Chapter 89

Until the day when they were ready to leave for Charleston, Scarlett made sure she knew her horse well. But the thoroughness with which she set about her goal surprised several on-lookers. Her mansion was only surrounded by a low wall. People could look out from their windows and see what she was up to, especially when she stood in the broad sunlight beside the horse. Of course she needed plenty of help from her stable boys to stay calm when the horse sniffed at her outstretched palm or warn her when she was going too close to the hooves. But she was enjoying herself. Especially since she was trying to reach the animal's heart and not testing his powerful muscles. It was like a puzzle to her and she was having a good time. She would find different ways of baiting the horse, finding out what he liked to do the best.

This kind of experimentation was a strange sight for others to see since they all had assumed that she was always so vain and proud. And one day, when she had just then given the horse a good scratch on the nose, she turned and the horse stepped forward to rub its head on hers. Her hat went flying to the grass. Scarlett gave a yelp of fright and leaped away. The stable boy chortled loudly. "He likes you Miss. Scarlett. That's why he's doing that. Don't be scared."

"Mr. Butler, you gave me a fright!" cried Scarlett, laughing. Just then, she saw Fanny Elsing stopping by her gate with her little dog, yapping beside her. "Scarlett, what are you doing?", she asked, for she could sense the lightness in the air.

"I'm about to groom my horse" said Scarlett, feeling quite invigorated. She had already been horse-riding that day. She took a large brush from the little boy beside her.

"But won't that boy do that?" asked Fanny in wonder. She simply couldn't understand why Scarlett should stand in the hot sun and brush away at her horse's coat like mad, getting hair and dirt all over her riding habit.

"He will but this way, I have a better chance of really getting to know the horse. I ride him along trails, you see. I want him to trust me."

"It seems like a lot of trouble" commented Fanny, admiring the way Scarlett worked the brush.

"Oh I don't do this all the time" said Scarlett. "Just this once. I'm leaving for Charleston tomorrow and I don't want my horse to miss me too much-"

"Does he eat from your hand?"

"He does." Scarlett held out her hand with a red apple on it and the horse turned to her. "Look, he's smelling my hand. See how fast his lips move- Isn't he sweet?" The horse crunched the apple quickly and Scarlett scratched his nose. The horse stepped forward once again and rubbed its large nose on Scarlett's head and her hat went sailing again.

When Scarlett saw Old Mrs. Butler, Rosemary and other members of Rhett's large family again, she seemed to view them all differently. She did not feel as if she had to be more than what she already was and she did not seem to mind sitting among the matrons. When Rhett entered the room, he had to look around to find Scarlett for she was already busy conversing with his sister over tea. If this caused some concern in him, he did not show it. He welcomed her with the same, bold, appraising look as before and she returned with a radiant smile.

"Where are the children?" he asked, looking around.

"They are upstairs and looking for you." she said, warmly. She reached into her bag and brought out a pencil and a diary. She wrote down, while listening to Rosemary, "Patrick Neeyson Lynch- a bishop of Charleston at the Roman Catholic Church-"

Rosemary looked up and said, "Rhett, you didn't tell her about the Irish Bishop here? Oh, Scarlett, we simply must take you to Ansonborough downtown. There are many very influential Irish families there and some lovely estates that we could tour- Rhett, you never told her? We could take the coach tomorrow and visit all these places- I would have suggested it before. I don't know why I never thought of it. Perhaps it was because we always heard of the Robillards and not enough about the O'Haras of the family-"

Rhett looked taken aback for some reason. He wandered away and didn't return until the dinner bell rang.

During dinner, for the first time Wade and Ella had joined the entire family at the large dining table. Ella sat beside Scarlett and Wade sat on the other side. Rhett sat opposite to her, noting with some surprise at how well Ella managed her cutlery without any help from her Mother. Whenever the butler approached Ella's plate with some dish, Scarlett always asked Ella if she wanted to taste whatever dish was being offered and if the child refused, she bid the butler to leave.

"Your children are so well-mannered, Scarlett" , commented one of the ladies, aloud. "You must have had a lot of trouble training them-"

"No. No." replied Scarlett. "They are especially happy today. That's why they are so well-mannered. Charleston is a nice change for them."

"Why don't you go with Rhett on his trips across the sea? He makes so many trips to all kinds of places- England, Paris, Cuba- It might be very educative for Wade and Ella!" said Mrs. Butler from her place.

Scarlett merely smiled and ate her dinner in peace.

She did not mind when the servant brought up their luggage to a different bedroom other than Rhett's. This room was nearer to the small room for both children and she went in to say goodnight. But she froze in her tracks when she saw Rhett inside, bidding good night.

She quietly tried to slip away when he called out, "Where are you going, Scarlett?"

"I was going outside, that's all-"

"I want to talk to you." he said, his voice resonant with that slow, Charlestonian drawl that was so pleasant to the ears. "I haven't had the opportunity." He took her hand and led her into his own room just across the hall.

He poured himself a drink and offered her a glass but she refused. "There's a new glow about you, Scarlett." he said, coming towards her. "I can't quite put my finger on it yet. But, there is a change in the way you look. Just what have you been up to in Atlanta?"

"I've been looking after Wade and Ella. You can see just how well they listen to me. Rhett, why don't you take us all to Europe as you promised you would?"

"I never promised such a thing."

