuu~"
They will also make those pitiful sounds and quiver when you bring them closer to your mouth.
"I don't think I can eat these cute creatures. Megumin, you can have these."
"Is Kazuma really passing on the rare delicacy that is sugar fairy puffs? Then don't mind if I do. Nom~!"
That would have been very cute if she had been eating anything else.
And if these things are actual, living fairies, why the hell are you all happily eating them?!
"Now that everyone is satisfied, let's get back to business."
The king said with a serious expression on his face.
It didn't come across that way though since he had cream stuck on his beard.
"In regards to giving these three nobility… Please reconsider it! I heard that the king is currently restructuring the council of elders, but surely there are better candidates!"
"By the way, since Lalatina is already a noble, I'm thinking of giving the Dustiness family another district aside from Axel to govern…"
"That will be an honor upon House Dustiness. Thank you for considering us."
Darkness immediately lost all her resistance.
"Furthermore, Kazuma-chan, about that investigation on the council I mentioned before…"
He's still calling me Kazuma-chan for some reason.
"Rain and my other court wizards have been thoroughly investigating the matter. What this group of mages discovered in their research will SHOCK and SURPRISE you…"
"Why is your majesty talking like he writes clickbait advertisements for a living? And about that matter with the investigation, I could care less. So, as a noble, I can live as indulgently as I want and can even escape the influence of the law like that fat ass landlord Alderp did, right? I'm excited!"
"...Kazuma-chan shouldn't make such despicable declarations before I've even given him the title. I'm also cracking down on nobles who abuse their authority. Now that I don't have to lead the troops in the battlefields, I have complete dominion over the politics of this land…"
"Then what the hell is the point of this noble title?! Why should I accept it?! What other incentives is your majesty going to offer me that I don't already have? Is your majesty going to offer me money? Hah! No thank youuu~! I already have so much money that I sometimes wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night from all the pressure! This council position is not worth it! You're just trying to dump your work on me!"
"How dare you! Doesn't Satou-sama realize how tremendous of an honor it is to be selected for the council?! Even more than the heirs, if anything should happen to the king, the council is the stop-gap measure from the whole country collapsing! Consider what you're saying and please accept the offer!"
"As for incentives… Kazuma-chan mentioned this last time and got excited, so… If you accept the offer, I will assign you Claire and Lucie as stewards."
"Please reconsider and don't accept the offer!"
White suit-san went from passionately convincing me to accept the offer, to going on her knees and begging for me to reject it.
Oh?
My hidden desire of bossing around those two strong willed women who caused me a lot of trouble recently is actually being fulfilled?
"Where do I sign? As for my noble title, I don't mind the pretty ladies calling me 'Lord' but as for the men, I don't care what they call me. In fact, it's kind of creepy if they call me 'Lord', so that won't be necessary."
"Me too! I'm very interested! So, just making sure, if people don't call me 'Aqua-sama' or 'Lady Aqua', I get to behead them, right?"
"Instead of 'Lady Megumin', I'd like to be called [Great Demon King, Goddess of Destruction Megumin!]'. The exclamation marks must be included in every legal document."
"Ehehe… This is a momentous day for the Dustiness clan…"
"Wait, your majesty! I now understand what Dustiness-dono was saying before she succumbed to the temptation! This is clearly a bad idea!"
"Now, now. Nobility doesn't really give you that much power, so I don't think they can do anything too crazy. I mean, I'm a prince and I can't just do whatever I want with Iris-chan and get away with it. Haha."
"With all due respect, Prince Jatis, please shut up!"
We ignored the cries of white suit-san and eagerly signed the documents.
"Good! I can rest easy now that the heroes of the land have joined the council. Now, about to what I was saying about the investigation before… Um, are you listening?"
The king seemed to be saying something a bit important but we were all too busy celebrating our promotion to nobility.
Part 5
Until the day of the official ceremony for when we would be given nobility, we were asked to stay in the capital.
We didn't have any objections with that.
"Ahhh…! This is great! Even though we already have a bunch of luxuries at home, the life of a royal is something else! Maid-san, please pour me more wine."
Aqua didn't hesitate to abuse all the privileges available to her as a guest of the king himself.
