Season 01 / Episode 15: How the Other Half Lives

The scene opened up with Sarge standing next to a small hill, looking around in confusion.

"Hello?" he called out in a distorted voice. The scenery was extremely dull, the colour of everything being slightly faded. Sarge walked up the hill and stopped as the sound of a wolf howling, or possibly the wind blowing, rang out.

"Holy fuck!" Marisa exclaimed. "I was so focused on Church getting team-killed by Caboose again that I forgot Sarge died!"

"Amazing what rampant, unbridled stupidity can make you forget," Alice deadpanned.

"So that's how the afterlife looks for them?" asked Reimu, tilting her head slightly. "Doesn't really compare to the Hakugyokurou in the Netherworld, does it?"

"It was a shithole from the beginning anyway, what did you expect?" Aya waved her of.

Sanae sniffed slightly. "At least he's a ghost like Mr. Church."

"Hello?" he called out again, turning in all directions. "I said 'hello'. Hello? Is anybody out here?"

"Holy cow, would you stop yelling?" Church complained as he appeared out of nowhere, walking up to Sarge. "I'm here."

"Did anyone else notice that the team leaders died first?" Marisa noted, looking at the others.

Everyone shrugged.

"So being the leader of either army sucks," Reimu summarized. "Big surprise there."

"What is this place?"

"Well, that's... kinda hard to explain. Um... you were shot in the head, buddy," Church answered. "So, here ya are."

"Am I dead?"

"'Are you dead?' Well, yeah, that's how I ended up here."

"... Are you some kinda angel?"

"What's an angel?" Aya asked. "And why would he think Church's one?"

"It's a bit complicated," Sanae started, taking a sip from her tea. "Basically, they are the messengers of the Christian God, and they look like humans with wings."

"So like us tengus?"

"Close enough. Sometimes they also guide the souls of deceased humans to the afterlife."

"Why doesn't he recognized him?" Reimu wondered aloud. "He's not exactly subtle."

"Maybe they never meet in person?" Alice offered with a shrug.

"Heh heh, am I an angel?'" Church chuckled, clearly amused by Sarge's assumption. "... Uh, ahem, yeah, actually, I am. I'm an angel. Um, do you want to go to heaven? 'Cause it's, like, ten bucks to get in."

"Heaven is the paradise in the afterlife, and no, you don't have to pay an entrance fee," Sanae commented with a sigh before anyone could ask.

"Sounds like something Reimu would do," Marisa giggled, earning herself a punch in the gut from the shrine maiden in question.

"Well, I, uh, didn't really bring any... I mean, my wallets back in the car-," Sarge stuttered.

"Hey, you don't have it there, huh? Well, uh... that's too bad. Pretty crappy reason to be damned to hell for an eternity."

"The anti-paradise for sinners."

"So the place where Marisa is most likely gonna end up?"

"Yup."

"F-Fuck you guys," wheezed the witch, gasping for air.

"I don't remember dyin'."

"Yeah, that was my fault too. I was... sort of possessing you body at the time that you were shot. Sorry about that."

"Hey, by the way, it's my fault you were killed. Sorry 'bout that buddy!" laughed Aya.

"Hold on a second, that ain't fair!" Sarge complained.

"'Not fair?' Yeah, join the freakin' club. I got shot by my own tank."

The view changed to Sheila, standing behind Church and pointing her cannon at him.

["Target locked."]

"Hey, it's Sheila!" cheered Marisa.

"Wait, how did she end up there?" asked Alice in confusion. "She's just a machine! She doesn't have a soul!"

"Hey, don't diss Sheila!" warned Marisa the puppeteer, an angry snarl on her face.

"Maybe she's like a tsukumogami?" hummed Reimu, scratching her cheek.

"Yeah, let's go with that," Alice agreed, actually backing away from the fuming witch.

"Oh, ha ha ha. Very funny, Sheila. Shut up," Church snarked back. "You know, I still haven't forgiven you. I didn't say you could talk to me yet. Go over ther- g-get, go over by the base. Shoo! Shoo!"

Sheila dejectedly lowered her cannon, before she turned around and drove away.

"She looks like a beaten dog," Reimu commented.

"Sarge! Don't you give up on me soldier! Do you hear me!? I'm ordering you!" Grif shouted.

A wobbly image of Grif and Simmons leaning over Sarge's body appeared, with Grif kneeling down next to him.

"Who is that? Who's there?" Sarge asked, turning to face the voice.

"Looks like your guys are trying to save you," Church explained.

"You gotta breathe, man! You gotta pull through! Come on, Sarge!" Grif shouted desperately, performing CPR on Sarge.

With the butt of his rifle.

"Wow. Is Grif... actually trying to save Sarge?" Alice asked, surprised.

"Looks like he's really putting his all into, too. I'm kinda surprised," Reimu agreed.

