With the decision made to return to work, Santana schedules a meeting with Shelby. She knows that Shelby is going to make her get medically cleared before she can return to work, and she knows she's going to ask a million questions trying to make sure she's emotionally ready, so Santana prepares herself. She's not looking forward to it, not at all, but she'll say whatever she has to say to her boss to get back in the operating room.
The morning of her meeting, Santana wakes up a wreck. With either Max or Oliver up every half hour, and Liam coming into the room at four-am, her nerves are shot. She rolls out of bed, groaning at the tenderness of her nipples from near constant feedings, and she leaves Brittany asleep with the boys in order to get into the shower. With the water as hot as it can go, she soaks herself, gently massaging her breasts the way she used to do when the scar tissue was painful, and though she probably shouldn't, she expresses some milk so she's a little more comfortable.
When she gets out, she stands at the bathroom counter, and she blow dries her hair, spending exponentially more time on it than she has since before she first went on bedrest. It takes her nearly an hour to straighten it, and when she begins putting her makeup on, she can hear Liam talking to Brittany in the bedroom. Deeply, she inhales, mentally preparing herself for the day ahead of her, mentally preparing herself to take things as they come, and not be sent into tears by every minor thing she faces.
By the time she goes back into the bedroom, it's empty. Brittany is good, so good, and she's sure she's already downstairs making breakfast. For Brittany, maternity leave has been spent really savoring her extra time with the boys, and every moment of every day, Santana is grateful to have married such an amazing woman. Slowly, Santana gets dressed, slipping into her pantyhose and a skirt, and buttoning up a soft yellow blouse. Though she'd dressed up for her date with Brittany on New Year's Eve, this is the first time she's looked like Dr. Lopez in months, and when she looks in the mirror, she's surprised that she doesn't feel as comfortable in those clothes as she should.
Downstairs, Liam is sitting in his seat at the table, and Brittany stands in her pajamas at the stove making eggs, with Max and Oliver in their matching seats at her feet. It's a beautiful sight, Santana thinks, and when Brittany turns around with the spatula in her hand, she manages a soft smile. Though the nagging in the back of her head tells her that this should be enough, for someone like Santana, who struggles persistently with her identity, she needs to get back to the root of who she is. She needs to talk to patients' families, she needs to walk the halls of Columbia Presbyterian as a doctor, not a mother, she needs to scrub her hands and snap on her gloves and heal, both her patients and herself.
"You look nice." Brittany nods from the stove, and Santana's cheeks warm.
"Thanks…My regular clothes still don't fit me." She sighs a little. "And these maternity clothes are kind of big. I need to go shopping before I go back to work, I guess."
"Take the day, if you need it, Santana. Go out after your meeting, if you want to. I've got things under control around here."
"I know you do." Santana murmurs, feeling a sting of guilt that she certainly doesn't. "I'll see how I feel, I guess. I'm kind of sore this morning, and just…tired."
"I wish there was something I could do to make the night's easier on you." Brittany shakes her head. "I know last night was particularly brutal."
"All you can eat Mommy buffet, apparently." Santana bends down to kiss Max and Oliver, then goes to the table to look at what Liam is coloring. "I'm sorry, I'm not complaining, I'm just…shot."
"You got shot, Mommy Noodle?" Liam looks up at her with wide eyes. "Oh no!"
"No, Sir. I didn't mean to scare you. I mean I'm just very tired." She soothes, ruffling his hair. "And I love your picture."
"It's my babies! See! That's Maxie, and that's Ollie!" He points emphatically, and Santana smiles.
"I do see, and I love it. Maybe we can hang it up in their room?"
"Okey! Okey! I can finish it!" Liam goes back to coloring intently, and Santana walks back over to the stove.
"Hi, good morning, this is me not complaining for one second of my life." Santana kisses Brittany's lips, and let's them linger there. "I love you."
"I love you too, Santana. So much. Are you ready for today?"
