"This way, Nova." Zellos tugged at my hand, pulling me through the crowd toward a different market stall. I tried to keep up with his boundless enthusiasm. Zellos was nothing but light and life all the time. Always rushing me from one place to the next like a whirlwind given solid physical form. The fae here respectfully stepped out of our way, a large number of them watching me curiously. The moment Zellos stopped us in front of another stand the gentle smell of chocolate and spices wafted around us.
"Chocolate?" I asked hopefully. Zellos chuckled and nodded.
"It's a drink. It's one of my favorites actually. I had hoped you would try it." He gave me a small smile. I nodded and was pleased to see him smile just a bit wider.
It had been a few days since Beron had decided to officially welcome me to his court. It had felt unpleasant, but I hadn't dreamed of Azriel and the night court since that day. Zellos had been nothing but courteous, wanting to wait a few days before we went on our first 'outing', but he visited me every day. He showed me his favorite places in the palace, courtyards draped in golds and reds. He always touched me, casually and without thought. Even now he was holding my hand as he chatted amicably with the drink maker flashing me smiles to make me feel like I was included.
The second day he had visited me while I was resting from my injuries he had brought with him a deck of playing cards. They had suits I didn't recognize, but he was patient in teaching me the basics. They were based on the four elements rather than things like clubs, aces, hearts, and diamonds. Though he got me to draw out what a playing card looked like in my world. He was endlessly fascinated with my world.
"Here, but be warned," Zellos said pressing a mug carefully into my freehand, "it is hot." He took a moment to pointedly blow on his before taking a small sip. It didn't take anything for me to get my hand back, just a slight tug and I was freed. I held the mug in both my hands relishing the gentle warmth that radiated into my hands. Autumn was usually just this side of being cold, my favorite weather. I blew slightly on the drink before taking a small sip.
Hot chocolate had never tasted this good back home. It was sweet, but not overwhelmingly so. Spices, something warm and autumn-like were also in the drink adding a slight kick to a classic drink. I took a larger sip and winced slightly as it burned my throat going down.
"I told you it was hot." Zellos laughed nudging me. I wrinkled my nose at him in response.
"Fire cannot kill a dragon." I shot back pleased with myself.
"Is that so?" That strange mischievous twinkle entered his eyes again. "And here I thought you were the fair maiden in distress, waiting for her prince." He posed dramatically, which was immediately shattered when the drink sloshed over his hand. Zellos cursed and shifted the mug to his other hand waving the burned appendage frantically. I laughed.
"I wait for no prince. If I have to, I will rescue myself."
"That, I believe." He said with a warm smile. "You've done it once already."
I frowned to myself looking into my drink. I hadn't rescued myself from the night court...had I?
"No no no," Zellos laughed at my clumsy attempts to replicate his hand movements. "The short edge of the card has to sit here." He tapped my middle finger. "It's all about tension." I curled my finger just a bit more and felt the card finally stay. "Great!"
"Okay, so tension is the key." I muttered.
"Now curve the rest of your fingers over it like so," he pulled my fingers to rest gently over the rest of the card so that it was hidden from sight. "Now all you have to do is grab the card as you bring your other hand through this little tunnel you've made."
Zellos demonstrated, quickly jerking his hand forward and just as magical as it had looked when he first showed it to me, the card seemed to appear out of thin air.
"It's all about practice, making the movement look natural." He flashed me a quick little smile. I took a quick breath and jerked my hand forward catching the edge of the card as I did so. Zellos beamed.
"Almost perfect. Don't flare your fingers so much when you make the grab."
"There's so many books!" I gasped in delight. Zellos merely smiled his hands in his pockets. Giving me the space I needed to truly enjoy the palace library.
"Take any of them you want. Read to your heart's content, Mate. Father won't mind in the slightest."
"Anything I want?" I asked, giving him a small but genuinely pleased smile. "He really won't care?"
"You are my Mate, you will want for nothing."
"You're doing very well." Zellos said as he reigned his horse next to mine.
"That's only because the horse is smarter than me." I said cautiously giving the fae mount a pet. It cocked an ear back toward me and shifted it's gait to be just slightly smoother. There was something magical about riding through the woods on a silver coated horse.
"So, you like him?"
"Yes," I hummed, running a hand down his thick neck. We were close enough to civilization that smoke was still on the wind, but the trees had closed in around us. Sheltering us from the world at large. It had taken me a few days of practice to understand how to guide the horse. My thighs were killing me already, but I had started to grow attached to the big silver colt. I liked our outings, and the more time I spent with Zellos the more I counted him as my friend. It didn't quite feel the same as my relationships with Cassian or Mor, but it was a gentle friendship all the same.
