It's a long week. Santana isn't sure if it's her exhaustion, or if interns just get worse with each passing day. By the following Friday, when she switches back to days, she's certain that Rose must have figured her out, since she's had to run interference to keep her from killing everyone on her service. But she doesn't mention it, and ready to pull her hair out at her desk, Santana considers using her position as the wife of a department head to get herself better interns when they do their weekly scheduling meetings.
But she doesn't. She just prays for Porter, or even Hayward—despite Santana's issue with her son, she still knows that Jane Heyward will be a damn good doctor—to be with her next week, and tries not to kill Puckerman before the day is out. She thinks of her appointment with Roz at six-o'clock, she thinks of hearing her baby's heartbeat, she thinks of Liam, she thinks of Brittany, and she decides that nothing, not even the ultimate satisfaction of shutting a thorn in her side intern up, is worth spending her life in jail, and missing all of that.
"Special delivery." Brittany knocks on the frame of Santana's office door. She's been considering shutting and locking it for the last half hour to keep her mood from seeping out, but seeing Brittany's face, Santana brightens, glad she didn't. "Salt and vinegar chips, and a cherry slush."
"You're not going to yell at me for being disgusting?"
"I'm not going to yell at you ever." She steps inside with the food, and approaches Santana's desk. "If this is what you're in the mood for a two-forty-five, then it's what you're in the mood for."
"I mean, what I really want is a cherry Coke, but I'd rather not have my insides devoured by soda." Santana grimaces. "Thank you, Britt. How did you know that I was having a fucking awful day?"
"You weren't very happy to come in this morning, and I know your caseload is particularly heavy, and you didn't sleep last night because of the shift change. I wanted to come see you and make sure you're okay."
"I haven't killed anyone yet, so that's a positive, I guess. I spent half my morning hoping that my hatred for nearly every person in this hospital will go away when I'm not so sexually frustrated that I could fucking cry."
"I'm sorry about last night." Brittany runs the tip of her finger along the edge of Santana's desk. "I shouldn't have started kissing you like that, knowing it couldn't lead anywhere."
"It's not your fault." Santana shakes her head. "I really wanted to kiss you like that, but then this morning I had a crazy angel-devil fight in the shower, because I came this close to shoving the showerhead between my legs. If Roz doesn't give us permission to have sex again, I'm going to lose my goddamn mind. You know I've never in my life had sex in this hospital, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't cataloging on call rooms when I did my rounds this morning."
"Rather than an on call room, what would you say to a hotel room for the night?" Brittany touches Santana'a face gently, and Santana leans into the touch. "Whether Roz gives the go ahead or not, I thought maybe we could have a romantic dinner tonight, and then get away. I asked your mom if she could stay with Liam for the night."
"You did?" Santana feels a choke in her throat, and she presses her hand down on the desk. She's being ridiculous, and she knows it, but still… "I…okay."
"Are you alright, Santana?"
"Yeah…yeah…I'm just…yeah."
"Okay…"
"Can you maybe just kiss me? I don't know. Sorry, I'm being…"
"It's been a long week." Brittany nods in understanding, and holds Santana's face in her hands as she kisses her slowly, softly. "I won't kiss you too much."
"Thank you." Santana lets out a watery laugh. "Because seriously, if someone walked in here to me with my hands in my pants, I might have to blame you."
"I wish I could do something to help."
"Me too. It's fine, I'm fine. I'm just going to eat my chips and make myself feel better."
"At least there are chips." Brittany smiles, and kisses Santana's forehead.
"No, seriously, you don't even know."
When Brittany goes back to her own office, Santana makes every effort to eat her chips and drink her slush slowly. She already has a headache, and she figures the sodium and ice cold corn syrup might put her right over the edge if she doesn't control herself. By the time she's done, she has to scrub in for a bowel resection on a two-year-old girl, and she takes an ibuprofen before she heads downstairs.
The surgery goes well, and even Puckerman is oddly…helpful. She can't stomach him, but at least, if nothing else, she can say he's a decent assistant, no matter how much he hates working in peds. Afterwards, she meets with two families to schedule upcoming surgeries, and when she's finished, a wave of nausea hits her, making her regret her choice to eat those goddamned potato chips.
For the first time, Santana vomits. As she sinks to her knees on the tile floor, she realizes that she's never been more grateful for a private bathroom than at that very moment. When she sees the cherry red spew in the toilet, reminiscent of the blood she's seen ejected more times than she'd like to count, she vomits again, and again, until she's certain that her stomach is completely empty. With her eyes wet with tears, Santana manages to stand again on shaky legs, and teeter over to the sink. Her face is blotchy and sweaty, and she splashes water in it, trying to cool herself off before she brushes her teeth.
