Marisa Kirisame was a magician of great renown.
There were few foes that she could not either outwit or defeat, and she prided herself on her capacity to work through problems with sheer stubbornness.
It was this very sense of pride which was coursing through her veins right now, and which ached just a little bit at her current predicament.
Struggling with a grunt, Marisa pulled the sticky tape from one hand directly to the other, incapable of freeing herself from its wicked, tacky grasp.
A clever foe, indeed.
The witch frowned angrily, slowly lowering her right hand to the table and attempting to peel the tape off with its wooden edge. However, all she succeeded in doing was pushing even more of the ball of sticky tape onto her arm. Resisting the urge to slap her hand against the table, she groaned in frustration.
Remembering all her past experiences, which unfortunately had not prepared her for this sort of dangerous encounter, Marisa took a few deep breaths and forced herself to remain calm. It was only sticky tape.
Horrible, evil double-sided sticky tape, but sticky tape nonetheless.
She would be victorious.
Focusing, she gently bit her tongue between her teeth and attempted to use her other elbow to force the sticky tape bundle to the table, pushing down gently to remove it from her left hand. It slowly peeled away from her, and Marisa cheered jubilantly.
Only to discover that the sticky tape was now latched rather firmly to her elbow.
"Oh, for fuck's sake..."
Marisa punched the sticky tape ball with her now free hand, hitting it hard. In return, the tape-y bundle of doom swung around her arm, slapping her viciously in the face.
And that was where it stayed.
"... Shit," Marisa grumbled, almost positive that her fearsome opponent had just blackened her eye. She grappled the sticky tape with one hand and used her left foot in the attempt to free herself from its grasp.
Of course, this only served to leave her completely unbalanced when she found herself incapable of actually removing any of her limbs from the sticky tape.
Marisa swayed perilously on one leg for a moment, shouting incoherently as she struggled to retain her balance.
Finally, she managed to poise on a single foot without falling and she let out a little, hard earned sigh of relief.
This lasted only a split second, as the little witch immediately toppled to the ground afterwards.
Hissing in agitation, Marisa glowered hatefully at her devious enemy.
Thinking quickly, the she jerked her head backwards and pushed forward with her arms, using her one free leg to balance against the table leg and propel herself across the floor.
Somehow, Marisa managed to stick herself firmly to the wall.
"Okay," she breathed. "Okay, sweet cheeks. You can do this. You're the boss."
She would have sworn that the evil double-sided sticky tape would have cackled maniacally if it could, insisting that, no, she most certainly could not.
So, the evil double-sided sticky tape wanted to mock her, did it? Oh, the evil double-sided sticky tape would rue the day it challenged Marisa 'Motherfucking' Kirisame!
With a newfound determination, Marisa bit the sticky tape as hard as she could, in the attempt to tear the monstrous abomination from her hands.
She then began spitting in revulsion, because the evil double-sided sticky tape had collected filth from the floor, and therefore tasted terrible. Marisa groaned, a couple of strands of her golden hair lodging themselves against the sticky tape. Obviously, this would only end with one of them going bald, and the blonde refused to volunteer for the position.
With barely contained rage, that most definitely could have terrified a certain pair of loli-vampires, but sadly did nothing to the double-sided sticky tape o' doom, Marisa growled furiously and poured all of her strength into her arms, swinging desperately to free herself.
"Raaaraaaaragh!" Marisa argued with the ball as coherently as she could, refusing to put her tongue back in her mouth lest she should accidentally taste the terrible wrath of the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape. In vain, Marisa hurled her tape-coated hands at the wall, hoping to shed herself of the vile monster by using the wooden walls as support.
Instead, she stuck herself firmly to the wall.
"I weewhy thou ha thee thi comi," Marisa spluttered with her tongue lolling out of her mouth. Of course, what she meant to say was 'I really should have seen this coming', but it was doubtful that the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape would even have a proper rebuttal, so Marisa didn't bother rephrasing herself.
She carefully pried one arm as far left as she could, sticking her other one to the ball as leverage, so that she was now completely off the floor.
However, this also meant that she now had all four limbs trapped in the evil, nasty tasting, double-sided sticky tape, and had no way of freeing herself, no matter how hard she struggled.
And struggle, she did.
Marisa flailed like a fish out of water, even managing to free one hand. Still, it was the one furthest from the floor. Not put off in the slightest, she used this newfound freedom to further scrabble up the wall, attempting to peel herself from the sticky tape by detangling it one limb at a time.
She only managed to pull the rest of herself up the wall like the world's strangest spider.
Albeit, a very evil, nasty tasting, devious-double sided sticky tape spider.
*CLICK*
*SNAP*
"I could watch this for HOURS."
The devastated witch paused in her 'Wriggle of Despair', staring at the four girls now standing in the room's entrance, shaking with mirth as they watched the predicament their friend found herself in, Aya with her camera still in her hand.
"Phelpf?" Marisa asked hopefully.
