Season 01 / Episode 10: A Shadow of his Former Self

This time the episode opened with the sound of a radio transmission, with Tucker and Caboose standing next to their base.

"Come in, Blue Command. This is Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha. Do you read me?"

"Okay, that is the last of it. Your armour is clean now," Caboose announced, pooping up behind him.

"Did you get all the black stuff off?" Tucker asked, turning to Caboose.

"Two men, alone in a canyon, rubbing each other off," fantasized Marisa with a wide grin, watching in amusement as the rest of the group either groaned, blushed or turned green in response.

["This is Blue Command, come in Blood Gulch Outpost Alpha,"] a new voice responded over the line. The scene changed to show a middle-aged man with a buzz cut, wearing a grey and yellow military uniform.

"So this is one of the guys who sent them to this death trap?" asked Aya. "Huh, expected someone more, well, sinister looking."

"Hello! Command! We need help!" Tucker said.

["Roger that, Blood Gulch. What is your request?"]

"I don't know what the technical military term is for it, but, uh, we're pretty fucked up down here."

"I believe the term is 'FUBAR'," said Sanae, tapping her chin in thought. "I heard that term once, but when I looked it up in a dictionary, I couldn't find anything. I think it might be an acronym..."

Reimu, Marisa, Alice and Aya exchanged knowing smirks.

"You're not wrong," Reimu smiled, while Sanae tilted her head in confusion.

"We need men!" Tucker continued.

["... Dude, how long have you guys been down there?"]

Silence.

Cue Marisa laughing up a storm, as the other girls once again blushed and/or groaned.

"Damn it, Marisa," moaned a red-faced Alice, but like the others, she couldn't prevent a small chuckle escaping her.

"No, no, no, no! No-not like that! We need more men to help us," Tucker clarified quickly.

["Roger that. Did you get the tank we sent?"]

"Yeah... that got blown up, too."

Marisa whimpered, while the others rolled their eyes in complete sync.

["Wow... sucks to be you."]

"Yeah, we know…"

"Even I'm starting to feel sorry for them," stated Alice.

["Okay, here's what I can do. The nearest Blue forces can be there in sixteen days, or I…"]

"'Sixteen days'!? That's almost two weeks!" Tucker interrupted.

"Two weeks and two days, to be accurate," said Sanae helpfully.

["… Or I can hire a nearby Freelancer and get them there within a few hours."]

"Freelancer?"

"I like the 'in an hour' one," Caboose said.

"Yeah, me too. Roger that, Command. We prefer the quicker solution."

["10-4, Blood Gulch. We'll contact Freelancer Tex and have him there post-haste. Command out."]

"Whoever he is, make sure he can fix the tank," added Tucker as an afterthought, before cutting of the transmission.

"What's a Freelancer?" Caboose asked.

"Freelancers are independent. They're not Red or Blue. They're just guns for hire, who'll fight for whoever has the most money."

"... Like a mercenary."

"Or like Marisa."

"Up yours, feather brain."

"Right. Or like your mom when the rent's due."

"... That... was a painfully forced joke," Alice stated openly, not even bothering to muster up the energy to act upset.

"Well timed though," Reimu admitted with a shrug.

"... Oh, that's funny."

"Yeah? You didn't think that was too obvious?"

"No, no, not at all. That was good."

"Well, at least he's taking it in stride?" Sanae commented uncertainly.

Suddenly they were interrupted by a ghostly voice, coming seemingly from nowhere. "Tuckeeeeer. Tuuuuuuckeeeeeer!"

With that a white, transparent man in armour appeared between them.

"Whoa, what the fuck?" exclaimed Marisa in shock. "Wait, is that...?"

Startled, Tucker faced the newcomer. "Who they hell are you?!"

"I am the ghost of Chuuuurch! And I've come back with a waaaaarniiiiiing!"

"That's surprising," Alice said, blinking owlishly.

"Guess he's not going anywhere just yet," Reimu agreed, taking a swig of her tea. Then she paused in her movement.

