There were no thoughts for a while until I realized that the water was much cooler than when I had first submerged myself. Some distant part of myself recoiled at the thought of being submerged in cold water. I decided to get to work scrubbing away at the body trying not to focus too heavily on the curling runes and designs as I got to work. Once done with I found what I guessed was shampoo and worked it through my hair rinsing it extra just in case. By the time I stepped out of the tub the natural light that had been leaking into the room was muted. A little scrabbling around left me with an overly large and very soft towel which I wrapped around myself.
A glance in the mirror showed that I looked even better without the darkened layer that had dried on my skin. I didn't let myself look too long. It felt surreal and more than a little bit terrifying. There was something about my eyes, something flickering and chaotic that I didn't like.
Discarded on the floor, the oversized and mismatched clothing I had been given didn't present a pretty picture. All I could think of was the cold dark water that Amren had pulled me from and how it was still on those clothes. The remains of my transformation. My loss.
I stepped around the pile and glanced back into the large bedroom. The huge bed visually dominated the space. I wasn't sure what it was made of, but it looked smooth and was a pale white reminding me, fittingly, of the moon. Four long posts were at each edge, holding up a thin and wisplike curtain that surrounded the bed like a mist. I supposed it made sense that the bedroom had a night theme considering Rhysand was the High Lord of the Night Court. Whatever that exactly meant.
The windows on either side of the bed were covered with deep purple and blue curtains. The faint light that had been leaking from the sides of the windows was gone now, casting the room into a soft twilight.
I moved a bit further into the room pulling the plush towel even tighter against me. The door was shut, which encouraged me to wander a bit further out. A dark dresser sat against the far wall, but a dark spot on the bedsheets caught my attention. I carefully edged toward it and released a breath when I realized they were clothing.
A deep purple that almost looked black, they felt almost silken in nature. The bottoms were all loose fabric carefully styled so that when I put them on they flowed from my hips and cinched at my ankles. There were stars embroidered along the sides. Perfectly stitched from a shimmering thread. So tiny and perfect. The shirt was...different.
"You've got to be kidding me." I muttered and I tugged the shirt into place. "I'm not a Disney Princess, here." I sighed. It was very much like Jasmine's top in Aladdin. A type of crop top that showed off the newly flat and inked expanse of my stomach. It was solid around my chest, a tiny galaxy of stars curling around my torso, while the sleeves from my shoulders down to my wrists were shimmering and see-through. They almost seemed to be made to show off the curling black marks that I hated so much. At least they were comfortable and seemed to actually fit correctly.
The silence was almost unbearable. The sensation hit me like a truck. I absolutely hated how quiet it was. The twilight of the room should have bleached everything, rendering the world into a black and white ghost of itself, but I could still see the colors of the room. I knew without a doubt that the curtains were blue and purple.
Such a small change, but I felt panic flutter into my body anyways. I touched my chest and saw the flash of black and silver that was my skin. The unfamiliar proportions. A soft buzzing began at the edge of my hearing along with a pulse of pain from my chest.
"Fuck this." Before I could change my mind I threw the door open and tried retracing the same path that the twins had led me down. I had to think of anything other than the growing panic. I focused on the smooth feeling of the rock underneath my feet. Every so often there were lit lanterns on the walls, flickering with some kind of surreal fire. I could smell them burning. It reminded me faintly of the renaissance fairs, but it was missing the constant smell of cooking meat and the constant chatter.
The hallways were empty. Unnervingly so. I nearly cried in relief when I recognized the large balcony that Rhysand and Feyre had landed on. The moment the wind brushed over my skin I felt something within me quiet.
The horrible silence was shattered by the soft sighing of the wind. I slowly walked out into the open my feet hardly making a sound. The view made me catch my breath. This place was so high up. A city sprawled below, the lights looking like constellations brought to earth. The streets looked paved with starlight, like so many rivers breaking apart and twisting back through themselves all of them heading toward the shimmering line of the ocean. I could faintly hear music drifting through the air, almost swallowed by the near-constant presence of the wind. I moved on silent feet that did not quite feel like mine to a darker edge of the balcony. I tested the railing and when I found it steady I leaned forward, letting the wind toss my hair as it pleased. This was better, I decided, letting my focus soften and shift letting the world blur together in a dance of light and dark.