Aya took another shot.
Marisa grimaced as she rolled her tongue back into her mouth. "Come on guys, I would really appreciate some help over here..."
*CLICK*
*SNAP*
"Stop taking pics, ya damn crow!"
"Whatever, 'sweet cheeks'," Aya smirked at Marisa's red face. "One can never have enough blackmail material." She shrugged. "Besides, since you were so vehemently against our initial ideas..."
"You guys wanted me mauled by wild animals!"
"... It was either the sticky tape challenge, or tentacles."
"Why were those the only choices?!"
"And since Reimu didn't want me to summon some eldritch squid from the abyss into her home," Alice continued, completely ignoring her. "And no one wanted to tarnish Sanae's innocence..."
"I'm an adult, you know," whispered said green-head silently, blushing slightly.
"... Sticky tape it was."
"Fine, whatever," Marisa grumbled. "Can you help me down now?"
"Are you crazy?" asked Reimu, waving her hand. "We'll get stuck, too."
"OH, COME ON!"
Season 01 / Episode 09: After Church
The episode opened with Simmons and Grif running up the ramp of their base, where Donut was waiting with the blue flag.
"What happened?" he asked as they reached him.
"Big... tank... shoot… WHOO!" Grif wheezed out.
"Damn, man. We only ran, like, three hundred feet. You are really out of shape," Simmons commented his fellow soldier.
"Fuck... you...," Grif panted out.
"Great comeback there," Reimu snarked, giving the orange trooper some mock applause.
"Where's your car?"
"General Patton here had a great plan to leave it behind," Simmons explained sarcastically.
"Hey, it would've worked if that tank hadn't shown up," Grif defended himself.
"Nope, it wouldn't," everyone retorted at once.
"You lost the jeep? Oh man, Lopez is gonna be pissed. Where is it?"
"Burning on the other side of the canyon?" Alice suggested nonchalantly.
Marisa whimpered silently from her position on the wall. At least the others were nice enough to move the TV to a position she can see it from as well.
As on cue the Warthog suddenly flipped up on the base from below by an explosion, landing between Donut and the other two.
"Jeeps back," Aya joked, while a certain witch cheered and blow a raspberry at her fellow blonde. Alice threw a cookie in response, hitting her on the nose.
"What the hell?" Grif wondered aloud, before another round hit the base. "SON OF A BITCH!"
"Oh crap! What the hell is that thing!?" yelled Donut, spotting the tank in the distance.
"That's the tank!"
"Hey, uh... Grif, uh, you wanna hold the flag for a little bit?"
"No! Get that away from me!" came the answer, while in the meantime Simmons was moving back and forth in panic.
"It's a literal death flag!" laughed Marisa, causing her friends to face-palm at the pun. Aya threw another cookie at her, hitting her on the nose as well.
Marisa sneezed.
The scene changed to Caboose, still inside of Sheila, with Tucker right next to them.
"Why do you keep firing at the jeep?"
"Because it's locked on."
["Target locked."]
"Well, unlock it!"
"Last time I unlocked it, I killed Church!" Caboose shouted back.
"Well, technically it locked onto Mr. Church on its own," Sanae argued. "It's not your fault for not finding the right switch in time."
"Also, blame Marisa," Reimu added.
"Yeah," everyone else agreed, while the magician in question grumbled.
"Screw you guys..."
"Oh, right... keep shooting the jeep then."
- Back at Red Base -
Donut had found cover on one side of the base, while Grif and Simmons were kneeling on the opposite side.
"I hate to be the one to point this out, guys, but I think we're screwed," Donut said as another shell hit the base.
"True, but hey, you can tell people in the Netherworld that it took a tank to kill you!" Marisa said with closed eyes and a nod.
"Yeah, because THAT is such a great consolation," countered Alice, shaking her head.
Pause.
"No cookie?"
"We're out."
"Yeah, I have to agree with the rookie on this one," Simmons commented.
Just then, the sound of a radio transmission came in.
["Blood Gulch Outpost Number One. Come in Blood Gulch Outpost, come in,"] a familiar voice called, as the scene changed to a group of vehicles flying over a.. sea? Ocean? Fuck it, the flew over water.
"Wait a fucking second! Are those things FLYING!?" Aya asked with wide eyes. "Ok, I'm willing to accept carriages that can move along the ground with no magic, but in the friggin air as well? Sanae, do they really have this in the Outside World?!"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, I kinda forgot," Sanae admitted sheepishly. "They're called 'airplanes,' or just 'planes' for short. From what I've learned in school, they function through a combination of aerodynamic wings and engines that spin propellers. The old ones were fairly slow, but the more recent ones are large and fast enough to carry around over one hundred people the length of an entire continent in only a few hours."
Everyone's jaws dropped as they heard that.
"In fact, the military has access to much faster ones called 'jets', which are basically rockets. Though they can only hold about two people, it's not uncommon for them to surpass the speed of sound."
