Santana thinks she might be in shock. She can barely focus for the rest of her appointment, and she clings to Brittany. For strength, for love, for reassurance, for just…something she can't articulate. She realizes she feels absolutely terrified, especially when Roz tells them that she's going to classify her as high risk, since she's pregnant with multiples. It's a lot, and she isn't sure how to put it into words.
The whole night, she's quiet, and Brittany gives her space. Santana is desperate for Brittany to know that she's not upset, but every time she tries to speak, she starts to cry. It's just a shock. When they'd only implanted one egg, she hadn't even thought to picture more than one baby. But now that she knows there are two, that she's growing identical twins, she's trying to re-envision the future. Two babies. Two more little human beings in her house. A pregnancy that could be dangerous. It's terrifying and beautiful and exciting, so she can't stop crying.
Brittany holds her all night. She doesn't sleep, and she's pretty sure Brittany doesn't either. But they lay together in silence, Santana feeling a degree of calm in Brittany's arms. The next day at work, Santana is in a daze. She manages to get through her meeting with Sylvester and Shelby and five-year-old Robin, but she's sure her face is still obscenely swollen from her emotional night. For the rest of it, she's glad that she's working on a case with Rose, because there's something in her demeanor that forces Santana to focus, but also, it relaxes her, knowing she's with someone else capable.
Saturday, they run around after gymnastics for Liam's party. Santana is sure Liam knows something is going on, because he keeps stopping to hug her around the waist, and say Love you, Mommy Noodle. She feels terrible about that, that her emotions are effecting her son, but she doesn't know what to do about it.
It continues into the evening, when they decorate the house after Liam goes to bed. She and Brittany make small talk, while they hang the decorations—Brittany insistent that Santana doesn't get up on a chair—and lay his gifts out on the sofa. It's strange, Santana knows it's strange, but she still isn't sure how to explain how's she's feeling.
Santana stands in the shower for a long time, looking down at her abdomen. There are two human beings in there. She's responsible for two lives. Knowing she was responsible for one felt like one almost too grave, but two…the things that could go wrong make her vomit, blood red from her last slushee swirling down the drain.
She's crying again when she gets out. She hates the look of concern on Brittany's face when she sees her like that, so she puts on a sweatshirt and shorts and crawls into her arms again. She's safe there. The babies are safe. Nothing can go wrong when Brittany's strength keeps them together. For a short period of time, she manages to cry herself to sleep, but she wakes up again with a start, the darkness in the room leaving her grasping for Brittany's hands.
"What if I fuck this up?" Santana croaks, finally acknowledging it out loud. "What if something goes wrong?"
"Sweetheart." Brittany coos, squeezing Santana's hands tightly and pulling her closer. "There's nothing you can do to mess this up."
"So many things can go wrong. So many."
"I know that, I do. But I also know that when things go wrong, it's nature, not anyone's fault."
"I'm so scared." Hot tears run down Santana's cheeks. "When I first saw it, my first instinct was to be over the moon. Two babies, double what we thought, and in one try. But then…God. I…I don't even know what to say. I don't know how to talk to you, because I'm so petrified that you're going to think I'm not happy."
"I don't think that, Santana. I think you're rightfully freaked out. It's a big surprise, and when it's your body and your health, it has to be even more concerting. But I promise, I'm going to take care of all of you. Whatever you need, okay?"
"I don't even know what I need." Santana turns to face Brittany, nose brushing hers. "I really don't. And it's Liam's birthday, and he's worried about me, and everyone's coming over, and I just need to calm the fuck down."
"It's a party, honey. Your emotional wellbeing is a lot more important to me than that."
"Well if that's the case." Santana laughs bitterly. "Then you're going to be worrying about me for the rest of your life."
"Santana." Brittany shakes her head. "You've really been able to manage yourself well lately. I know you feel a lot, and I know a change in routine is tough for you."
"I better get used to it." She shakes her head, tears falling on Brittany's chest. "Because it's about to be a huge upset."
Brittany kisses Santana's lips, and Santana is certain it's because she has no idea what to say to settle her anxieties. But she clings to it regardless, holding the kiss for a long time, before settling Brittany's hands on her swelling midsection. She's here, she loves her, she's going to be okay. Her and these babies and Liam and Brittany, they're all going to be okay.
