Disclaimer: To the discredit of one of the bets TV couples ever, I do not own One Tree Hill or anything to do with it.
This is a short chapter because some big ones are coming! Thanks for those that reviewed, I am sorry I didn't reply to those that aren't anonymous, I haven't had much time lately though I will endeavour to do so this time. Enjoy!
Chapter Thirty-One
Nerves shot through Lucas, he had not seen Brooke since the beginning of the week, they had not completely cut their contact, that seemed almost impossible to him now and one of them always ended up making that nightly phone call. The conversations were shorter, and as the days went by Lucas sensed Brooke growing more and more weary.
They didn't have to see each other today; it would make just as much sense for one parent to pick Noah up from school and that would be the end of the changeover. They never made it that simple and now they were all so used to the family dinner on Friday night that rotated between their homes and Nathan and Haley's, only missed when someone was out of town. Even last week it had felt strange to Lucas not to have that family time, he'd missed it while on his book tour.
So, Lucas had picked Noah up from school after Chess Club, taken him back to their house where they had changed into fresh clothes, collected Noah's turtles and headed to Brooke's.
The nerves Lucas had were part due to anticipation, though the moment he saw her pale face Lucas felt a familiar sympathy, the smile he sent her was meant to be reassuring though Brooke's lips barely smiled back.
She let them in, her movements surprised Lucas, she walked her normal speed as she led Lucas through to the back where Haley and Nathan were outside with Jamie.
After a quick hello Noah went to return his pets to their larger enclosure, and soon Jamie had dragged his cousin away again. Lucas was thrilled at how their relationship had improved recently, their patience with each other made him proud.
Nathan and Haley controlled the conversation while a quiet Brooke listened and nodded, rarely saying more than a quick sentence. When Brooke went inside to check on dinner Lucas followed, "you need any help" he said stopping behind her, his hands itching to touch her, Brooke stepped away smoothly.
"I'm fine" her voice was distant and Lucas frowned at the tone. He stayed frozen, his eyes watching her and Brooke felt every second of it, she dropped the tea towel in her hand and gave a huff turning to him, "really, I've got this under control. Please, go have fun talking basketball and all man stuff with Nathan" and she tilted her head and smiled, it wasn't the easiest smile, and Lucas knew Brooke wanted a moment so he nodded and did as she said.
Ten minute later Brooke returned with a dish in each hand, Lucas stepped in to help her place them down, calling to the boys to go wash their hands, and by the time the children returned Brooke had placed two other dishes on the table.
Lucas couldn't help it, every minute he had to look at Brooke, to see how she was, and a crease seemed permanently set between her brows. It was Lucas who poured the alcohol not even blinking when he skipped Brooke's glass, he knew any alcohol made her sick at this time so he made sure to pour her juice instead.
It was towards the end of dinner that Jamie noticed his aunt was quieter than usual, "Aunt Brooke, are you okay?"
"I'm fine"
Noah in his usual calm and factual tone, reached for a piece of bread and answered Jamie as well, "Mom is sick"
"Oh" Jamie smiled, "do you have a cold?"
Once again Noah answered, "No, she has en…uh-" he paused, his knowledge failing him.
"Endometriosis" Haley finished, she smiled at Noah and then turned to rub Jamie's back, "it's okay, it just means Aunt Brooke doesn't feel well sometimes, we've talked about this"
"Can we not have this conversation during dinner" Brooke laughed it off and Nathan gave a sound of approval at her suggestion.
Haley rolled her eyes at her husband, "it's one of the most natural things in the world"
"Doesn't seem natural to me" Nathan joked.
Confused Jamie's ears perked up, "what are we talking about?" he drawled.
Nathan pointed his fork at Jamie, "care to take this one?"
With a wide smile Haley instructed Jamie to clear his empty plate instead, handing over hers in good measure.
Brooke stood abruptly, which caused everyone else to look at her and her pale face flushed, "I'll take the rest in"
"I'll help" Nathan insisted after Haley sent him a look, Noah carried his own as was his routine.
Once they were alone Haley lifted her brows, "how has your week been?"