I wasn't sure how long passed before I heard the distant sound of wings. I glanced up and pulled myself further into the shadows, wishing with all of me that whatever it was wouldn't see me. Seen and Unseen. It was the edge of a whisper, like some half-forgotten lullabye. Overlooked. Unnoticed. I bit my lip and forcefully turned myself back toward the view shoving the cooing voices back down. They didn't resist. The landing was relatively quiet, and footsteps headed away and into the house.
Was it a house though? I twisted back looking at the strange architecture of the building they had put me inside. It was carved out of a mountain which made sense once I really thought about it. Even the balcony had to have been hewn from the mountainside.
I bet that the lights looked strange from far away. I turned away and once again watched the shimmering lights of the city. It looked like something straight out of a fantasy novel. The night sky wasn't polluted by the light beneath it. The stars looked like chips of diamond catching an unearthly light while the moon sat softly in the sky. I swore I could see more colors in the starlight than I had even been able to before. Another set of wings, and this time the landing was a bit rougher. There was a soft snicker.
"I wouldn't if I were you." Feyre's voice snapped. It didn't quite sound angry, if anything she sounded embarrassed.
"Of course not." Rhysand's smooth voice, only slightly tinged with laughter. The interaction had me smiling even as they walked away, leaving me to the cool night air. I tried not to think of anything at all. The cold slowly drained me of feeling, so even the body felt distant. I tried to make out the lyrics of the music, but it was simply too far away. The melodies were constantly broken by the wind leaving them beautiful but unfinished.
"There you are!" I jerked harshly at the voice almost instantly swinging toward the source. Cassian easily sidestepped my punch watching me seriously for a moment. I bit my lip and blushed realizing that I had tried to hit him. I tucked my hands behind my back, which prompted a smile from the massive guy. "I suppose Rhysand had no need to call Azriel to try and find you. Quiet little thing aren't you?"
"You were looking for me?" I asked trying not to sound as cautious as I was.
"Feyre and Mor went to check on you. Imagine their surprise when you were nowhere to be found. I almost didn't sense you over here at all." He pointedly sniffed at me. "Even your scent is muted."
"My what now?"
"Don't tell me there aren't scents where you're from." There was something strangely comforting about the huge man. The edges of his wings were crimson, backlit from the open doorways that spilled warm light into the night. I wondered if all Illyrian wings looked that way. Azriel's wings had been threaded through with darkness, while Cassian's seemed different. Lighter.
"Not in the way I think you're getting at. We can't track people by their scents." I tilted my head at him slightly. "I mean dogs can…" I let the statement hang in the air between us. The smile from before widened a fraction.
"I suppose a mortal with their dull senses wouldn't be able to track using scent alone." I knew he was being playful by the crinkle around his eyes.
"Mortal." I echoed softly a sense of dread settling over me, killing my calm mood. Cassian winced and rubbed the back of his neck. They kept saying mortal.
"I forgot." It took him a second before he spoke again. "You really come from a place where there is no wall?"
"There's the Great Wall of China." I offered trying not to sound too confused.
"China?"
It was my turn to wince. It was too much to wrap my head around. That this was an entire separate place than my home. "It's a country." I added as if it would jog his memory.
"I should probably bring you inside before he gets here." He muttered offering his arm to me.
"Who?"
Cassian simply watched me till I hesitantly took his arm. He smiled and led me toward the lights. "See, I don't bite." I could see him studying me in the light. "Unless you want me to."The look he gave me was just short of predatory, looking more amused than attracted to me. I narrowed my eyes and he chuckled. He expertly steered us through unfamiliar hallways. I heard them before I saw them.
"How is it you lost her?" That was Amren her voice as biting as ice. "Is it so hard to put the girl into a room for a few hours? Now we have no idea where she's hiding."
"She's not a prisoner." Feyre answered back a bit harshly.
"No, she's our guest." Rhysand sounded like he was soothing Feyre. I wondered vaguely why she seemed so upset. Cassian glanced at me his eyes serious once more.
