Season 01 / Epsisode 06: 1,21 Giga-Whatts?
Church jogged up to Donut, his rifle at the ready. The teleporter exit meanwhile was right between them.
"Freeze!"
"Hey, why the hell were you shooting at me!?" Donut asked angrily. "You could've hit me, dick!"
"That was the plan, dude," laughed Marisa.
"Can it! Don't try and play stupid with me, Sarge. I know who you are. We've been spying on you for three weeks now."
"Truly, such an efficient use of time and resources," taunted Alice. "I wonder why he didn't just shoot them first chance he got. Oh, right~. I guess I have my answer now~."
"I just got here two hours ago, and I'm not a sergeant, I'm a private."
"Wait a minute, you're not the sergeant!" yelled Church in realization.
"Took him long enough," said Reimu.
"Yeah, that's what I just said."
"Well the how the hell did you manage to steal our flag?!"
"By the most devious of acts," Sanae joked. "He asked!" The others giggled at her remark.
"'Steal?' I have no idea what the hell you're talking about!"
Suddenly, a figure with black armour appeared from the teleporter exit.
"THREE!"
"JESUS!" cursed Church.
"HOLY SHIT!" joined Donut in.
"Huh, so he lives after all...," Reimu exclaimed, nudging the relieved Sanae. "Looks like the teleporter has a bit of a delay."
"Urgh, I really hate it when people just burst in from nowhere," complained Marisa, earning a glare from a green-haired shrine maiden. "What?"
- Earlier -
"WHAT THE FUCK?! GET OUT!"
Reimu and Alice winced at the ruckus coming from the bathroom, it sounded like someone took a rather nasty fall, followed by breaking glass and Sanae shouting surprisingly creative obscenities the whole time.
Marisa ducked back out the doorway before turning back around. "Oh, calm your tits! You are overreacting! It's not like I haven't already... eep!" Marisa yelped and ducked just in time as a large bottle of shampoo whizzed over her head. "I just wanted to bring you some fresh clothes...," the witch shrieked and slammed the door shut just as something collided into the other side with considerable force.
Marisa blew an errant strand of blonde hair out of her face. "I still find that you overreacted a little bit."
"I didn't have any clothes on!" Sanae shouted back.
"I don't see what the big deal is. I already saw every little detail earlier."
"THAT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY BETTER! If anything, that makes it worse!"
"Well excuse me for not knowing you were so self-effacing, princess!"
"Then consider yourself educated, because next time I'm just going to blast you!"
"I don't think you will. You need me," Marisa challenged teasingly.
"Keep pushin' it then. We'll find out together."
"Who is this guy?" asked Donut.
"What in the hell!? Tucker? Is that you?"
"How did you get up here ahead of me?" wondered Tucker in confusion.
"And what's with all that black shit on your armour?"
"Is that soot?" asked Alice.
"Hey! Freeze Sarge!" Tucker ordered, pointing a small gun at Donut.
"Would you stop calling me a sergeant? I'm still just a private!"
"The Sarge is still a private? Oh. My. God. The teleporter sent me back in time!"
"Really? That's the conclusion you came to?" face-palmed Reimu.
- Red Base -
Grif climbed into the driver's seat of the Warthog, while Simmons took the gunner position. Lopez just watched.
"Bye, Lopez. We need the jeep."
"I'll take gunner," Simmons said as he took position. Polka-like music came from the radio. "Let's roll."
"How do you turn off the fucking radio?" Grif asked as he drove off.
"Well it's... catchy?" said Sanae in an unsure tone.
Marisa covered her ears. "That music is so LAME!"
"It is not THAT bad," countered her fellow blonde, actually liking the tune.
Reimu shrugged. "I guess it has a certain appeal."
"Don't worry, Lopez! I'll bring her back in one piece!" Simmons called back.
"And he jinxed it," Marisa groaned in despair.
- Back with Tucker, Church and Donut -
"Look, I know you don't know me, but you have to believe what I'm about to tell you. Sometime in your future, I get stationed here in Blood Gulch and we meet. And this guy here, he gets promoted to sergeant of the Red Army and we spy on them. And they get this new jeep and I'm all like 'There is no way you can pick up chicks in a tank'!"
"Tucker... what the fuck are you babbling about?"
"He still thinks he's in the future," sighed Reimu.
"Still pissed about the 'chick' remark," growled Marisa. "Damn pervert."
"Why are you so angry about it anyway?" questioned Alice, rubbing her temple.
"Yeah, you're just as bad," accused Sanae the witch.
"It's just how you show affection! Besides, we're all girls here anyway."
The others simply grumbled in annoyance.
"I know all this sounds crazy, but eventually he becomes a sergeant, and then one day we get a tank, and he comes and steals our flag while we're distracted!" Tucker continues.
"Is this guy a retard?" Donut asked.
"Jury's still out," Reimu quipped, getting snickers from the rest of the group.
"Rumours had it that the vote is unanimous," Alive added.