Lucas smiled, "it's great to be home, being with Noah again" then his eyes dimmed and he left unsaid how his week had bene darkened by the absence of Brooke. He silent wished they could as soon as possible get back to what they had started before Peyton's unexpected arrival.
As if able to read his thoughts Haley then spoke, "have you talked to Peyton again?"
"Once on the phone, we're meeting this weekend to go over things. She isn't exactly thrilled about the divorce" his blonde brows lifted when he said thrilled, "Peyton thinks we need to talk more"
"And you?"
"I don't think talking is what Peyton needs and she doesn't seem receptive of anything I have to say" he stopped, "Let's talk about something else, anything else. How's the family?"
"Good. Mom is helping Vivian with the new baby; it helps Viv and keeps Mom distracted at this time of the year" Haley started babbling about her overly large family and soon the two were laughing together at the antics of the James siblings.
The boys eventually returned with Jamie carrying an old Ravens cap, he carried it out in front of his body with pride, and Lucas grinned, "what are the choices tonight?"
"It's a surprise, Uncle Luke" the blonde boy laughed.
Haley rolled her eyes, "I bet I can guess what you chose"
"Basketball" Noah agreed, Jamie always chose basketball for their after-dinner activity, even Lucas and Nathan avoided placing it in knowing Jamie would do so anyway.
Jamie held the cap up towards Lucas, "you're turn to choose"
Soon Lucas had withdrawn a slip of paper, he unfolded it and read aloud, "talent show"
Jamie straight away sent a look towards his mother and then grabbed his cousin and the two boys left again, the older woman chuckled at her son and nephew before she followed them and beckoned Lucas to join her. Arm in arm the two friends entered the house.
-x-
The air felt like it would suffocate her, the walls closed in around Brooke as Lucas finished the words of the poem he'd written for his talent. They had spoken to her heart and Brooke knew he spoke them for her.
It filled Brooke, her emotions were all too much for her, and as Jamie told his jokes she could not laugh, only giving a small smile of encouragement as her mind wandered.
She wanted it to be over, she wanted them all to leave, to crawl into a ball on her bed and forget the outside world. Instead Brooke sat with a half-smile and went through the motions.
Nathan and Jamie left first, choosing to walk the distance to their house, and Lucas followed shortly after despite the look he had sent Brooke that practically pleaded with her to ask him to stay. Brooke sent Noah upstairs to get ready for bed, then Haley and Brooke walked together back towards the front entrance.
"I'm sorry, if I overstepped earlier" Haley began, "it's just, you have nothing to be ashamed about-"
"Haley" Brooke cut in, "please, you don't have to-"
She shook her head and then Haley gently touched Brooke's hand reassuringly, "it shouldn't be a taboo subject"
Brooke glanced up towards the staircase before sending shadowed hazel eyes back to Haley, her fingers trembled, "it's not that. The reason… I… I'm pregnant" the words in the end flew out of Brooke, and the shock in Haley's eyes matched Brooke's own.
For a long moment Haley said nothing, words were lost of her and then she blinked and her head shit back, "what? What? How, when, who?" the confused questions tumbled out of Haley, and then she whispered "Clay?"
"No" Brooke gracefully turned away and took a few steps from Haley, before she sighed and turned back, "New York" she answered with a simple shrug, her hands slipping into her waistband.
Haley's mouth fell open, "I knew it!" her pupils dilated and she smiled for a second, "I knew something had changed between you two" and then her face changed, "oh my god, does that boy never use protection!"
Despite herself Brooke chuckled, "in his defence, I'm on the pill, or well… apparently forgetting one once is enough to make that worthless. I feel like a complete idiot, it's way too soon and…" Brooke sighed, "everything else"
"He doesn't know?"
"I only found out today and how am I meant to tell him when just last week I told him to go take the time to sort things out" her fingers went to her temple as she rubbed them, "God, I have the worse timing".
Brooke opened her eyes, her gaze on the floor, "in one way this is everything I've ever wanted but I never wanted it like this, I'm happy and terrified and angry and hopeful and… you get the picture, it's just too much" Brooke licked her bottom lip before looking up at Haley.
