Disclaimer: Still don't own one tree hill but imagine how the show would have ended if I was on that writing staff or did own it. Just saying.

Yep it's a Christmas miracle, I am updating. Enjoy. It's currently 6pm on boxing day for me, and my son is now at his dads house for 5 days, honestly longest I've been without him since his birth but I have spent half the day writing this so I can update and now I'm going to go write the next chapter and a new chapter for good behaviour so I can update that. Please review tonnes, give me details, tell me off for not updating sooner. Tell me how you feel about what the characters are doing. Inspire me, push me, I have five days where when I'm not at work I could be writing to push me to do it. Bring on the guilt.

I hope everyone is doing well, I hope everyone has a special Christmas or holiday season and the new year is only better for you.

Thank you to all my lovely reviewers and followers, its been so long I have no idea who I've replied to so I will prob redo it when I post this but thanks to all the anonymous ones.

Please if you haven't checked out my BL oneshot Thinking Out Loud, go do so, I really enjoyed it even though it was a hard subject to write for me (spoiler alert it stems from the wtf brooke can't have kids how the f did she end up with TWINS oh scotts are fertile what if they aren't actually julians' mwahaha).

Enjoy and best wishes, Love Mickei

Chapter Thirty-Five

It was in evitable, Brooke knew as she stood on the balcony watching Nathan with the boys in the pool, she didn't have to turn around to know Lucas was there behind her. The air had changed, she could feel his eyes on her, Brooke was aware she should be nervous or perhaps even happy, instead a strange blankness filled her as if her emotions had hit a wall before her brain could send the message to the rest of her body.

"If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're avoiding me" he paused, "or at least avoiding being alone with me".

Brooke stepped away from the railing, the pool and its occupants out of sight, and though she turned her face she did not go in his direction, "I'll call you tonight" she went to walk away, and Lucas took action, his hand lifted grabbing her arm.

"Look at me" he told her firmly.

And so she did, Brooke met him with glistening hazel eyes and a stoic face, and his blue gaze searched hers, his pupils darting side to side as Lucas tried to read her expression.

Lucas let his hand drop, letting her go, "I'll call you once Noah's asleep" and she nodded at his words before quickly walking away back inside, leaving Lucas alone to sigh loudly.

Eventually he found himself looking over the balcony at the sight Brooke had been watching, until he saw Brooke appear now in a intricate one piece that seemed to show off more skin than it covered, and his hands itched to be down there yet as he watched her float in the water he knew he'd just disturb her peace.

"Hey, what are you doing here all by yourself?" Haley's voice was cheerful, Lucas jumped at the unexpected intrusion. He dragged his eyes away from Brooke and smiled at his friend, without saying anything they found themselves moving to the deck chairs, "do I even need to ask what's on your mind" she sent him a sad smile.

With his legs spread, Lucas leant over his knees, "why are women so complicated?"

"Women or your women?" Haley chuckled.

His brows lifted and he smiled, "just Brooke". They stared at each other for a while until Lucas felt uncomfortable, he rubbed the back of his head and gave an awkward laugh, "what, Haley James Scott has nothing to say?"

She huffed, "you're my friend, no, you're my best friend… but so is Brooke and as much as I wish I could just bang your heads together-"

"I could use all the help I can get"

For a second Haley just stared at Lucas and then her shoulders relaxed, "They're not so complicated. You have this habit of putting the women you love on high pedestals. Me, Karen, Lindsey, Peyton and Brooke. And don't get me wrong, it's… beautiful and sweet in a way-"

"But?"

"Well, Peyton for instance, you were always blind to her faults and treated her like some damsel who needed to be saved, and with Brooke…" Haley smiled, "she's the girl who is going to change the world, that's a lot to live up to. Remember your weird airport fantasy, where you guys got married, left Tree Hill and were living it up childless, Brooke's brilliance taking over your life, picking her own flowers and hell you even taking her last name" she rolled her eyes and then gave him a hard look. "Seriously, Luke! Brooke? The Brooke Davis who left New York because this, quaint little Tree Hill where her friends were, is where she wanted to be, the Brooke who walked away from the spotlight, who wanted a family so much she fought to take in children that weren't even hers. You want to hear some Haley James Scott wisdom, I think the truth is that the reason you held yourself back from pursuing Brooke all these years is that deep down you are the one who thinks you're not good enough for her, that somehow you will hold her back when-" Haley gave a whimsical laugh "-the two of you don't hold each other back, when you're together you soar"

Lucas pondered her words and Haley wanted to shake her friend, she gave an exasperated sigh, "don't you get it, Luke? You and Brooke might seem like polar opposites but when it comes to your hearts you and her were always more alike"

"She thinks she's not good enough for me?" his disbelieving voice almost broke, "that's crazy"

"That's Brooke" Haley smiled.