She's certain she looks like death has come knocking when she leaves the bathroom, and without any more patients for the day, she shuts and locks her office door. She takes another ibuprofen, and she leans back in her desk chair, closing her eyes and willing the time to pass quickly until her appointment. She doesn't feel sick anymore, at least, but that doesn't mean she wants to remain in the hospital.
Finally, it's five-forty-five, and Santana packs her paperwork up to go home. Her bag feels heavy slung under her shoulder, and she tries to avoid encountering anyone in her department as she slinks to Brittany's office. When she makes it there, Brittany is just locking her door, and without a moment's hesitation, she takes Santana's things from her, and wraps her arm around her waist, hugging her close.
"So much for not getting sick." Santana groans a little. "I guess I'm never having chips again in my life. I'm pretty sure my throat is bleeding from them."
"Oh, honey, I'm sorry. Here, do you want a Lifesaver?"
"I still think you're the first person I've known since my abuelita who carries around Lifesavers." She laughs. "But, not the purple."
"I bought just the green apple ones." Brittany kisses her temple, and fishes into her bag. "Here."
"You're so good to me." She pops open the pack, and tries to ease her throats with the candy. "I can't even tell you how ready I am to do this."
"I know. It feels like we've been waiting so long."
"We kind of have. I'd like to hear this kid, so I know that the insane amount of weight I've gained isn't from shoveling chips down my throat."
"Have you gained a lot?" Brittany quirks an eyebrow, and rubs her hand on Santana's side.
"I don't actually know how much, because I'm avoiding the scale like the plague, but I feel like I have. I don't know."
Brittany doesn't say anything in response. Santana thinks that maybe she doesn't know the right thing to say, but regardless, they take the elevator upstairs. As soon as they walk into the office, Santana notices that Roz is standing at the desk, and she is so glad that she doesn't have to wait. Roz escorts them back, and just as Santana is about to sink down on the examination table, Roz stops her.
"Let's do your vitals first."
"Ugh, I know I'm a doctor, but seriously, I hate vitals."
"Get over it." Roz laughs, and though Santana would expect to be embarrassed, she's not. "We'll weigh you first."
"So much for avoiding the scale." Santana looks over at Brittany, who sits in a chair, chin in hand, just smiling at her. "What?"
"Nothing. I'm just incredibly excited. Would you get mad if I took a picture if you?"
"If you take one of me on the scale, I'll throw your phone out the window." Santana feigns a glare, but she knows Brittany can tell she's kidding. "If you have to, you can take one when I'm done."
"I'll settle for that."
Closing her eyes, Santana steps on the scale. She's not averse to gaining weight, obviously, or she wouldn't have gotten pregnant, but still, she thinks the first time will be strange for her. She has been exactly the same weight since she was seventeen, and she's sure there's a definitive change. She hears the scale beep, and she steps back off, looking at Roz, instead of the number before her.
"You've gained five-and-a-half pounds since you're last visit."
"Is that…" Santana finally looks, just to verify Roz's words. "Normal?"
"It's on the high end of normal. It's nothing to worry about, it could be a lot of bloating, but just watch your diet, especially your sodium intake."
"Okay…I'll keep an eye on that." Santana nods, sitting down on the exam table, as Roz takes out the blood pressure cuff. "You know, I really appreciate you doing my whole exam."
"You're a fellow doctor…and mostly, you're here after I sent my nurses home."
"Oh…I…sorry."
"Don't be. Just relax. You're tense."
"I guess I'm just nervous."
"The hard part is over."
"The scale part?"
"The insemination. Today's a fun visit…you get to be nervous again in seven months, when you push a watermelon out of your vagina."
"Are you…supposed to say things like that to freak me out?"
"Not saying it to freak you out, I'm just being perfectly honest. Would you rather I lie and tell you to take deep breaths and listen to relaxing music, and then you'll feel nothing?"
"I mean, no. Unless you want me to scream that you were full of shit in the delivery room." Santana can't help but laugh at her, and she looks at Brittany, who tries to contain herself.
"Exactly. So let's just agree that honestly is how we roll around here." She wraps the cuff around Santana's arm, and inflates it slowly. "Good. One-ten over seventy. Open."
