The room was cast in the first thin watery rays of light from the oncoming sunrise when I finally opened my eyes. Even that light felt like it was too much. A dull throbbing in my head was quickly growing into a full blown hangover, even my body felt achy. I was, at the very least, warm. Though that wasn't usually the case when I woke up. I couldn't quite remember how I got back to my room. The last thing I could remember was the strange pulsing fae-lights and the haze that had slipped over the night. I remembered the feeling of bodies sliding against mine. Hands at my waist tugging and guiding me, then….

I groaned as a pulse of pain bloomed in my head sharper than the rest. Something wrapped around my stomach tightened slightly.

For a half-second I was frozen in horror. It was a thickly muscled arm that I breathlessly followed to see Cassian asleep next to me. The world ground to a halt. Without the cockiness that usually dominated his face he looked peaceful and beautiful. Powerful even in sleep.

There was no way that we….

I held my breath and tried to tug away from his hold, but he merely grumbled and without warning pinned me to his side, pressing me fully against the warmth of his body. He was still clothed, that had to count for something right? A quick glance under the covers showed me still in the dress that Mor had picked out for me. However it was riding dangerously high, showing a decent amount of thigh.

I wouldn't have slept with him, I tried to tell myself. And yet, he was handsome. Well built. Just being around him usually made me feel a little better about life in general. Then there was all the flirting.

Maybe I did.

It was so unlike myself that I shivered at the thought. For the first time I wondered if being Made had changed more than just my body. It was a sickening thought. It wasn't that Cassian wasn't handsome, he absolutely was. More than that he was as beautiful on the inside as he was on the outside, maybe even more so. But, I wasn't someone to just sleep with people on a whim. In fact, I hadn't slept with anyone ever.

It wasn't like there weren't any chances for me to fix that. I'd had people who were willing, but it didn't ever seem like an appealing prospect at the time. I bit my lip and tried to take in a steadying breath. Unbidden tears welled up and caused the ache to sharpen even more. My mouth already felt a bit dry, and crying was only going to dehydrate me more.

"That's not the response I usually get." Cassian grumbled quietly. He had cracked one hazel eye open, and was surveying me casually.

"Sorry." I muttered immediately trying to pull away. He let me, the arm around my stomach going slack.

"You feeling okay?" Cassian huffed as he forced himself into a sitting position. I followed suit pushing my dress down a bit.

"A bit of a hangover, and last night seems a bit blurry, but other than that I'm fine." I answered trying not to blurt out the real questions on my mind. Cassian stretched and his wings flared slightly behind him. I watched them, seeing how they looked nearly black in the low light. I had wondered if they could sleep on their wings without breaking them, but seeing them so close it made sense that they wouldn't just break under his weight.

"The answer is no." Cassian said tucking his wings against his back. I narrowed my eyes and tucked my hands back under the blankets. How did he know that I wanted to touch them? Know what that membrane felt like.

"I didn't-"

"We didn't sleep together." He said bluntly rubbing at his eyes. "It's what you were wondering right?"

"Oh! Ah well-" I started but Cassian simply chuckled.

"You looked worried." He said eyes running over me. I stifled the urge to run a hand through my hair. "Though if you ever get the urge I'm sure the ass beating would be worth it." He looked at me suggestively and I couldn't help but laugh at the little eyebrow wiggle he threw in at the end. I groaned and held onto my head.

"You wish." I shot back weakly.

"Water and food." Cassian grunted. "That's what we both need. Go get ready for the day," he nodded toward my bathroom, "I'll do the same and come back to get you for breakfast."

"Ordering me around this early?"

"Ordering people around is my job." He shrugged getting onto his feet.

"What is your job, Cassian?" I asked him quietly. "I know so little about where I am or who you all are."

"We've left you in the dark too long." He muttered to himself. "I'm the General Commander of Rhysand and Feyre's armies."

"They have armies?" A general. Cassian was some sort of general. And Azriel had mentioned himself as a spymaster…..he was a real spymaster. My stomach flipped on itself. Cassian nodded, either at my words or the look in my eyes. I wasn't sure if it mattered which at this point.

"Mor, Az, Amren, and I are considered to be their Inner Circle." Cassian reached out for my door. "We can talk about it more in a bit if you want, but first let's get ready for the day. I'll try to answer any questions you have."

I nodded and he flashed me a smile before ducking out of the room and leaving me alone. I tried not to think too much.

I took my time. Everything hurt, either from the excess of alcohol or the training I had been doing. I eventually was clean and wrapped in an oversized grey sweater and some soft black pants. It was the closest thing I had to a hoodie and jeans in my wardrobe. Which was my training clothes with a soft sweater thrown over top. After a decent amount of time there was a soft knock at the door.

"You take forever getting ready, you know that?" I called as I pulled the door open. My eyes met hazel eyes that were not Cassian's. Without thought I jumped back the smallest bit a soft squeak escaping me. Azriel watched me from the doorway. I forced myself to relax, even as his nearness clouded my mind in a strange mix of excitement, confusion, hurt, and hope. It made my head ache just a bit more.

