Disclaimer: blah blah I don't own one tree hill or the characters blah blah you know the drill blah blah.
What? It's June! Where did time go? I swear I blinked and half a year went by. Not going to lie, if I don't get the 20 reviews in the first week of posting I don't force myself to meet the fortnightly timeline. And if that passes, sometimes one thing leads to another and half a year goes by and I'm like how did this happen.
It's been an eventful year so far in the world, I feel very lucky to be where I am and in the position I am, yes it's been stressful and not as fun as usual but I am safe and not unhealthier than normal and those I love are safe and healthy as well. And we are all in fields deemed essential so financially there's been no stress as well. My biggest stress has been as a single Mum freaking about what will I do if school's shut down where I am, will I lose my job because I have to take care of my son, I was fortunate that never happened in the end. It's a fluke really, simply chance. I'm not going to say it makes me more grateful because in all honesty I've always been aware and grateful for how fortunate I am. My life isn't perfect, I've had many difficulties, but in this big bad world everyone has a story, and some people never get a chance simply because of the time and location in the world they were born in. I think it's important to in turn do what we can to try to make this world, our world, a little better for the next generation. We can't all do grand gestures; feed all the hungry, find a cure for cancer, change laws… all that jazz. Some things are easier, it's amazing how simply being kind can change lives in small ways, and that adds up. I hope everyone is well, or as well as can be, and if you're not then I hope you will be or that you can find something in this big world to make it get a little bit better each day. Love, Mickei.
-x-
Chapter Thirty-Four
For the longest time Brooke had wished for her mother to be more present and maternal, she'd imagined what it would be like if Victoria was more caring. Over the last two weeks Brooke had been given the live version of her dreams, and though a part of Brooke appreciated the actions, it had quickly become overwhelming.
The decision to return home to Tree Hill was inevitable though Brooke would be lying if she said Victoria's constant attention didn't make that decision easier. Brooke sighed, her face turned to her mother as the older woman followed Brooke into the house, "go rest, I will check the fridge-"
"Mother, I've already told you Millie has sorted everything out"
"Well, forgive me for showing I care. In the last month, need I remind you, that you have undergone two surgeries and that you almost died"
"And you used to call me the melodramatic one." Brooke chuckled as she kicked off her shoes, "I just want everything to go back to normal, I don't need anyone's pity"
Victoria whipped her hair and marched forward, her hand reached up to gently cup Brooke's face, "I don't pity you, Brooke, I am simply worried and I know how hard you work yourself. Now the business woman in me would love you to throw your broken heart into designing but the mother… you need time"
Their eyes met and Brooke slowly smiled, leaning into her mother's touch, "thank you for everything, Mom, for being there and for bringing Noah to New York for me"
"You don't need to thank me, Honey" Victoria smiled happily, her blue eyes wet with unshed tears.
With another smile Brooke stepped back, her hand holding the hand that had just cupped her face, "I do. But-" Brooke straightened up, "-I'm home now and I am fine, I don't need a nurse maid-" and before Victoria could interject Brooke sent her a stubborn look "-or my mother holding my hand"
"Is this your way of telling me thank you but no thank you, and I should be on my merry way"
Brooke grinned with false cheer, "I knew you'd understand"
"And what about the boy?"
Brooke averted her eyes, "Noah comes home tonight"
A noise came from Victoria, "not the boy I was referring too" and then Victoria mumbled something under her breath that Brooke was grateful she hadn't been able to hear.
"I'm fine" Brooke turned more serious, "really I am fine". Mother and daughter stared at each other silently, similar stubborn expressions on their faces, until Victoria gave a quiet huff as she lifted her chin and Brooke knew her mother was backing down.
Pale eyes on her daughter Victoria stated with her usual authority, "you'll call me if needed"
Aware it wasn't a question Brooke answered anyway, "yes, mother"
Victoria accepted Brooke would not allow her to stay, so she gave her daughter a brief hug, a gentle kiss on the cheek and a farewell.
As soon as she was alone the quiet reality enclosed around Brooke, she had nothing to distract her, and the knowledge of what was ahead of her had Brooke almost regretting sending Victoria away.
And as her mother expected Brooke went straight to the library and her desk where she distracted herself by losing herself in work.
The doorbell eventually had Brooke leave the design she was working on, something bubbled inside Brooke at the thought of Noah coming home. It hovered just beneath the surface. Close to excitement, close to fear, yet not really either emotion.
When the door opened the feelings didn't spill over, they fizzled and though Brooke kept her smile on her face as she pulled Noah into a quick hug, the pause in her eyes had Haley lift her brows. The other woman followed her nephew inside, Brooke and Haley hugged, this one longer, their bodies slowly rocking together before the friends pulled apart.