After a moment Haley hugged Brooke, holding her friend until they naturally parted, Brooke's head falling on Haley's shoulder. With a smile Haley rested her cheek against Brooke's hair, "the two of you have been through so much and this-" she smiled "-is one of the better things"
"Yeah, you think so?"
"You're an amazing mom, and the new little Scott inside you is going to be one lucky little girl"
"Or boy" Brooke added.
Haley scoffed, "no, there are enough Scott boys in our lives" and at that Brooke laughed for the first time that day.
-x-
This time Lucas was more prepared for Peyton and the settled look in her eyes betrayed Peyton's own readiness. It surprised Lucas how unbothered being in his technically-still-wife's presence made him, the anger had left him and in its place was an odd nothingness.
It wasn't that Lucas didn't care, he knew he did and the last thing he wanted was Peyton to be in pain, it was just different… somehow more apart from him, these feelings distant, a shadow of what they used to be.
Peyton stood when Lucas reached her, "morning"
"Morning, Peyton. You ready?"
She didn't answer, just straightened up and stepped next to Lucas. They left immediately, and instinct had Lucas opening the passenger door for the curly blonde.
The drive was silent, it took longer than expected for Peyton to figure out where they were going and when she realised her hands tightened into fist, "Luke" she stressed out his name.
Lucas kept his eyes forward while he drove the familiar route and Peyton closed her eyes until the car came to a stop and the click of Lucas' seatbelt sounded, "come on, Peyton"
"This wasn't fair"
"Life isn't fair" Lucas replied and got out of the car leaving Peyton to sit in the hot vehicle by herself.
For a few minutes Peyton sat as she contemplated not getting out and then she saw Lucas' back still to her, his eyes off in the distance and she wondered if he'd notice if she got out and walked back to town.
Twenty steps in the opposite direction of him and Peyton froze, she turned around and with a determined walk headed for him and stopped by his side, her pale eyes glared at him, "you've gotten cruel" her words were out of pain.
Lucas sighed, "come on, Peyton" and he started their slow walk.
With downcast eyes Peyton avoided the grim headstones, the unfamiliar journey was uncomfortable for her, and Lucas did not fully comprehend as he led Peyton that if it wasn't for him, she would not even know where to go.
When he stopped Peyton had to abruptly come to a standstill, almost careening into his back.
He spoke then, his hands in his pockets, his tone smooth and calm, edged with a darkness that was now ever present in his life yet only showed at his weakest moments.
"We lost her before we really ever had her. I won't ever know what it was like for you, we both were her parents but you're the one who felt her grow for months, living inside you and then you woke up and she was gone."
"I'm not like you" Peyton's voice was rough, "I can't be surrounded by her, by everything she should have been here for but isn't…" her eyes lifted to the headstone and all Peyton could see was her daughter's name written in cold stone.
The tears were silent at first, Lucas eventually heard them in the silence and he turned scooping Peyton up in his arms, "it's okay to cry for her, to miss her" he murmured against her hair, "let it out".
The cries turned ugly and Peyton felt her legs buckle, "it was my fault" she eventually cried, "I killed our baby"
"No, no, don't ever say that!" Lucas shook his head and he leant backwards cupping Peyton's face and forcing her to look at him, "It wasn't your fault. No one's death, or leaving, has ever been your fault" he made his voice harder, "it's tragic and sad and has no reason at all, and it's nobody's fault"
"I fell" Peyton whispered, eyes red, "I was angry at you and I couldn't wait and I tripped over in the nursery and…" she began to stutter "… I…. I killed her"
Lucas was stunned, his hands softened, "it was an accident, Peyton, you didn't kill her, you just fell." he looked her in the eyes and leaned forward and her tears subdued, "You did not kill Sawyer".
They stared at each other, "say it" Lucas instructed his ex.
Peyton paused, her voice barely above a whisper, "I didn't kill my daughter".
-x-
Alone in her library, her sketch book in front of her and a pencil in hand, Brooke sat entranced, unable to stop her fingers working. When she finished the design, Brooke stopped and looked at it, a smile on her face, and she placed her hand on her still flat stomach inspired by the dreams that were coming to her against her will.