Roz finishes Santana's vitals, and Santana fishers in the seat while she fills out the chart. She's fairly certain that Brittany senses her anxiety, because she slides her chair over, and offers an open palm to Santana. Without a moment's hesitation, Santana takes it, and holding her wife's hand, she inhales and exhales until Roz finishes what she's writing and comes back over.
"So, I'm going to do a transabdominal ultrasound first. There's a chance we won't see anything, and if that's the case, we'll try a transvaginal."
"Yeah, that's…do what you have to do." Santana nods, and slowly lifts her shirt up so her abdomen is exposed. "Can you see, Brittany."
"I can." She smiles, taking back Santana's hand. "Good?"
"Definitely."
"Let's see what we've got." Roz squeezes gel on Santana's exposed skin, and rolls the probe over where Santana knows her uterus is. It's nerve wracking, staring at the blank screen, but she tries not to vomit again. "It's not high definition quality, but…we've got a fetus right here."
Roz turns the machine so Santana and Brittany can see better, and Santana's breath catches in her throat. The sound comes in instant later, and though Santana hadn't realize that she'd been living in a perpetually tense state of being, she feels her whole body relax at the sound of the tiny fetal heartbeat. She knows fetal heartbeats are faster than a child or an adult's heartbeat, but still, it takes her by surprise. She's stunned, hearing this for the first time, and all she wants to do is throw her arms around Brittany, bury her face in her neck, just be held by her, because their baby is real, and she needs some sort of physical affection from her wife.
Through the rest of the appointment, Santana's head is elsewhere. Every day, she listens to heartbeats. Every day, she hearts the thump, thump, thump of life in tiny chests. But nothing could have prepared her for this. Nothing could have prepared her for the feeling of knowing that she is sustaining a heartbeat that small, that she is nourishing and housing and protecting a baby inside her uterus. It's amazing, it's astounding, and her throat is so choked with tears that she finds it nearly impossible to even respond when Roz gives her permission to resume taking baths, making love to her wife, lifting her son.
They leave the office, and Santana is quiet. She knows that Brittany understands, when she squeezes her hand and kisses her temple. Liam is waiting for them by the door when they get down to the daycare center, and Santana scoops him up into her arms, hugging him tightly, kissing the puckered skin over his eye.
"Hi Mommy Noodle! Hi!" He grins, nuzzling into her. "Guess who I's seein' today and havin' a sleepover?"
"Hmmm." She taps her chin. "Is it Santa Claus?"
"Noooo! Mama tell her! Tell her!"
"I think I might have forgotten, Li." Brittany's eyes sparkle. "Who is it?"
"Gramma Mary-Bell! Gramma Mary-Bell!"
"Grandma Maribel? Wow! You're lucky!"
"I know! I know! And guess who's comin' to see me t'morrow?"
"I know this one! Grandma and Grandpa!"
"Yes! Yes! They comin' from Boston!"
"And I heard—" Brittany smiles. "That you're going to help us cook dinner for them."
"Hot dogs! Hot dogs!"
"I don't think we're going to make hot dogs, but how about we make a big chicken?"
"I love that big chicken! Yes! Yes!"
Brittany drives home, and Maribel is already inside when they get there. Santana doesn't waste any time packing her things, even though she's still a little nauseous. Her whole body feels the weight of emotion, and she thinks it'll be really good for her to just be somewhere in private with her wife. With her overnight bag packed, she goes back downstairs, and Brittany is sitting on the floor with Liam reading to him. Santana just smiles, and she leans into her mom's side, who's watching them.
"Are you okay tonight, mija? You're quiet."
"Yeah…yeah, I'm good. Just tired, I think. I'm glad it's the weekend, and seriously, thanks for staying here tonight. I think Brittany just knew I needed this tonight."
"I'm always happy to watch Liam. Any time, I mean that sincerely."
"Really?"
"Really. I'm so glad to have a grandson. I never thought I'd get an instant toddler, but I can't tell you how glad I did."
"Trust me, mom." Santana feels her heart start to race, thinking of the secret she's keeping. "No one is more surprised by the turn of events in my life than I am."
When Brittany finishes Liam's book, she closes it, and gets back on her feet. They say their goodbyes, hugging both Liam and Maribel, and they get a cab downtown. After they check into their hotel and get up to their room, Santana flops back on the bed, kicking off her shoes. She needs to get dressed for dinner, she knows that laying down was the worst idea, but the bed is comfortable, and she can't help herself.