"M… Milord. Here is the pea snacks you wanted to eat with your wine. Is there anything else I may fetch for you?"
Saying these subservient lines was my new slave… I mean, steward, Claire.
"Thank you, Claire. You're doing well as my steward so far. By the way, where is the other one?"
"…If milord is talking about Lucie when he mentioned 'the other one', she is on her way back from being interrogated by Rain and the other mages."
Since Lucie had a big involvement in the civil war and was even assigned by the council to assassinate certain targets, up until now she was being interrogated.
"Kazuma, I hope you don't go too far with your treatment with Claire-dono. If Kazuma needs an outlet for all his pent up aggression… My door is always open!"
"Please don't say such things when the lover of the man you are seducing is right beside you, Darkness."
Megumin said as she stared at Darkness blankly.
"I'm… I'm not seducing him! If Megumin is so jealous, then she can take on the role of being subjected to Kazuma's sadistic whims instead!"
"Oi! Who's a sadist?! If anyone here has sadistic whims it's that girl over there acting innocently even though she's a blueballing succubus in disguise!"
"It really seems like you two want to fight right now! That's what it seems like to me!"
"Oh, is it time to wrestle with the others already? Let me join in!"
Aqua joined our fierce stand-off as if fighting was a fun group activity we normally engaged in.
…
…
"That was a good chokehold Megumin got on me. It hurt a lot and managed to disable me until I could use [Shocking Grasp] on her."
"Thank you for those kind words. Kazuma was losing to a girl in physical ability and decided to rely on unfair methods to win. As expected of the one known as Scum-zuma."
"Ara… Megumin is too kind."
After our group brawl, Megumin and I decided to go on a date.
It was a chance to switch it up from our usual 'dating' routine of going on explosion picnics.
Even though we called it a 'date', aside from the inclusion of having a picnic afterwards, it was the same old explosion routine.
"I'm glad that we're having a date, but Darkness and Aqua seemed like they wanted to tag along. Spending time with my lover is satisfying on its own, but I also don't want to neglect our friends."
"Ah… Well, since we are in the capital I thought that we shouldn't waste our chance! We'll make it up to the other two later… Haha…"
This time I didn't bring the support group that always followed our dates from a distance.
If I didn't take the initiative to advance this relationship, it would surely stagnate like what happened in the past.
"Kazuma is being surprisingly romantic? How unexpected… But these surprises are what makes being with Kazuma so fun."
Megumin smiled wryly as she gave me a sideways glance.
It was only the start of the date, but there was already a good mood going on.
If I cultivated this good mood, by the end of the date maybe something will…?!
"Hm… Does Kazuma remember going to that clothes store back in Axel? I believe it was shortly after our encounter with the Devil King."
"Yeah, I remember. I got this enchanted robe and the [Boots of Speed] from that shop."
"And I got Kazuma that necklace he's wearing right now, remember?"
Ah, that's right.
I got used to wearing this necklace when I went out that sometimes its presence slipped from my mind.
"When I think about that time… I only invited Kazuma because I was really bored in that hotel while we waited for our mansion's repairs. Oh, and I also needed some new mage robes."
"I think Megumin also felt like she could finally splurge a little. We did accomplish an unthinkable feat, after all."
"That's true. You know, Kazuma, when I think about it, wasn't that little shopping trip of ours considered a date?"
Megumin got closer to me as she said those teasing words.
"It didn't really feel like it at the time…"
"For me… It felt like a date."
"E-Eh?"
Still looking at me wryly, her eyes started to sparkle.
"I said it before, right? I was already pretty interested in Kazuma back then. Midway through that shopping trip, when we went to that restaurant, I started thinking 'wait, isn't this a date?!' And then I started panicking and wolfed down the food to hide my embarrassment."
"No, with the food… I'm pretty sure that's what Megumin usually does anyways."
What's with this mood?
It felt exciting yet peaceful.
"Ah… This talk is making me feel a bit nostalgic. So… Kazuma… Would you like to…?"
Would I like to…?!
"Would Kazuma like to go on another shopping trip with me?"
Part 6
"Oho! As expected of the capital! Not only are these mage robes made with [Mystic Spider] web silk, there is even some [Magma Serpent] leather woven in?!"