Brooke had drawn design after design, one thing on her mind. All Brooke had ever wanted was a real family, Noah had been an answer to her deepest wishes and this unexpected turn seemed to fill the picture in further.
Half of Brooke didn't want to get her hopes up, she didn't want to picture a future with Lucas and their children all together, with only smiles on their faces. Because hoping and wanting it only seemed to put everything at risk. Brooke was sued to waiting for the but in life, for the moment everything good gets dragged down.
Life was never easy, happiness never came easily, and thinking anything else was a sure way for disappointment.
The other half could not help but to make plans, to dream of everything waiting for them in their future, all the extra joy coming their way.
All Brooke wanted to do was go to Lucas and let him know, to have him by her side in a way she didn't have when she was pregnant with Noah.
Thoughts of Noah came to Brooke and she wondered how her son would cope with a sibling, or how Noah would respond to his parents getting together. She hoped he'd be happy, and Brooke hoped Lucas would be too.
Brooke dared not be too happy, she feared when the but came the fall would be greater and harder.
-x-
In his living room Lucas held out the small box for Peyton, "I knew one day you would want a piece of her" he smiled.
Peyton was grateful as she took the pearl white box, she ran her fingers over it carefully, "thank you Lucas, thank you for not getting rid of it all"
"We missed out on making so many memories, I couldn't bear to let go of the few we have"
"You're giving them to me"
"I'm sharing them with you" Lucas corrected.
With a nod Peyton took her eyes off the box and looked at Lucas, "she was perfect, wasn't she?"
"The best of us"
Peyton gave a sad smile and then she went in for a hug, her arms going around Lucas, wrapping around his neck. It was a familiar space for Peyton, his scent was comfort, she did not notice Lucas' arms didn't circle her like they used to and she stepped a little back, hovering her lips near his, a silent question between them.
The heat from Peyton was like a fire for Lucas, he could feel her intentions, the heat a warning. Lucas pulled back, "I'm sorry"
His presence was suddenly gone and Peyton had to stop herself from tripping forward as Lucas stepped away quicker than she thought possible.
"I'm sorry, Peyton, that's not what-" his apologetic tone had Peyton blush.
"No, I'm sorry" Peyton cut in, she tried to laugh, "I get it. Still too soon"
His mouth opened slightly and then Lucas lipped his lips, a frown on his brow, "I care about you, Peyton, I do. I wanted so badly to make you happy and to be a good husband, but the truth is that I will never be a good husband for you because my heart was always going to pulled elsewhere and we tried to pretend that wasn't the case but… we can't, Peyton. We can't"
"So, you love Brooke now?" she asked with a pained question, tight anger barely veiled.
"Always." Lucas smiled, "And I am sorry if that hurts you but lying would only hurt all of us and we've hurt enough. It has to end eventually."
For a second Peyton wanted to say something, to fight against his words, then she looked at the carefully wrapped box again and Peyton stopped herself. She gave a nod and hugged Sawyer's belongings to her chest, "thank you for everything, Luke. I hope… I hope…" she stopped and then just tried to smiled harder as a tear ran down her cheek, "be happy, Luke"
"You too" and Lucas broke the distance between them and hugged Peyton again, he dropped a friendly kiss to the top of her head and Peyton found herself closing her eyes and then she stepped back.
"Okay" Peyton's eyes widened, "I'll sign the papers" she said it before she lost her nerves and held her composure as everything inside her shook.
-x-
A/N: So, the mystery of what is wrong with Brooke has been answered. I had always wanted the show to deal with Brooke's infertility more, we never really got an explanation or how they came to the conclusion she couldn't have kids only for her to then get pregnant with twins. What they didn't do, well, I want to take a crack at it. Endometriosis is a common cause of fertility issues and it is something so many women suffer from. It is a condition that means a lot to me because I have it, not that it has complicated my ability to have children, though it has caused me many years of pain, it caused problems for my schooling and my work life. This year has been a struggle for me in part due to my endometriosis and it's worsening symptoms. I won't give you more details of my last two weeks where there's been days where I have been crippled by the pain, or where I am unable to stand for too long without collapsing. And how pleasant it has been to time this around moving house, that's sarcasm by the way. Worse timing ever.