Chapter 25: An Escort Mission for this PMSing Princess!
Editing and supervision: LordVTP
Proofreading: Marv
Part 1
The incident I was involved in with Claire and Lucie was the talk of the town for the next few days.
I was reminded of that time Darkness and I were involved in an 'exhibitionism' scandal.
Already, the people were discrediting me for this most recent controversy.
"This development isn't anything new. Kazuma does something incredibly inappropriate and receives public backlash. I may forgive easily, but that's not the case with the public. That said, please don't think you can get away with actual adultery, Kazuma. Even if you're the man I love, I won't be lenient if that happens."
Megumin had this to say as I scowled at the contents of the morning paper.
We were having breakfast served by the maids. As always, the food made by top chefs was of excellent quality.
"I'm glad Megumin forgives me, but let's not forget why I was pushed to such a desperate situation in the first place. If Megumin keeps leading me on only to leave me high and dry, a healthy man such as myself with a strong, functioning sex drive will of course be forced to seek the company of other women. I hate this part of myself but this is the reality of being a man."
"If that's really the case, then all men are scum. Obviously, that can't be true. There are many upright and righteous men in the world. It's only Kazuma who is a scum."
"Does Megumin love me or not?! Sometimes I have a hard time seeing it!"
I yelled in frustration at the Megumin whose tsun tendencies were getting out of hand.
"I had a hard time believing that something was really going on between Megumin and Kazuma. After all, all they do is bicker and fight. I've never seen them act as lovers. Listen, you two. Rather than going on with this charade, it's best to admit that you made a mistake. If you two break things off cleanly now, you can go back to how you were before."
"Unfortunately I can't do that, Aqua. Maybe there's something wrong with me, but I love this worthless guy too much. I guess it runs in the family."
"I understand insulting me, but leave the father who worked hard to raise Megumin out of this."
I rebuked Megumin as she didn't even hesitate to label her own father as 'worthless'.
"It's a sign that those two are getting along if they are fighting, Aqua. It sounds dysfunctional, but it's true. That same sentiment applies to our party as a whole. In order to keep getting along, let's continue to abuse each other, everyone."
"Darkness almost sounded reasonable until the end there."
At this time, a maid-san came over. She bowed and said,
"Everyone, please be reminded that you have an appointment with the king. You are scheduled to meet him soon…"
"Oh, really? In that case, hurry up with our second serving before we're forced to meet with the old man."
"R-Right…"
The clueless Aqua couldn't sense that the maid-san was politely telling us to hurry up and get going.
Part 2
We stood before the king in his throne room.
We often met with him in a banquet hall and sometimes the strategy room.
Facing him now as he wore his royal attire, and as he sat on a majestic throne, he looked a little bit intimidating.
"Kazuma-chan and everyone~! How was your meal~! My chefs are really good, riiight~?"
He just had to open his mouth and break the image.
I wondered where exactly this troublesome personality of his came from.
I heard that the king was the playful type back when Lady Belzerg was still alive, but this was a bit too much.
"Your majesty. As always, it's an honor to be in your presence. How should we, your chosen counsel, be of assistance?"
Darkness went on one knee and spoke these lines belonging to an ass kisser.
"I didn't think I'd need your services so soon, but something unexpected came up. First of all, does everyone know of the country of Elroad?"
The country of Elroad…
A rich country known for its finances.
If the country of Belzerg was renowned for its military might and legendary adventurers, Elroad was famed for its economy.
Kazu-mall has recently branched out to Elroad. My business partner, Maxim, sought to infiltrate… I mean, integrate, into this country known for its riches.
"I know about Elroad, your majesty. Aside from their strong economy, they are known for having the world's best casinos. These casinos are a major part of Elroad's culture and industry. As such, the enforcement in these casinos is rather severe. If one accrues too much debt and couldn't find a way to pay it back in time, loan sharks will ceaselessly harass the debtors in all sorts of inventive ways. Truly, what a fascinating country…"
As expected of Darkness, she knew all sorts of disturbing trivia.
"Wait, I see what's happening here! Gah, I don't want to, old man! I don't want to go on another long, tiring trip on some troublesome adventure! I just want to enjoy an uneventful and luxurious lifestyle!"
I often faulted Aqua for failing to recognize patterns and tendencies, but she did a good job predicting what the king was going to ask of us next.
"You are all nobles of this land now, and thus you have responsibilities. If you didn't want to be of service to this land, then why did you accept my offer of nobility? Don't tell me you just wanted to abuse your power, or you thought having a noble title sounded cool?"
"Urk!" x 2.
Both Aqua and Megumin flinched.
This king seemed to enjoy teasing those two and didn't try to hide it.
"Kazuma-chan has been awfully quiet. I thought you'd also be complaining right now. Or perhaps you're already desperately thinking of a way to avoid having to do this quest for me?"
"Urk!"
This time it was my turn to flinch.
"It won't be a hard quest at all, don't worry! A party of this calibre who fought powerful enemies and even mitigated a civil war should have no problems with such an easy task! And besides, if Kazuma-chan succeeds, maybe the public would sing a different tune once word of his political achievements get out?"
"Does the king think I'm really that easily influenced? Why would I care what a bunch of nobody peasants think about me?"
"I heard that the 'Satou Kazuma fan-club' is having some problems right now. With your recent scandal, there is a divide forming between the club members. Their dedication to you is being tested…"
"…There's a 'Satou Kazuma fan-club'?"
