"They're always looking forward to going places they're just coming from,
or regretting doing things they haven't yet done. They say hello
when they mean goodbye."
Martin Amis
Jonathon was patient with her. He never asked what she was up to. He never wanted to know about Jace. He just told her to be careful. To take care of herself. She had nearly cried when he had purchased the large quantity of designer clothing, yet she held it in. They were both seeking the same thing after all: justice for their mother.
[]
"Mom, where are we going?" Jonathon asked, tugging at Jocelyn's hand. She didn't budge. She didn't even look at him. He frowned and stopped walking, causing her to finally notice him. Clary was on her other side, oblivious to what was going on. She stared at him, her green eyes wide. She smiled.
Jonathon glanced away from his sister. "Where are we going?" He knew he was whining, but he didn't care. Why were they taking their things with them? Why couldn't he stay in the apartment? Why was his mother acting this way? Jocelyn let go of her children. She sauntered to the empty kitchen where a man Jonathon hadn't ever seen before stood, eyes calculating.
Clary whimpered slightly when the warmth of her mother's hand disappeared. She moved to where her brother was. Jonathon inched closer to the stranger. He acted as if he was just walking around in circles. Their voices were quiet and quick. He strained his ears to listen.
"Valentine. I'll do anything. Just let us continue living here." He couldn't see his mother's face. All he stared at was the pale skin of the man, orbs dark as the night. He was tall and he wore a crisp suit, one Jonathon only saw in movies.
The stranger known as Valentine clicked his tongue. He appeared bored. "We went over this, dear Jocelyn. You can only be used so far." His mother flinched even though he hadn't touched her.
"My children-" She started.
"They're not mine. I have a family. And you know your worth. You can continue doing what you have done to me elsewhere."
Jocelyn's hands fisted. "I only-I only did it for my children. You can't just leave us like this. We'll be homeless, Valentine."
For a moment, Valentine's gaze met Jonathon's. The eight year old could feel the malice in his expression. He turned away, breathing rapidly. Clary noticed and nudged Jonathon with a tiny fist. She looked worried. He shook his head and twisted his attention back to the adults. He didn't know why, but he wanted to memorize Valentine. He wanted to have his face imprinted in his memory.
"I don't care. Now save me the pity and leave." Jocelyn's shoulders slumped at the words. There was something in her figure that Jonathon hadn't ever witnessed. It was weakness and humiliation.
"Your children..." Jocelyn was crying silently. Valentine had his back to her, slowly walking away. There was satisfaction in his smile. "What are their names?"
Valentine stopped. It took him a few seconds to reply, but he did. He didn't turn around to look at her, or even to comfort her. "I have one child. His name is Jace."
"What would you do if it were Jace who was here? If you were kicking him out?" She was wiping her face carefully, making sure her questions were quiet.
Jonathon would never forget this moment. He would never forget Valentine's dark chuckle or the carelessness in his ebony orbs. The way he tilted his head at his mother as if she was stupid. Most definitely, Jonathon wouldn't ever forget his cruel response. "My child is not like one of those." He pointed a long finger at Clary, who was sitting on the ground, playing what looked to be a bug. She didn't notice the stranger. Then, sympathy laced itself into what he said next. "You're a whore Jocelyn. Do what you do best."
About ten minutes later, they left the apartment room. The three stood at the balcony out in the hall. Valentine took the stairs and Jonathon observed him as he climbed into a brand new car. It was red and shiny. He always dreamed of driving one of those when he got older. Jonathon listened to the roaring engine and the vehicle disappeared in a small cloud of smoke.
"I'm cold, mom." It was Clary, her teeth chattering.
Jocelyn took their hands. She guided them carefully down the stairwell. It was midwinter and heavy winds beat at their thin clothing.
"Where are we going mom?" Jonathon asked. He knew, somewhere in his head, that they had nowhere to live.
For the first time in a long while, his mother began to cry. The hand that grasped Clary's was clammy and desperate. Jocelyn's hair shook, stringy and not as beautiful as it once was. Clary started to whine, loud and dejected. Jonathon stood where he was, numb and shivering slightly.
None of them would forget this moment.