Sleep is fitful for Santana, as usual, but she does manage to get some in. She wakes up to squeals and shrieks in the morning, and seeing Liam jumping up and down on Brittany beside her does wonders for calming her nerves—at least temporarily. She rolls onto her side, and pushes herself up, watching Brittany kiss all over Liam's face.
"I's my birfday!" He cries out, though Brittany tries to hush him through her laughter.
"It's your birthday?" Santana raises her eyebrows in mock surprise. "Nobody told me!"
"I telled you, Mommy Noodle! I telled you!"
"You did? Hmm, if I was your birthday, wouldn't we have gotten some balloons?"
"Oh no!" Brittany gasps. "How could we forget balloons."
"We can get them! We can get them!" Liam attempts to dive onto Santana, but Brittany catches him, carefully setting him on top of her.
"We should probably have breakfast before that, birthday boy." Santana winks. "Happy birthday, Sir."
"I is so big now! Soon I can be a doccer too!"
"You want to be a doctor? I thought you wanted to be an armadillo."
"I can be a doccer armadino!"
"A doctor armadillo?" Brittany leans over to kiss Santana, and then Liam's head. "I have to remember to ask Miss Sue if we hire any doctor armadillos."
"No yet Mama! No yet! I needs to grow big first!"
"You're growing very big, little boy." She smiles. "Isn't he, Mommy?"
"So big, Liam. So how about that breakfast?"
"Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!"
When they get downstairs, Liam is absolutely beside himself when he sees the balloons Brittany managed to sneak into the house. He dances around the kitchen, and Santana sips her coffee slowly, just observing him. He's the happiest child, in spite of all he's been through. He lost his parents, he'd been so severely burned that he nearly died, he'd had an untended broken arm for an extended period of time, he's had surgeries and countless hours of physical therapy, and yet, he's always smiling. It's something Santana finds hard to comprehend, but when she looks at him, it all seems to make sense.
She wonders how he'll react to the news that they're having two new babies. She wonders what he'll be like as a big brother. He's going to be thrilled, she thinks. He's going to take it so very seriously, fawning over his new siblings. Maybe it's Pierce blood. Maybe she should have suggested carrying one of Brittany's eggs. She's not sure, really. She just wishes, she supposes, that the dark and stormy wouldn't come over her so frequently. She wishes she could dance around with balloons. She wishes she had the resilience that her son does.
After breakfast, Brittany's parents arrive. They'd agreed not to say anything about the change in her pregnancy until after the party. Santana is insistent that the news of twins doesn't overshadow Liam's day, and Brittany agrees with her. They'll tell them after Liam is in bed, or tomorrow, or over the phone, whenever Santana is ready to break the news to everyone. She wants to do it when she feels excited. She doesn't want anyone to think that she's miserable at the prospect of getting double what she'd hoped for.
Whitney gets teary every time she looks at Santana, and finally Brittany banishes her from the kitchen, making her join Pierce and Liam in building train tracks. While Santana stands at the counter, cutting up cheese to put out, Brittany comes up behind her, wrapping her arms around her waist. She kisses her neck, and her hands fall to rest on Santana's middle. They don't say anything, Santana just keeps cutting, and Santana feels Brittany's eyes on her hands and she continues to cut.
"You're very interested in my knife skills." Santana laughs, tilting her head to the side.
"As a fellow surgeon, I can appreciate the precision of your work."
"You're a nerd. But, a really amazing nerd."
"Are you okay with my mom? Because I can talk to her if she's making you uncomfortable."
"No, Britt, please don't." She shakes her head. "She's excited, I'm excited she's excited. It feels good to have so much love around me, you know? I'm so grateful that this…these babies will grow up with something I didn't have. I really love your parents."
"They really love you too, Santana."
"That makes me so happy. You're just so special, and the fact that they really do think I'm good enough for you…"
"Come here." Brittany steps back, opening her arms so Santana can fit into them more comfortably. She slips into them, head resting on Brittany's chest.
"What?"
"Nothing, I just wanted a few seconds with you like this. Then I'll start making the salad."
"Everything feels less overwhelming like this."