"Too easy! Oi, Kazuma, you already have me, so why does the concept of a fan-club appeal to you so much?!"
Megumin grabbed onto my collar and started pulling.
"Megumin is right. I already have a girlfriend who could be considered a doll-like beauty if she just stands there and shuts up. Furthermore, she still has a year or so left of growth before it's hopeless to expect any further physical development. I won't give up. Besides, for all I know this fan-club could be full of guys, like those delinquents who adore me back in Axel..."
"Here is a picture of Kazuma-chan's fan-club wearing their customized 'I wuv Kazuma-kyun' shirts."
"Perhaps I should schedule a meet and greet? I haven't had any opportunities to sign any signatures, but for the sake of my fans, maybe I should start practicing?"
"I already told Kazuma that I won't forgive any kind of adultery!"
I ignored Megumin as she pulled on my collar even harder.
I couldn't help but get a bit excited as the king showed me a photo of these big-breasted beauties.
"Your majesty, back to the topic of Elroad… What does your majesty need us to do there? Ah, I know! Your majesty needs me to go undercover and investigate the seedy, underground scene of those famous casinos?! Taking on a separate identity as a woman of the night, seducing evil loan sharks who are aroused by my body but treat the rest of me like trash… I will gladly act the role of the honeypot!"
Darkness's imagination was on overdrive today.
"…It's nothing that complicated. And also, please stop assuming that the country of Elroad is as corrupt as Lalatina imagines. They are our allies after all. Please don't badmouth them so much."
The king's rebuke didn't stop Lewdtina from having a faraway gaze as she imagined all sorts of depraved scenarios.
"What I need you all to do is come to the country of Elroad for negotiations. As I mentioned, we are currently allies with Elroad. For the longest time now, our partnership with Elroad was firmly established. The rich Elroad provides us with funding and profitable trade agreements, while Belzerg lends them military might and protection from the Devil King army. As you can imagine, now that the Devil King army has been all but wiped out, and with the war over, that deal needs a few adjustments…"
The king put it lightly.
If all Belzerg could offer was military might, there was no longer any use for a partnership now that the threat of the Devil King army was no more.
The king wanted us to negotiate with Elroad, but it was clear that we weren't in any position to make any demands.
"This is obviously a delicate and complicated political situation. Why is the king sending us as envoys instead of sending Prince Jatis… I mean, Claire… The king should come himself."
Not for the first time, I wondered if this country was really going to be OK with those two having positions of power.
"I realized that the country can only function if I am here to keep a constant vigil. The last time I took a little break, a civil war almost erupted. Now that I have a new Council of Elders, I realize that I can leave things in your hands for a bit, but you are all still very inexperienced. While the mission I'm sending you off to is no small feat, it still doesn't compare to running an entire country. In that regard, I hope this mission will give you all valuable political experience… Are you with me here, Aqua-chan?"
"Wah? Sorry, I spaced out."
The king stared at Aqua blankly.
I imagine he was thinking if he really did make the right choice giving her a noble title.
Also, the king assured us earlier that this was an 'easy task' but now he's saying it's 'no small feat'.
"So, there you have it. Ah, I almost forgot. There's one other thing. Iris-chan will be coming with you."
"Hm? Iris? What, is she going on a field trip, or something?"
"Kazuma-chan does realize that Iris-chan is the princess of this country, right? She will help you with negotiations. Oh, and I figure it's about time she met her fiancé. I wonder how much that Revi-kun has grown since the last time…"
"...Eh?"
Part 3
After the meeting with the king, I met with Iris after she finished her history lesson.
We were walking around the castle's garden as Iris went on her break.
Iris was enjoying the fragrance of a yellow, bulbous flower when I finally asked her about the engagement.
"Iris, is it true? Is it true that you're engaged?!"
"…Did onii-sama not know? Is it really so unusual for a princess of a nation to have an arranged marriage with another nation's royalty?"
"I suppose it's not unusual, but there was the whole thing about the 'Hero who defeats the Devil King will marry the princess'. There was even that hellish tournament where I had to fight your siscon brother."
"That's an exception, a very rare and special exception. If onii-sama had actually wanted to marry me, my engagement with Prince Revi of Elroad would have been nullified without any diplomatic consequences."
"Just like that… The customs of nobility really don't follow common sense."
"What is onii-sama so worked up about? You… You already have Megumin-san."
"Iris is still my cute little sister. If she's forced to marry some royal brat she doesn't even love, of course I'll have to do something."
"Onii-sama's mission is to develop a good relation with Prince Revi and to negotiate a new deal that will benefit both sides. Please realize that my arranged marriage is the most powerful asset we have to ensure this happens."
"Is it just me or is Iris talking kind of coldly right now? Don't tell me… You're still PMSing?"
"I'm not on my period! Geez, stop with the sexual harassment already, onii-sama!"
Iris groaned in frustration as she ran away from me, presumably heading back to the castle for her next lesson.
"Sigh… That Iris-chan is quite a handful, isn't she? We older brothers sure have it tough."
Coming out of nowhere, Prince Jatis placed an arm around me and said this.
"…"
"Ara? You suddenly went tense, Kazuma-kun. Unfortunately I can't come with you all to the trip to Elroad. Something about me being a 'political disaster waiting to happen'. Since I can't come, I will leave Iris-chan in Kazuma-kun's capable hands."