"I mean…it should just be a formality. I can't do anything until after my appointment with Roz next week anyway, but…I just need to be prepared."
"I get that. And I know you're anxious to get back."
"I feel like a horrible mother still. We have the means that I could stay home with them another six months, a year…until they go to kindergarten." Santana sighs.
"Just because we have the means doesn't mean it's what's right for us, or for you. We have the means that I could stay home too, Santana, but I don't want to, so you shouldn't feel like you are doing something wrong by wanting to go back to work."
"I know…I know…I do. I'm just…nursing, and hormonal, and…whatever else. I'm sorry."
Before Brittany can respond to her, Oliver wakes up and begins to cry in his seat. It's still so jarring for Santana, and before she can lift him up and into her arms, she feels the familiar wetness soaking through her shirt. It frustrates her to no end, the complete inability she has to control her bodily functions, and she chastises herself for forgetting the nursing pads in her bra, and soiling yet another one of her shirts with breastmilk.
"Goddamnit." She mutters, tugging at her buttons and ripping the shirt off, before she undoes her bra and lets Oliver nurse. She hates nursing standing, and hates that she's irritated while he's eating, and she hates that she's probably going to be late for this meeting because she spent too much time on her hair and makeup, and didn't allow herself a cushion to feed a baby for what feels like the thousandth time since midnight. "Okay, Ol, you've got it, shhh."
"Let me run up and get you another shirt, honey. I know you're on a time schedule."
"Thank you." Santana doesn't argue, she just sinks down into a chair with Oliver, and throws her head back. "Thank you."
By the time Brittany comes back down with a clean shirt for her, Max has woken up, and Santana has him on her other breast. She's sweating a little, but she practices breathing deeply, practices being present with her babies, practices remembering that she's a human being. Liam talks to her as she nurses, and he helps her recognize that too. To stay engaged with him is so vitally important to her, and she's so thankful to have that sweet little boy in her life. She wants time with just him, as soon as she can manage it, she wants him to know that even though Max and Oliver depend on her right now for food, that he's no less important to her. She'll get there, she knows she'll get there, she just…has to get through things one day at a time.
When they finally finish nursing, Santana trades Max and Oliver for the breast pads in Brittany's hand, and tucks them down into her bra, hoping they prevent any further leakage while she's on the peds floor of the hospital, and there's bound to be another baby crying. She slips into her clean shirt, and she smoothes it down in the front. Kissing Liam goodbye first, she murmurs to him that she'll bring him a treat home, and then she kisses the twins, followed by Brittany's lips. Tenderly, Brittany tucks her hair behind Santana's ear, then kisses her forehead lovingly.
"Good luck, Santana. I love you."
"I love you too, Britt. I'll call you after and just…let you know what I'm going to do."
"Whatever you need, honey. We'll be here, doing our thing."
With one final glance behind her, Santana grabs Brittany's car keys and leaves the house. She's glad she can at least drive herself again, and when she gets behind the wheel, she takes another deep breath before she heads down to the hospital. The winds whip between buildings, and even in the car, she feels a chill from it. The sky is grey, and she can feel impending snow on the horizon, but she's glad to be out of the house for a while, glad to recompose herself when she's not in the presence of her wife and children.
She finds Brittany's spot in the parking structure, and she rushes inside the hospital, avoiding as much of the bitter cold as she can. By the time she makes it to the elevator, ten different people have greeted her, and she gives a tight smile and short answers about how she's feeling, how Brittany is doing, and hope the kids are in response. The peds floor is, of course, even more intense, and though she bristles, she accepts the hugs that are given to her, but is relieved when she finally makes it to Shelby's office. The door is open, and once she's waved inside, Santana shuts the door behind her, and takes the seat across from Shelby's desk.
"Good morning, Santana. It's so good to see you back at my desk. How are you feeling?"
"It's been almost six weeks, so…I'm just about ready to come back to work."
"I wasn't asking about medical time frames. I was genuinely asking how you were doing."
