Season 01 / Episode 03: The Rookies

The scene opened with two familiar red soldiers on top of the Red Base... standing around and talking. Again.

"Do they ever do something else then standing around and talk?" asked Reimu, earning a nod from Marisa.

"Yeah, what a waste of time," agreed the witch with crossed arms, shaking her head in disappointment.

"Of course you two are FAR more productive," chimed Alice into the conversation, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "By sitting around and talking all day if given the chance."

Both girls sweat-dropped and blushed slightly.

"S-Shut up," mumbled Reimu, while Marisa pulled her hat down to cover her face. "You can't blame me for taking it easy when I can!"

Sanae raised her hand to hide her giggling.

"Hey, that's not exactly what happened," started Simmons, continuing an off-screen conversation.

"Yes, it is!" Grif retorted angrily. "You said 'I'm not going to the Vegas quadrant!', and then the next thing I know you're in an escape pod headed for…"

Behind them Donut appeared, walking up to them.

"And here comes the fresh meat," stated Marisa, recovering from the previous quarrel.

"Excuse me, uh, sirs?"

"'Sirs?'" asked Simmons, turning around.

"Aw, crap," moaned Grif.

"I was told to report to Blood Gulch Outpost Number One and speak to whoever's in charge?"

"Sorry, man," answered Grif. "Sarge is at Command getting orders. Ain't nobody in charge today."

"Actually private, he left me in charge while he's gone," interrupted Simmons smugly.

"You're such a kiss-ass," said Reimu, rolling her eyes.

"You are such a kiss-ass."

"Hey look! An echo!" laughed Sanae, getting an annoyed huff from her fellow miko.

"Also, he told me if I had any trouble from you I should - ahem - 'Git in the Warthog and crush your head like a tomato can'," Simmons continued, imitating Sarge.

"Your daddy sure knows how to keep his subordinates in line," joked Marisa, dodging a punch from Reimu.

"... That's the worst impression I've ever heard."

Simmons turned to Donut. "Okay rookie, what's your story?"

"Private Donut, reporting for duty, sir. I'm ready to fight some aliens."

Silence.

Cue laughter.

"Oh heavens," gasped Sanae, holding her sides.

"Who the fuck names their kid like THAT?!" laughed Marisa, hammering and rolling on the ground.

Alice and Reimu were a bit more composed, but were still shaking slightly in mirth.

"Couple things here, rookie. First of, 'Private Donut'? I think somebody needs a new nickname," began Grif.

"Like what? Private Sweet Hole?" smirked Marisa, re-starting the laughter around her.

"Secondly, what's with the armour colour?"

"This is the standard issue red," replied Donut.

"Yeah, I know. Listen, only two kinds of people wear standard issue armour: officers and recruits. And since you're not threatening to gut me like a fish, you're probably not an officer."

"He definitely needs another suit," agreed Sanae. "I vote green."

Alice rolled her eyes, but smiled. "It's the RED army, though."

"But one of them is wearing brown!"

Donut gestured to Simmons. "Well, he's wearing red armour."

"No, my armour is maroon. Your armour is red," Simmons clarified.

"Well, how do I get a different colour of armour?"

Simmons sighed. "I bet the Blues don't have to put up with this kind of crap."

"Wouldn't bet on it," grinned Marisa.

- The scene changed to the now three Blues in front of a large armoured vehicle –

"HOLY SHIT!" yelled Marisa, her eyes wide in wonder. "Is THAT the TANK?!"

"Yes, that's a tank," confirmed Sanae, rubbing her temple. She expected the witch to get excited about the tank, but this is getting ridiculous. "They are able to level entire buildings with their cannon and can 'tank' just as much damage, pun intended."

While Reimu and Alice were just as equally impressed as the kleptomaniac of the group, they were able to contain their emotions far better.

"Want," whispered Marisa, clenching her fists in her lap.

"Huh? Did you say something?" asked Sanae in a worried tone, slowly backing away.

"I WANT A TANK!" roared Marisa, shaking the entire shrine.

"Holy shit," complained Reimu, covering her ears. "Calm down, would ya?"

"I don't think she can hear you," noticed Sanae, waving her right hand in front of Marisa. "She's completely out of it. I think the tank broke her."

Alice's left eye twitched.

"I need a newspaper," smiled the blonde sweetly, before facing Reimu. "You wouldn't happen to have one handy, would you?"

Reimu gulped, slightly perturbed by the puppeteer's overly happy expression.

"There's one right over there," said the priestess, pointing to a shelf next to the entrance. "Aya drops her 'Bunbunmaru' here every morning."

Alice nodded. "Good, good," she said as she took the newspaper, rolled it up and hold it over the now drooling Marisa.

Sanae covered her eyes.

*WHACK!*

Marisa recoiled as the rolled-up newspaper was forcibly smacked against her head. It took her a few seconds to process what had happened, before she turned towards Alice.

"Alice?! What the fuck-?"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!*

"OW!"

"No Marisa Kirisame, that's a bad Marisa Kirisame!" shouted Alice with barely contained glee.

Marisat rubbed the spot on her head where she was just whacked repeatedly. "Ooooowww!" she moaned. "Why'd you do that for?!"

"Marisa! You won't get a tank!"

The blonde witch frowned. "... Not even a small one?"

*WHACK! WHACK! WHACK!*

"BAD MARISA KIRISAME! BAD!"

"GHA! Right on the nose!" yelled Marisa, covering it with her hands.