"Yeah." Brittany kisses the top of Santana's head. "It does."
Though they'd probably pushed the limits of how many people could comfortably fit in the living space of their house and small yard, people begin to arrive. Maribel insists upon helping with the food, and Santana willingly agrees, giving up her spot to her mother and finding Liam in the living room, bouncing around and dancing, like he'd done when he woke up in the morning.
She doesn't actually know the parents of most of the kids from Liam's day care that they'd invited, just a general sense of recognition from drop off and pickup, and around the hospital. Brittany doesn't know many either, much to Santana's relief. There are a lot of things that feel like catch up for her with Liam, so she's glad that today, she's not the only one who's out of the loop when it comes to the parents of his friends.
"Hey." Mercedes comes up beside her. "I'll just have you know that Liam Pierce is the only kid I'd come to a party full of tiny humans for."
"I'll remember that in a year and a half."
"Doubt a one-year-old will be surrounding themselves with a baby posse."
"Yeah." Santana chokes, realizing that she'd almost slipped the one thing she's intent upon by saying, but the one constant thought in her mind.
"You okay?"
"Yeah, yeah." She shakes her head and whispers. "A little morning sickness. Well Sam looks like he wants to be invited to every kid party until the end of time."
"Because Sam is a child." Mercedes rolls her eyes. "And I say that with love."
"I guess you better prepare for ten or twelve than?"
"Listen, keep it up and I'll send Kurt over to hang out with you. He looks like he might vomit."
"Because Kurt Hummel actually hates children. I have to tell him, and is it weird that I'm kind of terrified?"
"Not weird, but not necessary. He might not be into kids, but he's here, and I'm pretty sure he bought Liam a Gucci suit, so…"
"A Gucci suit?" Santana raises her eyebrows. "For all his formal dinners?"
"I'm kidding, I have no idea what he bought him. Dave probably picked it out."
"'Cedes?"
"Yeah?"
"It's two." She whispers, knowing that she just can't hold it in any longer, knowing that she's the only one in the room Santana can tell who could keep themselves together.
"Uh, okay? So…what happens at two? Strippers jump out of the cake."
"No…it's…there are two of them. Identical two of them."
"In you?" Mercedes whispers back, and Santana can see that she's desperately trying to keep a straight face. "Oh God, how much are you freaking out right now?"
"You don't even know. Basically a mental breakdown in the middle of the night."
"Honest question though, are you still taking your meds?"
"Everything but the Ambien." Santana nods, appreciative of Mercedes' concern.
"Good. I don't mean to be up in your business, but—"
"No, I know. You've been there will me. It's not something I'll ever do again, trust me. I checked everything with Amy before we even tried. She said it was fine, Roz said it was fine, so it's good."
"Mommy Noodle! Mommy Noodle! Mommy Noodle!"
"Liam! Liam! Liam!" She lifts him up as he runs toward her, and spins him in a half circle. "Are you having fun?"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! 'Cedes! I's my birfday!"
"So I've heard." She laughs. "Better watch out for Sam, he might try to eat all your cake."
"Oh no!" He giggles. "Mommy Noodle no let him!"
"Don't you worry, Sir. No cake for Sam until everyone gets some!"
"Sounds like I'm missing a lot of fun over here." Brittany comes up behind Santana, and rubs noses with Liam over her shoulder. "Hi baby boy."
"Mama! Mama! Mama! You is!" He wriggles out of Santana's hold and slides down her body. "I be back!"
Santana is glad that with everything done, Brittany can actually enjoy herself at the party. Besides that, Brittany is still her favorite person in the world to be around, and she's glad she can stick by her side as they mingle with both their own friends, and the parents of Liam's.
Throughout the party, Maribel keeps bringing Santana bottles of water, and though she rolls her eyes every time, she does drink them, really trying to stay hydrated and eat just enough that she doesn't feel nauseous, but not too much so that she does. It's a careful balance, she's learned, but today she seems to have gotten it right, she feels just mildly ill, and she's glad for that so she can enjoy Liam's day. She thinks of when Liam invited her to his birthday party, before she was anything to Brittany. She thinks of how awkwardly she'd showed up, how uncertain she was that she'd done the right thing. And the thinks of how warmly the Pierces embraced her, how she'd felt like home, even as an outsider. And now…
Liam is beside himself when he sees the cake that they'd ordered for him. While Santana had gotten it into her head that she wanted to bake him one, to make it special, she realized before she even started that she can't be a great surgeon and a great baker all at once. So they'd ordered him a Thomas cake, and Brittany had smiled wistfully as they did, wondering if it would be the last year Liam was interested in trains. Wondering what next year, when he turns five would bring. But for this year, he gets to stay a baby a little longer, and they savor it, both kissing his face as he grins, knowing that Maribel has been taking pictures all day.