"Better than I was." Santana shrugs. "I'm almost healed, my sons are both home. So, I really have no reason to complain."
"And you feel well?" Shelby clicks the back of her pen against her desk, and Santana feels her eyes boring into her.
"Why are you looking at me like you're my therapist?"
"I'm looking at you as a concerned friend. Santana, we both know the trauma that parents of sick children—"
"Oliver isn't sick." She snaps.
"He wasn't well when he was born. The feelings you have about that don't just disappear when a child comes home."
"Really didn't come here for a therapy session, Dr. Corcoran. I think you're way overstepping."
"As Dr. Corcoran, perhaps I am. But I was speaking to you as Shelby. I'm asking you to be honest with me so I can adjust your schedule to fit your needs right now. Your job isn't going anywhere, Santana, no matter how much time you need to take off."
"I don't need any more time off. What I need is to get back to my career. I need accommodations to pump, which we have, and I'd prefer to be on days at least for the first few months. That's it. I'm telling you, I'm fine."
"If Dr. Washington gives you medical clearance, there's nothing I can do to stop you from coming back to work. But I'd like the assurance that if these accommodations aren't working, you'll come to me, and we'll adjust things."
"I'm a good doctor, Shelby."
"No, you're a great doctor, and from what limited experience I've had with you and your children, I'd venture to say you're a great mother too. That's why I want to help you balance it. When I adopted Beth, I wasn't given an opportunity to find that balance, and I promised myself I'd never put my staff in a similar position. This isn't preferential treatment for you because I consider you my friend, Santana, nor because I was one of your son's attending physicians during his stay here. This is department policy."
"I want to come back to work full time."
"Okay." Shelby nods, closing the file in front of her. "Then as soon as you're cleared, you'll be back on the schedule."
Santana isn't sure why, but when she leaves Shelby's office, she feels incredibly frustrated. It's like…everyone is just expecting her to fall apart at any given moment, and while she wants to prove that she won't,she knows that is a very real possibility she'll fail at that, and the idea of it makes her insane. Rather than go home, where she knows she should go, where she knows she should want to go, Santana takes Brittany up on her offer, and she goes to Bloomingdales. Though the cold and almost-snow makes it the absolute worst possible day for it, Santana just needs some more time. She needs to decompress, she needs to not walk into the house feeling frustrated with absolutely everything.
Parking the car in the garage around the corner, Santana walks the floors of the store aimlessly. She's disgusted by the idea of trying on clothes in the dressing room—she always has been, that's no new—so she buys things she'll probably return, and then she walks around some more. She picks up things that she might want to buy Brittany for her birthday, and then puts them down again, deciding that nothing is good enough, deciding that she can't possibly express her love with a stupid pair of boots or a coat. So she walks again, until her breasts begin to ache, and she knows she's past the time she should have gone home.
It's snowing when she leaves, and Santana hates to drive in bad weather. Briefly, she considers leaving the car in the garage and taking a cab home, but the idea of having to get it tomorrow overwhelms her, and she knows that if she tells Brittany, she'll go, and then Santana will feel like shit about it. So she drives, gripping the wheel tightly, and gritting her teeth. When she finally arrives home, she breathes a sigh of relief, glad to be off the roads, glad to empty her aching breasts, glad to see her family.
When she goes inside, Santana finds Brittany and the boys asleep on the living room couch. In the time she's known her, Santana is certain she's never seen Brittany Pierce nap. Even when she works night shifts, Santana swears that she just stays awake all day, and never really stops moving. It's cute to see her like that though, Liam curled up beside her, and both babies sound asleep on her chest. It makes Santana's heart ache. It makes her wish she could lay beside them, hold them all close, love them in the way they deserve to get her love.