"Good, you'll have to name him then." Zellos said, sounding pleased with himself.
"What?" I reigned the colt to a stop staring at Zellos astride his huge black Stallion.
"He's yours." Zellos smiled widely at me. "I saw how much you liked him and so I haggled with his former owner. He's yours now, it was made official yesterday."
"I-I can't own a horse! I don't know what to do with him!"
"You'll take care of him. Ride him. I can show you how to do it all." Zellos laughed. "Though I suspect mucking out stalls will be a task more for our stablehand."
"You didn't have to do this." I said, feeling a bit overwhelmed by the gesture.
"Nonsense." Zellos spurred his mount forward easily and I followed suit.
There was a long moment where we simply rode. The rhythm of the silver colt's footsteps streaking lines of fire into my thighs. Rain was on its way, I could smell it in the air. Feel it in the wind. Despite the ground being littered with roots and the like, the silver horse easily walked over it. Showing a bit of it's true nature in the easy navigation of such harsh terrain.
"But….it's a fae horse!" I burst out.
"Yes, he matches you perfectly." I tried not to wince as I once again remembered what I was. What was taken from me.
"Right," I muttered.
A few small creatures darted across our path here and there, but none of them spooked my silver friend. I found myself petting him, realizing that I liked to think he would stay with me.
"What….what if I don't stay here." The confession was small. Zellos looked at me, eyes flashing for a moment before he looked back ahead.
"He would be yours, to take as you see fit. Though, I would hope you would stick around a bit more. I have so many things to show you. We have so many places to see and experience together."
"I'd like that." I said, and it was true. I wanted to do more things with Zellos, it was fun. It felt easy, unlike my previous relationships that had felt so horribly complicated. So many lives and sorrows twisting together. Zellos wasn't like that at all. He was carefree, and seemed content to just have me nearby. He hadn't pushed me. And now he even wanted to gift me this sweet silver boy.
I didn't mind staying here. I liked the uncomplicated life he had begun to set up for me. I didn't need the heartache of the night court.
But then, why did the thought of never going back hurt so badly?
"Your name is Shadowfax." I told my horse. "Lord of all horses and faster than the wind itself." As if in response and agreement Shadowfax picked up his speed, moving us quicker through the undergrowth. I smiled at Shadowfax, and Zellos smiled at me.
"You were a librarian." Beron asked politely. If he noticed that I flinched a little when they brought up my past, the world I lost, he didn't show it. The table was laden with rich and heavy food. I nibbled on a piece of bread using the action to give me some space to breathe.
I tried not to show my panic. Zellos had gotten his entire family to join us. Despite my growing friendship with Zellos, his family gave me the creeps for some reason. Beron, as nice as he had been, had an air of 'do not fuck with me' at all times. When I mentioned that to Zellos he laughed and had told me I didn't know just how right I was. His mother seemed pale. Too quiet, always keeping her eyes downcast even to her own children. Zellos thought nothing of it, said she was shy and recovering from illness. His brothers felt like a wolf pack, all of them eyeing me looking for something. They seemed a bit upset at their brother, none more so than the one called Eris. He was watching me the most. Golden eyes searching me like I was the answer to a question he hadn't yet asked.
"Yeah, but I mostly worked in IT." I said quietly.
"IT?" Beron asked mildly.
"Never heard of that." One of the brothers said chuckling.
"Information Technologies." I replied softly.
"She helped upkeep a grand network of intelligence." Zellos said pride ringing in his voice. While that's what the internet was, that wasn't really my job. But, the respect that shined in his brother's eyes stayed my tongue. I bit my lip and looked back toward the heavy meal. I hadn't been hungry since I had fallen into autumn court. Even nibbling on things made me feel a bit nauseous.
You are surrounded on all sides by the enemy, letting down our guard isn't the wisest move here. For all we know they'll poison us as they did the woman.
The fork fell from my hand and clattered noisily to the table. Much like wolves all of them seemed to snap to attention at the sound. Zellos put a warm hand on my elbow.
"Are you okay?" He asked softly. I tried not to react to the voices, rising up once more to invade and tear apart my mind.
We are part of you, pretty traveler. They chided as one. You are in danger, seek out your mate and put an end to this.
"Fine," I said, rubbing at my injured shoulder. The wounds had closed up, but they were healing slowly. Apparently a large part of the poison other than paralyzing was to slow down our healing process. Beron assured me that it would leave no scar or lasting damage. It didn't hurt at this moment, but it was an easy excuse to use. No one would question it.
Zellos frowned, obviously upset with my being in pain.