Lucas frowned, "she broke up with me, again… well she said she didn't dump me because technically we weren't, aren't, together"

"You and Brooke can't be friends with benefits"

"It isn't like that… I love her, Hales, I thought we were finally there; you know. I guess, I don't know what we are or were but I do know what I want us to be, and instead I'm stuck in this limbo. Believe me, I want more but I know that if I push Brooke too far, too fast, she will run. It's almost as if she's scared of being a real family"

Haley placed a hand on his shoulder, "Lucas, she's not scared of being a family, she's scared of losing one"

"And how do I fix that?"

"Start by just being there." Haley suddenly stood, "Now I better go check on dinner before the roast sets off the smoke detector"

"Thanks, Hales"

As she walked away Haley wasn't worried, she'd watched Lucas and his relationships for years and had never seen him so sure on his decisions. There was no doubt in her friends face when he spoke of Brooke and his feelings, and what he wanted.

All they needed was a little confidence, Haley smiled, despite their inability to believe in their relationship with each other Haley had her money on Brooke and Lucas.

-x-

The house was quiet and dark, Brooke lay alone in her bed, fresh from the shower and already in her pyjamas as she stared at the ceiling while the minutes ticked on. The phone in her hand, it was too early to call, though Brooke had slipped out early from her Haley and Nathan's house with a quick goodbye she knew Lucas and Noah would have stayed longer, and then Noah would need time before going to be and falling asleep. It was easier over the phone; it was easier for Brooke to lie to Lucas when she didn't have to look into his eyes.

Eleven would be safe, Brooke told herself that as she waited impatiently, her thoughts going over and over as the night grew later. I shouldn't be doing this.

At ten the phone vibrated in her hand causing Brooke to jump up in bed, Lucas' name flashed before her eyes and she waited to the count of eight before she answered, slightly breathless at first "I was meant to call you" she chastened.

"I guess I was impatient" and after a silent that went a little too long he added, "and we need to talk"

"We talk all the time"

"About us" and Brooke could imagine the look on Lucas' face, his tone gave away his expression and Brooke knew he'd have a knowing smile, his brows high.

"We have, you just aren't listening to me"

"We could play the who isn't listening to who game, or you could come let me in…" his voice innocently drawled off and Brooke's back straightened.

Outside Lucas could hear the rustle of sheets, Brooke jumped out of bed and reached for her robe, tying it awkwardly while she held the phone against her ear with her shoulder while she walked to the front door.

Grabbing her cell Brooke held it to her side as she peeked through the peephole and still reeled back in shock when she saw Lucas standing there waiting for her.

"What are you doing?"

Lucas smiled, "I'm about to hang up. Open the door, Brooke"

"Where's Noah?"

"Jamie insisted he sleep over; I couldn't say no to them. Open the door, Brooke" and then he did hang up refusing to talk over a phone when there was only a door between them.

For a moment Brooke stood there, staring at the painted wood, unable to move, her hand hovering by the lock. Then she clicked it unlocked and opened the door to find her brooding blonde ex waiting, Brooke couldn't help but give a slight smile back as he grinned at her and instinct had her opening it wider and moving out of the way so Lucas could step inside.

Once the door was closed, they just looked at each other, their features barely distinguishable in the shadowed entrance.

It didn't matter that he couldn't tell the colour, Lucas could still read her gaze, could still see the love shining from Brooke. He held onto that, this time he had to, he was older now and not so willing to believe the words coming from her mouth when her eyes said the opposite. At seventeen Brooke had asked Lucas to fight for her.

Now at twenty-five he intended too.

"I know you think you can't break up with me because we weren't together, and I get you think it is easier that way. If things aren't defined, if no one else knows, perhaps then nothing ever has to change." Lucas brushed a strand of loose hair behind her ear and then ran a finger down her cheek, pausing at her chin to tilt it up a bit. He left his finger there, unable to stop all contact with her, unable to let her look away.

Brooke blinked at his intensity.