Though Santana really needs to get a baby on her to nurse, she doesn't have the heart to wake them up. Instead, she changes her clothes, and she goes into the kitchen to start putting something together for dinner. It's early, but the snow is starting to come down more heavily, and she just wants it done, so they can start a fire and relax as a family. She's just finished stuffing the chicken when she hears Oliver begin to cry—she's finally able to distinguish the babies' cries—and she feels her overly full breasts start to leak again. Leaving the chicken on the counter, she scrubs her hands, and she goes back into the living room, seeing Brittany soothe him as she tries to keep the other two boys asleep.
"I didn't even hear you come in." Brittany murmurs, looking up at Santana. "How long have you been home?"
"Half hour?" She shrugs. "You guys looked really comfy, so I didn't wake you up."
"I didn't realize how tired I was until they all fell asleep."
"Long night last night." Santana yawns, and leans down to take Oliver, before sitting down in the big chair with him.
"You should take a nap. I was going to go to Whole Foods and make sure that we're all stocked up for the blizzard."
"Is it a blizzard now?"
"Blizzard watch, but I'd rather be prepared in case."
"Stay in." Santana shakes her head, urging Oliver, who is reluctant to latch on. "There's plenty of food in the house, and we still have like…three cases of water from when my mom went to Costco. The roads were already starting to get bad, and I don't want you to go."
"Okay." Brittany concedes quickly. "If you think we're okay. We have that chicken in there for dinner, right?"
"Already ready to go in the oven." Santana smiles, feeling a strange sense of pride in herself that she managed to do something human. "And the potatoes are in water on the stove."
"You didn't have to do that, Santana. I could have."
"Britt, you've cooked dinner almost every night since I went on bedrest. I really want to cook tonight. I just…want to get back on a routine, I think."
"How did your meeting go?"
"It was…" Santana tries to hide her involuntary grimace. "It was fine. Shelby was just, like, trying to act like a therapist. I don't need that. I just need to be cleared for surgery, I need to be back in the hospital. I need to go back when you do, because if I don't, I'm going to go insane sitting here. I know that sounds awful…"
"No, I get it. You've been out much longer than I have, and even I'm getting a little stir-crazy here. It's not indicative of our motherhood. I believe it's intrinsically tied to it. We have three little boys, and they get to see the two strong women who raise them kind of kick ass."
"We do kind of kick ass." Santana laughs. "Hey, I miss being in surgery with you. It feels like it's been a hundred years."
"It has been a long time since we've done one together. I'm grateful that you haven't had any kids who have needed me, but I do enjoy operating beside my wife."
"Because I play Fleetwood Mac in the OR, obviously."
"Oh, obviously." Brittany rubs Max's back, and Santana sees Liam begin to stir. "You seem happy today."
"I really wasn't for the whole morning. Shelby pissed me off when she started talking to me like a patient, but…coming home to this really cute pile of the people I love most in the world made me feel better."
"She's just concerned about you, Santana."
"Did you tell her I was…whatever?"
"I would never." Brittany looks hurt at the assumption, and Santana immediately feels bad. "No matter what, I would never say anything to anyone that would put you in a bad situation at work."
"God, sorry." Santana runs her hand through her hair. "I know you wouldn't. I just…it's hard for me knowing that everyone at the hospital knows so much of my business because I had them there. I mean, tip of the iceberg, but two of my scrub nurses saw my vagina. I feel like my privacy is just…gone. And now Shelby was kind of talking to me like a patient, and it's a lot."
"I understand that." Brittany nods. "Not that it's the same, but I had an appendectomy at Brigham, and it was weird for me for a few weeks."
"I just don't want them to look at me with…pity, I guess? Like, yeah, I had twins kind of early, one of them had to be in the NICU, but they're fine. I'm fine. I want to just be fucking Dr. Lopez when I go back to work."
"What can I do?"
"Nothing." Santana shakes her head. "It's fine, I'm just venting, and I don't want to talk about it anymore."
"Do you want to talk about how Max was blowing bubbles for like twenty minutes, and Liam couldn't stop laughing instead?"
"Yes." She smiles a little. "I would absolutely love to talk about that instead."