"Please don't take this the wrong way, but since when did Prince Jatis and I get so close? You may be a prince and all, but please don't think you can abuse your power to get all handsy-feely with me…"
"Starting off with saying 'please don't take this the wrong way', and yet Kazuma-kun still goes ahead and says something insulting… A-Anyways, I figured that Kazuma-kun and I have lots of things in common, so why can't we be friends? H-Hey? Why did Kazuma-kun look disgusted when I only said 'we have a lot of things in common'?! Please don't run away from me…!"
I ditched this clingy prince and prepared myself for the trip.
Part 4
"Whoa! For some reason, doesn't Kazuma seem really cool right now?!"
"Yes, there is an air of dignity about him… This is strange…"
"Eh? What are you two talking about? He's just as creepy looking as always."
For the trip, I wore my newly purchased gear. The [Cape of Charming] and the [Boots of Smooth-talking].
But for some reason, my new gear didn't have an effect on Aqua.
Not that I wanted it to affect her.
"Eh? What's with this awesome gear Iris is wearing? And that sword is…!"
"This is the armor and weapon handed down to descendants of the Belzerg line… Um, Megumin-san, I know you think it looks cool, but please stop staring so much…"
Megumin seemed to have been quite fascinated by Iris's gear.
To the king who was seeing us off, I said,
"Shouldn't my stewards, Claire and Lucie, come along with me?"
"After that incident, I'm going to separate you three from each other from now on. I didn't expect such an unassuming combination to cause such a disaster. That was my fault. I underestimated Kazuma-chan's abilities to corrupt others."
"I don't know about Lucie, but Claire was already plenty corrupt to begin with."
The king was seeing us off as we loaded the royal carriage with our gear.
The royal carriage was extravagant in design. It was pulled along by large white horses with silver manes.
Since the existence of this meeting between the Prince of Elroad and the Princess of Belzerg was already released as public knowledge, the king didn't bother with secrecy and went all out with the presentation.
I thought that a meeting of such importance would be kept under wraps, but that was apparently not the case.
"Since we are not using the high-speed, Lizard Runner pulled carriage, this trip might take a bit longer than a week. As I have been trained in horse riding, I will be the one to drive this carriage…"
"Eh? Darkness will be the driver? I don't have a good feeling about this. I know that she'll try to drive us into an encampment of bandits or try to trespass into the breeding grounds of monsters in heat, and other such dangerous locations!"
"What is Aqua trying to say about me?! I put my noble duties first above all! There's no way I'll involve Princess Iris in such dangerous scenarios!"
"So Darkness is saying that she'd be fine dragging us into such perils if Iris wasn't coming along..."
"T-That's not true, Kazuma."
After we loaded the carriage, Claire, who had been silently watching us behind the king, couldn't take it anymore and embraced Iris.
"Wahh! Please stay safe out there, Princess! I will pray to Eris-sama for your safety! And if that man tries to do weird things to Princess Iris, please don't hesitate to give his beloved son a trim with the family sword!"
"I appreciate Claire's concern, but don't say those crude things in front of my father. Look, he's glaring at you."
Darkness took the driver's seat, and Aqua called dibs to sit beside her.
Like a little kid, Aqua was excited to see the scenery from the driver's seat.
The rest of us sat inside the carriage. The luxurious leather sets were comfortable enough to sleep in.
I sat on a large, throne-like seat that was likely reserved for the king's use.
"Oh, this seat can recline!"
I was curious about a button and pressed it. The seat reclined back and a footrest came out from the bottom, kicking my legs out.
"As expected of Kazuma. He immediately took the best seat for himself."
Megumin said as I looked for more convenient features this seat had to offer.
"Don't worry. The three of us can share. The two of you can sit on my lap."
"Megumin-san, let's sit near the window. We can enjoy the sights this way."
"Good idea, Iris! I'm excited for this trip!"
Why are they getting so excited?
If I could help it, I wouldn't go on such a long trip in a carriage.
What a pain in the ass.
There weren't any means for teleporting from Belzerg to Elroad.
To eliminate potential smuggling operations from corrupt teleportation services, any means of teleportation between two foreign countries were either outright banned, or strictly moderated.
In terms of defence purposes, it was also a bad idea to give another nation the right to freely teleport within your own borders.
And thus, even if we were sent as envoys, we had to go through Elroad's borders using non-magical means like everyone else.
"Hiyah!"
Darkness pulled on the reigns. With a collective whiny, the horses started their steady march.
"It's starting…!"
Iris was in a bad mood ever since we arrived at the castle, but now she's excitedly peering out the window with Megumin.
After fiddling around with some of the other buttons I found on my seat, I managed to find a hidden compartment.
Within it, chilled by freezing magic, was a bottle of expensive wine.
Careful to not let Aqua see me, as she'd demand to stop the carriage and have the wine for herself, I discreetly poured myself a glass.
There was also a compartment filled with snacks to accompany the wine.
"Ah… How luxurious. Maybe this trip won't be so bad after all."
"Despite all of Kazuma's complaints, he's easy to please… Ah, look, the adoring masses are looking at us."
As we entered the streets of the capital, people recognized the royal carriage and cheered us on.
Iris and Megumin waved to the people outside the window.
I was about to do the same thing, but when I stood up, Megumin said,
"Maybe Kazuma shouldn't show his face so soon. They might riot after seeing the lusty Scum-zuma who is in the middle of a controversy right now."
