Chapter 117

Scarlett was in thought as she went to the Reverend Mother's room. She had said her good byes to Careen and had initially thought of joining Rosemary by the carriage. But something in that gentle but strong voice of Careen persuaded her to pay one last visit to the Head Mother.

When she entered her room, Scarlett first began as if she had planned to give her good-byes here as well. But as she turned to the door, she asked, as lightly as possible, "Reverend Mother, I think that you are brave for running a convent like this- especially when we all know that God has abandoned us after we lost the Great Cause!"

"God never abandons us, Mrs. Butler. I do not know why we were invaded- and it must have been harder on you and your family since they used your plantation as a headquarters but- we don't all have to widen our acceptance in one, right way. Sometimes there is not right way. But we must learn to accept the people who we are drawn to accept- you must know some people like that yourself- people who are no better in character but who you can understand- and when you finally do accept them, the others will follow you and then you will see how we are all in a way connected-"

"But, Reverend Mother- how can I support those people when I am frightened myself?"

"Then, don't spend yourself on those people- surely when you have grown on a planation, you must have an intimate connection with nature-"

Scarlett nodded a little and then said in a softer voice, "When I was young, I used to run around Tara and I knew when the chickens laid eggs or the cows calved- I knew the times when the slaves would come in from the cotton fields, I knew the goings-on in their quarters- But.. I couldn't do more because.. because.. I never had any girl friends- after a while.. it.. it becomes painful- to go on like that when.. when you know deep inside that you're not as good- and it..it becomes less sufferable to be known as Mother's little girl-"

Scarlett's eyes welled with tears again. She opened her hands in a gesture of helplessness.

"I see" replied the Head Mother. Her gaze softened. "It is painful to you- then why don't you start your dreams again? You made Tara survive the war and it is thriving now- Do you think God had abandoned you then?"

"It seemed so-"

"If God had really abandoned you, why are you here now?"

"I don't know" replied Scarlett, softly.

Suddenly the Head Mother took her fingers in hers. She held it very gentle and said in a very soft voice. "Perhaps, God has made it so painful that you must grow beyond your feelings- whatever you have felt so far, pain, shame, fear, anger- perhaps it is all too painful because the time has come for you to change."

"Does.. does God want me?" asked Scarlett.

"Then, why are you here?"

Scarlett nodded faintly. "There really is nothing left- We lost everything during the war- and then I did lost everything- and the one person, my husband- he isn't dead or anything- but there is nothing left there as well. He.. he depends on me but not in a proper way.. it feels painful there too- and I never used to feel so lonely before-"

"Your spirit is strong. It is made strong for a purpose. Perhaps right now, you feel afraid and alone." Suddenly the Head Mother brightened, "Perhaps if you made a prayer- is there anything you especially want after you find out whatever it is you want to do?"

"I want my husband back with me- When he was with me, I never understood him. But he needs me, I know it. Only he is too proud- keeps going on and on about things.. as if he has thought it all out.. but people cant be like that.. I know what he feels and ..and ..well in the end we are all human aren't we?"

The Head Mother nodded. "It will happen. He will come back to you. It will be a sign. Now, instead of following your feelings, follow your spirit. It is stronger. And if you ever need to hear a gentle word of kindness, look to nature- look to the people that nature will bring- you will draw them to you- just as your Mother did-"

Scarlett bowed her head in acknowledgement. Her heart felt lighter now that the Head Mother finally understood exactly what she had been struggling to explain.