"Seems Amren's in a mood." He muttered watching me closely. Right, I was some sort of enigma to them as much as their entire world was a mystery to me. Just like that we were entering a slightly crowded room. Feyre and Rhysand stood near a table, Rhysand's hand rubbing Feyre's shoulder. Amren was in a chair twisting to look to me the glare not wiped from her face. Morrigan was also there relaxed in one of the chairs not looking at all surprised that Cassian was escorting me in. With all of their eyes falling on me my feet stopped working. Cassian stopped the moment he felt resistance.
I wanted to disappear. Unseen. Overlooked. The voices chanted almost immediately. I shrank back trying to disengage from Cassian, but Feyre was already smiling at me.
"Nova." She used my name as a greeting.
"Hi." I mumbled all too aware of the multiple eyes looking me over.
"I see you were found." Amren's version of a greeting I supposed. It was rather rude actually.
"Found is an interesting way to put it." I answered back a flare of anger breaking through my stage fright.
"Is it?" Oh, her eyes. It was like something dangerous slithered behind them for a moment. Something we recognized.
"Yes." I tried to calm myself.
"Perhaps if you were not hiding yourself away we wouldn't have had to-"
"It's not my fault you're not perceptive." I snapped.
The room went still. Amren bared her teeth at me. "I would watch yourself girl."
"Why? Having trouble doing it yourself?" I tried not to shudder at the look that she gave me. "Listen, you don't know anything about me. I would think that someone else who had been in that...water would understand that maybe I need some time to decompress."
"There are worse things than that water."
"Yeah, I know." It was a soft confession but it seemed to hit her as if I had yelled it. "The place I was in before that was much worse than the water."
"What were you doing then?" It almost felt as if she had calmed down a bit.
"It was too quiet in my room."
Cassian glanced down to me at that. I avoided all of their gazes. I hated this. Maybe I should go find the kindly High Lord who had offered me asylum in his court. This dynamic didn't seem to have a place for me. Maybe someone there could help me get back to my world. Out of this imposter of a body.
"You feel trapped." Feyre pointed out those blue eyes seeing far more than they should. "Is it because of us?"
"No."
Morrigan sat up a bit her eyes going to Cassian then over my head. Then back to me a deep sadness in her gaze. Feyre looked a little confused and I sighed hating that she was somehow blaming herself for how I had been acting.
"I mean, yes and no." I tried to clarify. I shook my head and glanced to my feet. "I feel trapped but not by you or your," I paused glancing about the room, "court?" That was as good of a word as any. "It's the body. That's the worst thing."
"The body?" Morrigan asked sounded a bit horrified.
I glanced down to myself, letting alien fingers trace unfamiliar runes and perfect skin. "Yeah. It's like I'm some parody of myself. Like someone photoshopped me into their version of perfection."
"Photoshopped?" Cassian turned leaning against the doorframe revealing just the edge of another person. I yelped and threw myself backwards easily vaulting over the table and slamming into the far wall. The jolt of the impact scared me even more than Azriel who stood watching me impassively.
"This!" I hissed looking down at myself in terror. "I shouldn't move this fast. I shouldn't be able to vault over a table that easily." I could hear my heartbeat increasing. Heard it when it skipped a beat with the oncoming panic attack. From the sudden worry that flashed over the room I realized they could hear it too. It was too much.
The buzzing started again, and my fingers went numb. I could taste something metallic and my chest ached as my heart skipped another beat. Azriel was across the room in an instant his fingers going to my neck. He moved even faster than I could. I hardly saw him move at all. I tried to move away but there was a wall in the way.
Another skip. The buzzing had transformed into a roaring.
"What's wrong with her?" Cassian was moving to me as well. Too many people. I had cornered myself. Distantly I hissed at them baring my teeth like it was second nature. Cassian stopped moving. Azriel slowly removed his hand watching me with unreadable eyes. Something about the way they were all holding themselves cut through the panic. Made me worry about them.
"I-it's okay." I managed to stutter out. "I get heart palpitations," damn talking was hard, "when I have panic attacks." They shouldn't have heard it in the first place. Neither should I. My legs gave out and I slid to the ground closing my eyes. I focused on breathing. Counting each inhale, holding my breath and then breathing back out. "My anxiety isn't usually this bad." I felt the need to explain. "I mean, I get panic attacks but not all the time."