"Yes, ojou-chan! To discern those materials from one look… As expected of the hero ojou-chan who famously wields explosion magic! For this celebrity who has graced my store, I will willingly give this ojou-chan a 10% discount!"
"Did you hear that, Kazuma?! A discount! We have to buy this now!"
Don't fall for this typical sales talk.
As I watched Megumin get talked into buying more and more products, I surveyed the merchandise myself.
With my surplus of skill points, most of them still unspent as I haven't decided what to spend them on, I felt that my current gear was a bit redundant.
For example, what was the point of having the [Boots of Speed] if I could just spend skill points on an advanced mobility technique?
And not to mention the enchanted robes I was wearing that reduced the chances of receiving a critical hit.
"Ah… Esteemed customer… I see that you are also interested in our goods? While my husband helps your pretty lady friend, I would be more than happy to assist you…"
That salesman's husband had a wife who was equally silver-tongued.
"This is the [Cloak of Evasiveness] which increases one's agility and odds to not get hit by any attack… Physical or magical. It is similar to the [Auto-dodge] skill that those of the Thief class use…"
"I'll just learn [Auto-dodge], then."
"This is the [Belt of Carrying], which increases one's ability to carry or lift loads like travel packs or even the armor one is wearing. It is similar to the [Increased Carrying] passive ability that those of the Crusader class use…"
"I'll just learn [Increased Carrying], then."
"T… This is an item that an individual of your stature won't be able to resist! The [Gloves of Absorption]! Normally only undead types like Liches and Vampires can use the infamous [Drain Touch] skill, but this item can replicate 10% of that's skill capabilities and…!"
"Ah… Well, I already have the [Drain Touch] skill."
"…"
I practiced some courtesy and continued to look around the store, feigning interest.
When I saw a particular item, however…
"…! Shop… Shopkeeper-san! How much for this item?!"
"Hm? The [Cape of Charming]? Well, since that doesn't really have any combat purposes, only pick-up artists are interested in this item. It's worth about 20,000 Eris."
"So cheap! For such an amazing item it's so cheap!"
"'Amazing item'… Um, could it be the esteemed customer is interested in an item like this?"
Oi, why is this old lady giving me a weird look?
An item which increases one's charm, especially to those of the opposite sex.
I… I didn't have anything weird in mind like trying to flirt with random girls with this item when I already had Megumin.
But, it's because I had the cautious Megumin as a lover who never lets the relationship progress that I needed such an item!
"If the esteemed customer is interested in these sort of items, there is also the [Boots of Smooth-talking] which increases one's ability to convince others to do things they wouldn't necessarily want to do by means of cunning speech..."
"The way the shopkeeper-san described this item… They aren't evil or anything, are they? Like, they wouldn't force someone to do things against their will?"
I wanted an advantage when it came to flirting with Megumin, but something like mind control is…
"I may have been too harsh. The effects aren't so effective that I'd consider it a complete brainwashing. These items will merely assist the user. In fact, I must admit that I may have automatically slipped into dramatic language since I am currently wearing those same [Boots of Smooth-talking] right now…"
When I looked at their feet, both the wife and husband were wearing these boots.
So that was why my date, who was normally a cheapskate, was now currently buying out almost all the magic related clothes in this shop.
"Thank you for your purchase! Please come again!"
Megumin and I went out carrying bags filled with our purchases.
"Hm… Those new boots Kazuma bought… They look like normal adventurer boots compared to his previous [Boots of Speed]."
That's because these [Boots of Speed] were made by a Japanese reincarnate who thought introducing N*ke sneakers from the other world into this one would be funny.
"With a long cape that will flutter in the wind and these normal looking adventurer boots, I will finally look like a real hero…"
"That imagery does indeed sound cool!"
I haven't even worn these items yet and Megumin already looks quite charmed?!
No, this was probably due to her chuuni.
…
…
Like the last shopping trip, Megumin and I had dinner at a restaurant before going home.
"Ah, that was fun wasn't it, Megumin? Say, Megumin wanted to see what I would look like wearing my new gear, right? Maybe Megumin wants to come to my room…?!"