"Let me tell you, Brooke Davis, that things will change, they already have in so many ways. I know one thing won't, I love you, I am so crazy in love with you, and I spent years hiding from that and now I can actually say it-" he couldn't help but chuckled because the feelings made him so happy and light inside, "-I can't imagine ever going back to the way it was"

"Luke-"

"Can you honestly tell me you don't feel the same way?"

"It's not that easy"

His thumb ran along her bottom lip, "so we can agree that you love me" his smile was arrogant.

Brooke frowned slightly, "I didn't say that"

"You did, before everything went crazy you admitted you loved me" and his thumb traced her bottom lip again, "so we've defined our feelings, we love each other".

Brooke sighed but it became closer to a moan as Lucas stepped a little closer, his already enlarged pupils dilating further, "I love you" this time it was deeper, softer, his breath warming the air between them.

He lowered his head to make sure she could see his eyes, how serious he was, his hand moving to cup her cheek, Lucas whispered it but they were close enough it might as well have been at full volume, "I love you".

What Brooke wanted to say was stop, I can't do this. What she wanted to say was, please, say it again. But the two contradicted each other so Brooke remained silent, and when his eyes stared unwavering at her demanding a response Brooke closed them.

And in the silence Lucas closed the space between them and let his forehead drop to hers, he didn't say the words again because he wanted to give Brooke some time, Lucas hoped to hear them back, just three little words to help the ache in his heart lessen.

Lucas closed his eyes too, and he waited.

The words didn't come, Brooke could not say it, so she did something else, her body and mind torn and confused it did the only thing that made any sense with Lucas so close, perhaps it was habit from years before, habit to turn to the physical when all Brooke had ever really wanted was love. Eyes still closed Brooke lifted her face up, her lips finding Lucas', the kiss was not heated, yet not gentle, Lucas hesitated but a moment before he responded, imagining that every brush of her lips, every stroke of her tongue, every touch, was an I love you.

This Brooke knew, this Brooke could do, so she stopped thinking and let her body do the talking. Brooke had a fleeting thought about being grateful that Lucas loved button ups so much now, they were easier to take off and her sure fingers expertly undid each button slowly.

The day had been grey, threatening showers, now the skies opened, rain pelting down so loudly, and Brooke heard thunder as she felt her robe fall to the ground, Lucas's hands on her shoulders.

The rain and thunder were a blessing as Brooke let her body, her kisses, lead Lucas to her room, the noise growing louder as the storm grew outside. By her bed Brooke took control of the kiss, pushing Lucas down onto the mattress, thankful that the storm was louder than her thoughts.

Lucas didn't care, he still heard the I love you with every move she made.

-x-

The storm was still going strong when Lucas woke, his naked body wrapped around Brooke as if in sleep he had tried to keep her as close as possible, not giving her room to move away from him. It was the first thing he registered as the fog of sleep faded, the feel of her skin in his arms, the usual happiness stopped abruptly when Lucas recognised that the warm body in his arms was not peacefully sleeping, Brooke was shaking in his embrace, not from the cold, she was shaking from crying, her sobs barely audible over the rain.

Unable to move Lucas remained frozen, still holding her in a loving embrace, and then his mind cleared and Lucas pulled Brooke even closer, "hey" he whispered against her neck, sitting slightly up and bringing Brooke with him, "Pretty Girl, what's wrong?"

And as if she'd been electrocuted Brooke jumped from him, sprinting from the bed. The look on her face scared Lucas, it also hurt him, "talk to me" he begged, realising he'd come to her house to talk to her and they hadn't done much talking at all, Lucas realised he might have made a huge mistake.

"Don't" Brooke held up her hand in the universal sign to stop, and Lucas paused on her large bed where he was up on his needs, sheets tangled around his feet yet he was exposed in every other way. Neither noticed, their nakedness unimportant next to everything else.

"Please, just don't" Brooke cried, wiping furiously at her face, "I told you I can't do this" she stared at him with her face still a river of tears, they fell onto her breasts, they ran along her shoulders, dripping onto the ground. Brooke stared at Lucas waiting for him to disappear from her sight, wanting him to go away yet wanting him to hold her just as much.

It was too much for the struggling brunette, "GO!" she screamed, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE!"

"Br-" he didn't move.

"I DON'T LOVE YOU" she screamed, the words sounding like the lie it was even to her own ears, she froze, tears still falling, and she did her best to take control of her body, shoulders straightening, chin lifting, her voice grew more serious, and she put as little emotion into the words as she could "I don't love you".