"Do you mind if I sit with you?" Feyre's voice was closer. I could hear her doing something and the feet near me moved away slightly. It made it a bit easier to breathe.
"Okay."
"It's a physical illness?" I could feel the heat off her skin, but she wasn't quite touching me.
"Yes and no. It's called a mental illness I guess." Not the best way to tell people about your mental illness, but they needed to know.
"Your body reacted to it physically. Your heart…" Azriel's voice this time. I wasn't sure where exactly he was, just that he was to my right.
"They're called palpitations. My heart skips beats when I have bad enough panic attacks." I felt detached. I was trying my best to reassure them even as the panic attack was still going. At least I could hear them now. It had to be fading. Quicker than usual.
"The Cauldron should have fixed any physical issues." Rhysand muttered.
"Mental." I corrected weakly. "Can it heal my mind too?"
"No." Amren answered immediately.
"I'm okay. Sorry." I breathed finally opening my eyes. Feyre at my side smiled at me knowingly. I knew then that she must have had at least one panic attack. The water gave me a perfect body but couldn't mend my mind. How funny. Broken and Whole.
By this point in the day everything felt too sharp. As if my senses were rubbed raw. I hated it. I hated that I could smell my own fear, metallic and strangely enticing. Whatever these people were, I could see there was something feral in every pair of eyes. Something inhuman and purely predator. I could smell them all. Feyre's scent was the strongest, smelling like pears and something floral. It was her that I found myself studying. Some deeper part of me wanted to look at the shadow wreathed man, wanted to take him in and memorize those cold features. I tried to ignore it.
"It's a lot to take in, isn't it?" Feyre's voice was soft. I nodded. I felt the stir of air that came with Morrigan standing and I found myself wincing. She easily pushed past the two winged men, and sat on my other side.
"You said….the body was the worst." She began. Feyre shot her a sharp look, but she acted as if she hadn't seen it. "Wanna talk about it?"
"I told Elain." I admitted. I didn't like the attention. Didn't want all of the extraordinary people watching me. Azriel looked as if he were cataloging my every movement, I wanted to shy away from him.
"My sister." Feyre smiled slightly.
"She's very kind." I said finding a hint of my own smile. Feyre nodded. "So are you." I told her honestly. She blinked as if the statement had shocked her. "You too." I said glancing to Morrigan. The smile she gave was radiant.
"What does that make me?" Cassian had taken to leaning against the wall just behind Azriel.
"Cocky." I shot back thinking of his little biting comment. Cassian was suddenly roaring with laughter.
"If you don't feel comfortable telling us," Morrigan began but I shook my head.
"It's okay. What do you want to know?" I owed them at least this much for taking me in. Saving me from that water, and the mad-looking High Lord with the claws.
There was a moment of silence in the room. "What do you mean when you say you're a parody of yourself?" Morrigan asked softly.
"I didn't look like this before…" I sighed looking at my too long fingers. "My proportions are all wrong. My arms are too long. So are my fingers." I fluttered them for effect.
"I thought the same thing when I was Made." That was Feyre. I couldn't help the slight astonishment on my face. The smile on her face suddenly made sense.
"Did it change everything too?"
Her smile flickered slightly. "Everything?"
I nodded. "My eye color, the rune things, my hair color and texture, even my voice." I had been trying to ignore that last one. "Not to mention the shape I'm in now. I mean I wasn't super out of shape but I didn't look like this." I muttered.
"That's...different." Morrigan muttered.
"Even your eye color changed?" Rhysand asked. I nodded.
"They used to be...kinda like theirs." I motioned toward Cassian. "But kinda golden-ish? Like amber."
"And you were human." Cassian said softly.
"Okay," I breathed threading my fingers together, "that's like the fifth time someone has mentioned something along those lines." I took a breath trying to steady myself. It was apparent that their answer to my question was going to rock the very foundations of my understanding of this world. I wasn't sure I wanted to know the answer. "You're not human are you?"
Silence reigned in the room. It was sharp-tongued Amren who answered.
"No."
It's okay, I told myself taking another steadying breath. The world wasn't falling out from underneath me. It was very hard not to flinch away from the group of not-humans. Of course they weren't humans, what humans had wings?
