Chapter 87

Scarlett made sure to run into Fanny Elsing in the market place and made some polite conversation there. And then the following week, she made an appointment with Dr. Meade to get some medicine for her headaches. She didn't have headaches of course but she had to have some excuse for meet the doctor. She also came up with some imaginary pains which the doctor would gruffly point out as imaginary. She detested being scolded and reprimanded by the doctor but she had no other choice but to submit humbly to correction.

On some days, she returned home, pleased with herself. But on other days, when she had to endure all kinds of hypocrisy from well-meaning but rather unthinking people, she found herself fuming and clawing to get back home to a cup of brandy. She detested herself during those days and immediately regretted drowning her sorrows in liquor.

And then there were days when she could do nothing but watch and wait. And those days drove her crazy. She had no idea if all this gentle prodding and egging was having any effect. Where people still thinking badly of her? Did she seem awfully desperate? She had no idea. She did not receive any unexpected visitors, unexpected letters- anything..

Meanwhile she diverted her anxieties into buying a new horse and actually hired a riding instructor. She wanted to revive those days when she went horseback riding. She was always a good horsewoman until Ashley came along and started riding with her all the time.

"This time no men are allowed." she told herself, giggling at her own idea. She went riding everyday in a meadow far away and learned to jump a small, low hedge. Here, she was quite terrified because she knew jumping was especially risky. But it had to be done. She had to make the jump and anyway it was only a very small jump. She listened to some strange voice that tod her that this was the right thing to do. Meanwhile, no one in Atlanta knew what she was doing. No one suspected she was learning to jump.

Scarlett arrived at Tara on horseback. Both Suellen and Will Benteen were happy to see her and she stayed there for nearly a whole month. Everyday she rode her horse, around the edge of the farm and towards the pine trees. She went over the bridge and along the slope from where she saw where Twelve Oaks had been. And then she returned back to Tara. And every evening, she sat at the table with wind-blown hair and flushed cheeks. She looked especially happy one day when Suellen curiously asked what she had been doing.

"You remember the hedge that Pa used to clear when we were babies? The one near the sunny brook with the big white stones and the little tree? I cleared that hedge today!"

Suellen looked at Scarlett as if she had lost her mind. "What?! Why? But that's so dangerous!"

"I thought so too. But it isn't really. I thought it was quite a thrill!"

Suellen exchanged looks with Will. Scarlett ate quietly, knowing the kind of sensation she was creating and the chain of events that must follow.

The next day, when she took the horse, she from a distance that Suellen was watching her from the white porch. Scarlett waved her hand and grinned. Suellen did not smile back.

"I hope you start writing that letter soon to Aunt Pitty. I hope you spend all day worrying about me!" thought Scarlett to herself as she rode the horse down the road towards the bridge.

Then one morning, Scarlett received a telegram that had been forwarded from Atlanta. It was from Rhett! He was inviting both children and herself for a trip to Charleston. Scarlett was disappointed but felt she had to comply because it would be a change for Wade and Ella. When she went riding that day, she made sure she was well out of view before she spied a small hedge, about two feet tall and egged the horse onwards. She twisted the reins around her hands but left enough slack and held on for dear life. As the horse neared the hedge, she sailed over the hurdle. Frightened but feeling alive, she jumped down and breathed hard. Then she examined her hands to see real marks and bumps forming on her palms. Feeling dissatisfied, she gave her palms a flick or two with her crop.

"Scarlett?" called a voice.

Scarlett jumped violently and saw Will Benteen tie-ing up his mule by the tree and walking towards her.

"I came because your sister is worried about you. She keeps fretting and worrying that you are going to end up with a broken neck just like your Pa."

"Will, I will be careful, I promise. I am not as reckless as Pa was!" Scarlett gave an airy smile but Will looked steadily at her.

"I went to that spot where you said you jumped the hedge but there weren't any tracks there. That was a five foot hurdle and no horse has come by it. But the tracks lead up mostly to this place where I see the ground's been muddied and broken to bits. Now, I know there must be some reason- Suellen is worrying so much that I have to do something about it."

Scarlett looked forlorn. "Oh Will, you're so smart. All right, I did lie about it. I can't jump like Pa and I have no wish to jump that high anyway. This whole thing is just a small invention of mine"

"To worry your sister?" asked Will and then his eyebrows shot up with understanding. "I see-" he said. "Will he know about it?"