"Something wrong?" smiled a relieved Sanae, looking at her friend/rival.

"[Treasure Sign "Yin-Yang Orb"]," Reimu answered, sending a small orange ball of magic at Marisa. The witch could only blink in surprise, before the attack hit her.

*BOOM*

Silence.

Aya, Alice and Sanae starred at the Hakurei miko in shock.

Reimu calmly took a sip from her cup.

Marisa was moaning and smoking.

"Uhm, Reimu," asked Aya carefully. "What was that for?"

"She was about to make a comment about my 'boyfriend' being back."

Marisa groaned in response. "I wasn't going to..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Okay, maybe I was."

"You're not Church! Church is blue! You're white!" Caboose declared as if he'd just uncovered an obvious lie.

"He has a point," mused Aya, turning to the still charred Marisa. "Hey witchy, if you die, can you come back so we can see if your ghost is black and white?"

Marisa shakily raised her hand and flipped the tengu off.

"Rookie, shut up, man! I'm a freaking ghost! Have you ever seen a blue ghost before?" Church snapped back.

"Yeah, that's definitely him," Tucker muttered.

"An asshole even when he's dead," Reimu agreed.

"Now I gotta start all over again."

"Please don't," pleaded Alice, rubbing her temple.

Church cleared out his throat. "Tuckeeeeer. Tuuuuuuckeeeeeer! I've come back with a waaaaarniiiiiing!"

"Is it really necessary to do the voice?" asked Tucker.

"Yuyuko does it sometimes," shrugged Aya.

"Yeah, it's kind of annoying," Caboose added in agreement.

"I think that's the point."

"Fine," Church huffed, dropping the dramatics. "Okay, here's the deal. I've come back from the dead to give you a warning about Tex. Don't let-"

"What's the warning?" Caboose interrupted.

"Shut up for one second and I'll tell you!"

"Oh, sorry."

"Seriously man, I mean I'm coming back from the great beyond here. Do you think this is easy? It's not. It's not like just, you know, pop in and out whenever I feel like it, it takes a lot of concentration."

"Sorry."

"Do you think that Yuyuko and Youmu have the same problem whenever they come over?" asked Sanae, causing the others to look at each other in thought.

"I have actually no idea," Alice admitted. "Maybe we can ask them next time we see them."

"I mean, it's bad enough that you killed me to begin with, but now I come back and I can't even get a word in edgewise, man," Church finally stopped his rant and sighed. "Okay. here's the deal-"

"Is this the warning?"

"All right, that's it! I swear to God, Caboose, your ass is haunted. When we're done here, I'm gonna haunt you."

"Yeah, you're even starting to bug me," Tucker added.

"Okay, Tucker, you remember that I told you I was stationed on Sidewinder before they transferred me here to Blood Gulch, right?"

"No."

"Sidewinder? Isn't that the ice planet?" Caboose asked.

"Yes," Church confirmed.

"Cool! What was that like?"

"Um... it was cold."

"That's it? Just cold?"

"What do you want from me, a poem? It's a planet made entirely out of ice. It's really. Fucking. Cold."

"Sounds like Cirno's kind of place," mused Sanae.

"Would you just let him talk?" Tucker complained to Caboose.

"Alright, well, one day when I was there, everything was just like normal," Church began as the scene changed to the Blue Base of Sidewinder.

Sure enough, there was ice and snow everywhere. Duh.

"I remember I was out on patrol with my partner Jimmy," Church continued. "That Jimmy was a real good kid, everybody liked him."

"He's a goner," Marisa deadpanned.

"Do you think I was a good kid, Church?" Tucker asked.

"Tucker, don't get jealous, man."

"Did anyone else noticed how similar Tucker and Marisa are?" asked Reimu, while the others blinked in realization. "Both act like children, are annoying, have no respect for authority and are perverts."

"Now that you say it out loud, you're right," mused Alice, ignoring the muffled complaints of the witch. "The first and third point describe most of Gensokyo's inhabitants though."

"And Reimu is a lot like Church, and Caboose is like Cirno," added Sanae. "I wonder if we'll see more characters who're like people we know."

