***Disclaimer*** for creative purposes only, and I claim no ownership of the fandom, characters and setting.
I am deeply moved by the reaction of the last chapter and appreciate that many of you feel for Peyton despite your feelings for her. I've known from the beginning that the leyton baby was not going to survive the story but it took me a while to settle on the circumstances of the loss. I wanted it to ultimately stem from the chain of events started by the non-canon differences.
I have mean meaning to respond to many reviews about Sam, and even I am going to miss her bigger presence in the fic. Sam and Brooke's relationship is my favourite storyline from season 6 and I even like the family unit they made with Julian. In the end though I thought it would be even less fitting in the circumstances for Sam not to give her biological mother a chance considering she has seen it play out with Noah and Brooke. I plan for Sam not to completely disappear though.
I would like to thank the guests reviewers, as well as lovergurrl411, fish330, brucaslove, wmc, bjq, brookelucas, gh jasam fan, new to brooke, salazarjasam, notrob, callison, breathbookslove, k-pixy, delphine05, brookelucasnoah, lileen, dianehermans and princesakarlita411. I hope you are pleased with the quick update.
Chapter Twenty-two
The clock was ticking, the infinite ticking that pounded through the house, it wouldn't stop. Peyton tried to go back to sleep but the day beckoned and a reluctant Peyton grabbed her pillow and threw it at the clock pulling it from the plug yet the ticking seemed to continue.
Waking up was one of the hardest parts of the day, the remembering and the emotions came in a rush or a trickle and Peyton never knew which one it would be.
It was two o'clock in the afternoon, Peyton still had no desire to get out of bed, after all she had nothing to do and nowhere to go.
Sometimes Peyton heard a baby crying in those moments between sleep and waking, and then the cries vanished and all the other sounds came. Peyton didn't know what was worse.
From another room Peyton could hear Lucas, she knew what he was doing today and she wanted no part of the process. They were each finding ways to cope, Lucas was doing his best to be there for Peyton filled with guilt that he had not been there the day everything had changed, and Peyton was trying to drown her own guilt that was an insistent buzzing telling her it was her fault. Yet it was the overwhelming grief and pain that weighed heavily on the childless parents.
The world was closing in on Peyton, she fluctuated between letting it crash against her and pushing everything and everyone away. When Lucas' footsteps neared Peyton closed her eyes even tighter, she kept her back to the door, and hoped he saw she was asleep and went away.
"Peyton" his voice quiet, soon his hand was on her shoulder, "Peyton, I don't know if I can do this, are you sure?"
Lucas sighed when he received no answer, he knew she was awake though he let her have her illusions and went back to the task she had given him.
Everything was being donated, from the cot to the clothes, still as Lucas packed away all the things Sawyer never got a chance to use he couldn't give it all away. Lucas glanced up at the empty doorway, he's separated a few items from the rest. Among them the outfit Sawyer had worn for the photos the hospital had arranged, photos that appeared no different to any other newborn shoot, the only clothes that had touched his little girl's skin except for what she was buried in. The matching stuffed toy to the one that had been placed in the tiny coffin with her, a gift from Noah so Lucas and Sawyer could always share something between them. He saved all the photos and the ultrasound images, he kept the pregnancy journal Peyton had kept, and last of all Lucas kept the blanket Sawyer had been wrapped in. With care Lucas packed them separately and hid them away in the attic where they were safe, hopeful for a day when he would not have to hide them away.
It was too much for Lucas, his body and soul were so sore from grief he had to get out of there, not caring what he wore Lucas left the house and started running, he ran as far as he could until he was on the verge of collapse and then he turned around and walked back to the place that no longer felt like a home.
When Lucas returned Peyton was in the doorway of the bedroom, she didn't turn around "why is it all still here?"
"I'm about to take it all down to the church" he paused, "are you sure you don't want to keep anything?" when there was no response Lucas walked closer and placed his hand on Peyton's shoulder, as soon as he touched her Peyton shrugged his hand away and stepped further into the bedroom.
Something snapped inside Peyton, she reached down and picked up the first thing she could find and threw it against the wall. The money box shattered and Lucas stood where he was staring at the pieces scattered on the floor, Peyton breathed heavily and quickly grabbed another item from the same box, this time a ceramic bookend and soon it too was flying through the air at the wall and ended up laying in four pieces around the room, and Lucas grabbed Peyton's wrist before she got a chance to throw the third item that was clasped tightly in her fist.