"WHAT!?" Aya and Marisa shouted, one in shock, one in pure bliss.
["Do you read me?"] Sarge continued. ["This is Sergeant-"]
"Oh my God, Sarge, is that you!?" Grif asked in relieve, cutting his commanding officer off.
"Oh, come on! We were about to learn his name!" shouted Marisa.
"I have the feeling that we're never going to learn his name. Seems like some kind of running gag," Alice explained.
"So Reimu will never know the name of her father," Marisa sighed dramatically. "Such tragedy..."
"You know 'sweet cheeks', just because we're out of snacks doesn't mean I can't find something else to throw at you," warned the shrine maiden, with a forced smile and a pulsing vein on her temple.
Marisa gulped.
["Roger that, Private. I am currently inbound to your position from Command."]
"Sir, this is Simmons!" the maroon soldier began as another round went off, whizzing by over his head.
["Hello, Simmons. Everything's gone alright while I've been gone?"]
"Oh boy, you have no idea," grinned Reimu, returning her gaze from the sweating blonde back to the screen.
"Actually sir, things are kind of hectic right now. The new rookie arrived, and somehow he managed infiltrate the Blue Base," Grif began to explain as more tank round pelted the base. "And now we have their flag, the Warthog is damaged..."
"Thing is pretty sturdy to be in one piece after that," complemented Aya. "If I ever write an article about it, Momiji will need one of those cannons to keep the kappas out of my office."
"One of their guys is dead, and there's this huge fucking tank about to destroy our base!"
The radio was silent for some time, as only the background noise was heard. Then…
["... Am I talking to the right base?"]
"I know it's hard to believe," laughed Aya, while Sanae giggled and Reimu nodded with crossed arms.
"Gone for a day and shit hits the fan," she said. "I know the feeling."
"We get it, we are helpless without you," groaned Marisa. "Stop milking it!"
"Only when I finally get more donations! Or any at all for that matter!"
"Rather touching, as misplaced as that faith was," Alice added, ignoring the squabbling next to her.
"SARGE. WE. ARE GOING. TO. DIE. HERE!" Grif stressed as another round went off.
["Well hold tight, boys. I think I've got a solution to your little tank problem."]
"That's not going to end well, is it?" sighed Alice, while Marisa grimaced.
- The scene changed to Tucker and Caboose -
"Uh oh," Tucker said as he looked up to the sky.
A shadow passed over Red Base, and the sound of something roaring overhead came closer.
"Oh fuck," Marisa muttered in despair. She pulled similar stunts enough times to know exactly what was going to happen next.
"Hey, Caboose? You might want to get out of the tank. Like, right now," Tucker warned as he quickly backed away.
"I can't figure out HOW TO GET THIS THING OPEN!" Caboose shouted back.
["Night vision engaged."]
"Rookie! Get out, now!"
Meanwhile a trail of explosions was slowly getting closer and closer to Caboose and the tank.
"No, not another one!" Sanae pleaded. Everyone (except Marisa) leaned closer in fearful anticipation.
Caboose was now panting in anxiety. "Okay. Okay. Open the do… okay. Alright. Sheila, would you please open the door?"
["Driver canopy opened,"] Shiela announced, Caboose hopping out immediately. ["Thank you for using the M808V Main Battle Ta…"]
She was cut off by a direct hit, the following explosion powerful enough to knock her over.
Marisa froze in shock. "Oh no," she muttered, looking absolutely aghast. "Not Sheila!"
"Oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, oh crap, running, running, running!" Caboose shouted as he sprinted away. "Man! That was close!" he said as he caught up with Tucker.
"Too close," Sanae breathed out, inconspicuously wiping the sweat from her temple.
"Look at your tank, though."
Sheila was on her side and sparking electricity.
Marisa starred at the scene with dead eyes.
["I'm scared, Dave. Will I dream?"] Sheila asked as she powered down. ["Daisy~... Daaiiisssyyyyy~..."]
"SHIIIIIIEEEEEELAAAAAA! NOOOOOOOOOO!" Caboose (and Marisa) shouted in grief, while the others were covering their ears as the whole shrine vibrated.
"What? No! Shiela! Shiela!" Tucker paused. "... Wait, who's Sheila?"
Everyone face-palmed.
"Sheila's the lady in the tank. She was my friend," Caboose replied morosely.
"And mine, too," cried Marisa, big tears rolling down her cheeks.
"Oh, dude! I knew you could pick up chicks in a tank!"
"OH, FUCK YOU, DUDE!"
Additional Information
Kappas:
Kappa (lit. 'River Child') are a type of water spirit that live in rivers. In an oversimplified term, they are aquatic goblins.
Kappa in Gensokyo seem to be on relatively good terms with humans, but are extremely shy around them. They're also very talented inventors, mechanics and engineers and love to tinker with all sorts of machinery. Many of their inventions are decades beyond anything else in Gensokyo, but resemble more something one would find in a steampunk novel than in the Outside World.
They also really love cucumbers.