"The dynamic of the Blue team matches the three of you pretty well," Aya agreed with the green-haired shrine maiden.

"Just listen to the story. Like I said, the guys were hanging around, waiting for some action, bitching about the cold..."

The view continued to pan over a nearby group of Blues.

"Man, it's fucking cold," one of them complained.

"I hope we get some action," another added.

"And they jinxed it."

"Anyway, Jimmy was in the middle of telling me all about this girlfriend he had back home…"

"Yep, as soon as I get back, I'm gonna get down on one knee and ask her to marry me."

"Oh for the love of… YOU'RE NOT EVEN TRYING ANYMORE!" Sanae snapped, irritated at the lack of subtlety of how doomed this poor men were.

"And that's when Tex showed up."

With that a neigh-invisible silhouette of a soldier entered the base as dramatic music started to play.

"Their armour can turn invisible, too?" asked Aya, whistling. "That's darn impressive."

"Maybe we should invest in armour, too," joked Alice. "Though it looks a little too rough for a lady such as myself. Maybe if I can make a few alterations to its design..."

"Ugh... boring!" Marisa interrupted. "I mean, your clothes look pretty and all, but what are you going to do about your pretty frilly dresses if you someone grabs you for an impromptu danmaku battle? Or you have to run away really fast?"

Alice rolled her eyes, blushing. "Like yours is any better."

"First of all, it's not a dress, but a combat skirt. Big difference. Second, if shit hits the fan, I can always strip naked," Marisa countered without a hint of hesitation or embarrassment. She frowned slightly. "I mean... I do hope I'm playing skins, otherwise I'm screwed."

There was a beat of silence before the room broke into a fit of laughter, even Alice couldn't help but join in.

"Private Mickey was the first to go. He was halfway across the base when he just started screaming bloody murder."

"BLOODY MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!" Private Mickey shouted, firing is gun wildly in every direction.

"I don't think that's how that expression works," Reimu chuckled, like most of the audience.

"They... they take things quite literally, don't they?" Sanae muttered with a forced smile, starting to hyperventilate.

"The whole thing was over before it even started," Church explained as Tex quickly took down every single member of the Blue team, one by one. "Poor Jimmy was the last one to go. Tex walked up to him, pulled Jimmy's skull right out of his head, and beat him to death with it."

"Uh... what?" Alice asked flabbergasted.

"Wait a second," Tucker interrupted as the scene changed back to him. "How do you beat someone to death with their own skull? That doesn't seem physically possible."

"Why do I have to agree with him?!"

"That's exactly what Jimmy kept screaming."

The scene, sure enough, changed to the now visible Tex, who's wearing black armour, beating Jimmy. With. His. Own. FRIGGIN. Skull.

"This doesn't seem physically possible!" he shouted before finally keeling over. "Hurk! Bleh!"

"OH HEAVENS!" screamed Sanae, covering her eyes with both hands and dived beneath the table.

"... Okay, NOW I'm scared," admitted Reimu with wide eyes. "Just a tiny, little bit."

Aya and Alice, who're in a similar state as Reimu, were simply nodding.

Marisa on the other hand? Well,...

"Holy shit, I want to do that, too!" cheered the excited witch.

When they saw Marisa's impressed face, the rest of the girls face-palmed in unison.

"... We're doing that a lot lately, aren't we?" Reimu mumbled.

- Back to Church in the present -

"Bottom line is, these Freelancer's, they're bad news, and Tex is one of the worst."

"If he's such a badass, why didn't he kill you?" Caboose asked.

The scene then once again turned to Church in the past, all alone, surrounded by his dead comrades.

"These poor soldiers," Sanae wept, while the others tried to comfort her.

"To tell ya, I don't know why I'm not dead. Coulda killed me at any point. But maybe it's because Tex and I have run into each other once before."

"Where?" Tucker , as the scene changing back to the present.

"They know each other?" asked a confused Aya.

"You, uh... you remember that girl I told you about back home? Well, let's just Tex is real reason why we never got married."