"That's actually very nice of him, but why is he doing it like that?" sweat-dropped Sanae. "Shouldn't they at least try and take of his armour?"

"That is not the way you were trained to do that, private!" Sarge scolded.

"Exactly!"

"He can't hear you," Church explained.

"Grif, this isn't working. We have to try something else."

"If he gives you mouth to mouth, I'm leaving," Church declared in a deadpan voice.

"... Maybe you should give him mouth to mouth."

"I'm leaving."

Everyone laughed at that.

"I would actually pay to see that," Aya quipped, Marisa nodding along.

"Urgh, thanks for the mental image," Alice winced, slightly green in the face.

"I can't believe how hard they're trying to save me," Sarge said, starting to tear up a little.

"Why wouldn't they? I mean, my team didn't, but why wouldn't yours?"

"I thought they didn't like me."

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Reimu snarked in a monotone voice.

"Aw, don't sell yourself short. I don't even know ya, and here I am about to guide you to heaven for five bucks."

"Hold on, if you're an angel, how come ain't got no wings?"

"Because nobody rang a bell, ha ha ha. Seriously, do have the money or don't you?"

Everyone looked at Reimu.

Reimu raised one finger in response.

"Oh, I feel the worst about Grif. I always made fun of him. I never even told him... he was my son."

"WAIT, WHAT!?" everyone shouted in shock.

"No way! The orange guy is your son?"

"Nah. I just wanted to screw with him one last time, but now I'll never get that chance."

Everyone groaned and rolled their eyes.

"We should have seen that one coming," Alice shook her head.

"He's breathing! We saved Sarge!" Grif exclaimed in relief.

"I'm what!?" Sarge asked.

"He's what!?" Church added.

"He's what?!"

"Well I'll be a monkey's... they saved me," Sarge said as the camera began to move further and further away from him, signalling his return to the world of the living.

"What? No, come back! We need to even the sides!"

"Thanks for your help, wingless angel fella! Will I remember any of this?"Sarge asked, his voice fading away slowly.

"Yes, but only if you give me two dollars!"

"Just give it up, Church," Aya groaned.

The screen faded to black for a moment, before quickly fading back in, with Sarge standing back up, coughing.

"Where... what... what happened here?"

"Sir, you got shot in the head, so we gave you CPR and saved you, sir!" Simmons explained.

"What," everyone said flatly.

"I can't believe that actually worked," Alice groaned, rubbing her temple.

"He was most likely just unconscious from the hit," Reimu mused. "Looks like their armour is not just for show."

"I always believed in you, Simmons."

"Uh, actually, it's Grif you should thank, sir. He did all the work."

"'Grif did all the work'," Alice repeated. "Never thought I would hear that sentence."

"It just sounds wrong, doesn't it?" Aya agreed.

"Grif?" Sarge asked, turning to face the other man.

"Yes, sir?"

"Grif... why in hell would give someone CPR for a bullet wound in the head?! That doesn't make a lick of sense!"

"Jeez dude, you just got brought back to life! Maybe you should try acting a little more thankful?" Marisa groaned.

Grif sighed. "You're welcome, sir," he said in a voice that showed that he was clearly expecting that reaction.

"I mean it's all so damn inconsistent! What would you do if they stabbed me in the toe? Rub my neck with Aloe Vera?"

"Well... that happened," Sanae stated with a sheepish smile. "At least he's still alive. That's a good thing!"

Silence.

Sanae sighed. "Nevermind."

"Hey there Grif! I think I feel an aneurism comin' on. Could you help me out with one of them therapeutic massages?"

- Training Days -

Washington, Carolina and Tucker were running through what looked to be a forest of some kind, random rays of sun light reflecting from their armour.

"Learn to traverse difficult environments you must," Kasen Ibaraki said sagely, riding on Washington's back, with a half-eaten banana in her bandaged hand.

"Because terrified of gorillas am I!" she yelled as said gorillas suddenly appeared behind them, roaring angrily at the group.

"You just had to steal their fucking bananas!" the other three shouted in unison.

"I was hungry damn it!"

- The Brick Gensokyo Chronicles -

"I have to admit, that is your best one yet," Reimu said with a smirk, while the other girls surrounding the table were already gasping for air from all their laughing.

"I try~," a fair-haired woman next to her answered, hiding her smile behind a fan.

"Oh hah-hah-hah. Very funny. You suck, Yukari!" a small voice announced.

Standing in the middle of a miniature version of Valhalla, a Mega Block-turned Grif shook a tiny fist at the air.

"Oh come on, Grif. It's not that bad," Reimu nudged him with her right index finger. "Just think about what you can do now."

"... Someone go get me a normal-sized slice of pizza," Grif ordered, pointing his hand at them.

"You better not be thinkin' of lightin' us up!" Sarge demanded from the top of the Red Base. "Ah've got mah birthday present and Ah ain't 'fraid t' use it!"

