Chapter 90

Rhett saw her out of the corner of his eyes. He acquiesced grudgingly, "Yes , Melanie listened all right. Of course, she had her own notions of men and women and did what a lady usually does. She listened and nodded as all ladies might do but in genuine affection and compassion."

There was a faint unwilling irritation in Rhett's voice that struck a familiar chord in Scarlett. She turned around, a new alertness creeping into her eyes.

"And that's what every good woman does, isn't it? And I ran on for so long , I nearly told the truth about you and Ashley. A fine gift that would have made for all her patience, wouldn't it?" Rhett laughed bitterly. He looked boldly at Scarlett, his eyes glowing hot like fire, "I very nearly told her that my biggest trouble was that my wife was in love with her husband-"

Scarlett raised her hand to her mouth and began to laugh and blink back sudden tears. She stared at Rhett and once again laughed. It was as if she was seeing a ray of hope in what had appeared to be a hopeless situation. Rhett stared at her as if she were going crazy. "Oh, my Mother was like that." said Scarlett, her voice breaking and rising unevenly. "I'd go to her whenever I felt ashamed and cry on her skirts. She would be so kind and comforting. But it never did do any good because I was always up to old tricks again. She never really knew me, you see. I always showed her my best side. I-" Scarlett fumbled around her pockets for a large handkerchief and blew her nose. But the tears kept coming. "I'm not really upset. " she said to Rhett, who was looking genuinely disturbed by her outpouring of emotion. "I am actually relieved. I don't know why I keep crying like this. It's never happened before. I.. I was so afraid that Melly had got to you. The way you said it. You're always trying to devil me! And here, I've been trying so hard, I just couldn't bear-" Scarlett blew her nose again.

"What is this?" asked Rhett, a strange glow suddenly lighting his black eyes. He walked over to her, put his hand under her chin and titled her face upwards to look into her eyes. "You are strangely feminine, Scarlett and it intrigues me. This is what was so different about you since this morning. I couldn't believe my eyes. But I've seen other women fight over a man before. Its a disgusting spectacle, if you ask me. Is a man's heart worth all this trouble?!"

Scarlett nodded her head vigorously, her swollen eyes barely peeping out from above the handkerchief. Rhett chuckled in disbelief. He was in a lighter mood now. "Does it really matter that you have to be the one that I must cry to? And must you pout like that? It isn't becoming at all!"

"Don't make jokes now. I've been working so hard and remembering so many things! And I did it all for you. But I was going to say all that I wanted in a more calm and kind voice. But you've over-taken me as always and ruined everything. And now I have to tell you with red eyes and puffy cheeks or it would all go to waste- It is as if God and everybody else are playing a nasty trick on me!"

"All right, don't fret over it." said Rhett, in a tone that seemed as if he were highly entertained. He lifted her up and sat on the armchair with her on his lap. "If that means so much to you- what is it you want to say?"

Scarlett tucked her handkerchief back inside and took a deep breath. She felt her eyes about to tear up again and waited a moment to compose herself. Then she managed an engaging smile which brought a dimple to her cheeks. "Now you've told me that you were hurt. I tell you now that I know you were only upset about me and Ashley because you devised this scheme about making me fall in love with you without revealing your own feelings. And your scheme failed and you were angry and upset. And that's what anyone in your place would feel. I understand that. I also tell you that you can't really get rid of me so easily because you've invested so much time and money in me. So, I know about you and your heart, better than you think-"

"I see" said Rhett, after a beat. "Is there anything else?"

"Of course there is- .."said Scarlett, seriously. A kind of whimsical look crept into her face, by her own permission and softened her green eyes, revealing their depths in startling clarity. Her features grew soft and she seemed as if she were melting into his arms.

"And now that I've learned to tell gold apart from glitter-" she said slowly in a mellow tone. "I see that you have a heart of gold, Rhett." She caressed on those last words, hoping to see the effect it would have on Rhett's face.