"Why is Megumin making it seem like everyone hates me? The king said it himself. I am a popular man who even has busty ladies pining for him in his fan-club."
"Kazuma says that, but there are several people holding up signs that say: 'Please don't give Scum-zuma a noble title'."
"…"
I wasn't agreeing with Megumin or anything, but I sat down again and sipped on my wine.
"It's too much trouble to entertain the masses, anyways. It's a shame, but they won't be able to witness the presence of the great me..."
"Kazuma likes to point out Aqua's deficiencies all the time, but there are lots of parallels between you two at times."
"Megumin, there are certain things that I can't forgive. Don't ever say that about me ever again."
"K-Kazuma looks like he's serious. It seems that I've said something incredibly offensive. Forgive me."
Soon, we made it out of the capital's walls.
Once the crowd thinned out, Darkness had the horses go on a full-sprint.
"Oi, slow down, Darkness! You're making the carriage bump around too much! The wine is spilling!"
"I'm sorry, Kazuma! We're using the traditional royal carriage that doesn't have the convenient floating properties of the high-speed carriage, so there will be some bumps if we go at full-speed!"
"Aieee! Why do we even need to go full speed in the first place?! Kyaaa! I beg you, Darkness, please slow down! Wait a second, did Kazuma say 'wine'?"
Part 5
There was a magic barrier erected around the carriage that repelled any monsters from attacking us.
However, we couldn't do anything if those monsters had already barricaded the road ahead before we arrived.
"Geez, what a pain! Does this happen every time? What do the merchants do if their caravan is blocked by dumbass monsters like this, anyways?"
"They ask the adventurers they hired to take care of the monsters. That means it's our cue to fight! Now, stop whining and prepare to fight, Aqua!"
Darkness parked the carriage and dragged Aqua down with her to face the monsters.
"Kazuma, Kazuma. It's our time to shine. I feel like there hasn't been much action lately, so we should put on a good show now that we have a chance."
"Megumin says that but this battle will be over with quickly, won't it? All we need to do is have Megumin cast explosion and blow all those idling monsters up. Then Megumin will level up and we'll try and make Megumin spend her points on something other than explosion, but Megumin will still spend her points on the explosion tree in the end. That's the usual routine, isn't it?"
"What's wrong with that?! Even if that's always what ends up happening, I have no complaints! Now, let's go! Everyone shall witness my mastery of explosion!"
Iris glanced between Megumin and I.
"If Onii-sama desires to see something different, then I will take center-stage this time!"
Iris regarded me with something other than a sulking attitude this time.
With a renewed excitement, Iris drew the expensive looking sword sheathed by her thigh and headed out of the carriage.
"I know that Princess Iris can fight from watching that tournament, but based on the skill-set I saw from her, I don't think she'd have enough firepower to…"
"[EX… TERION]!"
"…!"
As Megumin and I stepped out of the carriage, we saw Iris lift her sword over her head.
As she brought her sword down, a flash of light emerged from the swing, shooting forwards to the resting monsters blocking the road.
"...Ugooohhh!"
Those tough looking monsters were easily slain.
I heard that nobles were born with amazing powers handed down to them from their ancestors.
Those ancestors being the legendary heroes of each era who were married into the royal family to keep the line strong.
I was almost one of those appointed heroes, but I doubt that I could have contributed any useful talents or abilities to the royal gene pool.
"I did it! Did you see that, onii-sama?! I was amazing, wasn't I?!"
Seeing this chance to repair the awkwardness between Iris and I recently, I was about to spoil her as an older brother should.
"Good job, Iri…"
"[Explosion]!"
"…!"
Megumin used her speed-chanting and immediately casted an explosion to a flock of winged monsters, who were flying high above us.
"Did you see that distance and explosive power?! And how I controlled the power output so we wouldn't get harmed?! That attack of Iris's is not bad, so I will ignore how it shares a lot of similarities to my beloved explosion, even down to the 'Ex-' at the front. Now, Kazuma, please tell me what score you'll give me for that explosion!"
"Let's see, considering the distance and the… Wait, that's not the point! Oi, couldn't you see that the meek and un-willful Iris wanted to show off a little?! Couldn't Megumin share the spotlight with someone else just this time?! Don't worry about that, Iris! Next time we find a monster you will… Ah, she went back already."
Iris returned to the carriage and started sulking again.
"Um, the road is clear now, but what are we going to do about the corpses of the monsters? They are still blocking the way..."
"That's the job of the brute who is only good for her big muscles… Of course I am talking about Darkness. We will stay inside the carriage while Darkness takes care of the grunt work. It's about time you contributed."
"Hah?! What did Kazuma say?! Hey, all of you, why are you going back inside?! Are you really going to make me do all this work alone?!"
As we headed back inside the carriage, I felt my [Enemy Detection] skill go off for a second.
When I looked around with [Farsight], I couldn't detect anyone. Thinking that a frightened monster was just warily observing us from somewhere, I shrugged and went inside.
Part 6
When night came, Darkness parked by the side of the road.
"There's still some light out, and there's a caravan resting point up ahead. Is Darkness sure that we should stop here?"
I said to Darkness as she stroked the horses' manes and fed them carrots.
"It is true that there is a small cave where travelling merchants rest for the night just ahead. However, as it is a well-known resting point, the chances for a bandit attack will be quite high. If Kazuma is worried about having shelter, we have this."