Is it obvious? I picked the fork back up smiling at the pack of them. The Lady of Autumn caught my eye. She looked upset. Zellos turned back to his meal and she narrowed her eyes slightly looking between us. Disapproval rang loud and clear across to me. I ducked my head looking back to the glazed duck that Zellos had generously piled on my plate.
"Running an intelligence network, that doesn't quite seem to fit you, little brother." Eris said lightly. "Such an intelligent young female seems a bit out of your league. Not the best match by far." His eyes met mine, and there was a hunger there that twisted my stomach. I couldn't bring myself to take a bite.
"Only the Mother knows why we were chosen to be mates." Zellos said, easily catching my hand in his. Compared to everyone else in the room he was a safe spot. My friend. We had spent enough time together over these past few weeks to at least be that.
But not something more. You know where your bond lies. You push it away even now. As if in response the moonstone bridge that I had carefully avoided all this time flared softly, just enough to bring my mind to it. It had been steady all this time, a sense of darkness that only seemed to grow on the other side. Fear, confusion, rage, jealousy, all of it swirling like a malevolent storm in the distance.
"Yes, I suppose there's no rhyme or reason that we can see when finding Mates." Eris nodded his agreement with Zellos. "I mean, just take Tamlin's once bride. Who knew that she would end up mated to Amarantha's Whore."
"Don't call him that." The words ripped out of me low and menacing. Eris ticked his head to the side slightly as he looked to me.
"What?" He leaned forward a bit. "Do you have a soft spot for him?"
"Of course she doesn't, she hates the nigh-" Zellos began.
"They took me in without knowing anything about me. They're good people. Rhysand was always courteous to me." I snapped.
"Yes, he also kept you cloistered."Beron said, actually seeming interested for once.
"I wasn't exactly in the best state of mind." I hadn't really thought of it till now, but they had been trying to help me fix myself. They had been trying to get me comfortable in the body before anything else. If I had stayed I might actually feel at home in the body now. Yes they should have told me more but-
"You don't seem fragile to me." Eris flashed me a dangerous smile. "Such a fighting spirit. She really doesn't suit you brother."
"Eris." Zellos warned in a voice that I didn't recognize. Nearly immediately he turned to me the darkness on his face shifting to understanding. "I understand, Mate. Of course you would hold a spot in your heart for those who helped you. You're a kind soul." He took and patted my hand, and I felt a little bit of the tension in me relax. Zellos understood. He always tried his best to understand me.
"Yeah." I breathed giving him a small smile.
Dinner passed slowly, tortuously. But eventually I made it through the probing questions from the men, and the disappointment and sadness radiating from the Lady of Autumn. They all left, leaving just Zellos and myself alone.
"Wait here a moment, we can go riding again." Zellos promised giving me a grin. I found myself grinning back. Riding Shadowfax had become a way for Zellos and I to escape the court for a bit. He rushed off, and I nearly screamed when the chair nearest me was callously pulled back.
"Azriel's mate, huh?" Eris looked me over. "I can see it." He looked very much like his brothers and mother. They all had her auburn hair, but where Zellos looked a bit boyish, Eris was nothing but strong masculine lines. Golden eyes that seemed sharp and vulpine, much like his father's.
"Your brother is supposed to be my mate." I corrected him nervously.
"Supposed to be." He echoed back triumph dancing in his eyes. "But you don't feel that do you?"
"I like Zellos."
"Does he make you feel the same way as that Illyrian?" There was no softness to his words. He didn't tip-toe around the subject. Eris was nothing but brash and harsh when speaking. Cruel even.
"That's none of your-"
"Doesn't it make you wonder? Haven't you been here about the same amount of time as you were there? Shouldn't things have snapped into place by now?"
"Why are you talking to me?"I asked. Eris grinned lazily and caught my shoulder, digging in enough to cause pain as he leaned in. His breath brushing against the sensitive shell of my ear.
"You're a pawn in this little game. The sooner you figure that out the better." Eris said lowly. "For someone who seems intelligent you're being a bit dense. Playing into people's hands is never a smart move."
"You don't know anything." I growled trying to pull away. He simply held on tighter drawing a small pained gasp from me.
"Oh yes, I don't know my own little brother well in the slightest. Did you know after me he would be next in line for the throne. Why, he might become heir if he had something powerful on his side. An edge on the competition so to say."
"What do you mean?"
"How about instead of Zellos you marry me?" Eris said laughing and pulling back. "We would make powerful little Fae children, wouldn't we?" His smile twisted into a slight leer as he dragged his gaze over my body. "I'm sure bedding you would be fun."
