Since the Northern Lights episode, The Doctor had seemed…jumpier than usual. And as a naturally bouncy person, that was quite an achievement. Yaz noticed that every time they accidentally brushed against each other, The Doctor seemed to startle or jump at the contact. Yaz couldn't work out why, or if she was just imagining it. However, it didn't stop The Doctor from initiating contact with Yaz. In their latest adventure, The Doctor had saved her life by pulling her to safety, then had grabbed her hand as they ran back to the TARDIS. They were sprinting so fast that Yaz didn't have the chance to savour the moment. They launched into the TARDIS head-first, hands still bound together.

'Come on Yaz, that's it.' The Doctor hauled her towards the console, before setting the coordinates and launching the whole room into flight. It was only then, did they let out a breath they had both been holding. They glanced at each other, before breaking out into breathless laughter.

'That was way too close!' Yaz exclaimed, turning to lean on the console. As her hip came into contact with the centre, she hissed a little, before moving away again. The Doctor stopped laughing, looking at Yaz concerned.

'Yaz, what is it?' The Doctor moved forward to examine her, but Yaz held up a hand as if to hold her back – only her hand was still in The Doctor's. They both looked down at their joined hands, both still unsure as to how that had come about. The Doctor glanced up at her, and Yaz found herself meeting her gaze. That had been happening more and more frequently. She laughed nervously, before gently attempting to extract it. However, The Doctor wasn't having any of it. She tightened her hold momentarily. 'Yaz, what's wrong?'

For a moment, Yaz had forgotten about the pain in her side. She tried to lean against the console again, and felt the pain dully throb up and down her leg at the contact. She winced again, making The Doctor even more concerned.

'It must have been when the creature knocked me into the wall. I banged my leg and arm, but I'm okay. It's probably just a bruise.' The Doctor's brows furrowed.

'Want me to take a look?' Yaz's eyebrows shot up in surprise. Had – had The Doctor just…? 'As a Doctor, I just want to make sure you're alright.' Oh. Okay, that made sense.

'No, don't worry Doctor, I'll be fine. It's just a bruise.' The Doctor looked at her, steadily and full of concern, but reluctantly let the matter drop.

'Okay, but let me know if it gets worse. Deal?' Yaz smiled.

'Deal.' She squeezed The Doctor's hand in reassurance, before let it slip from her grip. The Doctor pulled her own hand back slowly, just as Ryan and Graham emerged from the depths of the TARDIS.

'Oi oi, there you are! We thought you were goners!' Ryan said as he emerged the console room. The Doctor suddenly jumped, as if startled by their sudden presence. She jumped away from Yaz, and began to slam buttons on the console.

'Ha, yeah, well we would have been if it hadn't been for Yaz's quick thinking!' Yaz laughed.

'Well I would have been a goner if you hadn't found me when you did!' As soon as she said that, she wished she hadn't. She'd meant it to highlight The Doctor's bravery, her courage. To compliment her. However, it seemed to have the opposite effect. The Doctor's face fell. She froze, looking at Yaz with horror. All Yaz could see on her face was a flurry of terror, grief, sadness. Graham and Ryan looked between them, worried at The Doctor's sudden turn. She had frozen, her face seeming to pale. Graham nudged her.

'Doc, what's wrong?' It took her a moment to answer, and when she did, it was the quietest Yaz had ever heard her.

'If I hadn't found you, you'd be…' She couldn't finish, but Yaz knew what she was going to say. Back there, there had been a split second where Yaz thought she was going to die. But then The Doctor had arrived, as she always does, and saved the day. Yaz had never doubted that The Doctor would always save her. Yaz stepped closer to her, trying to be reassuring.

'But you did, and you saved me. Like you always do.' She said confidently, sincerity evident in her voice. She expected The Doctor to smile at that, like she normally did when complimented by Yaz. However, to her surprise, she didn't. The Doctor looked down at her feet, body seeming to close in on itself with doubt. Ryan knocked her arm with his fist gently.

'She's right Doctor, when have you ever let us down?' She kept looking down, but answered softly.

'Not yet maybe, but one day I'll be too slow. One day, luck won't be enough.'

'Doc -…' Graham began to argue, but she cut him off by looking back up at him.

'I appreciate you all trying to make me feel better, but we have to face facts. It's all fun and games, until it's not. So far, we have been lucky, and none of you have been seriously hurt.' She glanced momentarily at Yaz, who was gently rubbing her bruised thigh. 'But one day, that luck could run out. I can only do so much to save you.'

'Doc, we know the risks, you laid them out when we asked you to take us on. But that's part of the thrill, right? We chose the exciting path, and now we are living. Properly living. And you've given us that!' Graham gushed, trying to change her mind. The Doctor's eyes darkened, tinged with that steel that occasionally came out when facing down someone. Yaz wasn't sure what to feel when that side of The Doctor came out.