Lucas heard the pain in her voice, yet he as looking at her eyes, and all he saw was the love and despite himself Lucas smiled which caused a brief flicker of anger in Brooke.

The lie didn't do anything so Brooke dug into the truth, "I told you that we've done all this before, we tried, it didn't work, and we can't spend the rest of our lives on this rollercoaster. I don't want it. Not for me, not for Noah, not even for you. Someone is going to get hurt" the tears slowed, and a part of Brooke thought she was doing Lucas a favour hurting him now instead of later, so she tried to get all her anger and frustration into her voice. Not anger at Lucas, anger at the world, at how unfair fate could be, how every time she thought she couldn't get happier she was proven right because that happiness seemed to get sucked away. Brooke had thought she'd already learnt the lesson, the harsh truth that the things she wanted the most were always out of reach.

"This isn't a book, Lucas, one of your novels where you get to write a happily ever after. And FYI you already wrote our love story, and I don't need to tell you how that ended" her anger at the world came out towards Lucas, her tears dry now, "let me quote it-" she spat "- I'm not the guy for you!"

Lucas winced.

"I'm sorry." Brooke clenched her fist, "I'm going to need some time to figure things out. Or how about when I was pregnant with your baby you telling me you don't love me, oh and how do I even know it's mine".

Brooke knew it wasn't fair to throw his past words at her. Knew it was cruel and pushing at boundaries that were tender, too close to the lines of her own mistakes. Throwing Lucas' words during her pregnancy at her when he had never stooped so low after Noah's existence was revealed.

And even now Lucas didn't say it, his mind was back to their junior year, back to the scared kids they had been and his face dropped.

After her last taunt Brooke's mouth closed tightly, a little surprised that Lucas hadn't turned his back on her or screamed back, instead she watched his whole body slump a little, as if she could see his heart breaking right in front of her.

His voice was dejected as his eyes fluttered away before looking bad at Brooke's resolved expression, "I could tell you I love you every day and you still will never believe me. I lost your trust long ago; I might have won your heart back after junior year but I never won your trust again. I know that. I've been paying for a mistake I made when I was sixteen for nine years, it lost me years with our son and it lost me you."

Brooke's lips parted yet no words came out.

After a few seconds of awkward silence that felt like hours Lucas got off the bed, standing by it, he pulled on his boxers before looking back at Brooke, suddenly aware of how naked and cold it was.

"There's so many times I can point to and think god if only I had done this or said that, maybe things would be different but the truth is I would have to go back to high school, back to before you even knew you were pregnant, and if somehow I could I would tell that foolish teenage boy that I was that he's an idiot and that he was about to walk away from the woman who is the love of my life" he ran both hands through his hair erratically, spinning on the spot, he grabbed for his pants and pulled them on, and then his socks and shoes.

Bare chested Lucas' back was now towards Brooke and she relaxed, dropping her mask for a few seconds, as his words reached her, "but I can't" he almost stumbled over the words.

Even as he turned to face Brooke again, she was slipping her fake bravado back on, and this time Lucas found Brooke standing there with her arms crossed, "I do love you though and I know you love me, I'm not going to say it every day because you don't want to hear it right now but know, when you are ready to hear it again, the one thing that will never change are my feelings for you, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere"

Brooke didn't speak, and Lucas licked his dry lips "this isn't me walking away" and as soon as he said the words Lucas turned from Brooke and walked out of the room.

Alone standing in her bedroom, naked and freezing, thunder cracking outside, Brooke heard Lucas' steps going towards her front door, she started to follow and saw him scoop down to grab his shirt, slipping it on but not bothering to rebutton it.

The door shut behind him and Lucas stood briefly on the porch, the weather unnoticeable to him, when he walked slowly to the car, rain drenching him as he went, he could almost feel her eyes burning into his back but he didn't look back.

Brooke locked the door and returned to her bed, grabbing the sheets and duvet which had piled down the bottom, she wrapped them around herself and curled into a ball at the end of the bed, something hard dug into her back and Brooke pulled the material from under her.

At the sight of Lucas' leather belt Brooke started to cry again, hugging it to her chest she lay back down, the tears were still there, the belt still in her embrace when finally sleep claimed her again.

-x-

Gah, is anyone else like gee's Brooke what the hell are you doing. Or gee's BL stop just falling into bed. Well it might get even a bit messier before things get better.