I scurried away and found my way eventually to the large room where Morrigan had taken me to eat the first time. It was empty. The clatter of my tray sounded lonely.
I hadn't been avoiding anyone, I thought breaking a piece of bread off of the loaf and dipping it into the stew. Had I? I took a bite and lost my train of thought until the bowl was empty and the loaf was half gone. Once my desperation faded I took a bit more time, taking a small sweet bite of apple. I couldn't tell if it was starvation, or if the food here really was the best thing I had tasted in my life.
The accusations of the chef slowly wormed their way back into my thoughts. I hadn't intentionally avoided the others. And yet every time I had seen people or heard them I had moved away. Deeper into rooms I knew were empty. I had heard Morrigan a few times in my treks, and every time I moved away.
Guilt invaded and I found myself hunching over the remains of my meal. It wasn't that I didn't like these people, they had been more than nice to me. It was that I didn't belong here. I didn't belong in this body. I had a few times already crushed things with a show of strength that frightened me. Nightmares had begun to plague me, of that nothingness. Of the soft voices that ever so often sounded in my head. They were louder in dreams.
I closed my eyes and wished, for a desperate moment, that the nothingness had taken me.
"Oh!" A voice, not my own. I startled pretty badly, jerking to my feet and sending the large chair clattering to the floor. Morrigan watched me warily her hands held up in a gesture of peace.
"Hi," I said forcing myself to relax my posture.
"There you are." Morrigan looked at me as if I were some sort of flighty animal, moving slowly toward me. "Mind if I join you?" Now that my hunger had been sated my senses were slowly beginning to strengthen. I could smell her again, but compared to the food it wasn't too overwhelming. I nodded and she smiled moving to sit next to me.
There was the steady beat of her heart, off-kilter with the sound of my own. The soft rushing that was our blood. She bit her lip looking me over thoughtfully.
"I'm sorry if I pushed too hard." She sighed looking to the tabletop. Her fingers elegantly followed the swirl of a knot in the woodwork. "I should have realized all of this was new to you. It must be so different…" She let the sentence trail off and I found some deep seated desire to respond rise up within me.
"Nothing feels the same." I told her miserable. "Everything's too loud. Too big."
"Too big?" She echoed turning her body to face me a bit more.
"I tracked down the kitchens from smell alone." It felt dirty. Like it was somehow awful that I could use my senses that well. Like I was a monster slowly succumbing to my baser instincts.
"Yes, we fae have powerful senses compared to humans." Morrigan's brown eyes met my own. "It can be overwhelming."
Her sentences felt strange. Less like conversation and more like she was slowly trying to work apart the defenses I had unknowingly put around myself. I found myself nodding and could nearly hear the sharp thud as the wall I had been building lost another piece.
"Feyre said that she dealt with the same thing. As did Elain and Nesta. Your strength is different too."
"I've crushed a few things." I admitted sheepishly. She nodded as if it were perfectly normal to splinter wood and bend metal without meaning to. Maybe for these beautiful creatures it was normal. Morrigan's dark eyes seemed to be taking me in, holding that glint of other.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was quiet in the empty room. "We-" She seemed to catch herself. "I pushed too hard too fast. I just thought it would do you good to get out before you got lost in your own head." She sighed looking to the table. "I didn't think about how overstimulated you were."
"No, it's fine!" I hated this. She looked so sad and I couldn't bear the thought of it being my fault. "I'm feeling a little better now." The lie fell flat and Morrigan quirked an eyebrow at me.
"Velaris might be a bit too much for you right now, but maybe you'd like to do something else?" She offered reaching over and popping a slice of orange into her mouth. Almost without thought the refusal of her offer sprang to my lips. It stopped there, however, held by the accusations of Talison. It was obvious that Morrigan was trying to help me.
"I don't know." I muttered instead of outright refusing.
"Have you been to the sparring yard?" Morrigan was nonchalantly eating another fruit piece. I shook my head. She smiled and pushed herself up. "Come on."