[]
Clarissa walked along the track, a little earlier than what she had initially planned. She listened to crickets and the sound of her boots crushing the ice below her. She was wearing the hat he had given her. It smelled like him. She didn't look like herself today. She looked like someone out of a movie and it felt wrong. She shouldn't be acting like this. She shouldn't be in the middle of a park while her mother was ill and her brother was working his ass off in dangerous places just to get food on the table. Still, she thought, Clarissa was doing her part. She was the key to their plan. The nail in the coffin.
She shifted slightly and slumped against the curb. In irritation, she tugged off her gloves and threw them onto the ground. She placed her face between her curled knees. Her breaths were uneven. The air around her was harsh and relentless. She had to keep it together. She had to stay in control. Clarissa peered up at the sky. It was dark, the moon not visible.
"Are you alright?" Came a voice behind her. She turned slowly, already aware of who was speaking to her. She forced a tiny smile on her face and met his tawny eyes, bright and blazing.
"I'm fine. I was just waiting for you." She lied easily, rising to her feet. He looked surprised at her words, but didn't say much of anything else. Jace appeared like he always did. He wore a brown coat and black sweatpants. To her satisfaction, he had a hat similar to the one he had offered her previously.
"Okay." She tugged on her headphones. "Are you ready?" He trudged to her side. Their shoulders touched but neither of them moved away. They jogged.
[]
"Can we take a break?" Clarissa asked, feigning discomfort on her right side. He halted his steps and moved so that they could sit on the bench. He was sweating a little, his lips red and his nose pink from the cold. She made sure there were a few inches between them. She needed to be close, but not too close.
She downed her water bottle and sent a glance his way. He was leaning forward, arms against his legs, face trained to the ground. "Can I ask you a question?" Jace peered at her momentarily. He looked angelic, his face only visible because of the lamp posts. He nodded.
She bit her bottom lip. "What's your name?"
He stared at her. "It's Jace."
Clarissa grinned. She held out a small hand. "I'm Clarissa. It's nice to meet you."
He looked nervous at the transaction. She watched him hesitate and then his rough hand shook hers. Something electric passed through her, a strong current that caused goosebumps to form on her skin. She let go of him, letting her fingers linger for just a second longer.
She could feel her heart beating catastrophically. Her cheeks were warm. Jonathon's voice whispered in her ear. Keep cool. Don't lose control.
[]
When Clarissa stood up, she held the phone gingerly, her face drawn between disappointment and anger. "Sorry." She said to Jace. "Let me just throw this thing away." She sauntered to the trash can and tossed the wrecked phone inside. It was worth nothing anyway.
Jace remained where she had left him. "Let's go." She told him, giving him an encouraging smile. He didn't return the gesture back, but she caught the sudden vividness in his eyes and the quickness in which he tried to conceal it.
[]
It was January. The days were a little shorter. The remnants of winter lingered. She arrived late. Her shift at Walmart was long and the number of customers were infinite. She found Jace pacing along the track, back and forth. He was listening to music and his head bobbed with the beat. She watched him for a minute more before making her way to him.
"Hi, Jace. I'm sorry I'm late. I had to work." It was the first time she had uttered his name, but she played it off normally, like it was nothing. He had noticed though, his lips twitching. She pulled off her hood, letting her hair frame her face recklessly.
He cocked his head to the side. "That's okay. I-" He paused as if he didn't know how to continue. He wouldn't look down at her.
"Jace?" Clarissa mumbled, stepping closer to him.
At her presence, his eyes met hers. The swirls in his orbs made her lips part. Heat radiated from his body. He thrust something to her. She made a sound of surprise and looked at the object. A box? She turned it over curiously. A phone. A brand new phone.
"Why?" She asked, daring herself not to gaze at him. Not to let her emotions show. He wasn't supposed to be like this. He wasn't supposed to care. He wasn't supposed to show any empathy towards her.
She blinked and heard him answer. "You broke your old one. I thought-" Jace stopped. She glanced at him. "I don't know." It was like he was angry at himself. Angry that he couldn't organize his thoughts.
Clarissa leaned forward and placed a hand on his chest. He shivered a bit before relaxing. Her face was trusting. She could tell he was scared. He was afraid of what she was doing to him, worried about his feelings. His guarded facade. "You didn't have to." She was whispering and she didn't know why. "Thank you." Shyly, she wrapped her arms around him. He froze and she prayed that he'd react. He was warm and he smelled like cologne. Slowly, almost like he didn't know how, he placed his face into the crook of her neck, embracing her lightly.