"Okay." I breathed looking down at my feet. "What are you?"
"Morrigan, Amren, Feyre, and myself are High Fae." Rhysand spoke. Something about him put me on edge. Like I could sense a sky's worth of something inside of him. While the shadows of the room seemed to flock to Azriel, it seemed like Rhysand simply oozed darkness. Wore it like a grand cloak.
"Cassian and myself are Illyrean." Azriel's voice was all darkness and cold. I wondered what exactly it meant that he was supposed to be my mate. That he claimed me. It certainly wasn't a choice he wanted to make. I jerked my gaze back to Morrigan realizing that I was staring at the shadow-wreathed man.
"Right." I mumbled. Morrigan smiled warmly at me. It cushioned the strangeness if at least a little.
"Are you going to cower on the floor all day, or are you going to be civilized and join us at the table?" Amren asked tapping her fingers on the table for emphasis.
"Okay." I slowly pushed myself up, and even then it felt a bit too fast. The others seemed to move back to their places at the table. Rhysand threaded his fingers through Feyre's and I found myself smiling at the action. Rhysand caught the smile and something in his eyes softened. Ducking my head I pulled out a chair and sat in it frowning slightly at the design. It was...off.
It wasn't until I saw Cassian sit in front of me with a groan that I realized the chairs were built so that they could accommodate wings.
"Anyone else want to drink?" Morrigan asked the table at large. Cassian almost immediately signaled that he was game. Rhysand sighed and pressed his hands into his eyes, some horrible tension in his shoulders. They all had that tension.
The blood soaked field flashed through my mind. Whatever had been happening before I showed up had to have been bad. I had never been in a war, but I was sure that was what I saw. A battleground. How many casualties were there? They had to have won, otherwise I doubted we would be here.
"I can leave." My voice was tiny in the room, but they all looked to me. Morrigan was frowning at the statement. Rhysand looked distant as did Azriel. Feyre seemed to be contemplating me. Cassian frowned along with Morrigan. "From what I saw you all must have fought some sort of war. At the very least a great battle. You all look so tired. Weighed down. I don't want to add to that."
"Where would you go?" Amren asked sounding almost bored. "Do you even know where you are? What of our customs? How do you expect to survive? Do you even know what you are, girl?"
"I can learn all of that as I go." I said with a bravado I didn't feel. "I was invited to the other court, I could just go there. Get out of your hair."
"No." Azriel's voice was so cold I shivered. I risked a glance at him, but his eyes stopped me dead. There was a strange rage there. A muscle feathered in his jaw as he took me in. Shadows twined their way up his neck moving like they were living things. Some part of me wondered if that response was voluntary.
"It's not a big deal." I told him. His face had lapsed back into an unreadable mask, but he kept his eyes on me.
"Are we not good enough company?" Cassian drawled.
"You're welcome here." Feyre said with enough conviction that I wanted to believe her.
"Here." Morrigan waved a hand and I felt myself lock up as a bottle of wine simply appeared on the table along with glasses for everyone. She quickly began pouring Cassian and herself a glass. Slowly I reached out letting my fingertips touch the glass. It was real, and slightly cold to the touch. Morrigan was looking at me the bottle in her hand.
I cleared my throat trying not to freak out at what had to be a regular instance in their world. "I'm more of a rose wine girl myself." She lifted her brows slightly. "I don't like bitter really." I admitted quietly.
"Hear that Amren? I guess that ruins your chances with her." Cassian chuckled. Amren hissed at his comment. He simply sent her a winning smile and took a sip of his drink.
It was Rhysand who waved a hand this time, and a new bottle appeared in front of me. I stared at it for a long moment. After the day I had, no one would blame me if I wanted a drink. Morrigan was already pouring a glass for Azriel, who when he looked at her his eyes softened just enough that I felt it like a blow. Something in me recoiled at the look in his eyes. I turned sharply away wondering just why that bothered me at all. I didn't even know the man.
"Nova." I glanced up at my name and met purple star-flecked eyes. "Stay for a while. See how you like our court. You're more than welcome to stay here in the House of Wind for however long it takes. Perhaps you can visit Velaris sometime."