Darkness took out a cube-like item from her pocket.
She threw it on the ground, and to my shock, a small mansion materialized in front of me.
"With this, we won't have to worry about shelter. There is also working plumbing and an abundant food supply."
"Darkness was just talking about avoiding bandit attacks earlier, but won't this flashy mansion attract even more bandit attacks than if we camped out at the caravan resting point? Or is getting attacked by bandits a part of Darkness's plan?"
"Take that back! The mansion comes with a barrier that will alert us if any bandits try to ambush us, and it also has the property to diverting monsters like the carriage. This should be safer than the caravan resting point. If Kazuma wants to camp out in a cave so much, then please go ahead!"
Darkness huffed then stormed off into the mansion. The others had already entered.
I followed them inside. Even though this mansion was meant for travel, the interior was glamorous, fit to house the members of the royal family.
"Look, Kazuma. There's a kitchen equipped with stoves and a refrigerator. The pantry is also well-stocked with high-quality, fresh ingredients. I was thinking that I would have to hunt some game but this also works out well."
"Don't tell me that Megumin was planning to feed the Princess of this nation with whatever vermin she managed to hunt along these empty roads?"
"That sounds exciting! Very adventure-like! Megumin-san, let's go out right now and hunt for these vermin!"
Darkness took Iris to the living room before she got any weird ideas.
"That said, who's going to handle the cooking?"
Megumin said, looking a bit disappointed that she couldn't show off her hunting skills.
"I'll do it. I've been meaning to try out my upgraded cooking skill anyway. I learned a lot from watching the cooks at the castle work."
"Oh, that's right. The petty Kazuma couldn't take the hit on his pride when Aqua said that the food at the castle was infinitely better than anything Kazuma has made."
"I don't remember the 'infinitely' being added in there."
I headed to the kitchen with Megumin following. I grabbed an apron that was hanging on a hook, Megumin did as well.
"Will Megumin assist me, or does she want to witness the culinary miracle that I will soon produce?"
"I'm only curious about the [Advanced Cooking] skill Kazuma was bragging about earlier. From what I heard, any skill in the 'advanced' category demands a high amount of skill points to unlock."
"With the way Megumin is looking at me, you're surely thinking: 'This guy wasted skill points on a random skill just because he can', right? Once Megumin sees what I've learned, you will regret thinking that about me. Well, I say that, but this is my first time trying out the skill, so…"
"Wait, if we're following the trend of skills named 'advanced', isn't this [Advanced Cooking] going to be quite destructive? Oi, Kazuma, watch where you're pointing that knife or I might have to wear this eyepatch by necessity rather than a fashion statement."
I stopped twirling the knife around my fingers upon Megumin's insistence.
I went to the fridge and had a look at the high-quality ingredients stored in there.
With my new skill, I could easily discern the quality of these ingredients, along with the knowledge of how to best make use of them.
"Alright, let's do this! I'm getting pumped! First let's start with the cabbages… Ah?!"
As soon as I took out the cabbage, it flew from my hands and headed straight out of an open window.
"Is Kazuma sure he really unlocked this so-called [Advanced Cooking] skill? To take out the cabbage from the fridge without even securing it first, what a novice display."
Megumin was a bully by nature.
I almost forgot about the nonsensical nature of the vegetables in this world.
This time, when I opened the fridge, I practiced more caution.
I grabbed a cabbage and wrapped my arms around it.
"I got it. Megumin, get the chopping board and… Eh?!"
The cabbage managed to overpower me. It escaped through the open window again.
I closed the window this time.
Megumin was laughing to tears at seeing me fail after getting all pumped up.
"What's with the survival instincts and combat power of these vegetables? Isn't this too much?"
"These are ingredients that were handpicked to be eaten by royalty. Of course they will put up more of a fight than ordinary vegetables, who will only struggle for a little bit before getting captured and cooked."
"Megumin says 'ordinary', but no matter how you look at it, any vegetable that can move and avoid capture is anything but."
Megumin tilted her head in confusion at my words.
I didn't expect someone who grew up in this strange world to understand.
I took out another cabbage.
"Kazuma normally gives up so easily but he's unusually determined right now. Please save this kind of motivation for matters that count."
"Even I have my pride. I won't allow a bunch of vegetables to show me up."
I held the kitchen knife this time as I opened the fridge.
As expected, the cabbage made a beeline out of there.
"Hiyah!"
My arm lashed out, cutting the cabbage in half.
But I didn't stop there…
"Take this, and this, and this!"
"W-What?! This speed is…!"
My [Advanced Cooking] skill activated on its own.
I didn't know it had this kind of application until my reflexes took over and the skill activated.
With a blur of speed, my knife made short work of the vegetable, shredding it into pieces.
As it fell down to the ground, my other hand reached out to a bowl and caught the falling pieces.
The cabbage was immaculately cut, even if I did the chopping in mid-air.
"W-Who knew the [Advanced Cooking] skill could be used like that. As expected of Kazuma, to find unexpectedly useful effects in worthless skills…"
"Megumin, I want to try something out. Please get that sword with the weird name for me."
"I'm the one who named that sword, so please don't call it weird in my face."
Megumin fetched my sword. I instructed her to open the fridge on my command as I unsheathed Chunchunmaru.
"Megumin, do it!"
"Roger!"
As soon as Megumin opened the door wide, all the cabbages came flying out.
"Advanced Cooking Skill, Certain Kill Technique #1: Dicing Cut!"