"He has to. I know Suellen writes to Aunt Pitty once in a while. She might complain about me if she was frightened enough and Aunt Pitty might write to Rhett to stop me-"

Will called her to a broken length of fencing sloping down to the meadow. Scarlett's horse began to graze the grass and she sat down on a jutting rock beside the fence. Before them, the sun was sinking into the horizon throwing different shades of red across the evening sky.

"I am always surprised by the amount of care women have for men-" said Will. "I wish more men would realize that. I want you to be safe, Scarlett. I know you are a horsewoman but its been a long time since you've been riding and this kind of thing comes only by practice-"

"Will, don't you think I know that! I've been practicing in Atlanta. I hired an instructor to teach me. I know something about keeping my body in a rhythm with the horse and when to slacken the reins. I know a little bit about it now. At least enough to- you know-"

"-fool your husband?"

"Convince him that I know what I'm doing." said Scarlett. "Will, you don't know how desperate I am. Rhett's a fine talker but I have a nagging feeling that he doesn't completely know how a thing is actually done."

"I don't follow-"

"Well, we had a small Shetland pony. And Bonnie was learning to jump hurdles on it and she could easily clear a foot off the ground. Then on the day she died, she asked for the bar to be raised to one and a half feet. And Rhett agreed because Bonnie was obstinate and we both thought she could do it. Well, I never thought about this before because the memory was always so painful but I realize now that Rhett did not know how the thing would play out-"

"You mean, it wasn't his fault?"

"No. I mean, he didn't know what a huge difference that half feet would make. Now, you might say that I am reading too much into it, but I think I am right."

"But hasn't he been in the Army? Wouldn't he have known all about horses."

"It seems that way, doesn't it? But I wonder- He might not know how jumping hurdles actually worked. You see, Rhett never intended for Bonnie to jump her horse all the time. Yes, he built the hurdle and yes, he trained that pony but it was Bonnie who wanted to jump hurdles all day long. Rhett only wanted her to learn to ride. It was Bonnie who took a real shine to jumping hurdles and Rhett was too proud and pleased to deny her the freedom to do so. Rhett thought it would be all right since he had a notion that Bonnie was strong-willed and fearless... like me-"

Will nodded quietly. "So, since the child has died, don't you think he might feel pained that you should take up the same sport?"

"He will feel pained but he won't know what height, which hurdle, which horse, when I was doing it, how I was feeling about it or what I was thinking- I don't intend to tell anything. I'll tell him I'm returning to my Irish roots. He won't be able to get anything beyond that unless-"

"-he stays with you-"

"Yes" Scarlett remained silent. "And its partly true because I did love riding so much. I used to be outside all the time- going over to the Tarleton plantation or Twelve Oaks. It used to be such fun. And I do love horses so much- I'd forgotten everything. All these fields and forests. I never used to admire them so much. Instead I used to run in them, play in them, go on a good hunt- I used to be a part of this nature and somehow I forgot all that. There's nothing like land- its the only thing worth fighting for-"

"That is true Irish spirit!" agreed Will. "It's still a bluff on your part, Scarlett."

"Oh but, this is just in the side lines, Will. I am hoping to have a happy home in Atlanta. We are going to have everything back again- small family gatherings, songs on the porch, piano playing- I am bringing all those things back- everything that Rhett loved- This is just to stir enough trouble to compel him- Rhett already thinks I am stubborn and selfish. If he gets traces of information, he might imagine the worst about me and that should bring up enough pain. I feel like a miserable wretch but some things just have to be faced. We can't all keep avoiding pain. I tried and I nearly lost my head. I never told you how I felt when Pa died. It was as if someone had knocked the wind out of me. Pa was such a sweet lamb and when he became like a child, I took on the burden because I kept postponing that pain. But I never believed I was clever enough to outrun my troubles. I don't think I am such a fool. Someday we've all got to face our pain. And I did. And I survived. Its only made me gentler- And I don't have to feel like I have to stay one step ahead or make the most of a situation. I don't feel like I'm running any race or winning a prize. Pain makes me stronger and it might do the same for Rhett-"

"Well, I don't like it. This is a bit like playing poker and the loser always loses everything. But I'll help you if you want. I'll put in a word about you to Suellen-"

"You will?"

"I'll tell her that I warned you but you were too grief-stricken to listen and you were raising the height of the hurdles every week- That ought to get things moving pretty fast. Suellen hardly ever writes letters. I'll keep a sheaf of papers handy too. In case she wants to write a good long letter-"

"Thank you, Will." replied Scarlett, warmly.