"I'll take it all away" voice calm Lucas held Peyton's wrist with one hand while he used the other to uncurl her fingers and take the night light away, "okay, I'll take it all away"
"Good" Peyton nodded and quickly left the room.
Lucas looked at the mess that had been created, the broken pieces on the floor and the dents in the wall, yet Lucas knew the true mess was what was unseen.
-x-
As much as Peyton wanted to avoid the room she had to walk by it sometimes. Lucas often left the door open and Peyton would close it every time she had to catch a glimpse of what was inside, it was one door she could close.
Nothing was left of Sawyer's within the four walls however Peyton was now faced with how the room had gone from a nursery where her baby was meant to sleep to all traces of that dream disappearing and Noah's things spread around waiting to welcome the boy. Peyton closed the door for what felt like the hundredth time, her body and mind ached, she couldn't breathe inside the house.
Peyton didn't bother to shower before she left, driving around town no place called to her, she stopped off at Tric and went upstairs to her office yet within five minutes Peyton felt itchy all over and wanted to climb out of her skin. She couldn't escape her life or her grief.
Nowhere offered comfort or answers so Peyton drove, she drove until she reached a familiar bridge and before she knew if Peyton found herself sitting under it, her thoughts a hole of darkness.
It was night time before Brooke appeared and sat down next to her, no words were spoken, Brooke just sat and looked out at the distance her warmth there for the taking. Peyton let the tears fall and when Brooke's arms wrapped around her Peyton buried her face into her oldest friend's chest and let herself be held.
Eventually Brooke wrapped a blanket around Peyton and managed to get the blonde into her car, Brooke drove Peyton to Lucas' and parked in the driveway. Peyton didn't move, her eyes stared unseeing at the floor of Brooke's car.
When Peyton's voice came it was meek, "it was my fault"
"It wasn't your fault. Some things just happen and it's not anyone's fault"
"I wanted too much" Peyton began to shake her head, "I loved her, you know, I loved her too much so she was taken away. Like Mom, like Ellie, everyone I love has to leave, but this was my fault, my fault" her ramblings became almost uncoherent, "I killed my baby"
"No, you didn't." Brooke grabbed Peyton's chin and forced her to look at her but Peyton wouldn't meet her eyes, "you are not God and you are certainly not responsible for everyone who dies or leaves. And It doesn't feel like it right now but you are Peyton Sawyer and you will get through this"
Peyton looked up, "you don't understand…"
"I know your heart, P. Sawyer and you loved your baby, you didn't kill her"
The door opened and the light on the porch turned on, Lucas stood in the doorway grateful that Brooke had found Peyton after everyone had spent all day looking for his wife.
Peyton looked at her husband's silhouette, "this isn't my home" she whispered, "please take me home"
Confused Brooke didn't know what to do, she didn't start the car and her lips parted. What home was Peyton after she did not know but there was a look in her friend's eyes that scared Brooke.
The car door opened and Lucas gently pulled Peyton out of the car, "thanks" he mumbled before lifting Peyton up. Her body was cold so Lucas forced Peyton into a warm shower, propping her up, and then dressed her and laid her in bed.
She could have been asleep for how docile she was but Peyton's green eyes were wide open, seeing nothing. With care Lucas tried to hold Peyton but she moved just an inch away letting him know his touch was unwelcome, instead Lucas sat at the end of the bed.
There might have well been an ocean between them, Lucas stood and left to go to the couch. He spread out on the cold surface and covered himself with the blanket that was resting over the top. Sleep came easier than he thought and the sun was only just rising when Lucas woke to the sound of things crashing, startled Lucas jumped up following the screaming to Noah's room, it was in disarray, furniture overturned, books ripped, wallpaper ripped off the walls and a pale Peyton on a war path.
Lucas ran forward wrapping his arms around Peyton to prevent her committing more damage or hurting herself, "Peyt, Peyton… breathe"
"LET GO OF ME!" Peyton used every ounce of her skinny limbs to escape Lucas, she pushed him away, her chest falling and rising as she huffed, "don't touch me!" she picked up a book at threw it at him, "you should have been here, you should have been here with us" her voice broke as grief, pain and guilt collided. Peyton threw all her pain at Lucas, in that moment she hated him but she hated herself even more, "get away from me!"
The tears fell from Lucas, he fell to his knees, taking the hits as Peyton began to punch him with each punch becoming softer and softer as both their cries grew.
Eventually the hits stopped and they leant against each other, they didn't embrace or seek comfort from the other, "I know" Lucas replied, "I know".