Reimu and Sanae meanwhile where holding each other for comfort, clearly afraid of the unusual behavior of the normally composed doll master.

Alice sighed, crossing her arms while Marisa nursed the bumps on her head. "Marisa, remember what Reimu said earlier? Was there even one single instance where your involvement didn't cause even more problems or property damage?"

Marisa paused and stared at Alice, then up at the ceiling.

"See!" said Alice. "Now imagine you would have an actual tank. Gensokyo would be burn-"

"Shhh! I'm still thinking..."

Alice furrowed her brow. "Thinking? I just mentioned the times you misused your magic in a way that blew up in everyone's face! I mean... it happened already twice this week alone..."

Marisa nodded. "That you know of."

Alice's face involuntarily twitched.

*WHACK!*

"OWW! Okay, I get it! No tank for me!" whined the black and white witch, before adding 'Killjoy' in a quieter tone.

"Good girl," smiled Alice, sitting back down and putting the newspaper away. But still in her reach, noticed a shaken Reimu.

- There isn't a problem that can't be solved by a newspaper. -

"So I say to the guy, 'How are you gonna get the tank down to the planet?' And he goes, 'I'll just put it on the ship.' And I go, 'If you got a ship that can carry a tank, why not just put guns on the ship and use it instead?'" concluded Caboose his story.

"Hey, kid?" started Tucker.

"Yeah?"

"You're ruining the moment. Shut up," he finished, before turning back to the tank.

"Come on, be nice," chastised Sanae. "He must be nervous and is just trying to fit in."

"Oh. Okay. You got it man."

"You know what? I could blow up the whole goddamn world with this thing," fantasized Church.

"Yeah, I know the feeling," agreed Marisa, blushing.

*WHACK!*

"OUCH! STOP IT!"

"I'll stop it when you stop deserving it."

- Back to Red Base -

"Okay Private Donut, here's the deal," Simmons began.

"I just refuse to call him 'Private Donut'," interjected Grif.

"I just can't get over how stupid his name sounds," grinned Reimu, re-filling her cup of tea.

"We've got a very important mission for you. You think you can handle it?"

"They actually do stuff?" wondered Marisa.

"Absolutely," Donut replied with confidence.

"We need you to go to the store and pick up two quarts of elbow grease."

"Yeah, and uh, pick up some... headlight fluid for the Puma, too."

"Of course," groaned Alice, sighing.

"The what…?"

"He means the Warthog."

"Yeah, that clears things up," sneered Reimu.

"You do know where the store is, right rookie?" asked Grif.

"Wh-What? Y-Yeah, yeah, of course I do! No problem," Donut answered uncertainly.

"Well, get going then," ordered Simmons.

Donut began to leave the base.

"And he's actually doing it," moaned Alice. "Is everyone in the canyon a retard?"

"Other way," clarified Grif.

"I knew that," said the newbie, before changing directions. "Just got turned around, that's all."

Grif and Simmons watched him leave, waiting until he was out of earshot.

"How long do you think until he figures out there's no store?"

"I'd say... at least a week," replied Grif.

"That reminds me of my time back in the Outside World," remembered Sanae, her voice saddened. "Others would make me do pointless errands and play pranks on me all the time."

Donut continued to run some distance before stopping to turn back and face the base.

"'Elbow grease?' How stupid do they think I am?"

"Oh? Looks like he has a working brain after all," noted Reimu.

Once I get back to base with that headlight fluid, I'm gonna have a talk with the sergeant."

"Nevermind."

- The scene shifted back to Blue Base -

"You know what? Forget what I said before. We can definitely pick up chicks in this thing. Probably two or three chicks a piece," said Tucker eagerly.

"He's still going with that?" grumbled Reimu, her cup cracking slightly by her steel-like grip.

"Oh man, listen to you! What are you gonna do with two chicks?"

"Church, women are like Voltron. The more you can hook up, the better it gets."

"I have no idea what that means, but he is truly testing my patience," said Alice, a malevolent aura forming around her and the rest of the girls.

"We should just let it go," Sanae finally commented, sighing in defeat. "He's clearly a pervert, no point in getting worked up by every little remark."

"Yeah, it's kinda funny," Marisa agreed relucantly. "In a very perverted way."

"So just like you. Just without the 'funny' part."

"Up yours, Alice!"

- The scene once again changed back to Red Base. -

"You think we were too mean to the kid?" asked Simmons his fellow soldier.

"Nah, he'll just wander around on the cliff for a few hours. What's the worst that could happen?"

Reimu face-palmed.

"First rule of narrative causality," said Sanae. "Never ask that question."

- Donut arrived at Blue Base -

"Finally! There it is!" he said before jogging over. "Oh, sweet! They sell tanks!"

"Whelp, he's dead."

Character Introduction

Name: Aya Shameimaru

Race: Youkai (Crow Tengu)

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: Newspaper Writer, Reporter, Photographer

Eyes: Red

Hair: Black

Special Features: Pointy ears and black crow-like wings

Title: Humble Tengu Reporter

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Able to see/hear things from great distance, Manipulation of Wind

Notes:

Aya Shameimaru is Gensokyo's resident reporter, known for writing 'slightly' exaggerated news articles in her 'Bunbunmaru'. She's also one of the strongest youkai alive, sometimes accidentally winning battles while holding back most of her power.

She's widely considered to be the fastest youkai in Gensokyo as well, capable of cirling the whole moon in mere minutes.