Season 01 / Episode 08: Don't PH34R the Reaper

The scene opened with Grif and Simmons standing like paralyzed in front of the tank, with the barrel still staring down on them.

"... Why is it just sitting there?" Grif asked in anxiety.

"Just trying to mess with our heads," Simmons answered with fake calmness. "Let's get back to the Warthog."

"Why would he even think that this thing could play mind games?" asked Alice.

"She's not a 'thing', her name is Sheila," said Marisa in a warning tone to the doll master, before looking back at the screen. "And given the chance, I would make them squirm a little bit too~."

"Of course you would," Reimu sighed. "Also, does anyone else think that Marisa's fixation on the tank is a little creepy?"

["This tank is equipped with an auto-fire sequence, which can be activated by pressing the auto-fire button,"] Sheila informed Caboose, guiding him through the tutorial program.

"Auto-fire, auto-fire," Caboose muttered. "Here, here! No wait… okay, that's more of a switch than a button."

"So the tank practically does the work for you?" taunted Aya at the blonde witch. "Yeah, it... eh, 'she', is definitely, absolutely perfect for you."

"That's what I said!" agreed Marisa, completely ignoring the side jab from the tengu.

"Okay, you ready?" Simmons asked Grif, still starring at the tank. "Let's do this on three. One…"

"Wait! On three or three and then go?"

"Just run, you idiots!" rushed Reimu the duo.

"On three. It's always faster to go on three," Simmons clarified.

"Okay, okay! On three…"

- Inside of Sheila (Fuck, that sounded kinda creepy) -

"Here!" Caboose exclaimed, hitting a button.

*Click*

["Tutorial deactivated. Auto-fire sequence activated,"] Sheila announced.

"That's not good," stated Sanae in a worried tone.

"Ready?" Simmons asked.

["Acquiring target."]

Meanwhile, the other Blues were still on the cliff, with Church finally deciding to take his chances.

"I'm going for the jeep. Cover me."

"Gotta admit, nearly forgot about them," Reimu confessed, re-filling her tea cup.

- The scene changed back to the Reds and the tank -

"One," Simmons began counting, unaware that Grif was already backing away, before turning around and sprinting down the field as fast as possible.

"Ten yen for each time Marisa started some trouble and pulled the same stunt" grumbled Reimu, giving the witch in question a glare. "Leaving me alone to sort out the crap's she caused!"

Marisa just grinned in response.

The view cuts to Sheila's HUD, her crosshair following Grif as he was running away.

["Target Acquired."]

"Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit," Grif cursed, panting heavily.

"He's been running for what, 10 seconds? How can he be that exhausted already?"

"Two," Simmons continued.

["Target locked,"] Shiela announced as her HUD turned red, a beeping noise now accompanying it.

Meanwhile, Church was also breathing heavily as he ran to the jeep.

"Looks like he needs a workout as well," noted Alice, holding her empty cup to Reimu.

"Three!" Simmons shouted, before turning around, just to see Grif already far away from him.

"Oh, you back-stabbing cock-bite!"

"And another ten yen."

Marisa choose to simply stick out her tongue this time.

["Firing main cannon,"] declared Sheila, firing a massive round, barely missing Grif and hitting the jeep in front of him instead, sending it flying.

"SON OF BITCH!" Simmons shouted as he ducked down.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Grif cursed.

"SON OF A BITCH!" Church yelled, retreating from the scene.

"SON OF A BITCH!" cried Marisa, dropping on her knees and raising her hands accusingly to the roof.

"CATCHPHRASE!" added Aya, smirking.

["Firing main cannon,"] Shiela repeated as she chased after Simmons, who was now zigzagging away from the tank.

"Shit!"

A blast was stopped by the hill he had just run over.

"Shit, God damn it!"

["Firing main cannon."]

Missed.

["Firing main cannon,"] and another round was shoot into the ground.

"The tank does not seem very reliable against moving targets," Sanae commented, right hand on her chest, with clear relief in her voice.