"That's sounds fun Kazuma but… Uwaa, I had so much fun with Kazuma during the day that I'm feeling quite sleepy. We'll have even more fun tomorrow, alright, Kazuma? Goodnight…"
"…"
I realize now that it's not the anniversary of our first date.
It's the anniversary of our first blueballing.
Part 7
"Kazuma, how was the date with Megumin? It surprised me when you said that you didn't need the support group around. So, how did it go?!"
"Wait, Aqua, can't you tell that Kazuma has an awful face right now? Clearly something went wrong! Stop being inconsiderate and leave him alone already!"
My support group fussed over the details of my relationship like they always did.
Find a man already, you two.
In an attempt to be considerate, they let me be for the night.
As I was alone in my room, I heard a knock.
"Um… Milord. I'm sorry to interrupt, but I just wanted you to know that Lucie has arrived from the interrogation. Rain has determined that she's innocent and was only following her orders. Now that she's released, Lucie would like to apologize for what happened that time."
After knocking and waiting a few seconds to make sure I was decent, Claire came in and announced this to me.
"White suit-san, I am currently in a certain precarious state. If someone like you with the kind of body I like comes in acting so subservient while I am in this state, something dangerous might happen that we'll both regret. If you value your chastity, don't come any closer."
"Milord, please forgive me for my course language, but I don't know what the hell you're on about now. I'm coming in with Lucie."
I couldn't use direct language when describing the state I was in, and Claire didn't understand the severity of the situation at all.
If these two beautiful women who were ordered to obey all my commands came in here and called me 'milord, milord' over and over again in a meek way, the inner beast that desires to conquer residing within all men would surely come out.
I want to stay faithful, so don't come in while I'm in this sort of blueballed state right now.
"Milord, I'm here with Lucie. Please forgive her state of undress. She came straight from the interrogation so her clothes are loosened and are ripped in a sort of erotic way…"
What kind of 'interrogation' did you guys put her through?
"If it's like that then Lucie-san should just go home and rest before we do this. This kind of thing can wait until tomorrow."
At least wait until I take care of my 'son' before you pull this night-raid situation on me.
In fact, I had been in the middle of doing just that before these two barged in on me.
"Lucie wants to apologize as soon as possible. If she has to spend another night having to deal with the guilt, she said that she'd resort to using an honorable suicide technique she learned about from one of milord's countrymen…"
What are those guys teaching the inhabitants of this world?!
And as expected of a trained assassin, this girl was quite extreme…
"In that case, let her in…"
"Thank you my lord… Lucie, you may come in now."
Claire let in the king's personal assassin, Lucie.
A small girl who had short, green hair. If you didn't know she was a trained killer she looked a normal, cute girl.
I guess she's doable.
"Milord… Thank you for seeing me."
I wasn't used to seeing this girl talk a lot. It was a surprise to hear her talking right away.
"Like Claire-sama said, if I had to wait another night, I would have been overwhelmed by the guilt and would have resorted to an honorable suicide by myself. Now that milord has agreed to see me…"
Lucie took out a knife and planted it by my feet.
"…Please do the honors, milord."
"Um, could it be that this one is actually completely insane?"
Taking out a knife and saying 'please do the honors', how was I supposed to react?
"I… I'm sorry, milord! I didn't expect her to do that! Lucie, please put the knife away!"
"Even though I was just following orders, I should have known that there was something wrong with the council. Only a mindless fool would eagerly follow every order assigned to them."
"I'm also in the same boat, so please stop saying that! It hurts!"
Claire yelled in turmoil as Lucie unintentionally insulted her.
"Even if that's the case, nothing happened in the end. Enough of this already. Seriously, you're creeping me out."
"If I don't do anything to atone for this, I won't be able to live with myself. Please punish me properly, milord."
Don't tell me that another Darkness-type character appeared?
But she wasn't blushing or panting like Darkness usually was when saying a line like that.
If it was Darkness it would sound more like: 'If… If I don't do anything to atone for this… Huff, Huff… I won't be able to live with myself. P… Pweash pwunish me pwoperly, milord! Kuh…!'
Or something like that.
"It seems like milord has no intention of punishing me. Well, then…"
"Gah…! Don't do it! Life is precious, so don't do it! Milord, I beg of you, please stop this girl!"