"Hey." Brittany perches on the bed beside her, and brushes Santana's hair from her face.
"I'm getting up, I swear."
"Don't push yourself if you don't want to. You've had a hell of a work week, and if you want to just lay down and sleep, I'm fine with that."
"I don't." Santana shakes her head, forcing herself to sit up. "I'm determined not to use our date night for me to pass out on you. I really want to put on the dress I packed and go to dinner. Then? I especially want to come back here and be naked with you."
"As long as you're up for it, you're not going to get any arguments here." Brittany laughs. "I'll start getting dressed."
Santana drags herself up off the bed, and she goes into the bathroom to splash water on her face and brush her teeth. The sheer level of exhaustion she feels every day still shocks her, but she's determined not to let it get the best of her, determined not to do any less than she was before she got pregnant. Quickly, she zips herself into a short black dress, and pulls her hair into a loose bun. When she goes back out into the room, Brittany is dressed, and Santana inhales sharply, taking in Brittany's beauty.
"You look amazing." Santana wraps her arms around Brittany from behind, and stands on her tip toes so she can rest her chin on her shoulder. "I really love you, Brittany Pierce."
"The feeling is mutual, Santana. You don't even know how I feel after today."
"It's pretty weird, isn't it? There's like…a human inside of me."
"There is." Brittany turns in Santana's arms and presses her hand gently against her abdomen. "I'm so in love with the whole thing."
"I'm kind of in love with it too." She kisses Brittany's chin and up to her mouth. "That was just…beyond my wildest dreams today. I don't even know. It's a heartbeat, and how many of them have we heard in our lives, you know? But this is like…ours?"
"I know. There's something about it. When Liam got out of his first surgery, I listened to his heart for a long time. This is different, of course, but, it reminds me of that a little, just the awe of knowing that my little person is there."
"Your little person." Santana sighs, content. "I love that."
At dinner, Santana is so grateful she managed to pull herself out of bed. Brittany made reservations at a tiny French restaurant, and it's so romantic that Santana feels dizzy. Their love story was never a whirlwind, it was something so much deeper than that, with Santana falling in love with Brittany's son, and Brittany managing motherhood, a seventy hour a week job, cross country travel and dating Santana all at once. But this, tonight, feels like something out of a movie, Santana thinks. In their private booth, the chef prepares a feast for them, and though Santana isn't drinking wine, she sips her iced tea and sidles up to Brittany as she slips bites of food into her mouth.
She's buzzing when they're through, and Brittany wraps an arm around her waist as they walk back to the hotel. It's a beautiful early summer night, but Santana is anxious to get back to their room. She's been controlling her desire for weeks, but now, now that Brittany has done this, now that they've had such an emotional day together, Santana aches to feel her wife's skin pressed against her. She aches to thread her fingers though long blonde hair. She aches for that physical intimacy so much that her knees buckle, and she has to blame her shoes.
They get back up to the hotel room, and Santana attempts to exercise some restraint. She slips her shoes off, and she goes to her bag, looking through for the pajamas she knows she didn't pack. As she stands there, touching the jeans she'd brought for the morning, Brittany presses into her back, pressing a kiss to the side of her face.
"Mmm. Feels good." Santana hums, weaving her fingers with Brittany's on her thighs. "I didn't bring my pajamas."
"I have an extra pair of sweats, if you need them." Brittany says absently, though her fingertips play with the hem of Santana's dress.
"I'd rather not."
"Are you sure you're not too tired? I know it's been a long day."
"Not too long for this." Santana exhales sharply, feeling Brittany's fingers caress the part of her thighs.
She closes her eyes, and takes in the buzz beneath her skin at her wife's touch. Maybe it's early pregnancy, maybe it's that she's gone Without for so many weeks, or maybe it's just because she never tires of Brittany's touch, but just from the gentlest of touches, Santana feels weak.
As Brittany's hand trails higher, fingering the soft lace of Santana's panties, her knees wobble again, and she presses her full weight against Brittany. Involuntarily, her legs spread, and Brittany takes that as an opportunity to dance her fingers along where lace meets bare skin. They creep, creep closer to being inside the material, and Santana resists the twin urges to buck into Brittany's hand or shove her own between her folds to handle the ache that spreads like molten fire.
"I need you inside of me." Santana gasps.
"Hmmm?"