"Kyaa~! Impressive, Kazuma! You look so cool right now!"
The rest of the cabbages were cut into perfect bite-sized pieces.
I sheathed my partner.
"Good for you, Kazuma! So cool! But, what are you going to do with all the cabbage that fell on the ground?"
I kitchen floor was now filled with shredded cabbage pieces.
Part 7
With the cooking skill, I was able to make a high-class meal in short time.
Megumin helped me set the table and lay the dishes out.
"These dishes are exactly like the meals served in the castle! Impressive, Kazuma! I thought that we'd have to make do with dishes like tuna mayo rice since we are camping out, but this is amazing!"
Aqua praised me in between mouthfuls of food.
"This mild vinaigrette works well with the natural acidity of the cabbage, while the crunchy carrots and turnip are perfect complements. These creamy mashed yams with diced red onions inside also go well with the butter basted devil cow sirloin steak… Kazuma has perfectly imitated the top-class chefs!"
Darkness was eating her food with more manners than Aqua, but she also couldn't resist talking even as she chewed her food.
"Food is food. As long as it fills your stomach, I don't care what it is. But this is indeed very good, Kazuma."
This was the same girl who was planning to catch vermin earlier, so I wasn't surprised by those words.
I turned to Iris to see her reaction. She was quietly eating her food.
"How do you like the food, Iris?"
"It's very good, onii-sama. Like the others said, it is exactly like the food at the castle. Um, please don't take offense to this, but I was expecting to eat something more adventure-like. I'm used to eating this kind of food every day, so…"
"What is this princess saying?! This spoiled princess is used to eating delicacies every day like cream puff fairy, but saying that high-class food like this gets tiring is impossible, isn't it?! I can eat this kind of food every day and not get tired of it!"
To Aqua who was incredulous at Iris's words, Iris lowered her head and said,
"It's not that! Um, it's just that I always wanted to rough it out in the wilds, hunt and catch my own game… At the very least, I'd like to try some of the foods that onii-sama talked about in his stories about his country. Didn't Aqua-san say something about tuna mayo rice? I'm very curious about that!"
"No. I refuse. There's no way the princess of this country can eat something like tuna mayo rice. Now that I am a noble and a part of the council, I have to be more responsible towards Iris."
"To be honest, before all this noble business… I liked the onii-sama from back then, much more than I do now..."
I didn't expect Iris to show me such a sad smile.
Aqua didn't read the mood as usual.
"If the princess doesn't like her food, then I will finish the rest for you! Ouch!"
"Oi, don't steal food from children."
I gave Aqua a chop on the head as she tried to take Iris's plate.
"Princess Iris, I understand that you're curious about the lifestyle of adventurers, but Kazuma is right. It would be incredibly inappropriate to have someone of Princess Iris's stature to eat the food of the commoners."
"If it's 'high-class food' that Darkness and Kazuma want, I know this excellent recipe for lobsters. I can even catch these lobsters myself..."
"Is that true, Megumin-san?!"
"If it's lobsters, then it should be fine.
These 'lobsters' Megumin was referring to were probably some other form of sea cretin, and considering the background she came from...
"There will be none of that! Anyways, I need to practice my cooking skill, so I will take care of the kitchen duties from now on!"
"I approve, Kazuma! Take care of all the chores and everything else, too! As a goddess and now, a noble of this land, I should be living in luxury and comfort every day! For tomorrow's meal, I'd like to make a request…"
"Aqua, wash the dishes. You will also be in charge of cleaning the cabbages littered all over the kitchen floor."
"Eh?! Didn't Kazuma hear what I said?! I'm a goddess! You can't…!"
Just as Aqua was whining, a shudder went through my spine.
The feeling was slight, but my [Enemy Detection] was definitely warning me.
The others sensed my tensed mood and warily looked around.
Since the barrier's alarm didn't activate, this could be...
In a whisper, I said,
"I'll go check on it. The rest of you prepare your gear."
They nodded as I grabbed chunchunmaru, which I had left in the kitchen.
I crept my way to the entrance of the mansion. Casting [Lurk] on myself, I opened the door slightly.
I activated [Farsight] for night vision, but I couldn't see anything.
But, my [Enemy Detection] was still active, and it was intensifying as I drew closer outside.
Taking the risk, I opened the door and stepped out, staying close to the shadows.
"[Bind]"
Before I could react, someone emerged from the shadows and threw a rope at me.
I was familiar with the skill, but I couldn't dodge in time.
"Guh!"
I fell to the ground, with the rope binding my torso and legs.
With my mouth still free, I yelled to the others in warning…!
"We got intruders! Hurry up and beat these guys up!"
I had no right to say this, but I'll make those sneaky bastards pay for using such underhanded tactics against me!
"Kazuma! Don't worry! Upon the name of house Dustiness, I shall…!"
"[Bind]"
"You fiends! Upon the name of the goddess Aqua, which is me, by the way, I shall…!"
"[Bind]"
"I'll blow you bastards up…!"
"[Bind]"
We were easily captured.
Part 8
"Kuh! Filthy bandits! I see the way you're looking at us beautiful maidens! You may have your way with me, but leave my friends out of this! I mean, I'd prefer it if they watched me get ravaged, so don't completely leave them out, but don't touch them, either!"
"…For the last time, we have no intention of doing that. Please stop harassing us already, Lady Dustiness."