I felt my mouth pop open and revulsion shiver from deep within me. "Never."
"Wouldn't you like to be the new Lady of the Autumn Court? You'd be waited on all your life. Never have to lift a finger, except to raise our small ones."
He read the answer on my face and laughed even harder throwing himself back into his chair. "So you'll do it for my brother but not for me, huh?"
"No!" I burst out. Just the thought of someone putting their hands on me in that way made me want to vomit.
"No?" He echoed back his voice serious though his eyes still danced with laughter and cruelty. "Well that does throw a wrench into their plan, now doesn't it."
"Eris." Zellos' voice was sharp. In an instant he was tugging me out of my chair and away from his brother his eyes promising murder. "What did he say to you? Are you okay?"
"My offer still stands should you ever want to be with a real male." Eris said all seduction and bravado. Zellos went red in the face.
"Come, Nova." He muttered darkly, dragging me away from the dining room. "Please ignore my brother." His voice was hard with barely contained anger.
"He-"
"He's an ass, and loves to watch people squirm." Zellos told me meeting my eyes. "Everything he says is a lie or manipulation." He added slowing a bit when he noticed that he was dragging me a bit more.
Everything? It didn't seem like a lie. Despite his harsh delivery and his advances he did bring up a good question in my mind. All of this was supposed to end in marriage for Zellos. He wanted to be with me in all senses, but I didn't see him in that way in the slightest. Was it rude to keep letting him take me about, building himself up on a false hope? Would I ever actually want to be with him like that?
When Azriel had touched me, as much as I didn't want to think about it, it felt like the world melted away. A single touch or look could rivet my attention so fully that I forgot everything and everyone. I had never struggled not to look or think about a person like him. It felt grander than anything I had ever felt before.
Even heartbroken and grieving over his feelings about Mor I wanted to go to him. Be near him. But it wasn't just that...the night court was nice. I loved Cassian and Mor. I missed sparring with Cassian, hearing his sharp retorts and fake flirting with him. I missed Mor's honesty, even if she could still keep things from me. Seeing the real her was like seeing a beautiful sunrise. I didn't fault Azriel for loving her. I couldn't help but love her too.
Those friendships felt real. Solid, despite the time and distance. But here…
"Let's go riding." Zellos urged even as he walked a bit slower and matched my pace. "I found a waterfall today that is just beautiful." He chatted on.
Zellos felt like a friend. I could stay a little bit longer for him. Give him more of a chance. He deserved it.
"You seem stressed." I told Zellos, looking at him worriedly. More and more lately he seemed angry. Frustrated. He was currently tugging at a frayed edge of the blanket we were laying on, tugging it apart thread by thread.
We had ridden here on our horses, another new spot for Zellos to show me in his land. The meadow was covered in moss, soft as memory foam. It dripped from the surrounding trees, making a small retreat just for the two of us.
"It's nothing." He waved my concern away pulling out his deck of cards. It didn't take him long to shuffle it, the motion seeming to center him at least a little.
"Zellos."
He gave me a slight side smile. "Have you ever had a mission, one that was very important, and it felt like you were failing?" He asked a slight bitter edge entering his voice.
"You feel like you're failing something?"
"A task," he clarified.
"What task are you failing?" I asked watching his hands as he twisted a single card in his fingers.
"My father thought that my particular talents would be well suited for dealing with a certain prisoner, however they're not warming up to me like I thought they would."
"A….prisoner?" I frowned a bit. They held prisoners here.
"Don't worry, they won't hurt you. Nor will I let them interfere with our time together." He assured me, quickly reaching over and patting my knee. I flinched slightly away from the unexpected contact. Zellos' frown deepened a bit more and he went back to tugging at the blanket, his card trick forgotten.
"Why are you supposed to deal with a prisoner?" As if noticing the distressed notes in my voice Shadowfax wandered over, nudging at me. I pet his nose, happy for the distraction.
"Father likes to call me charming." Zellos sighed laying back to look at the small bits of sky visible through the tree branches. "So people tend to relax more around me. It makes prisoners more willing to talk to us."
"What did the prisoner do?"
"They were spying on us. They originated from another court. I'm supposed to get them to like me, so that my father can use them to protect our court, but I haven't made much progress really."
Shadowfax lipped at my fingers, and upon finding no snacks, moved a few feet away to eat at the moss. I wiped horse slobber from my fingers and turned fully to Zellos.
"I don't know why you would need to get a prisoner to like you, but I'm sure you'll do a great job."
Zellos watched me for a long moment, those deep green eyes searching my own. After a moment his nose crinkled the slightest bit and he began to laugh looking back up toward the canopy.