"Good to be home?" Haley asked.
Brooke grinned, her eyes turning to her son, "the best" she answered and Noah smiled back at her. Hesitant to part from each other Brooke reluctantly instructed Noah to put away his pets and the few belongings he usually took between his two homes.
The moment they were alone Haley's expression changed, "you really okay?"
"Sure"
"You seemed surprised to see me"
Brooke looked away; she was the one who'd insisted Haley drop Noah off yet still half expected Lucas would refuse and show his stubborn self. Not replying to Haley, Brooke simply shrugged and started to head towards the kitchen area, to the family kitchen counter the two girls usually ended up at.
Without saying a word Brooke started to make them both a coffee, Haley watched her friend carefully, "you should talk to Lucas"
"I have" Brooke gave a short reply. Haley gave a huff and Brooke tried not to overreact, "it's my body, my decision"
"Your heart you're breaking"
For a moment Brooke was silent, she lowered her lashes, "trust me, my hearts been broken for a long time" and then her eyes snapped up, along with her hands, her voice sharp, "I don't need a lecture from you. Okay? You know, not everyone lives happily ever after like you and Nathan… I'm sorry" Brooke suddenly calmed down, "it's just I can't deal with everyone else having an opinion" she finished making their drinks and then placed Haley's in front of her with slightly more force than necessary.
Brooke never found out what Haley was about to say as Noah's footsteps could be heard tapping down the stairs, "Mooom-" he shouted, and then he appeared, "do you know where my laptop is?"
"In the office" Brooke replied instantly and when Noah turned around, she couldn't help but grin and tease him, "is that it, I come home and you're straight on your computer?"
Noah froze, his eyes widened, "sorry, of course I want to spend time with you"
"I'm joking, go have fun and think of something for us to do after dinner, okay?"
"Thanks, Mom" Noah gave a slight smile and walked off. The women remained silent until they were sure Noah was gone, "okay" Haley lips pressed together, it almost resembled a smile, she nodded a little in thought, "I'm going to get out of your hair, let you and Noah have some time just the two of you" Haley stood, preparing herself to leave as Brooke watched her with wide hesitant eyes. Haley looked at Brooke, and smiled at her friend, "call me if you need anything, I mean it Brooke, even just a cup of sugar"
"That's it?" Brooke slowly stood, her head shooting back as she eyed her friend warily, "you're not going to-"
"You'll have no more opinions from me. I love you, I'm going to love you through whatever you decide, and I'll happily hold you as you cry or hell walk you down the damn aisle if you need me to, but I won't tell you how you should feel or what you should do, I said my piece and anything more… well… yeah" she trailed off finishing her sentence with a stubborn but empathetic look.
Brooke walked her friend to the door, they hugged, and once she closed it Brooke's arms felt oddly empty. Arms crossed, Brooke walked back through the house, mumbling to herself "you're making a mistake, Brooke, you should be kicking yourself, Brooke. Lucas is the love of your life-" Brooke stopped herself and sighed.
It was all she could think about, as much as she tried to focus on work and everything else in her life, Brooke always found herself back to one thing, one brooding blonde and his stupid bedroom eyes that had her stomach turn into knots. If she thought about it long enough it filled Brooke with guilt and shame, she wanted to be a better mother to Noah, to be able to find happiness with just her son, to be able to look at Lucas and see just Noah's father not her Lucas and all the complications that came with it.
With quiet steps Brooke made her way to Noah's room, looking in the open doorway to where her son worked with a smile on his face, content and focused. With a soft smile Brooke left him alone to himself, recognising that as much as she wanted to spend every spare second with Noah that she could especially after forcing herself away from him so much, that he was just a boy and one that had long gotten used to time by himself. Brooke never wanted there time together to be a chore, something Noah had to do, when he wanted to come downstairs he'd come downstairs. She took what he offered and every now and then she asked for a little more, and that had to be enough for Brooke.
Brooke trusted Noah, they had an understanding, and Noah was not one to push rules given to him, sometimes it seemed too easy to Brooke but that didn't mean she wished anything was different, Brooke was grateful. Always grateful for her second chance with her son, now even more so because she was acutely aware now she'd never get another chance.
As expected, Noah didn't surprise Brooke when after the time limit Brooke had set for Noah to do homework, Noah appeared downstairs, a warm smile on his face. Brooke held up the trey of his favourite snacks, "you want some dessert, kiddo?"
"Yes, please!" Noah took a few steps forward, "I haven't thought of anything to do" he added on.
"Can I make a suggestion?" she kinked her brow, "what about a quiet night in, with cold drinks and snacks, and a nice documentary? There's a new one on Stonehenge, or the Valley of the Kings-" she looked up in thought as she tried to remember the third option.