But Rhett looked as if his face had been completely wiped clean of emotion. "I heard you, my love, but why is this is so important-"

"It's very important. Just feel it, the quietening of your heart- And I am quiet too. This is what happiness is. It is a very gentle feeling- not harsh or bold like the ones you know so well." Scarlett nodded gently, tenderness in her every expression. "And you've done it, don't you see? This is what you wanted when you married me- your returns for all the pains you took-"

Rhett simply stared at her.

Scarlett sighed. "Rhett, you spent your time and your money on me. You value me. That's what it is. And if you don't clear out sadness ,fear or confusion from your heart after every quarrel, then you are going to lose your temper again.. at things that never really did any harm. At innocent things and people who might have been innocent. You met my Pa, didn't you?"

Rhett nodded still uncomprehending.

"Pa was the kindest soul that ever lived. Only once did he ever hit a servant and even that made him so upset. But Pa always bellowed out when he was enraged and he always cut right into you like a coal train if he suspected that you were in the wrong. He was never one for sentiments when he had to confront people and he always did confront people. He never held back, not on the people, but on himself. He always let himself go- had a good shout and came back sweet as a lamb. That's why he was able to be kind to the right people. Because he took care of his heart. Do you understand?"

A shadow fell across Rhett' face and it seemed as if he were following her words now.

"You don't do this, Rhett. You bridle your heart and keep it in check. That isn't right. Instead you must give free reign to your own feelings. You have to yell out, bellow out like a bull, if you are angry... because that's the kind of privilege you take for yourself. It's your right to do it. If you keep it all inside and just cut off from the people themselves, it all stays in your heart and bursts out on innocent people. And others see the violent things you do and are afraid of you. And sometimes you even say things you don't mean with a force you never intended- And then you go to Belle's saloon, drink, gamble and what not-" Scarlett laid her head on Rhett's chest. "Don't you see that you don't really want to do that. Don't you want to be wise?"

"What do you mean?"

Scarlett sat up and looked blankly at Rhett's face. "When you shot that pony, maybe you thought it was all right because of our loss but is it really the way to treat yourself? Ah!" she said, laying a finger on Rhett's lips for just a moment. "I'm not thinking of the pony, I'm thinking of you-right here-" She pointedly poked at Rhett's chest." -or the time when you shot that man in the saloon and.. and-"

"-the duel in Charleston?" said Rhett, looking surprised yet grave. "I see what you are getting at. I can't say I like it. But I am impressed, Scarlett. I didn't think you could do it. I'm amazed."

"It's what you need, Rhett. You think you were being calm. You think you are strong when you stifle all the darkness but even you aren't convinced by what you do. No, I didn't find it out from your selfishness or your unscrupulousness. I found it out from your voice- the way you speak- so insincere and hating yourself for it. I heard you talk and I knew this was bothering you. And I finally decided to help you-"

Here, Scarlett permitted herself to look a little smug. This brought an unwilling smile on Rhett's face. She knew she was in her element now. "I think you would have liked to feel ashamed for the wicked things you did but God didn't even give you that pleasure. You were only aware of everything you did and despite it all, you looked after yourself in whatever way you could without depending on anybody else- with that smile that could deceive even the devil." Her voice grew soft again. "That's why this place is like Hell to you, honey- but it doesn't have to be that way." Scarlett ran her hands through Rhett's hair and rested her palms on his cheeks. "You don't really want to be so angry, do you? You'll take care of your heart too, won't you- for my sake.. or let me take care of you. I think the world of you and I know I'm right. If you carry all the hurt for too long, you will keep bursting out and on the wrong people. You're not above it at all. You are bitter and cynical - angry and upset and running away when things might turn out all right-and not remembering all the good you've done. And-"

"Madam, I once told you that I thought my being a varmint held some charm for you- a well-brought up Southern belle. I was right, wasn't I?"

"Yes you were, Rhett" said Scarlett, meekly.

"And you could find it in your heart to love me?"