[]
Everything was going by effortlessly. Jocelyn was getting better, her face more vibrant and alive. Jonathon was coming home earlier, safe and playful with the family. Clarissa was doing what she had to do. The siblings never spoke about it to their mother, but they discussed it behind closed doors. It wasn't a secret. Yet, it was something they were doing to regain the pride and dignity Jocelyn had lost years before.
"Are you okay?" He asked her, placing both his hands on her shoulders.
"Yea." She muttered, staring at the light freckles on his creamy skin. He was her mirror and her opposite.
"I love you." He told her, determination present in his voice.
She nodded, too tired and restless to say anything else. "I know."
[]
They were about to go their separate ways again. Clarissa called after him as he trudged to the near empty lot. "Jace!"
He turned, eyebrows raised. She smiled. "I wanted to give you this." She hurried over to him, the bag smacking against her legs.
"What is it?" He asked, peering into the package suspiciously.
"It's, well, I'm not a master baker or anything. But I thought you might like these. They're cookies." She knew she was rambling so she stopped, her face aflame. She watched him, trying to gauge his reaction. "You might not like them if you're allergic to peanuts."
"What?" He stared at her in confusion.
"There are peanuts in the cookies." Clarissa tried to explain. "I don't want you dying or anything." She added as an afterthought.
To her amazement, he laughed. His hair shook and he pushed the strands away dismissively. She didn't realize how weak she felt until her knees practically melted. She let out a breath. "Thank you, Clarissa." He seemed to realize the situation and their nearness for his expression grew somber. "I don't have any allergies."
She nodded. "That's good. I'll see you tomorrow then, Jace." She gave him a tiny wave and walked to her car.
[]
"Hear me out-" Jonathon pleaded, his hands moving wildly in the air.
"Jon, you'll ruin it. You'll ruin everything." Clarissa exclaimed, shaking her head multiple times.
Her brother wasn't taking no for an answer. "It'll show his feelings. How will we ever know what he thinks of you? You can't just go by instinct."
He had a point, but, "I don't want him to find out. He's not an idiot, y'know."
Jonathon nodded. "Don't worry. It'll be fine."
[]
She was nervous. She kept looking around the park, expecting Jon to pop out of nowhere. Jace was silent as usual and she wondered if he had noticed her behavior. She hoped not. She counted to ten slowly and trained her eyes on the track.
Winter was coming to an end. The snow had melted mostly and only mud remained. The sky was a little brighter and the air didn't make her curl into her coat anymore. She peered at Jace momentarily. He was looking upwards, mouthing words to the lyrics he was listening to. Before Clarissa could turn the corner, something pushed her to the cement roughly. She gasped in alarm, her ankle burning. "Watch where you're going." She knew that voice. She saw him standing there, a hood on, his lips morphed angrily.
"What the hell do you think you're doing?" It was Jace, his tone surprisingly furious. His earphones hung loosely from his ears. He stepped closer to the man. Then, the man left, without a word, walking briskly through the night. Clarissa stared after him; she was certain it was Jonathon. Without a doubt.
Jace was bewildered. He shook his head and kneeled down to her. "Are you alright? I don't...That was weird."
She nodded. "I'm okay." She tried to rise to her feet and yelped when she felt a sting on her ankle. Jace brought an arm out to steady her. He guided her to the bench and they settled down.
"I didn't even see him." Jace muttered, still looking in the direction Jonathon had ventured.
"Me too." She was worried he'd notice something off about this. She ignored the ache of the small injury and held onto the bench to stand up properly.
"What are you doing?" Jace asked, a frown on his mouth.
Clarissa offered him a small smile. "It's getting late. I have to get home."
She didn't miss the disappointment on his face or the way his gaze went to the watch on his wrist. "Okay. Let me take you to your car." He offered, reaching an arm out to her.
"No, Jace. It's fine." She had to do this. Had to distance herself from him the moment he wanted to be close to her. She couldn't give in to her desires.