The boy grinned before Brooke could find the thought, "valley of the Kings, please"
"That's what I was hoping you would say" Brooke offered him the tray as Noah got closer, "you take this and get yourself comfortable and I'll grab a blanket and be there in a minute" and that's how Brooke found herself sharing the couch with Noah, her legs curling around his body as he rested his head just above her knees. Though Noah's attention was on the documentary, Brooke used the time to simply be with her son, as they lay together in the dim glow of the screen, the blanket covering the two of them, Brooke let her left hand gently play with Noah's soft hair as she watched him, her mind simply lost in its own thoughts.
They drifted asleep eventually, with each other's warmth lulling them to sleep, Brooke woke with a jump, the light of the TV flickering silently, the only sound a tick of a distant clock and Noah's gentle snoring.
It took a moment for Brooke to piece together where she was and how late the time had gotten, she stretched out carefully, loosening the tight muscles and still with a slight ache in her bones Brooke shifted her legs out from Noah, one arms replacing his perch and cradled him close as she moved to pick him up.
Soon Brooke wouldn't be able to lift him at all, so she held him a bit longer for that alone, sniffing his darkening hair and taking in the clean scent of him that always held the faint hint of salt water. In one quick movement Brooke stood, swinging Noah as she did. The staircase was the hardest thing and Brooke rested Noah against it every four steps, adjusting her grip as she went. The closer she got to his room the faster she walked until she all but dropped Noah onto his bed, practically landing atop him before she quickly straightened and stared down at her still sleeping son in the darkness.
With his eyes closed Noah looked so like his father and Brooke's heart ached for the what if that had haunted her dreams. What if the pregnancy had been viable, had that spark of life been another boy or a little girl, what would they have looked like, smiled like, or acted like? It was a dangerous road for her mind to go down. She brushed his hair gently, placed one last kiss on his head for the night and quietly back out of the room.
Downstairs Brooke retreated to her own room. After a too long shower, where Brooke spent twenty minutes under the warm water with no memory exactly what she was thinking as she had let the spray fall over her, she slipped on an old shirt, the type she liked to wear when she cleaned or swallowed herself in when she was sick, then Brooke crawled into bed and reached for her phone.
It was late though Brooke knew Lucas would be awake, she stared at her phone, and she was still staring at it an hour later when sleep finally claimed her.
The next night Brooke lasted fifteen minutes when she gave in and pressed the call button, almost straight away she went to hang up but it was too late.
Lucas' voice came over slightly hesitant, "Brooke?"
A heartbeat later Brooke ended the call without a word, the thumping in her chest was so loud she could hear it and feel it in her whole body. The phone started to vibrate and Lucas' name lit up on the screen.
The next night he called her, Brooke had been staring at her phone once again, her resolve strong when his name flashed again. She waited, and waited, as something inside her buried deep, hiding away. Brooke turned her back on it, and then just as she knew the call would go to voice message Brooke rolled back over and answered it.
For a moment the only sound was their breathing and then Brooke heard his voice, she could tell Lucas was smiling, "hi".
"Luke… I…"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too." That was true, feeling wasn't easy for Brooke anymore but she knew she was lonely with everything fibre of her being. It was suffocating sometimes.
He sighed and a second later Lucas spoke again, "you don't have to-" he paused "-I could be at your house in five" he waited for a reply that never came, "I know you think you broke up with me-"
Brooke quickly cut in, "I didn't"
"Well then-"
She shook her head even though he couldn't see her, "we couldn't break up, we weren't together in the first place"
"It didn't feel like that"
"Can we talk about something else?"
Lucas chuckled and Brooke pictured him in the glow of lamp light, at his desk with his legs stretched out, his shirt unbuttoned to expose the top of his chest, hair a mess from his hands running through it. And he was smiling, Brooke could see the smile so clearly, it was there in his tone, "sure, pretty girl, what would you like to discuss?"
"Anything. Tell me a story" Brooke didn't want to listen to his words, she just needed to hear his voice.
-x-
"Mom, Mom!" Noah repeated calmly, confusion changing the tone as Brooke blankly stared out the window, the morning sun glistening over the river, "MOM!"
Brooke jumped, "sorry" and her smile didn't quite reach her eyes as she turned to face him, Noah frowned, his eyes narrowing on his mother.
"How are you feeling?" Noah took a step closer.
"Fine," Brooke reached for an apple and took a bite, "are you ready for school?"
He shrugged, "of course". Noah didn't break eye contact, the long stare unusual for him as he focused on Brooke, his brow creased though he said nothing, his question unasked yet it hovered between them. Brooke forced herself to kink her brow and then when Noah remained silent Brooke spoke, "let's get out of here then" her brunette hair bounced as she walked by Noah and led the way.