'Graham, I'm the reason Grace is dead. If none of you had met me, you'd be better off.' Graham's mouth widened in shock. Ryan looked as if he'd been slapped, and Yaz felt the world fall beneath her feet. The Doctor had never spoken so negatively about herself in front of them. Graham's face hardened, shaking his head.

'Don't do that, Doc. Don't put that on yourself. If you hadn't been there, we'd all be dead.' Graham let out, clearly trying to keep his anger at bay. His breathing had sharpened, but he was keeping it together.

'Yeah Doctor, that wasn't your fault. That creature killed Nan, not you.' The Doctor looked between Ryan and Graham, the kind humans who were doing their best to absolve her of her guilt. But it wasn't working. She shook her head at them.

'You don't get it. You know loss, of course you do. But what you can't possibly understand, even begin to comprehend, is losing someone and knowing it's all your fault. No matter how hard I try, the people in my life, they either end up lost, hurt, damaged, or dead. I don't want that to happen to any of you, but in this funny old life, it's more than likely.' She paused. 'I just can't bear to lose anyone else.' She glanced up at Yaz. Flashes of all her old companions flickered across her mind like a film reel. She let out a gasp of anguish, and had to turn away before her current companions saw her face. They'd never seen her this vulnerable, and she didn't want them to see her at her worst. She gripped the console for support, hunched over to control her breathing. She began to feel the grief overwhelm her, years and years of pain pouring in all at once. She was usually good at shutting off the pain; had been especially good at it in her current body. But now it was all leaking out, and there was nowhere to run. She could feel tears pricking at the sides of her eyes, but she refused to let them fall. So she did what she does best; without looking back, she ran.

Xxx

Yaz felt like she had whiplash from watching The Doctor's self-loathing. She was so optimistic and hopeful all the time that Yaz couldn't marry up this new dark, sad version of The Doctor with the one she had come to know. She watched The Doctor and Graham argue about Grace, before The Doctor seemed to become overwhelmed and had run away. The Doctor never ran away from conflict! Yet when it came to her own, apparently she did. She had run somewhere into the depths of the TARDIS, god knows where to be found.

Yaz looked over at the boys in confusion, mouth agape. They looked just as stunned as she did. Graham's anger seemed to dissipate in that moment, and then he just looked exhausted.

'Blimey, I never realised how much she kept in. That must have been eating her up.' He brought his hands to his face, sighing deeply.

'I can't believe she still blames herself for Nan's death.' Ryan uttered. Graham removed his hands from his face.

'Unfortunately, now I can. The thing about The Doctor, is that she's always talking, but doesn't actually seem to say much. I reckon that's her coping mechanism.'

'For what?' Ryan asked, genuinely confused. Yaz answered quietly.

'For whatever came before us.' She murmured. Her chest clenched, so tightly bound by the tension left behind in The Doctor's wake. She had never seen her friend so distraught, and it really broke her heart.

There was a beat. Awkwardness and sadness had crept up in the absence of The Doctor, and now the three of them didn't know how to deal with it. Every time Ryan tried to say something to lighten the mood, the words died on his lips. Yaz felt on the verge of tears. She hated seeing The Doctor in such distress, and not be able to say anything to help her through it. She tried to bite back a sob, but failed. Graham and Ryan looked in her direction, concerned. Ryan looked even queasier, but Graham walked over to her. He placed his hands on her crossed arms, turning her to look at him.

'Hey come on Yaz, it's alright. The Doc just needs to cool down. She'll be okay.' Yaz could feel the tears leaking out, as she bit her lip in an attempt to stop them. She nodded, knowing he was right. She just hated this interim period. The moments of uncertainty when the worst of the storm was over, but when you still don't know when it will end. She was used to her parents arguing and getting upset, but it didn't mean it made it any easier each time. Sure, Yaz had trained in conflict resolution; she knew exactly how to negotiate with warring parties. However, in her personal life, she was still the scared little girl hiding under bed at the sound of raised voices.

A few more tears spilled out, and in an instant she felt Graham's arms wrap around her in a comforting hug.

'It's alright sweetheart, it's alright.' Normally if an older bloke called her sweetheart, Yaz would give them an earful. However, coming from Graham, it was the sweetest thing he'd ever said to her. She hugged him back, so grateful he was there. It was times like this that she really missed her Dad. Over his shoulder, she could see Ryan shifting awkwardly from foot to foot, watching the scene unfold. Despite their developments with their emotions towards each other, she knew Ryan and Graham were still reserved in their affection for each other. Typical blokes. She gestured for Ryan to come over.

'Come on Ryan, come join in.' Ryan shifted again, looking awkward.