He looked reluctant to leave her. Clarissa fought off the impression that he cared for her well being. The image of her mother materialized in her mind. She scowled slightly and stepped back from Jace. He noticed, his eyes narrowing a fraction. "I'll see you tomorrow." She murmured, fixing her gaze on the ground.
He didn't say anything.
[]
Their next jog was awkward. The events of the day before kept Jace from engaging with her in conversation. Clarissa shut her mouth and moved along the track with him, trying to keep up with his pace. He was strides ahead of her. She grunted and slowed to a stop. Her legs ached and her arms were numb. She sat on the tarmac carelessly, her auburn hair matted to her forehead. She looked up to see Jace gone. He was probably making another round. Had she angered him? He never ran without her. Clarissa shook her head, keeping the message ringing in her ears: You're in control. Your mother needs this. You're doing this for your family.
When she heard footsteps smacking behind her, she turned and stood up, expecting him to halt next to her. He didn't. He didn't even look at her. Clarissa grabbed his arm but came up with the cloth of his sleeve. "What's up with you?" She demanded, making her way to face him. Jace was still inclining his head to the music, earphones shaking lightly. She scowled and snatched the accessory from around his neck. His expression hardened and his golden eyes were darker, almost black.
She opened her mouth. "Why are you acting like this?"
"Acting like what?" He took the earphones back from her hand.
"Don't play stupid, Jace. I know something's up with you." He swiped his hair back, an act of obvious boredom. She could tell he was irritated. She wouldn't back down, though.
"Nothing." Clarissa let out a disbelieving laugh. She turned away from him and started to the parking lot.
"Where are you going?" He asked, his tone accusing.
"Home." She replied, "It's not like there's anything to do here." She pulled out her keys and unlocked the front door. When she sat in the driver's seat, she leaned her head against the steering wheel. She shouldn't have been so furious and demanding. How was she ever going to make progress now?
A knock on her window made her scream. "What the hell?!" She shouted, her eyes wide. It was Jace. She frowned, waiting for her heart to calm down. She cracked open the door. "What do you want?"
Jace was watching her curiously, his hair nearly black in the night. He lifted his fingers to his neck. "I-" She waited. "I'm not good with this stuff."
She fought off the smile that was making its way to her face. "Jace?" Clarissa exited the vehicle. He appeared like he was struggling to say something. She moved to touch his hand, to tell him it was alright. Before she could, he kissed her. She fumbled backwards in surprise, but he held her steady. She relaxed slightly and opened her mouth for him. He wasn't nervous in his movements. He was confident, his skilled hands making their way down her shoulder blades to her sides. Clarissa felt him back her against the car. She touched his hair and he inched closer to her.
His tongue trailed across her bottom lip. She moaned involuntarily, her legs buckling. She gasped and tugged away from him. He looked wild. His cheeks were flushed and his mouth was crimson. She gripped the handle of the car door, her chest falling and rising drastically. Clarissa managed to peer up at him. "We can't..." She said.
"What?" He asked, reacting in the way she had expected. Jace was so close to her. He was making her thoughts blur together. She tried to breathe.
"Not here."
He understood and before she could say anything else, he replied, "My place. Can you come?" His expression was earnest. She wondered if she was just a fling. If after tonight, he wouldn't care much about her.
She swallowed and hesitated. "I don't know." She admitted.
"Clarissa." He began, taking a hand and lifting it to her cheek. Startled, she met his gaze. There was a tenderness in his eyes that she hadn't encountered before. "Trust me." He said simply, allowing his index finger to run along her lips. She trembled a little.
Her eyelids fluttered. "Okay." She echoed.
[]
Clarissa knew where he lived. She and Jonathon had known the location of his house for years. Now, she observed the back of his car. A Corvette Stingray. That alone could pay all her bills and rent them a decent apartment away from the city. She wiped her eyes, afraid Jace would notice the change in her attitude. While she still had time, Clarissa phoned her brother. He answered her on the first ring. "Jon?" She asked, feeling like a child again.
"Clary? Are you alright?" He sounded sleepy. He was probably at home now, ready to collapse from work.
She shuddered and made sure she wasn't far behind Jace's car. "I'm heading to his place now." She knew she was scared. She knew she was probably making Jonathon worried.
"Why are you crying? Did he try anything?"