For the next half hour, it's just Brittany, Santana and Oliver who are awake, and Santana relishes the quiet, letting Oliver try to lay on his stomach on the floor. He doesn't like it much, always getting frustrated after a few minutes, but she forces herself not to pick him up immediately. She has such an instinct to protect him from discomfort, but she tells herself that he needs to gain strength, needs to attempt the things they're doing with Max. So she leaves him, until he starts to cry, and then she gathers him back into her arms, watching Liam wake at the sound of it.
"Shhh! Baby! I'm sleepin' okey?"
"Oh, Li." Brittany smiles and ruffles his hair. "I think Ollie knows it's really time for us to wake up. Guess what? Mommy told me that it's snowing outside."
"Mommy Noodle's home? It's snowing? Yes! Yes! Yes! I can wake up now!" He wriggles out from beside Brittany, and runs to Santana, wrapping his arms around her legs. "Hi! Why's Ollie cryin'?"
"Oliver doesn't like being on his belly very much, remember?"
"Ollie! Remember? I showed you about being on my belly and wigglin'! It's fun!"
Continuing to cry, Oliver turns his head from Liam, and Liam looks simply crestfallen. It's taking him time to comprehend that the twins don't understand him yet, and that their slights are definitely not a reflection of how much they love him. It's hard sometimes for Santana to watch, particularly because she hasn't been as attentive to her oldest son as she had been before they came, but she tries to hard to be everything everyone needs her to be, even when she's falling apart inside.
"It's okay, Sir, he's just a little cranky right now. But he'll get happier soon, and maybe, if you wanted, I could take you outside to see the snow in a little bit?"
"Me and you in the snow? Yes! Yes! Yes! Mama! Mommy Noodle is gonna play with me in the snow!"
"That sounds really special." Brittany smiles at him, as Max stretches his arms above his head on her chest and grunts. "Maybe Max and Oliver will be want to be bundled up and come outside too."
"They can come outside?" Liam's eyes widen, and he claps his hands. "I can show them the snow?"
"You can." Santana chokes out, though her chest seizes in panic at the thought of the twins, especially Oliver, in the bitter cold. "But just for a minute, okay? It's really cold out there."
"Okey! Babies, I can show you the snow very fast, and then we can come inside and have hot chocolate!"
"Hot chocolate, huh?" Santana manages an easier laugh. "Who said anything about hot chocolate?"
"I buyed it with Mama the other day! We can have some!"
"We can definitely have some. How about you get your snowpants from your room, and we get you all dressed?"
"Okey, Mommy Noodle! Okey!"
Liam runs up the stairs, and Santana switches babies with Brittany. Max nurses hungrily, and Santana sighs a little, running her fingers through his soft curls. She looks up at Brittany, and sees a face of concern.
"Are you okay, Santana?"
"Yeah. Yeah. I'm fine…I'm just. It's really cold, and I'm like, I don't know. They haven't even left the house since we brought them home."
"I know they haven't, and I know that you're afraid to take them out."
"Maybe if they'd been born in the summer…"
"Honey." Brittany stands up from the couch, and perches on the edge of the chair where Santana sits. "No matter when you would have had them, it would have been scary to bring them out into the world. I remember when I brought Liam home for the first time, and I felt exactly the same way. On top of having no idea how to be a mother, I had this toddler with fresh grafts, and a world out there with so many germs. I stayed in with him until I had to go back to work, and every day, I swear, I became increasingly afraid of the outside. I don't want to do that again."
"Doing this for the first time is really hard for me, Brittany. Not just taking them outside, but…being a mom.I've gotten to have so many firsts with Liam in the time I've had him, but…they're not as scary as these."
"I know that Liam had his surgery before he was legally yours, and that it wasn't his first surgery. But the thing I remember most about that day was your strength. I think that the night before, when you asked to be brave for me, I fell so much more in love with you."