"Wow, I sense a love-triangle," grinned Aya, rubbing her hands excitedly. "I love those!"

"Only because you like to write about them," deadpanned Marisa. "Real or not. Like the time you shipped me with Patchouli and Alice. Or me, Reimu and Sanae. Or all five of us, for that matter."

"I don't see why it is my fault you guys are dancing around each other," countered the reporter, ignoring the glares from her blushing victims.

"Guys, I'm fading fast and I don't know when I'll be back. Just listen to my warning. Don't let Tex get involved here."

"Okay."

"I mean it, Tucker. No fighting, no scouting, nothing," Church reiterated as he began to fade. "You'll regret it."

"Tex is getting involved," everyone said at once.

"So... Tex and Church were after the same girl."

"I told you his girlfriend was a slut," Caboose said in satisfaction.

"You just do not learn your lesson, do you?" Sanae chided the blue rookie.

The camera panned away from them, only to reveal a pair of black armoured legs.

"Oh boy," commented Aya this development.

"This is starting to get interesting," Reimu added.

"Yeah, It's almost like... there's an actual plot starting," Alice agreed.

Everyone looked to each other for a moment. "Nah," they all said simultaneously and prepared for the next episode.

"Uhm, guys? Can you let me down now? I can't feel my legs... seriously, what is this stuff made of?"

Character Introduction

Name: Youmu Konpaku

Race: Half Human, Half Phantom

Age: unknown, but under 60 years

Occupation: Gardener, Sword Instructor

Eyes: Dark Blue

Hair: Silver

Special Features: Her ghostly half is a formless phantom as large as her human half

Title: Gardener of the Azure Sky

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Sword Mastery

Notes:

Youmu Konpaku is one of the stranger entities in Gensokyo, part human and part phantom at the same time. Her two halves are not intermixed like one would expect from a cross-breed, but actually exist in physically separate bodies. Youmu has a straightforward and focused personality, which complements her swordfighting skills well. However, her personality conflicts with that of her master, Yuyuko Saigyouji, who is very whimsical and playful in nature. Still, she serves Yuyuko as best as she can, tending to the gardens in Hakugyokurou and following her orders.

Youmu commonly wields two blades at once: the longer blade, called 'Roukanken', is said to be able to kill ten ghosts in one swipe. The shorter blade, 'Hakurouken', is able to cleave through a person's own confusion.

Name: Yuyuko Saigyouji

Race: Ghost

Age: over 1.000 years

Occupation: Ghost Princess

Eyes: Maroon

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Her danmaku are usually shaped like butterflies

Title: The Elegant Ghost

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Manipulation of Death, Ability to control departed souls

Notes:

Yuyuko Saigyouji is the ghost princess of Hakugyokurou, but was once a living human. Long ago, after her death from suicide, her body was used to place a seal on the 'Saigyou Ayakashi', a dangerous youkai cherry tree, to stop it from killing innocent humans.

She has the power to invoke instant death upon any living being and souls who perish this way wind up in Hakugyokurou rather than Heaven or Hell. Though it might seem dangerous for such a whimsical, seemingly impulsive personality to wield such a terrible power, Yuyuko appears to have a strong sense of responsibility regarding her power and never uses it recklessly or out of spite, nor does she use it as a weapon.

Ironically, it was this power that drove her to kill herself in the first place.

Humans fear Yuyuko because of her fearsome power and a general fear of the supernatural, but she is very cheerful and friendly. Unlike many ghosts, she resembles a living human, and her playful, good-humored personality, otherworldly beauty, and courtesan charm can have a disarming effect. She often makes bizarre and apparently nonsensical remarks and sometimes seems to overlook the obvious, leading to her characterization as an airhead or a ditz.

Probably originating from the term 'hungry ghost', she is also known for her incredible appetite and seems to have a food-related metaphor for any situation.

She's also a long-time friend of Yukari. Actually, it was her who turned Yuyuko into a ghost after her dead.

Yuyuko is truly 'dead and loving it'.