Chapter 18: She is not me
She doesn't love you like I do
She doesn't have my name
However she tries to act like it
She'll never be the same
She's not me...
Lily kept her eyes closed as Jet held her close to him, nuzzling into her hair. Her right hand lay flat on his chest, while the left twisted the corner of the pillow. He sighed sleepily and squeezed her tighter.
'What do we do now?' Lily tried to keep the dark, little voice quiet, but it was growing, echoing inside her head...
'How are you going to tell him?'
The storm continued to howl outside the window and made the old windows creek. Meanwhile, the rest of the team sat, crowded in a booth at the Magic Pan. Francoise stirred her tea, the only sound to match the crackle of the fire place as they sat in darkness. "When can we go back home, Francoise?" Joe asked, irritation in his voice. She sipped her tea, eyes closed. "Hmmm, another hour or so." Ivan wiggled in his basket by the fire. 6 solid days asleep now.
Lily lifted her head to see what time it was. 23.20 shone back at her from the analog clock. Her movement awoke Jet and hands slid down to her lower back. Lily turned to face him, giving him a weak smile. "Hi..." she said softly. He smiled back at her, his eyes heavy. "That was... well, amazing." She breathed deeply. Jet chuckled, "I had a great teacher." Lily raised an eyebrow. "You, you doofus!" He grinned and ruffled her hair. Lily giggled softly but then dropped her gaze.
"Jet, we need to -" but she was cut off as Jet sat up. "Lily, I know what you are going to say. We don't need to talk or worry, or stress. At least not for tonight. Everything is going to be okay." And with that he pulled her into a tight embrace. "I can't lose you again," he whispered into her hair. "I don't know what I would do if I lost you again," his voice cracking.
Does she make you feel wanted like I did
Make you feel like you're the one thing that matters
You let her head rest on your chest
But when you close your eyes
You'll be seeing my face again
I'll be crossing your mind
You'll be dreaming of places we went
And then you'll wake up to find
That she's not me.
Lily shuddered, and returned his affection by softening in his arms. She nestled under his chin and stroked his arm. Rain pelted the windows. The only light came from the analog clock. Even the street lights were out. Lily tried again.
"Jet, I'm afraid," she whispered. This time, Jet did not cut her off. "What are you afraid of?" He asked, hesitantly. Lily swallowed hard.
"I'm afraid that you won't love me like you loved the past Lily. I'm not her. No amount of learning, research and being reassured of my past self will make me her. All I can do is listen to stories, read what she wrote, and try to become her... but I don't know if I can." Lily sat up on heels. "What if I never get my memories back, or what if I am different to what you remember? What if.." Jet pulled himself up and leaned forward. Lily sighed again. "What if you can't love me like you used to?" Tears threatened to spill over.
Jet remained still. "Lily, you are worrying too much. I know you this is difficult but -"
"How do you know? You have no idea, Jet! I am trying so hard but I can't just pretend I am back to normal or something!" Her words were not anger, but panic.
"You are right, I am not trying to belittle what you are going through, I want you to know from my side, you have nothing to worry about. I love you. In every sense of love. The kind of love that scares me. You are not a different person, Lily, you are still you."
Lily shoulders dropped, "But I don't know... me."
Jet moved forward and put his arms around her. "We have to just do our best. I am so sorry that I was angry, and scared, and said shit things to you back on the beach. I was going crazy without you for the past two days." Lily wrapped her arms around his waist. "I missed you too."
He kissed her softly, hands moving up to her face. "I am not going anywhere. Old you, new you, all the same you, as far as I care. I am not scared for us anymore. I am not scared for you. You are my hero, Lily." And with that, he pulled her down, back into the twisted bed linen as lightning ripped the sky and the rest of the team made their way home.
...
Author's note: I live! Life has been crazy this past year - I could very use myself as an insert to a story here, looooool! Totally out of practice (of my shitty writing) so it is only short this time... have a few more chapters lined up to finish off this arc of the story. I missed writing. Currently doing this on my phone cos my laptop bit the dust wahhhh. Song is She is Not Me by Zara Larsson. I hope to have another up before Christmas, I HOPE! Xoxoxox