The bandits themselves were telling their captive to stop harassing them.
Once we were captured, the bandits brought us to the living room.
They used [Bind] on Iris as well, who couldn't arm herself in time.
There were a group of seven in front of us.
The leader was a thief type, and the one who captured us.
The rest were a mix of warrior and thief types and there was one woman who was dressed like a mage.
"Wait a minute… That tattoo… I recognize it…"
Iris said, as she looked at the bandit leader.
The bandits were all wearing face masks, but the tattoo branded on the bandit leaders shoulder was recognized by Iris.
"…I didn't expect Princess Iris to be aware of my cell's existence."
Iris blushed.
"W-Well, I sometimes snuck into my father's room and read classified files because I was curious. A-Anyways, you're no ordinary bandit. You're a part of the army's stealth corps, aren't you?"
"Excellent observation, princess. I am no longer a part of the stealth corps, though."
"…I've heard that those of the Belzerg army who were laid off after the defeat of the devil king resorted to mercenary work, and that some resorted to banditry… So you're one of those scum, huh?"
"Would you rather we do mercenary work to feed our families, Lady Dustiness? Doing assassination work for nobles who don't want to do the dirty work themselves? And don't give us that crap about doing adventuring work, either, or an 'honest' job. Due to our high-level, we are restricted from taking on normal adventurer work, but there's no way we can do an A-rank or S-rank mission without meeting our demise. As for an 'honest' job, what other skills do we have outside of fighting? And we can't feed our families with salary from odd jobs and the standard labor work. Not that there are even any of those jobs available with the economy suffering..."
Their problems were much like those my fellow Japanese reincarnates had.
My solution to that was to pay them by power-levelling for me, but the difference between the Japanese heroes and these soldiers was that the Japanese with cheat-items and powers could take down those A-rank and S-rank targets if they worked together.
These guys couldn't take on any of those targets, even if they grouped up, making them unqualified for such work.
And they were also restricted from doing any lower difficulty quests because of their high level. Even normal adventuring work was unavailable to them.
From the start, all they had was their career as soldiers.
What they said about the economy was also true. With the combat-focused country of Belzerg suffering from having its main source of income taken away, the war with the devil king, there was no work available for the soldiers who suddenly found themselves unemployed.
I could offer them a job at Kazu-mall, but with the way Kazu-mall was structured, those with established business skills were the ones who prospered. I could only offer these soldiers part-time, minimum wage grunt work.
All things considered, the only profitable work available to them was banditry.
"What did you all expect to accomplish by capturing the princess? Do you simply want to rob us?"
Darkness finally stopped getting off on the situation and went to serious noble mode.
"That solution would only be a temporary fix. We plan to use her as a bargaining chip for our negotiation talks with the king. We can also use the rest of you. Lady Dustiness, Satou Kazuma and his party, who are not only the heroes of this land, but you have all attained noble titles as well…"
As the bandit leader said, all of us would make excellent bargaining chips.
"That's pretty impressive of you, to come up with such a plan. I can't find it in myself to hate you. What did you say your name was?"
"My name is Alistair. I'm glad to hear that this unpleasant situation hasn't lowered Satou-sama's opinion of me. Truth be told… I'm a big fan of Satou-sama and started modelling my fighting style after you..."
"Ah, so that's what it was. No wonder your gang captured us so easily! After all this nasty business is over with, I'll treat you to a drink, my kouhai."
"Why are you socializing with the enemy, Kazuma?! And the rest of you, why are you all so calm about this!"
Darkness yelled to Aqua and Megumin, who were silently listening and not responding at all.
"I mean… If we're only going to be used as bargaining chips, we will be brought back to the capital and receive a comfortable reception for the horrible situation we went through, right? That means we don't have to go on this troublesome mission to Elroad. The way I see it, these guys are giving us a free ride home. Get on with it, bandits!"
"The way these guys called me a valuable bargaining chip that could decide the fate of the entire nation sounded very cool, so I will be quiet and see how things progress from here on."
"You two are unbelievable!"
Darkness yelled as she struggled in her bindings. But, the more she squirmed, the more she seemed to be getting off.
You're the unbelievable one here.
Now that I think about it, if Aqua really wanted to, she could cast [Break Spell] on the ropes and release herself.
I have been stealthily using [Drain Touch] on the ropes to drain the mana out, but Aqua could easily free herself if she wanted.
This bastard goddess really does want to be taken back to the capital…!
I doubted that I could take on a troop of experienced soldiers by myself, but, if I could free Iris, then maybe…
"…Let go of me this instant!"
Iris suddenly said this.
"I understand Princess Iris's worries, but, we promise that no harm will come to you…"
Iris shook her head as the bandit leader attempted to calm her, thinking that Iris was having a panicked outburst.
"Such self-centered tactics… Do you really think that would work? And even if this 'negotiation' benefits the soldiers, what about the rest of the country, the citizens you once swore to protect? Don't you realize that we are on a diplomatic mission to Elroad right now? If we, the strongest that Belzerg can offer, are captured by mere thugs, what kind of message would that send to Elroad? Negotiations will fail before we can even start!"
If a country that only excels in combat fails even in battle, that will send a negative message.
"Elroad has shown themselves to be unreliable allies. They will turn on us just after we defeated the Devil King army and his forces? Throwing us away once our usefulness is gone? We won't take such treatment anymore!"