'Nah its cool Yaz. You alright though?' She nodded over Graham's shoulder, before letting him go. She wiped the rest of her tears away, feeling like a weight had lifted. Graham patted her arm.

'So what now? If anyone needs a hug right now it's The Doc, but I don't know if she wants to be found.' They looked in the direction where she had vanished.

'I vote we go and look for her. If she needs space then fine, she can tell us. But she seemed really upset. We owe it to her to at least try.' Ryan suggested, wanting to fix the situation. Yaz and Graham nodded in agreement.

'Okay, I suggest we split up. Graham, you take the wardrobe. Ryan, you take the kitchen area, and I'll try the library. If we find her, WhatsApp the group so we're not all worrying. Sound good?' The boys nodded, before Graham asked;

'Fine, but which one is WhatsApp again?' Ryan groaned.

'God Graham, you are so old!' Ryan huffed out. Graham glanced at Yaz, and winked at her. She stifled a laugh as Graham said:

'Is it the one with the blue flash?' He turned to Yaz. 'Or is it the yellow one?' Yaz shrugged her shoulders.

'You know, I think it might be the pink one.' Ryan looked between them, catching on.

'Haha very funny. I'll catch you later.' He stomped a little as he went off down the corridor in his search for The Doctor. That just left Yaz and Graham.

'Right, I'll see you on the other side.' Yaz said as she was about to make her way down the corridor. However, Graham's voice stopped her.

'Before you go, are you really alright? You just seemed really affected back there, Yaz.' Touched by his concern, she turned to him.

'I…find personal conflict difficult.' She paused. 'And seeing The Doctor like that, really upset, really hurt me. I don't know why it got to me so much.' Graham pondered for a moment, before saying something that surprised her.

'Are you sure you don't know why?' What was Graham getting at? Emotions are complicated things; they can't always be explained. Avoiding the question, Yaz decided to start her search for The Doctor.

'Let's go and find her.' She turned away from him and hurried down the corridor, hoping he hadn't seen the fear in her eyes.

Xxx

Yaz made it to the library, after a few false starts. She knew the TARDIS was sentient, and she had this niggling feeling that the TARDIS was deliberately moving rooms around to make her search harder. Although she could never prove that, the rooms seemed to have a mind of their own, sometimes rearranging themselves when she was still in one.

Yaz had picked to go to the library because that was her own place of peace. Whenever she needed quiet time, the library was the first place she headed to. The Doctor struck her as the kind of person who would find respite in books, so she acted on her copper's hunch. Luckily, it seemed to have worked.

There, curled on the purple sofa (since when had that been in the library?) was the blonde mess of the alien she had been looking for. That sounded oddly romantic, Yaz thought to herself. She blushed again, and felt her face heating up. For goodness sake, no one had even said anything! How could her own thoughts make her blush?

Stopping that train of thought before it went even further, Yaz made her way over to The Doctor, who was facing away from her. She had her feet planted on the sofa, pulled up to her chest, making herself as small as possible. Or protecting herself? Yaz had seen young children do this when she'd been working domestic cases, which hit her hard in the heart.

Not wanting to startle her friend, she coughed to let her presence be known. The Doctor's ears pricked up, as she turned to see who had joined her. Yaz was worried she was going to bolt, but The Doctor stayed uncharacteristically still.

'Oh, hey Yaz.' She said softly. She didn't sound surprised, but didn't sound pleased either. She just sounded tired. Yaz gulped, unsure with how to proceed. She didn't want to intrude on The Doctor's space, but she didn't want to leave either. She gulped.

'Can I stay?' The Doctor shrugged, neutral.

'If you like.' That didn't fill Yaz with confidence. She felt so uneasy, the tension eating away at her chest. She tried again.

'Doctor, do you want me to stay?' That seemed to jolt The Doctor out of the numb stupor she had been in. She turned to Yaz fully, properly seeing her this time.

'Always.' Yaz felt her heart flutter with relief, and she let out a breath she didn't realise she'd been holding. However, she still remained rooted to the spot, still unsure. The Doctor noticed, humour returning a little, and joked 'I don't bite Yaz. Come 'ere.'

She brought her legs back to the ground and gestured for Yaz to come and sit next to her. Relieved for the invitation, Yaz walked over to her and took the offered seat. It wasn't a huge seat, and didn't leave much room for space, but Yaz was careful to leave some distance between herself and The Doctor, at least for the time being. The seat dipped beneath her, as The Doctor turned to face her, bringing one leg up to prop herself up. Yaz mirrored her positioning unconsciously, so she could look at her friend directly. The Doctor gave her a small smile.

'See, sitting is much more comfy than standing over there.' Yaz smiled back, starting to feel better again.

'Much more.' She replied. The lighting was dimmed, but Yaz could make out the shadows falling across The Doctor's face. The Doctor's eyes narrowed as she gazed into Yaz's eyes.