"Right." I said softly. He smiled then glanced to Feyre who had eyes only for him. I turned away and listened as they all slowly began to forget I was there. They unwound, Morrigan teasing Cassian about the last time they went out for drinks. I kept quiet, mostly watching them all. Rhysand and Feyre eventually ducked out of the room bidding everyone a good night. On their fourth glass of wine, Morrigan mentioned some place called Rita's. Amren immediately got up moving to leave with a small wave thrown over her shoulder.
"It'll be good for us." Morrigan told the two men looking excited at the prospect. Cassian smiled and Morrigan echoed that smile. I watched them cave to the gentle charm she exuded. She bounced to her feet, the other two following suit, when her eyes met mine. "Come on." It took me a moment to realize that she was talking to me.
"What's Rita's?" I asked going ahead and standing with them.
"A place to dance and drink." Cassian answered for her. I was immediately shaking my head.
"I don't dance."
Morrigan's eyes slid over me, taking me in. "You can always do what Azriel does." She nudged him with an arm. I glanced at him and he met my eyes a wry sort of humor there.
"I drink." He answered my unspoken question. Something about the flash of humor in his eyes made me feel just a bit breathless.
"I'll take a rain check." I said with an apologetic smile. I reached out and grabbed my still empty glass and the bottle Rhysand had made appear for me. Confusion flitted through all of their faces. I let off a small chirp of laughter realizing that they must have different idioms here. "It means not this time." I explained.
"Huh. Okay, but next time." Morrigan warned with a smile. I found myself smiling back, more easily than I had smiled all day. It felt real. Her smile grew a fraction when she saw it. "We'll be back sometime later. If you need anything let us know."
The three filed out of the room, Azriel casting one last glance at me before he disappeared down the hallway. I stood for a good little while in the little room just listening to the quiet. Eventually I made my way out and tried to find my way back to the room they had given me. It was only after an hour of wandering that I realized I was hopelessly lost within the building. By that point I had started drinking straight from the bottle. The drink was wonderfully sweet, and hardly tasted of alcohol at all, but I could feel it buzzing in my system.
Panic tried to set in, but I pushed it away and instead sat myself down in a random hall feeling awfully heavy. I let myself simply exist, not worrying about the wrong body or the strange surroundings. The bottle was empty far too soon. I leaned back against the wall and told myself that I would get back up and try to find my way again in a few minutes.
"-lost her way?" Groggily I came back to consciousness recognizing the soft female voice.
"No one really showed her around huh?" That was Cassian. I blinked my eyes open to see the three of them, smelling heavily of booze, looking down at me.
"Oh! Hi there." Morrigan smiled freely at me.
"Heya." I answered glancing between the three of them. "I...um….couldn't find my room."
"Doesn't look to comfortable down there." Cassian offered a hand which I gladly took. The room only spun a little.
"I can take you there." It was Azriel this time. HIs face was still unreadable, but I nodded trusting him to help me.
"Night then!" Morrigan gave a jaunty wave before heading off to what I guessed was bed.
"You nearly made it there." Cassian told me with an amused chuckle before heading off after Morrigan.
"This way." Azriel offered his arm to me, and I blinked at the gesture. I took his arm, and blushed slightly at the old world charm.
"Did you have fun?" I wasn't sure why I wanted to talk to him, but filling the silence felt nice.
"Yes." Quiet and to the point.
"Do you all go to Rita's often?"
"Morrigan would drag us there every night if she could get away with it." Azriel said with slight amusement.
"She seems fun." Azriel nodded in response to my observation.
For a minute there was only the sound of our footsteps. He easily led me through the winding halls seeming to comfortable in the silence between the two of us. He paused before a familiar-ish door and I found myself smiling. Cassian was right, I had almost made it.
"Thank you." I took a step toward my door giving a small polite smile to him. The way he was watching me almost felt like there was an answer written on my face. If he looked at me long and hard enough he would suddenly understand what was going on. Like distant rolling thunder I felt a maelstrom of loneliness, confusion, and curiosity. All of it singing down that moonstone bridge.
"Goodnight." He bowed the smallest bit then turned, those huge wings causing a slight breeze as he headed back the way he came. I waited until he was fully out of sight before slipping into my room. The bed was massive and so very soft. I passed back out before I could think too much about anything at all.