Season 01 / Episode 13: Human Peer Bonding

- On top of the Blue Base -

"Let me get this straight," Tucker began, facing Church. "You're telling me that the guy that showed up here, scared the living shit out of us, shot at Caboose and beat the hell out of the Reds wasn't a guy at all? That he was a chick? And on top of that, she was your ex-girlfriend?"

"In a nutshell, yes. That's an excellent summary," Church replied nonchalantly.

"So... Tex is actually a girl," Sanae stated, still somewhat shocked. "And she and Mr. Church were dating?"

"I have no idea why they broke up. They're basically perfect for each other," Alice commented, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Maybe Church is secretly a masochist?" Marisa wondered aloud, before giving Reimu a mischievous smirk. "Come to think of it, you would look great in leather and latex, Reimu."

Ignoring the blushing and spluttering miko, Alice gave the witch another whack with her newspaper.

"OUCH! Hey, I'm just saying Reimu has to step up her game if she wanna-"

Marisa was interrupted by another punch, courtesy of a still blushing Reimu this time.

"Shut ya mouth, bitch tits!"

"Ow, crap baskets," Marisa cursed, nursing the bumps on her head.

Leaning over a beet-red Sanae, Aya smirked at the Hakurei Shrine maiden. "You now, if you model in that kind of outfit for my paper, you'll never have to worry about money ever again~..."

With a shriek, Sanae clasped her hands over her nose as tiny droplets of crimson blood leaked between her fingers.

"Obligatory disturbed reaction," Alice deadpanned, before noticing the contemplative look on Reimu's face. Raising an eyebrow, she nudged her. "You're not really thinking about accepting her offer, are you?"

Reimu blushed. "Noooooooooo?"

Alice sighed. "I need a vacation after this. A long, nice vacation, far away from everyone else..."

"I should've known. She didn't like me. Girls never like me," Caboose whispered sadly.

"Aw, I like you," Sanae smiled, inconspicuously whipping her nose clean.

"Caboose, I don't think anybody likes you," Tucker said back.

"Up yours, jerk head! No one likes YOU!"

"I like me..."

"I don't think I've seen a girl that mean before. ("Obviously he never met Reimu." *WHACK* "OW!") Are you sure she's a chick, and not a guy? Or like part guy, part shark?"

"Are there any youkai like that?" asked Aya, tapping her chin in thought.

"Wakasagihime and other mermaids maybe?" Reimu offered. "Come to think of it, here're surprisingly few fish-type youkai in Gensokyo."

"I'm pretty sure I would know if Tex was a guy, and I'm DEFINITLY sure I would know if she was part shark," Church answered.

"I guess that means she doesn't have teeth down there," Marisa said with a smirk, while the other girls blanched at that mental image.

"Heavens, WHAT is wrong with you?!" Alice groaned, gulping down her gastric acids.

Marisa simply shrugged. "I should probably stop using my face as a cushion when I crash."

"... How do you even function?"

"Wait, wait, wait... if she's a girl, then why is she named Tex?" Caboose asked curiously.

"Uh... because she's from Texas," Church answered in a 'duh'-tone of voice. Caboose just stared silently at him for a few moments. "Trust me, it makes sense," he relented.

"In his defence, a lot of names in Gensokyo relate to ones origins or abilities," Sanae noted, siding with Church.

"And you can't blame her for being so aggressive. It's not entirely her fault to begin with. "

"I REALLY doubt that," Reimu snarled, Sanae nodding in agreement.

"Right. You should blame God. First he makes hangovers and now half-women, half-sharks that won't even sleep with me. THANKS FOR NOTHING, GOD!" Tucker shouted towards the sky.

The girls laughed at his misfortune.

"Will you shut up with that? She got recruited into some kind of weird experimental program back in basic, where they infused her armour with this really aggressive A.I.," Church defended his former girlfriend. "I'm not really sure how it all works, but all I know is that it made her meaner and tougher than hell."