"I hope so."
Night was the only time I really felt like myself lately. Zellos was always dragging me around to new places, teaching me to do new things. He had even gotten me my own card deck to practice tricks with. They were shimmery and the symbols were a shining gold. Part of me guessed that it was real gold inlaid in the cards. I tried not to think about it.
Anytime during the day, if I were by myself which was rare, Zellos' family was always there. I often caught his mother watching me if we were near each other. She looked upset at me all the time. Eris leered at me. Beron, just being near him made my skin crawl. There was something about this family that rubbed me the wrong way. Part of me missed the Night Court. I missed Cassian's teasing, and Mor chatting with me.
I was always being watched here. I could tell that much. But at least Zellos seemed kind enough. Was it enough to keep me here though? I didn't feel for him the way he felt for me. I didn't feel a bond with him. The only bond I felt at all was the strange bridge, and I had been studiously distancing myself from it. It felt….grey now. Shrouded in mist.
My room, still way too bright and cheery colored, felt suddenly very small. Zellos was nice, but I wasn't happy here. I knew that. There were moments….however brief….where I had felt at home with the others. But I didn't fit with them. Would they even want me back now that I had shunned them? Now that I had run away.
Before I could really think about it I was out of the room and moving through the halls, my bare feet hardly making a sound. I trailed by the kitchen and grabbed a few apples then made my way to the stables, noting how many of the guards that were posted absolutely everywhere here followed my movements. A few changed their direction to watch me.
"Restless?" A familiar soft voice asked. I glanced up to see the stableboy, currently mucking out a stall, who had paused to lean on his broom. "Thinking of taking a ride?"
"No," I said glancing down to the soft gold nightgown that I had been given to sleep in. "Just wanted to visit my horse." I flashed the apples at him. He nodded to himself and went back to his work. Shadowfax was awake when I got to his stall, almost as if he were expecting me.
"Hey buddy." I said reaching up to hand him an apple. He took the treat readily, and I watched him eat. There was something calming about him. His eyes were intelligent, more so than I expected. He huffed at me a loud sound against the night. "I'm a bit….flustered." I told him quietly. "I miss them." I hardly spoke brushing my hands against his face. "I can't go back to them." I told him. He huffed at me a bit sharper this time and nudged at my hands. I ran my fingertips over his velvet nose. "No matter how many….dreams I have. They're not real. And even if I did go back, what would await me there?" I leaned up against the stall doors heavily. The wood pressed into my skin sharply. "Another person claiming to be this Mate thing. The less pleasant of the two."
"I don't feel for Zellos what he wants but at least he talks to me. Wants to spend time with me. He isn't in love with someone else. And even if she didn't feel the same way, like I dreamed about, it wouldn't matter." My eyes suddenly burned and I felt the beginnings of tears forming. "I don't belong with them. I don't belong here either."
"I don't belong in my old world either." I admitted my chest hurting sharply.
Not of this world, yet integral to it. We've been claimed here, lovely traveler. You've yet to accept that.
"Would you just….shut up!" I hissed grabbing my head in frustration. "Just go away. Leave me be. I don't need you!"
Don't you miss him? Like a craving. Your newest 'mate' can't bring anything out of you.
"I don't."
You can lie to others, but none can fool us. The pretty liar tried once to fool us. We knew her, as we know you now.
"What do you mean?" It felt insane, talking back to the voices in my head. It was something I had been trying to avoid, but they had caught my attention this time.
We are bound to him. You can feel it in your very bones, to deny it is futile. Remember.
I did remember. Azriel had always dominated my attention when he was near. A mere touch from him set me on fire. Talking and laughing with him had felt so natural, until everything fell apart. As if in response to my thoughts that bridge pulsed quietly.
We belong there.
I saw Velaris, twinkling like stars spread below me. The sound of children laughing. A hint of seabrine. Cassian's deep laughter vibrating through me. The soft and cool feeling of Mor holding my face still as she applied makeup to me. Grinning as she leaned back. The persistent and gentle rhythm of Elain brushing out my matted and new hair.
"Stop. I get it."
The images thankfully stopped. I reached up to press a small kiss to Shadowfax's nose. I knew what I had to do, even if it meant hurting a few other people. I had to at least try to go back. To apologize to Cassian and Morrigan for just running away. I knew it must have hurt them.
I didn't feel what I was told I should for Zellos, even if he was my mate. That wasn't fair to him. I needed to go back to the night court. I had been away for far too long. Longer than I had even stayed with them. But this place would never be my home. I just hoped that Zellos would understand.
I mean, of course he would even if it made him sad. Zellos always understands.