"I can't even believe we're comparing Liam's surgery to fucking going outside." Santana shakes her head, embarrassed. "This is absolutely ridiculous. I'm being ridiculous."
"I didn't mean to make you feel that way. I just wanted to remember that you've been part of his scary things too. I think we should take them out, Santana, I do. But I'm not going to push it if you're not ready. I get it, it's cold, it's snowing."
"No. I mean, it's fine. We bought those stupid snow suits that we really didn't need, and those kangaroo jackets. Liam never lasts very long, before his arm starts to bother him anyway. And at least with no people around, there'll be no germs."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah." Santana swallows hard. "I'm sure."
When Liam comes back with his snow pants, Santana watches Brittany settle Oliver into his seat, and begin to help him get dressed. As soon as his boots are on, Liam stomps around excitedly, and Santana anxiously awaits the end of Max's typically long feeding so that she can make sure he's completely dry, and bundle him up as tightly as she can. Brittany leaves her with all three boys to go upstairs, and when she comes down again, she has the twins' warm clothes, as well as hers and Santana's.
Carefully, Santana changes Max out of his wet diaper, and is much slower in getting him into his fleece one piece than Brittany is with Oliver. They snap hats on them both, and finally, once they're zipped into their matching grey snow suits, Santana lets Brittany help her into her always-too-big snowpants, and for her own reassurance, puts Oliver in the carrier on her chest before zipping into her kangaroo jacket that lets his little head poke out.
Once Brittany does the same with Max, she zips Liam's coat, and Santana takes slow, steady breaths. It took her enough time to venture out of the house alone, and now, in the same day, she's conquering such a deep personal fear. All the wants in the world is to keep her children safe, all she wants is to never be the cause of something that harmed them again—since she still hasn't moved past blaming herself for everything that happened to Oliver—and sometimes it feels like the easiest way to do that is just to keep them shut up in their safe little house. The place where it's warm, and they have a sprinkler system and carbon monoxide detectors and an alarm system and two surgeon moms who can do CPR and first aid in their sleep.
"Hey." Brittany takes Santana's gloved hand in her own, as she opens the front door. "I love you."
"Me too." Santana murmurs in response, feeling the gust of cold air and blast of snow on her face. "I'm still okay."
"Are you sure? Because I can give you Max right now, and I'll take Liam out."
"No, I promise, I'm good. I'm trying to not be crazy, and this is like…baptism by fire. It is pretty out though, isn't it?"
"Not as pretty as you." Brittany cheeses, and even through her laugh, Santana's cheeks heat up.
"That was really cheesy, baby."
"Still made you blush though, didn't it?" Brittany gets both Liam and Santana to the bottom step, then kisses Santana's cheek.
"Maybe a little." She turns her head so she catches Brittany's lips. "Well, we've made our first family outing…to the curb."
"Mama! Mommy Noodle! I can't pick up the snow with these mittens on me!"
"There's not very much to pick up right now, Sir. We might have to wait until morning for that. Right now, we just came out so you can see what it looks like coming down."
"And for you to do this." Brittany tilts her head up and sticks out her tongue. "Can you do that, Li?"
"Mama! You're eatin' the snow!"
"I am, and it's cold and delicious! Try it."
"Okey, Mama! Mommy Noodle, you try too!"
Unwilling to deprive Liam of his excitement, Santana cradles the back of Oliver's hat covered head, and she tilts her head up, closing her eyes. For just a moment, as flakes catch on her tongue, she feels like she's transported back in time. She remembers standing on the playground at school, her safe place, bundled up in the pea coat that pinched beneath her chin, leaning back and catching the snowflakes on her tongue. She remembers feeling magic in a world that otherwise felt too heavy to a little girl. She remembers how they tickled her lashes, and how she'd laugh. She remembers it, and she opens her eyes again, feeling her littlest son close to her heart, her biggest twirling as he catches his own flakes, her middle strapped to her wife's chest, and Brittany, standing at her side with a bright, beaming grin that tells her everything is going to be okay.