Dicks are W.M.D.'s
"How about we watch another one of those P.S.A.'s next?" Alice suggested. "That way we can calm down a little before continuing with the next episode."
Reimu, with Sanae still at her side, shrugged. "Fine by me."
The others nodded as well, so the doll mistress hit play.
With the sound of a now familiar guitar riff, the scene opened to Grif and Simmons standing in front of their base, facing the camera directly.
"Hi. I'm Private Dick Simmons from the popular web series 'Red vs. Blue'," Simmons began.
"And I'm Private Dexter Grif, from the same show," Grif introduced himself.
"Simmons' first name is 'Dick'? Seriously, who the fuck names their kid 'Dick'?" asked Reimu in bemusement, while Sanae straightened herself.
"Heh, 'Private Dick'," Marisa snickered.
"Outside names are weird," Aya concluded with shrug.
"Actually, that's probably just the short version of what is his full name," Alice clarified, straightening her lecture glasses (where did she get them?). "The name 'Richard', meaning 'Mighty Ruler', is sometimes shortened to 'Rick', and then to 'Dick' as a nickname," she summarized. "I assume the case is the same here."
"Does anybody else think that his name is kind of ironic then?" asked Marisa, with everyone agreeing promptly.
"But you know what? We're not here to talk to you today as famous actors," Simmons continued.
"I kinda doubt the 'famous' part," quipped Aya.
"That's right Dick, we're here to talk to you as friends."
"That's a fuckin' lie and you know it," Reimu snorted while crossing her arms.
"In our show, 'Red Vs. Blue', we poke fun at things like the military lifestyle, and weapons of mass destruction."
"Weapons of mass destruction? That doesn't sound ominous at all," Aya commented sarcastically, before looking at Sanae for additional information.
The miko in question gave an unhappy sigh in response. "They are basically weapons capable of annihilating entire cities in the blink of an eye," she explained. "They're generally considered as so destructive and cruel, that pretty much every nation has agreed not to use them, even in times of war."
"... Well damn," the tengu cursed. "I can understand that no one wants to dirty their hand with those."
"Yeah, they're pretty terrible," Sanae sniffed.
Reimu nudged Alice with her elbow. "Hey, I thought we tried to cheer her up!" she whispered. "Her mood is getting worse again!"
Alice shrugged helplessly.
"But weapons of mass destruction are no laughing matter. Each year, several planets-," Grif started, only for a sniper round to whiz past him.
"Hey!" both troopers yelled in unison.
"Son of a bitch!" Simmons cried as he ducked.
"They didn't move, but the shooter missed them anyway," Reimu groaned, looking around. "Church?"
"Church," the other four agreed evenly.
"YOU! CUT IT OUT, DICK, WE'RE TRYING TO DO SOMETHING!" Grif shouted angrily.
"HEY RED! YOU SUCK, BLUE RULES!" came the mocking reply from Church.
"I SEE YOU!" Grif called back as he ran off-screen. "OH YEAH, I SEE YOU UP THERE BUDDY!"
"I'm sure a lot of you have encountered weapons of mass destruction in your daily lives," Simmons continued, popping back into view. "In fact, you may have some friends who think it's 'cool' to stockpile VX Nerve Gas. But it's not. They may say 'everybody's doing it', but if they told you to jump off a-"
Another round whizzed past him.
"Son of a bitch!" Simmons repeated as he ducked down again.
"ALMOST GOT YOU THAT TIME, CHUMP!" Church shouted.
"No, and not even close," Reimu sighed tiredly. "Seriously, aren't they usually just standing around all day, talking? If he has that much free time, why isn't he using his it to actually learn HOW TO FUCKING SHOOT!"
"Oh, oh that's it! I'm getting my rifle!" Grif declared as he crossed the screen behind Simmons, entering the base.
"And remember kids, violence is never the answer!" Simmons added quickly as more bullets hit the air around him, and the screen went dark.
"YOU COCKBITE!"
"YEAH, I BET THAT ONE HURT!"
"Hey Sanae, you're quiet again. Are you okay?" asked Alice in a soothing tone, facing the green-haired shrine maiden.
"Yes, yes, it is just... just...," Sanae sighed pitifully. "All of this reminds me of the time before I came here to Gensokyo."
She raised her head and looked at the sympathetic faces around her.
"Everyone makes fun of the new guys, even though they just want to be friends with the others. And then they get ridiculed, hurt... or even worse."
The other girls looked at each other, silently cursing their uselessness. No one knew how do deal with this situation.
"I mean, they're not bad people. Funny even. But how do they can be so nonchalant about the misery of their comrades and others? Even Simmons, Grif's closest friend, is mean and terrible to him..."
"You're right," Marisa suddenly interrupted the conversation, with a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. "I have half a mind... TO SPANK DICK!"
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...
The others froze at that statement. Gradually their lips curled upwards, and everyone started laughing. Even Sanae let out a soft giggle.
"I'm just saying," Marisa continued gleefully. "If one would spank Dick every time he misbehaved, he wouldn't be so difficult to handle!"
Reimu sighed in mock annoyance, tacking a sip from her tea. "Marisa, you can't just spank Dick every time you get frustrated."
"I'm not actually going to," the witch rolled her eyes. "I'm only thinking about it."
"I'm not sure I'm comfortable with how much joy you get fantasizing about spanking Dick," Alice chimed in. "You should try being a little gentler, like Sanae here." She pointed at the now widely smiling girl.
"Yes," Sanae agreed, chuckling. "Sometimes you have to be gentle and patient when you want satisfying results."
"I tell you, that's not going to work! You need to be hard and forceful with someone like him!"
Alice covered her mouth with her hands to hide her massive grin. "So you really want to spank Dick hard and forcefully?"
"Yes, until he goes limp!" Marisa cheered.
"Sounds like fun," Aya laughed. "Maybe I'll join you sometime."
"Well, at least she's not threatening to throttle him," Reimu added with a smirk.
"Wait," said Sanae, trying and failing to keep a straight face. "Are you implying that Marisa might want to 'choke Dick'?"
"Yes! Isn't it awful?"
Alice faced the witch. "So, if you would choke him, how would you do it?"
"Well, by the throat, obviously!"
"Riiiight, obviously," said her fellow blonde in satisfaction. "Just checking."
"Oh my," Sanae giggled with a deep-red face. "You really don't like him, do you?"
"Nah, I just want to play around a bit. I love Dick! You can ask anyone around!"
"Oh yeah," agreed Reimu, shaking with mirth. "I'm sure anyone would attest to how much you love Dick."
"See?" Marisa waved in Reimu's direction while addressing Sanae. "Even Reimu can tell how much I love Dick just by looking at me!"
That finally broke the dam. Everyone collapsed in laughter, tears rolling down their cheeks while they struggled to breathe properly.
After some time, things slowly calmed down again, with the occasional giggle from the still red-faced girls.
"Oh heavens," Sanae chuckled, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, I needed that."
Marisa waved her hand with a smile. "Nah, no biggie. Nothing better than a bit silliness to get the anger and stress out of the system."
"No really," Sanae insisted with a genuine smile. "Thank you."
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"... Does that mean that you let me down now?"