"They were experimenting on their own soldiers?" Alice asked with frown. "Things are getting more and more dubious with this army."

"A.I... what's the A stands for?"

"Artificial."

"... What's the I-?"

"Intelligence."

"Ooooooh. What was the A again?"

"Let's move on."

"'Artificial Intelligence'? You mean, like artificial life?" Aya asked in surprise, looking at Sanae.

"Kind of, but it's a bit more complicated than that. Basically, A.I.'s are machines that can think and function on their own," Sanae explained. "They can be really smart, but still lack the ability to solve problems creatively or act like an actual living being."

"Wow, that sounds awesome," Aya whistled, while the other girls were just as impressed. "The kappas would go nuts if they ever get their hands on something like that."

"I wonder what would happen if we could mix outside technology and magic?" the Moriya miko mused. "On one hand, we could end up with Skynet. On the other, WALL-E..."

"What are you babbling about?" asked Reimu, tilting her head.

"Oh, nothing important. Maybe I'll visit Kourindou next time I'm in the village..."

"So, the military put this program in her head and that program made her a killer, but underneath it all she's really just a sweet, down-home girl?" Tucker asked in a disbelieving tone.

"Why would they do that?" wondered Marisa. "Having two voices in your head would be super confusing, wouldn't it?"

"Remember what I said earlier?" Sanae answered. "A.I.'s can think much faster than an ordinary human or youkai. That's means they speed up your own thought and reaction process as well."

"Sounds useful."

"Oh, hell no! She's always been a rotten bitch. It's just now she's a rotten bitch with cybernetic enhancements."

"Wait, if she's such a bitch anyway, why were they dating?" Reimu asked.

"Maybe Marisa was on to something," smirked Aya, giving the red and white miko a playful nudge.

"Maybe Tex didn't love Mr. Church after all?" Sanae suggested. "I mean, why would anyone hurt someone they actually like?"

Alice and Marisa looked at Sanae, then at each other.

- FLASHBACK START -

"So," Alice asked, as Marisa sat down next to her. "How was your date?"

"I chokeslammed him through a table."

Alice put down the book she was reading, staring at Marisa as if she had grown a second, and then a third, head.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I chokeslammed him through a table," Marisa repeated, as if that were a perfectly normal thing to say to another person.

"... What is a 'Chokeslam'?"

"It's a wrestling move. I grabbed him by the throat, lifted him over my head and slammed him onto his back."

"Why did you 'chokeslam' the poor boy?!"

"Because I wanted to do an 'Undertaker' move but didn't feel like setting him up for a 'Piledriver'."

"This conversation is creating more questions than answers," Alice sighed, eyeing the cup of tea on the side table next to her. "We'll continue when I get something a bit stronger. Maybe you'll make more sense after a glass, or six, of red wine."

- Ten minutes and seven glasses of wine later -

"Nope," said the puppeteer, polishing off her drink and setting her glass onto the counter. "You're still an idiot."

"Whatever," said Marisa, leaning back in her chair. "Can I go now? I have another date later."

Alice grabbed the wine, ignoring her glass, and took a long swig straight from the bottle.

"With whom?" she asked with a sigh. Marisa shrugged, at which point Alice took another swig. "You do understand that you are what drives me to drink, don't you?"

"Keine hooked me up with someone," Marisa answered nonchalantly. "Probably gonna powerbomb him or something."

"Should I even bother asking?"

"I bend him over at the waist and put his head between my legs..."

"Please keep it PG."

"... Then, I grab him around the middle and flip him up so that he's sitting on my shoulders and he's facing behind me. Then I drop down to my butt and slam him onto his back."

"Do you always slam your potential dates onto their spines?" Alice groaned.

Marisa shook her head. "Most dudes are too heavy to get them over my head for any of the really cool moves. Normally, I go for a 'Spear' or something."

"'Spear'?"

"Is Cirno still around?"