"Then won't you come back to Atlanta? We could all be happy together there."

Rhett sat down in his chair and looked squarely at Scarlett. "You don't seem as if you need me. You seem to be managing everything just fine without me."

Scarlett felt a wave of anxiety as she felt things were not going the way she thought they would go. "Don't be silly, Rhett. You know that I still want to have another baby. I told you about it before. Can't you change your mind about it?"

Whatever allusions Scarlett had before she came to this moment with Rhett were instantly destroyed. The man she saw before her was still cold and ruthless. If his heart was touched at all, she could not tell for his face looked wiped clean of emotion. And he simply wasn't going to go along with her new found spirit not matter how brightly she smiled. This man was like Shylock from the play that Mrs. Finch had been reading. The man who demanded his pound of flesh without mercy. The moment of reckoning at finally arrived.

"Rhett, listen-" she began more gently.

Rhett cut in bitingly, "You said that you didn't want to have my children. That you would have anybody else's children except mine. And yet, here you are today, asking to have my child. Don't speak just yet, Scarlett. You've already apologized for those words and I don't see what effect words can have. But you see, you still contradict yourself-"

Scarlett did not reply at once. She felt that if she spoke out just then, she might say something rude and harsh. Then she might regret it for the rest of her life. So, she merely stared back at her husband for a long time before finally quieting down her beating heart to speak.

"Rhett, I have changed since you left. And I have thought a lot about what happened between us. And since it is important to you, those words that I spoke so long ago... I only want to tell you that I spoke those words out of anger. I snapped at you. When you left with Bonnie, you didn't come back for so many months and I missed you and Bonnie desperately. And I never went to Ashley after that. I never went near the sawmill. Any conviction I had of finding strength in Ashley was completely gone, you see. And then I tried to be a good Mother to Ella and Wade. But I couldn't form anything meaningful with them and I felt so ashamed. Some of those things you told me, they really were true. Ella seemed so distracted and Wade actually feared me. I know they both are all right now, but it took a year to set things right. And then I went to see Dr. Meade and he told me I was going to have another baby and I wanted it to be a little boy- a little boy who was as handsome as you with your black eyes and dark hair. And then that letter came from Aunt Eulalie- you had been telling stories about me to her, Rhett- It was a sneaky thing to do, wasn't it? And it wasn't even that- you gave her an awful impression that I loved running a store more than looking after my own family. Even if its true, what good does it do to go blabbing like that to my own Aunt? She'd only judge me, wouldn't she? And I got angry because I couldn't do anything about it. And that was why I was so cross when you finally came. I didn't mean to be so hurting."

"All right, so it was all my fault. Then after you took to your bedroom, why didn't you call for me? If you knew then that I loved you, why didn't you?"

Scarlett twisted her hands in frustration. She came towards Rhett's chair and peered down at him. "Well, don't you see- don't you see that I couldn't- I hurt you. I really did. You face looked like it had been stung. And I was satisfied at last. And.. and then , you just didn't do anything about it-"

"What should I have done?" asked Rhett, his eyebrows shot up in mocking crescents.

His calmness about the whole thing was infuriating to Scarlett. She threw up her hands helplessly. " Oh, I don't know. Gotten angry or something- anything.. Don't you see that I couldn't trust you- What kind of man simply ignores his own feelings and speaks as if nothing happened at all?! Rhett, I couldn't stand it- don't you see- it isn't what people do- people don't simply ignore their heart when its been hurt so badly-"

Rhett's face looked completely blank. Scarlett could tell that he was leading her towards some unpleasant memory but she was frightened by the eerie strangeness of it all. She followed his voice, reluctantly, wishing that whatever it was, it would end soon. The room looked particularly sombre just then and very warm from the summer time. The house seemed to grow still.

"I did get upset after that." said Rhett, quietly. "When you fell down those damned stairs, I thought I'd killed you and I drank all evening-"

"Oh" mouthed Scarlett. She looked stunned.

"Yes, and if it's any comfort to you, I shed a few tears of remorse as well." Rhett's mouth twisted in a cynical smile.

Scarlett felt herself being hooked. Despite her guarded nature, she asked, "Was anyone there- Dr. Meade must have seen you-"

"No." said Rhett, in his deceptively silky tone. "If you want me to be completely honest, I cried on your cousin Melanie's lap."

"What?!" cried Scarlett, her voice going hollow. Her face turned white and all colour drained from her lips. Rhett noted the change with morbid interest. It was almost cruel when he spoke his next few words with a kind of casual flippancy, knowing fully well the kind of effect it would have on its listener.

"Yes, I did. She listened to what I had to say. I told you before that Melanie was a great lady. She saw the good in everyone- "

"I..I see-" said Scarlett ,looking rather stricken and queer. She slowly dropped her eyes, walked to a nearby chair and sat down in defeat. "Yes, you always did like her- set a store by her-" she mumbled, dejectedly. "And I can't say a word about it because I love Melly. I know she loved me..and.. and you were in real trouble and I wasn't there." A look of bitter finality settled in Scarlett's emerald eyes. A dullness appeared with it. "That's the way it is, isn't it. I finally stop running, chasing after.. and it still gets away from me.." She stood up and slowly walked to the door. She was as white as a ghost. Everything that she had hoped for- that dream once again eluded her. She was in pain but she couldn't cry. She had never felt so small in her entire life.