Fire and ice clashed within my body. When I woke the walls warped and swam, faces flashing in and out of my awareness. Voices saying phrases that I didn't understand nor did I really care to. Sleep brought with it horrible images. Memories of the past and present clashing together in horrible twisted worlds. Cassian bludgeoned me, within his face I could see my father and Zellos both. They delighted in the noises they could wring from me with the solid hit of flesh against flesh.
Beron held a lighter up to my face, taunting me with the singular dancing flame before he moved behind me. A terrible creature stalked me, with six legs and a large cat-like body wreathed in shadows. It shredded me, and the poison in its claws broke not only my body but my heart too.
Shadowfax galloped beneath me both of us flying over fields that looked more like water than wheat. Birds and fish both swam in the sky underneath the unrelenting sun that threatened to cook us both.
Then surprisingly, day faded to night, and with it came coolness and relief. The moon floated ahead of us, creating a silvered road through the fields. A bridge twisting and alive beneath us threaded with moonlight, shadows, and silver. For a moment I swore I could feel the press of a hand to my cheek. Whispered words of worry and encouragement that fell through my mind like sand through my fingers.
It was dark when I opened my eyes. The huge room was draped in soft twilight tones though silvers of golden light leaked from the far door. I was curled on my side, my body aching but not nearly in as much pain as I had expected. The thick blankets that were wrapped around me felt damp, and I slowly pushed myself up, wincing at the deep flare of pain from my back as I did so. It hurt, but it was bearable, so I shoved the blankets away from me inviting the cooler air to sweep over my body. I shivered slightly but felt a little better without the suffocating things on me. My mouth felt as if it were full of cotton and I half wondered if the body had turned into a slab of beef jerky overnight. A quick search showed a silver pitcher, gleaming in the low light, just to the right of the bed. A clear glass set next to it.
The metal was bitingly cold against my fingers as I grabbed the pitcher, forgoing the glass to tip it directly into my mouth. The water was ice-cold and wonderful. It soothed my throat as it went down. I drank as if my life depended on it, a few drops spilling to roll down my chest as I gulped.
"Easy, don't want to drown yourself." A soft masculine voice chided. I jerked at the sound, pulling the pitcher away from my mouth to look to the voice. Cassian was slowly getting up from where he must have been sitting, rolling his shoulders and spreading his wings as he did so.
"Cassian." I croaked. Even with the water my voice cracked from misuse.
"Not too loud, he's still sleeping. Took him forever to nod off." Cassian spoke in low gentle tones as he nodded his head toward a corner of the room. There sprawled out on a chair in a rather uncomfortable looking position was Azriel. His shadows had dissipated with sleep and the general serious look had fallen from his face making him look all the younger. Vulnerable.
The bed dipped with Cassian's weight as he sat himself on the corner of the bed.
"How are you feeling?" His face was neutral, but I swore I could hear some heat behind the tone.
"Fine." My voice cracked again and I took a sip, slower this time, to help clear my throat. "Fine," I said, sounding a bit better. Cassian simply raised a single eyebrow at me. "My back hurts," I relented softly. "My side is sore, but not nearly as bad as before."
Cassian nodded looking me over intently. "What happened?" It was a quiet question but it held enough intensity for me to flinch.
"I don't know." The lie slid easily from my mouth. Cassian's mouth hardened into a thin line.
"Do you know how much you worried us? Just disappearing on us, and then you come back looking like death." he nearly choked on the words, forcing his voice to stay quiet. "What happened to you?"
I shook my head mutely. A muscle feathered in Cassian's jaw and he shifted restlessly. There was a long moment where he simply stared at me and then, just like that, the tension fled from him. He sank down a little, breathing out a long breath.
"I'm so glad you're safe." He admitted quietly reaching out for my hand. I took it noticing once again just how much more massive he was compared to me. His hand was warm.
"I missed you." I admitted softly. Surprise flashed in his eyes before he shot me the flashy grin I had come to care for.
"Of course you did." He said with all the confidence in the world.
Laughing, it turned out, hurt.
"-winter storm is coming early." Cassian had been quietly talking to me for a bit about anything and everything. He had made sure that I had eaten while I was awake too. Exhaustion swamped me, though I knew I had been sleeping for days now due to a spike in infection. Azriel hadn't moved from his chair, still out like a light. Cassian had explained how little sleep the spymaster had gotten over the past few months. Something like guilt gnawed at me.
"The most snow we got back home was maybe at best a few inches. Not really enough to make a snowman or anything." I replied quietly shifting and wincing as I tried to alleviate some of the ache in my back. "It usually turned to greyish sludge by the next day too."