When everything calmed Lucas lifted Peyton and once again carried her to bed, this time he forced her to take his hug and the two of them remained there until the pillows were soaked with their tears and sleep found Peyton again.
After an hour of silence Lucas finally let Peyton go and went to work with quick determination, by the time Peyton woke Lucas sat at the kitchen table with two packed suitcases, she walked into the room with red rimmed eyes that grew large at the waiting sight, "what's going on?"
"I've booked us flights to go spend a few weeks with your father"
Peyton gave a sigh of relief and eight hours later she finally felt home as her father's arms wrapped around her.
-x-
As the weeks went Peyton began to feel new and then the eventual return date to Tree Hill grew closer and Peyton began to feel the world closing in on her again.
Lucas walked into the spare room they shared and found Peyton sitting cross-legged on the bed, his laptop in front of her, he walked behind her to collect his phone from the charger and caught a glimpse of the webpage Peyton was looking at.
"You looking at houses?" he frowned.
Peyton closed the laptop and turned around, "I can't go back, Luke"
He sighed, having half expected this, he had known for weeks, even months, that they were walking a tightrope on the brink of falling.
Then Peyton smiled, her smile was no longer the same as it used to be but there was a glimmer of the old Peyton that had slowly began to resurface on occasion in the last few weeks. It had been over two months since they first left and Lucas had returned for Christmas alone and dutifully left again, and seeing Peyton's smile Lucas knew this was the right thing. They had to heal, they couldn't keep going the way they were.
Peyton's smile didn't reach her eyes, "we could sell the other house and get something even better here, start over, the two of us could-"
"Just pretend nothing ever happened?" Lucas was shocked.
A flash of anger lit Peyton's eyes, "I will never forget" she uncrossed her legs and climbed off the bed, "but I'll be damned if I build a life over her grave. I can't breathe there"
Unsure if he was understanding correctly Lucas asked, "you want us to start over?"
"Would that be such a bad thing, Luke?"
"We're drowning, Peyton, we're drowning and-"
"I'm reaching for a life boat. Tree Hill is where everything bad has happened, I can't go back to that house"
"It's my home" he stated.
Peyton waited a moment, "you look in that room and see the future, all I see is an empty crib. Everything is a reminder, a yard where she will never run, a table where she will never sit, a home without my little blonde baby girl, and I can't live like this, I can't live in the shadow of what could have been. It's killing me, every second there kills me"
"We can move somewhere else, nearer to Nathan and Haley" he began not sure why he suggested it.
"It's not just the house, it's everything!" Peyton shouted, her eyes pleaded "we could leave and find a new home here, one with only happy memories and no shadows"
"I can't leave" his voice grew strong.
"Why not! Nothing is stopping us" Peyton smiled again, "can you honestly tell me being there doesn't hurt? That you don't see the ghosts of Sawyer and Keith and everything else bad that's ever happened?"
Lucas went to answer but he closed his mouth and Peyton stepped forward her hands reached for his but Lucas stepped back and held his hands up, "of course it hurts but it's not all bad memories" he shook his head, "I have Noah and-"
Peyton flinched, her voice pained "you could visit him and he can come stay with us"
"I don't want to" the words hung between them and Lucas ran his hands through his hair, "Tree Hill is my home, it's where my family is, where Noah is. I will do anything to make this easier for you but I can't leave Tree Hill, I don't want to, I missed out on six years of Noah's life and I want to go back"
Something in Peyton twisted, "why is it so difficult! I am asking just one thing"
"No, you are not, moving away from everything is not just one thing, it's everything. And Peyton, you're asking me to choose between you and my son. Can't you see how unreasonable that is?" he stood there waiting for Peyton to see it from his point of view but she just stood there staring at him until she turned away and left the room, slamming the door behind her.
-x-
The flight home was silent, Lucas hadn't been sure Peyton would join him until they'd stepped foot on the plane together. The taxi took them back to his house and Lucas put his suitcase on top of the bed, Peyton hadn't entered the room and he found her sitting on the couch staring at everything in the room, "you should go see Noah" Peyton told Lucas without looking at him, hey eyes moved to the framed photograph of their wedding day.
It felt strange, Lucas gave a nod, "okay" he didn't fight it because he'd been wanting to see Noah from the moment he'd last said goodbye to his son.
Peyton slowly span her head around, her golden curls framing her face, she looked different, lighter, and Lucas smiled at her. Peyton smiled back, "Lucas, I'll see you later"
"See you later, Peyton" and he left, with just his keys, phone and wallet Lucas hopped in his car and went straight to Brooke's house.