"And that's why I was complaining about their lack of proper training," added Alice with smug smile.

Meanwhile, Church joined Tucker behind the rock.

"Hey dude, the jeep blew up!"

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!" Marisa complained.

"It's actually 'Private' Obvious," corrected Alice the witch with a smirk, sipping her fresh tea.

"Whatever, don't be a smart ass," Marisa complained. "I'm so conflicted... on one hand Sheila is finally firing! On the other hand, she blew up the Warthog! That was one awesome vehicle!"

She sighed. "Can it get any worse?"

...

...

...

Cue to the entire universe coming to a screeching halt.

Cue to the more sensitive inhabitants of Gensokyo feeling a sudden shift in reality, looking around in dread.

Cue to the other girls' eyes opening wide, before they face-palmed as one.

Cue to Marisa blinking.

"... Crap, I jinxed it, didn't I?"

"NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!"

"No kidding! Thanks for the update, Tucker!" Church snarled back.

Back to the field, it was now the Reds turn to duck behind a rock.

["Firing Main Cannon,"] Sheila announced, before unloading yet another round at their cover.

"Hey, I have a great idea!" said Simmons, his voice dripping with sarcasm. "Let's get out of the jeep, and sneak around the back of the rock!"

["Firing main cannon."]

"GREAT PLAN, YOU IDIOT!"

"How many rounds can a tank shoot?" asked Aya, earning a shrug from Sanae.

["All targets eliminated,"] Sheila stated. ["Acquiring new target."]

- With the Blues -

"Hey Tucker, look at this man! It's the rookie! And he brought the tank out to scare off the Reds!" Church noted, running up to the cliff side.

"What? No way!"

"HEY ROOKIE! GOOD JOB, MAN! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL US YOU KNEW HOW TO DRIVE THE TANK!?"

"Because he didn't. And I'm sure he still doesn't," Reimu answered, rolling her eyes, smiling slightly.

["New target acquired,"] Sheila announced, turning her cannon towards... Church?

"Oh fuck me," Marisa muttered, as everyone gave her the 'that's entirely your fault' stare.

"That's not a target, that's Church!" Caboose announced in a chipper tone, unaware of what was about to happen.

"TURN IT OFF, DUDE! TURN IT OFF NOW!" the witch shouted, nervously switching her gaze between the screen and the now red-glowing eyes of the others.

"YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT! IT'S ME, CHURCH! WHAT'S GOING ON, MAN?"

["Target locked."]

"What? No! Target unlock! Unlock! Please help me, nice lady!" Caboose begged, finally realizing what's going on. But it was already to late.

["Firing main cannon."]

"Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh," Tucker muttered.

"Uh-oh," everyone said in unison, with Sanae covering her eyes, but still peeking between her fingers.

"What?" Church asked in confusion, before everything clicked. "Oh, son of a bi-," was all he managed to say before a cannon round struck him dead on, sending him into the wall, before he crashed into the ground.

Everyone was quiet, their mouths open and eyes wide in shock.

"Holy fuck! Church are you okay!?" Tucker yelled as he run up to him. "Talk to me! Church!"

He looked over the cliff side. "YOU SHOT CHURCH, YOU TEAM-KILLING FUCKTARD!"

["Auto-fire sequence, deactivated,"] Sheila announced as Caboose finally found the off switch.

While Aya and Alice were trying to comfort Sanae, Reimu looked with murder in her eyes at Marisa, who was shitting bricks at this point.

"Tucker," Church groaned out in pain. "Tucker."

"Church! It's going to be ok, man!" Tucker tried to assure him.

"No.. I... I'm no… I'm not gonna make it..."

"Now he'll never return home and marry his girlfriend," Sanae hiccupped, tears welling up in her eyes.

"Tucker... there's something I need to tell you..."

"What is it?"

"His final words," Alice muttered under her breath. Sanae stopped sniffing, listening to the last words of a dying man.

"I just want you to know... I always hated you... I always hated you the most."

Everyone's expression changed from sorrow to either shock or a deadpan expression.