"It should be hitting sometime tonight." Cassian had carried a seat over to the edge of the bed and had kicked his feet up near my side. He was in a soft heather grey shirt and some brown pants. A far cry from the usual leathers I saw him in. "Maybe Madja will let you out to see it." Cassian nodded toward the far door in the otherwise empty room.
"That would be nice." I let my gaze travel around the room. This place was different than anywhere else I had been before. The floors looked to be made of moonstone, all of the heavy curtains in the room had been drawn. It looked like some sort of spare bedroom that had been quickly made into a hospital room. "Where are we anyways?"
"Rhys' palace." Cassian said, looking amused. "We couldn't winnow you into the House of Wind, and you needed help fast."
"I don't remember seeing a different palace in Velaris." I muttered trying to remember the sprawling sparkling city.
"No, this palace isn't in Velaris." Cassian chuckled. "You're technically on the top of a mountain."
"No way." I shoved lightly at his feet which he chuckled at. "Shouldn't the air be thinner then?"
"Smart female," Cassian smiled tilting his head to the side slightly. "But you forget, this is Rhys' palace. He uses magic to make it comfy for the weak such as yourself."
"Weak?" I shot back instantly, narrowing my eyes.
"I have to be careful about breathing. Might knock you over." He blew a little towards me playfully.
"Bring it on!" I started to grin, bringing my hands up. "You couldn't-"
All at once I remembered being on the ground, wheezing as Zellos reared back to kick me again a savage light in his eyes. The blazing heat that seemed to zap any moisture out of the air as Beron held it up to me. Hands wrapped around my throat, driving every ounce of fight out of my body with every second without air. My father's remorseless eyes.
I let the sentence fall away from me, opting instead to pull the heavy blanket back over me. The weight of it comforting. Cassian was staring hard at me but I decided to ignore it for now. I couldn't handle the questions in his eyes.
"Maybe we could make a snowman." It was a weak change of topic, but Cassian simply settled himself further in the chair and nodded.
"We could raid the palace for some decorating supplies."
"You think they have any scarves here? I always wanted to do that, but couldn't afford to use my scarf." I replied, a deep relief spreading through my chest.
"You're awake." His voice resonated within me as if I were a bell that had just been struck. I jerked my gaze to the corner of the room where Azriel was pulling himself slowly out of the chair he had been napping in his shadows flocking back to him. "How are you feeling?"
"Good morning. And a little better I guess..." I wasn't sure what to do with myself. For the first time I wondered about how I must look. My hair had to be a mess, and I was sure I hadn't had a bath. Azriel picked up his chair and moved it to the other side of my bed from Cassian.
"So," Cassian's voice broke the odd silence that had fallen over me when Azriel had spoken. "You really don't get a lot of snow where you're from?"
I shook my head. "Rain and hail yes, but snow is a different thing altogether." I forced myself to start talking to Cassian trying to ignore as the shadowed Illyrian settled himself at my other side. "By the time it's cold enough for the snow to stick to the ground the moisture in the air has usually left. So, no snow. But even when it does it's nothing to brag about. The most I ever saw was a few inches. Oh and a big ice storm a long time ago. It knocked out the power for a few days." I remembered that time very well. "We had to huddle near our fireplace and sleep there. Oh, and we had to use spare blankets to seal off the rest of the felt like an adventure when I was little." I sighed.
"Have you had a snowball fight?" The question unexpectedly came from Azriel who had settled himself in the chair.
"No, but I have had gumball fights. That's close to the same thing right?"
"What's a gumball?" Cassian asked.
"Well there are two types, but the gumball I'm referring to grows on trees. It's round, brown, and has these spikes all around it. Oh and they're little, about this big." I said drawing a small circle on the palm of my hand. They really were about the size of an average gumball though, the chewing kind. "The neighborhood kids used to have these wars about who was allowed to play in what areas. Stupid kid stuff. Well if there was ever a big disagreement during the fall then the gumballs went flying." I could almost hear the shrieking laughter. "They stung pretty bad when you got hit, but they rarely drew blood."
In spite of everything that had happened I was almost supernaturally aware of Azriel near me. He still looked exhausted, dark circles standing out heavily against his pale skin. His shadows curled about him, moving just enough that I wondered if he was somehow agitated.
"You should probably get some real sleep." I found myself saying to both of them. "You know, not in a chair."
"You sure you'll be okay alone?" Cassian asked seriously.
"I'm not a child." I forced my tone to come out soft and even. "I'll probably rest some more too. I'm really tired."
Cassian nodded and swung his feet off of the bed groaning as he stretched and stood to his full height. I forgot just how big he was.
"Want me to come back later tonight? Try to convince Madja that you can have a snow day?"
"Sure, only if you actually go and rest though." I warned narrowing my eyes threateningly. He laughed and dipped into an overly exaggerated bow.