"…!"
If I don't come up with something, this crazy girl will actually do it!
"V… Very well! You want a punishment?! Then I'll give you one! But be prepared! I won't go easy on you two! Even if you say a line like: 'I can't take this disgrace anymore, I'd rather die!', I won't stop, got it?! For troubling me in the middle of the night while I was dealing with a personal crisis, I'll let you two have a punishment that's worse than death!"
"Wait, why am I included, too?! I don't feel especially guilty… Well, I guess I do, but… Eh?! What's with that perverse gleam in milord's eyes?! Please… No… Noooo!"
Part 8
…The next morning.
"It's only been a few days and Kazuma-chan has already caused a controversy."
"…" x 3.
The three of us avoided the glare of the king.
On each side of me, Claire and Lucie were still wearing the outfits I had them wear last night.
The maid-sans we stole the outfits from were standing beside the king, also glaring at us.
"Considering Kazuma-chan's character, I guess I should have foreseen something like this happening. But, if you had kept this… 'Punishment play'... inside the castle walls, I'm sure the public wouldn't have caught wind of this incident. What I want to know is why the three of you thought it was a good idea to go out to the streets?"
"At one point we got thirsty and drank some alcohol upon milord's insistence. And it wasn't a 'Punishment play', your majesty… It was an honorable, um… Ugh…"
Claire stopped making excuses when she realized how stupid she sounded making them.
"So you got drunk and then decided to take your 'activities' out in the streets."
"I realize that having a future noble and his stewards going outside while drunk and wearing those kinds of outfits is a bit controversial, but… I don't think it was so bad, your majesty!"
"Maybe because you were all drunk that you didn't remember… But, well, maybe I should just show you. Some journalists captured these images with magic cameras last night…"
"…!"
The images taken from that night were indescribable.
I had mostly forgotten, but they came back to me upon seeing the pictures.
In particular, there was one unexpected person who was particularly wild…
Claire and I both looked at Lucie.
"I guess I don't deal well with alcohol. Sorry, it was my first time…"
Don't say that line while looking at me and blushing.
"It's too late to cover all this up. People are already rallying for me to rescind Kazuma-chan's nobility… However, there's still time before the ceremony. We'll try to amend the situation. But for now, you're all free to go."
"There's no punishment for us, your majesty?"
"Something tells me that you'd rather enjoy whatever punishment I give you, Claire."
"I… I'm not… Ughhh... Wahhhh~! Wahhhh~!"
Claire couldn't take being put in the same boat as Darkness and started crying.
"For this disgrace, there's no choice but for me to…"
"Lucie, I have a feeling it's your overzealousness that lead to this mess in the first place, so drop the knife already."
"Yes, your majesty."
She immediately complied.
Maybe I should have went to the king for help in the first place.
Come to think of it, I'm sure there was a better way to handle all that without letting my desires run free.
This is why you don't tempt a man past a point he's willing to put up with, Megumin!
"Now, as for Kazuma-chan, your party members are waiting to talk with you."
"…"
Here comes the worst part of this whole incident.
"Kazuuuumaaaa…! I'm going to [God Blow] the crap out of you!"
From behind me I heard Aqua cracking her knuckles.
"Kazuma… How could you… To have a night of S&M debauchery like that complete with exhibition play, dog and master play, and even ****** and **** and ******** without me is…! I-I mean, you should be ashamed of yourself! I'm disappointed in you!"
You sound more jealous than disappointed, though.
And finally…
"Kazuma… You committed adultery right after that date, huh?"
"Whose fault does Megumin think it is?! Setting up that romantic atmosphere and saying those sweet, tempting words only for the evening to end with you going to bed early?! Not even a kiss or hug or any bittersweet, youthful moments for me?! What did Megumin expect was going to happen?! You're lucky I didn't sneak into your room with [Lurk] and spend the evening staring at your sleeping face!"
"Creepy! And how could Kazuma say that when he's in so much trouble right now! You're really in for it, mister!"
What was I doing running my mouth when I was in so much shit?
In the face of these three who were out for my blood…
I might as well commit an honorable suicide.
Chapter 24 END
Next Chapter: An Escort Mission for this PMSing Princess!