Helpless I stood up and moved to follow her, only to stare at my dirty dishes simply sitting in the empty room.
"What about-?" I motioned at the table. Morrigan waved a hand and the plates were gone. I stiffened at the casual display of magic. They had seemed so surprised I didn't believe in magic. I could almost taste the air of that little tent.
"Hey," Morrigan was suddenly there gently taking my elbow and pulling to get me to move. "It's going to be okay. You're not alone."
I didn't speak as she dragged me up and up staircases, some of which I had explored. There was something oddly comforting about Morrigan guiding me. It wasn't too long before we stepped onto an open air platform. A breeze almost immediately brushed over me, curling around my face and arms. Softly licking up the back of my neck. All of it smelling faintly of rain and the sea. I had been inside so long I didn't realize that it was already dusk. The air held a soft chill and it took me a moment to realize that it had to be fall here. A figure was standing, bare chested, in the fading light their wings extended slightly.
Massive. Cassian is massive. The thought danced through my head as he turned towards the two of us, looking mildly surprised. The look quickly transformed into a smirk.
"There she is," he drawled walking over to us. I couldn't help but look at his wingspan. The strangeness of the situation hit me hard and I found myself retreating a step. Morrigan watched me warily. "I was wondering where you went."
"Hello Cassian." I said trying not to be intimidated. He was all sculpted muscles and perfect skin. The effect was rather disorienting up close.
"Nova, I was meaning to talk to you."
"What did you need?" I asked. He shook his head that cocky smile making its way back onto his face.
"No, it's what you need." He held out his hand and following an unspoken command I placed one of mine there. He turned my hand this way and that running a thumb over my palm. "You need training." He explained moving to pick up my other hand.
"I don't fight." I muttered trying not to be distracted by the feel of his thumb brushing over the pads of my fingers, then lower to my palm. Looking for calluses, I realized belatedly.
"You could." He said meeting my eyes with his hazel ones. Something about the color of them was comforting. "You need this. I offered to teach Feyre, Nesta, and now I'm offering you." He said dropping my hand finally.
"I don't-"
"You need to feel like you've gained back control of your body. You need to trust it again." He said quickly cutting me off. "Training can do that for you."
"He's a good teacher." Morrigan offered.
"I don't know…" I had just felt comfortable half being near Morrigan again, and now I was supposed to fight someone? In the far reaches of my mind I could hear laughter. "I mean…" It was so distracting. The more I focused on it the more it solidified as a real sound in my mind. I didn't trust the body. It was so unpredictable always getting overwhelmed by smells and sensations. Too strong for its own good. Cassian had always felt comfortable to me. Even now, bare chested and too close, I didn't really feel like running.
"How did you know that was an issue?" I asked finally. At that he smiled the smallest bit.
"Feyre and Elain were talking about you. Mentioned it might be an issue and why you've been avoiding everyone."
"I haven't been…" I began but the look both Morrigan and Cassian gave me was enough to steer my sentence a different way, "myself lately." I finished a bit lamely.
"Why don't you just try? See how you feel after?" Morrigan said gently. All at once I had a feeling Morrigan had been looking for me intentionally, and that Cassian had been waiting. I was a bunny caught in a trap set by wolves.
"Okay."
Cassian grinned and I knew that they had got me. I wasn't sure how, but he simply waved me over. I followed a bit hesitant but Morrigan simply walked past to make herself comfortable watching Cassian and me with a soft smile.
Cassian's wings flared slightly as I approached and I wondered just how much he used his wings as balance. Would it help or hinder?
"Make a fist." He instructed, his voice sounding a bit different than I was used to. I made a fist and he took it in his hands looking it over. "Good, at least you don't tuck your thumb automatically." He mumbled. He adjusted my grip a bit then nodded to himself.
He had some sort of pads that I had only seen in movies like Rocky. He put them on his hands then held them up, looking me in the eyes. "Hit me."