Marisa fell over laughing. "Th-Their voices are high pitched!"

"The only one of us that still sounds the same is Caboose," Simmons noted, hiding inside his base from the group's collective gaze.

"Put. Me. Down," Church growled in annoyance.

"But you are a toy now! And toys are huggable!" Caboose cheered.

"You're a toy, too, damn it!"

"Oh my god! We are all toys. I cannot wait to play with myself!"

"Bow chicka bow wow! Good one Caboose."

"Yes. Thank you... I don't get it."

"Ugh. Nevermind Caboose. Hey, how's Busty Green doing?"

"Still squirming on the ground and still squeaking," Yukari responded with barely contained amusement, watching as Chen was jumping repeatedly over Sanae's rolling form.

"At least her nosebleed stopped," Ran noted, standing behind her mistress.

["Seriously. Why am I a head even now?!"] Lopez complained, lying next to Sarge.

"You're right, Lopez. If she tried t' use her fire on us, we'll blast her with all th' firecrackers we've got!"

["Sarge. Learn. Spanish. Already!]

Sarge chuckled. "Oh, Lopez, Ah love ya too."

["... I hate you."]

"Aya, are you still shooting photos?" Alice asked, walking up to the reporter.

"But of course. One can never have enough blackmail material. Besides, Carolina asked me to do this before she ran away with Washington," the tengu replied. "And Donut gave me puppy dog eyes."

"But he wears a helmet all the time," Alice stated with a raised eyebrow.

"I could feel them through it," she defended herself, before they both blinked twice at the empty plate with Grif on it.

"I. Have. No. Regrets..."

"Wow. He ate the entire slice in three seconds flat," Aya awed.

"Please kill me..."

Character Introduction

Name: Kasen Ibaraki

Race: Youkai (Oni)

Age: unknown

Occupation: Hermit

Eyes: Red

Hair: Pink

Special Features: Kasen's bandaged right arm is actually artificial

Title: The One-Armed, Horned Sennin

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Martial Arts, Guiding animals

Notes:

Kasen is a mysterious self-proclaimed hermit living in the mountains. Possessing an artificial arm and various abilities, she can often be seen dispensing knowledge to Reimu and her friends.

She's has the ability to control animals, and her artificial right arm can be detached and controlled remotely, and is capable of crushing vengeful spirits.

Like Sukia, she's also one of the 'Four Devas of the Mountains'.

Name: Ran Yakumo

Race: Youkai (Kitsune)

Age: over 900 years

Occupation: Yukari's Shikigami

Eyes: Yellow

Hair: Blonde

Special Features: She has as fox ears and nine tails

Title: The Scheming Nine-Tailed Fox

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Black Magic, Mathematics, Shikigami Powers

Notes:

Ran Yakumo is Yukari's most trusted and strongest shikigami.

Since she is actually a fox that became a youkai (kitsune) and is a shikigami herself, it's highly unusual that Ran has a shikigami of her own.

Her nine tails, the highest number of tails a kitsune can have, are a clear sign of Ran's power and experience. Her intellect has been compared to that of a computer, since she's capable of rapidly processing multiple calculations at once and even calculating the width of the ever-changing Sanzu River.

Name: Chen

Race: Youkai (Nekomata)

Age: approx. 30 years

Occupation: Ran's Shikigami

Eyes: Orange

Hair: Brown

Special Features: She has cat ears and two tails

Title: Black Cat of Bad Omens

Special Abilities: Danmaku, Black Magic, Transformation into a two-tailed cat, Shikigami Powers

Notes:

Chen is Ran's shikigami and by extension, Yukari's as well. This makes her a 'shikigami of a shikigami'.

As one would expect from her appearance, she's quite childish and cat-like in her behavior.

She also HATES water, which actually makes her weaker.

Additional Information

Angels:

Angels do appear in 'Highly Responsive to Prayers' and 'Story of Eastern Wonderland', the first and second game of the Touhou Project franchise. But with the begin of the windows era and the sixth game, 'Embodiment of Scarlet Devil', all PC-98 games (1-5) were declared non-canon.

Netherworld:

The Netherworld (Meikai, lit. 'Gloomy World') is the land where ghosts reside after death. Apparently it's a distinct part of Gensokyo, but is separated from the land of the living by a strong barrier (created by Yukari).

Hakugyokurou:

The Hakugyokurou (lit. 'Tower of White Jade') is a ghost shrine overlooking the Netherworld. It is well known among the afterlife realms for its cherry blossom gardens and many ghosts come to see them every spring.

Yuyuko Saigyouji is the lady of Hakugyokurou, and Youmu Konpaku acts as its gardener. The massive youkai cherry tree, the 'Saigyou Ayakashi', can also be found lying dormant in the gardens of Hakugyokurou.