'Yaz, have you been crying?' Honestly, this woman astounded her. The Doctor was the one who had been upset, yet she was the one looking after Yaz. She looked away under the intensity of The Doctor's gaze, not wanting to let tears fall again.

'I'm fine, what about you?' She wanted to look at The Doctor then, but she could feel tears rising, so she couldn't look up yet. She gulped, trying to keep them down. Out of nowhere, she felt cool fingers under her chin, nudging her head in the direction of her friend. This time Yaz didn't fight it.

'Yaz?' No point in hiding it. Yaz let her eyes rest on The Doctor's, as she felt a couple of tears slide down her cheeks. She wiped them away furiously.

'Really, I'm fine. I was just worried about you.' The Doctor's face fell in concern.

'Oh Yaz.' She said softly, caringly. Her fingers moved from Yaz's chin to her cheek. Skin skimming over skin, she gently wiped the tears away with her thumb. 'Don't cry, I'm okay. I just needed some space for a moment.' Yaz sniffed, holding back more.

'Doesn't stop me worrying.' The Doctor looked at her for a long moment, her expression showing concern mixed with affection. Her thumb continued to caress her cheek for a moment, no longer catching the tears. Yaz felt her breath hitch at the contact, but couldn't help but lean into it. She closed her eyes for a moment, her senses on fire.

The hand slipped away from her cheek, and immediately Yaz missed the contact. She opened her eyes just as The Doctor enveloped her in a huge hug. The Doctor's arms wrapped around her, holding her securely to her chest. Yaz was dumbstuck for a moment, before reciprocating. She held The Doctor around her waist, squeezing firmly and gently. The Doctor squeezed her back, bringing her impossibly closer.

She was so close she could feel the twin beats of The Doctor's hearts against her solitary human one. They pumped away rhythmically, making Yaz feel at peace. She could feel The Doctor's hands on her back, holding her firmly in place. Yaz moved her head from The Doctor's shoulder and turned her face slightly so that her lips were nearer The Doctor's ear.

'I'm sorry, for what happened back there.' She apologised, lips brushing against The Doctor's outer ear. Beneath her, she felt The Doctor momentarily shiver unexpectedly. Before Yaz could question it, The Doctor squeezed her again and said;

'Don't you dare apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for.'

'But – ...'

'No buts.'

'But what about…'

'Yaz. No. Buts.' Yaz started to loosen her hold on The Doctor, but her friend wouldn't let go.

'Doctor…'

'Just, stay for a bit Yaz. I could have lost you today, and that's more than I want to think about.' Yaz attempted to extricate herself, but The Doctor wouldn't let her. Resigning herself to it, Yaz returned the hug with equal strength.

'Okay.' She whispered. She held The Doctor, and The Doctor held her for what seemed like an eternity. Yaz had never felt so happy, which felt really perverse given their circumstances. But just being held by someone, someone like The Doctor, filled her with a joy she had never experienced. Nobody had ever held her this desperately, like she was going to vanish if she let go. It made her feel really wanted. Really cared for. Really…

Her train of thought was cut off when she felt droplets fall onto her neck. They hit her skin and rolled down her collar bone, slipping beneath her top. Confused, Yaz tried to pull herself away from The Doctor. This time The Doctor let her, moving back slightly. She moved as if she wanted to turn away from Yaz, but Yaz stopped her, pulling The Doctor back to face her. Reluctantly, The Doctor looked up at her. Tears streamed down her face, and Yaz felt her heart break again.

'Doctor…' She began softly. The Doctor wiped them away quickly, and attempted a quick smile.

'Y'know, crying's meant to be a good detox. Should do it more often.' Instead of pulling her into a full on hug, Yaz pulled The Doctor to her side, aligning their bodies from shoulder to hip. She felt The Doctor rest her head on her shoulder, seeking the warmth of Yaz's body. Yaz rested her head atop The Doctor's, nuzzling into her hair. They stayed silent for a moment, before Yaz whispered:

'Doctor, what really happened earlier?' She felt The Doctor stiffen, so she held on a little tighter to reassure her. She could almost hear The Doctor's brilliant mind whirring for an excuse.

'I…I'm not ready to talk about it yet. My past I mean. Nearly losing you today reminded me that not everybody can be saved. And I'm not ready to say goodbye.' She paused. 'One day. One day Yaz, I'll tell you all of it. I just… can't yet. Do you understand?' Immediately, Yaz nodded against her head.

'Of course Doctor. Whenever you're ready, I'll be here to listen.' They both smiled, feeling lighter. They stayed curled together, not moving, even when Graham found them. He had been searching when he came across them. However, instead of interrupting their intimate moment, he walked away, texting Ryan.

'Found them. They're okay. See you in the console room.'

He smiled to himself. He figured the girls would come back in their own time.