The bandit leader yelled with clear pain in his voice. His comrades lowered their head, no doubt remembering how they were fired by the country they once served once it no longer had use for them.
"My father is working hard to fix the country's problems! It's not like he plans to abandon any of you! Right now, there's no work available to soldiers in peacetime, but please be patient…!"
"Wait for what, for another war to begin? At this rate, we can't afford to feed our families if…!"
"You talk about your families, but don't you realize that my father will simply take them hostage if he finds out what you've done?! Did you guys really not think this through?! You're retarded AF! You low IQ skrubs! Go commit not feeling so good!"
"…"
The bandits couldn't respond.
Iris went red and bowed her head.
"I'm sorry for my outburst…"
"N-Not at all…"
Eventually, my ropes dropped after I succeeded with draining the mana out of them.
The bandits eyed me warily as I drew out the dagger I always hid in my hidden pocket.
"Oi, Aqua. Use [Break Spell] already or I will cut off your allowance for life."
"[Sacred Break Spell]!"
In her hurry to comply with my orders, Aqua used the most powerful version of the spell, freeing everyone from their captivity as a result.
"So you could have done that from the start, huh?"
"Ouch!"
I hit this unreliable goddess on the head with the pommel of my dagger.
Seeing us all freed, and still reeling from Iris's argument from earlier, the bandits finally lowered their weapons.
Part 9
We had decided to let the bandits go.
It was a risk sending them out there, but they shouldn't be able to cause any problems for other travellers now that we identified them.
"We must succeed with our talks with Elroad…"
Iris said resolutely as she watched the former soldiers who fought to defend this country leave.
After that exhausting event, we went to bed early.
The mansion had enough rooms for everyone.
Even though I was exhausted, I was still a Japanese until the very end. I took a bath before heading to bed.
As I was lying in bed, waiting for my eyes to get heavy…
"Kazuma, are you awake?"
My door opened and red eyes peeked through.
"I'm not interested in this fake-succubus's blueballing services. Please leave me alone for tonight, Megumin."
"Kazuma is the one who keeps asking to do couple-like activities! I came here to cuddle and sleep with Kazuma, so why turn me away?!"
"Does Megumin really think I'm that interested in cuddling?! I only meant for that to be a stepping stone for lewder activities! Do you really think things like hugging and hand-holding and cuddling would appease my appetite?!"
"Oi! The idiot couple who can't stop bickering even at night! Quiet down over there!"
"S-Sorry…" x 2.
Even though it was only Aqua, we couldn't help but apologize since we were at fault.
Megumin opened the door and came in. She was hugging a pillow to her chest.
"So… Can I come in, or not?"
"Fine…"
She shuffled her feet as she made her way onto my bed. I made space for her and she snuck in.
She laid her head on the pillow she brought and met my eyes.
"Hehe… Kazuma complains about this not being enough for him, but I can feel your blood pumping."
She said as she held my hands.
"I can't help it. Even this torturous blueballing is enough to get a guy like me excited."
"Kazuma is quite cute, you know that? Hey, for tonight… Maybe we…"
All of a sudden, we felt a tremor shake the ground.
It was slow at first, but the tremors quickly picked up in speed and frequency.
"W-What is that, Kazuma? An earthquake?!"
It was inadvisable to go near the windows during an earthquake, so I used farsight to safely look through them.
With my enhanced vision, I found the source of the disturbance outside.
"Nnnnghhhhguhhhh~!"
"Ghunnnghhhkkk~!"
Two mandrakes-like monsters were copulating outside.
"Mnnnguhhhh~!"
"Guhkkkhoooon~!"
This mandrake couple was really going at it.
I understand that they were a different species, but something about their lovemaking sounds seemed a bit disturbing to me.
Soon, we felt another tremor, then another.
"Kazuma, look! There's more of them!"
More and more mandrakes were gathering outside of our mansion. They all proceeded to mate.
"K-Kazuma, what do we do?! *Gulp* I can't look away…"
"Why is Megumin interested in the sexual tendencies of monsters but doesn't seem to have any interest when it comes time to do it with me?"
"This and that are two different things! Eeep! One of them looked at me!"
That said, I also couldn't take my eyes away.
As we observed the mandrakes with much interest, peering through our peephole window, the door opened.
"Oi! Kazuma, Megumin, I'm glad that you're finally giving each other your first times, but isn't this a bit much?! The walls are shaking, you know?! And what's with those awful noises you're making?! We're trying to sleep here!"
Aqua stepped inside the room in her sleepwear. She had a bottle of wine in her hands.
Don't even pretend that you were trying to sleep when you're carrying that bottle.
The others piled in behind Aqua. Then they saw what was happening outside.
"Ngooohhhnnghhkk~!"
"Ghhhkkooonnnhhgggnn~!"
"…" x 5.
We all turned our eyes to Darkness.
"W-Why are you all looking at me like that? This is a coincidence, I swear! It's not like I knew that the mandrake breeding ground is around this area, and intentionally avoided going to the caravan resting point for this purpose!"
This oversexed noble practically admitted her own crimes.
"This… This is… Oh, wow… What a fascinating sight… *Gulp*…"
Iris joined Megumin by the window to watch the mandrakes go at it.
"Mnnnghoowooo~!"
"Niyooogoooooo~!"
"…*Gulp*…" x 5.
We all took a moment to watch the scene before us.
Chapter 25 End
Next Chapter: Negotiating with this Fanboy Prince!