"Hi." I greeted him quietly. Something felt wrong between the two of us, but I couldn't quite touch what it was. Yet at the same moment something felt undeniably right as if I wanted to cross the distance between us. I wanted the strange sense of friendship that we had achieved while people watching to reappear..

"Hello," He half-bowed as if he were some noble in court. Hell, maybe he was. I mean Rhysand was supposed to be like a King right? "How are you feeling?" The question felt nonchalant as if he were commenting about the weather but the thrumming in the back of my mind was filled with a strange kind of concern. Worry that felt familiar.

"Fine," I said trying to sound as casual as him, but instead I simply sounded stiff.

"Az," Cassian's sounded a bit surprised from further down the hall. "We were just about to get breakfast." I could hear him walk up, but he still hadn't shown up in the doorway. There was an invitation in his voice at which Azriel nodded. He watched me for a moment more then stepped out of the way.

I took my cue and quickly exited my room, closing the door softly behind me before following an uncharacteristically quiet Cassian to the large dining area. He plopped himself down across from me and motioned for me to sit.

I sat, watching as Azriel took a seat next to Cassian, both of them watching me. After a minute of their staring I scowled slightly at Cassian.

"Okay, first of all stop staring at me. Second I thought we were getting breakfast?"

A familiar grin spread across Cassian's face. "Someone's a bit snappy today. Can't hold your liquor? And don't worry, food is coming. They have to cook it first."

"I'll beat you." I playfully warned feeling a sense of relief in the give and take of our interactions.

"With what skills?" He shot back.

"Ouch." I held a hand to my chest in an overly dramatic fashion that had him chuckling. "I don't have to fight fair."

"I know where he sleeps." Azriel offered wryly.

"Two against one?" Cassian huffed looking at Azriel. Azriel glanced to me humor dancing in his eyes.

We can take him. I meant for the message to just be a look, but something had me pushing the thought at him. Instead it slid down that moonstone expanse. Azriel stiffened slightly his face closing off and his back going rigid. Without thought I leaned slightly away from him and looked to my hands, unsure of what was happening. Everything had gotten so complicated. So wrong.

"I'm going to check on the food. You two should talk." I glanced up at Cassian as he talked, but the last bit seemed to be directed to Azriel and was a bit harsher than the rest of his speech. He caught my gaze and gave me a reassuring smile before striding off in the directions of the kitchens.

There was a beat of silence.

"Are you happy?" Azriel's blunt question caught me off guard. I met his eyes and felt like I was drowning. His face was closed off, nothing to work off of to understand where the question had even come from. His voice was all coolness and shadows, nothing to discern there. I bit my lip and looked away.

"Of course."

"I'm calling in our bet." Merciless and cold. I glared up at him but he didn't back down. I sighed and looked to my hands, to the black runes outlined in silver.

"I want to be."

He waited, and I could feel that silence stretched between us. I knew he was probing for more but I wasn't sure I wanted to tell him anything about myself. I didn't have to, I had answered truthfully. The longer the silence was the more I noticed. I could hear his steady heartbeat as he waited for me to spill my guts. Unbothered by the fact that I was bothered by this conversation. Uncaring.

Not true, pretty traveler. I jerked my entire body going rigid at the voice I had thought I had gotten rid of. You cannot rid yourself of us. It laughed. I hated it.

Displaced. It whispered to me. Lost in a foreign land, in a foreign body. Your gifts untouched. I hunched in on myself dropping my head into my hands not caring that I was being watched. A Mate conflicted. It laughed. Poor thing. Pretty thing. The voices sang. I wanted out. I wanted to escape it all, it was all too much. How you long for that which you cannot reach.

I tried to push the voices away, but they danced away from my efforts laughing. Accepting yourself will bring you peace, young one. It was almost like they were taunting me. I must have made some sort of sound, because suddenly there were hands grabbing my own. Pulling them from my face, holding them. The voices were stronger than my senses, stronger that the feel of those hands. Happiness and Sorrow. To be so close and yet so lonely. Unaccepting, but drawn together. How he reaches for us, how we long for the unknown.

"Please just shut up." I hissed at them. Something deep within me stirred, something older than time itself yet it was me. My will incarnate, older than the mountains I currently stood in. A small piece of everything that was somehow me at the same time.

Something touched my face, pulled me against something warm and solid. The moonstone bridge flared, brighter than it ever had been before, and I could nearly see the presence on the other end reaching out for me. Instead of terrifying though, I was relieved beyond belief. I reached back, and the laughter faded. The roiling energy at my core quieted until I could finally see again. The dining room swam into focus and Azriel was mere inches from me, his hands framing my face.

The world seemed to hold its breath.

"There you are." He muttered seeming to note that I could see him. I was ashamed, ready to explain or run away, but he cut me off before I could begin. "Just breathe." He ordered that midnight voice hard with command. I took in a breath almost on instinct.