After everyone leaves but Maribel and the Pierces, Liam collapses with exhaustion in the middle of the floor, the string of a balloon trapped between his fingers. Santana considers breaking the news to their family, but as Maribel finishes cleaning up, and Whitney and Pierce start getting ready to go back to their hotel, she decides to wait. She feels at peace right now, watching Liam sleep, and she doesn't want to upset that. When Brittany goes to walk her parents out to their car, Santana is left alone with her mother. Though Maribel has her purse over her shoulder, ready to walk out the door and hail a cab, she pauses, looking at Santana as she perches on the edge of the armchair.
"What?"
"Nothing, honey." Maribel shakes her head. "It was just a nice day."
"It was. I'm glad we could give him this. It's really important to me."
"Santana, I—"
"I know, Ma. I didn't say it to make you feel bad about it." Santana sighs. "I'm just saying that I can, because of her, and you couldn't, because of him."
"You've grown up into such an amazing woman." Maribel covers her mouth, then steps forward to embrace Santana. "I'm proud of you every day."
"I'm trying. I've got…stuff, but I'm doing well, healing more every day. And you are too, I think?"
"I am." She nods against Santana's shoulder. "Seeing you happy really helps me to."
"Good. I love you, Mom."
"I love you too, sweet baby girl."
When Brittany comes back inside, Maribel leaves. Looking at the clock, Brittany lifts Liam from the floor and into her arms. It's just past seven-o'clock, but Santana feels like she's dead on her feet. Turning off the lights in case they don't come back downs, she meanders up the stairs behind Brittany and into Liam's bedroom. He still has his party hat on as she lays him in bed, and Santana watches as she carefully removes it, running her thumb over the indent left by the string. Brittany sits down on the edge of the bed beside him, and she studies his face.
Santana just stands watching. She watches as Brittany leans over to kiss the scars on his face. She watches as she tucks the blanket over him, though he's still fully clothed. She watches as she holds his little hand, smoothing the skin with her fingers. She watches as she sucks in a breath. And then, when a shuddering sob breaks from her chest, Santana approaches slowly, dropping her hand to Brittany's shoulder.
"I'm okay." She murmurs. "I'm okay."
"Okay…"
"I'm sorry…"
"Brittany, why are you sorry?"
"This happens every year on his birthday. I remember thinking how nice it was last year to have you as a distraction, and then you left and…this exact thing happened." She shakes her head. "It's just a hard day."
"Britt." Santana takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry I didn't realize, I should have. I was a mess about me, and…"
"Please, Santana, don't. This is old stuff." Brittany sniffles. "I see him so happy, and I wish she could too. That's what the hardest part is. I'm so grateful every day that I have him, but it came at the worst cost."
"Can I hug you?"
"Please." She nods, and Santana crouches down, wrapping her arms around Brittany. "Thank you. I love you."
"I love you too, so much. I hate that you're hurting, and that you always will."
"I miss her. She would have been so excited about us right now. When she was pregnant with Li, she was convinced she was having twins. We teased her about it for the longest time."
"Oh, Britt." Santana hugs her harder. "This must be hard for you too then."
"No, I'm so incredibly happy about it, because I think of how much she'd love it. She would have been all over you, she loved pregnant women, and she'd have especially loved it with you."
"I mean it every time I tell you I would have love to have met her." Stroking her hair, Santana just tries as hard as she can to be soothing for Brittany.
"That means more to me than you know." She reaches her hand over to ruffle Liam's hair. "Oh, my boy, how much I love you."
"Do you want some time with him alone?"
"No." Brittany shakes her head. "I'd like to sit here a bit, but I'd love if you sat with us too."