They were almost at the school when Noah, who looked out the window at the scenery they were driving by, asked another question, "are we going to Aunt Haley's tonight?"
"Yeah" Brooke gulped, "of course"
"And you will be there?" his eyes turned quickly to her, and after a quick glance at her son, before returning her attention to the road, Brooke gave a nod in response. In the last week Brooke had done her best to appear normal, to not let what she was feeling on the inside come out on the outside, though the long looks Noah had continuously thrown her let Brooke know she was failing miserably. The boy was too perceptive sometimes, Brooke smiled when they reached his school and gave a warm farewell, "love you" she added, calling after Noah even as the door slammed shut.
And then she was alone. The silence seemed so much quieter these days, then again, Brooke could swear the whole world had dimmed.
-x-
Every night Lucas lived for the phone calls, for the familiar contact with the woman who'd become entangled in his life, if this was all she could give him for now Lucas would take it pushing for a little more each time. Patience was not something Lucas was good at, though his dislike of confrontation was greater and helped control his growing frustration at the situation. It was the sudden coldness that was hard for Lucas to fully comprehend, they had progressed so much and then it was like Brooke had rolled a dice and changed all the rules in the game.
Tonight it would be different, Lucas knew he would see Brooke, and every fibre of his body was waiting for it. After years of denying the pull the charismatic beauty had on him, of having to keep her at arm's length when he'd tried to move on with other women, now Lucas had finally embraced his feelings without looking back he could not go back to the strange unfulfilled happiness life without being with Brooke is. Loving Brooke was simultaneously the hardest and easiest love he's ever felt, for a long time he'd convinced himself that the hard part of it was because they couldn't work, they just weren't meant to be, now he realises it was harder than his other loves because it was more. It hurt more when she was sad, when she was in pain, when she hurt him it was like a stab. And Lucas was in pain, Brooke's rejection was a bleeding wound, and in the past he'd not had the courage to fight through that pain.
Fight for me. Those were the words she'd screamed at him years ago, yet when he did Brooke seemed to fight back even more. Lucas needed the in between, he could see it now he was older; how the insecure child who felt unloved must have pushed her parents for attention, to test them, to give them a chance to prove they loved her, and they never met her even half way, never gave her what she needed. And so, she tested the others who claimed to love her, waiting for them to walk away too, to prove to the lonely girl behind the red door that she was unlovable as she felt on the inside. The longer they took to turn their backs, to judge or grow angry, the harsher she tested them until they proved to Brooke what she feared.
Lucas pondered if Brooke and Peyton's relationship thrived on their different fears of abandonment, if the push and pull of it was their way of making sure their trusted friend still loved them, would still be there when the world ends.
Despite not knowing what had been happening between his parents Noah knew something had changed, Brooke's stay in New York and the distance between his parents was obvious to the child. When Lucas and Noah pulled into the driveway at Nathan and Haley's, Lucas smiled to himself, "looks like your Mom beat us here", and the boy gave an audible sigh of relief, his body relaxed.
When they were both out of the car, they shut their doors at the same time, Noah with more care and Lucas quickly walked around the car to join his son's side. Noah was still staring at his mother's car, his brow became more creased the longer he looked at it.
"Hey, you alright?"
Noah looked at his father, "something is wrong with Mom"
It was instinct to smile in reassurance, "you don't need to worry about your Mom, there's-" he went to place his hand on Noah's shoulder but the boy recoiled, Noah took a side step, his eyes had an almost angry expression as cold words cut into what Lucas was about to say.
"No, she's not okay"
Lucas was aware of that however he hadn't known how to make Noah feel better without trying to tell him Brooke was okay, then he had quickly remembered the child he was talking to the moment Noah had pulled away from him. He kneeled slightly to reach Noah down at his eyelevel, and sighed, "you're right…but we are going to do everything we can to change that and I promise, she will be okay, it may not be tomorrow but she will be" and their foreheads met as Noah's shoulder's relaxed.
-x-
So, I decided to end it here simply to get a chapter up, the next chapter will be a direct continuation of this one but I didn't want to wait and three months go by or something. I struggled to get this out, I restarted it what felt like a million times. Eventually I looked at my story plan and decided to completely scrap like two years of time that was meant to take place in this story, and suddenly it was easier to write. Yes, this means some things will be different to my initial plan. But some good news, you don't have to wait 2 in story years for some really good things to take place *cough*BL*cough*. Now I'm deciding whether to write a sequel to this story with a SL which was meant for this one and end this at an earlier point instead with more of a conclusion. Or to do a time jump to get to the SL I want to do. Thoughts?