Obediently I swung my newly formed fist at him and bapped into the pad. His eyes hardened a bit. "Again." I swung again. "Harder." He muttered shifting slightly. I bit my lip and swung again. Cassian shook his head. "You've got to commit to it, Nova."
I swung again, a bit harder. But from the look in Cassian's eyes he knew I was holding back.
"Hit me as hard as you can, you won't hurt me." Cassian slammed the pads together and I felt my stomach twist slightly at how loud it sounded. How powerful. I took a deep breath in and then hit him a bit harder, satisfied with the sharp pop it made. "Stop holding back." Another hit. Cassian frowned heavily at me. "You're afraid of yourself." He stated quietly.
"I'm hitting you." I answered back.
"Really? It felt more like you were stroking me." Cassian said a new gleam to his eyes. I didn't like it. "There's somewhere a bit lower that needs some petting, if that's what you're inclined to do."
"Cassian." That was Morrigan. "Don't push too hard." She warned.
"If this is the effort you put into things, no wonder you've been avoiding us." Cassian said casually his posture going lax. "Hit me." He said when I stopped. I grit my teeth and hit the pad again. It came with a slight soreness. "Not good enough." He nearly spat at me.
Not good enough. It was a phrase I had heard a lot in my life. My childhood especially. Over and over again, that I wasn't doing enough. Wasn't trying hard enough even as I worked myself to the bone. Gave everything and more only to be met with disdain. To be hit.
I could nearly feel the force of it, slamming me down. Knocking the breath out of me. Abuse was what other kids had to deal with. The kids who were killed. I had always been told I was lucky. I was ungrateful. Unworthy. Not good enough.
Everything sharpened. I could smell Cassian's sun-warmed skin. His scent thick around me. Could hear his heartbeat, his blood, and every breath that rasped from his mouth. Anger, deeper than I usually let myself feel, roared through me. Not good enough.
I didn't think. My body moved quicker than I would have thought possible. All that trapped tension ripping through me. It almost felt good not holding back. Cassian moved bringing the pad up to intercept my strike. He had been baiting me, waiting for something to piss me off. I could feel it, my anger blazing. When my hit connected I felt the jolt all the way up my arm. It hurt, but some part of me didn't care.
I was more than enough. A mantra I had taught myself immediately rang through my head. Cassian took a step back holding his hands up in defeat. My anger was like a wildfire, all consuming. All I wanted was to wipe the grin that had started to form on Cassian's face. I burned with it. Felt that fire reach past me and travel down a moonstone bridge.
"Easy." Cassian's voice caught my attention again. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hit that big of a nerve."
I meant to tell him to go fuck himself, instead a low growl ripped its way out of my throat. Morrigan had moved toward us, but Cassian waved her off. An animal, it's what I felt like. Cassian simply stared at me, waiting. I took a deep breath trying to calm down. He didn't mean it like that. I knew he didn't know anything about my parents. Hell, he probably didn't know I could play piano or sing. That I loved books. He didn't know me, and that was my fault. He didn't know.
I turned away from him, stalking toward the edge of the roof needing to expend my energy in a way that wasn't attacking Cassian. I liked him, I reminded myself. I leaned against the railing and looked down, the sheer drop making my head spin a little. It was a good way to get rid of that pesky anger.
"I'm sorry." I could hear his cautious approach. Smell him. A strange musk that reminded me of nights spent in cold forests and a hint of something fresh and light. Like the sky had made a claim on him as much as the earth had.
"It's fine." The drop was really steep. I could see some of the other balconies lower down.
"We can stop now."
Did I really want to stop? I thought about it for a second. Despite the fact he hit a nerve he wasn't really hurting me. And it did feel good to actually use my body, strange as it was. I turned away from the drop and looked into Cassian's eyes.
"No." I rolled my shoulders, mildly surprised they didn't pop, and looked back up into hazel eyes. "If I'm going to do this it won't be halfway."
I tried not to notice the strange spark in his eyes. The way his mouth quirked up or the way Morrigan in the background grinned. He nodded once and led me back to the sparring ring.