"Yes, Rhett"

"And what about that store and the mill that I made you give up? Is that all right?"

"Yes, it is all right."

"Does that mean you've made new ventures?" he asked, swiftly.

"Yes , but I won't tell you what they are right away-" said Scarlett with a sudden giggle.

Rhett frowned at this but continued, "And I wouldn't be needed just to buy new mules and make payments?"

"No, of course not."

"Why?"

"Well, I.. I don't want to go after a good thing without people around me to tell me if what I got was a good thing or not- I'm kind of muddled that way- you must have known that about me.." Her voice trailed away a little. She looked a little uncomfortable, wishing that the intensity of the moment would pass away.

Rhett's eyes were moving rapidly as if he were searching for something in his mind. Then he finally nodded as if he were convinced of the explanation- as if it had aligned with the things he had already known. "No, I didn't know it until you told me. A child crying for the moon, was what I said, wasn't it? I didn't realize you needed people around you to tell you that- Yes, I see- you were in the dark there, weren't you-" He nodded once again. "It's fascinating. I've never been fascinated before- And I have seen many things-"

He looked at Scarlett again, as if only then remembering she was still there in his arms. This time his eyes were blazing but there was a new kind of innocence - a look she had never seen before and she liked it tremendously. The look quickly disappeared but she knew how to bring it out again. She stored it for later use and smiled sweetly instead.

Rhett shifted his arms so that he could look better into Scarlett's eyes. Her neck nestled on the crook of his arm so that she couldn't turn away even if she wanted to. She looked back up at him, her hand on his brown cheek. Rhett breathed hard and after a long look at her, he finally smiled as well. "Look at you. You look so lovely just now. It's just how I wanted you to be. I never understood why you had to be so frightened about it before. It's all right to allow someone to poke holes through your pride if they really care about you, isn't it?

"Well, I don't know-" said Scarlett, unwillingly. Her eyes carried a wary accusation. "If I agreed to that, you might start poking holes again just for the pleasure of it." Her voice rose in mild annoyance. "You made me jump through more hoops than I ever did to you- You still are a rascal-"

Rhett laughed out so loud that Scarlett jumped in fright. "I don't mind changing myself a little if it matters so much to you, Scarlett. I already told you I had a good time so far." His voice suddenly became sincere. "But you, you simply had to slow down and let me love you. I wanted to pet you and spoil you.. You shouldn't keep worrying about how it would look like. It doesn't matter. Not when you are with me. Do you understand?"

"Yes"

"Because I would never hurt you- You believe that. You trust me enough to believe that, despite everything that happened? You agree that you mustn't be so strong willed and stubborn to your own husband when he loves you so?"

"Yes, Rhett." Scarlett lifted her face and kissed him lightly, in affirmation of what she had said.

Rhett took a long breath. "I don't know why it took this long", he said, soberly. "I almost gave up. And now just look at you, pretty and happy, like a little bit of sunshine- just like Bonnie-"

Suddenly he stopped. Somehow the word had slipped out without his admittance it would seem. His look turned to one of consternation. As if all this was suddenly a strain on him and he was just now discovering it himself. His arms turned as hard as lead. He slowly lifted Scarlett back up and stood with her. He stood for a moment ,looking away, clenching his hands slowly. He stood like that for a while. Then he raised fingers to his eyes to rub them as if he were tired. "I want you to leave here, Scarlett. No, I don't mean that I am upset with you. On the contrary I am quite pleased. But I need you to leave just now. We will talk in the morning."

"It's all right, I understand." said Scarlett, patting down her dress and her hair. "I'm tired too. I'm going to bed."

"All right, then you can go to your room."

Scarlett looked at Rhett but he had his back to her. His was a resolute stance as if he were determined to get through the storm as best as he could. Suddenly she remembered that he had been a captain at sea. Perhaps this was what he was like on the deck of a ship. She felt reassured in his presence. And she knew he was doing the right thing. She walked noiselessly out of the room and closed the door softly behind her.