"Red, shut up," Church ordered. "Tucker, listen to me. You haven't gone back in time, okay? This is the guy who stole our flag, he's just not the sergeant," he continued to explain as a familiar sounding music began to grow louder… and closer. "Turns out, he's just some dumb rookie who happens to have the same colour armour as him. He got in somehow, just… FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHAT IS THAT MUSIC!?"
As if in response, the Warthog came in flying over the hill, catching some impressive air time while doing so.
"Fuck yes! Dukes of Hazzard style!" cheered Marisa, getting confused stares from the others, especially from the former outsider.
"How do you even know that reference?" asked Sanae. "Also, I thought you hate that music?"
"Who cares about the small stuff?" countered Marisa. "We should definitely invest in our own theme music! Image how awesome that would be!"
"Woohoo!" yelled Simmons.
"HOLY SHIT!" Tucker exclaimed.
"SON OF A BITCH!" Church shouted, as they both began to sprint away. "RUN, JESUS, RUN!"
"The jeep followed me back in time!"
"No, it didn't!"
"GET SOME!" Simmons shouted as he began firing the gun at the Blues, unleashing a hail of machine gun fire upon them.
"Ow! Git! Ow! Git! Ow, ow!" Church shouted as the hail of bullets just barely missed him and Tucker while they sprinted up the cliff.
"What the hell is going on here?" Grif asked Donut as he got out of the jeep, while Simmons hurled more bullets and insults at the blues:
"That's right! That's right, I got your ass! Get off your ass and run, you cock bites! Right now! Yeah, not so pretty when you gotta run are you! Yeah, that's right! Stay there! You know where your flag is? We're gonna get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Come on, get out there! I've got a whole barrel of love to shoot you with! Come on! Get out now! Yeah, come on out! I know you like this! Come out where I can get you! Come on! Don't be a wimp! Come on, Blue! Be tough, get out there!"
"Wow," whistled Marisa. "For a brown-nose, he sure knows how to shit talk." She raised her thump. "I approve!"
"You know what? I honestly have no idea what's going on. I think everyone in this canyon is absolutely insane," Donut replied.
"I feel your pain," the safe keeper and trouble solver of Gensokyo sighed.
"How did you get their flag?"
"I don't know. I just asked for it."
"Wait, that worked?!"
"I guess. Is it not supposed to?"
"I don't know, we never even thought to try that."
"I'd give you some credit for following basic logic, but clearly logic is in short supply in this canyon," smirked Alice.
"Just take the flag to the base, I'll explain there."
"Not until someone tells me what the fuck is go-"
"There's no time to explain, rookie! Just take the flag and go to base! I'll explain everything there!"
"Fine!" Donut groaned, before picking up the flag and running off.
"Back to our base, dumbass!"
"Uh, I know. I just got turned around, that's all," Donut replied, trying to play it off as he turned around and ran the other way.
"Smooth," grinned Reimu.
- Blue Base –
Caboose observed the situation through the sniper rifle.
"Oh man... that's not good. Oh my god, that jeep has a really big gun," he lowered the rifle. "Stay here," he turned around. "Tank," he turned back. "Stay here," he turned again. "Tank."
"Oh, for the love of... STOP TEASING ME AND USE THE FUCKING TANK!" yelled Marisa.
"Aw, screw it," Caboose said as he began to sprint towards the vehicle.
"YES!" cheered the magician, before feeling the now familiar pain of a newspaper hitting her head.
"Ouch!"
- Cue to Church and Tucker -
Both were now hiding behind a rock, while the fire from the machine gun continued to make holes in the canyon wall next to them.
"Well, we'll just wait here. That thing's gotta run out of bullets sometime," Church reasoned.
As the episode ended, the girls all stood up and stretched their aching limbs.
While Alice and Sanae went to the kitchen to make more tea and snacks, the remaining two stayed at the table.
Suddenly, there was a loud knock on the door.
"Who can that be at this time?" wondered Reimu. "Hey Marisa, go answer the door."
"Why me?" complained the witch.
"Because this is my house and you're freeloading. Now move your ass."
Grumbling, Marisa stood up and walked out of the room. There was the sound of an opening door, some arguing, a crash and a closing door.
Marisa walked back in.
"Who was it," asked Reimu, holding her head in the palms of her hands.
"Just an annoying crow."
"... Aya?" asked Reimu.
"Yeah, she was here," Marisa confirmed casually. "Wanted to know what all our yelling was about. Oddly enough, she suddenly recalled a pressing engagement and had to fly away," she explained. "Very sad."
"You chased her off somehow, didn't you?" Reimu sighed.
"Me?! Pfft! Come on now... maybe."
"Don't be mean. She probably heard our yelling earlier (just like the rest of Gensokyo), got worried about us and came here to help," Sanae chimed in from the kitchen.
"Yeah, sure. Also, she did... she helped marvellously by flying away."
"You are impossible," complained Reimu.
"I learned it from watching you," grinned Marisa in response.
- Meanwhile -
"I'll be back!" Aya Shameimaru's voice disappeared in the distance.