"Last time I saw her she was outside chasing butterflies," Alice answered. She instantly grew suspicious as Marisa stood up. "Why?"

Alice quickly followed her through the living room and out the front door. They stepped onto the front yard, where the little ice fairy was indeed flying back and forth in hot pursuit of a bright yellow butterfly.

Marisa dropped to a crouch, raking back her hair with her hands.

"What are you doing?" asked Alice, finishing off her wine. Again, Marisa ignored her, completely focused on whatever it was she was doing. She stuck out her tongue, licking her lips repeatedly in a truly eccentric fashion.

"Oi, Cirno!"

Said fairy instinctively turned to face the source of the voice, freezing when she saw Marisa's stance.

"Oh please, no!" Cirno squealed, though it was too late. As soon as she was fully turned around, Marisa bolted forward, then flung herself through the air, burying her shoulder in Cirno's gut and brought her to the ground.

"That's a 'Spear'," Marisa grinned, dusting the grass from her skirt. "But I can't always set them up for that, 'cause I don't have enough room to get enough speed, so I'll lock in a 'Liontamer'."

"Stop murdering my guests!" shouted Alice. "I'm not losing out on my weekend holding her hands in the hospital because you punctured her lung!"

"She's fine," Marisa argued, rolling her eyes. "We have been doing this for years."

"You just flattened her!"

"Again, she's fine." She looked over to Cirno, who was coughing and sputtering while holding her stomach in agony. "Hey, ice cube. You okay?"

Cirno gave a weak thumbs-up.

"See? She's fine."

"She's trying to stop her intestines from rupturing!" shouted Alice. "She is not fine! She's... what the fuck are you doing?!"

While Alice was talking, Marisa had grabbed Cirno's legs and flipped her onto her stomach. Then she bent her back as far as she could, keeping her head down with one knee.

"'Liontamer'. I didn't explain that one," said Marisa, almost unheard over Cirno's tearful sobs. She leaned back at Cirno, slightly impressed by her resolve. "There's no shame in tapping out, kiddo." Immediately, Cirno slapped the ground with her palm several times. Marisa released her grip and stepped off of the new pretzel of a fairy girl.

"You still haven't explained," snarled Alice. "Why do you do this to everyone you like?"

"I dunno. Just felt like the thing to do, y'know?" said Marisa with a shrug. Alice sighed and then ventured into the house for a moment. She returned shortly with another bottle of wine, which she uncorked with her teeth and took a heavy glug.

"What do you hope to happen every time you do this lunacy?"

"I guess I'm hoping that the dude will think its cool and be all impressed."

"Tell me, has this wrestling approach ever worked a single time?"

"Well... no."

"Then why do you keep trying?!"

"Cause I came close once," answered the witch. "It almost worked when I did an 'Eat Defeat' once."

Alice would later blame the next moment on the wine.

"What the fuck is an 'Eat Defeat'?" she asked. As soon as she did, she regretted it. She tried to abort, to say 'Nevermind, I don't care', but Marisa was too fast.

She rushed over to the puppeteer and grabbed her by the back of the head. With amazing gracefulness and agility, she put the bottom of her foot underneath Alice's chin. After hopping in place for a moment to keep her balance, she fell onto her back, bringing Alice down and slamming her face against the bottom of her boot.

"That's 'Eat Defeat'," said Marisa after leaping to her feet. "Any questions?"

Alice gave no response on account of being mostly unconscious, so Marisa assumed her work was done. She turned to drag the forlorn body into the house with a whistle.

"I think the date can wait."

- FLASHBACK END -

They looked back at Sanae.

"No idea," they said simultaneously. Reimu and Aya looked at them in suspicion.

"Wow. Sounds like you really won the lottery with that one. Good catch there, buddy. She's a keeper," Tucker snarled.

"Only if you have, 'unique', interests," Alice commented.

"So how're you doing, Caboose? Are you following any of this whatsoever?" Church asked.