Ignoring her plea, Brittany continues to trace Santana's folds, pressing the lace into her burning skin. For every torturous second, she regrets having worn panties at all, and she drops her head back against Brittany's shoulder, turning her face toward her neck. Her teeth nip at the tender skin there, and she feels her rapid patter of Brittany's heart against her teeth. She knows her own is hammering just as hard, and she gasps for breath as Brittany backs her up against the hotel bed.
She falls back against the soft sheets, and Brittany sheds her dress before her hands go up Santana's back, and removes hers as well. A shiver runs through her body as the cool hair pricks her skin, but Brittany's hand, cupping her breast through her bra warms her again. She loves this, she hates this, she wants the torture to end, and she wants it to continue forever. Brittany pushes her thighs up, and though she's still covered in lace, Santana feels open, bared.
While Santana kisses Brittany's lips, she feels the nimble fingers on her back unclasping her bra. Lips leave hers, and trail down, exploring her clavicle, her shoulder blade, her hardened nipples. Her thigh muscles tense, and she pushes up, desperate to bear down on something, desperate for Brittany's fingers.
"I love you." Brittany whispers, moving lower, pressing her lips to Santana's naval, spreading open palms on either side.
Santana whines, pushing herself up on her elbows so she can watch, and she's glad Brittany's hair is still pulled back, glad she has a full view of her face as she kisses lavender lace. Hot breath on Santana's sex nearly makes her collapse back into the pillows, but she fights to keep her bearings, fights to keep her eyes open to see something so gorgeous. Moving lower, Brittany's tongue probes Santana's entrance, but the barrier keeps Santana from the satisfaction she so desperately craves.
"Baby, please." Santana begs. "You're killing me. You've loved me enough, just…please fuck me before I die."
"I could never love you enough." Brittany doesn't lift her mouth to laugh, but her thumbs hook Santana's waistband, sliding down, down, until she's completely naked.
Santana's hands thread through Brittany's hair, urging Brittany to comply with her needs, but Brittany doesn't need the encouragement. She presses the flat of her tongue against Santana, before her lips suck Santana's clit, and her fingers begin a furious pace, thrust, suck, thrust, suck, until the coil at the pit of Santana's stomach springs, and her elbows give way beneath her.
"Fuck." She cries out, every cell vibrating. "Oh fuck."
"Good?" Brittany slides back up Santana's body, her fingers continuing to thrust gently in and out of her, coaxing a second smaller orgasm from Santana as she kisses her lips, and Santana's curls her tongue around one coated with her own arousal.
"Earth shattering." Santana's voice quivers as she laughs. "Come up here."
"I am up here." Brittany laughs in response, but Santana presses her fingers into Brittany's thighs, urging her to move.
"No, up here. I need my lips on you, and I can't move."
"Oh…okay." Her skin pricks with excitement, and Santana loves the effect she has on her wife. "You're sure you're not—"
"The only thing I'm sure of right now is needing you."
Before she moves, Brittany kisses Santana one more time, slow, deep, so full of love and adoration. Santana sucks in a deep breath when Brittany's fingers slip from inside of her, but the feeling of loss is countered when Brittany lowers herself down onto her face. Muscular thighs muffle any outside sound, and Santana breathes through her nose, trying to map Brittany's sex with only her mouth and her memory.
It's the most intimate thing she's ever done, Santana is certain of that at once. Her body still burns and buzzes with the remnants of her second orgasm, but it's her chest that aches, recognizing the depths of her love for Brittany as she pleasures her. She can't see, and it's difficult to breathe, but she feels alive, in a new sort of way, finding the right places that make Brittany moan and drop her head against the headboard so hard that the bed frame shakes.
When Brittany comes, she only lets her body go slack for a brief moment, before she moves off of Santana, and she collapses on her side beside her. Her whole body is flushed, and Santana takes it in, awed by her beauty. It takes a few minutes for Santana to regain her breath, but when she does, she lifts her head to kiss Brittany, smiling into it as she does.
"God that felt good." Santana inhales deeply, as Brittany trails her fingers over the warm skin of Santana's abdomen. "And exactly what I needed."
"Definitely made the stress of the week fade away. And I've been waiting so patiently to kiss all over your body again."
"I could tell." She laughs, shaking her head. "This was really nice, thank you for making a night for us."
"It was much needed for me too. I do love getting to sleep naked with you."
"Well, I can promise you that'll be any minute, because I'm like three seconds from going all Rip Van Winkle on you."
"I'm honestly surprised you made it this long. Go to bed, then maybe you'll be up early enough to do that again." Brittany waffles her eyebrows and smirks.
"Maybe you should just go ahead and set an alarm…"