Clarissa shook her head and sniffled. "No. I just-I just want to hear your voice."
She realized Jace had come to a stop in front of the grand mansion, a private estate that caused a bitter feeling to fill her chest. She quickly scrambled to dry her cheeks and listened to Jonathon's reply, clear as day, "I love you Clary. I wanted to hear from you too."
[]
She parked her car in the driveway and peered at the property. A fountain lay in the center of the front yard. Water spewed out of little statues, shaped like angels. She wondered how many stories the house possessed, how many homeless people it could take in. Jace waited for her, his hand launching a key into the air and back. When he noticed her reluctance, he assured her, "It's only my dad and I." All she heard was crashing waves in her ears. Valentine lived here. Instead of allowing her emotions to show, she let Jace take her by her arm.
When he unlocked the front door and entered, she noticed that everything was dark. No lights were turned on. She felt Jace move next to her, then something flickered and the space they resided in lit up brilliantly from a chandelier hanging elegantly on the ceiling. "My dad isn't home." He mumbled, removing his hoodie and launching it on a couch. She tried not to let her eyes wander. She tried to push down the envy that crept into her throat. "Come on." He guided her up a stairwell and into a room.
[]
Clarissa was a virgin. It wasn't something she was proud of, but in moments like this, she knew that fact would help her out. Jace's room was the size of her living space. It was plain and spotless. The only thing she noticed was a small book on his cabinet. The Great Gatsby. Her surprise at his preferences must have shown for Jace grinned, a rare sight, and said, "I'm really fond of that book."
She sat on the edge of his bed. "Me too."
His tawny eyes shined. Clarissa wondered why he was so different now, why he was so much more talkative. She watched as he leaned over her, a large mass, and gently pushed her body against the mattress. There was a warmth in between her legs that made her feel ashamed. She sucked in a breath when Jace's lips found her jaw, biting the skin there and turning it along his teeth. His hair was too long, fanning across her cheeks. Clarissa took his face in her hands and kissed him. His legs went on either side of her waist. His mouth was soft and his caress was firm. He pulled at the hem of her shirt and she complied, lifting her arms to above her head to help him out. Jace was breathing harder and she couldn't do anything but inhale through her nose. He was intoxicating.
She realized, with a thudding heart, that her bra was gone. Tossed somewhere on the carpet. She shivered when he kissed her breasts, the feeling sending electric shocks through her veins. "Jace..." She murmured, letting her eyes close.
And then her jeans were off and she realized just what she was getting prepared for. Clarissa heard some shuffling and he was back, completely naked. His chest was covered in tattoos, an art that spotted his muscles in magnificent designs. He was staring at her, his eyes black. "You're so..." Jace faltered. His words came out raspy and he ravished her mouth with a kiss, clasping her tightly.
Their foreheads touched. They gazed at one another, their bodies held together in a mess of legs and arms. Clarissa's breath hitched.
From there, everything went by smoothly.
[]
Clarissa awoke, a yawn escaping her mouth. She shifted and instantly remembered Jace and what they had done. She felt his head nestled against her bosom. She blushed, trying to not peer at his bare body. She focused on his face. He looked a lot younger like this. His lashes were long and curled, his lips parted. She rose up carefully and made sure she didn't wake up. Grabbing and abandoned bed sheet from the ground, Clarissa wrapped it around her figure and entered the bathroom. She needed to clean up and head home. She was torn between asking Jace what she was to him or leaving completely and forsaking her lifelong plan.
Clarissa stepped into the shower and let the hot water relax her. She rubbed some body wash on her thighs and winced. She was still sore. She wanted to lay down. She didn't hear the door to the bathroom open until Jace appeared, rugged and handsome in the morning light.
She grew weary at their proximity. Sure, the bathroom was large, but the tub could only fit so much. As if reading her thoughts, he slipped inside casually and tilted his face toward the shower head, liquid turning his hair darker and broader. He opened his eyes. They were a luminous hazel now.
"Your hair looks like it's black." He observed, his mouth curling upwards.
"What?" She asked, too focused on his features to listen to what he had just said.
He pointed to her head. "Your hair. It looks black."
She started to laugh. "You're so random."
[]
She didn't forget. She didn't forget. She didn't forget. Justice for her family, she'd never forget.
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