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Chapter 102

At first out of a sense of duty, Scarlett began to recall her moments with Ashley Wilkes. That first incident at the barbeque was all right. She remembered seeing Melanie on Ashley's arm and how she herself had gathered so many beaus around her. She remembered that scene at the library. That was also all right. Scarlett supressed a smile at how comfortable she felt when remembering all this. Rhett knew about her and about this incident so that was all quite safe and all right.

Then she remembered Ashley's wedding and how her own wedding had been the next day. That was also quite all right.

"And then I came to Atlanta" thought Scarlett, frowning hard. "And Ashley came from the war on that Christmas furlough. I had worn that watered silk bonnet to the station and received Ashley with Melanie and India. Then we all had a nice time and Ashley had to leave. And Melanie had stitched him a new coat out of that grey cloth that she had got from somebody- And I had given Ashley a.."

Scarlett stopped a moment. "- a long yellow sash made of China silk that Rhett had bought for me from Havana." She swallowed hard and looked completely mortified. She couldn't tell this to Rhett. She had never told him. She pictured the scene in her mind.

"Yes, Rhett- you remembered that nice China silk sash that you bought for me from Havana. Well, Ashley came back from the war and I took the sash and picked out all the lovely embroidery, cut up the silk and tied it around Ashley's waist-"

She made a gun firing motion with her hand and sat down on her bed. She was stuck and she hadn't even come to the truly emotional parts yet. Already she was stuck. Rhett knew about Ashley kissing her during the furlough. She would have to tell him about this too. Just why had she been fool enough to make Ashley such a present?!

"Oh, this is terrible" thought Scarlett. Then she walked around, trying to think. It must have been because Melanie made that grey coat. If only Melanie hadn't made anything. Then she, Scarlett wouldn't have cut up the shawl to outdo her. But Melanie was Ashley's wife. She had every right to- And Scarlett had always claimed that she loved Melanie, hadn't she? Just why did she compete with Melanie?

If only Melanie hadn't had that baby- or looked like she was going to have- But Scarlett already had Wade.

"I couldn't explain it, not in a million years" said Scarlett, starting to feel a headache coming on. "It was silly. I was young then. They always say young people make silly mistakes." Vaguely she wondered if it was time she went back home to Atlanta. She had stayed here for about a month now. And Rhett too had said that he was going abroad, hadn't he? Perhaps she could hint at it. But then she remembered that queer glint in his eye and her hopes sank down.

Suddenly she wished she had never pursued Rhett. He doesn't know what he wants. He probably just said he wanted to know all about Ashley because he thought she was hiding something.

Then when she remembered that awful scene with Ashley in the windy orchard after the war, when she had hinted that Melanie could no longer have children- Scarlett threw her hands up in exasperation and half stormed out of the room. These feelings were too much for her. She was drowning in them. It wasn't fair. No woman had to go through this! She went down the stairs in haughty defiance when she saw Rhett looking at her from the room below. Her eyes instantly lowered in fright but not fast enough for he was already eyeing her disdainfully. She decided to go out riding again and went to kitchen to find the servant. She asked to keep her horse ready in the evening. She ignored Rhett and went back upstairs to nurse her headache.

When she came down later in her riding habit, she was surprised to find Rhett in a better mood. He actually smiled when she came nearer and she knew he was admiring her smart outfit. She did look very fashionable and neat.

"Where are you off to this time?" he asked as she went past him.

"Oh, I just ride wherever I please." said Scarlett. "I bet you never knew I could ride well- You've never seen me on the horse. When we get back, I'll take you one day to Tara. I know some wonderful trails we could go exploring." She heard laughter coming out of the library. "Your family is in there- aren't you with them?"

"No" replied Rhett, simply.

Scarlett thought he looked rather dull just then. It struck her odd just then why he hung about alone on the porch when he could be having a wonderful time with everybody inside. He seemed lonelier just then. And she seemed to realize just then how strange it was that he never made a huge deal of his height or handsome face. He looked powerful and he said powerful things but just with her- just now, he looked different- hesitant and unsure. She couldn't understand why.

He seemed to have picked up the pensive look on her face. "Let me kiss you goodbye" he said. And taking a few quick steps, he leaned forward and kissed her as long and leisurely as he could. She tried to withdraw after a while, but he went on with a strange insistence. Finally she pulled away and as she turned, he kissed her neck in unabated fervour.

"Rhett!" she hissed, feeling the nervous excitement running through her veins and realizing how inappropriate a moment this was to feel such feelings. He didn't look like he wanted to make love to her just then. Why was he acting so strange?

He helped her up on the horse and again the way he helped her, that added embrace made her go hot and cold all over. He waved goodbye with a sudden malicious grin on his face. Scarlett rode on, thankful to be away from him and noting with annoyance at the appearance of goosepimples on her arms and neck. A mile down the road and she was wishing fervently that she was back in her own room.