"As you command." He gave a slight look to Azriel, then smirked before heading out. I glanced to Azriel expecting him to do the same. He had made no move to leave and was instead watching the doorway that Cassian had left through.
"That means you too." I prompted. Even with the obvious signs of exhaustion on him he was still handsome enough to take my breath away when his eyes met mine. It was like some classical statue of perfect beauty had come to life and was now staring me down.
"I'm fine."
"You very obviously are not." I glared a little trying to seem a bit more intimidating. "Go. To. Bed. Azriel."
A miniscule shake of his head was all the answer he gave me. I sighed and slowly adjusted myself wincing as I managed to lay myself down onto my side facing the stubborn Illyrain.
"It's going to be okay. You don't have to guard me, I won't disappear."
"You did." The accusation was sharp and I felt something within me stir into wakefulness at the hint of anger in his tone.
"Listen, I don't have the energy to fight. But maybe if you all had taken the time to explain to me that I had real magic, and maybe a half-assed lesson to control it this wouldn't have happened. You're good people...I can feel that. But that doesn't mean that I can just let everything slide." I closed my eyes wishing for a long moment that I was back in my real bed. Or a hospital bed. "You should have told me what Mate meant." Even without looking I could feel his recoil. It zinged down the moonstone bridge. The realization that the bridge must be this bond between Mates hit me hard and low, nearly knocking the breath out of me.
It had always been Azriel on the other side of that expanse.
"Everything is too much right now. Everything." I whispered to him. "I don't want a Mate," hurt and long buried feelings echoed to me, "at least not when I'm like this. I'm not good for anybody like this. Please just go and rest."
"No." But for some reason it felt more like an 'I can't' than a straight no.
"You need to rest in a real bed not some stupid chair." Azriel's lack of an answer was louder than words. I huffed.
"Listen, I might not need a Mate right now, but maybe we can try to be friends." I met his hazel eyes then, remembering the quiet bets we had going at the bar. How much fun it had been just to exist with him. "I need friends. And I am not going to let a stubborn-ass friend exhaust themselves further because they're refusing to sleep in a bed."
"My bed is a long way from here." There was a hint of teasing in his voice and something within me relaxed at the sound.
"Fine, then you'll use this one."
Azriel blinked once, looking me over as if I had suddenly grown two heads. I felt a blush try to rise up, heating my cheeks slightly as I tried to hold his incredulous gaze.
"If you're going to be stubborn about leaving then we'll just have to compromise. Lay here," I reached out and tapped the edge of the bed closest to him, "and try to rest okay? Don't worry I won't attack you in your sleep or anything."
For a long moment I expected him to refuse, but then he slowly got up and my mouth went dry. Azriel laid himself down next to me, facing me like I was facing him. Those massive wings were tucked behind him the gentle rustle of them settling sounding overly loud in the now quiet room.
He was laying on top of the comforter, creating a sort of natural barrier between the two of us. Azriel was quiet, as usual. It was too quiet here, like we were the only two people in the universe. The faint howl of wind as our only companion.
"I hate the quiet." I muttered more to break the silence than anything. Azriel's eyes found mine once more.
"Why is that?"
"I….I don't know really." I looked to the ceiling. Anywhere but those dark and alluring eyes. "I guess….because it reminds me of when I was a kid."
"Silence reminds you of your childhood?" He seemed off somehow. Like I had struck a nerve. I could feel the strange intensity of his attention even through the bond.
"It's hard to sleep when it's so quiet." I amended. "I…. um night was a dangerous time for me. I would stay awake in the dark listening for footsteps. They liked to drink at night." Familiar fear curled through my chest. "If I hid, they would lose interest. They never remembered in the morning. Not that it really meant much."
Azriel was absolutely still beside me. Something cool brushed across my hand, almost tentatively tasting my skin like a snake would. His shadows, the strange extension of his will, I tried not to flinch away.
"When I moved out I always kept something on. It didn't matter what it was as long as it made enough noise. Music or t.v. shows helped. Or movies. It kept me from listening for them."
"I hated the silence too."
"What?" His soft confession felt somehow monumental.
"I hated the silence. Hated being alone and trapped. I reached out to the darkness, and it reached back. They filled the silence. They told me of the outside world."
"Azriel, that's-" I felt a loss for words. He was so strong, so sure of himself. Beautiful, elegant, and dangerous I couldn't imagine him trapped and reaching out for anything to help him. My first instinct was to go to pity, to reach out to try to comfort him. But I didn't want pity when I brought up my past. Why would he?
"You were really strong to get through that. I don't know the details, and you don't have to tell me, but if you dealt with that and still came out as you are now." I paused feeling the weight of the situation. "You must be one of the strongest people I know."
"Thank you." Something soft, warm, and new flickered across the moonstone bridge. When I gave him a half smile, I was surprised to get one back.