When the door opened Noah stood there, his little face appeared surprised and then Noah closed the distance between them and hugged Lucas' stomach. Lucas lowered himself to hug Noah back, he closed his eyes and buried his face in his son's hair, amazed how much Noah had grown already and if he didn't know better Lucas would say his heart had skipped a beat.
"You're home" Noah stated as they finally released each other, and Lucas nodded with a slightly sad grin.
"For good this time. I missed you so much"
"I missed you too" Noah stepped back inside the house to let Lucas in and then shouted, "Mom, it's Dad! He's back" he went to leave, almost running but then Noah stopped and turned back to Lucas, he held out his hand for his father.
This is what Lucas needed, he took the hand on offer and knew that this was the right home for him. Lucas looked up from where their hands were joined and saw Brooke standing there watching them.
Her hair was longer and back to her natural dark brown, perhaps she was skinnier, but as their eyes met Lucas didn't notice anything different about her, all her saw was everything he knew. He took a deep breath and the air was fresher than it had been while he was away. The sun shone brighter on Tree Hill that the seaside town that he'd just left.
Noah held on to Lucas' hand pass Brooke and all the way into the grand room over to his piano, "I have been writing, like you suggested, to help me think" Noah creased his brow unsure of his wording. Noah was not used to dealing with such strong emotions especially ones of sadness or watching others express it either. He had known he was sad and he now recognised he was happy that Lucas was here, Noah wanted to try to make his father happier too because he could tell Lucas was still very sad.
As Lucas sat next to Noah, the boy let his fingers do the talking, the song began with a hopeful tune which began to turn whimsical, though as the joy and pitch rose there was a sudden dip and a sense of sadness filled the notes before coming back to the first notes flirting with the sadder ones. Lucas watched Noah's finger move and then they stopped, the boy's head was down and Lucas briefly leant against Noah's head, "that was beautiful"
"I've called it Sawyer's Lullaby"
Lucas' heart swelled, he thought he'd never feel lucky again but then Noah's green eyes met his and Lucas was reminded that life gave you second chances.
-x-
After four hours with Noah the world didn't feel as tilted for Lucas, it was an escape in a way leaving Tree Hill hadn't been. Leaving had been for Peyton, it had calmed the storm inside her and that had raged around her here, though for Lucas it had only numbed him, his time away had felt like he'd been sleepwalking and now he was beginning to wake again.
Noah hugged Lucas goodbye and Lucas headed back to his house, he walked inside and closed the door behind him. The silence didn't hit Lucas until he took another step inside and the stillness hit him.
Something was different, something had changed, though Lucas couldn't quite name what it was. It was almost as if everything had just shifted an inch to the side, or Lucas was looking at his house in a game of spot the difference.
Lucas walked through the house, he finally opened his bedroom door. His suitcase was gone, Lucas had left it on the bed and now his belongings were neatly placed there but the suitcase itself was gone. Hangers were around the room and Lucas quickly walked to the wardrobe, and then the chest of drawers, and then Lucas checked the bathroom.
It was all gone. All Peyton's things were missing, from her toothbrush to her records, and Lucas did another walk through the house. There was no note, no message, no trace of Peyton and as the reality set in Lucas felt a weight fall from his shoulders.
A sound broke free from his throat, it started with a chuckle and then Lucas found himself laughing, his shoulders shook with it. It grew louder and tears came from the corners of Lucas' eyes, and when the laughter stopped Lucas was left with just the silence of an empty house and the ticking of a clock.
Lucas wished he could say he was surprised, he shook his head at the thought, nothing surprised him anymore.
Meanwhile at the border of the town Peyton felt the wind in her hair, the trunk was full, and even though it was a cloudy day she wore her sunglasses as the comet drove out of town leaving Tree Hill behind her.
-x-
Bye Peyton! *waves slowly*
This chapter isn't that long but I wanted to get it out tonight. I leave on holiday tomorrow, I'm off to celebrate my birthday in style, and the next chapter might be a bit late as I won't have time to write til after I get back and to be honest I don't know how it'll go. Last weekend I started having problems with one of my hands, I'm waiting some results and it's a bit of a mystery wants causing the pain at the moment but my doctor told me to rest my hand and not do any typing. I'm not so good at following rules. I really wanted to finish this chapter and get it out though because between my hand drama and going away I don't know when I will get another chance, so once this is up I'll be a good girl and listen to my doctor. Catch you on the flip side.