"Yeah, I know you did. Now hurry up and die, you prick," Tucker replied, clearly unamused.

"Really inspirational, man. I'm sure they'll put it on your tombstone," Reimu groaned.

At least the shock made Sanae stop crying.

"Okay. Herrrrgh! Bleh!"

The four girls just stared at each other for a moment. Then they looked at Marisa.

"... Well, that just happened?" she chuckled sheepishly.

"Alice?" said Reimu, turning to the young woman in question.

"Yeah?"

"Get 'The List'."

"Wait, what list?" asked Marisa nervously.

"With pleasure," with a motion of her hands and a small burst of purple magic, a note book appeared in Alice's lap.

"Now then Marisa," said Reimu, grinning devilishly in anticipation. "Since you killed my, and I quote, 'boyfriend', it is up to me to avenge him, isn't it?"

Marisa gulped. "Come on," she waved her hand. "You can't possible blame me for that." She tilted her head. "And what list are you talking about?"

"Stop complaining, you had it coming for quite some time now," answered Alice, holding up the book. "This is something we came up with during your last, well, 'incident'. We took a vote after we pared down a list of options. It's about time we put it to use."

"A vote?! A LIST?!" Marisa shrieked. "You guys made a FUCKING LIST?!"

"... Sort of?"

"Give it to me!" Marisa took the book and opened it, looking over the first page with dread.

"Iiiieeeeee!"

A tiny scream erupted from the glowing page and Marisa nearly dropped the book to the floor, as she bore witness to a well-drawn, if slightly cartoonish, moving depiction of a pack of wolves swiping open the midsection of a mini-Marisa, and feasting on her innards, as she thrashed and cried in agony.

"... What... the... actual... FUCK?!" Marisa cried. "Why would you even draw this shit?!"

Alice threw up her hands in mock offense. "I felt the extra detail would help to get across the significance of the punishment you might be facing!"

Marisa narrowed her eyes at the puppeteer. "Oh... good job," she said in an aggravated tone.

"By the way, Patchouli added a few drawings of her own as well," Alice added. "They are further in the back."

Marisa began to flip through the book.

"Aaaaaahhh—!"

"Eeehhhhhh—!"

"Whhhyyyyyeeee—?!"

"WHY DO THEY ALL SCREAM?!" Marisa exclaimed in shock. "WHY AM I BEING DEVOURED ALIVE IN EACH AND EVERY ONE?!"

Aya was now taking shots of Marisa face from every angle possible.

"'Thieving witch finally gets her just desserts'," she laughed. "Tomorrows paper is going to sell like hot buns!"

"SCREW YOU, FEATHER BRAIN!"

"We're so sorry," Reimu smirked. "We thought you liked animals."

"HOW IS THAT IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW?! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS?!"

Everyone in the room gave her a deadpanned stare.

Marias winced slightly. "Okay, but still! Overkill much?"

Reimu let out a sigh. "Alright, I'm sorry. Perhaps things got a little out of hand."

"'A little'?!"

Reimu huffed out in annoyance and pointed towards the second blonde in the room. "Alice had a little too much fun drawing the pictures."

Alice offered a sheepish grin. "Sorry... I'm pretty good at drawing on the fly, but it does take time to animate them and add sound effects."

Marisa took a moment to glance at one more illustration, apparently a tiny-cartoon version of herself being slowly digested by a enormous snake.

"AAAAAAAIEEEEEEE! I can feel my organs being liquefied!" a tiny voice called out from the picture.

"It was pretty fun. And therapeutic."

Marisa's right eyebrow twitched as she lowered the illustration. "Yeah, no shit..."

"What can I say? I'm an artist."

Marisa looked over to Sanae, who was quiet the whole time. "Help?" she asked hopefully.

"Mhmm... no," the green-haired miko smiled, while the rest of the girls were closing in on the witch.

Marisa couldn't help but to let out a sad, helpless whimper.

"I am so fucked...," she gulped, as she was jumped by the others.