"Oh, here it comes," Marisa said with a smile.

"I think so... that guy Tex is really a robot, and you're his boyfriend, so that makes you... a gay robot," Caboose said.

Silence.

"... Yeah. That's right. I'm a gay robot," Church replied, clearly not even going to attempt to correct him.

Reimu, Marisa and Aya were howling with laughter, while Alice and Sanae shook their heads with a small smile on their lips.

"I think that's about the best we could've hoped for," Alice quipped.

Meanwhile at Red Base, Grif and Simmons were guarding Tex.

"Why didn't they handcuffed her? Or took away her armour?" Aya asked, getting a raised eyebrow from everyone else. "Oh yeah, they're idiots."

"Does she even wear anything under it?" Marisa smirked.

"So... you're a girl, huh?" Grif asked.

"Dude, are you really hitting on the prisoner?" Reimu groaned.

"Well, remember what Vic said. They must be pretty desperate," Aya added with a smirk.

Tex just stared at him silently.

"Just ignore him. That's what I do," Simmons sighed.

"Not so tough now that we unloaded your weapon, are ya?"

"Careful, buddy," Aya warned.

"Hey, punk. I don't need a weapon to kill you."

"Exactly."

"Yeah, right? What're you gonna do? Punch me?"

Tex just stood still for a moment, before taking a quick step forward.

"Aaah! Not in the face!" Grif pleaded as he backed up.

"Pussy," laughed Marisa.

- Meanwhile, back at Blue Base -

"Well don't worry, because I have a great plan for how we're going to rescue Tex," Church announced.

"This can only end in a disaster," Alice commented. "And fire. Lots of fire. And probably explosions."

"I find it very sweet how he still tries to rescue Tex, even after all what happened between them," Sanae smiled gently, before her expression turned dark. "ThAt BiTcH dOeSn'T dEsErVe HiS kInDnEsS."

The others group-hugged each other.

"A plan? Aw, man, I hate plans. That means we're gonna have to do stuff," Tucker whined.

Reimu looked at Marisa.

Marisa looked at Reimu.

"Oh, fuck you!" Marisa complained.

"Can't we just have a strategy or a mission statement?"

"I just need you guys to run a distraction while I spring Tex."

"Phrasing~!" sang Aya, laughing.

"'Distraction'? Heh, that sounds a lot like 'decoy'," Caboose noted.

"Wow. Look's like there's a brain in there somewhere after all," Reimu joked, earning her a pout from Sanae.

"The way I see it, the Reds have no idea how many Freelancers we have out here. So all I need from the two of you is to run around in the middle of the canyon, wearing black armour, while I sneak in the back of the base."

"That... is actually not a bad plan," Alice admitted. "But where are they supposed to get black armour from?"

"Sounds good. But Church, where the hell are we gonna get two suits of black armour?" Tucker asked.

Church looked to the side. Tucker followed his gaze.

Both were starring at the teleporters.

"... Oh, fuckberries."

The screen then went black.

"Fuckbeeries, indeed," Alice stated with a smirk.

Character Introduction

Name: Wakasagihime

Race: Youkai (Mermaid)

Notes:

Wakasagihime is a normally quiet, peaceful youkai mermaid who lives in the 'Misty Lake', singing songs and picking up stones.

That's basically it.

Additional Information

Kourindou:

Kourindou (Kōrindō, lit. 'Hall of Fragrant Rain') is an antique store seated between human civilization and the Forest of Magic, run by the half-youkai Rinnosuke Morichika.

Though it's a somewhat well-known establishment, Rinnosuke rarely (if ever) actually sells anything, despite keeping an exhaustive inventory - he mostly trades and/or puts up with the 'creative borrowing' of Marisa and the curious kappas.

The inventory of Kourindou is (presumably) its main draw, as it mostly includes items from the Outside World that somehow found their way into Gensokyo. Teacups, feather pillows, computing magazines, kerosene heaters and even an iPod have made their way there over time.