It was easy to listen to him, to just breathe, watching him like a drowning woman watched land.

"I hate this." The words poured out without my permission. "I wish I would wake up."

"What do you mean 'wake up'?" Azriel's hold on my face didn't falter. I honestly didn't expect this kind of gentleness in him.

"This place, you people, can't be real. Magic isn't real." All I wanted was to run, but there was something unbreakable about the moment. Like his mere touch had made me weak. Unable to pull away or resist the demand in his eyes. "Everything here is wrong."

"Why would you be dreaming for so long?"

"I-I don't know! I must have hit my head when I fell. This is all some fever dream preluding my death!" I blurted finally finding the strength to pull away. To jerk out of his light hold. To begin pacing back and forth, unable to stop myself from putting distance between me and the dark handsome fae. "I could be in a coma."

Az moved toward me and I stalked outside onto the balcony trying to keep the distance between us. The air was too cold on my superheated skin. Everything felt wrong. Sickly.

"I could have gone insane." The moment I said it I could hear the distant echo of laughter that was mine and not mine at the same time. "No sane person hears fucking voices. No sane person feels emotions that aren't theirs."

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. This was all just some stupid dream. I could be lying in bed right now, at home.

"Voices." Azriel met my eyes as I paced. "You can hear the book still." His face was so empty. Almost completely absent from what was happening. Absent from me.

Work had been getting stressful lately. And with the car troubles I was more exhausted than ever having to walk so far to work. It made sense, in a horrible way, that this was simply a way for me to escape. This whole world filled with beautiful people who seemed to actually want me around. A world where I was beautiful too. Where I could maybe learn to be part of a family, a real family. To have friends that didn't abandon you at the first sign of trouble. A magnificent and clean home carved into the side of a mountain overlooking a city of stars instead of a too small dirty apartment that I couldn't bring myself to clean. A roommate who didn't help much, and only really seemed to look for me when rent comes around.

Of course my mind would try to come up with a whole other existence for me. A place where my parents couldn't find me. A place where my scars were gone. A whole body that they hadn't touched.

The realization had me stopping. Had me putting my hands on the balcony rail, looking out over the city. Velaris was such a pretty name, I wondered if I would remember it when I woke up. I would write it down if I could. I would write about all of them.

"I don't know why you were chosen to come here," Azriel began quietly his voice like the most beautiful music I had ever heard, "or why you were merged with the Book of Breathings." Something in me stirred at the name, like some nickname I had been called long long ago. "But you are here now. You belong here, and you are not dreaming. Allow me to prove it to you."

How typical. I nearly laughed. Everything up until this point had felt so real. So entrenched in feelings I didn't understand. This is no dream. It was the most sober I had heard the voices. None of this mattered. All the tethers holding me back were suddenly gone. I closed my eyes and could nearly feel the weight of my blankets. My real body, warm and safe at home. There was one surefire way for me to wake up. I had done it a million times, it wouldn't take long at all. Dying in a dream was the easiest way for me to wake up, and I didn't even have to truly die. Just throwing myself off of this balcony would be enough. I'd be awake before I reached the ground.

"Is it weird that I wanted to get to know you more than anyone else here?" I asked Azriel turning to study the elegance in his features. He was always so much harder to read than the others. Yet everything in me wanted to know more about him. "You're always so closed off, but I can tell you're lonely." It didn't matter what I said now. The relief of it was tangible. "I hope you know you're surrounded by people who truly love you." The weight of this imaginary world lessened.

Azriel's facade cracked the smallest bit. He took a half step back, like what I said had physically hit him.

I looked to my hands resting on the stone. It felt so real underneath my too-long fingertips. But dreams had always felt real to me. They had texture just like the real world. I thought about the deep seated sadness in Azriel and I ached for him. Wished I could take it from him. But I couldn't stay here. It was time to go home. "It's sad, but I wish you were real." I admitted softly. His problems seemed a reflection of mine. Like he was a part of me I had never acknowledged before. He belonged with me, and I belonged with him. I could feel it in every molecule of these bones. "I wish that you realized you belong with them." I closed my eyes readying myself for the plunge. "I wish you realized that you deserve it." Utter devastation rang through my head. Like breaking glass it razed my senses, but I didn't mind anymore. It was going to be gone soon.

I wished that I deserved it. To be loved.

I threw myself over the ledge, feeling my stomach flip at the sudden change in gravity. The wind tore at me, merciless and I opened my eyes to watch the ground as it rushed toward me. Time slowed as I waited for the inevitable jolt that would have me sitting up in bed. The jolt that would shatter this pretty world into stardust and hazy memories.

It didn't come. Instead the ground grew closer, the wind grew colder, the body filled with adrenaline, my heartbeat became thunderous in my ears, and icy fear washed over me. I should have woken up. It was the one way I had always woken up, and if I hadn't yet then it meant only one thing.

This was real.

I was going to die.